Lending money to a friend

[Howdyphillip]

My hard and fast rule about lending money is that I just do not do it. If I have enough to help a friend in need, I do so without expectation. If I do not have the money to give away, I just let them know that.

[Elder Sister]

Well, the bachelor party ain't the wedding. While typically less fun, the wedding is what counts. If you can't afford to go with what the group decided on for the bachelor party then you can't afford to go. I have been that person before and I would not ask someone to front the money for my ticket.

Very much this.

My hard and fast rule about lending money is that I just do not do it. If I have enough to help a friend in need, I do so without expectation. If I do not have the money to give away, I just let them know that.

And this.

[Fragile Bird]

My advice would be to do an exchange instead of a loan. By this I mean offer to buy his ticket out right but then have him take responsibility for something else, either on the trip or when you get home that is about the same price. So cover his plane ticket, and then let him cover the hotel (which he can pay for that closer to the event when he hopefully has the money, even if you've reserved it under your credit card, hotels are usually willing to charge a different card when you actually check in, however if you have to outright pay for the hotel through a third party this might not work).

This could work. If he will have money later (I'm not clear on the timing - will he have money by the time of the party?) tell him he can put an amount equal to the ticket on his credit card then.

The only people who ask me to lend them money are relatives. I lend the money, they tell me they will pay in a few months, and I never see any of it.

I still hope.

[Iskaral Pust]

If it was a negligible amount that you could afford to lose without feeling bothered, then you wouldn't have posted about it. Or if he was a totally reliable guy and you had no doubt whatsoever.

I hate the idea of personal loans like this and whenever they have come up I have either given it as a gift or said "sorry, but I can't do it".

Since it doesn't sound like either of the two conditions apply here, I suggest you choose between gift or no. I would not make a loan that will hang over you both during the trip.

I'll also chime in that weddings seem to expect a lot more of the guests. We had two receptions - one in Hawaii and one in Ireland - so that family in friends in both locations could attend without massive travel costs. Our friends in Seattle at the time were the big losers in that, but we told them not to travel and just had a casual party with them all.

People get married later now and their peers have more disposable income but it still seems to expect a lot of the guests. I wouldn't like my friends or family to feel financial stress to attend.

[zelticgar]

I'm a bit more laid back about this stuff.

I see floating the money to buy plane tickets for a bachelor party as slightly different than "lending money" to friends. I've organized bachelor parties in the past and tried to collect all money up front before booking flights. It turned into a cluster and the my brother had to get involved in tracking down some of the money because i did not know some of his friends. By time we got it worked out we had to take two separate flights and it kind of sucked. The other times I have organized bachelor party and guy trips I've just paid up front and collected the cash on the day of the party. It was a lot easier and a lot less headache. If someone stiffed me I would just catch them at the wedding or write them off as an asshole and i never had to deal with them again. If you go the float route just be very clear with everyone about bringing x amount of money to pay you back. When it comes to these things sometimes you just need to push the rock down the hill to get things started. I've found it a lot easier to just set everything up and collect the day of. That's kind of what makes a kick ass best man.

Wedding versus bachelor party - I vote bachelor party as being more important. I'm 43 and well past the days of my friends getting married and i really miss the bachelor party routine. I even find myself trying to get myself invited to my 20 something co workers bachelor parties now because of all the fun times I've had on trips and late night parties. I'll take a bachelor party over a wedding any day.

Your deadbeat friend - float the plane ticket for him and let him know that you need the money by x date (pick something reasonable). Let him know that if he cant pay you back in time you'll need to let the wedding party guys know so you can spread the float out across everyone.

[Iskaral Pust]

A tangential thought that might be helpful in the future:

My wife and I set up a small savings account where we deposit a few thousand dollars a year. Nothing major but over time it will accumulate a big balance. It's there as a secret rainy day fund for family members. Especially with both sets of parents retiring, even though they are all pretty comfortable right now, you just don't know when someone will need some big-ticket help. You know it's going to happen at some point and it will be easier to be generous if you've already set it aside.

We do the same thing with another account for charitable giving, although we empty that each year rather than accumulating.

I found it very liberating to decide a comfortable amount for these deposits and then it's mentally already spent so I don't feel any reluctance about eventually handing over the money. But of course you have to start before the first ask.

[Gramsci]

Lie and tell him you can't swing it?

This.

Like many have said, I only loan money if it is a sum whose loss I am comfortable swallowing. If it exceeds that amount, "Sorry, I can't afford to help you out right now."

As you said, you all agreed to the plans and tentative costs of this party. You have no responsibility to pick up the slack.

[White Walker Texas Ranger]

Varies a lot. Typically anywhere between $100-550 round trip depending on the origin and destination.

Can I just say how much I do not appreciate the increasing culture of planning destination shit? There are very few people for whom I would drop five bills on a plane ticket -- plus hotel costs and incidentals! -- to attend their wedding, much less their bachelor party. Unless your entire family and social groups are all Richie Rich it just seems so self-centered and presumptuous.

For me, my friends are scattered across the country, so if we have a bachelor party, it might as well be "destination" since most people will be flying no matter where we end up going.

[Fragile Bird]

A tangential thought that might be helpful in the future:

My wife and I set up a small savings account where we deposit a few thousand dollars a year. Nothing major but over time it will accumulate a big balance. It's there as a secret rainy day fund for family members. Especially with both sets of parents retiring, even though they are all pretty comfortable right now, you just don't know when someone will need some big-ticket help. You know it's going to happen at some point and it will be easier to be generous if you've already set it aside.

We do the same thing with another account for charitable giving, although we empty that each year rather than accumulating.

I found it very liberating to decide a comfortable amount for these deposits and then it's mentally already spent so I don't feel any reluctance about eventually handing over the money. But of course you have to start before the first ask.

Great ideas!

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

I've been asked by a fellow at work for money but I've never lent. He owes money all over the building and borrows to pay back other people. I've never been asked by a close friend but I would lend to a friend if they really were in a jam.

I feel the same way about borrowing honestly but I recall being in car accident and was in a bind but was too proud to ask and a friend loaned me a thousand dollars. I made sure he got back every penny though it took me a few months but I did it.

[Tears of Lys]

I've been asked by a fellow at work for money but I've never lent. He owes money all over the building and borrows to pay back other people. I've never been asked by a close friend but I would lend to a friend if they really were in a jam.

I feel the same way about borrowing honestly but I recall being in car accident and was in a bind but was too proud to ask and a friend loaned me a thousand dollars. I made sure he got back every penny though it took me a few months but I did it.

I wish everyone was like you. Unfortunately, they're not. Anytime I/we have loaned money to folks, we never see it again.

Wait. That's not right. We loaned money to my little sister for schooling. She paid back every cent.

Okay, except for her then, no one paid us back. On top of that, we've ended up losing friends because the guilt they feel over not paying money back leads them to not wanting to see us. Bad deal all around.

I have no advice for you other than to reiterate what Nestor said about telling him you're stretched really thin with this whole wedding thing. You'd like to help him out, but just can't.

It's a bit skeevy, but it's one of the few things that work.

[Pebble thats Stubby]

Investigate the cost of a refundable ticket, see if this guy can pay you the extra bit right now. If he can great then consider buying that ticket for him, if he pays you back before the flight then great. If he doesn't then cancel the ticket and you have lost nothing.

If he can't afford the extra cost of the refundable right now then I would guess there is very little chance of him being able to repay you a normal priced ticket before the party.

If this option does not suit him then tell him you can't afford to help him on his own, If he still wants help then tell him you will have to speak to the others and see if you can all split the costs of the extra ticket. - I know he does not want to do this, being short of money can be embarrassing and that's a very normal reaction, or maybe he's borrowed money from others in the group and not paid them back. But make the choice his. if this is not acceptable then he will have to drop out or arrange his own transportation at a later date.

I've lent money to friends before, small amounts I normally get back. Anything 3 digits or more then assume its gone for good. Sometimes a friend will surprise you and pay you back. From what you have said its obvious that you don't want to gift him the money.

If you refusing to loan him the money causes any issues, then tell him you have had some bad experiences in the past with lending money and although your sure he would pay you back, you have a rule, if you break the rule once it becomes hard to say no the next time someone less reliable asks.

[kairparavel]

Your deadbeat friend

What? That's a pretty broad leap based on the limited information provided, don't you think?

Anyways, if you can't arrange a bachelor party everyone can afford to attend, then I guess not everyone can attend. Or make alternate arrangements that everyone in the group can afford.

I feel like everyone probably knows this guy's financial situation if he's a groomsman and good buddies with the group. If that's the case, it's kinda crappy arranging an activity he's essentially expected to be a part of that he almost certainly couldn't afford. Regardless of any assurances that he could. Or, to put it in a different light, you Fez are clearly stressing over all the financial implications as well as friendship fallout over a loan to him to attend a bachelor party. Imagine his stress in having to ask for said loan, and the implications of his not being able to attend as a groomsman, as a friend and if he can't pay it back. Why would anyone arrange such a complicated setup for a fun night out?

[Relic]

my two cents - a friendship that ends over an unpaid sum of 500 bucks isn't much a friendship to begin with. In which case I would probably not put the money up if i were you. The option of having all the other dudes chip in is a good one, even if it's done behind the back of Groomsman X.

[Elder Sister]

my two cents - a friendship that ends over an unpaid sum of 500 bucks isn't much a friendship to begin with. In which case I would probably not put the money up if i were you. The option of having all the other dudes chip in is a good one, even if it's done behind the back of Groomsman X.

I have actually done this and had forgotten about it. My oldest friend's mother passed away and she didn't have the money to fly home. I gave her the money and never thought anything else about it. I know she would have done the same for me. But she's like family.

[Seventh Pup]

For one of my best friend's bachelorette party I and up losing about $1000. I wasn't even the maid of honor but I got stuck planning a bachelorette party. My friend invited about everybody she worked with, or knew. We ended up going to a cabaret club. The club would only allow one credit card for the tab. I let everybody know that they had to pay me back for drinks or food they got. And so that got my credit card, because I made the reservation. But there were so many people, and people I didn't know, but by the end of the night there was $1000 on my tab was unaccounted for. So I got stuck with $1000 tab. This was the same friend who got married in Hawaii, and kept telling us that she had a hook up to get us cheap airfare. But as we got it within two months of her wedding and the hookup still hadn't happened, we got told that the person who was supposed to be able to get her the deal had quit her job. It cost over $850 round trip. Between everything, I spent almost $3000 on her wedding. I joked that I spent more on her wedding that I did on my own. However this friend is like family, and she had her wedding in Hawaii because that's where all of her family is. It did take me about a year to get over the feelings of resentment. But now are thick as thieves again. Weddings are crazy, and can be very hard on friendships.

[aceluby]

my two cents - a friendship that ends over an unpaid sum of 500 bucks isn't much a friendship to begin with. In which case I would probably not put the money up if i were you. The option of having all the other dudes chip in is a good one, even if it's done behind the back of Groomsman X.

I haven't had friendships end over unpaid sums of $500+, but they sure have changed. I have little sympathy for friends/family that can't even discuss a payment plan, or outright say they will not pay you back because of 'x'.

If I loan out money now I assume I won't get it back, if I do.... awesome and I'll probably be willing the next time. If I don't get it back, it's the last time it happens. The only person who has ever paid me back the money they owed me is my mother, and it took her 2 years.

[midi]

Money is toxic to friendship. Don't lend anything more than pocket money which you don't even expect to get back to anyone is my suggestion.

In my country there is a saying which I don't know the correct english translation to, but it's something like this: "The fool is not the one who asks, but the one who gives"

You may have to run through many hoops to get your money back. Never lend any significant amount unless you want to play the part of the debt collector for the foreseeable future (and most likely ruin the friendship in the process).

No one even asks me for money anymore because they know I won't give a dime. :smoking:

[Quorra]

I leant money to a friend only once. I was smart about it, though. It was a joint investment with an online friend from Nigeria, a prince, in fact, and not only am I going to be reimbursed, but I will also be a beneficiary of the original investment of upwards of 14.8 billion.

[TerraPrime]

I am in agreement with Chats. Your obligation is to organize this and invite people, not to front the money. Of course, depending on how close you are to the groom and/or the groomsman, you may feel additional pressure to do more. I would bring it up to the groom too, and let him know. Maybe he has some ideas.