Elia of Dorne: Princess, Sister, Wife, and Mother

[protar]

Well, if speculation is correct Little Walder did murder Big Walder.

Actually the speculation is that Big Walder murdered Little Walder :P

In any case, while I agree with the basic premise of that theory I think it was more because Big Walder was tired of Little Walder becoming Ramsay's protégé. And even if he was doing it to get ahead in the succession that's hardly "routine", it's once. The most troublesome Frey is clearly Black Walder and yet even he doesn't pull that sort of thing.

[Onna Lewyys]

Re the succession/Jon Snow conversation: What of the "three-headed dragon" prophecy, though? I was always under the impression that Rhaegar's obsession with having three heirs was because the three of them were somehow meant to rule together, like the first Aegon, Visenya & Rhaenys. (Do any of you interpret it differently?) And if that's the case, then why should Elia (or her son) feel threatened by Jon Snow? Especially if she was even complicit in the scheme, as I suspect she might have been.

[Kuther2000]

Re the succession/Jon Snow conversation: What of the "three-headed dragon" prophecy, though? I was always under the impression that Rhaegar's obsession with having three heirs was because the three of them were somehow meant to rule together, like the first Aegon, Visenya & Rhaenys. (Do any of you interpret it differently?) And if that's the case, then why should Elia (or her son) feel threatened by Jon Snow? Especially if she was even complicit in the scheme, as I suspect she might have been.

I don't think the prophecy is necessarily about ruling together, maybe it is about using them to hatch eggs. You also have to take into account that there seems to be so many prophecies going around like The Song of Ice and Fire, TPTWP, and the three-headed dragon and if they are linked. There is also the AA prophecy that don't remember has ever been referenced with the Targaryens. Rhaego was a prophecy and we see how well hat turned out. The first Aegon and his sisters were more equal in their rule together while now because of Dance of Dragons the Targaryen Queens have been relegated to mere Queen consorts with no more power than what their husband allows them to wield.

No one is saying that Elia wouldn't be okay with it. But there are reasons that have been given for her to go against it. Why would it be so surprising if she or her son felt threatened by (Jon?) Targaryen? Rhaegar slighted Elia when he chose Lyanna a 14 year old girl who he knew for however long over his wife and mother of his firstborn. Even Aemon the Dragonknight knew what kind of slight this was when Aegon the Unworthy would have chose his mistress over his lady wife, Queen Naerys who hated being married to him. Rhaegar was willing to run off with her even though she was another man's bethrothed. It wasn't just any man but another Great Lord and his own cousin. The Baratheon and the Targaryens have always seemed to share a close relationship and in the past Baratheons would always fight for the Targaryens. By doing that, Rhaegar throws away one of his most natural alliances.

Cersei although paranoid would feel threatened. Cat who is one of the best mothers in the book and quite political savvy feels threatened. She even makes references to why it would be a bad idea to make Jon heir. This is coupled with what we know about the Blackfyre rebellion-one of the reasons it helped gain influence was because people didn't like the Dornish influence in court. Maegor the Cruel usurped his brother's son when it came time for him to take the throne. What's to stop little Aegon from having an accident and making way for Lyanna's child? Or some courtiers start talking to Jon and whispering in his ear that he would make a better king than Aegon and he would likely get alot of support just from being half a Stark. His aunt would be a Tully of the Riverlands, he could also have the Vale who have always been close to the North. Also the Tyrells who hate the Martells and possibly the Lannisters.

People are always talking about Rhaegar just needing one more child. What is to stop Lyanna from not just wanting one child? What if she wants more children from her own body?

We don't know if she was complicit. That is a theory for now with no true evidence backing it up. There haven't even been any hints. She knew about the prophecy probably, but alot of people knew about the prophecy like Maester Aemon and Egg. We have never been told if she believed it or if she thought that Rhaegar was being obsessive about it and hoped he would stop talking about it one day. The scene of Elia and Rhaegar could easily have been of him talking about it and her not caring but not willing to tell that to the crown prince. I would be offended if someone stated that just because I am a part of a certain culture I am supposed to adhere to certain mores of said culture. That is like saying that because some Muslims have practiced polygamy that Muslim women would be okay with polygamy even if we know for a fact that it is not the case. Arianne and Oberyn's behavior is not the norm of the society as it has been stated before.

Why does Elia need to be complicit? The scheme works even without her being complicit. It has been stated upthread from Westeros.org. That having a lover or a paramour doesn't even have to be negotiated when one spouse holds all the power. Rhaegar would have all the power in the relationship. Why can't he just have gone against her wishes? As people have stated he did what was for the good and safety of the realm and didn't care about the minor petty details that other nobles think about.

If his wife doesn't agree with him, does it stop him from being this great man that everyone thinks he is? No

[The Storm Queen]

I don't think the prophecy is necessarily about ruling together, maybe it is about using them to hatch eggs. You also have to take into account that there seems to be so many prophecies going around like The Song of Ice and Fire, TPTWP, and the three-headed dragon and if they are linked. There is also the AA prophecy that don't remember has ever been referenced with the Targaryens. Rhaego was a prophecy and we see how well hat turned out. The first Aegon and his sisters were more equal in their rule together while now because of Dance of Dragons the Targaryen Queens have been relegated to mere Queen consorts with no more power than what their husband allows them to wield.

No one is saying that Elia wouldn't be okay with it. But there are reasons that have been given for her to go against it. Why would it be so surprising if she or her son felt threatened by (Jon?) Targaryen? Rhaegar slighted Elia when he chose Lyanna a 14 year old girl who he knew for however long over his wife and mother of his firstborn. Even Aemon the Dragonknight knew what kind of slight this was when Aegon the Unworthy would have chose his mistress over his lady wife, Queen Naerys who hated being married to him. Rhaegar was willing to run off with her even though she was another man's bethrothed. It wasn't just any man but another Great Lord and his own cousin. The Baratheon and the Targaryens have always seemed to share a close relationship and in the past Baratheons would always fight for the Targaryens. By doing that, Rhaegar throws away one of his most natural alliances.

Cersei although paranoid would feel threatened. Cat who is one of the best mothers in the book and quite political savvy feels threatened. She even makes references to why it would be a bad idea to make Jon heir. This is coupled with what we know about the Blackfyre rebellion-one of the reasons it helped gain influence was because people didn't like the Dornish influence in court. Maegor the Cruel usurped his brother's son when it came time for him to take the throne. What's to stop little Aegon from having an accident and making way for Lyanna's child? Or some courtiers start talking to Jon and whispering in his ear that he would make a better king than Aegon and he would likely get alot of support just from being half a Stark. His aunt would be a Tully of the Riverlands, he could also have the Vale who have always been close to the North. Also the Tyrells who hate the Martells and possibly the Lannisters.

People are always talking about Rhaegar just needing one more child. What is to stop Lyanna from not just wanting one child? What if she wants more children from her own body?

We don't know if she was complicit. That is a theory for now with no true evidence backing it up. There haven't even been any hints. She knew about the prophecy probably, but alot of people knew about the prophecy like Maester Aemon and Egg. We have never been told if she believed it or if she thought that Rhaegar was being obsessive about it and hoped he would stop talking about it one day. The scene of Elia and Rhaegar could easily have been of him talking about it and her not caring but not willing to tell that to the crown prince. I would be offended if someone stated that just because I am a part of a certain culture I am supposed to adhere to certain mores of said culture. That is like saying that because some Muslims have practiced polygamy that Muslim women would be okay with polygamy even if we know for a fact that it is not the case. Arianne and Oberyn's behavior is not the norm of the society as it has been stated before.

Why does Elia need to be complicit? The scheme works even without her being complicit. It has been stated upthread from Westeros.org. That having a lover or a paramour doesn't even have to be negotiated when one spouse holds all the power. Rhaegar would have all the power in the relationship. Why can't he just have gone against her wishes? As people have stated he did what was for the good and safety of the realm and didn't care about the minor petty details that other nobles think about.

If his wife doesn't agree with him, does it stop him from being this great man that everyone thinks he is? No

Brillant post; I want to add that we also encounter another woman, the kind and friendly Lady Hornwood, who also is not fond of her husband´s bastard taking over. So it is not just Cersei and Cat, it seems to be a very prevalent attitude. And why not? The only real power noble born women have derives from their ability to birth trueborn heirs.

[Onna Lewyys]

I don't think the prophecy is necessarily about ruling together, maybe it is about using them to hatch eggs. You also have to take into account that there seems to be so many prophecies going around like The Song of Ice and Fire, TPTWP, and the three-headed dragon and if they are linked. There is also the AA prophecy that don't remember has ever been referenced with the Targaryens. Rhaego was a prophecy and we see how well hat turned out.

The issue isn't what the prophecy actually means, though, but what Rhaegar believed it to mean. Of course we can't be sure, but in Dany's vision he combines TPTWP, "the song of ice and fire" (whatever that means), and "the dragon has three heads," which leads me to believe that he considered them all a part of his heir(s)'s destiny to rule.

No one is saying that Elia wouldn't be okay with it. But there are reasons that have been given for her to go against it. Why would it be so surprising if she or her son felt threatened by (Jon?) Targaryen?

And I'm giving reasons for her not to go against it. I'm not saying it would be surprising; I'm just trying to put forward a different possibility. I don't see how anyone else's reasoning or conclusions are more valid than mine. The fact is that we don't really know anything.

[Onna Lewyys]

urrgh double post.

[Kuther2000]

The issue isn't what the prophecy actually means, though, but what Rhaegar believed it to mean. Of course we can't be sure, but in Dany's vision he combines TPTWP, "the song of ice and fire" (whatever that means), and "the dragon has three heads," which leads me to believe that he considered them all a part of his heir(s)'s destiny to rule.

But we also know that he has been wrong before and prophecies can be wrong or not interpreted correctly. He may think the prophecies are the same thing, but what if they are not. We also find out that a head of the dragon doesn't even necessarily have to be a Targaryen.

And I'm giving reasons for her not to go against it. I'm not saying it would be surprising; I'm just trying to put forward a different possibility. I don't see how anyone else's reasoning or conclusions are more valid than mine. The fact is that we don't really know anything.

But if the reasons are culturally specific, those aren't valid because we know that the people that one is basing those thoughts on are not the norm even in their own society. Just because one knows of the prophecy does not necessarily mean one believes it. We also never hear about Elia herself referencing the prophecy. I agree about that we don't know so everything is just assumptions. And no one's assumptions is more or less valid than anyone else's

[Lala]

This thread has started to runaway from me a bit =P

I agree that all the points raised in relation to Elia's response to Jon are equally valid - and certainly, given our knowledge that Elia was at least fairly intelligent (Ser Barristan refers to her as being clever with a sweet wit), she certainly wouldn't have been blind to the dangers that Jon could pose to her own children and the stability of the Targaryen dynasty. But I think it's also important to remember that sometimes characters in ASoIaF will act counter to their own personal best interests because their self-interest and their moral views do not align. I am fairly sure that Ned Stark was aware that the rational course of action would have been to adopt either Renly or LF's plans or, at the very least, not give Cersei fair warning about his knowledge. Yet, he knowingly acted against his own self interest because his own personal moral code rebelled against the thought of putting innocent children (Joffrey, innocent, *laughs*) in danger. While it is possible that Elia would have acted as Cat did towards Jon, I think that possibility runs counter to what we are told about Elia and her sense of morality. I feel redundant, but again, Elia's response towards infant Tyrion is quite different from the response that Cat or Cersei would have had - remember she did not overlook his deformity after talking herself through it; according to Oberyn, she acted as if she never saw any deformity at all. Even Cat, on meeting of Brienne of Tarth, spends a good paragraph or so reflecting on Brienne's beauty (or lack thereof).

I'm also firmly of the opinion that what is unsaid is as important as what is said - pride is not a bad trait, especially in a daughter of a noble house, but it is not a characteristic that is associated with Elia by any of the other characters (neither JonCon who could have maliciously interpreted it as arrogance, nor her brother Oberyn, who discusses her at length with Tyrion). This isn't to say that she is not proud - as other posters have stated, given her Dornish heritage and her status as the Princess of Dorne, Elia most certainly had a sense of pride in her own heritage, family, and kingdom. However, pride has many different shades and can be of varying importance to an individual - there is little indication that pride was something that Elia would have placed above compassion or kindness. It is also important to remember that Cat was the firstborn of her family, and consequently grew up with a much greater sense of burden towards her family name. By the time of Elia's birth, Doran was already nine and a squire, Elia would have, consequently, grown up as a beloved younger sister, which inherently entails a different set of expectations from those faced by Cat.

[Onna Lewyys]

And no one's assumptions is more or less valid than anyone else's

Except that you're acting like mine are less valid. (Oh, and you actually said that they are a couple sentences before that.)

As far as I'm concerned there is just as much "true" evidence for Elia being complicit in the prophecy scheme as there is for her not being complicit, which is to say none. All we have are the testimonies of a bunch of people who are neither Elia, Rhaegar, nor Lyanna. If people can theorize about Elia's opinions or behavior based on people she has no connection to, then why can't I theorize about it based on other members of her immediate family? Have I said anything that we know to be false?

[Lissa Nymeros Martell]

I dunno. I don't buy that Elia would be threaten by a 14 year old but I could be projecting a bit too much. Due to her health, it didn't seem as if Elia would be able to provide Rhaegar more children. And he needed another. If it's the choice between getting cast aside as Queen due to infertility or sharing the crown.... I'd share the crown. That's the pragmatic decision.

RE: Elia's reaction to the Q.L.A.B

I don't know if we can assume that Elia cared or minded. Elia is Dornish. Her culture and heritage around tournaments could be completely different. Crowning someone Queen of Love and Beauty, like it's a thing that matters, may seem as laughable to her. What if she thought it would be fun to shock everyone? Or what if she genuinely didn't care? We can't count on anyone's opinion about how she must have felt because they wouldn't be able to relate to her and how she might have felt.

[Kuther2000]

Except that you're acting like mine are less valid. (Oh, and you actually said that they are a couple sentences before that.)

As far as I'm concerned there is just as much "true" evidence for Elia being complicit in the prophecy scheme as there is for her not being complicit, which is to say none. All we have are the testimonies of a bunch of people who are neither Elia, Rhaegar, nor Lyanna. If people can theorize about Elia's opinions or behavior based on people she has no connection to, then why can't I theorize about it based on other members of her immediate family? Have I said anything that we know to be false?

I am not saying that your thoughts are less valid. I have actually said that we don't have enough evidence either way. Jeez, we never even hear about her besides the brutality done to her and her personality. We never get her thoughts and dreams like we get with Lyanna. Even from the little we know Lyanna wanted to be a fighter and to not be bartered off. It seems like people are mistaking gentle and kind for being a doormat to her husband's wishes. Then people say Dornish. They go oh since she was Dornish she must have been in on it. She doesn't care that her reputation is at stake. She wants her husband to go make a baby with another woman.

I dunno. I don't buy that Elia would be threaten by a 14 year old but I could be projecting a bit too much. Due to her health, it didn't seem as if Elia would be able to provide Rhaegar more children. And he needed another. If it's the choice between getting cast aside as Queen due to infertility or sharing the crown.... I'd share the crown. That's the pragmatic decision.

RE: Elia's reaction to the Q.L.A.B

I don't know if we can assume that Elia cared or minded. Elia is Dornish. Her culture and heritage around tournaments could be completely different. Crowning someone Queen of Love and Beauty, like it's a thing that matters, may seem as laughable to her. What if she thought it would be fun to shock everyone? Or what if she genuinely didn't care? We can't count on anyone's opinion about how she must have felt because they wouldn't be able to relate to her and how she might have felt.

I don't think anyone thinks that Elia would kill Lyanna. I don't think anyone said that. Obviously he only needed one if what everyone says about Jon is true. She actually gave him two children who would have probably lived long lives if not for the injustices done to them. A son and a heir was given. Not everyone would share the crown. Would Catelyn share the crown? Would Cersei share the crown? So why must Elia?

We don't get Elia's reaction to the QLAB. We don't even get Lyanna's reaction to it. We just know all smiles died. Please stop using her being Dornish. It has been said plenty of times that just because the dornish are more tolerate about things does not mean they believe in it and would go out of their way to choose it.

It may seem laughable to her. But it is seen as a slight to everyone else. All a woman has is her reputation. No one thought the crowning was a good thing. Ned didn't think so. Barristan didn't think so either. Aemon the Dragonknight won a tourney so that he could crown his sister Queen Naerys when her own husband and brother would have crowned his mistress because it is seen as a slight to her reputation. We also know that Naerys hated the marriage and tried like crazy to get out of it.

Even with the Dornish thing, do people really think Arianne would be okay with Viserys taking another wife or Quentyn would he be okay with Dany having another husband. We know that Doran and the Dornish people themselves were furious about how Rhaegar treated Elia was treated so you can't use the Dornish as an excuse. If the Dornish are okay with stuff like that, then they wouldn't be mad right?

Yea. You are right we don't know about any of it so anyone can be right. Who knows we may find out that there is a middle ground.

[Onna Lewyys]

I am not saying that your thoughts are less valid. I have actually said that we don't have enough evidence either way. . . . Then people say Dornish. They go oh since she was Dornish she must have been in on it. She doesn't care that her reputation is at stake. She wants her husband to go make a baby with anther woman.

You said: "But if the reasons are culturally specific, those aren't valid," after I had already conceded your point that the examples I cited aren't representative of Dornish culture as a whole. They are, however, still all examples from Elia's specific family. If she was so close with her brother Oberyn, I think it's a perfectly reasonable deduction that she may have shared certain characteristics with him. (I like to think that just as she was between her brothers in age, that she was also between them in personality.)

And I never once said that Elia "must" have been in on the Lyanna affair. I only proposed it as a possibility, which it is. I've also repeatedly said that we don't have enough evidence either way, and I've never suggested that anyone else in this thread has been wrong. Again, mine is just another possibility that I hadn't seen anyone bring up yet.

We know that Doran and the Dornish people themselves were furious about how Rhaegar treated Elia was treated so you can't use the Dornish as an excuse. If the Dornish are okay with stuff like that, then they wouldn't be mad right?

But Robert and the Starks were also outraged by Rhaegar "kidnapping" and "raping" Lyanna, while we as readers know a number of things that indicate that wasn't the case. If they were wrong about the situation, then maybe so were the Dornish.

[Onna Lewyys]

GAHHHHHHH

[Onna Lewyys]

WTH IS WRONG WITH MY COMPUTER

[Failed to De-anon]

I thought I'd weigh in as well.

Yes, Elia was nice. That she saw Tyrion and saw baby is just one indication of that. That would not necessarily lead to her accepting Jon; after all, Tyrion would not be her husband's child with another high-born woman and would not be a threat to her own future children (Targaryen history alone tells us that being an older and/or legitimate sibling is no guarantee of anything). That Jon's mother's family has clout where her own Dornish heritage leads others to be mistrustful is also worthy of remembering.

With the scene in HotU we can perhaps surmise she knew of the prophecy, but, there is no indication of her believing it or simply going along. We simply do not know. I am going to leave that alone.

Yes, she is Dornish and that may allow for some flexibility, but, she was a noble-born Dornish woman born of a legitimate union whose husband publicly favored someone else (even if it happened only once that's still not a good sign and then the pair went missing together; also not a good sign). Even if she privately did not care and there is nothing to indicate that she did or did not, there is also the public perception to consider where the public perception is that she was seen as sickly and could no longer give her husband children and her husband started to favor someone else. She is said to have wit. It's easy to see why such a situation would not be ideal for her. And it's not as though she would be able to complain about Rhaegar's being with and/or marrying Lyanna and having legitimate children because Rhaegar could (not would) keep their children away from her if she pressed too hard. That i.m.o. would be hard to accept willingly.

[Lissa Nymeros Martell]

Hehehe. So much at at the Tourney at Harrenhal and we weren't even there!

[Lala]

I don't disagree that Elia was not a pushover - but that does not necessarily imply that she would have treated Jon the same way Cat did.

As I stated previously, many other characters have acted against their own self-interest when the "logical" course of action conflicted with their own personal code of ethics (see: Ned Stark). We aren't given much information about what that is for Elia, but based on what I read, I personally believe that she is a woman who values compassion above her own personal sense of pride. As I stated in the OP, Elia immediately strikes me as maternal - not in the way that Cat and Cersei are maternal, i.e. loving their own children - but in the context of having a mothering nature. Remember, not only did she find baby Tyrion adorable, Oberyn also says that she acted as if she wanted to nurse him herself.

It is also important to remember that at this point, Lyanna is dead. No matter how powerful the Starks are, there is no mother who can marshal this maternal influence in Jon's favor. More importantly, if Elia raises Jon she will be his mother, not Lyanna. In fact, even with Cat, we see that other characters in the series often erroneously refer to her as Jon's mother:

The Old Bear shrugged. “A boy king... I imagine he’ll listen to his mother. A pity the dwarf isn’t with them. He’s the lad’s uncle, and he saw our need when he visited us. It was a bad thing, your lady mother taking him captive-”

“Lady Stark is not my mother,” Jon reminded him sharply. Tyrion Lannister had been a friend to him. If Lord Eddard was killed, she would be as much to blame as the queen. “My lord, what of my sisters? Arya and Sansa, they were with my father, do you know-”

We can infer that, had Cat treated Jon like a son, he would have loved her as a mother - which is something that, despite her treatment of him, other characters appear to expect from him nonetheless.

[Onna Lewyys]

RE: Elia's reaction to the Q.L.A.B

I don't know if we can assume that Elia cared or minded. Elia is Dornish. Her culture and heritage around tournaments could be completely different. Crowning someone Queen of Love and Beauty, like it's a thing that matters, may seem as laughable to her. What if she thought it would be fun to shock everyone? Or what if she genuinely didn't care? We can't count on anyone's opinion about how she must have felt because they wouldn't be able to relate to her and how she might have felt.

God I wish we knew what her reaction was. Was she shocked? Hurt? Outraged? Amused? Indifferent? Who knows! Of course people in the series (and outside it) perceive her as being shamed because they're projecting their own feelings and social mores onto her. But, frankly, people's perceptions do not always align with the truth.

[lareine]

I thought I'd weigh in as well.

Yes, Elia was nice. That she saw Tyrion and saw baby is just one indication of that. That would not necessarily lead to her accepting Jon; after all, Tyrion would not be her husband's child with another high-born woman and would not be a threat to her own future children (Targaryen history alone tells us that being an older and/or legitimate sibling is no guarantee of anything). That Jon's mother's family has clout where her own Dornish heritage leads others to be mistrustful is also worthy of remembering.

With the scene in HotU we can perhaps surmise she knew of the prophecy, but, there is no indication of her believing it or simply going along. We simply do not know. I am going to leave that alone.

Yes, she is Dornish and that may allow for some flexibility, but, she was a noble-born Dornish woman born of a legitimate union whose husband publicly favored someone else (even if it happened only once that's still not a good sign and then the pair went missing together; also not a good sign). Even if she privately did not care and there is nothing to indicate that she did or did not, there is also the public perception to consider where the public perception is that she was seen as sickly and could no longer give her husband children and her husband started to favor someone else. She is said to have wit. It's easy to see why such a situation would not be ideal for her. And it's not as though she would be able to complain about Rhaegar's being with and/or marrying Lyanna and having legitimate because Rhaegar could (not would) keep their children away from her if she pressed too hard. That i.m.o. would be hard to accept willingly.

You make a very important point. Even if Elia didn't want to be part of a polygamous marriage, realistically did she genuinely have a choice? It seems pretty clear that being with Lyanna was something that Rhaegar was willing to go to great lengths and take many risks to achieve. If Elia had objected, would that really have stopped him? If she had wanted to separate and go back to her family in Dorne (like her brother Doran's estranged wife Mellario) wouldn't she have been forced to leave her children with their father?

No matter how smart, capable or highly born a woman is in Westerosi society, when push comes to shove their lives are still ultimately subject to the rule of their men regardless of their own feelings. That is an inherent tension we see repeatedly played out between fathers and daughters, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives. Even when the men are respectful and have the best of intentions (Ned with Cat regarding Jon for example) they still ultimately hold all of the power in the relationship. This would be especially true in Elia's position being married to the crown prince and she probably was savvy enough to know that. Even if we do find out that she tacitly agreed to Rhaegar's plans, unless she shared her true feelings with one of the P.O.V. characters (which seems unlikely), we'll probably never know how she really felt about it.

[Lissa Nymeros Martell]

I don't think anyone thinks that Elia would kill Lyanna. I don't think anyone said that.

Apologies. I meant sexually or emotionally threatened. Jealous. Envious. I didn't mean physically threatened.

You make a very important point. Even if Elia didn't want to be part of a polygamous marriage, realistically did she genuinely have a choice? It seems pretty clear that being with Lyanna was something that Rhaegar was willing to go to great lengths and take many risks to achieve. If Elia had objected, would that really have stopped him? If she had wanted to separate and go back to her family in Dorne (like her brother Doran's estranged wife Mellario) wouldn't she have been forced to leave her children with their father?

No matter how smart, capable or highly born a woman is in Westerosi society, when push comes to shove their lives are still ultimately subject to the rule of their men regardless of their own feelings. That is an inherent tension we see repeatedly played out between fathers and daughters, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives. Even when the men are respectful and have the best of intentions (Ned with Cat regarding Jon for example) they still ultimately hold all of the power in the relationship. This would be especially true in Elia's position being married to the crown prince and she probably was savvy enough to know that. Even if we do find out that she tacitly agreed to Rhaegar's plans, unless she shared her true feelings with one of the P.O.V. characters (which seems unlikely), we'll probably never know how she really felt about it.

THIS!

That's exactly what I was trying to say. Thank you for succeeding where I failed. In this story, powerful men mostly do what they want. Princes and Kings even more so. Elia's feelings Lyanna or Jon or QLAB really wouldn't have mattered. Dorne can't rise up against the Targaryens and it's unlikely that any Houses outside of Dorne would have joined them. Her only real choices would be to leave or to stay.

I guess I prefer to think of Elia as being "a part of the plan" rather than getting pushed aside.