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Count Balerion

Mellow drama, unleash insane megalomaniac, v. 2

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And the rest of the HF falls into a chasm and lands in a torture chamber!

HF: NO WAY!

Narr: Sorry, dudes. Showrunners' orders.

HF: WE JUST SPENT A WHOLE SEASON IN A DUNGEON AND HALF OF ANOTHER SEASON IN A KITCHEN AND WERE ASSAULTED BY SANDSNAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Narr: OK, I'll distract the showrunners while you guys run down this corridor. It's got sentient suits of armour and portraits which attack you; but it's nothing compared to what the showrunners had planned. (to showrunners): Dig this brotherl scene with insignificant characters and gratuitous nudity!

Showrunners: DROOL!!!!!! HOT DOG!!!!!!

Narr (sotto voce): Quick, guys!

Real count: Pheweth!
#$%#
"They've totally whitewashed TJ's character," said a Ranter. "And the Count has lost all nuance and been turned into a cartoon villain."

"It's better than those crmmy books," said a showpologist.
[Hell update coming up!]

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"yOU CAN'T KILL THESE GUYS UNTIL THEY SLEEP WITH US," SAID THE sAND sNAKES TO rOOSE.
"That's OK; you'll probably kill them anyway," said Roose. "I think I'll chase the other guys to pounding melodramatic music."

"Tell me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world or I'll make you die of lust," says Tyene to no one in particular.

"No danger of that," was Roose's parting shot.
(*^^*
The Count is in hot pursuit of TJ on a lava-going battleship, from which he bombards TJ's lava-boat. "That was rather rude," he says through an intercom. "I was about to show you Hell's delightful shopping district." Barrage of torpedoes. "Remember how good it felt to sacrifice those cultists? Evil is thy only happiness! And by the way, being in hell actually increases my powers. Must be the salubrious air." (TJ meanwhile gagging at the air quality) At the same time, giant salamanders and fire-nickers [a kind of water-monster, or fire-monster in this case, not intimate apparel] try to drag TJ underfire and giant flame-jellyfish attack with their tentacles and sentient seaweed tries to strangle him with its scalding strands and there's a thunderstorm which rains fire and brimstone and pirates board his boat and make him walk the plank and demon-seagulls dive-bombed with radioactive droppings and the damned soul of a lady who'd died of unrequited love for TJ haunted him. 

"What, all at once?" Just go with the (lava-)flow, OK? 

But just when things seem most hopeless, TJ gets a telegrapg from Weyrde: 
JUST GOT YOUR MESSAGE STOP SORRY I WAS DOING A GROSS SEX SCENE AND HAVING MY CHARACTER BUTCHERED AND THEY CHANGED MY ACTRESS BECAUSE SHE COMPLAINED ABOUT BOOK CHANGES STOP ANYWAY RUHOOEY SAYS WHATEVS DUDE I ACCEPT SACRIFICE ANWAY SO NYAH STOP HANG IN THERE I'M SENDING YOU MAGIC STUFF STOP DON'T TRUST COUNT STOP HE'S TRYING TO DESTROY YOUR SOUL SO HE CAN GORGE HIMSELF ON ITS BOWELS STOP. (Under the circumstances, this last warning was perhaps hardly necessary.) [Original Asshai'i: CYBERNETICS—WHICH HAD BEEN BRIEFLY OUTLAWED UNDER STALIN FOR CONFLICTING WITH MARXISM-LENINISM—EXTENDED THE PRESUPPOSITIONS OF THERMODYNAMICS TO EVOLUTIONARY BIOLOGY, NEUROSCIENCE, ANTHROPOLOGY, AND PSYCHOLOGY. THERMODYNAMIC SYSTEMS ARE NOT SUBJECT TO DIALECTICAL TENSIONS. NOR DO THEY EXPERIENCE HISTORICAL CHANGE. THEY ONLY ACCUMULATE A REMAINDER—A KIND OF REFUSE—OR INCREASE IN ENTROPY.]

And a box of [magic] rubber bands falls on top of his head.

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Another message from Weyrde: "I'm working on the resurrection paperwork. R'hllor wants date of birth, social security number or alien registration number; but he's waiving the fee. I hope to get this done shortly; the system crashed yesterday and they have a backlog; but Im trying to get him to expedite your ticket."

Meanwhile, soe the pirates got drowned and some of the monsters fell down a plot hole.

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This telegraph came in just the nick of time: now Timjames98 had physical proof that his conscience buddy really did exist. Though if he actually waved it around at people, they'd still think he was a lunatic.

Timjames98: "Yay!"

He shot the rubber band into the air and grabbed onto it as it shot forward. Because it was magic, it shot all the way up to the ceiling and broke through to the sixth circle of The Seven Hells.

After this blast of rubble, Timjames98 found himself in a different torment. Not necessarily worse or less horrific, just different. Would you rather be stewed in hot lava or frosted in temperatures well below absolute 0?

Timjames98: "Curses! Now I'm going to have to explain why the boat is broken! But if I can find Cruel Maegor then I'm sure Cersei won't notice." *puts hands around his mouth so as to project his voice.* "Maegor! Margar Targaryen! Are you there?"

In walks two Targaryens dressed in black armor. One was thin and looked like wimpy, the other was big and had arms like tree trunks.

Rhaegar: "Did you call for me?"

Timjames98: "No, I called for Maegar. Not Rhaegar, Maegar."

Maelys: "Me?"

Timjames98: "That doesn't even sound like Maegar! And you're not a Targaryen, you're a blackfyre."

Rhaegar: "Hey! We have the same great-great-great grandfather!"

Timjames98: "Why are you in The Hells?"

Showrunners: "If you think we're going to reveal that big secret, you're dead wrong."

Maelys: "Yeah; he's here for unrelated reasons. Turns out Rhaegar liked little boys."

Timjames98: "Is that why Viserys has a panic attack whenever he hears harp music?"

Showrunners: "Yes. Also, ignore the fact that Viserys never had panic attacks before. We make stuff up and it's canon now."

Cheese: "Yeah! Oh, I also have a good joke."

Rhaegar: "Shoot."

Maelys: "I bet it will be funny."

Cheese: "How many Tywin Lannister's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

Timjames98: "How many?" 

Cheese: "None. The only thing he's capable of screwing is himself."

We all have a good laugh at this joke, which Tywin Lannister is the butt of. The Stranger dictated that Tywin be the butt of all jokes in The Seven Hells, and so it was.

Lord Roger Reyne: *in The Seventh Heaven* "Ha! That one always cracks me up!!!"

Timjames98: "Well, I promised Cersei I'd find Maegor the Cruel for her. Do any of you know where he is? Also, do any of you know we are?"

Rhaegar: "We'd be glad to give you directions. Right now you're in The Sixth Circle, for Scheming Rat-Fucks. You just got out of The Seventh Circle, which is for Self-Absorbed Human Landfills."

Timjames98: "Isn't there some overlap?"

Cheese: "Oh, there is. The Seven Hells are like a tour with no end. Next week I'll be touring The Second Circle to watch Shagwell do his bee dance."

Maelys: "It's where demons put bees underneath his skin and cause him to dance about in horrific agony for eighty decades. 

Rhaegar: "If you want to find Maegor the Cruel, you'll need to go to The Fifth Circle which is for Mass-Murderers. He'll be in the same tenement complex Khal Moro, Khal Mengo, and Khal Horro. They're the three Khals who orchestrated the Sarnor Genocide."

Cheese: "Remember, if you see see Ser Criston Cole crucified upside down in front of a gate made of brimstone, you've gone too far. That gate marks The Third Circle. that circle is for Pedophiles, Rapists, and Creepy Locusts. Though there's a show there where a demon shoves a road flair up Lyn Corbray's urethra."

Timjames98: "... I think I'll just find Maegor the Cruel."

Cheese: "You can take the Suffering Subway. The tunnel's a giant intestine, and acid flows through the windows." 

Timjames98: "Lovely."

So he boarded the subway, and began the journey through The Seven Hells.

 

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.

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plot hole.

While Bloodraven and Bittersteel are ... *ahem* ... distracting the Sand Snakes, and while the rest of the Heroic Fellowship is escaping, Mya Stone is having an adventure of her own. 

Mya Stone: *using her Lightning Sword to vaporize swaths of Others*  "This must be a shocking experience for you!"

Audience Member: UGH! I HATE PUNS!

Mya: "There's still too many ... I can't wipe them out."

At that moment, a giant eagle landed down and ripped on of The Others in half.

Mya: "That's not all that helpful."

Eagle: "All Baratheons have control over Lightning and Storms, as did all Durradons before them."

*cuts to an image of The Battle of The Trident, where Robert shooting electricity out of his fingers and at Rhaegar. In this image, Robert is also wearing a black hood*

Eagle: "You must reunite the Baratheon Bastards in order to shock all of these Others to death."

Mya: "Where do I start?"

Eagle: "You need a Blacksmith, a mule herder, a whore, a whore's daughter, and a knight."

Mya: "Ok. So I just need to find-"

Eagle: "You also need to find an Iron Throne Claimant thinks his father is someone other than it is."

Mya: " ... ok." *waits for the eagle to finish*

Eagle: *silent*

Mya: "So I just need-"

Eagle: "Want an RC cola?"

Mya: "NO!" 

With that, Mya left the Eagle there and began wandering The Realm in search of her lost kin.

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Meanwhile, TJ is sitting on an infernal train next to an arch-bore; and, as Tyrion pointed out, the only thing worse than a bore is a damned bore. "I betrayed everyone I loved and blasphemed GRRM's books by writing a fanfic anime.  My sins reduced me to an abysm of despair; so I committed suicide, believing that death would be a release.  It wasn't.  Now my fanfic anime plays over and over in my head.  Would you like to hear it?  It might pass the time while we are digested and defecated by this train.

The Count has been pursuing TJ upwards, recruiting a demon-host on the way. "Would you care to join me?" he asked Rhaegar, Maelys, and Cheese.

"No thanks," said Rhaegar. "It's bad enough that the show runners made me a paedophile, without becoming one of your myrmidons on top of it.  Although I suppose it could be worse: at least I'm dead.  Anyway, no."
"Sure, why not?" said Maelys.
"Nah, I kinda like TJ," said Cheese.

So the Count and his demon army turned into demon worms and dug after the Suffering Subway.  The Count warged the subway's intercom and made it broadcast interminable doggerel messages urging TJ to turn evil: "Would you, could you, in a house?  Would you, could you, with a mouse?"
**&&*(^%
At Highgarden, the siege has become desperate. Surre, Sam is killing Others right, left, and centre; but as soon as one dies, a billion more rise up!  This is because when they fall into Hell, they meet the Count, who promptly sends them back up with an army of demon-Others.
*%$##
Darth Sansa is back on the air! She got through by pretending to be an extreme pro-Balerionist, while reducing all Balerionist arguments ad absurdum. "I think everyone should be wiped out, because they're all anti-Count traitors! Even Deadly once moldly disagreed with the Count. He must die!" Only, of course, she was funnier than that.#[email protected]@
Speaking of Deadly, he has flushed GRRM's books down the Count's infernal Commode! They are now speeding their way down into Hell, to be destroyed--or worse! Utterly corrupted and travestied!

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The depths of insanity in The Count's Blatherings were like nails being hammered into TimJames98's skull, and the worst part was that he would be unable to listen to Carl's Anime Fanfiction. In an act of desperation, TimJames98 threw himself from the window and landed on the intestine-train's acidic tracks. The train ran over TimJames98, ripping his legs clean off.

TimJames98: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(this goes on for 17 more hours)

Once this painful process was done, TimJames98 tried sticking Weyrde's Magic Rubber Bands into his stumps. Suddenly, this caused his legs to grow back the same as they were before. 

Audience: "No fair! Legs don't heal that way!"

Showrunner: "Allow me to tell you the motto of Cliche University, which is where I earned my Doctorate in Adaptation Entropy. 'Fuck The Source Material!'. Words to live by."

TimJames98: "Huh? It seems this rubber band is a Dues Ex Machina. Neat."

Walking in constant pain (the rubber bands heal legs, but they don't numb pain), The Heroic Necromancer TimJames98 reached a massive gate made of brimstone. 

Outside of the gate was Ser Criston Cole, crucified upside down and screaming eternally in agony. There were rusty nails impaled through several random points in his body, and a demon imp was electrocuting him with a car battery every hour.

TimJames98: "Dammit! I must have gone too far!"

Criston Cole: "AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

TimJames98: "Tell me about it. Public transportation, amIright?"

Criston Cole: "It huuuuuuuuurrrrrrrttttttttssssssss!!!!!"

TimJames98: "I know. The subway system's lack of concern regarding cutomer service is emotionally hurtful."

Criston Cole: "No, I mean I am literally in agonizing torture!"

TimJames98: "I can relate: the subway ride was mildly annoying, and I wasn't able to listen to a crappy anime fanfiction."

Car-Battery Imp: "Actually, the Seven Hells move and shuffle around all the time. Like Continental Drift, except instead of being gradual it happens every day. You can hear about it at the boring lecture in The Circle of Rapists, pedophiles, and Creepy Creeps. It comes right after the show where a demon shoves a serrated fork up Lyn Corbray's Urethra."

TimJames98: "How long does that last?"

Car-Battery Imp: "When you hear the wail, there will be three hours and 365 years of Urethra-Fork action." *electrocutes Criston Cole with car battery.*

Criston Cole: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Please ... you have it in your power to end this ..."

TimJames: "Sorry: you deserve this. Plus, I think you're over-estimating how much power I have here. All my Strings and Connections are in The Land of The Living."

Ignoring The Kingmaker's begging and screams of agony, TimJames98 entered The Third Circle. There, he saw a large crowd of scumbags watching Lyn Corbray get tortured by demons. The demons putting on the show were wearing those Dandy 1920s Straw Hats.

Lyn Corbray: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

Shrike: "Yeah! Twist the fork!"

TimJames98: "Excuse me sir. Do you know how to get to The Fifth Hell?"

Shrike: "I dunno. Ask that Dragon-Fucker over there! Anyway, I'm late for a torment in which demons shove lighter fluid down my eyelids and light it on fire."

Before leaving for his appointment, Shrike pointed to a muscular man with white hair and a nasty grimace. 

TimJames98: " ... Maegor the Cruel?"

Maegor: "Oh, hello. I was just collecting my dough. Blood bet that Lyn would get a road flair, I bet he'd get an eating utensil."

Blood: "I still think I should have won." *hands Maegor Hell Money, which screams whenever you hold it and is not worth having as everything you can buy in The Hells is absolute horror*

TimJames98: "Maegor the Cruel, you are just the person I was looking for. Are you single?"

Maegor: "No thanks. You look alright, but I'm not a fa-"

TimJames98: "That word is not acceptable anymore! Things have gotten a little bit more progressive since 42 AC."

No, they haven't. There's a statue of Randyll Tarly standing in Oldtown Park, commemorating how he stood in front of a schoolhouse door to prevent Meera and Jojen from going to the same school as Andal children. "Alligator-Fucker" and "Sneaky Dothraki Doo-Doo Head" are both still legal terms. 300 AC is in no way a post-bigotry era.

Maegor: "I'm an anti-clerical dictator with the blood of ten thousand martyrs on my hands, do you think I care about political correctness?"

TimJames98: "I wasn't asking about me. What I meant was that there's this hot Lannister Gal who's super into you. Here's her picture." *shows Margor a picture of Cersei*

Maegor: "Dammmmmm ..."

TimJames98: "Shall I arrange a date for the two of you? I hear Cafe La Monstro is a romantic setting?"

Maegor: "Oh good. I hear they serve good Stew Of Bad Son."

Stew Of Bad Son is a soup served only in The Seven Hells. It is made by boiling Hagon "the Heartless" Hoare in agonizingly high temperatures for all of eternity, causing his tears to salt the broth. It tastes awful, yet Count Balerion drinks it by the gallon whenever he is sick or feels the temperature is too cold. 

After TimJames98 made the arrangements, he got a table at the resturant next door so as to watch them and see how the date was going. It was at this point where Count Balerion caught up with TimJames98.

TimJames98: "Ha! While you were chasing me around, I found the time to play match maker. Cersei Lannister and Maegor Targaryen are on a date at Cafe La Monstro. I'm not listening via bugs, but from here it looks pretty tastefully romantic."

---

Maegor: "You look like my seventh wife."

Cersei: "You were only married six times."

Maegor: "I know."

---

TimJames98: "I bet there's a real tasteful scene in the works-"

As he said this, Maegor ripped Cersei's cloths off and they started doing it. On the table. In full view of everyone in the Cafe, and anyone who might be watching them across the street.

TimJames98: "Hmm ... It seems that went too well. In any case, would you like some Soup Of Bad Son?" *holds up bowl of soup*

Hagon "the Heartless" Hoare: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

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Meanwhile ...

... Mya Stone's quest to reunite her bastard siblings has led her to a cave on an island in the middle of The Riverlands Sea. 

Mya: "The Brain Storms lead me here ... my brother must be in that cave."

When she entered the cave, she saw lots of blacksmith tools laying around as well as fliers for The Metelworkers Union. 

Mya: "Hello?"

She reached the end of the cave and saw a man with a surly desposition, hammering on a bolt of lightning.

Gendry: "Who are you?"

Mya: "I'm your sister."

Gendry did not doubt this. He simply shrugged.

Gendry: "My Momma was a bit of a slut back in the day." *goes back to work*

Mya: "Are you smithing on Lightning bolts?"

Gendry: "Yes. Why?"

Mya: *shoots the wall with her lightning sword* "Come with me, help me save the world. We gotta kill Count Balerian's Ice Troopers!"

Gendry: "Count Balerion!?? That asshole kidnapped Arya! We have to stop him!"

Mya: "Do you have feelings for Arya?"

Gendry: "Ask me again when she's 16; before that I refuse to answer any questions."

So it was that Mya and Gendry went off to track down the rest of their siblings. 

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The Count: "Yumm!!!!!!!! You're too kind. It's a pity you're my deadly enemy and the foe of everything I stand for. The cuisine here is ... well, I already used the "to die for" pun. But anyway, it's exquisite. Waiter! A side-order of mashed souls, please!"

[more later.]

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The sex scene between Maegor and Cersei lasted about a third of the episode and was revolting, as both of them were sickos. Not to dis sadists; but really. It was followed by a scene in which Batfinger did sexposition to Foxe and Soxe, who at least managed to be hot. But even the showpologists began to wonder if there wasn't too much of a good thing; and as for the ranters, 12 of them died of heart attacks.
*&^^^$#
The Count poured a glass of Cruel Claret (made by trampling the souls of the damned for 153,456,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,001 years, and then distilling the essence of pure agony of hate) for himself and one for TJ, and continued. "Yes, you really should turn evil. Yes, you'd end up being damned; but the Seven Heavens are probably boring anyway, and you'd have much more power and money. Join me, and when I've conquered the universe I'll give you a planet to rule over. Oppose me, and I fear we'll have to have a titanic epic war involving whole worlds, and of course you will be utterly defeated and we will have to annihilate your soul (strictly in the way of business; nothing personal), whch would be a bother."

At this moment GRRM's books came crashing down on their heads. "How oportune," said the Count. "I can now destroy these lies for once and for all." The Count's demon-host snickered,

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Moral Guardians: "Ugh! Can you believe this episode has sixteen hours of Maegor plowing Cersei? I mean, you can see everything! I'm so shocked I can't look away." *secretly DVRs the entire scene*

TimJames98: "Damn ... say what you will, they certainly have a lot of stamina."

Maegor: *gets off of Cersei, runs across the street to the Timjames98's table, and picks up the Soup Timjames98 offered to Count Balerion* "Need more energy!" *downs the entire cauldron of soup, runs back across the street, and resumes plowing Cersei nine ways to Sunday*

Timjames98: "Waiter, another round of soup for my mortal enemy."

Waiter: "Way ahead of you." *puts fresh bowls of Soup Of Bad Son on the table* 

Timjames98: "Good man."

Waiter: "Not really; I raped and murdered 8 year old girls during The Tumbleton Massacre. I almost got away with it -cozy holdfast, wife at home who was none the wiser-  but twelve years later some bandits ambushed me on the road. They were gonna ransom me, but one of them was a Tumbleton Survivor who recognized me. Needless to say they instead decided to torture me for months on end, turning the last months of my life into horrific agony while extracting information as to the identities of other knights who participated in The Sack of Tumbleton. The bandits swore they would hunt down and kill those I identified, and then they ripped me limb-from-limb with their horses. Now my entrails are on this restaurant's secret menu, and I am doomed to suffer eternal torment as punishment for my foul sins."

Timjames98: "Oh yeah, I saw a movie about that: Tumbleton Terror. I believe DiCaprio plays the Survivor, and I know for sure Quentin Tarantino directed it."

Audience: *looks it up on Idiot Phones* "Holy Shit, Quentin Tarantino and Leonardo DiCaprio actually made an epic movie about a survivor of The Sack of Tumbleton hunting down and violently murdering the knights responsible! Just for that one skit two Hollywood Bigshots spent 273 Million Dollars on a movie nobody is going to see! Oh wait, it says here The Showrunners are going to release it anyway because GRRM decided to take a break from finishing the series so as to go to India to find himself."

Showrunners: "Tumbleton Terror, in theaters now!"

Timjames98:"Anyway, I like my waiters to be quiet. So now I'm going to tell your manager. He'll tell me it's good that you're annoying, because it's The Seven Hells, but he'll also punish you harshly."

Waiter: "That's right. Now eels are going to slither into my eye sockets and eat me from the inside out." *that happens* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

Timjames98: "Anyway County Count, I appreciate the offer but I think I'm gonna go in another career direction. Plus, I kinda want to keep these books safe. Being evil just isn't as rewarding as being good. Though I can still be a lovable jerk every once and awhile without hurting my Karma." *gets up and leaves*

Timjames98: *to waiters* "Count Balerion said he'd pay the bill!" *to Count Balerion* "I ordered the Lobster Bisque A La Spiked Cart. It wasn't cheap."

While Count Balerion was distracted, he headed back to The Sixth Circle to find Rhaegar and Cheese. He realized he would have to close all the portals to The Hells from the inside to prevent Count Balerion from sending Others out or from escaping. To do that, he'd need their help. Even if Cheese murdered a child in front of his mother, and even if Rhaegar molested his younger brother Viserys.

Suddenly, Timjames98's phone started ringing. 

Timjames98: "Hello?"

Rhaegar: "Allegedly. I only allegedly molested my younger brother. I was found not-guilty in a court of law."

Timjames98: "You got off by saying 'If the Glove don't fit, you must acquit'. Then the glove fit perfectly. "

Rhaegar: "Still found not guilty in a court of law."

Timjames98: "And convicted by a higher court." *makes the sign of the Seven-Pointed Star with his hand* " By the way, I need you and Cheese to help me with something. I won't tell you, it's a surprise." *hangs up*

Book Purist: "Rhaegar never molested his brother in the books."

Show Fanatic: "The show says so, so it must be true!"

Book Purist: "The books and the show are not the same."

Show Fanatic: "I think they are! Plus I hate reading because I was held back 3 years in school!"

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Unfortunately, Rhaegar's actor complained to the showrunners about how his character had been manhandled. "Rhaegar may not be perfect; but he's the last thing from such filthy perversions as you've saddled him with!"

"Neener-neener! LOSER!" said the showrunners. So the actor posted sarcastic stuff about them to his blog and gave interviews where he said they sucked.
(*&&&**
A thrilling chase scene through Hell! CB pursues TJ via demon-horse, hell-icopter, fireplane, and damned-soul-ship! POUNDING STACCATO MUSIC! And then ...
[more presently]

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The Count had actually not been all that distracted, and managed to catch up (along with his demon-host). "I wasn't done with you, yet," he said sternly. Why do you think the showrunners put us together in Hell? It wasn't so you could have a lesirurely stroll and make friends." He paused melodramatically, and whipped out his weapon for the first round: the 3,714th Areo Hotah chapter. "Our first epic battle begins now. I challenge you to single combat!"

The Stranger stood as referee. "The contestants shall hit each other on the heads with GRRM's books", he said. "Choose your seconds."

"Aerys Targaryen, Second of His Name," said the Count.

"This entire fight is in 3D", said the showrunners. "Awesome or what?"

"Holy SPECIAL EFFECTS, Batman!" said a Shownut.

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Realizing that he would have to win this first duel before he could trap Count and himself in The Hells, he gathered his strength and stamina. Despite feeling that his intensive suffering was thoroughly melodramatic, Timjames98 still was ready to fight.

Timjames98: "I shall wield the AGOT Holiday Special, the most deadly thing GRRM has ever produced!"

Show Fanatics: "AGH! Even I don't like the Holiday Special!"

Book Purist: *commits seppuku.*

Timjames98: "As my second, I call Khal Drogo, son of Khal Bharbo!"

Having said this, a long electric guitar solo echoed through The Seven Hells. Funfact: Electric Guitar and Violin are the only instruments allowed in The Seven Hells.

Drogo: "Who Am I Killin'!!!"

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The Count wargs a deadly virus! TJ is dying! (even though he's sort of already dead!

"That is not an allowed weapon," said the Stranger. "Ser Tym Jaime gets a penalty hit. Also, his death by trollsbane-rickets doesn't count, so he's no more dead than he was."

"Meanie!" said the count. "As usual, no one cares about Me."

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The Count wargs a deadly virus! TJ is dying! (even though he's sort of already dead!

TimJames98: I'm not dead, I went to The Hells while still alive. Though as the chief mind in The Field of Necromancy, death is just a meaningless word.

Having finished that clarification, TimJames98 does a roundhouse kick and knocks Count Balerion square in the face. Large cartoon letters spelling out BAM! flew out into the air from goddam nowhere! 

Meanwhile, in the terminals of the portals leading from The Hells to the world, Rhaegar and Cheese were busy at work placing boxes at the bases of the portals. Well ... Rhaegar was doing this off-screen because the actor who played him was still negotiating with the Showrunners over the butchering of his character (they were negotiating how much said actor's self-respect was worth in American Currency).

Cheese: "I don't know what TimJames98 wants these brown boxes near the portals, but moving them is fun. Almost as fun as stomping on rats and murdering innocent children in front of their mothers!"

White Walker (waiting in line): "Grrrrrrrr! Why do we need a TSA for the line to invade the overworld!"

The Stranger (via intercom): "These are The Seven Hells, they're supposed to suck."

 

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****I came here just to say that even if I have not the faintest idea what this thread means and how it works it is one of the funniest thread I have seen in a long time. Keep up the good work!****

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****I came here just to say that even if I have not the faintest idea what this thread means and how it works it is one of the funniest thread I have seen in a long time. Keep up the good work!****

Thank you!

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It was originally meant to be people saying melodramatic stuff. Then it turned into this weird story/pseudo-p*ss*ng contest. We're glad someone's amused by it besides ourselves!

%^*((*^$

The Count, being foiled in trying to kill TJ and then being reduced to a character in the old Batman show, fights back with the Disney version of ASOIAF, in which the Stark kids sing a cute song with their direwolves.

In the books, the Stranger had pondered the conundrums of death, damnation, and live people in the 7 Hells; but that got cut out of the show because it's "boring".

(%&&&&

At each portal of the 7 Hells, the Count's henchman Deadly has stationed sentries with pneumatic drills. These drills are pneumatic not only in the physical sense but also in the sense of Greek pneuma "spirit". "This is getting deep!" said the audience.

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