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Everything posted by Toth

  1. First of all: I felt significantly better yesterday evening after I managed to work through most of my backlog and it looked like I actually accomplished to have some more breathing room. I still had to spent most of today from 7 o'clock onwards at the PC correcting returns and writing mails with only two breaks for breakfast and dinner, but it was somehow enough to get my mind out of the drain. Only my neck pain and slight headache are an annoyance. But I even managed to somewhat brush off an argument I just had with three students once again crying foul and complaining about my workload. Okay... fine, I probably overstepped my bounds a little by letting it slip that hearing that about today's task with this class is utter bullshit. It used to be a jigsaw task that I initially created for a 10th grade class, but I stripped it down to them just doing the task of each topic group one week at a time. Which is a huge time waste, I admit, but at the beginning of the current lockdown I already offered them a cooperative assignment where everyone got a different task and they had to bring it together in a shared document online, but that was an utter disaster because only four students did anything at all of which only 3 returns were usable, so all the following tasks building upon their gatherings fell flat hard and forced me to abandon all attempts at cooperative learning methods online. Long story short: Today they had to do a task a 10th grade class managed in 20 minutes and this 13th grade is harping on me that it's impossible for them to do the same in the 90 minutes they would have had for today's lesson. For real? And yes, among that was once again the demand for a videoconference instead. Like I said, that's something I cannot do psychologically, if not practically. My mother knows no boundaries and her presence makes me nervous as hell even when I'm not facing my students. In the shit-hole village I grew up in I was already mocked in the streets for being a 'mother's boy' back when I was in high school, I can't even imagine how my students let loose if they find out about my circumstances. The possibility alone wrecks me. Right now my lessons are done in the way that they get the materials with both a written introduction of me monologuing the point of today's lessons, the materials and a couple of tasks while at the same time offering to discuss questions in a chatroom in our school network. Yes, it's dull, but every attempt of mine to do something cooperative so far only ended in utter failure because of the lack of response. Lol, there are no guidelines and no expectations, much less any training. I guess I could get lessons this way going if I wanted to, but once again, my reasons for not doing them are purely psychological. Thanks, I will look into it later on. Eh... but those are accomplishments I bought by sacrificing virtually everything else. I started out as a bullied pariah who was otherwise mentally fine to a guy with severe social anxiety who spends the whole day at the computer even though the external factors ceased to be and I should have been able to fix myself thrice over. That was pretty much my reaction, but it's a common theme. I already complained here before about similar incidents about me wanting to do jogging and one summer trying to go swimming at a lake. My mother is deathly afraid that I'm "overdoing it" when I have such fancies and tries to discourage me with the devastating effect that I usually drag out such decisions for days or weeks until I decide to sneak or force myself out to avoid her comments. She really just would prefer to wrap me in cotton and never let me go out.
  2. Well, thanks and sorry that you have to read this nonsense. The thing is that it is entirely on myself that I need so much time for my work. Other colleagues deal with the same workload or more and it's just me being an idiot that prevents me from finishing this stuff in a timely manner. And then the quality... I guess I become more and more aware at my current school how much of my self-worth I'm getting from the job I'm doing. Which... is kinda logical, given how I have nothing else, really. Having a positive impact on people is all that I crave and it's getting to me that all I'm getting is outraged mails about how my lessons are too difficult and instead of engaging with my offers to ask questions in the chat, some just demand better tasks and leave it at that. I know I'm at a difficult school when it comes to the catchment area and it just shows how much I fail at accommodating that with my preparations. Anyway, enough complained for today. Another break that I didn't need. I need to get going.
  3. What is it with me and Mondays, recently? I feel so exhausted, I just... can't... I managed to get outside for a walk for a few minutes both Saturday and Sunday, but it was a goddamn effort. Of course my mother once again panicked and tried to frantically stop me. "You can't just go out after being inside for so long, you will get sick immediately!" Took me several hours to make up my mind and ignore her, but of course even when walking around the neighborhood I couldn't stop the ruminations. And I lost so much time! I'm extremely behind schedule, I still have to prepare four lessons despite having to correct everything from yesterday now. Though... I suppose there isn't too much to correct. I spent the whole day yesterday answering questions about the days lessons even though the majority of students didn't bother to do them at all, especially those I specifically invited last week to use the goddamn chat because utter silence and then just saying "I don't understand it" two minutes before the deadline expires isn't helpful in any way whatsoever. I'm just so mindnumbingly bad at this job... and once again I several times got the accusation in the mails of my students that I don't "do real lessons" because I'm not trying to do video conferences, justifying their lack of engagement. I can't exactly admit that I can't do video conferences because of how much anxiety I'm suffering from at home and that I would cross a line I shouldn't cross for any reason whatsoever if I decide to expose myself at the place where I'm the most vulnerable. And then come the technical problems. Yesterday night I was trying to scan two book pages for tomorrow's lessons, it took me five hours and ended with no scanned pages, a permanently disconnected scanner as I messed up reinstalling the drivers and a broken book that I threw to the ground in frustration before punching my head until I felt dizzy and then listening to my mother's mockery half an hour later at 12 pm why I'm not working anymore if I'm complaining about my lack of progress. I went to bed at the brink of crying and got some thrown awake several times thanks to really weird nightmares involving egg sacs filled with maggots infesting the whole flat... and me trying to carry them outside without harming them. XD That's... that's written with couples in mind, huh? I must say I squinted quite hard at the checklist. I am already extremely self-reflecting to the point of defeatism, so I don't see how being aware of my emotions isn't going to make things much worse because I am painfully aware of my feelings and where they are coming from. I was using music kind of a lot these last weeks, but I mostly used it to try and drown out the background noise of my mother that drives me constantly crazy, but instead the music distracted me as well, so I don't think it's a good idea. I don't need more distractions, I need focus to get onwards with my work in a humanly possible manner. And then there are moments where I just feel like giving up. I'm a complete failure anyway. What have I achieved with my life? I'm three months away from my 28th birthday and I'm still stuck with my mother, still don't know how to have sensible relationships with people, spend every wake hour worrying about my job and still loose track of the mails I haven't replied to two weeks ago as more urgent work piles up constantly, only make lessons that make my students hate me because I'm drained of all creativity that I still had three years ago when I still had fun brainstorming cool learning situations and there is no way out of any of this for me because I don't have any off-days whatsoever and whenever I do have some holidays I cram them chock-full with all the stuff I wished to do all year long so I end up doubly exhausted AND despairing about how I should have spent the time preparing my lessons.
  4. Damn it. I think today was one of the most horrific days I ever had, period. And it's all so fucking irrational because there was absolutely no trigger for it. The whole day ever since I woke up I was just sliding from one anxiety attack to the next and it never ever stopped. I managed to only prepare four lessons over the course of the entire day, I was awfully slow and couldn't focus at all. And the worst part is how insanely vulnerable I was to noise. I was constantly agitated by the clatter of my mother bustling through the house, frightful when she walked in and riled up by her usual use of baby-speak to me. I cannot remember I ever reacted this extreme and this physical to all of this. Just a couple of hours ago when my mother came in again I ended up dealing with a burning sensation in my heart and my arms uncontrollably shaking. My chest still hurts when I inhale deeply. This is... I don't know what this is, but it for sure isn't a good sign. Shit, shit, shit...
  5. The new year has started and I am starting it how I spent the majority of the last year: Having a nervous breakdown about how ineffective I am at my job, frantically trying to put together lessons while wondering where the hell the last 6 hours went and why the Word page in front of me is still empty. Meanwhile my mother is constantly bustling through the house and even though she can't help it in any way, it makes me extremely nervous and I just... I can't focus at all... I have only this weekend left to do two thirds of my lessons for the week and I'm just going to die so badly... Edit: And now I broke a book slamming it against my head in frustration. Shit...
  6. Since I just finished watching The Unsleeping City I feel I need to do a bit more advertising for Dimension 20 here because goddamn it, the creativity of each campaign is off the charts. Let me just introduce to you all campaigns so far: Fantasy High The very first Dimension 20 campaign, entirely watchable for free on Youtube. Fantasy High is essentially if a generic Dungeons and Dragons nation has spontaneously decided to warp into a 1960s American suburb. The PCs are students of a high school dedicated to train future adventuring parties and it's all things considered the most light-hearted and silly Dimension 20 campaign. Escape from the Blood Keep Aka: The one with Matthew Mercer as a guest. It's essentially Lord of the Rings from the perspective of the bad guys. Not-Sauron was just defeated and his loyal servants scramble to revive him. It's a case study in just how much Mercer's rolls are cursed and how much PCs can absolutely hilariously derail poor Brennan's storyboard and forced him to make everything up on the spot. The Unsleeping City This one takes place in our world and our New York, except that there is an unseen world of magic hidden beneath it all, with the PCs being just a bunch of crazy New Yorkers getting roped into saving the world. It's absolutely terrific! Tiny Heist Essentially a Toy Story heist story. Can't exactly go into any details because I haven't watched it yet and unlike the three above campaigns it is on their Dropout website. A Crown of Candy Last but not least: The A Song of Ice and Fire campaign. Yes, seriously. They did a campaign that's essentially ASoIaF, but everyone is edible. It's ludicrously ambitious worldbuilding... and god damn it, it is by far the darkest Dimension 20 campaign they have done so far. The Unsleeping City already ended very bittersweet, but the death toll in this one is mental.
  7. I've started down the path of madness and made the first three steps into my monstrous Umineko Tribute MMV: Holy shit, still 33 minutes more to edit... XD Also: I'm sorry it is only very bare bones. I have zero experience with editing software whatsoever, so no flashy effects from me and some rather poor transitions.
  8. Have you watched Dimension 20? If Mercer is too subdued for you, Brennan Lee Mulligan might be more up to your speed.
  9. Okay, so... I did it! I finally survived this crazy last week with more repeat exams, online teaching and an online course for myself... I'm exhausted, but it is... somewhat refreshing to see two weeks in front of me that... oh god, I still have so much to prepare for after these two weeks that I know I get into severe trouble if I don't start immediately, but as stupid as I am I'm thinking to shove all of that into the second week and spend the first one lazing around and doing something for my fitness. I was confused as well, but I guess it is not unheard of. Heck, here it is not unheard of for teacher trainees to take classes. Or that we have "Quereinsteiger", teacher trainees without formal teaching education who get four times more lessons to teach on top of the course schedule a normal teacher trainee gets. Those get basically squeezed and burned out for as many lessons as possible. Yes, my country is quite horrific to new teachers, which is why we have such a severe shortage of them. Well yeah, but I was already trying for a fresh start at university, all it did was make things worse. So I must honestly say I have absolutely no idea what to do to change. Like I said earlier, I did initially think that once I live on my own I could go search for more experiences, but as it stands that won't happen. No, my students actually don't think that either. My own students are used to me by now, though at the beginning of every semester I still have to suffer questions about how old I am or whether I'm a real teacher already. It's significantly worse when I'm substituting because the students will have the same questions, but notably more hostile ("Since when are students allowed to teach here?"). I should note that we are a vocational upper school though. Meaning that yes, the majority is teenagers, but there are classes where the students are around my age or even older.
  10. I must admit, I am among the people who have also eyeing RPGs for quite some time. I only ever had sporadic contact with players before though. A classmate at my school was in a The Dark Eye group with her boyfriend and at university I also got some stories from a dude who was a D&D DM, but must admit I only ever got interested after first listening to Acquisitions Incorporated and later watching the stunningly creative Dimension 20 campaigns of the College Humor staff. Go check it out! Brennan is a scarily amazing DM! I did try to give Critical Roll a try, but it never clicked with me the same way as these guys do. Some time ago, just to get a grip on how such a game system looks like from the other side of the screen, I bought a DM set for Warhammer 40k: Dark Heresy when it appeared in a humble bundle. I would really like to play, but obviously don't know anyone who would be interested (or would have the time) and then again I myself don't have any time either.
  11. Yeah, I don't think that works with my social anxiety. If I can't sell myself to a possible landlord, how am I supposed to sell myself to a possible roommate? Not to mention that I would still have to search for an apartment for my mother anyway since she refuses to stay at the place we live at now. Ah, well yes... I guess so, but I still would really prefer just talking and planning together to get inspired, that's just how I roll. In fact this constant state of exhaustion and stress draining my creativity hurts the most. Everything I do is half-assed because of that. I will try, thanks. Ugh... no? I was walked around the school by the then vice principal who is now retired back when I was hired, but on my first day I was essentially just thrown in. I only got classes in their first years at the school, so I had to start from scratch and while I was double stacked in three of my lessons to work together with another teacher, all of them soon disappeared into sick leave or retirement (or sick leave to bridge the time till retirement...) and I had to do the lessons on my own anyway. There is a conference for the history department once a year, but most teachers seem to find an excuse to not attend. The previous two times I was there there were only three people, with me and the department head making up two already (and the third one only cared about pushing off the class outing of his ludicrously problematic class onto me because he doesn't want to do it anymore). Meanwhile I was begging the computer science department head to call a conference since forever because our school curriculum is grossly violating the state guidelines, but he adamantly refuses to do so because he wrote it and sees no reason to change it in his last years before retirement, even when the seminar leader of my teacher trainee complained at the school administration. He has that tendency to just wait problems out until people give up bringing them up, which I have already run in several times when there was negative feedback about unnecessary restrictions he imposed on the school computers that have already screwed over lessons and exams. Speaking of the teacher trainee, yes, I got a trainee myself this past year, next week she will have her final lesson at our school. And I barely ever interacted with her. When I offered to look through her preparation to give advice she said she had no time because she only manages to finish her preparations in the night before each lesson and she was only at school for one lesson per week anyway since another school is her main school. I then couldn't even watch any of her lessons because I had to fill in and take over the parallel course of one of the above mentioned colleagues on permanent sick leave. It's ridiculous, but also kinda my fault for giving up so easily. There is also another computer science teacher 'trainee' (as in: An older colleague who is doing a computer science course at university) and whom I offered numerous times to come watch my lessons, but who then never appeared because of his lack of time. The weird thing is that the school overall is fine, but the atmosphere in the staff room is weird. At the school where I was teacher trainee and which was like three times smaller, the relationship between colleagues was a lot more warm, but there was still a lot of hostility towards the school administration for some rather crappy methods to keep the teachers in line and dismissing of fears that the school looses profile and reputation. Here there is the exact same hostility despite the fact that I never saw the principal do anything that warrants it and it is coupled with a far older staff with many shortly before retirement and an overlaying attitude of "If I don't get an hour reduction in exchange for this thing I am being asked, I will not do it" which causes people to react extremely standoffish whenever you ask just about anything. And it got a lot worse now thanks to Corona. Since many are very pissed about having to wear masks and having all windows wide open at freezing temperatures, most seem to have retreated into abandoned corners of the school in their down time and try to spend as little time in the staff rooms as possible. That's actually not unlike my takeaway, though I must admit it is a lot more cynical. In that people only interact with you as long as they have something to gain from it and as soon as you stop being interesting or useful, you'll stop being on their mind and get dropped. That was pretty much my entire university experience with attaching myself to people and only existing for the time you interact with them face-to-face and opportunities to stay in contact never arising. And having trouble with something is a very quick way to speed up that process as you get only viewed as a bother. Ah, I know that as well!^^ I was still asked to leave the staff room at the beginning of the second year by colleagues who apparently never noticed me before, so there is that. But then again, I can't really blame any of them, I still can't buy wine for my mother without getting squinted at and asked for my ID. Of course that... doesn't help my self-esteem either, given how I get cruelly aware of both how people look down at me while I am still already far too old to still be stuck in my stupid circumstances. Yeah, sounds like a cultural thing, though then again it is hard to say with my background of having very little and estranged family and no friends. Maybe other Germans have more luck? XD Lol, same! It's strange, isn't it? I can freely moan about my problems by shouting them out into the void of the internet, but god forbid anybody in real life asks me "How are you?"; I immediately have to switch to defensive mode. It's significantly easier to be open about your messed up state of mind when you don't have to look into the other one's face afterwards. So... enough rambling... got to get going again already!
  12. More like resignation and always having work to do. First rushing through my studies and then teacher training and now entering the job itself. I really never had much time for anything else. Bringing it up would have also been problematic, given that she's still being terrorized by my father to this day because he's upset he still has to pay alimony. I... I must admit, I find it remarkable that you even see the possibility of other people letting someone live with them. That needs a ridiculous amount of trust, does it not? I have a hard time imagining how you even ask for something like that. To the question itself: I think it should be obvious that we have nobody. My mother has one old friend left, mostly because she has the tendency to cut off all contact forever with everybody she feels slighted by, but I guess she never had many relationships anyway, she also broke with her sister a long time ago because she didn't reply to a Christmas card or something. I myself don't even have that, with no rl friends whatsoever, nobody I feel comfortable even talking to. It's strange, I was always a pariah during school life, but endured it without stressing out so much about it, but during these 8 years I have developed a full-blown social anxiety and tend to become extremely defensive when talking about anything other than work. I guess it doesn't help that after I failed every attempt to stay in contact with people from university and now at school me being about a decade younger than even the youngest colleague and looking even younger than that makes things awkward. Wow, that's... that's a thing? XD I mean, sure, I have memories of when my paternal aunt still lived who organized big family gatherings that actually only occasionally devolved into drunken hurtful rants, but otherwise were still pretty nice at the time. Later on holidays only consisted of my father provoking fights so that he can go off to a party alone, so there is that...
  13. Sigh... just finished my work for today. Managed to correct the exams of two classes and calculated and sent off the semester grades of three classes. Only one class left, then I'm actually done for this semester, though the deadline is tomorrow, so it will still be stressful. I also still have my preparation for next week to do and there are a couple of retry exams left. Well, not quite entirely. She still gets alimony, but not enough to live on her own. This leaves me confused. As well? Do you mean now or in any future constellation? Right now is the situation that the marriage of my parents imploded just as I was getting out of High School. I moved out, but only lived on my own for a week until my mother moved in with me because she couldn't pay the rent of our old home on her own and that has been the state of things for the last 8 years. Thanks for the suggestion and sentiment, but no, there is nobody I could live with. Yes, I looked for smaller apartments as well, but the insane thing is that those aren't necessarily any cheaper (also if you have a dedicated study for work you can write it off taxes, so that's something I'd like to keep in mind.^^). I'm glad to hear that it works out for you! I just heard that we will have one week of online lessons after Christmas with the intention of preventing a post-Christmas superspreading event, but generally the idea remains to keep the schools open no matter what happens. Politicians are aware just how bad our digital equipment is. Well, there is a massive difference between not trying to give some simple tasks a chance that you can do all by yourself as opposed to exposing your weakness to other people and hope they don't take advantage of that to improve their standing. The thing is, I simply don't know anyone I could ask for help. Like I said, I'm the only actual computer science teacher and in regards to history/politics may be other teachers there, but I maybe see them twice a semester. It is a really big school with seven staff rooms. I should also note that I'm always failing these things and get discouraged easily whenever I'm being turned down. Outside of asking for materials, I was asking quite often whether people would be willing to prepare lessons together, because brainstorming ideas like that seems a lot more fair to me, but I never managed to do it. At first I tried to stay in contact with some fellow teacher trainees I graduated with from university to try and prepare our work together, but they never had time and we never met again ever. Then I tried to approach other teacher trainees from my seminary, but they also turned me down citing their lack of time, though a couple of weeks later it turned out that every single one of the people I asked now was part of such a prep group with each other. When I found out I was somewhere between seething rage and absolute devastation, giving up entirely on speaking with them anymore. And that's with people I thought I was getting along with! Now imagine the barriers within me dealing with these colleagues at my current school with whom I barely ever interact at all. I just wanted to say something encouraging about how not having other people around (or the option to invite other people) might improve the mood due to less tension about having to deal with them until I noticed you considered them actually being a source of relieve. Eh... Maybe... well, it might be advantageous to just go into this Christmas with an open mind. Expect the best to prevent it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy!^^
  14. Well, thanks, but... I just don't know how to do something like that. The rents here have skyrocketed to a degree that it is impossible for me to finance two households and even then, looking for places costs time I don't have. Last summer break my mother had a 180° turnaround where she frantically demanded I move out because it might be advantageous to her ongoing legal battles with my father, but that as well was an incredibly exhausting and fruitless experience where I only got to see exactly one place in my income category and that was the creepy dark attic of some old man. -.- In fact, several landlords showed themselves aghast that a lone guy is searching for a 2,5 rooms flat (I desperately want a separate study for work) and refused to invite me because of that. All those set-backs caused my mother to change tracks that I should save up to buy a house for both of us instead, since that, hilariously enough, might actually be cheaper. That I can absolutely not do. I have far too few lessons as it is to get the topics done I have to cover in any sensible detail and nobody can cover anybody. I can only call in sick if I am truly sick and I am not. Also Christmas holiday is soon enough... though I worry a lot about how to spend it. I recently watched a few videos of teachers on Youtube and one advised to prepare all of your lessons entirely during your holidays so that you can focus on the day-to-day business during the actual school time. But obviously I don't feel confident I will be able to work through the holidays and end up having anything to show for it. We'll see whether they still will be open in January... Right now it seems more and more doubtful. But then again, fully online schools are also shit. I lost far too many students when we closed them last semester who interpreted that as holidays, cut off all contact with school and played dead. Thanks for the hint, though... I guess I'm really bad at that. I can't do that for computer science because I'm essentially the only computer science teacher there is. I could do that for history, but... I am utterly unable to just take someone else's stuff into my own lessons without massively reworking it. I always strive for my lessons to have something of a narrative why we need to look at A and B to form an opinion about C and someone else's work never truly fits that logic I want to guide my students through... ... and truth be told, there is also this bit about me that my 'professional me' in school is pretty much the only aspect of myself that I take pride in. If I ever ask anybody for help I think I cannot take it. And that's not even taking in account how much I have been taught through experience that showing weakness will always cause people to attack you. And not being able to make my lessons on my own most certainly is a weakness in this job, given how I was utterly wrecked during teacher training for daring to ask my seminar leader what I can do to improve my stuff.
  15. Thanks for the kind words. I know for a long time that this is what I should be doing, but I'm too stressed to even think about it right now and just know that it is going to get messy if I try... And I know myself, deep down I'm a coward and fold like a paper bird whenever she says something discouraging. And no, here is no lockdown whatsoever, life at least for us is going on without any difference to before the pandemic, I just got more work because of it because I have to handle both the in-person teaching and the homeschooling for those in quarantine at the same time. Well, the normal workload in my federal state is 26 school hours of teaching + preparation and follow-up work and yeah, being very much of a beginner myself, my situation is similar to yours. Looking back at my previous posts, I have always complained about my work-life-balance these last two years, but right now it is especially bad because next Monday the grades have to be finalized and yet some class teachers insist on having them finished by Friday, so I am especially frantic to get everything done till then. And my standards... the worst part is that my constant exhaustion has reached a point where I am extremely unhappy with how my lessons turn out either way because I am wasting just soo much time. I came back home today and was instantly overwhelmed by exhaustion, fought on, needed 3 hours to create one exam for tomorrow and then only managed to correct 4 other exams or so... It is not that I am overly perfectionist with my lessons by now, it is that everything I do takes insanely long and it's driving me mad. So basically that I have no work-life balance and keep running against this wall like an idiot is entirely my own fault that I can't escape anymore...
  16. Ah shit, my mood has hit rock bottom since yesterday. So for the past few weeks my routine has been thus: Every weekend entirely filled with correcting exams, every weekday filled with school, then after school preparing lessons and online-lessons for the next day, then 4-5 hours of sleep. I'm pretty much constantly exhausted and working very ineffectively, but have to get my stuff done with the fast approaching deadlines somehow. And yesterday my mother's daily dinner table rant went full brunt into my direction. She has been pretty pissed the entire time that I'm skimping on my house chores due to my suffocating workload, berating me every weekend while I'm correcting and angrily cursing me loud enough that I hear her the next room over. I admit, it's a shitty thing for me to do, but I don't know where else to take the time from. But now it bubbled out of her once again, that it's a grave mistake that I've even become a teacher, I can't work with children anyway and even if I insist on doing this, I am an idiot for not searching for a better school already right now, one year in the job is enough experience and I need to apply long in advance because nobody will want to take me anyway. When I tried to object that I want to change schools once I have settled in into the job, but also made some life experiences and stand on my own feet, she got my meaning immediately and furiously said she will never ever allow me to live apart from her because she doesn't know how many years she still has left and doesn't want to spend them in (financial?) fear. So that's it. Pretty much all the stuff where I thought "I will do that once I live on my own" have been wiped away just like that. It will never happen. At least not without breaking with my mother forever and I'm too exhausted to even consider causing that much conflict. My life has reached a deadend. Changing the federal state? Working abroad? Picking up new hobbies? Dating? All impossible... I guess I must sound utterly pathetic and insane when I say that this little outburst was causing enough despair that I briefly wondered why I even bothered living anymore, given that my life will be all the same until my death. I just... can't deal with all this shit right now...
  17. Ah yes, I actually managed to feel a bit better about myself, but of course I had to be struck down by a massive headache that refuses to go away. Gah... Interestingly this is opposed to... damn, two weeks ago. I got the bright idea to draw a sketch as a way to take a breather... which itself is already weird given that I can't draw for shit, but to get the perspective right I shot a selfie and looking at it just felt miserable afterwards. After the whole exchange here in the Dating thread I wondered whether I should try my luck downloading an app this spring, but just the idea of trying to sell myself with a picture is ludicrous to me. I hate absolutely everything about how I look... I mean... the weirdest aspect of that whole global pandemic thing is the fact that nothing at all changed in how I live my life. I was able to work in a library to get away from the madness at home back when I was at university, but ever since I became a teacher proper, my life has always been just home and school. The only difference now is that I have additional workload in regards to keeping in touch with the quarantined students on top of the regular teaching. I'm sorry to hear about your inner conflicts right now. I'm getting the feeling being stuck at home with your sister lets you go up the wall in a way not too dissimilar to me. I guess I am in no position to give constructive advice, but know that trying to wrap your head around all your troubles, real or perceived, at the same time is what is overwhelming you. When you realize that happening, take a deep breath and say "One step at a time" and focus on whatever you wanted to do right in the moment. I know... I'm one to tell... but still.^^
  18. Me too, but for me it's posting shit in forums and the like. I guess it's a side effect of reaching rock bottom in terms of loneliness and anxiety. I'm sorry I have to vent my nonsense again, but it's just insane... Basically I had been at my most effective last Wednesday when I was correcting exams wearing a jacket in the freezing cold staff room with no ways to distract myself. At home the situation however is really bad. I'm extremely desperate to get my remaining exams corrected, design the next batch of exams, have to prepare my lessons for the week and homeschooling for all the quarantined students, all the while my mother is suffocatingly angry all the time about the state of the flat and pretty much constantly berating me for sitting at the desk all day and not help enough with the chores, so I have to abandon my work every hour or two to do a cleaning thing or two and then return and get distracted with the internet again while my mother keeps harping on me from the next room over. And yes, I'm pretty sure I'm only posting so much shit right now and then anxiously check for replies because the only other option would be to scream uncontrollably about how miserable I feel right now and that I have absolutely nobody to talk to. I feel like bursting, but I'm also well aware that everyone else is just as busy and it's horrible of me to waste precious minutes complaining.
  19. Still watching Higurashi Gou. And still not entirely sure how they will go about resolving this show. So far the idea seems to be entirely "It's the same exact story arcs as in the original Higurashi, but with a twist". This... I am not quite sure I like as much as I should. With every arc so far being four episodes, this means there are three episodes that are 90% boredom because it is just repeating stuff you already know with only some small hints that something has changed and then it all comes crashing down in an ending that usually has the murderers and victims switched up. The ending of the "Watadamashi" arc was a fantastic mystery though, giving you just enough clues to figure out 80% of what happened on your own, but still leaving something you need more information for to get a clear picture. And yet, YET, I am annoyed just how much of the arc was just the Watanagashi arc despite Keiichi giving the doll to Mion. Vast swathes of the plot shouldn't have happened like that. At least in this one Rika has the excuse for how fast she was dispatched to explain why she wasn't able to influence more things.
  20. I'm sorry, I have to whine yet again with my stupid problems... Just ignore it, I just want it off my chest somewhere without disturbing anyone who has to deal with their far more important own shit. I'm... absolutely stunned at my ineffectiveness. I woke up extremely tired with burning eyes and severe back pain. I initially wanted to take some cold pack out of the fridge, put it on my eyes and lie down again, but my mother took it as a sign that I'm awake and she can use the desk, so I myself spent the next three hours hunched over my laptop in my bed again, looking fruitlessly for a Christmas present for her while the next thing on my list for the day would have been to go jogging. I did that then finally, but I got a headache after just 100 meters in addition to a severe anxiety attack about it already being so late and aborted. Half the day is gone already and the only thing I did is get out of bed, god damn it... This is just the tip of the iceberg though. Thursday after school I spent the entire evening and night just writing mails and still somehow managed to forget two that I haven't managed to write till now. Yesterday I had no school and spent the entire day correcting four exams. As in: The exams of four students. I'm beyond saving at this point. I... have honestly no idea how I ever survived my own school time. Was it always this bad? Were days always passing this ludicrously fast? Back when I was a kid I called Friday "free Friday" because it was the only day I wasn't working after school, I had a tight schedule where I was learning or doing homework every single day and that was perfectly fine and I got a lot done in that time. But now? Every single little task is a grueling chore that takes hours upon hours upon hours. What the fuck happened? Yes, I'm tired and my body aches all over and my eyes are surrounded by a disgusting deep purple for longer than I can possibly remember, but that can't be all there is to it. There is a deep-seated anxiety and uncertainty what to do permeating everything I do. It frustrates me to no end and causes me to cut back on caring about my health, my hobbies or my home life at every point to scratch together enough time to not fail too miserably at my work. It is a constant race against time where I am only loosing and never get anything done, wasting away at the computer for 14 hours per day every weekend and every wake minute that I am at home during the weekday, so usually further 6 hours. For fuck's sake, my cat barfed onto the corner of my bed three days ago and I haven't found time to change the sheet thinking that it's not the part where I lie, so it has no priority. That's how bad it is! And yes, writing this down has also cost me 20 minutes that I should have spent preparing an exam or correcting another one or writing a mail or preparing next week's lessons. I'm an absolute mess and at some point just want to throw myself down and scream, if that wouldn't cost me too much time either.
  21. Ryukishi played his audience like a goddamn fiddle! I mean... sure that the author specializing in ridiculously unreliable narrators and meta-twists will play a prank like this on the viewers he made to believe that the new Higurashi show is a remake. Damn... So the whole thing started to come down on Wednesday. Amazon put up the show and an episode list and people started wondering why it was named "Higurashi no naku koro ni Gou" and why its first arc is called "Onidamashi" (Deceived by Demons) instead of "Onikakushi" (Abducted by Demons) despite the first episode having depicted Onikakushi events. I watched the Reddit melting down in real time as people started discussing that this could indeed be a different story. And then Episode 2 aired. Immediately starting out with: IT IS A SEQUEL! NOT A REMAKE! GODDAMN IT, RYUKISHI! Ironically I am now a lot more curious how this will play out. I have honestly no clue whatsoever. None of this was ever shown in any of the VNs or mangas. So far the second episode as well depicts mostly Onikakushi events, including some scenes the first Anime skipped, but skipping a lot of very crucial scenes and still alluding to them as if acknowledging that they should be here. Which in turn makes me wonder: Anyway, my first hunch that the scenes they skipped were far too crucial for this to be a remake and suspecting a Rebuild of Evangelion situation was so absolutely on the mark that I'm still stunned about my prediction. Yay, I guess? In other news I am very slightly starting to get used to the art style. That doesn't mean I like it, mind you. I still find it lifeless and rigid with everyone looking like plastic dolls. The thick lighting effects somewhat manage to cover it up during twilight and night scenes though. Other than that I have nothing else to say, except having you enjoy the fantastic opening: There are two very tiny Umineko references in it though that leave me utterly at a loss just how meta this show will get. I hope this will not throw off people who only know Higurashi. Adding on these concerns there is a small bit at the beginning of the episode where: That was odd, to say the least. And now I'm worrying that this might mean...
  22. Just watched the first episode of the Higurashi Remake. I... I don't really know where I stand. So far the art style is the only part that severely puts me off. The characters look like plastic figurines and the always blushing cheeks during the slice-of-life segments never stop irritating me. I have been really paranoid about fanservice, but so far there hasn't been anything notable. There was one really strange crotch shot of Satoko during the picnic at the Furude shrine though that I don't exactly know where to put. Other than that, they have restrained themselves, but we also haven't seen any penalty games for some reason. On the plus side of things: The first few scenes lift the dialogue pretty much verbatim from the visual novel. I think that's their way of assuring viewers that they are trying a faithful adaptation. I also soon discovered that they ditched the reddened cheeks during serious scenes, which goes a long way in making me get used to the art, though the plastic feeling never stops, which will make gore scenes very odd to look at I assume. They also pull all the stops in terms of foreshadowing, especially the prominent display of Rika's calendar took me by surprise this early. Then we came across our first diversion. In a nod to the original Anime featuring the club's welcome card game to Keiichi the remake skips to one day later with Keiichi asking whether they will play this again and the club instead playing a "game" to find Mion's marker that she hid somewhere in the school. That... I don't really what was the intention of that? The card game was extremely useful for getting to know how the club and its penalty game's work, as well as giving a crucial clue for the mystery of this chapter. Why just telling what happened and even removing the penalty part of the replacement game? It's as if this Anime is aimed exactly at people who are already familiar with the story and don't need those clues anymore, which I think makes very little sense for a remake aiming at getting a new audience. This feeling got turned up to eleven during the final scene of the episode where for some reason the old Anime's opening song started playing for the credits. Does that mean they will literally use the old opening? Seriously? I'm... not sure what to make of that if it's true. And some tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist within me is quite on edge about this Anime pulling a Rebuild of Evangelion on us and severely altering the story we know. Heck, the post-credits scene extremely hinted at something like this, to be honest... I'll keep watching and will try to stay on my toes. We'll see how this goes storywise and whether I can manage to adjust to the art style.
  23. I had today a rather interesting moment that I'd like to share. So... I'm a teacher... and if you have seen my latest post where I was worrying about the tensions in one of my classes due to Erdogan's invasion of Syria, you know that I work with classes that have a very high migration background, about 70% and mostly Turkish. Today I had with that class again, though not Politics, but Computer Science instead. The students had to make short presentations of "Pioneers of Computer Science", the exercise was obviously more about the making of presentations than anything else, but the topic is interesting enough and I thought I could provoke some surprises by offering them an equal amount of male and female pioneers instead of the usual history of boring old men that you get too often. The history of Computer Science makes that quite easy, what with the software aspect being heavily female dominated up until 70s toxic nerd culture wrecked the gender balance. Anyway... long story short, the students didn't react much at all the stories of awesome female pioneers writing the first code, sending people to the moon, cracking the enigma etc. Which I hope had to do with them not thinking it unusual. What however they DID find unusual and which causes me to write here was the presentation of Alan Turing and how the persecution of his homosexuality drove him to suicide. That caught the students by surprise and caused a barrage of question. Why was it treated as a crime? What even is homosexuality? How did the perception of it change? Which countries are still criminalizing it? Remember, 70% Muslim background. Several of the students came into the conversation with either no knowledge whatsoever or had picked up some rather troubling notions. What made the discussion so open and productive however was that even those entered it not treating their image as truth, but as a question. It was not "Homosexuality is a desease.", it was "Is Homosexuality a desease?". There was a genuine curiosity for the right answer there. And with questions you can work. The students had to define what a desease is and quite quickly came to the conclusion that it can't be. The next question then was "Is it a fetish then?", which once again caused them to scramble for an answer, with me barely intervening at all. That it all started with the questioning of the persecution of one man also had the added bonus that at the end of the tangent we came back to this question and voiced the conclusion that the main reason for it being treated as a deviancy was a silence on the matter. An adherence to what is assumed normal and what not, one mostly created by religion. And that society only changed because of the thing we just did: Talk about it. Removing the shroud of strangeness and shame and treat any sexuality as a thing we can understand and accept. I must admit I was quite proud of my class there.^^ Despite being obviously also a bit troubled that 16/17 years olds living in Berlin of all places still had such a vague notion of what homosexuality is.
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