Well, if we're gonna do QB rankings -and Jace has already saved the hospital like 5 grand today- then let's do them:
For the purposes of these rankings, consider them to be 'who would I take THIS YEAR with next year a SECONDARY but relevant consideration.
Tier 1- FRANCHISE QB'S. >>>> These are the dudes you trade for NOTHING. It doesn't matter what the offer is, if it's not one of the other 3 dudes on this list+ the entire roster you hang up the phone.
Aaron Rodgers: This is the Man's Men of men. He's also the Womens' men of Men. Because women would fuck this dude every day if they enjoy the D.
Thomas Brady: The GOAT. It's like 'well, this dude may not have all the ELASTICITY or raw enthusiasm of a slightly younger QB', but who exactly do you think is going to make your eyes roll back into your head harder?
Russell Wilson: Sure, he'll parrot talking points during coitus. But he's also a pretty good bet to ring the bell at least once, maybe more.
Drew Breesus: Such a fucking boy scout. There's attraction in that, I suppose.
Tier 2- GOOD QB's>>> Not much more you can ask for. You do not look these players in the mouth, you just try to assemble a team of warriors around them and thank the Gods.
Phillip Rivers: I am annoyed no more frequently by such a moderate talent as Phillip Rivers. He's good, he's almost great. He is not a Hall of Famer.
Cam Newton: Jace loves Cam. She just wishes his arm was a bit more consistent. His placement this high is more about his OVERALL talents.
Matt Ryan: He's pretty good. He is NOT great. That SB loss was NOT his fault. He did NOT save his team from Tom Brady.
Ben Rapeburger: Jace hates this man. He's real good though, most times. He does not, HOWEVER, put his team on his back in a positive manner.
Matt Stafford: Let me be clear. Don't get it twisted. Matt Stafford is the lowest version of a good QB LISTED.
Tier 3- Acceptable QB's>>> Hey, they're good! You should be happy you have him. That said. Paying him above market price may not be the droid you're looking for.
Kirk Cousins: He can win a SB with an EXCEPTIONAL cast around him. That does not make him EXCEPTIONAL.
Carson Wentz: Jace likes Wentz. But it's one season removed from people being weirded out by the tape he put on in the last 10 weeks of the 2016 season.
Tier 4- Undetermined QB's>>> People seem in a hurry to crown him or bury him, but if you have a brain you're holding off for the moment.
Alex Smith: Jace is an Alex Smith fan. She thinks that if the coach knows what to ask for, then Smith can deliver appropriately.
Deshaun Watson: Those 7 games were pretty great, and Jace has been a believer since the outset. But major injuries and all, let's give it a 16 game schedule before we call him a top-10 product.
Andrew Luck: He's proven exactly enough to be on this list instead of Jacoby Brisket. I can't trust the man's health, and if I'm being unbiased his play has been elevatory but not ascendant.
Dak Prescott: Yes, that first year was inordinately influenced by having the time to do his taxes before each pass. But despite the upcoming lack of a #1 (or #2, really) WR, Jace is a believer in Dak,
Tier 5- Whatever QB's>>> Jace was going to call this a different title, but she was influenced by the fact that a lot of people see some of these guys as THE ANSWER.
Marcus Mariota: Jace likes him. He's got skillz, he's also probably been pretty awfully coached. Expectations need to be managed in the face of the laughable Tennessee coaching staff. Is this a product of Mularkey?
Sam Bradford: For all 3 games he'll be available you can count on Bradford to set a new league record for completion percentage within 3 yards of the Line of Scrimmage.
Jared Goff: It's very, VERY, likely that his relative success is a product of coaching and superior surrounding talent, but the physical traits are there, at least.
Tyrod Taylor: Jace loves her Tyrod. He's fast. He's got a strong arm. He can move an offense if it isn't coached by 2013 Gregg Roman. She accepts that doesn't make him GOOD though.
Jimmy G: Like 5 good games or something where the scheme had dudes running wide open and he barely surmounted INT's with TD's. Let's see where it goes.
Patrick Mahomes: Hopefully he's good, we just have almost 0 data.
Case Keenum: There are people who believe, there are those who do not. Regardless, a long career awaits this man as either a Favre clone or a viable backup.
Tier 6- Replaceable QB's>>> Jace acknowledges that there will be places in this tier where people -incorrectly- believe they HAVE an answer, but they probably don't.
Jaemis Winston: This is pretty self explanatory. He's almost certainly a rapey motherfucker, he turns the ball over constantly, no one likes him.
Derek Carr: People overreacted to ONE good season in an age where any QB can give a 5000 yard performance in any given year and it means nothing.
Tier 7- Replace this man>>> These are dudes who ain't never gonna make it no matter what. If you think otherwise then you just dumb.
Mitch Trubitski: Fuck this dude. John Fox or no, he was just offensive to the eyes. Never before has Jace seen a man so quickly dismiss his down-field option to overthrow a checkdown.
Eli Manning: SUCKS
Joe Flacco: IS TERRIBLE
Andy Dalton: Where exactly is this bus headed? Is that a river?
Nate Peterman/Josh Allen:Buffalo. No one cares, there is no reason to care.
Ryan Tannehill: No.
Josh McCown: Replaced by Sam 'Turnover' Darnold?
Tier 8-Give Up>>> Just no.
Blake Bortles: Just no.