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Dating 8: I'm drinking a glass of Act Right


Lily Valley

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But that can't be true, there is always someone more attractive no matter who you are.

But you're not with someone because of one aspect of them, you're with them for the whole package, and LITA can say that she's got that.

Attractiveness is highly subjective and made up of more than just physical beauty. Even if that were not the case, I don't see why someone could not state, honestly, that X is the most attractive/beautiful person. The statement doesn't have to be objectively true to be heartfelt.

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But that can't be true, there is always someone more attractive no matter who you are.

But you're not with someone because of one aspect of them, you're with them for the whole package, and LITA can say that she's got that.

This is an awful answer. It's telling them they're unattractive.

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You guys read LITA's reply way differently than I did. There are two ways to read "right now," and the difference would be obvious only in inflection, not in print. I read it one way, you've all read it the other

Ini, I read "right now" = "being with you" and thought it was romantic.

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Telling them that they are most beautiful person in the world is freaking needy. Asking to hear it is even more needy. Don't do it.


What I say to women who are attractive to me is that they are definitely in top percentile in the city. One recently challenged me saying that the city isn't that big and women here aren't all that beautiful generally. We're both eastern european so realistically we both know both our standards are much higher than western. I just laughed at that and said let's go back to eastern europe and I'll let you know which percentile you're in there. This was a nice playful way to get out of a topic like that. On one hand I honestly let her know that she's gorgeous in this environment, on the other hand I also let her know that she should continue to make effort to look that beautiful, because there is always that high standard to go against.



Re: insecurity - yes, it's normal to be a little insecure, but it needs to be a positive factor, not negative. Insecure positive means comparing yourself to others and striving to improve. Insecure negative means comparing yourself to others and being mad about it, being jealous or self destructive.


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I've received some wonderful advice in this thread. I really appreciate it. A little backstory for you all. The lady was one of the unfortunate millions who grew up without her father and obviously, her mother resented men for that.

I can relate to growing up without a father but her mom and my mom had rationally different views on few subject. She was taught that men weren't worth shit and would only hurt her in the end. My mom taught me that people are individuals and that you can hold a grudge against those individuals but never the entire lot of women.

The lady had one serious relationship in college that lasted just under two years. It ended because he "wanted a break" and she felt like this meant he wanted to test other waters. She, of course, used this to confirm what her mother taught her about men. Fast forward two years later and those insecurities were left unchecked.

In June or July, a couple of things happened between us that drove me of wanting to end things. She told me that if I was going to break up with her, to at least do it through a call because her ex did it through a text and that contributed to the hurt. I understood this and I abided by her request.

I kid you not when I tell you the lady begged me not to do it once I told her it was over. I felt bad inside but I, at least for the duration of the phone call, stuck by my guns. Once we got off the phone, though, I couldn't deal with the thought of not being with her anymore so I told her that I couldn't go through with it, so our "break up" lasted a half hour, if we're being quite liberal.

Another situation happened in maybe late September or Early October. Early in our relationship, I lied to her about when I graduated high school. I told her I came out with my graduating class, when in reality I graduated three years later. This is one of my embarrassing secrets, one reason being that by my nature I abhor any amount of lying, making me a huge hypocrite. The other reason is, well, I graduated at 21 and what prideful young guy would want his good woman knowing that if she had no way to find the truth?

Me being who I am, I decided that if I truly loved her, I'd come clean about what I had done, and I did just that. I apologized for lying and I explained to her the truth, that it was about my pride and that it wasn't about her at all. Initially, she was very supportive and let me believe all was well, despite my attempts to gauge an alternative reaction.

A week later, "I can't believe you lied to me. I was finally starting to trust you." And we're back to the same shit. I actually got really pissed off and told her doing that was bullshit because when I kept trying to get her to tell me how my lying really made her feel, all I got was "I'm a little upset that you lied, but I understand why you did it so I'm not angry."

We fought over that, only verbally of course, and eventually we worked it out, or so I thought.

Last night she told me the reason for her question was because she wanted to let me know "she won't put up with anything and everything just to be with me." When I asked her where that was even coming from, she cited the whole begging thing from months ago. And now here we are at square one.

I feel like to be with her, I'm gonna have to accept the fact that no amount of love is going to undo her massive amount of insecurity and all I can do is love her the best I can. I can do this and I will because I want to be with her, but I would be a liar if I said she doesn't piss me off at times.

Two or three times a month she asks me if I'm with her because I pity her. Then I get hit with the "never being able to get over my insecurities" shit. This relationship is a true test of my will, that's for damn sure.

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