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About .H.

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  1. .H.

    Mental Wellbeing Thread

    Well, that certainly isn't good. First, seriously, get yourself some professional help. Really, do it. What is going on? What isn't going on that should be? What is causing you to feel that way?
  2. .H.

    Bakker LIV - Soul Sphincter

    Some mentions I found: I don't think Seswatha had a "house" nor do I recall a device mentioned pertaining to the Mandate.
  3. .H.

    Mental Wellbeing Thread

    Well, my apologies, I am working well more than half in the blind on all this. Which, mind you, isn't either of our fault's, it's that this isn't an actual clinical session. Does substituting the word "force" for the word "fake" change the meaning sufficiently to seem more relevant? Well, if focus is what allows you to not be negative, what can we use to get you more focused? What helps you focus? Unfortunately that sounds like every school I know of though. But small sample size, it might be biased. The thing is thought that if you focus yourself on what you didn't accomplish, you will always suffer those sort of feelings. You'll never accomplish everything. There is no end. Would focusing on what you did accomplish help? Serious question.
  4. .H.

    NHL Offseason

    The Islanders are one of the consistently worst run teams in professional sports. Only the Browns, Jets and Knicks are worse, although maybe the Islanders are actually worse than 2/3rds of those. I can't see how or why they think not tanking this year for a pick would be a good idea though. But true to form, they probably won't, will be mediocre again, get a mediocre pick, and we'll do this for another 30 years or so. They got lucky with Barzal, seems unlikely to happen much more often and free agents are not going to sign with a team with so much drama on where they'll even be playing, among everything else. I can't see Trotz being there for more than 2 years, realistically, if that. I honestly feel bad for him...
  5. .H.

    Mental Wellbeing Thread

    Well, I guess on this one you could bear a small amount of guilt. What do you feel you should have done? Why are you guilty about this? What could you have done? Prevented her Alzheimer's? Made her easier to care for? Taken care of her yourself? Feeling bad and feeling guilty should be different things. Why are you guilty in this? Was it you who hid that information from them all that time? In fact, it seems that at the most reasonable time to tell them, you did. So, what did you do wrong here? Well, people process stuff in different ways. But my hunch would be that his "breaking down" was probably less about this specific information and more about things in general, in this case, the sort of convoluted and sort of messed up nature of the family dynamic, concretely expressed in this anecdote about this Aunt. I don't know you well enough to say if you use this sort of generational dysfunction as an excuse. But maybe. You seem to ascribe guilt to events that had little to nothing to do with you and seem to have been well, or at least mostly, out of your control. I mean, if you seem to have trouble with "drinking/whatever" you might be at a good place to begin understanding why you are choosing to cope with things the way you do.
  6. .H.

    Mental Wellbeing Thread

    The same indifference you perceive people to interact with. And your perception might be right sometimes. And it might be wrong. The fact is that you admit you don't like it and yet you still do it. No wonder it can't fulfill you. It's only natural that you will have some internal voice when you are pretending to be something you aren't. While it's telling you nonsense, the essential thrust is "don't trust people, because they are faking it, just like me." Except the thing is that most of them aren't faking it. You ascribe that to others, because you are. Children are actually quite sensitive and often better able to detect when people are being "fake." They'll ruthlessly dig the facts of the matter out, even if it is trough crude and primitive methods. They will also constantly test you. Because, as children, they are learning. Learning who you are, learning how to measure you, learning the limits of you. Since you keep "faking" it, they can't get the right read, so they'll never stop. You need to have actual genuine interaction with people. Coworkers and the students. That kind of interaction that reflects your genuine self. I suspect you don't know what that self is. You've wrapped yourself in this depressive, hyper-logical, overthinking persona so long, you don't know how to be without it. That's not you, because if it was, you wouldn't feel the way you do. You'd feel confident and proud, you wouldn't fake anything, because you'd be living the exact way you should. But you're not. You are lying to yourself and everyone you interact with. That doesn't foster meaning. That doesn't foster value. That just fosters further duplicity and further misery. OK, well, I don't know this person, or enough about them to figure out their motive, but there is a chance he did what he did maliciously. Only to throw you off. However, just as likely, if not more so, is that he believed he was helping you. Now, he might not have been, but again, you jump to ascribe duplicity when even stupidity could suffice. He might possibly think you are too "by the book" or rigid to be able to connect with the kids. He might be right. Or not. But, while your frustration was justified, you slammed shut a door on a learning opportunity. You could have said something to the effect of, "yeah, I survived, but why did you do that? It really put me in a compromised position." But my hunch is that you wouldn't want to do that, because it would admit that you aren't hyper-competent at this point. The thing is, you aren't. You are still learning. Perhaps you imagine that where you work is a place that if they come to think you aren't competent they will fire you. It might be true. But if you work in a place that assumes that everyone will arrive fully capable in every nuance of the job without ever needing to learn anything through experience while actually preforming the job, then I think you might be better off without working there. Your students aren't your enemy to be conquered or outwitted. Your coworkers either. Maybe some of them are out to get you. But also, maybe most of them aren't. If you assume they are always going to be duplicitous or malicious, then they will be, because you'll never see anything else regardless of what their actual intention was. Seriously though, you should read Peterson's 12 Rules for Life. He addresses a good bit of what you are experiencing and in a way I am not going to be able to articulate. You probably think it's dumb to read a self-help book, but it isn't, it's a "gaining proper self-perspective" book.
  7. .H.

    Westworld VIII: Forging On

    Hmm, your post has me considering things at a more archetypal level than before. I am considering the idea of Dolores as an "avatar" of human vengeance delivering meaning. Bernard as compassion and creation delivering meaning. And then so, Maeve as sort of a disjunctive union, vengeance tempered with compassion, then splashed with "creation" via her "daughter." A facile and not fully articulated idea, but interesting to consider perhaps...
  8. .H.

    Mental Wellbeing Thread

    No one with any sense would suggest that you just shrug it off and pretend it didn't happen. It did happen. It did, and still does, have an effect. The question is, what effect do we allow it to continue to have? Your very words belie what that effect is, that of dragging you down. That is what you don't want. You haven't come to terms with it, you haven't processed it in a way that allows it to be moved on from. You can't make a journey to anywhere, if where you started just pulls you right back to it. A circle doesn't get you anywhere. And so then, what of your own future? Selfishness, in the correct proportion, is not a distraction from the goal of helping others. And that correct proportion is absolutely not zero. If you lose your self, what is left to help those others? If there is no you, then what of your goal? You are not literally Jesus. You cannot give literally all of yourself and still help anyone. It isn't selfish to consider yourself with care. It isn't selfishness to extend to yourself the same clemency you'd grant anyone else. It isn't selfish to have needs. It isn't selfish to have desires. It isn't selfish to consider your own interests before those of others. It isn't selfish to actually use the same amount of concern, conscientiousness and consideration as you would anyone else. Honestly consider, how would feel if another person treating someone you care about in the same manner that you treat yourself? You would never treat someone else with the same contempt with which you treat yourself. That isn't self-sacrifice. That is self-annihilation. It's not a virtue, it's a vice. If you give others everything of yourself, then there is no you and there is no one to help them. Help yourself and you will help others. Lift yourself up and you will lift others. If you throw yourself in the dirt, you can't help anyone. And this is exactly why I say above what I do. You admit that this "destroy myself in the service of others" mentality isn't working. Being happy when helping others is good and noble. It's a great way to find meaning. But to annihilate yourself in the process is absolutely, 100%, no doubt, counterproductive. Not only from the sense of working toward the actual goal of helping people and doing so meaningfully, but from a literal self-preservation goal. If you destroy yourself, who will help them then? If there is no you, who will help them? Then, what have you accomplished besides your own ruin? Like I said before, you aren't Jesus, no one needs you to die for them. They need you to live for them. And to do that, you need to actually actively foster your own well-being. Starting by respecting your own right to be. Since I am not actually a therapist, I can deign to be blunt and for it, I apologize. But your mentality is 100% bullshit. You shouldn't accept the treatment of you by yourself. Since you do, you type all that out about how we should accept that you are damaged and deserve your own unjust treatment. You don't. And you expect that somehow, we should accept your poor rationale for why such biased treatment is just. We don't. We won't. I won't. Your view and treatment of yourself, and further rationale for your own self-destructive behavior isn't acceptable. I won't accept it, mostly because it is absolutely false, based on faulty premises and biased perception. I wish this was a clinical setting, because this runs deep. It isn't though, so I have to try to make due with what crude methods I can. I'm not going to accept your treatment of yourself and if you won't take a stand for yourself, then I will.
  9. .H.

    Mental Wellbeing Thread

    Well, a minor nitpick, but I think it might be important to come to the proper state of mind to overcome things: the world might well be holding you back. The crux of it though is that if the world conspires, in it's arbitrary and capricious way, you can overcome it. You can work and sacrifice and better yourself; you can gain allies and set up circumstances in your favor. When you hold yourself back though, you can't overcome anything, because you are yourself the source of your own detriment. You sabotage yourself, then blame "the world" for all of your problems. Be your own ally, you've got enough things working against you, you don't need yourself to be another one.
  10. .H.

    Mental Wellbeing Thread

    It's only impossible because you insist it is. Starting from scratch isn't the end of the world. In fact, it can be a benefit, since you can begin exactly where you want. But the idea that you are "too messed up" is false and that you insistently adhere to that line of thought is what actually holds you back, not any problem you may or may not have. The very fact that you reach out to people here proves that you are capable. That you throw yourself back into a cycle of negative emotion and negative thinking keeps you in the same place though. Some people will. Most people won't. Do people here do that? That some people are shitty people is not a reflection on you. Let me say it again, people's shit behavior is not a reflection of your worth. Because it isn't a burden. Human beings are social animals. The only thing that makes you a burden is interacting with people in a manner indicative of being one. And the only reason you are interacting like that is because you imagine yourself as such. It isn't a fact, it's your perception and like all perception it is biased and limited. Because you can't let other people's poor behavior inform your own. It is terrible that people have betrayed you. It isn't fair and it isn't just. But the world is such that these kinds of things can and do happen, just. And worse, they happen to good and decent people. That's not the tragedy though, that is just a fact, existence is difficult. It is fret with injustice. The tragedy is that you've allowed bad people to corrupt you. If you walked out of your house and someone just came up and punched you in the face, would you then say, "well, why risk leaving the house now?" No, you'd say, I did nothing wrong, the perpetrator is wrong, the perpetrator is evil. And you go right back to leaving your house, because that is the right thing to do. That people might betray you is their flaw. It isn't a flaw of you to have trusted. To trust is a virtue. Sometimes it hurts to be virtuous though. But the alternative is to be just like the evil ones who betray. Which way do you choose? Let me share a quote from a recent book with you: From Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life. I'd highly suggest reading it. Not if you ask anyone who has a good sense of the state of the world right now. And honestly, right now, you don't and anyone who would look down on you doesn't either. At 25 I still lived in my mom's house. At 29 I still did. Now, at 36, I own a house, am married and have a bunch of kids. You don't know. You never know. You imagine you do. I did too. You're wrong, just like I was. You've gone through unfortunate suffering and yet here you are. The world has been cruel and unfair and yet here you are. So give yourself the credit for having made it through. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt, as you would give anyone else at how the circumstances dictated less than ideal strategies to cope. And now, give yourself permission to be flawed, as we all are, and try to do better. How much better could you life be, if you didn't add to your own suffering with such an unnecessarily negative and pessimistically skewed self-image? The world is already tough enough, why make it tougher? It isn't any more true to view yourself like that, because we are all flawed, we all struggle, we are all shackled with more than we can bear. It's what we do with the suffering that marks us. Do we wallow in it? Do we fall to nihilism? Or do we bear it? Triumph over it? Suffering doesn't define us. It's how we deal with the suffering that defines who we are and who we will become. Seriously though, find yourself a good clinical psychologist and talk this out. You don't need drugs, you need to change your frame of mind. Apologies if I came across to blunt or too preachy though.
  11. .H.

    MLB 2018: Sho(hei) Me What You Got

    Yeah, maybe the aim is to procure someone non-rental? I don't know, I'll keep my faith in Cashman, he usually does us right.
  12. Yeah, I think there are a good number of teams that will be out for him, not sure the Islanders, even if Tavares goes, could (or maybe should?) go too far to sign him. Then again, maybe it's actually worth more to sign him than anyone else. Too directions this can all go, I don't think there is any way to predict until at least some pieces start falling into place.
  13. .H.

    MLB 2018: Sho(hei) Me What You Got

    I agree and maybe it's an overactive imagination on my part, but I think the Yankees might be showcasing him to other teams. I wouldn't be surprised if Frazier gets traded as part of a deal for a pitcher.
  14. I just don't know there is many available. Carter Hutton? I guess. Same with a D-man, just don't know that much is available. Hopefully JT doesn't keep the team handcuffed with a delayed decision. Go if you are going to go, but the team needs to know as soon as possible so they can make other moves...
  15. So, I don't really know what to make of the Islanders, although 30+ years of conditioning have me doubtful... Trotz to the Islanders. Barzal wins the Calder. Snow finally out as well. All of this is good, yet my hunch is that Tavares leaves and our defense and goal-tending flat out sucks. I guess it's nice to not be the worst team in the league, but it'd be nicer to have a real chance at the playoffs...