Toth

Shit. The conversation from Tuesday has caused my anxiety to flare up again in full force. I'm constantly ruminating that I don't deserve love because I could be incapable of feeling it myself and expressing it in the right way. There is just no hope... I have no concept of love, no reference point on how to feel it and how to express it. Trying to act confident and considerate may just end up hurting someone if I turn out to be incapable of backing it up...

1 hour ago, Madame deVenoge said:

I’ll admit it’s not super hard and fast of a rule - I think only Mr. MBA probably made significantly less. My other men have generally made a lot more, but the whole point is, if I want to go to Europe, or something, I want someone who can reasonably afford to come with me. I also want someone who has a career where if I take them to dinner with a tax or audit partner, or an executive, knows how to behave and can carry on a conversation. 

The "knows how to behave" part just gave me flashbacks to a former colleague of mine telling "funny" dating stories of hers. She was a former model and actress before becoming theater teacher and was absurdly conventionally attractive. The thing is, she somehow almost entirely went out with rich snobs who behaved cartoonishly evil towards restaurant staff, apparently as an attempt to show off to her that they can get away with it. Given how she still kept downplaying it as "people with money are just eccentric", it really made me question her taste in men, I must admit, but I also take it as a sign that going after men with a lot of money may backfire.

Granted, I can also see the point that a guy with less money may also get a complex about it and become nasty, because some people just have ego issues either way, but I'm certain there must be some kind of balance where the "vibe" is one where they look above becoming a hassle because of that.

3 hours ago, Kalbear said:

Okay, so here's the thing - you cannot and should not be considerate to the point of selflessness. Talking about wants and needs is nice, but it's also really exhausting on the talker's side and doesn't end up making you feel particularly wanted; it makes you feel like you're a quest giver, and then are obligated to reward that person after they've completed it. The part about how she didn't feel desired enough I bet rings really weird to you - how could someone who is trying to do whatever they want not feeling desired? But that's not desire; that's devotion. Desire is grabbing that person and kissing them, desire is being selfish and wanting them for your own sake because they make you feel good, desire is being out of control and not being able to just think about what they want and instead give in to what you want. 

I think the issue is that I saw myself so much even in his flaws that she mentioned... and that's in fact this, that I just... never felt that strongly about anyone. And have to wonder whether this is because I've almost never met a female single so far and therefore rationally held myself back, or whether I stifled my emotions with my anxiety or whether I'm just straight up asexual (for which I have also plenty of evidence and the guy in the story was quite upfront about being asexual, but willing to try it anyway for her's sake). So it sounds to me like as long as I'm not able to feel for someone as strongly as to loose all inhibitions, I don't deserve to be loved back, huh...

Because quite frankly, selfishness is something I am very hesitant about either. At worst I am self-centered when I feel bad...

1 hour ago, Madame deVenoge said:

It’s good to have an ideal you, and an ideal partner. However, you have to remember that an “ideal” is never achievable. Perfection does not exist.

Hey, I'm well aware that this ideal me is still just me and still has my flaws under the surface. That's exactly why this story resonated as much with me because her descriptions of it matched with how even in my own fantasies I see myself awkward as hell when it comes to sex and find the idea of intimacy far more desirable than any of the mechanics, if that makes any sense.

2 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

Perhaps this internet couple had other failings, perhaps she just decided she wanted to focus on something else, or he wanted to get married and she didn’t, or she couldn’t stand that he only liked white wine and not red wine.

Well no, she was perfectly clear about it that he was crossing all of her boxes with the sole exception that after a month she still needed to guide him in bed and that that killed all attraction to him. She ended up saying that they are still friends and that she hopes he gets together with someone who likes it less rough for him to make the experience he needs.

5 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

When I started working at a high school, one of my new coworkers (who didn't yet know me) tried to send me to change my shoes (as the students are obliged to do). We should be flattered!

Well, the most comparable story I have is one new colleague last year demanding to know how a student like me sneaked into the staff room in the most conceited "I am worth so much more than you" way possible. Then again, the guy was an absolute psycho and now everyone who acted only bemused at my open hostility towards him is now saying they knew all along he was creepy, now that he has been fired.

But yeah, I guess I should try to see it this way. Somehow... Had at least an amusing discussion on Discord about it recently with someone who shares the same fate.

Also congrats to household merger of course!

Just came across a story of a girl complaining about her ex-boyfriend, where the guy behaved pretty much exactly like that ideal me that I have been fantasizing about, with him being very considerate, having long talks about wants and needs and trying to fulfill her every wish and... yet the story still ended with her dumping him for being awkward and inexperienced in bed and thus not making her feel desired enough. And they were 10 years younger than me. Sigh... I know the story of two strangers on the internet shouldn't concern me, but it still feels like a stab in the belly and makes me think that intimacy is impossible for guys like me...

35 minutes ago, kissdbyfire said:

It was stupid if escalation was not precisely the goal.  

The only end goal for that that I can think of would be to settle things with Iran once and for all, but that is also an inherently stupid thing to start, because the reaction of other Muslim nations really can't be anticipated there. Being the aggressor there nukes decades of normalization which were the only reason why so many Muslim nations have reacted to the Gaza war with verbal protest only. There is a good chance they'd exchange a situation with only one openly hostile neighbor left with one where almost everyone is hostile again.

24 minutes ago, Heartofice said:

Definitely an escalation, but the framing I’m seeing here suggests people seem to think that Iran haven’t been engaged in a  proxy war with Israel for quite some time. 

We are also in a proxy war with Russia in Ukraine and I don't see France blow up the Russian embassy in Mali. The whole idea of a proxy war is to not directly attack the other one for fear of uncontrollable escalation. Therefore the Israeli attack was mindbogglingly stupid. If they hadn't done that, we would not have the risk of war at hand now. I just hope for once Netanyahu can swallow down his ego and everyone's temper can calm down. The ball is in his court. Eye for an eye needs to end right here.

11 hours ago, kissdbyfire said:

Well, try and have fun with it. When someone say you look too young or something, tell them you made a pact with the devil, or just say, “I know but you should see the portrait I have my attic”. 

Mmh. I've made the experience that trying to be cheeky about it always backfires with the other one never understanding what I try to get across. Granted, sometimes when someone asks for my age in visible astonishment, I have started to sometimes reply: "Old."

6 hours ago, Tears of Lys said:

Could you maybe grow a beard?  That always makes people look older.

Can't. I unfortunately don't have the genes for that. The most I can do is a mustache. Which I currently have... and contemplating to get rid of specifically to supplement my new attempt at acting more confidently. I'm musing that the also affects my confidence because it feels like something I actually don't like and only wear for that goal of looking older. Without it, I would look even younger, but I wouldn't have a reminder of my insecurity anymore. Does that make sense?

2 hours ago, kissdbyfire said:

You are aware that 99,9% of people would kill to hear that kind of comment, right? 

Think of it this way, in 20 years time when your friends are grey and wrinkled they’ll all be jealous of you!

Maybe, but up until then, I find it rather a hindrance. When you get asked for ID when buying a lighter, because you need to be 14 to buy one, I think it's obvious that there is something wrong with the shape of my face. That happened two years ago.

On top of that, just now I needed an ID photo for my personal file at work and rummaged through my old ID photos. I genuinely had trouble telling apart 10 years old photos from ones I had made a year ago...

Yesterday I was wished good luck for my high school final exam by an unknown student while I was camping outside the exam room for my monitoring duty.

I... I really never get to look my age, can I?

On 4/9/2024 at 7:45 PM, Tears of Lys said:

@Toth I hope being able to "vent" your feelings to this board helps!  You know that most people are unsure of themselves and curious about how they present to others.  Actually, as you get older, you worry less about how others think about you and just try to make it through your life as best you can.  

Anyway,we'll always be here - the Old Gods and New willing.  

I'm... hoping of course that it helped... but sometimes I'm not sure I've not prolonged my downwards spirals with all the hours mentally churning through the stuff I want to yell into the void... If I had shrugged and moved on I maybe would have been able to... or exploded at some point, I don't know.

Though I have to note I'm conflicted as to how to proceed at my home situation at the moment. I feel my... attempt at creating a social me stands in conflict, obviously, with the sorry state of communication at home and I wonder whether I have to expand and adjust it to compensate.

The thing is, for about a year I'm essentially giving my mother the silent treatment. Ever since I made the mistake of tentatively trying to express how I feel discouraged by her reflex to talk me out of anything I want to do and she absolutely exploded, trashing the house and threatening to destroy all my stuff while I'm at work for hours. Ever since then I just nod and say yes to anything, but otherwise try to get away with saying nothing at all. So far, she hadn't really minded it much for some reason, but now that I've spent the last two weekends completely outside the house and refuse to tell her where I was, she is getting really irritated and goes on regular rants about how much I must suck at my job if I am acting in front of students the same way I am acting towards her. At the same time, I guess partly now because of my renewed vigor to focus on attention, but also because I had two weeks of holiday while she didn't, I noticed just how extreme her habit of nonstop talking is. During the weekdays, she's wake up at 7 am and from then on started to talk to me as I was awoken by the cat anyway. And she continues no matter where she is, whether at the desk in my room, in the kitchen, in the bath or her bedroom, she is constantly commenting on every thing that is going through her mind, but still regularly expecting me to respond and getting upset when I don't. She does this until she leaves the house at 9:30 am and left me an anxious mess in that entire time. I then managed to have something of a productive day, but once she returns, she immediately continues and needs to tell me every little bit of what happened her today and why she hates her boss and all her coworkers, while I just sit frozen at the computer, having to close all my tabs and listen until she wanders off again to curse in the kitchen.

In a way, I find it really sad. Clearly I'm her only confidante. After all, she has no friends or family she is on speaking terms either. I did once suggest to try and find a hobby, but she scoffed at the idea... And yet, as written above, she now seems to realize how distant I am gets mad about it. Well, on the other hand to say a positive thing she did, last Sunday she must have noticed how distressed I was when she all of a sudden wanted me to cook (which she usually never does, rarely even touching whatever I cook, complaining about me using ingredients she doesn't like) and I was panicking because I wanted to go out to a board game night. Eventually after I froze up and started cursing myself, she told me to at least get the garbage out on my way out, essentially giving me a push to do so. I was an hour late, but at least I went...

... so now I'm wondering whether I should pretend I am on good terms with her and talk normally to avoid the tense atmosphere at home to get worse. On the other hand, I just feel constantly miserable because I know my ideal self could talk to her about my sense of suffocation without making her go off... but then again, she has such a short fuse when she thinks I am acting to betray her that I absolutely can't risk it.

Damn... I believe my recent tabletop exposure and some recent conversations with new online acquaintances have turned me wistful. I really would love to DM at some point. I have familiarized myself with the role of a player in one-shots and now that Star Wars campaign I joined, but initially my fascination came from listening to D&D live games, with Dimension 20 and Brennan's extremely good DMing front and center.

And now... I've got myself a bunch of one-page one-shots, inspired by the great DM from the fanfiction Discord, and on top of that bought myself a batch of dice, including some really pretty liquid core ones that caught my eyes, even though they feel more like dice-shaped snow globes rather than what I had initially envisioned from the store photos.

And well... these past two weeks, after four months of wavering and flaking, I've ended up going to board game evenings at a bar. So far mostly just joining whatever table had a spot open and was willing to adopt me. At the same time I saw people just bring their own set of games, take an empty table and try to look inviting for anyone wandering along. And here I wonder whether one of these days I pack those dice and one-shots and a bunch of regular games in case nobody is interested and try my luck finding people curious enough for a brief impromptu adventure.

Is that a bad idea? Ironically, I saw one of the board game meetups at a different day in that same group advertising one-page one-shots as a separate table. In fact, the exact same one-page one-shots that I got clued in on by the Discord DM, because apparently there is only one writer who does these. In any case, I wonder whether I overstep any boundaries trying...

20 hours ago, Poobah said:

Ultimately I reflect that I'm the problem, that I need to change who I am if I want to be happier but I'm not sure I can in ways that will help me get what I want. I try and try and try and I do feel like I am a better, healthier, stronger person in many ways than I was in the past, but none of this helps with my core problems, and some life event or other always knocks me back so I never feel like I get anywhere, and I'm back to invoking Sisyphus. 

This feeling of feeling like Sisyphus really resonates deeply with me and I can only encourage you to scroll up to my Eureka moment earlier. I think it is important to acknowledge that there will be no magical moment where you tell yourself "Great! I'm fixed now! Now I can finally do the things to make myself happy that I have put off all this time." I don't know how it is for you, and granted, it sounds like you are actually better integrated into having a social life than I am, but I am quite aware that even when I was nice and considerate, I always kept some degree of distance for fear of letting them see how troubled I actually am. Which naturally affects my posture and and makes me shy away from opening up or even just grasping opportunities to know people closer. Why would I ask them anything about themselves when I don't know them too well... wouldn't they ask me something first if they were truly interested? You see how that automatically creates distance.

So for me, I think it is equally important to acknowledge that, while it is true that you can't just switch off your fears and anxieties, that at the same time fears and anxieties are things that only exist for you in your head and not necessarily in the image other people have of you. So for me, when I decide to create a "social self" that I let interact with people in a way I wish I could have always interacted with them, I certainly hope that many of my insecurities get smoothed over and I at least manage to get a foot into the door. Also I have to say, it's not just a role to play, it is still a part of me. That's why it is important to think about your core values and what you yourself envision you to be in different circumstances. How do you see your ideal self interact with people, both platonically and romantically? How do you see your ideal self express their interest in other peoples' lives? How do you see your ideal self react to people displaying different values to your own? How do you see your ideal self resolve conflicts? Having a guideline like this at the very least gives a bit of security to cling to.

Sigh... I'm sorry. I know I really shouldn't vent, but I feel like I need to.

The thought of stepping back into the "world" of dating as a 30 years old guy who has never successfully made that first step, just feels... daunting. Too daunting, actually.

I've done a lot of soul-searching recently and decided for myself to not hold back anymore. I lost the last 12 years of my life taking care of my mother and it gave me a lot of anxiety about how people wouldn't understand my situation. So I always reflexively withdrew, even when I really wanted people in my life. Or rather, particularly when I knew I wanted to seek someone for my life, because it always felt unfair and selfish. I thought I was doing them a favor when I did. But now I want to act as my ideal self, even if my home situation hasn't changed. I can't wait any longer for me to miraculously love myself before I can get out. I can be interested in someone else's life, I can be kind and considerate even without reaching some imaginary "I am fixed now" point.

So I went out into the world, grasping for opportunities... and all I did was noticing once again I am getting along really well with taken or otherwise unavailable women. I am having endless chats, exchanging interests, feel comfortable... and yet... while I appreciate their company, I am painfully well aware that they cannot help me with my deeper loneliness, my craving for intimacy and touch starvation. I find myself surrounded with couples, listening to stories of romantic bonds, of establishing trust and expressing wants and needs and I can't help but feel wistful. I want that as well! But have absolutely zero clue how to find someone and show them that kindest possible me that I have created for myself. I know this sounds like some "nice guy" crap, but I'm genuinely absolutely clueless about meeting singles and showing interest. And to some degree fear that the same attributes that make me seem so... "unthreatening" to taken women, would come across as repellent to women who are searching.

I guess I'm also here because I had an odd conversation with female acquaintances on Discord yesterday urging me to give online dating another shot, telling me of their great experiences there, at the same time stressing that they themselves would never want to be approached in real life. They made it sound like Online Dating seems to be the only venue where you could find women that are actually seeking. But that caused me only discomfort because I have tried to avoid the apps because the utter silence on them was poison to my mental health. That is why I tried to make more acquaintances in real life in the first place. But ugh... I ended up looking through my old photos from my last attempt at online dating as I was weighing my chances. However I found that they are all horrible and became self-conscious again about how much I dislike my face and how impossible it feels to get across my new confident "social self" with that face in the way. I tried to make new photos while out, but they still don't feel different.

There are a couple of plausible sounding theories around that you need to be in the second generation of stars for there to even be enough heavier materials in the galaxy to form solid planets. Then comes the above mentioned issue with distance. We are looking right now far into the past of the galaxy and even further into the past of the rest of the universe, given that the other galaxies are moving away from us with more than light speed and speeding up. Whatever life there currently is in other galaxies, there is absolutely zero chance for us to ever detect it, because all we can see is those galaxies in a primordial state.

While I find it also vexing that there are no obvious signs of life in the direct neighborhood, I'm willing to think that most sentient life is just incredibly rare and odds are, it developed too far away and too recently for us to get clear signals as of yet. We ourselves  are 26.000ly away from the galactic core. Let's say, there is a civilization at the other side of the galaxy within the same "habitable zone" where stars exploded close enough for there to be enough of the necessary matter, but not so close that you get constantly messed up by gravitational pulls and more supernovae ruining your day, so a further 52.000ly away. Let's say this civilization started to do what we did when we first started out, sending our radio wave messages. And if we are lucky that there is no inference between us that scrambles the waves... that civilization needs to have existed 52.000 years in the past. And like fionwe noted, there is a huge fucking black hole and an absurdly thick cluster of stars between us, so there is only so much we can detect at this range that can be discerned from the immense background noise of said black hole, star clusters, star foundries and even more background chatter from the forming of other galaxies. It's a damned huge haystack out there. Probability says something will be out there. Heck, I'm even fairly sure there is more primitive life here in this star system. I'm thinking of the ocean floors of Ganymede and Europa or the clouds of Venus. Probably just some microbes, but life is tough and the building blocks are there. Sentient life certainly will be out there somewhere as well. It's just a question of whether it's close enough for us to ever run into them.

Lesson of the day: My English seems to be far less okay than I thought it was.

I finally managed to get to a Meetup after almost 4 months of being on the damn platform and this time even was shoved into a group to play with. Eventually the group dissolved and everyone went home and since everyone else was in the middle of a game, I went and watch a game of Werewolf. The thing is, my table apparently was the only one purely German, whereas the other tables were all in English because of the varied backgrounds. The Werewolf game was directed by this very fast-speaking British dude who apparently organized this every week for countless months on end. So you can imagine he was trying to play the game at a very brisk pace... and I must admit, as a spectator, I couldn't understand a single thing. He was speaking far too fast for me to follow. I already know that my pronunciation and speaking speed is considerably more shaky because of my lack of practice than my writing would suggest, but I was taken aback that I also have so much difficulty in in-person listening to someone who I imagine was an auctioneer in a previous life. Dang it... But much more surprising was how many of the players actually seemed to be able to follow him (not all, mind you, some also looked fairly lost and miserable).

4 hours ago, Phylum of Alexandria said:

When I was in high school, I had a similar epiphany, and it really changed how I navigated my social world. I was a shy introvert with not-great self-esteem, struggling to understand my place in the world. At some point I realized that most people around me were dealing with insecurity in some way, even the people who outwardly seemed so confident. So I "faked" it more, and lo and behold, people opened up more. Why hadn't I realized that it was so easy?

And you kept that secret to yourself?!?

But yeah, I... knew I am so damn late. I really think it was a mistake to treat "fake it until you make it" as... trying to fake confidence from my own perspective and experiment with small stuff like focusing on smiling or focusing on active listening techniques. That was always an approach coming from trying to improve my impression while still being me... which... was already terribly exhausting and never seemed to amount to much progress. Mostly because I at the same time always think I have to keep my distance and not take risks or else I end up exposing my anxiety. Which naturally just causes a

But yeah, congratulations that it worked for you!

3 hours ago, Larry of the Lawn said:

When you mention"disassociating my vulnerable, self-conscious, self-hating self", my totally non-professional advice would be sure, do that in the moment if that's what works for you.  And maybe later, or before hand, just acknowledge those feelings, and maybe think of that as your childhood self, or your little Toth, and tell him that it's ok, that he's safe, that he's a good and kind person, and that he deserves to be treated well, and then show him that by following up on this new revelation.  

Thanks very much! Though I must admit, I... couldn't really understand this part. I mean, where my inner self then stands in terms of myself. The thing is, as it is, I'd just put on another mask, but I don't think I could become that mask full-time. Not when I have to put it down at home or else couldn't put up with my mother without trying to express myself and causing havoc.

1 hour ago, Kalbear said:

It is wise - in fact, it's one of the only things that works - but it does tire you out. You do need some 'real' time. It's very similar to being an introvert; you can feel like you're extroverted in the moment, you can be outgoing and even do it autonomously (like, say, if you're drunk or stoned) - but afterwards you can need some breaks. This is also similar to masking and has similar pros and cons. You can take it further and work on improving things at a more base level, but being functional and the person you want to be in the situations you want to be in is far better than not. 

Yeah, I suspect that will be the case. As I've said, I haven't really gotten to put it to the test. Initially I wanted to use the Easter holiday to go as much to Meetup events as possible, but of course my mother had gotten me sick and now I was stuck at home and then the weather changed. Hopefully tomorrow I can make a small trip. However for this I just wanted to go to a park and read and well, just soak up the atmosphere being among people again. Hopefully without coughing like crazy.

Also not sure I could put the nasal spray onto the recommendation list...

Mmh... despite not really feeling in the mood for it, I went back to Deadlock and yesterday just played a mission of Anabasis. Curious. It seems to be a really bare-bones game mode. For shits and giggles I also did it with the canon BSG experience: Only taking a Jupiter II and a Mercury. I was able to name the Mercury Pegasus, but the game wouldn't let me name the Jupiter Galactica or a variation of that. Boooh!

Also probably a mistake to actually wanting to fight the first battle. After spooling up the FTL, it took me a whole bunch of turns to recall all Vipers and Raptors (shouldn't the Raptors be fine though, they have jump drives!), so I guess the idea is to have them close by all the time so that they can land quickly. Also it's a bit jarring when you watch the show at the same time and notice that Vipers are always landing on Galactica while the flak is still up, with the pilots naturally being capable to just... go around Galactica's engagement zone. Here I was just lucky that more Cylons spawned to my side and I needed to turn my ships anyway while the Vipers arrived. Otherwise I would have been forced to eat even more torpedoes than I already did just to accommodate the stupidity of my pilots...

Okay, maybe I'm just stating the obvious and you guys will have a laugh at me for being late to the party, but after some intense weeks of self-discovery, I'm wondering whether I've figured out a way to become more confident in social interactions.

So the thing is, I spent a lot of time fantasizing about what life I wish for myself and what kind of person I want to be in that life. I saw myself being curious about people, I saw myself listening and supporting them in their struggles, I saw myself doing acts of kindness to them. I saw myself valuing open communication and mutually reciprocating relationships above all else and saw myself in situations emphasizing that openly. I know it may sound weird, but I had to tell myself I am a good person at heart, despite my anxieties and flaws and fears and that people should be able to see that and acknowledge that if I act like that person in my fantasy. And then... realized there is nothing stopping me from acting like this anyway, despite not "being there" mentally yet. Despite all the things weighing me down. And that was when suddenly I felt a small surge in confidence. When I declared "I am now acting as if I was that person", my posture changed, I was able to make eye contact with strangers without flinching away (though still hoping I didn't make them uncomfortable...), I was reflexively interacting with people while shopping for groceries, saying things beyond the bare minimum. Still not much, mind you. And granted, I haven't really done anything of the stuff I set out for the Easter holiday yet. But I feel like I've figured out how I could act once I've manage to push myself out the door.

Also... fair enough. I guess I have the advantage of always being very... functional. I am haunted by my ostracized past and extremely self-conscious of my for my age very problematic home situation I can't really change as of yet. Still got through university and got a technically very socially demanding job as a teacher because I have created a "professional self". My professional self can do what he does because I just love my subjects and I can focus on trying to mentor students on what's important to succeed. However... that doesn't change that I come across as very robotic and fall apart in any purely social interaction where I can't just leverage my professional self. I have just... too much fear to show vulnerability because I'm always thinking people would drop me if they got a glimpse of how much baggage I was constantly carrying around. My reflex therefore was always to put off most of my socializing until I "fixed myself". Taking quite literally the constant advice I am seeing that you can't make friends without loving yourself. I hate myself, so I can't. Not yet. But all I ended up with was even more intense loneliness, because I never learned how to stay in contact with people in Real Life, kept withdrawing and kept treating opportunities to socialize more as social experiments to prove to myself that I still could, notably leaving the interactions with more regrets, awkward failures and at most shallow small-talk.

But now... I... all of a sudden realized that maybe I don't necessarily need to overcome my fears and anxieties. I was always scoffing at the "fake it until you make it" recommendation, but I guess I am now truly seeing what is actually meant with it. Similarly to my professional self, I should create a "social self" and just act out the way I want to act, disassociating my vulnerable, self-conscious, self-hating true self from the equation. Does that make sense? Is it wise to do that? I guess I am worried that I could tire myself out eventually.

Okay, damn. I did end up buying the bundle. Didn't expect to get codes for every single DLC separately instead of the whole thing. I guess I've gotten too cynical due to the way Humble has gotten to treat bundles.

... which means I have now a spare copy of BSG Deadlock. Anyone here wants to frak up some toasters?

On 3/25/2024 at 11:33 PM, Werthead said:

Excellent. The BSG video uploader now seems fully functional. Just a shame it can't handle 4K.

Congrats! Though it still suffers from that damn echo I had been dealing with from the beginning. They must have screwed something up.

Mmh... I am conflicted. I had stopped playing Deadlock for a while and didn't really feel like playing videogames during the last week. But now I am seeing on Fanatical that a "choose your own Bundle" Bundle where you can grab the complete edition and another game for 6.99€: https://www.fanatical.com/en/pick-and-mix/build-your-own-special-editions-bundle

It's... a damn good price. At the time I'm not really sure what other game to pick because they all don't really fit a category I'm eager about. Despite the setting, maybe my Paradox storycrafting bone can get comfortable with Cultist Simulator. Mmh...

3 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

@Toth - look at you coming such a long way! You’re starting to flirt!!

Eh, more like treating another person as a social experiment and fearing that it is being perceived as an attempt at flirting and coming off as creepy, given the context of that just being a network to safely share in the hobby without the thirsty creeps on instagram. Her snapping at me like this kind of proves my worries about that. Not to mention that... well, really, I have to emphasize I don't want anything out these chats aside some practice of the social interaction. At most it would be neat to get a new acquaintance out of that, but even for that I think we are too mutually guarded about our interests/simply have too little in common anyway.. Also... my mind makes a distinction between attractive women that come off as cute or as intimidating and she is very, very much on the intimidating side of things... which is why I assumed why it was so easy for her to get a boyfriend so soon after complaining about being single. XD

Also I really need to point out how awkward and robotic I am in real life. A few months ago I was attending a further education course with other teachers. On the way back home I sat in the train with two other teachers from it, with the guy eventually leaving, so I was left alone in a chat with a younger woman teacher. I had read up about active listening some time before and thought to myself "Fuck it, let's try this!" and obviously hilariously overdid it and ended up interrogating her about a coding club she was offering at her school to the point that she noted "Have I now explained it thoroughly enough?" with a rather sharp displeasure in her tone when I had to get off the train and said my goodbye...

And sorry to hear about yesterday. Also damn, I hope the wine was at least good...

3 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

I can’t believe I killed the thread. Sorry.

I might as well have instead, sharing far too much information for a public place like this just because it was new to me. In any case, I hope the issue with your jaw will be solved quickly and without much annoyance. Sounds pretty scary... To the rest, I am in no position to comment on anything. You know best what you are looking for and what you are valuing in people. We will be happy to hear whatever path you will take!

In the meantime on my end... well, I think I've managed to sort myself out and more or less returned to normal ("normal" levels of severe anxiety aside). I even posted my question on the aforementioned subreddit, unfolding all the thoughts and fantasies going through my head... and interestingly most of the kinky people there actually said that it sounds more like I was blindsided by the open discussions about wants and needs and my craving for intimacy got the better of me, instead of having a kink. Which checks out I guess. I even went through the fantasies I was having during these weird three days and amusingly enough realized that I was pretty much only fantasizing about the negotiations of needs and wants and whenever I tried to picture myself in anything explicit, I just... saw myself being unrelentingly sarcastic about the goofiness of it all, trying to make my imaginary intercourse partner laugh and thus ruining the mood. So no, I guess fantasy is still fantasy and actual cravings are quite probably only in the intimacy department. Still, three days of being "turned on" like a light switch... Fuck me. I guess I have to apologize to a couple of people where I may have been not empathetic enough about their emotions, thinking it should be possible to conquer them. But this intensity was completely new to me and if it had gone for any longer, I'd have considered myself gone raving mad.

Unfortunately I am still quite a long way off of where I can try to seek such intimacy. I'm right now in a tumultuous spot. Finally, after a year of waiting since my application, I am in the process of getting public servant status, with my medical exam being after the Easter holidays. This means if I get it, my pension plan is clear, I can switch to a new insurance and then will finally be able to seek a therapy place without fear of creating monetary road blocks for myself. At the same time, I have started house hunting with my mother, with the idea that once I have a house with a separate annex for her, I can close my door and finally be more or less independent, only doing groceries for her from then on out. Unfortunately so far only one half-decent candidate was visited, but it was barely within my budget and the guest house was far too tiny for my mother. So... I guess this will still take some time and I must admit, it is quite taking a toll on me to endure her presence when there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Anything else I haven't bothered mentioning because I'm never dating anyway? Ah yes maybe you'd find this one amusing... Because I did react to one of her photos today, I feel kind of reminded of a scene a few weeks ago where I guess I finally blew it thanks to my self-centeredness and lack of ability to communicate clearly. On that cosplay discord I have joined a few years ago to network better with fellow nerds before going to conventions, there is this comparably new user my age who is... decidedly out of my league and lives far away, so we aren't attending the same conventions anyway. But she seems bored enough to chat more than most people on there (the discord is quite dead these days...). And I've found myself oddly more... combative than usual with her and have actually tried friendly banter. Not sure whether this is giving me any points or the opposite, but it somehow led to a chat on Valentine's Day, when I was respectfully trying to cheer her up when she was complaining about her single status. Cue a few weeks later when she mentioned in passing having to go out to buy the pill and me thinking to myself "Well, that didn't long!". Then two weeks ago or so she was complaining about the quality of a ready-made cosplay she bought and having to replace quite a few parts with normal clothes. I, again with the banter for some reason, posted a photo of a really garish version that seemed to be made purely out of plastic that I found on the internet and asked her with a blinking smiley whether she got herself one looking like this. I then stupidly thought I'd add my own experience with a ready-made costume I bought last year because self-centered anecdotes still are somehow my go-to-conversation style instead of true active listening and then I said I also prefer a more realistic look and had to switch out the garish stuff with normal clothes. She then snapped back "It is not for you to like it ;)" and I quickly had to walk back and apologize that it was not my intention to make it sound like it's about my preferences and wished her much fun styling it up. She replied "no worries", but I still haven't dared engaging with her since then. I guess I still really have much to learn about how conversation works... Also it was maybe indeed not wise to now put a thumbs-up on a picture of hers, now that I'm considering this... Crap... No way this isn't making me look like a creep...

7 hours ago, JGP said:

Absolute horseshit, but there's economies to bolster for elections all over I guess [rolls eyes]

I also raised my eyebrows at that. Sure, on paper I'm certain switching to a war economy looks like it increases the economy, but if all that new industrial output ends up burning in Ukraine, it then doesn't mean anything in the long run except that you are bleeding money.

2 hours ago, Ser Rodrigo Belmonte II said:

So many Sentinels….not that the people who made this show would understand that    Also is it just me or the idea of a wookie wielding a lightsaber and wearing Jedi robes is goofy as fuck ?( even for Star Wars)

it’s like when I make my Yorkie wear a bday T-shirt, cute but unrealistic lol. Somehow chewie being an engineer is more believable than being a wise Jedi.

*insert sad Lowbacca noises...*

Also weren't the Wookies specifically known for their engineering prowess and that's exactly why they were enslaved by the Empire to help build the Death Star? You are just biased because they don't wear clothes! XD