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Count Balerion

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Everything posted by Count Balerion

  1. Ramsay B has the world's largest collection of Fisher Price people in the world. He spends hours each day peeling them -- or, as he likes to put it, "flaying" them. Fisher Price are just happy to have the sales; they aren't fussed as to what he actually does w/ them -- up to and including rolling them downstairs, running after them (which he calls "hunting"), and flaying.
  2. Tywin et al. have been dressing up as Trump (I believe they now call it "cosplaying"), sneaking into the White House, and waiting to see how long it takes them to get caught and thrown out. The trouble is, since they're sane [that bit isn't a lie!], they never last long before being found out. SAD. The good news is that while in prison for impersonating the president, they have had time to work on their magnum opus, HANDSTANDING FOR DUMMIES.
  3. Threat of force indeed. You see, KOA actually *is* Donald Trump, and he has been threatening HC with "something very, very, very bad" if he doesn't confess that Bugs isn't a bird. He's "gonna bomb Vermont into outer space" if HC doesn't stop subscribing to this "fake news" theory. He's apparently under the impression that Vermont is a foreign country. Or is he?
  4. Here. When I find out what to do, I'll do it. I assume we take random collections of letters and turn them into deaths. Or fates, anyway. Hee hee. (I want Chad Summerchild to sit the Iron Throne; but guess he doesn't quite count as a GOT character -- although he should!)
  5. HC has a pet lizard to whom he feeds both tequila AND pina colada, in the hopes of turning it into a dragon. Progress is slow, but sure.
  6. Tywin et al. have a phobia of being killed by dwarfs, defined as "people below 7 feet tall". He -- or they -- carry a measuring tape with them and are always checking random people to ensure that they be no shorter than 7 feet; if they are, he immediately reports them to police. This marks an improvement over the days when he/they used to pull their heads upwards in an effort to make them taller than 7 feet.
  7. Forget almost literally. Beans really do come out of HC's ears, at a rate of 27.8132 beans a second. It's kind of annoying, and his family are always complaining about it, even though selling these beans to restaurants and the like is their livelihood. It does cut down on space, though -- especially since these beans grow about two metres per day. HC's physicians are baffled.
  8. Jez B has certain oddities. She is in the habit of wearing a mask and going up to random people and saying cryptic things like "In order to go west, you must take the bus to the Red Line" or "Beware the Waltzing Wookiee in the Polka-Dotted Shirt, the Calliginous Catfish in Calico, and the Narcoleptic Nattering Nuttering Narguileh with the Necktie. Oh, and the Popsicle Panda of Pain". In this persona, she takes on the name of Jaithze.
  9. RB has been trying for years to open a restaurant sspecialising in Spicy Singer Stew and Jumbo Jojen Paste. So far, no takers.
  10. KOA is engaged in a scientific project to regalvanise glyptodont fossils and turn them into an army of doom wherewith to conquer the world. His sole purpose for world conquest is to be able to force GRRM to finish the books with an ending in which Jon Snorkgaryen rides a unicorn.
  11. They say that Joffrey is a jerk, watches Meryn hit San with a smirk. No one heedeth his wisdom, and Tyrion dissed him, and murther at banquet doth lurk.
  12. Tywin et al. are engaged in a bitter civil war over whether to support the Exalted Brown Slug or the Undead Platypus in the 2020 elections. Why not compromise and elect both?
  13. KOA is also poised to address the nation -- on the theory that Stormy Daniels is Azor Ahai and the true heir to the IT. In the video, which lasts five and a half hours, KOA will expound in detail the argument for this theory, which entails a quantitative analysis of the number of times GRRM uses the phrase "much and more" in his opus. And yes, I'd rather watch that that than Trump, too.
  14. Whenever she has a job interview, Jez answers all questions with "I am the incinerator of souls, and you are trash!" This actually worked fairly well at her last interview (for an HR position, natch).
  15. HC, on the other wing, wasn't a baby at all. He was hatched of a witch's cauldron gone horribly wrong. I think she put too much oregano.
  16. The Basilissa keeps a petting zoo for basilisks on the Basilisk Islands. They're actually quite cute.
  17. Joey Crows is going to shut down the government if he can't get the dough to build a wall around himself to keep out the revoting human infestation. That's a tad extreme.
  18. HC has an artistic vocation. He takes the dots and dashes of Morse code, and turns them into somewhat abstract portraits of Dolores Umbrage. He's actually exhibited these at several museums. (Although many don't find the portraits weird enough. "Couldn't you at least do something revolting with these and make a video of it?" pleaded one curator.)
  19. Shocking revelation! KoA is Ivanka Trump's lovechild, abandoned on the front step of the HQ of the Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality! [That party apparently actually exists. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Citizens_for_Undead_Rights_and_Equality. Whoah, I sound excited.]
  20. RB has been having trouble getting a permit to open up a restaurant devoted to all anthropophagy. the restaurant's name is to be Bloomin' Humans. He can't understand what the issue is. If it's good enough for Tyrion and Wyman, surely it ought to be good enough for the gummint?
  21. Jez B is working on a video where she proves it wasn't the Russians who interfered in the 2016 election, but Valyria, with its infamous hacker dragons. Seems reasonable. The Internet certainly does have a lot of hot air.
  22. The reason I don't have a nose is that my eye swallowed it, like an abysm.
  23. Joy Hill is ... well, I can't say the President's hairdresser, as that would be a lie. Hairmaker would be more accurate. She uses papier mache, and the result is almost realistic! She paints it, too.
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