Goodkind 54: How to Revive a Dead Dick

[Myshkin]

I feel like we are real life memmers, each of us cursed to carry within ourselves portions of Terry's lore.

[Ded As Ned]

4 hours ago, Myshkin said:

These people are called memmers, because, you know, they memmer stuff. For real, that's what they're called.

More beautiful prose has never been written! 

[Ded As Ned]

2 hours ago, Maester Llama said:

Yep, he is indeed. Torture-bishop Hannis Arc uses dickblood to reanimate Sulachan and then Sulachan brings along his "legions of half-people," who are people from beyond the very tall wall-like object who are only half alive and carry the "taint of death," so shamble around the countryside constantly looking for souls to steal and also smell bad -- so they're zombies. It seems as though Terry is really embracing the whole zombie thing, what with the half people and now the jerky people -- love "jerky people" by the way, a wonderful addition to the lexicon of yeardly terms.

Oh god, it's all coming back, coming back to me now!  Like some horrible PTSD memory long suppressed. 

[Myshkin]

We are the Children of Dick. No others can comprehend the depths of pain we feel within our tortured souls.

[Myshkin]

Chapters 46-47

Nicci, Bannon, and Thistle trek through the canyons on their way back to Cliffwall after their failed expedition into the Scar. Nicci feels sure something is following them, and she's totally right. They're jumped by a trio of “sand-colored” panthers. Perhaps you're wondering why I put sand-colored in quotation marks. Well a panther, generally speaking, is a black jaguar or leopard. What Terry seems to be describing here is a mountain lion, also known as a cougar or puma. Aw shit, this fucking panther just ripped up Nicci's black travel dress. What's she gonna wear now?

These pumas are impervious to magic. They got runes and shit branded into their hides. This means they belong to someone, but Nicci doesn't think it's the Lifedrinker. Thistle's the first to kill one of the cougars, which is probably pretty humiliating for Nicci and Bannon, but they eventually kill the other cougars as well. Have any of you guys ever seen a mountain lion in real life? I have, and they are scary as shit. Real life mountain lions would have torn Nicci & Co. apart, but Terry's magical mountain lions were fucking chumps.

Correction: one of the pumas is not all the way dead. Bannon and Thistle beg Nicci to heal it, and inexplicably she does. Apparently it's not immune to healing magic. Something strange happens when Nicci heals the thing, and she realizes she's become magically bonded to the puma. It is now her Warder. Its name is Mrra. For real. Mrra is not happy about being bonded against her will, so she takes off.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch Nate is frustrated that amongst all this gathered knowledge he can't figure out how to locate the specific information he needs. I'd suggest asking one of the memmers, but we know how he feels about them. Also, Nate's picked up a groupie. She's a cute, nerdy young thing named Mia, and unlike the other hotties at Cliffwall she's a scholar, not a filthy memmer.

Mia brings Nate a geography book and he finds Kol Adair on one of the maps inside it. He wonders if the broad valley near Kol Adair on the map is the same broad valley that's been taken over by the Scar. Which, fucking duh. Mia also brings him a book written in some foreign jibber-jabber he don't understand. I only mention this because the narrative dwells on this book for too long for it to be meaningless.

Nicci, Bannon, and Thistle return to Cliffwall. They fill Nate in on what they found out, and he fills them in on what he's found out, which amounts to basically nothing on both ends. This entire section of the book has been a complete waste of time.

At dinner the three hot acolytes are all over Bannon. They want to have his babies. Like no joke, they tell him this. I think he should totally start boning them. Not only would it be awesome for him, but it might make Nicci jelly.

Vicky has let it be known in pretty much every conversation she's had so far that she's barren. It's unclear why she offers up this extremely personal detail so often in casual conversations. But now we see it come into play. She's decided that Thistle will stay at Cliffwall and become one of her acolytes. Thistle's all like, “Thx, but no thx.” Vicky's not having any of that sass, and gets all bitchy about it. Finally Nicci steps in and tells the old lady to fuck off. Vicky backs down for now, but it's clear these two chicks got beef.

[Jaxom 1974]

One almost...ALMOST...wonders what will happen when Nick brings home 'ole Bannon to meet the biggest Dick...?

[Myshkin]

That's probably way down the road. As Ded As Ned pointed out earlier in this thread, the Old World, despite being real old, has a shitload of uncharted territory. I don't think Nicci and Nate, and therefor Bannon, are gonna be going back home to Dick any time soon. Remember that Nicci's job is to inform the entire world that they are Dick's subjects now. Now back to the show.

Chapters 48-50

Bannon's chilling in his room, washing cougar blood off himself, when Audrey the brunette acolyte lets herself in. She's not the one with the most generous breasts, that would be Sage, but she's still totally doable. She takes over the bathing process, and Bannon gets a boner. Not a metaphorical one; Terry actually describes the boner. It's prominent. Audrey grabs the prominent boner. Good for Bannon. I know this chick is some kind of succubus or something, but I'm still happy for him. Now Audrey whips her boobs out (her nipples are dark, like berries), and Bannon is struck dumb by their perfection. She straddles him in the cowgirl position, and they totally fucking bone!

I'm pretty sure Bannon was a virgin. After the bonefest he ruminates on how his entire world has changed. He's all like, “I just had sex, and I'll never go back to the not-having-sex ways of the past.” He also gets super clingy, telling Audrey that he'll make a good husband and stuff. She's all like, “Chill out bro, it was just sex. Jeez.”

Good thing Audrey shot down his declarations of love, because an hour later Laurel the blonde acolyte sneaks into his room. She gets naked immediately. We don't get a description of what color her nipples are, but we are told her boobs are smaller and firmer than Audrey's. Bannon, honorable man that he is, tells Laurel that he can't sex her up because he belongs to Audrey now. Laurel laughs at him and tells him everything's cool, they got an arrangement. They bone. Missionary style this time. Bannon is pretty sure that he's got this laying pipe thing down. Afterward Laurel tells him that Sage, the redhead with the big boobs, will be dropping by for her turn in a few hours.

Unfortunately we aren't privy to the promised Bannon/Sage bonedown. Instead we switch to a montage in which Nicci searches the archive for answers to the Lifedrinker problem. Thistle is bored, and so is Bannon, which don't make much sense to me seeing as he's getting laid left, right, and center.

Oh shit, Nicci just stumbled across some info on how to kill succubuses (succubi?). She thinks maybe it'll prove useful against the Lifedrinker, but probably not. Little does she know that that shit might well prove super useful against certain other enemies. By the way, the only way to kill a succubus is to get it preggers. The succubus baby then drains all the life from the mom/host succubus. After that you gotta kill the baby. This does not bode well.

Vicky now pops by to tell us that she memmers something. It's a story about something called the Eldertree. This was the first tree that spawned all other trees. A long time ago, even before the great wizard war, a hundred powerful wizards used their magic to cut down the Eldertree. Why? Who knows. But they saved an acorn from the Eldertree, and that acorn has all the primeval power of life in it. And guess what? The acorn is located right here at Cliffwall.

There's a catch though. The acorn is stored in an abandoned part of Cliffwall; an old tower that's been fucked up by some errant magic. Nobody's been in there for years. It's NBD though. Nicci marches right in there and finds the acorn, no probs. Now everything's set for the big showdown. Nicci tells Nate and Thistle they can't come, for various reasons, then she and Bannon head out to hand the Lifedrinker his ass.

[Myshkin]

Chapters 51-54

As she and Bannon travel through the Scar Nicci gets herself all worked up about what a monster this Lifedrinker guy is, how he's killed a whole bunch of people just because he was afraid to die. I think it prudent to remind everyone at this point that Nicci herself has almost certainly murdered a shitload more people than the Lifedrinker.

Near the center of the Scar our heroes are attacked by a group of giant Komodo dragons. Nicci uses her magic to kill one of them, but then she feels the Lifedrinker start stealing her magic. So now Nicci can't use magic. Of course. The lizards are described as graceful and well coordinated, and yet they attack one at a time, allowing Bannon to kill most of them. But then his sword gets stuck in a lizard cranium, and while he's trying to get it free the last of the monsters comes for Nicci. She's fucked, and she knows it. But just when she thinks she's gonna bite it, Mrra the cougar comes out of nowhere, presumably alerted by the Warder bond, and rips the lizard's guts out.

Finally we get to the center of the Scar. Shit's real bad here. It's all lava and broken rocks and stuff. By this point Nicci and Bannon have both had a substantial amount of life drunk out of them, but they're still ready to rumble. A bunch of dog-sized scorpions and even more jerky people show up, but Nicci tells the Lifedrinker to stop being such a wuss and come face her himself. Pride stung, he obliges.

The Lifedrinker is not described in great detail. He's crooked and bent, and shrouded in a robe. You know, typical evil wizard stuff. He emerges from a bottomless pit and mutters something about how he hungers. Nicci's like, “No probs, I got a knuckle sandwich right here for you.”

Nicci, now super old because of all the life that's been drunk out of her, hobbles her way toward the Lifedrinker. His minions attack. Hundreds of jerky people and giant scorpions. But they're no match for Bannon (also super old by now) and Mrra. The neophyte swordsman and the magical cougar hold off the evil wizard's entire undead army.

Now the Lifedrinker's crying about how he never wanted any of this, how he was just trying to save himself but now he can't stop the magic. Nicci tells him too fucking bad bro, then shoves the magic acorn down his throat. (You guys remember the magic acorns in Willow? That's got nothing to do with this, but it's a great movie. Warwick Davis and Val Kilmer were awesome in it. Did you know that Val Kilmer and Joanne Whalley, who played Sorsha, got married after falling in love on set?)

The Lifedrinker is no match for the acorn, and after a bit of a struggle he dies. In his place a small sapling now stands. Nicci and Bannon are returned to their former youth and beauty. Nicci has now fulfilled her half of the prophecy by saving the world, just like Red the witch woman said she would.

Lifedrinker defeated our heroes head back to Cliffwall. The valley's still pretty dead, but there's signs of new life and we're all pretty sure shit's gonna go back to normal now.

They don't stay at Cliffwall for long though; the day after they get back they lead a bunch of scholars and memmers out to the spot where the Lifedrinker bit it. Ha, during his speech to the scholars about how they can now reclaim the valley, Nate Dog forgets what series he's in and calls the Scar the Blight.

[Ded As Ned]

9 hours ago, Myshkin said:

Nate Dog forgets what series he's in and calls the Scar the Blight.

Are you fucking serious? 

I guess it's no worse than The White Tower and all the other shit in the early books.  And The Wall.  And the ice zombies.

 

[SeanF]

15 hours ago, Myshkin said:

That's probably way down the road. As Ded As Ned pointed out earlier in this thread, the Old World, despite being real old, has a shitload of uncharted territory. I don't think Nicci and Nate, and therefor Bannon, are gonna be going back home to Dick any time soon. Remember that Nicci's job is to inform the entire world that they are Dick's subjects now. Now back to the show.

Chapters 48-50

Bannon's chilling in his room, washing cougar blood off himself, when Audrey the brunette acolyte lets herself in. She's not the one with the most generous breasts, that would be Sage, but she's still totally doable. She takes over the bathing process, and Bannon gets a boner. Not a metaphorical one; Terry actually describes the boner. It's prominent. Audrey grabs the prominent boner. Good for Bannon. I know this chick is some kind of succubus or something, but I'm still happy for him. Now Audrey whips her boobs out (her nipples are dark, like berries), and Bannon is struck dumb by their perfection. She straddles him in the cowgirl position, and they totally fucking bone!

I'm pretty sure Bannon was a virgin. After the bonefest he ruminates on how his entire world has changed. He's all like, “I just had sex, and I'll never go back to the not-having-sex ways of the past.” He also gets super clingy, telling Audrey that he'll make a good husband and stuff. She's all like, “Chill out bro, it was just sex. Jeez.”

Good thing Audrey shot down his declarations of love, because an hour later Laurel the blonde acolyte sneaks into his room. She gets naked immediately. We don't get a description of what color her nipples are, but we are told her boobs are smaller and firmer than Audrey's. Bannon, honorable man that he is, tells Laurel that he can't sex her up because he belongs to Audrey now. Laurel laughs at him and tells him everything's cool, they got an arrangement. They bone. Missionary style this time. Bannon is pretty sure that he's got this laying pipe thing down. Afterward Laurel tells him that Sage, the redhead with the big boobs, will be dropping by for her turn in a few hours.

Unfortunately we aren't privy to the promised Bannon/Sage bonedown. Instead we switch to a montage in which Nicci searches the archive for answers to the Lifedrinker problem. Thistle is bored, and so is Bannon, which don't make much sense to me seeing as he's getting laid left, right, and center.

Oh shit, Nicci just stumbled across some info on how to kill succubuses (succubi?). She thinks maybe it'll prove useful against the Lifedrinker, but probably not. Little does she know that that shit might well prove super useful against certain other enemies. By the way, the only way to kill a succubus is to get it preggers. The succubus baby then drains all the life from the mom/host succubus. After that you gotta kill the baby. This does not bode well.

Vicky now pops by to tell us that she memmers something. It's a story about something called the Eldertree. This was the first tree that spawned all other trees. A long time ago, even before the great wizard war, a hundred powerful wizards used their magic to cut down the Eldertree. Why? Who knows. But they saved an acorn from the Eldertree, and that acorn has all the primeval power of life in it. And guess what? The acorn is located right here at Cliffwall.

There's a catch though. The acorn is stored in an abandoned part of Cliffwall; an old tower that's been fucked up by some errant magic. Nobody's been in there for years. It's NBD though. Nicci marches right in there and finds the acorn, no probs. Now everything's set for the big showdown. Nicci tells Nate and Thistle they can't come, for various reasons, then she and Bannon head out to hand the Lifedrinker his ass.

Does she use Nipple Magic?

[Ded As Ned]

37 minutes ago, SeanF said:

Does she use Nipple Magic?

I thought it was obvious from the perfect dark nipples.

[.H.]

43 minutes ago, Ded As Ned said:

I thought it was obvious from the perfect dark nipples.

I'd consider that, in my life, I have seen a fair amount of nipples.  It never occurred to me to liken any to berries.

Guess that is why I am not an author, let alone a "best selling" one.

[SeanF]

A few years ago, I asked how exactly nipple magic works, but no one had a clear answer.

[Ded As Ned]

1 hour ago, SeanF said:

A few years ago, I asked how exactly nipple magic works, but no one had a clear answer.

Nobody really knows.  Thus the magic

[SkynJay]

If I recall they cut off a nipple and held on to it and it basically made the person missing a nipple a drone. 

[Myshkin]

1) Generally speaking, nipples are awesome enough not to need magic. Bannon is entranced by Audrey's boobs because boobs are fucking great. No magic required.

2) SkynJay's got the right of it as far as to how nipple magic works. But he forgot the most important way in which nipple magic works; it gives Terry cover for allowing the narrative to dwell on boobs.

3) It's been a long time since I read the pertinent book, but I'm pretty sure there's vagina magic in Terryworld as well. I remember Dick's skeevy psycho half brother fingered one of the leather chicks once for magical purposes.

[Myshkin]

Chapters 55-58

Vicky's not happy at all about how long it might take for the valley to regain its former glory, or about how puny the sapling that sprang from the acorn is, and she blames Nicci for it. Women straight up do not get along with each other at all in Terry's world. Vicky's decided that she's gonna accelerate the revitalization process by fucking around with some magic, just as soon as she can figure out the best way to go about it. This will not end well. As a side note, Terry keeps portraying the memmers (ugh, that fucking name) as obsolete relics who are desperate to hold on to their former glory. Now that scholars from outside can access the archive the memmers are no longer needed. This makes absolutely zero fucking sense. The memmers hold all the vast knowledge of the archive inside their heads. That's like the most useful magical ability I've ever heard of.

We find out that despite boning Bannon as often as possible, none of the three hot acolytes is preggers yet. Vicky is disappointed by this. These chicks need to get knocked up, and fast.

Vicky suddenly memmers the exact spell she needs. From the description we get of it the spell might as well be called the In Case A Lifedrinker Happens spell. Ooh, but the spell requires blood. Blood magic is generally bad news.

Vicky takes her babe acolytes out to the Eldertree sapling in the middle of the night, and they all get naked. We learn here that Sage's nipples are dark in color, and that Audrey's got a thick bush. Vicky explains to the three chicks that they're gonna give birth to a new world tonight, whatever that means. She also tells them that female magic is stronger than male magic, which is categorically untrue in Terryland.

At this point the three acolytes begin to masturbate. No joke. And it's not part of the spell or anything. These chicks are so turned on by the the thought of birthing a new world that they just start beating off right in front of each other. Vicky tells them they gotta drink from this bottle of mysterious liquid she's brought with her. Audrey takes the bottle with her “moist fingers”, takes a slug, and passes it to the others. They all pass out. Vicky ties them to the sapling. Apparently for no other reason than to be cruel, she waits for them to wake up before cutting their throats. Told you blood magic was bad news.

The spell works though. A kickass forest begins to grow right before Vicky's eyes. Her evil deeds have been justified! Oh wait, something's gone wrong. The plants grab her, and I kid you not, rape her. This is a new low. A woman has been raped by a forest. WTF is wrong with Terry Goodkind?

[Maester Llama]

Oh my god, that's disgusting. I mean, the tree thing is the crown jewel of nope, for sure, but everything in this section is crazy misogynist. We've always known Goodkind is gross about this stuff, but as you say this is a new low. The whole recap has been mad funny, and I thank and salute you; you are doing noble work. But I am legitimately concerned both for and about this man now. Is this person well?

[Jaxom 1974]

4 hours ago, Myshkin said:

1) Generally speaking, nipples are awesome enough not to need magic. Bannon is entranced by Audrey's boobs because boobs are fucking great. No magic required.

 

The boobs are the magic. There's a song I think...

[Myshkin]

1 hour ago, Maester Llama said:

Oh my god, that's disgusting. I mean, the tree thing is the crown jewel of nope, for sure, but everything in this section is crazy misogynist. We've always known Goodkind is gross about this stuff, but as you say this is a new low. The whole recap has been mad funny, and I thank and salute you; you are doing noble work. But I am legitimately concerned both for and about this man now. Is this person well?

Vicky is one of the grossest stereotypes we've ever encountered in Terryland. She's been driven crazy by her inability to have babies. As a woman, pushing new life out of her vagina is her raison d'etre, and so her infertility has naturally broken her fragile lady-mind. That is the totality of her character development. Nicci on the other hand has chosen not to have babies, but we are made aware that she is fully capable of reproducing should she so choose, and is therefore a complete woman.