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Red Templar

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Posts posted by Red Templar

  1. Well some of our regular 'daytime' members are missing (word and WLU specifically). Though that doesn't explain for last nights quiet.

    I hope nothing's wrong. It's possible that they've been abducted by Tairy, and at this very moment are being tortured via nipple magic and being forced to eat their testicles.

  2. Wow. I'm quite disappointed in you guys - only 10 posts in this thread since I left work yesterday.

    Look, people - I count on you for my lunchtime entertainment, so I expect to see at least 2 new pages worth of posts each day. A paltry 10 posts, with no parodies and very few insults just doesn't cut it. Remember - every second you spend away from this thread, the Yeard grows more powerful. I expect a complete and total return to form tomorrow. Perhaps throw in some extra content to make up for your lack of performance last night.

    Death Choosers!!!!!

  3. Despite claims by some to the contrary, most true TG fans are unable to think for themselves. That's why what TG writes speaks to them so totally.

    Dontcha know that? :P

    Very true. In fact, I've always known this. It is my job to do their thinking for them. Tairy sub-contracts this work out to me. And let me tell ya... man, is it ever exhausting. Here's a sample from an IM string I had to endure last night:

    #1 TG FAN: Hey, RT, do you have a minute? I have a situation.

    RT: Sure. What's up?

    #1 TG FAN: It's about my superman jammies. They're itchy.

    RT: Change them.

    #1 TG FAN: Into what? Anti-itch cream? I'm not a magician like Zedd.

    RT: *sighs* Take them off and put on a different pair of jammies.

    #1 TG FAN: Oh. Good idea. What do I do about the poop?

    RT: What poop?

    #1 TG FAN: In my pants. If I take them off, the poop will fall out onto the floor.

    RT: Why didn't you use the toilet when you felt the urge to poop?

    #1 TG FAN: I tried to IM you at the time, but you weren't online. The toilet seat was down.

    RT: *double sigh* I told you before - if that ever happens again, just lift the seat and do your business. You don't need to ask me.

    #1 TG FAN: Yeah. I remember. But the cat was on the seat. I couldn't lift it without squooshing him.

    RT: Have you considered a colostomy bag?

    #1 TG FAN: A what?

    RT: Never mind. Is the cat still on the seat?

    #1 TG FAN: No.

    RT: Good. Lift the seat and put your poop in the toilet. Don't forget to flush.

    #1 TG FAN: Okay. Ewww. My hands are getting messy from holding the poop. Should I wash them?

    RT: You could lick them clean.

    #1 TG FAN: Huh? Are you sure?

    RT: Absolutely. How does your cat clean himself?

    #1 TG FAN: Ummm... *scratches head* By licking?

    RT: Correct. And aren't cats extremely clean animals? Think about it, they're always fussing about their appearence.

    #1 TG FAN: They are!!! So it's okay to lick myself clean, then?

    RT: Why not? If it's good enough for a cat, it must be good enough for you. Right?

    #1 TG FAN: Right!!! Wow! Thanks for the help again. One more question...

    RT: Sure. What?

    #1 TG FAN: Which pair of jammies should I wear? The Spiderman or the Hello Kitty?

    RT: Easy. Choose Hello Kitty, and choose life!

  4. Definitely can't forget about the ether...

    The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.

    ETA: Can't forget about the Gars, either.

    We're right in the middle of a fucking Gar zoo! And somebody's giving booze to these goddamn things!

  5. Depends. Do you want to be called lame? Let me know your response. Honestly, is he even a doctor? And if he is, why didn't he just doctor himself a new face? Lame.

    Perhaps he's a Doctor of Journalism? He's just misused, that's all.

    Team him up with Spider Jerusalem, and then tell me he's lame.

  6. To raise my peaches level, I must do what all good Life Choosers do. Murder WLU, word, and Myshkin, defile their corpses, and take their place. Because otherwise, a Slide might get me.

    I'm afraid of Slides.

    There's only 1 problem with this - WLU, word, and Myshkin are already dead, defiled, walking, posting corpses. How else can you explain the sheer sinisterness (is that a word?) of the "W" phenomenon?

  7. No, it has since been decided that double posting is not cool. Editing is in now. :smoking: :thumbsup:

    (Go read GOODKIND XXVI if you want to see the discussion about it - starting at p.16. No, I'm not giving you a link. What do you think this is, some kind of charity? :o It's probably not even worth it. Just follow along little Lemming. :) )

    I see how it is now. I go on vacation and things get decided behind my back. This conspiracy must stop now!!!

    ETA: Besides, I'm too damn lazy to edit.

  8. I see Mme is no longer suffering from the "Jaxom Curse" since people are listening to his wisdom over the wickedness of the double post when I've been decrying it for a while now. I guess I've just still got the "Jaxom Curse". Bastards. :P

    Alright, I'm confused now. I thought double posts were indicitave of real men?

  9. The Mord Sith advanced, and began torturing Richard in a rather sexy way with lesbian overtones. But soon they were overcome by his manly pheromones, and lay there passively like good women should. Richard soon dispatched them to wash the dishes and do the dusting, and he was back on the trail of Jagang.

    Great post Min!!! You better get this bit above copyrighted before Tairy steals it for his next book.

  10. Whenever a student is misbehaving rather than kicking him or her out of class, give them a Terry Goodkind book and make them write an essay on it. After you do this several times, the torture of this method will spread by word of mouth and within a month you will never have to worry about troublemakers again.

    Hmm I was assuming you meant high school english, right? Either way, congratulations on getting a teaching job.

    Sounds like a great way to NOT get tenure. It would be more humane to strip them naked, cover them in honey, and tie them down above an anthole in the desert somewhere.

  11. Wow, Epic Phail to say the least. I dropped from Number 1 to Number 5 which either means more people are spamming to up their post count, or my celery levels are decidedly lacking. I choose option 1, thus choosing life.

    I dropped to last place in the last thread, because I am a death chooser - it's hard to type with your spine ripped out. I did manage two posts though, sans-spine. Most mere mortal death-choosers can't even manage one.