Theda Baratheon

Oh I am ABSOLUTELY making sure I am one of the voices for my BBC audio piece. They cant just fund me as a writer, F that! where’s the fun !!

Got a known actor attached to my BBC commission oh and the museum I’ve been doing my traineeship at this year like me so much they’re offering me a full time professional role and I’m SO HAPPY

OMG yes. I LOVE it. imagine being Blodeuwedd and you get conjured into wonderful life through flowers and nature only to find out your ONLY purpose in life is to be married to a fella SO DULL that he ACTUALLY tells you in MINUTE detail how he can SPECIFICALLY be killed just because you ask nicely...can’t believe he then has the AUDACITY to be upset by a light spot of ATTEMPTED murder...

I’m really frustrated because I know I could be attractive if I put more effort into looking after my physical and mental health more. People are nice about my appearance but friends have to be. I was doing SO well in 2019, by autumn last year I was genuinely right at the cusp of goal weight, getting fitter all the time. Felt so much healthier mentally and physically and even had a couple people take a vague interest and then 2020 has happened and it feels like everything has been ruined. I’m not desolate because I know I can get back to where I was eventually and I’ve also done a lot of cool big life things to be proud of. In many ways my life is pretty good. But I worry that basically having no sexual or romantic experience in my whole 20s is going to negatively effect me. Like when I finally get around to being in a good place and genuinely ready to give it a go I’m not going to know what the fuck to do I think 26 is a write off for me. 27 is going to take a lot of work so I’m thinking 28 will be my year, bring on 2022 lmao. But then...people are going to wonder why a 28 year old woman is hopeless!!! Hate the stereotype of women finding dating easier and having more options. Not in rural bloody Cornwall you don’t :|

My dumbass careless self has ensured I now have a fckn ALLERGY TO THE SUN that although will clear up in a few weeks might come back annually. I live in a beachy holiday part of the UK. Great. The sun is now my enemy. Hahah ahahah. WEAR SUN CREAM KIDS!!!! this could have been AVOIDED.

11.59 so actually I only had ONE minute to spare lmfao absokutely cannot sleep now even though it’s 1.20 am and I have work tomorrow but hopefully tomorrow I’ll begin to unwind

Well I’m a mad bastard I submitted it with 2 minutes to spare and now I feel sick LOL I guess the waiting game begins

Decided not to go. Feel so relieved. Actually feel a lot better today? Even though there’s so much work to do. I know that I’ve been doing the reading and the researching and the thinking for months. It’s just the process of turning all my notes and word vomit into an actually well written cohesive essay. i also strongly suspect that I have ADHD and probably should have tried to get have diagnosed a long time ago. Funny enough, think I will try after this is over ive passed everything else in this masters so if I completely fail this dissertation I think I will still end up with a PGDIP. But that’s defeatist lol. I actually have been doing the work for this, maybe not as much as I should or as consistently as I should and COVID has made the whole process so much more difficult in ways I hadn’t even registered until very recently like just going to a library. I do my best work just sitting in a library with no distractions. so I’m telling myself even if I completely fail it won’t be the end of the world, but I WONT fail...because the feeling of relief and achievement if I actually end up passing this will be incredible and I don’t want to miss out on that.

I have to go on a trip to a couple museums tomorrow and honestly I am really considering not going. It won’t be useful, I doubt I need it to help my career, it’s just to meet up with a couple of the other trainee curators (2 won’t be there) and see their exhibitions and I want to go and support them but also will be hyper aware of the fact that it’s a huge chunk of my day gone when I should or could be writing instead. I mean I can double down on the evening instead considering I took Tuesday off as holiday from work so I could crack on but still. Going back and forth. I look hideous atm - don’t know if some social interaction will actually really help or hinder me lmfao.

15000 words with 10% either way. at present I have about 25-30. Not a lot at all but there just isn’t many contemporary sources. But I know I need a lot more which is stressing me out too. I currently have about 12-13k it really rough words and random ideas.

I think that asking for an extension might be a little too late now and I know the way my brain works - I kind of just want this shit show to be over lol. Sorry for my total meltdown. I am really tired and a bit sleep deprived. thank you. I was really not in a good place earlier. Feeling a bit better now, calmed down a little. It’s going to get done, fuck it. It won’t be groundbreaking research but I’m hoping for a bare minimum pass and I’ll be THRILLED. I just worry I don’t have a massive amount of sources (from there simply being a huge number of sources on this particular topic) and that I have a lot of word vomit but no real direction because I changed my research a billion times lol. Fuck it. It will happen.

Have until Wednesday to do my dissertation, at present I have 12k words of WORD VOMIT I haven’t been able to work the last week severe sunburn headaches tired low energy I’m not sleeping I’ve ruined my scalp from all the stress scratching I can’t ever concentrate I haven’t slept properly in ages I keep getting sleep paralysis I am TIRED I have NO ENERGY I’m FREAKING OUT

Just had a bout of sleep paralysis and even though it has a scientific rational explanation I can never really sleep or settle afterwards so I put the light on as soon as I felt comfortable enough and able to move and now I’m just lying awake in bed knowing I won’t sleep till it’s light outside. Getting really disrupted sleep lately. Think I need to go on a major phone detox or something. Pissed off because I only have a few more days to do my dissertation.

Oh don’t worry I’m DEFINITELY making sure I’m one of the voices! so it hasn’t been ignored!

Woohoo! I’ve been commissioned by the BBC (supported by BBC Arts and Arts Council England) to create a short piece of audio. I was shortlisted in the New Creatives programme and now I’ve been commissioned - so excited !!