Jaxom 1974 Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I think I've seen that "Richard is right" essay before...but those reviews, Wert, where'd you track those down? I didn't think things like that were allowed on the 'net any more.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Werthead Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 They were on the Wiki page (briefly) as part of the whole Goodkind craziness over there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 That was indeed amusing...I picked a little something from Goodkind's live chats: (on TG not being a fantasy writer) It is the defining characteristic, upon which other characteristics depend, that properly distinguishes a thing's identity. This is called the rule of fundamentality. I must say I'm a little confoosed. I thought a thing's identity was properly distinguished on whether it was rising or not. I like that. So, if we took away the "fundamental" content of the Nobility of the Human Spirit, would SoT be a different story? Or would it just have fewer speeches? What if we took out the "non-fundamental" content of the fantasy elements? If Goodkind is right, the story would still be the same, as fantasy is not essential to illustrate his moral clarity. Let's see... The Sword of Truth (non-fantasy version) "I'm sorry sir, but you can't take that sword on board. Please put it in the box with all the other corkscrews and nail scissors." "What?!" bellowed Richard. "But I have to go to the Midlands and save the people from their evil dictator! I am the Seeker of Truth!" "You're a bloody nutter is what you are. If you don't leave the sword behind, you're not coming through." "Never fear! I shall summon my red dragon Scarlet, and she will carry me! SCARLET!" There was a swoosh of wings. "Scarlet want a cracker!" said Scarlet, and nibbled at a sunflower seed on Richard's shoulder. Richard rather sheepishly handed over his sword and boarded the plane to Birmingham. ********************* Richard took up his position outside Selfridges and began his speech. "People of the Midlands!" he cried, "You are being oppressed! Join me and we will overthrow the evil dictator who oppresses you!" A few shoppers paused and shot him irritated glances. His humble woodsman's outfit looked out of place in this bustling hive of commerce, but he had passed a shop selling war wizard outfits earlier on, and thought that might suit him - he'd pop back later and see if they'd accept Westlands money. He had hoped to win the allegiances of these people by teaching them to fix their roofs, but it seemed they already knew how to do that. Now he was short of cash - his grandfather had paid for his journey but had given him no funds for support, and no instructions on how to get back again. Later he'd have to find a forest and hunt for some game, but hopefully he wouldn't have to - once the people heard his message, they'd take him in and give him free food and lodging out of gratitude for his moral clarity. He tried again. "Noble Midlanders! There is nothing greater than the spirit of a man! Live your life, be free! Moral celery is your only hope! Freedom is the right of all individuals! Life is freedom! Life is for individuals! Individuals are free! Celery for all!To be less than free is to be a slave, and to be a slave is to deny freedom! Free the slaves! Live the dream! Free to live life indivually like a free celery goat gargle bargle rhubarb..." His words trailed off as he saw a beautiful woman approach. Her dress was long and white, and her hair came down to her waist. A name-tag attached to her bosom declared her to be "Kahlan Amnell - Security". Her eyes rose to meet his, then words issued forth in the harsh Midlands accent. "You'll have to move along or we'll have you ejected. Several customers have now come in looking for the free celery that you're advertising. Please set up your stall somewhere else." She glared at him until he moved away. Dejected, Richard made his way out of the shopping centre. A small girl nearby said loudly "Mummy, why does that man smell?". Richard's thing rose in him and he turned, kicking the child in the jaw. *********************** Richard's companion in the jail cell was a large, burly, muscular man covered in tattoos. His bulging muscles rippled as he flexed his muscular, tattooed arms. "Right, pretty boy, it's your lucky day" said the man. Richard wasn't worried, though, as rape was just an exciting thing that happened to women, and they enjoyed it really, and the good girls always got rescued at the last minute after some titillating nakedness and foreplay. Besides, his sword used to belong to some good fighters so he must have picked up some skills from that, right? Right? And here we draw a veil over the scene, leaving Richard to his well-deserved fate. **************** Sword of Truth without the fantasy elements is like The Sopranos without gangsters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Werthead Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 So, if Westlands = USA and Midlands = UK does that make Jagang's evil empire of insanity Europe? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theMountainGoat Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 The Sword of Truth (non-fantasy version) Sword of Truth without the fantasy elements is like The Sopranos without gangsters. Bravo! Encore! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crannogman Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I've never in my life laughed so hard at a child getting kicked in the jaw. I wonder whether that should worry me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agulla Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 It's been a long time since I posted a parody. It's time for a new blasphemy, a new insult to literature: Terry Goodkind meets Cervantes in: Don Ricardo de la Mancha. The War Wizard of the Sad Countenance. (An adaptation from an English translation) The story so far: Don Terry a Castillian small nobleman has lost his senses reading so much fantasy books and has convinced himself that he is a war wizard. His family and friends are worried and decide to take stern measures with the culprit: Don Terry's well stocked library. CHAPTER VI. OF THE DIVERTING AND IMPORTANT SCRUTINY WHICH THE CURATE AND THE BARBER MADE IN THE LIBRARY OF OUR INGENIOUS WAR WIZARD They all went in, the housekeeper with them, and found more than a hundred volumes of big books very well bound and some other small ones. The Curate directed the barber to give him the books one by one to see what they were about, as there might be some to be found among them that did not deserve the penalty of fire. "No," said the niece, "there is no reason for showing mercy to any of them; don Terry always told us to expect no mercy, they have every one of them done mischief; better fling them out of the window into the court and make a pile of them and set fire to them." The housekeeper said the same, so eager were they both for the slaughter of those innocents that they truly acted as if they were hippy peace protestors but the curate would not agree to it without first reading at any rate the titles. The first that Master Nicholas put into his hand was "The Lord of the Rings." "This seems a mysterious thing," said the curate, "for, as I have heard say, this was the first book of High Fantasy ever printed and from this all the others derive their birth and origin; so it seems to me that we ought inexorably to condemn it to the flames as the founder of so vile a sect." "Nay, sir," said the barber, "I too, have heard say that this is the best of all the books of this kind that have been written, and so, as something singular in its line, it ought to be pardoned." "True," said the curate; "and for that reason let its life be spared for the present. Let us see that other which is next to it." "It is," said the barber, "the books of Shannara,' the unlawful sons of The Lord of the Rings." "Then verily," said the curate, "the merit of the father must not be put down to the account of the sons. Take it, mistress housekeeper; open the window and fling it into the yard and lay the foundation of the pile for the bonfire we are to make." "These that comes next," said the barber, "are 'the Dragonlance Saga' and, indeed, I believe all those on this side are of the same Fantasy lineage." "Then to the yard with the whole of them," said the curate; "for to have the burning of Tanis the half elf, and the magician Raistlin, not to mention that horrid kender, and the bedevilled and roleplaying style discourses of his authors, I would burn with them the father who begot me if he were going about in the guise of a knight of Solamnia." "I am of the same mind," said the barber. "And so am I," added the niece. "In that case," said the housekeeper, "here, into the yard with them!" They were handed to her, and as there were many of them, she spared herself the staircase, and flung them down out of the window. "Who is that tub there?" said the curate. "This," said the barber, "is The Farseer Trilogy by Robin Hobb." "The author of that book," said the curate, "was the same that wrote 'The Liveships Trilogy and not happy with it keep writing,' and truly there is no deciding which of the books is the more truthful, or, to put it better, the less lying; all I can say is, send this one into the yard for a swaggering Fool." "These that follows are, Malazan Books of the Fallen'" said the barber. "Señor Erikson here?" said the curate; "then by my faith he must take up his quarters in the yard, in spite of his worldbuilding and visionary adventures, for the powergaming silly named characters deserve nothing else; into the yard with him and the other, mistress housekeeper." "With all my heart, senor," said she, and executed the order with great delight. "This," said the barber, "is The Wheel of Time.'" "A long series," said the curate, "but I could only find reason for clemency for the first volumes but as things stand; send it after the others without appeal;" which was done and so the niece continued her duty with so many paperbacks and valuable hardcovers. In carrying so many together she let one fall at the feet of the barber, who took it up, curious to know whose it was, and found it said, "A Song of Ice and Fire" "God bless me!" said the curate with a shout, "A Song of Ice and Fire here' here! Hand it over, gossip, for in it I reckon I have found a treasury of enjoyment and a mine of recreation. Here is Don Jaime Lannister, a valiant knight, and his brother Tyrion, and the knight Loras a much religious man who like to pray, with the battle the bold ser Bronn fought with ser Vardis, and the witticisms of the Queen Cersei, and the loves and wiles of the widow Queen of Thorns, and the Sansa in love with the Hound—in truth, gossip, by right of its style it is the best book in the world. Here knights eat and sleep, and kill and rape innocents, and die in their beds or in battle, and make their wills before dying, and a great deal more of which there is nothing in all the other books. Nevertheless, I say he who wrote it, for deliberately composing such fooleries, deserves to be sent to reading galleys for life. Take it home with you and read it, and you will see that what I have said is true." "As you will," said the barber; "but what are we to do with these little books that are left?" "Burn them all!" said a powerful voice. They all turned to see don Terry who gazed them raptor like. Don Terry was dressed in a ragged monk mendicant black outfit and carried a rusty broadsword across his back. He was flanked by Kahlanea, the whore from El Toboso, and his loyal Zencho, the village fool. “But we thought that you liked them,†said the niece. “Yes, Don Terry, we wanted to cure you of your delusion of being a fantasy writer.†The Curate explained. “I don’t write fantasy and I’m not Don Terry any more, my war wizard name is Don Ricardo de la Mancha, Zencho just explained me my misterious origins and told me that I’m fated to be a war wizardâ€. Now Don Ricardo was eyeing them dangerously and the Barber, the Housekeeper, the niece and the Curate slowly backed. “I would have burned all of them anyway, well not all of them, those Wheel of Time books are signed first editions and I planned to sell them to Lord Stego. But the rest I wanted to burn, I’ve discovered Ayn Rand now and I don’t need any other bookâ€. Don Ricardo unsheathed his rusty sword. “Then we were just doing what was correct, right?†Said the Barber. “No, I wanted to burn them myself. It’s not the same thing. I can burn them and it will be a right thing but if you do it will be wrong because you lack moral clarityâ€. And then he whispered. “Blade be true this dayâ€. And the rusted blade broke. The Curate laughted, the Housekeeper laughted, the niece slapped the Barber’s back and laughted and all, including the whore and the village’s fool, laughted. All but don Ricardo de la Mancha who crying charged. “Do not flee cowards, it’s just one war wizard the one that attacks you!†But so great was his fury that it blinded his already dazed senses and he tripped with the two volume Subterranean Press edition of A Storm of Swords that was carelessly lying on the floor. Don Ricardo fell with such bad fortune that he was completely knocked out. (In the following chapters the Barber, the Curate, the Housekeeper and the niece dress themselves as Mord Sith and, using sexual tortures, manage to convince Don Ricardo de la Mancha to repend his ways and in the future live his fantasies as a writer.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VigoTheCarpathian Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Ah yesssss...back to the unfettered bitchitude that is the TG threads. After the few days I've had away, and with much drinking and ruminating behind me, I think I've reached a higher plane of hatred/disgust for Yeardi fans...due to logic. Here's my argument: The single most ridiculous/pervasive piece of TG defense I've seen goes something like "Dude, he makes a lot of money, and so like, you don't have to pay for his books if you don't want to, and LOL his philosophy has helped other people, and you don't have to read it, so shut up about it." Sorry...if I don't like something, it doesn't automatically eliminate my voice from the argument. "Dude, you like TG's writing. Why're you always defending it against naysayers? You like it, so just shut up already...you don't have to ruin it for everyone else." The sword cuts both ways...you can't shit on someone for criticizing just for the reason that they have an opinion opposed to yours. Trying to cut short any opinion essentially ends up in fascism, and trying to end an argument with "That's your opinion, but your opinion is worthless and you should stop talking" is itself worthless. And that is the closer to every pro-Terry argument I've ever seen. It shows a lack of the ability to reason (rationale, flexibility, etc.), and basically is an argument-ender for those who have no other recourse. I would hazard to guess this is because Objectivism, and those who choose it as a lifestyle/philosophy are people who choose to see a world through a sort of Randian/Goodkindian kaleidoscope of defined views. It doesn't mean that they're bad people, it's just that anyone who chooses to defend TG is ultimately going to end up close-minded, quite like those religious people that they seem to despise so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 Agulla, you've done it again! That was brilliant! *cries with laughter* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lightsnake Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I actually wrote the Richard is Always Right one a while back and submitted it to Inchoatus....I'm glad it's being referenced! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stego Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Just wanted to pimp my avatar. Love me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight of the Wineskin Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Just wanted to pimp my avatar. Love me? The guillotine is too quick for you, monsieur. TO THE DUNGEONS WITH HIM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Werthead Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Just wanted to pimp my avatar. Love me? MY EYES!!! THEY BLEED!!! How much green is a first edition of WFR worth anyway, Stego? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted October 11, 2006 Author Share Posted October 11, 2006 I hear there is a song by Yo La Tengo called "Pass the hatchet, I think I'm Goodkind" - I couldn't find the lyrics anywhere, does anyone know if this is a song of Truth or of Discord? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon AS Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 I hear there is a song by Yo La Tengo called "Pass the hatchet, I think I'm Goodkind" - I couldn't find the lyrics anywhere, does anyone know if this is a song of Truth or of Discord? I briefly considered that as an excuse to increase my post count a couple of weeks ago. I couldn't find the lyrics either and while the song is available as a free download on their website (www.yolatengo.com) I couldn't really make out the text, what little there is, either. Maybe a native speaker can solve this mystery? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Sounds like the best title for a new Goodkind thread, if you ask me. I'll check out the tune today. I bet one of my coworkers has already procured this album. Also, gonna start the new thread. When even indie rawk gets into the Terry-luv, you have to wonder if the end is truly nigh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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