I Need Help

[Theda Baratheon]

I wasn't sure whether or not to post this or whether it was even worth it, but here goes...

I have two parents who obviously love me a lot and want what is best for me and they support me in almost everything, even my vegetarianism (albeit barely) even though they hate it.

However; My dad doesn't believe I'm depressed. He just can't accept it. After I almost failed my second year of University I told them I'd been depressed and my Dad was pissed off. He thought I was making an excuse for failing. He constantly calls me lazy. He blames all of my tiredness, 'laziness' and not excelling on my being lazy and also me being a vegetarian. (I have an awful diet, I would have an awful diet whether or not I was vegetarian, in part because of my depression making it very difficult to care enough about myself and food to make decent meals)

I just can't bring myself to ever directly tell my Dad I am depressed again because he is completely in denial.

He just thinks I'm a really smart girl wasting potential because I'm lazy.

Recently I've dropped into conversation that I am on anti-deppressants and their first reaction is always to question being on them. "Oh you don't want to be on them" "be careful of them" "you dont wanna get addicted to them" and never truly realise of course I dont WANT to be on them, I don't LIKE being on them but being on them ia necessary to get me to a good enough state of mind that I don't want to kill myself.

My mum just thinks that being positive to me and highlighting good things will make me undepressed but I don't have the feelings to be hopeful and optimistic.

I know they just want me to be the best I can and that desire is born out of love but I don't have any sympathy for my Father's denial anymore.

At the moment I am back home for a few days from work and I SO SO SO wanted this but now I'm here I don't feel much. I'm still so tired. I'm finding it very difficult to be responsive and pretend I am okay. And not feeling happy about being home is making me feel worse.

I can imagine how disappointing it can be to miss your daughter so much and want her home and when she gets there shes just moody and unresponsive and dull and depressing.

and I can feel a rift being driven between me and my parents because they don't understand and they don't believe.

I just need help finding easy to read resources that clearly explain depression or what depression does to people so my parents will understand and believe me. Or a way to 'stoicly' explain what is wrong.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to accept my father's denial and I need them to KNOW the reason I am consistently not reaching their high expectations is because I am depressed.

If I tried to explain the thoughts I have or how I feel myself my dad will just call me dramatic and making up excuses.

I need them to understand because I love them and I know they love me but they're making me hate myself even more. I am not happy, and I don't want to alienate people who are obliged to love me. I need them to understand and continue to like me.

Sorry if this shouldnt be here I wasn't sure what else to do.

[Isis]

I have deja vu. Did you not say the same thing previously and your parents actually got a bit better? Or am I confusing you with another poster?

Can you print this post out and give it to them? From what you say here it seems like they are resistant to what you have been trying to continually explain to them. Maybe they need to see the whole thing in one go as it will be more difficult for them to ignore/deny it then.

[peterbound]

So… I deal with depression. One of the things I learned is that I can't blame /everything/ on the malady. Me being lazy, sometimes is a by product of my depression (some days I just can't think of getting out of bed), however, sometimes I'm just being lazy. It's important for me to separate the two, and press on with life.

Your diet needs to change. I know that's hard to hear, but energy, mood, health.. all that shit has a direct correlation on what you put into your face. The most depressed I've ever been usually correlates with some sort of food whirlwind. Surely your therapist/doctor has told you as much? Your old man might be onto something on that front.

I come from a working class background, and work in a field(s) that don't look highly on admitting you may be a 'mental midget' (their words, not mine), although it's getting better. So looking for treatment has always been difficult, and explaining it to the other 'dudes' in my life has been hard. The best way I deal with it, when it comes up, is to say, "I'm working through some shit, I'll deal with it." That usually calls off the dogs. It's important for me to remember though (and you) that i actually have to deal with it. Being dramatic, a pain in the ass, or a fucking vortex of negativity isn't going to help the situation. Recognizing that you've got the problem is only the first step in the treatment, you need to try and start to control your own joy, and how you interact with others.

So ya, don't make excuses. Work to get better. Tell him you're handling it. That's what works for me.

[Derfel Cadarn]

Find some leaflets from either the GP or other relevent agency - I'm sure there Re leaflets aimed at helping family understand.

And improve your diet

[Tears of Lys]

Your parents are probably denying you have a problem because they can't face it. Most parents do not want to feel like their "perfect" child that they gave birth to could be anything other than 100%. Admitting otherwise would mean that they may have done something "wrong" or that they passed on to you what one of them, or both, have experienced in their lives. The guilt of that is more than enough to make the average person try to talk their child (and themselves) into believing that whatever the kid is experiencing is due to something else - in your case, diet.

Is there someone else your parents can talk to about this, whom they might believe, who understands depression and its symptoms? Preferably some authority figure.

BTW, if you're still feeling depressed, maybe your meds need to be changed up. If you're on an antidepressant, it's supposed to take care of that. What's the use of them if they don't work? And, yes, food can affect how the body metabolizes pharmaceuticals. Don't know if that's the case here, though.

Anyway, :grouphug:. Get outside and get some fresh air. A good walk always clears my head and makes it easier to deal with life. :P

[Theda Baratheon]

I don't make excuses though. I have never once been late to work, or just not gone into work knowing I was supposed to be there. I get out of bed, a lot of the time later than i'd like, but I get up. I finally went to the doctor, I do what she says. I'm definitely getting a lot better with my diet. It's still probably pretty bad, but I'm trying really hard with it. I'm definitely not ever eating meat again, my dad just thinks if I ate meat again a lot of things would magically get better; they won't.

I've never just not done something and said ''well i can't im depressed'' I've only ever had to admit to it with great shame if something goes really, really wrong and I have to let someone know how it could have gotten so wrong.

I'm not a ball of negativity either, I make people laugh all the time. I just find it really hard to keep pretending i'm ok sometimes.

I know my diet is shit and needs to improve, that's something i'm working on and is part of all the shit I am working out and dealing with, I don't need to be told how to ''cure'' my depression as I am already currently doing all I can to get through it. I go outside, I see friends, I go to work, I go to university, I hand in essays, I'm trying.

I just need my parents, especially my dad, to actually know depression is a thing and it's a thing I have and it's a thing I'm working on and not something I'm using as an excuse. I'm not just lying in bed all day doing nothing hoping it will go away. Because I know it won't

It already seems i have absolutely no common sense and that it was pretty fucking dumb to post this here; but i admittedly have no common sense which is why i asked here because i don't know what to do. this post sounds horribly self indulgent and i already feel a bit ill i posted it. im sorry.

[Dr. Pepper]

I have bipolar disorder. The best success I've had in getting certain family members to truly understand is when I directed them to literature that was completely focused on the science part of it. Books that dealt with what it was like to love someone with X mental disorder or what X mental disorder was like kept the mental disorder as this completely foreign idea to them because if they didn't experience it, it's nearly impossible to understand exactly how out of control the mind can feel when dealing with X mental disorder. I think saturating them with the unemotional science of the disorder helped them see it as a true medical issue that needed lifelong treatment, rather than just my being too lazy to pull myself up by my bootstraps.

I also wrote a really long letter to my mom and told her exactly what I go through during mood episodes. I told her everything, including the mortifying. I tried to use the sciency words to explain how it's a fantasy that I would just 'pull myself out of it'. I pointed out that she wouldn't be thinking I should just stop making excuses if I came to her saying I couldn't do X because I had diabetes. Then I told her how making me feel as though I'm just being an undisciplined, lazy, excuse maker was so harmful to me because the best way for me to be well is to fully accept that there is a medical problem that needs to be treated and monitored. I compared it to other illnesses and pointed out that no one would expect X disease to get better without treatment and monitoring.

I'm not sure if this method would have worked so well if I'd chosen a different family member. My mother and I were never all that close, we weren't bffs or anything like that. I was much closer to other members of the family. My mom just had the personality who would be most receptive to understanding that mental illness is something that needs to be treated as real as any other bodily illness.

On another note, it's a great fantasy to think that one can just make up their minds to get better or that they aren't better because they are making excuses or that they can just easily change something like their diet and all will be well. That fantasy doesn't always work so well in reality. When one is suffering from a mental illness, their thought process is often 'wrong'. It can be near impossible to just 'get over it and stop making excuses' when your brain is sending signals saying "it's all worthless, just kill yourself, no one thinks you are actually sick so you're a loser who should just jump off a bridge."

Theda, feel free to PM me anytime. I get it.

[Kikajon]

No Theda, don't feel like this about this post.

I am depressed too and I share most feelings with you.

I want you to know that your post is inspiring to me.

You are way way better than me in coping with the problem for a start.

You'd only like your father to understand.

It is a perfectly righteous desire.

I took meds when doing university.

Those meds did me much worse than good in my opinion, just my opinion maybe I would have died without...anyway..

In all those years I never spoke of my problem with my father.

We never talked a lot.

Nor afterwards.

I don't know if he ever knew of my problem.

So, sorry, to cut it short. You are doing great, miles better than me in any case and I agree with the poster suggesting to give him leaflets on depression.

Have the nicest holidays you can have!

:grouphug:

[Weeping Sore]

Theda - depression is very real, and it is almost always worse during the winter due to the lack of sunlight.

Here's what I would recommend:

Make a list of things you would like to change in your life and arrange them from easiest to hardest. (The first thing on the list should be "Make a list of things you would like to change" That way you can cross the first item off the list right away)

Some suggestions for changes: A sun-lamp, sit in front of it for two half-hour sessions if you can.

Fish oil supplements: I know that's not strictly vegetarian, but DHA from flax seed is not easily utilized by the body, so consider making an exception.

Vitamin D supplement, especially during winter months.

Vitamin B complex, especially B-12: You are likely to be deficient in B vitamins from a vegetarian diet.

Excercise: pick something you actually like doing so it won't seem like a chore.

Consistent sleep schedule.

More comprehensive change in diet (more complex carbohydrates, less sugar, etc.)

Counseling from a professional (which may lead to more psychological goals, like:

Learning to not need your parents' validation, for example.

Again, be sure to rank these (or others, obviously) from easiest to hardest so you have the sense of accomplishment when you make an easy change, and build on that. (eating habits are very difficult to change, so I wouldn't put that at the top)

[peterbound]

I have bipolar disorder. The best success I've had in getting certain family members to truly understand is when I directed them to literature that was completely focused on the science part of it. Books that dealt with what it was like to love someone with X mental disorder or what X mental disorder was like kept the mental disorder as this completely foreign idea to them because if they didn't experience it, it's nearly impossible to understand exactly how out of control the mind can feel when dealing with X mental disorder. I think saturating them with the unemotional science of the disorder helped them see it as a true medical issue that needed lifelong treatment, rather than just my being too lazy to pull myself up by my bootstraps.

I also wrote a really long letter to my mom and told her exactly what I go through during mood episodes. I told her everything, including the mortifying. I tried to use the sciency words to explain how it's a fantasy that I would just 'pull myself out of it'. I pointed out that she wouldn't be thinking I should just stop making excuses if I came to her saying I couldn't do X because I had diabetes. Then I told her how making me feel as though I'm just being an undisciplined, lazy, excuse maker was so harmful to me because the best way for me to be well is to fully accept that there is a medical problem that needs to be treated and monitored. I compared it to other illnesses and pointed out that no one would expect X disease to get better without treatment and monitoring.

I'm not sure if this method would have worked so well if I'd chosen a different family member. My mother and I were never all that close, we weren't bffs or anything like that. I was much closer to other members of the family. My mom just had the personality who would be most receptive to understanding that mental illness is something that needs to be treated as real as any other bodily illness.

On another note, it's a great fantasy to think that one can just make up their minds to get better or that they aren't better because they are making excuses or that they can just easily change something like their diet and all will be well. That fantasy doesn't always work so well in reality. When one is suffering from a mental illness, their thought process is often 'wrong'. It can be near impossible to just 'get over it and stop making excuses' when your brain is sending signals saying "it's all worthless, just kill yourself, no one thinks you are actually sick so you're a loser who should just jump off a bridge."

Theda, feel free to PM me anytime. I get it.

Never did I suggest that you can, 'just get over it', but you do need to put in the work, and realize that your mind is betraying you at times. Attempting to stay positive, exercise, eating right, and surrounding yourself with good folks go a long way into putting in the work. Also, not blaming everyone on your disorder helps keep negativity at bay.

It's also a fantasy to think that if you do things the same way over and over again, you're going to get better, and that medication alone will fix everything.

Put in some work. Realize that it's a life long issues, but you have to make sure you are doing things to actively get better.

[Eyron]

I can't think of any advice right now dear. I just want to say don't feel bad for posting this here. You are not alone in having issues like this, and I think that you have already taken a big step, just by wanting to include your parents and talk to them about it.

[Weeping Sore]

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has proven more effective than any other kind of "talking" therapy. If you can't find a practitioner near you, consider trying this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-Depression-Step/dp/1608823806

Also, consider trying meditation. I'm a Buddhist, so here's probably the best, most practical book on Buddhist meditation, but I think it is quite palatible for the non-believer:

http://www.amazon.com/Joyful-Wisdom-Embracing-Finding-Freedom/dp/0307407802

I know I'm throwing the kitchen sink at you, but that's why the first thing you've got to do is make a list and just look at one thing at a time.

[Raja]

Theda, would it be possible to take your parents along to your next appointment to your GP? As Tears of Lys suggested above, hearing it from an authority figure might be a way for them to take the illness more seriously. It shouldn't be like that, but maybe that could be a good place to start. I suppose showing them a site that goes into the effects of depression on a person can be as effective as well.

You certainly shouldn't feel bad about posting on here though, good luck :)

[Theda Baratheon]

I have bipolar disorder. The best success I've had in getting certain family members to truly understand is when I directed them to literature that was completely focused on the science part of it. Books that dealt with what it was like to love someone with X mental disorder or what X mental disorder was like kept the mental disorder as this completely foreign idea to them because if they didn't experience it, it's nearly impossible to understand exactly how out of control the mind can feel when dealing with X mental disorder. I think saturating them with the unemotional science of the disorder helped them see it as a true medical issue that needed lifelong treatment, rather than just my being too lazy to pull myself up by my bootstraps.

This is the sort of thing I wanted to be honest; my Dad seems like he would accept the science of it more than some fuckingpoetic description of how shit I feel. Can I ask you what books you read/gave to them????

This is something I'd like to focus on, that it's something tangible, something that actually exists and is genuinely wrong with me and something I'm treating and trying to make better.

Have the nicest holidays you can have!

:grouphug:

Thank you. You too.

I have finally accepted I'm depressed and I have been for years. I don't want sympathy for people or for anyone to tell me how to cure it or treat it because I am working through it the best I can.

The first meds I took didn't work and i'm on new ones, if these ones don't work I'll try a third lot and if 3 don't work i'm going to just stop and ask for counselling.

Theda - depression is very real, and it is almost always worse during the winter due to the lack of sunlight.

Here's what I would recommend:

Make a list of things you would like to change in your life and arrange them from easiest to hardest. (The first thing on the list should be "Make a list of things you would like to change" That way you can cross the first item off the list right away)

Thank you I appreciate it but this post wasn't asking how to cope with my depression, it's a fact that I have it and I know I have it and i'm working on it I just want my parents to understand I have it too. That's all. I don't want them to know because I want them to be nicer to me, to make excuses for me, or to let me become even lazier. Nope. I just want them to know and to understand so that I can get through it better myself knowing it's a legitimate problem and that i'm not just making it up. I already take vitamins and supplements. I already sleep regularly. I am a bit ashamed about seeing a counsellor, that's all.

Put in some work. Realize that it's a life long issues, but you have to make sure you are doing things to actively get better.

Ya. I'm not getting defensive here because I appreciate what you're saying and I agree you gotta work on it. I am working on it. I'm on meds for the moment to get me to a place where I can work on it better but I'm definitely not just sitting around doing nothing. That's something I need my dad to completely understand. This word isn't a crutch to my laziness. It's just an explanation for why I am the way I often am.

I can't think of any advice right now dear. I just want to say don't feel bad for posting this here. You are not alone in having issues like this, and I think that you have already taken a big step, just by wanting to include your parents and talk to them about it.

I feel like people think i'm being self indulgent and whiney and I hate that so much. I don't want to irritate anyone; all I was asking was what are some methods I can use to explain to my parents in a way they'll understand.

tbh, I was hoping someone might have a good comic or piece of literature saved that easily explains things and doesn't sound self-indulgent.

Theda, would it be possible to take your parents along to your next appointment to your GP? As Tears of Lys suggested above, hearing it from an authority figure might be a way for them to take the illness more seriously. It shouldn't be like that, but maybe that could be a good place to start. I suppose showing them a site that goes into the effects of depression on a person can be as effective as well.

You certainly shouldn't feel bad about posting on here though, good luck :)

I don't live with them, I live away from them as i'm going to university. I finish university in a few months though, and they really want me to move back home. If I do this, and i'm living with them for a bit, they'll need to know and accept this important thing about me.

[Dr. Pepper]

Never did I suggest that you can, 'just get over it', but you do need to put in the work, and realize that your mind is betraying you at times. Attempting to stay positive, exercise, eating right, and surrounding yourself with good folks go a long way into putting in the work. Also, not blaming everyone on your disorder helps keep negativity at bay.

It's also a fantasy to think that if you do things the same way over and over again, you're going to get better, and that medication alone will fix everything.

Put in some work. Realize that it's a life long issues, but you have to make sure you are doing things to actively get better.

The OP isn't asking how to surround herself with magical positive thinking in order to get better nor is she blaming anyone else for her problems. She's asking advice for what changes she can make in her interactions with her parents so that things will be better because she recognizes that doing it the same way isn't working for herself or her family. It may not be important to you for your 'dudes' to be supportive of your illness, but it's important to Theda that her parents be at least accepting. That's just some of the work she's trying to 'put in' on top of medication so that she can be well.

[Weeping Sore]

Thank you I appreciate it but this post wasn't asking how to cope with my depression, it's a fact that I have it and I know I have it and i'm working on it I just want my parents to understand I have it too. That's all. I don't want them to know because I want them to be nicer to me, to make excuses for me, or to let me become even lazier. Nope. I just want them to know and to understand so that I can get through it better myself knowing it's a legitimate problem and that i'm not just making it up. I already take vitamins and supplements. I already sleep regularly. I am a bit ashamed about seeing a counsellor, that's all.

Sorry I missed your point. I have zero insight as to how to make your parents understand. A little time might help.

My mother is basically a Vulcan and my father avoids any probing insights into the psyche like the plague (lest he uncover his own issues, probably). I long ago learned I had to look elsewhere for emotional support.

[peterbound]

The OP isn't asking how to surround herself with magical positive thinking in order to get better nor is she blaming anyone else for her problems. She's asking advice for what changes she can make in her interactions with her parents so that things will be better because she recognizes that doing it the same way isn't working for herself or her family. It may not be important to you for your 'dudes' to be supportive of your illness, but it's important to Theda that her parents be at least accepting. That's just some of the work she's trying to 'put in' on top of medication so that she can be well.

Doing work in order to help mitigate the negative issues surrounding the disorder will got a long way to help with her family's 'acceptance'. Show that she is working on the problem, and that it's an actual disorder will help her parents accept that it's there. Trust me. It might not have worked for you, but i think it will work in this case. Me doing that stuff helps the 'dudes' be supportive. They are the same ilk of TB's family.

'Dad, I got an issue. it's a real thing. Heres some stuff i'm doing to fix it.' works with people that don't understand the intangibles of the disorder.

Also, why the fuck are you starting shit? Don't make this about you and me. Fucking internet.

[HexMachina]

I agree with Tears of Lys. My parents entirely blamed me for my problems and thought I was being selfish at first, but actually sitting down and hearing my therapist explain things to them (and not just the cold clinical stuff, the specifics of my personal problems) really helped them.

Of course, this assumes that you are receiving treatment beyond anti-depressants. I do understand that with you living away from.them, this is very impractical/difficult.

I also kind of agree with Peterbound that explaining what you are trying to do to deal with the depression might help them. It shows them that this isn't just you being "lazy" and that you are being proactive in dealing with it

[Theda Baratheon]

Sorry I missed your point. I have zero insight as to how to make your parents understand. A little time might help.

My mother is basically a Vulcan and my father avoids any probing insights into the psyche like the plague (lest he uncover his own issues, probably). I long ago learned I had to look elsewhere for emotional support.

This part of your post

''Counseling from a professional (which may lead to more psychological goals, like:

Learning to not need your parents' validation, for example.

''

Has given me something to think about though. I will admit. I am super scared and anxious about seeing a ''therapist'' I feel it would be really 'weak' of me (even though I'd never feel the same if a friend told me they had counselling) I just feel like a therapist would find me really annoying and hate me because nothing dramatically sad has ever happened in my life. I was bullied for years on end, big deal, so were tons of other people who don't become as pathetic as me. I just don't know what the hell i'd talk about and I don't want to tell some stranger the most horrible thoughts I have about myself either. But I really think I should see a counsellor, it seems better than relying on meds that are just not working for me...

Doing work in order to help mitigate the negative issues surrounding the disorder will got a long way to help with her family's 'acceptance'. Show that she is working on the problem, and that it's an actual disorder will help her parents accept that it's there. Trust me. It might not have worked for you, but i think it will work in this case. Me doing that stuff helps the 'dudes' be supportive. They are the same ilk of TB's family.

I get that i'm his little girl and he wants me to the be the best I can be, but I get the impression he even thinks i'm on meds because I'm a vegetarian and lazy. I'm actually only borderline b12 and iron deficient, no where near as bad as I initially thought and the same amount of plenty of people who also eat meat.

I don't lay around or cry all the time, I go outside, take the dog for a walk, do household chores when I'm back home; it just takes a lot of effort that's all, which makes me feel really weak and pathetic so when I slip, and have a glimpse of weakness and I get insulted for it (because i'm not keeping the facade up well enough) i find it very damaging.

my dad's a great man and really cares about me, but i just don't think he will accept clinical depression as a true thing that i could possibly have.

[Dr. Pepper]

This is the sort of thing I wanted to be honest; my Dad seems like he would accept the science of it more than some fuckingpoetic description of how shit I feel. Can I ask you what books you read/gave to them????

This is something I'd like to focus on, that it's something tangible, something that actually exists and is genuinely wrong with me and something I'm treating and trying to make better.

I truly can't recall the specific titles of books. I do recall that to start with, it was mostly lit from a bunch of official medical places. There were at least a dozen links to places presented in a sort of outline form so they were separated into specific topics. Then I added in some experts from medical books with proper references. Mostly I set up the letter in a way that I knew my mom would best respond to. She likes hard facts that she can easily review presented in an organized way. I've texted her and she says that I sent her the "Why Am I Still Depressed" book which was the only one she ended up keeping because, though it's focused on a disorder that I don't have, it helped her reinforce the idea that there are very real mental illnesses that need to be treated and the book helped her explain it to other people better. The book didn't come along until I'd already saturated her with the science medical stuff. Someone mentioned upthread that reminded me that I did take my mom along with me when I went to see the family primary care physician. I think it was eye opening to my mom when the GP the family has had for 35 years said, "you are very ill and need to see a specialist."

Doing work in order to help mitigate the negative issues surrounding the disorder will got a long way to help with her family's 'acceptance'. Show that she is working on the problem, and that it's an actual disorder will help her parents accept that it's there. Trust me. It might not have worked for you, but i think it will work in this case. Me doing that stuff helps the 'dudes' be supportive. They are the same ilk of TB's family.

'Dad, I got an issue. it's a real thing. Heres some stuff i'm doing to fix it.' works with people that don't understand the intangibles of the disorder.

Also, why the fuck are you starting shit? Don't make this about you and me. Fucking internet.

Um, you're the one who responded to me. I pointed out you had clearly misread the OP. Get over yourself.