MinDonner Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 The combination of The Mad Moose's QotD and MinDonner's fanfics of Terry Goodkind writing other books will be the doom of Goodkindian Objectivism. It's just a historical necessity. I'm wondering now how a Richard Morgan's Takeshi Kovacs novel writen by MinDonner while she is channeling Goodkind would look like. Alas, Richard Morgan and I remain unacquainted, otherwise I'd be happy to oblige. I'll be scouring the bookcase this weekend for more authors to yeardify though, so watch this space... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crates of Thebes Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Ladies and Germs, hold onto your heats for the blasphemous thrill-ride that is: The Lord of The Things ...His fell horse cast a shadow of the underworld darker than darkness can generate simply with the absence of light, which is dark... Gandalf felt the dark power of the Nazgul emanating from the sky above them, and he swore to himself, "Bags!" He knew the Nazgul and this emissary would be masters of subtractive magic, while he himself could only master the additive powers of sorcery... The emissary looked at them haughtily from beneath his black helm, which was carved into the shape of a hideous monster too hideous to actually describe... Hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Ladies and Germs, hold onto your heats for the blasphemous thrill-ride that is: The Lord of The Things That effete intellectual Tolkien must be ready to rise from the grave to avenge such desecration. MinDonner -- it's addictive like fresh Oakland rock. Just like all those Reagan anti-drug adverts said, one hit off the Yeardization pipe, and you're hooked for life. Soon, we'll be turning tricks on street corners for money to buy more books at the Goodwill to Yeardify in our spare time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maid Sansa Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Here's an alcohol beverage of choice to MinDonner, Xray and Teh Stranger. Tremble in your beds, blasphemous souls, for TG (BBHN) is coming with his Yeard of Truth to strangle you in your sleep.... or just give a speech and bore you to death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Here's an alcohol beverage of choice to MinDonner, Xray and Teh Stranger. Tremble in your beds, blasphemous souls, for TG (BBHN) is coming with his Yeard of Truth to strangle you in your sleep.... or just give a speech and bore you to death. I'd laugh, but you know that Nasrudin's __________ (insert clever object here) predicted that I would be killed by a vengeful Terry Goodkind (BBHN) because my favorite sea creature is the peacock mantis shrimp. I tremble! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
一方通行 Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 ahhh not the coultergeist!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sad King Billy Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 That comic is fantastic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Werthead Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Behold: The Richariad At long last the much larger, much better-supplied and better-led army of evil had been shattered by the tiny, ineptly-led forces of good, simply because they had righteousness on their side. Dick Garion, Lord of the West, finally sheathed the Sword of T'Ruth, knowing the enemy had been decisively defeated. Belgar Zedd, Dick's mentor (and substitute father figure after his father had died but in fact it had been his stepfather and his real father had been more latterly revealed to be the evil sorceror Dickless Rahl, but that is another, equally best-selling story), approached, a slight limp in his step. "Grandfather!" Dick affectionately cried. "You missed the fight!" "Aye, my boy. The enemy waylaid me with an army of invisible monkey-demon-lizards, which I had to despatch before coming hither. And look who I found on the way!" Dick was speechless as Belgar moved to one side, revealing the dimunitive but still shit-hot figure of Dick's wife, Kal'Nedra. "Oh, Kal! I thought that the Emperor had done something unspeakable to you!" "Oh, Dick! I would surely have faltered had not thoughts of you kept me going, and randy!" <snip!> "...and thus only the intervention of Betty save me from the invisilble monkey-demon-lizards!" Belgar finished with a flourish. Betty wagged her tail and Dick laughed, Belgar laughed, all the men laughed. Kal'Nedra tried to laugh but the fact that Dick wasn't paying attention to her for all of seven seconds made her angry. Her eyes fell on Betty, promising swift and terrible vengeance. The goat seemed cowed. "Oh Dick! I am so happy!" The Liferock-Thing Deus the Ex-Machina floated along, taking her preferred form of a young, possibly seven-year-old girl. "The world is safe once more! All humanity sings your praises!" Dick nodded. All was it should be once more. "And I do love you, Dick!" Deus giggled in that irritating way that encouraged skim-reading. Dick's eyes narrowed, and his toecap caught the sentient, plot-demolishing rock under her chin, lifting her in the air and depositing her in the bloody heap fifty feet away. "Love is for the weak! It blinds you to the Truth! So, aye, take your earthly pleasures where you will, but never let them blind you to the threats that face you on all sides!" Thus Dick laughed anew, and all his friends laughed as well, and even Deus laughed bloodily. "Silk, approach!" boomed the Lord of the West in a manly tone. The former thief-turned-life-affirming hero approached, his armour still stained from where he had single-handedly crawled through the sewers into the enemy stronghold and, alone and outnumbered, lowered the gates for the Army of the Right to enter. "Silk, for all of your life you have been a thief and a coward, standing in the way of lawfulness and living in the gutter!" Silk nodded guiltily. "But that was before you shone the light of righteousness into my life, Lord Garion! Just being near you made me realise my life was essentially worthless unless I dedicated it to following you around unquestioningly and fulfilling your batshit insane orders no matter how implausible the result!" "This news gladdens my heart, Silk!" Garion proclaimed, turning his noble visage so it presented an attractive profile when viewed against the setting sun, with the screams of the wounded still sounding in the background. "But despite your quest for redemption, nevertheless I know that in your heart still beats the soul of a craven! I have no alternative!" And Dick swung, the Sword of T'Ruth leaping out of his scabbard and into his hand as he spun round and took Silk's head off with a single blow of his manly strength. "It is not enough to seek the path of righteousness!" bellowed the Lord of the West. "You must be right in your heart! You must be noble and true! You must be always correct! Shades of grey, hidden depths and convincing character development will have no place in my kingdom!" Thus begun the reign of Dick Garion, King and Overlord of the West. Long may it continue and bring in vast royalties to the talently bereft! (this would have been better but unfortunately/fortunately it's been about nine years since I last tried to read The Belgariad/Malloreon ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 you know, it makes Eddings better. (we really wanna know: Does Richard have sex with a cat?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Werthead, no emoticon can fully express how much I loved that bit. you know, it makes Eddings better. (we really wanna know: Does Richard have sex with a cat?) ...Richard has sex with a cat? *dies at the thought* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 ...Richard has sex with a cat? *dies at the thought* No kidding...I'd've thought he'd be more into kicking the shit out of said cat when his *thing* rose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Stranger Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 (as originally found in The Lord Of The Things: The Fellowship of The Thing) Gandalf sat by the fire, smoking his pipe and looking at Frodo the hobbit, who also sat by the fire but was not smoking a pipe. Gandalf liked the way this hobbit didn't allow knowledge of Elvish to sway his mind away from objective, human truths, as that tired and hollow language had done to his uncle Bilbo. Gandalf's piercing blue eyes watched with fear as Bilbo held the One Ring in his grasp, though the little hobbit did not know yet how deadly the danger to him was from that cursed plain golden ring. "That is the One Ring of Sauron, forged in the depths of Mordor, emblem of the one circle in which he hopes to trap all of humanity, a world devoid of choice, of freedom, of man's right to do anything unique or challenging of the Order that will be the rule of Sauron. It also contains part of his soul, and with it his power is greatly magnified." Frodo looked at the ring which was not a ring with horror, and all focus left his mind. "Gandalf, I will do whatever you ask, but please, let us destroy this evil thing!" Gandalf's Thing (Narya, the Thing of Fire) rose, and he kicked Frodo hard in the face. Little hobbit teeth rolled around on the floor, but he could tell from the light in Frodo's eyes that his well-placed kick had shocked the Hobbit back into noble clarity. "Bags, Baggins! We cannot destroy an object of this much power! Destroying a ring this powerful is tantamount to choosing death over life! Of succumbing to fear itself in the face of bold independence!" Through additive magic, Gandalf made his pipe smoke turn a heroic, piercing shade of blue. "No, the problem here isn't the Ring--it's Sauron. We need to find a way to defeat him utterly, and thus create a world in which mankind has the freedom to choose to use this artifact of pure evil without risking the loss of free will which is currently attached to it." "How will we kill Sauron? Isn't he protected by legions of blue eyed D'Haran orcs? And screelings Ringwraiths?" Gandalf felt a bit sore from kicking the dense-headed halfling, but he knew this was no time for his will to falter: this hobbit had to know what they were fighting for. "We will take the Ring to Elronddicus E'el Elronder. He will know how we must proceed." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Teh Stranger -- you have made a Randian out of me. :bow: godDAMN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Stranger Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 wait till you see what I have planned for the Balrog :cool: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jagged Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 So when is Richard going too meet his ultimate enemy who just happens to have the Sword Of Lies in the final battle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VigoTheCarpathian Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Here is the intro to my new fan-fic, tenatively titled "A Clockwork Truth": The camp was quiet: all glazzies were on Lord Rahl as he addressed his select banda of warriors before the nochy's raid. "Using our knowledge of the truth, coupled with our mastery of moral clarity, we have managed to penetrate far into Imperial Soviet territory. I have not govoreeted you the object of our mission so far, but now I shall reveal it to you. We come to destroy vital resources of the soviet, and end the tyranny that they seek to inflict on our lewdies." He paused and smottied to Verna. She haughtily smottied down her morder at him, in the haughtiest manner. Razrezzes formed, and rolled down her cheeks. Ever since Warren snuffing it, the shest she kept around her hard heart slowly was cracking. Kahlan put a rook on her pletcho and whispered in her ooko. Verna was a klootch lomtick of Lord Rahl's vareet, and he needed her to be dobby, and her rassoodock to be dobby as horrorshow. "We will inflict pain and suffering on these most hateful of hatred-filled communist pimps. We will match their ultra-violence with our own, and our raging rookers will buffet them into submission." His followers all nodded, and Zedd nachinatted to privodeet them in their chant. "Master Rahl guide us. Master Rahl teach us. Master Rahl chasso us. In your light we thrive. In your mercy we are sheltered. In your wisdom we are humbled. We live only to serve. Our jeeznies are yours." ****************************************** Richard spotted the domy-like building, using his keen Seeker's gaze. "The shadows of the illusion of choice inherent in this society.." he nachinatted, and Kahlan bared her groodies to prevent Lord Rahl's diatribe from becoming overly long. Gazing longingly at her plott, he decided that he wanted to have truthful pol with his cheena, after this nochy's mission was accomplished. ****************************************** The building was a training ground for ideals that Richard hated with all of his broad and sammy heart. It must be destroyed for anyone to have a choice. He and his followers rushed in. The cold empty gaze of hundreds of malenky children met him as they ran into the room. A malenky, knobby chelloveck with a disfigured plott was explaining to the class about the importance of sharing. Richard drew his britva, raging beyond rage at the poison that had seeped like death into the ookoes of these useless nazzes. "Let no jaw itty unkicked, chellovecks!" he creeched nobly. The Britva of Truth swept through the air as the starry chelloveck shrieked as his gloopy gulliver exploded with fury. The mindless zombie children tried to run and spread the disease of their ideals. The doors to the skolliwoll-that-was-not-a-skolliwoll were barred, and the zvook of malenky bones breaking lasted for what seemed to Richard to be not long enough, by several hours at least. ****************************************** Kahlan smottied into his glazzies at the campfire, her glazzies smoldering like the embers of the fire, which were smoldering as horrorshow. It was obvious to Richard that he was ittying to be engaging in the old in-out, in-out this nochy. Zedd smottied at Richard and govoreeted "Wizard's Last Rule: Dispensing justice is the best way to turn on a cheena." Richard, smottovat brooding and introspective govoreeted "Plus, it's the only way I can get hard." Zedd smecked, Betty the goat smecked, and the whole camp smecked together. Except Richard, who was horning inside, because no odin believed him, and the truth that he had shared had fallen on deaf ookoes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sariel Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Xray - your TG / Vellum fanfic was great .. Though I fear Mr. Duncan will swallow his tounge if he ever reads it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walpurgisborn Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Beaut Vigo 'cept you missed: Lord Rahl smecked, Zeddy smecked, and all the little droogies went smecky-smeck, real horrorshow- like. No wait, I see you had it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 I am choking with laughter over Clockwork Truthiness. That's so awesome. (Next up: Yeardified 1984 will make our heads 'splode with all kinds of cognitive dissonance and irony overload.) Sariel -- he'll probably sic his ninjas on me. I chose that first excerpt precisely for the last line (Soldiers of the Empire -- for the uninitiated, I did not make that line up. Nor did I make up the "analysis." That line appears two pages after the first. Scary how close it all fit, eh? Coincidence?!) and, to be honest, I only slightly hijacked the words. Beaut Vigo 'cept you missed: Lord Rahl smecked, Zeddy smecked, and all the little droogies went smecky-smeck, real horrorshow- like. No wait, I see you had it. *dies* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 So when is Richard going too meet his ultimate enemy who just happens to have the Sword Of Lies in the final battle. Oh man! What a concept! How has TG not incorporated a "Sword of Lies" into his story? Really? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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