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Count Balerion

Mellow drama, unleash insane megalomaniac, v. 2

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Showrunners: "Narrator, we want product placements in this show. We're not making enough dough!"

Narrator: "But ... HBO is commercial-free subscriber service!"

Showrunners: "Product placements are technically not commercials. Do not mddle in matters beyond your ken! Just do as you're told. And for starters, make sure the next time someone drinks something, it's Cokewine. When Weyrde resurrects TJ, make sure he drives out in a Targyota."

Narr.: **groan**

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On 1/24/2016 at 5:21 PM, Count Balerion said:


"OK," said the Count. "You want a battle of wits? Let's see who can perform the worst desecration upon GRRM's books!" And he promptly turned them into porn about Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

TimJames: *aside* "gross"

Fortunately the only book Count Balerion messed up was the crummy sequel which nobody liked anyway (it replaced the magic with bacteria).

Jar Jar Stinks: "Noo! Count Balooboo! You're erasing Meesa from existence!" *McFlys out of existence*

TimJames: "On second thought, I'd rather solve my problems by punching them."

With that, he promptly punched the Nasty Count in the gut.

Khal Drogo: *brightens up at prospect of violence* "I'll rip their throats out!!!"

While Khal Drogo ripping out the throats of various demons, TimJames grabbed the books out of Count Balerion's hands.

TimJames: "Yeah! Now I have the books, and this does not help me because they are still in The Hells. With me. And only a contrived coincidence can help me now!!!"

*&%*&^@*^%&(^%*@&^$*(&@^$(*%

Meanwhile, at The Temple of the Lord of Light in Volantis, a low-level Red Celestial Bureaucrat named Terry of Tolos was reviewing the Resurrection Form Weyrde sent in on behalf of TimJames.

Terry of Tolos: "Let's see ... man of science ... studied Necromancy ... heroic sacrifice ... needs a second lease on life ... yep, he meets the requirements." *stamps approval for resurrection, but accidentally places it in the ' 'ascension' ' file*

*&*$&@^*^()&^(*%

Having done this, TimJames and the books he was clutching began to float upwards. 

Cersei: "Thanks for introducing me to Maegor."

TimJames: "Be sure to invite me to the wedding."

Cheese: "Hah! That's my boy!"

Rhaegar: "I'd cheer but my lungs are full of hammer bits."

TimJames: "I'll remember to write you guys."

False-Septon Utt: "That's not fair, why does HE get a second chance?"

TimJames rose higher and higher until he reached the surface ... but then he kept rising higher!?!? 

TimJames: "Wait! That was my stop back there! Oh no, them must have put my files in the Ascension Pile. The Seven Heavens are nice, I'm sure, but my companions still need me!"

Oh No! No TimJames will need to contact The Father (or Rhllor, depending on who is in charge up there) and get him to return him to The World to complete the task of defeating The Others.

$&*^*&%&^$*&%$*

Back in The Seven Hells, morale was low due to seeing one of them having escaped. In fact, the only person who was really happy was The Stranger: morale was at record lows! 

The Stranger: "Aw Yeah! This is a new misery record!"

However, just when the audience was lulled into a false sense of security, Shrike approached Count Balerion with an offer.

Shrike: "I hate Seven-Worshipers. And Rhllor-Worshipers. And anyone who does not worship The Drowned God. Also, I want to brutally mutilate and torture Asha and Theon as they both abandoned The Old Ways in favor of worshiping The Weirwood Gods. I will contact Eurion Greyjoy on The Surface, and together he and I will work together to transfer your spirit into the body of The Deep One. What say you?"

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On 1/26/2016 at 3:20 PM, Count Balerion said:

Narr.: **groan**

I know, I know: contrivances are annoying. 

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1 hour ago, TimJames said:

I know, I know: contrivances are annoying. 

Especially when they involve really bad puns.

"He's flying up on Westerosi Eagle(R)," said the showrunners. "And in the 7 Heavens, he drinks 7-Up."

"Who's the narrator here?" said the narrator.

"You are," said the showrunners. "Say what we just said."

"He's flying up on Westerosi Eagle(R)," grumped the narrator.. "And in the 7 Heavens, he drinks 7-Up." He gives TJ  "don't blame me" look.

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"He cheated," complained the Count. "We were supposed to hit each other on the
head with GRRM's books, not punch each other. And he didn't use wits like he
said he would."


"I'll send a note to the rest of the Seven about your complaint," the Stranger
told the Count.

"Well?" said Shrike. "Do you or do you not want to become a tentacled monster
and get revenge?"

"Oh rihgt, sorry," said the Count. "On the one hand, I'm technically not dead
yet. And I'm bound to win, because I'm a Villain Sue and the showrunners love me
..."

"That's our guy!" said the showrunners. "Yeah! We subvert tropes ..."

"Topoi," grumbled the narrator, who was a pedant. "Tropes are figures of
speech.TV Tropes is aumsing, but has a lot to answer for. Clichés is what you
mean. Besides, you don't."

"Shut up," said the showrunners.

"Anyway," continued the Count. "On the other hand, I've always wanted tentacles. And it would get even with Cthulhu for not being my friend anymore because he claims I'm too evil. Not to mention that I love torture and mutilation:

Torture and suffering and cruel mutilation,
pain that is worse than the pain of damnation,
victims a-burning all tied up in string:
these are a few of my favourite things!

So you're on, Shrike-dude! Get it? Euron? You're on?" *GROAN* said the damned. "Have them raise me in Penguinos in the far south, so I can collect an army of demon-penguun Others. TJ MUST BE DESTROYED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And all the Seven Hells rang with his voice.

"You're stupid," said Rhaegar. "I'm on TJ's side. If I get resurrected, I'm
going to help him defeat evil."

"Whatevs," said the Count. "Soon Lady Blizzardborn's heart wiill be mine to gnaw!"

"Just remember, per the deal I get your soul after all this," said the Stranger.

"Better you than the Sand Snakes," shrugged the Count. "My soul is the excretum of the Void, anyway."
***
"Who's Lady Blizzardborn?" said a noob.

"Only the catalyst," said a forum snob scornfully.
^&**&%%%$$
The rest of the Seven were in Heaven.

"The Father is smoking a Prince Rhaegar cigar," said the showrunners.

"I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT!!!" said the Father. "What do you think I am?!!!?!"

"Stupid, like everything religious," said the showrunners. "Religion sux."
*scene of Sapton Meribald rescuing prostitutes to sad music because the prostitutes LIKED working in a brothel*

"I'm not sure we can recognise this Fire-Demon form," said the Father.

"He did carry out an heroic sacrifice," pinted out the Mother.
**%%$%^ &&&&%$^&*(
"I WANNA BE THE THIRD HEAD OF THE DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Faegon.

"Oh, all right," said Dany and Tyrion. "Maybe you'll fall off on the way to Westeros and we can get someone better."

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When TimJames entered The Seven Heavens, he stepped through the Gates of Paradiso. Ready to greet him was a familiar man; an old man who had as much magic as he had wisdom (he's also force-sensitive).

TimJames could not believe what he was seeing, but it had to be true.

TimJames: "Osgrey?"

Osgrey the White: "It is I."

The last time Osgrey was seen, his throat was being ripped out by Ramsay Snow's bloodhound. Yet here he stood, throat intact and strong as ever. Of course, it should be as no surprise that virtuous Osgrey would qualify for admission to The Seven Heavens, but even so TimJames was unsure if he'd ever see his friend again. 

TimJames: "Ramsay killed you. I shouldn't have left you behind, I am sorry-"

Osgrey the White: "Worry not; I was willing to give my life so you might continue your mission. That is what friends do."

TimJames: "I need help: Count Balerion is trying to destroy humanity. I must stop him, but I can only do that if I am given another chance."

Osgrey the White: "I have given aid to you and Bran Stark. I shall continue to guide him towards his destiny as Sword of Winter."

TimJames: "Sword of Winter?"

Osgrey the White: "You see, Bran is a son of prophecy. Bran is a descendant of The Shannara Bloodline."

TimJames: "But I thought Bran was a Stark."

Osgrey: "He is a Stark on his father's side. His mother was Catelyn Tully. Her mother was a Shannara."

TimJames: "I always knew there was something special about Bran. It's a good thing Jojen and Meera Reed helped him transfer his consciousness into Gregor's body."

Osgrey: "In order to get returned to the land of the living, you must find The Father. Go to The Seventh Heaven and find Harmund III Hoare; he will accompany you through the other six and help you find The Father. I must stay here at the gate to ensure the righteous have good fortune."

So TimJames set out to find the gallant man who would guide him through this realm.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Meanwhile in Essos, Jon Connington had a new lease on life. He got his test results back, and the doctors told him he was going to live: Jon Connington responded well to treatment, and his Greyscale has gone into full remission and is likely to remain that way for the rest of his life. JonCon looked forward to telling his friends and family, but little did he know that they had a surprise party prepared for him.

Jon Connington stepped into his home in Pentos, but when he flipped the light on he saw all his friends and loved ones gathered. A large banner hung over the wall reading "Greyscale can't beat The Red Griffin!".

All: "Surprise!"

Jon Connington: "I can't take all the credit: you guys were with me every step of the way."

Ageon Storm (who died his hair black after learning that he was the son of Robert rather than the son of Rhaegar): "Things wouldn't be the same without you."

Tristifir Botley: "You're an inspiration!"

Jon Connington: "You must be Ser Rolly Duckfield's new squire. He told me about you, and I'm glad to meet you in person now."

Tristifir Botley: "When Eurion Greyjoy murdered my father, I didn't think I'd ever be happy again. But then Big Brothers Big Sisters of Westeros told me that a kind man needed a new Squire. Ever since then Rolly's been there for me."

Jon Connington: "I am sorry about what happened to your father. Sawane Botley was a truly great guy."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lest you get lulled into a false sense of security by the touching scene above, trouble is still brewing in The Iron Islands.

In a large pen, thousands of slaves were crammed together in cruel conditions. Had they been cute pet animals, an organization would have made commercials to protect them: sadly, there is no Humane Society for Humans. 

From his tower in Pyke, Eurion communicated with the dead Drowned Man Shrike. He did thus using a medium.

Eurion: "I have been purchasing slaves by the thousands, filling the cattle pens of The Iron Islands."

Shrike: "Good; once you have 1,000,000 slaves, take them to Lonley Light. I will lead you through the rest of the ritual from there."

Eurion: "Count Balerion will arise in a new form, and we shall ride his coat-tails to power!"

Shrike: "We will kill everyone who isn't a radical adherent to The Old Ways!"

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Meanwhile, Deadly, Walder, Roose, and Aerion Brightflame were met together in council in Castle Cruel, the Count's headquarters.

Brightflame: "Now that the Count is dead, I, the dragon, should lead us!"

Deadly: "Don't be a fool!  The Count is being revived in a barbaric ritual by Euron.  In the meantime, he left me in charge."

Roose: "We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately."

Walder: "I have a plan.  Let's invite the rebels in the Reach to a wedding!"
*&^$$%%
To backtrack a little, who should wave to TJ from the Mountain of Purgatory but our old friend Dirk! "Hey pal!  Say something nice for me to the Seven, will ya?"

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"Honoured Involuntary Cell Patrons! This is an announcement."

500,000 captives in Castle Cruel's dungeon pricked up their ears, or at least those less utterly weighed down by despair did. "We have good news and bad news. The bad news is that your compulsory ocupancy is being terminated."

"Yay!" said those captives who were naïve enough to think this actually meant they would be released.

"The good news is that your status has been upgraded to merchandise. You will be conveyed to the Iron Islands via demon-vulture post, and there employed in the Evil Overlord Regalvanization Programme! You will contribute both to our cashflow augmentation and to the organization's core mission of evil optimaization through subjecting the universe to Count Balerion's unfettered initiative control expansion over the world! It's win-win!"

"Yay?" said the captives. In the event, they did get something out of it, as their hosts were in too much of a hurry to collect the dough and expedite the Count's new lease on life (this being his 6th life out of 9) to torture them much.

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Batfinger turned up in the Reach, smirking complacently as usual. "The Regency has decided upon a truce, and would like to extend an invitation as token of its good will. Your friends Bittersteel and Bloodraven have asked for the hand of the Sand Snakes in marriage ("What??!!" said the audience), and we think that would be a fitting occasion to suspend hostilities and lay the foundations for a better future for Westeros."

"Yon Count Badguy hath usurpéd my title," quoth the real Count. (You will recall that "Count Balerion" is really Count Badguy, the product of a test-tube experiment gone horribly wrong, and that the true Count was locked in the dungeons and enchanted to think he was Sir Duncan the Tall, despite being only 5'8", and subsequently learned his true identity and escaped with a bunch of other goodguys; it was recapped in the flashback at the beginning of this episode.)

"We will be happy to consider any alleged grievances in final negotiations," said Batfinger. [he has plot armour, so can't be killed or mutilated or burnt--yet]
@##$$$##
"No, Drogon," said Dany. "We need to head *west* so we can free Westeros from Balerion's tyranny."

"Somehow, I can't imagine Aegon the Conqueror having this problem," said Tyrion.

"I NEED TO GO PODDY!" said Faegon.

"Wouldn't a scene with the dragons going poddy be *awesome*?" said the showrunners.

"This is too gross even for me," said a show fan.

"It's grosser in the books," said a showpologist.

"Well, may as well clean up Qarth as long as we're here," sighed Dany.

So they did. In more senses than one.

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In addition to being Queen of Meereen, Daenerys Targaryen was also Secretary-General of the Essosi Union, Head of The Organizing Committee for the Olympics in The World of Ice and Fire, and holder of various other philanthropic positions. 

She kept on hoping that she could eventually head to Westeros, but the paperwork piles and lists of things she had to do in Essos first kept piling up.

Ser Darry: "Daenerys, I have good news. We'll be able to go to Westeros soon."

Daenerys: "My adoptive father, this IS good news. When will we be heading west?"

Ser Darry: "At this rate, we will head west in ... 82 years."

Daenerys: "This administrative stuff is boring! Remind me to form a committee to appoint a chooser to select someone to head a committee to launch an inquiry into the rumored bureaucratic excessive."

Show Purist: "When will she kill more slavers?"

Book Loyalist: "You think this is bad? One of the books in the series was just called 'committees' and it was devoted specifically to explaining how the Essosi Union works."

Show Purist: "They did that in the intro: the background for the beginning credits was the organization chart."

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And you people who are complaining that bureaucracy isn't melodramatic oviously haven't watched this. The sinister music ... the chiaroscuro lighting ... the screams of "Move to adjourn and send to committee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ... the chair-werewolves ... It was extreme.

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In The Seventh Heaven, TimJames found Harmund III dancing with his beloved Ashara Dayne. Though those two were born centuries apart, in the afterlife they found each other and fell in love. Neither bore the scars of their Earthly Suffering; above both of their heads were golden halos.

Harmund III: "My fair Ashara, you are the most beautiful woman in my world."

Ashara: "My dearest Harmund, you are truly a paragon of chivalry and virtue."

TimJames: *approaches them both, gets down on his knees, and pleads* "Oh Galland Harmund, I am in need of your aid? If you would, guide me through The Seven Heavens to The Father Above All!"

Harmund III: "Dear Wisdom, what is your plight?"

TimJames: "I have perished before my time, and only in returning to the land of the living can I slay those who threaten all that is good and virtuous."

Harmund III Hoare: "Your quest is truly a valient one. I shall accompany you through The Seven Heavens and present you before The Father Above."

Ashara Dayne: "As shall I. Where my beloved Harmund goes, so to goes I."

In walked Baelor Blacktyde, martyr of The Faith and Knight of The Iron Isles.

Baelor Blacktyde: "I shall accompany you as well upon this holy task."

Along with him walked Corwyn Corbray, Andal Conqueror and Legendary Knight.

Corwyn Corbray: "I too shall follow you on this journey."

TimJames: "Then by The Grace of The Gods we shall endure. We shall present our case to The Father Above All and he shall hear our pleading."

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"I'm with you too," said Weyrde. "In a manner of speaking. I'm in a shananistic trance. Unfortunately, those false gods severely reduce my powers up there; and if you think I was strict with the heroic sac and whatnot, thou hastn't seen nothing yet. But I can at least send you this." And the Divine Judgements Casebook plops onto TJ's head. Luckily, Heaven has low gravity.

The First Heaven is under the Stranger; but since he's mostly down in Hell, it's governed by Baelor the Blessed. It's called Mr. Baelor's Neighburhood, and is reserved to Peopl Who Are Nice to Cute Kids and Animals.
>&L&6#$%^%$%$
Meanwhile, Euron's fleet with its Cache of Slaves speeds towards Penguinos at the speed of plot!!!! That music is an ominous rendition of the Mr. Roger's Neighbourhood theme song in a minor key! Help!

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Upon seeing his consience coach, TimJames became overjoyed.

TimJames: "Weyrde! Yay, you're here! I saved GRRM's First Release Copies. Now I just need to find The Father Above to ask him for a second chance. Or Rhllor, whichever one is the true one I guess."

Harmund III: "We are in a part of The Heavens ruled by Baelor The Blessed."

Baelor Blacktyde: "When I was baptized in The Starry Sept, I chose his name as my baptismal name. I war origionally named Quellon Blacktyde before I converted."

Corwyn Corbray: "Wait? What is Jamie Lannister doing here? I thought he was evil?"

Jamie Lannister was there, and when he heard this inquiry he approached them to explain himself. 

Jamie Lannister: "Oh, I'm not dead yet. The angel Clarence Odbody saw me feeling down after my hand was cut off, so now he's showing me past memories."

Clarence Odbody: "I'm trying to convince him to mend his treacherous ways and to repent his past mistakes. I'm only a Custodial Angel, but all the bigger ones were busy."

Jamie Lannister: "I'm still not convinced."

Clarence Odbody: "That's why I thought you needed to visit your mother."

Johanna Lannister: "Jamie, my son ..."

Jamie Lannister: "What?! Mother, is that you ... ?"

While Jamie was reuniting with his dead mother, TimJames and his Blessed Followers continued through Baelor's Neighborhood. Even though Weyrde was a servent of Rhllor, everyone treated her with kindness.

Pisswater Prince: "Howdy Doody! Welcome to Baelor's Neighborhood."

TimJames: "Do you know how to reach The Father Above?"

Pisswater Prince: "Well golly, he's the guy in charge around these parts. You'll need to talk to Baelor. He'll open the gate for you fellows."

TimJames: "Then let's talk to them."

Will Jamie Lannister change his ways before they're too late? Will TimJames reach The Father Above in time? Find out next time on Mellodrama Extreme!

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"TJ and his companions come to a brothel--"

Narrator: "This is Heaven. It's inhabited by the good and Pure. There aren't any brothels."

Showrunners: "WE WANT BROTHEL!!!!!!!!"

nARR: "YOU WANT BROTHEL? i'LL GIVE YOU BROTHEL! Dig this revolting scene with the Count in a brothel in Hell as he

waits to be resurrected by the Ironborn!"

Showrunners: "This ... BLEKH!!1 ... IS A LITTLE ... GGGGGHHLURRRRRGH ... ***TOO**** ... QQQQHGHGLLGHEEEEEEARGGHGHGH .. DISGUSTING ...!!!!!!!!"

Narr: "You get what you get."
$%^^&^%$%
"I think we need to abolish the Qommittee to Inqrease the Number of Qs in the Voqabulary, and use its funds to establish a Scandinavian welfare state paradise," said Dany.
***
To stormy music, on the frozen, windswept shore of Penguinos, the Ironborn (the evil ones, anyway) gather to perform their barbaric ritual to bring back an abomination from the abysm of hell, that their reign of human sacrifice, thralling, reaving, and general nastiness might be eternal! [do you want me to do the ritual or would you rather do it? i'm not fussed. of course, i'll tackle the actal resurrection.]

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To further the campaign to make the Count look "kewl", the Junta have hired graffiti artists to spray-paint walls with slogans like GANGSTAZ 4 KOWNT. They've even turned up in the unoccupied parts of the reach and Dorne, making people wonder if a fifth column is at work.
@@$%^^$
Speaking of the unoccupied territories, an invitation has arrived for all the main goodguys to attend a wedding between Bloodraven/Bittersteel and ... the Sand Snakes!

"Metrusteth this not," said the real Count.

"I love weddings," said Mace. "They give me an opportunity to sing in an attractive albeit slightly stupid baritone. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Almost everything," said Darth Sansa.

"I wanna do a ninja operation to prove I'm a tough mofo," said Sam. "Truces are for wusses. And stalemates are so unmelodramatic."

"You're stupid," said Lord (Ayn) Randyll.

I don't know why it made this a quote; but hey. I mean, HOW DURST IT MAKE IT A QUOTE AND MUCK UP MY BEAUTIFUL POST W/ COMPUTER GARBLE! NEXT IT'LL DESTROY THE WORLD!

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"Finally we're out of Qarth ... oh, why are you going north, you stupid lizards?" said Dany. "Oh well, I suppose this'll get us to Westeros eventually."

"Don't count on it," said Tyrion.

"I DIDN'T WANT SEGA GENESIS I WANTED WII!" said Faegon.

"Jeesh, Joff may have been a crudfilth; but at least he didn't constantly yell in my ear," said Tyrion. "One of these days, I'm going to push this little bad accident off his dragon."

"Just see you do it when I'm not looking, so we can both maintain deniability," said Dany.
%&&^%%%$$^**(
Meanwhile, in Heaven, an enormous angelic vehicle comes careening towards TJ and his friends! Are they all going to get run over and DIE????????!!!!!!!

"They're already dead, you dorks," said a ranter.

"Shut up," said the showrunners. "And dig the screaming suspense!!!!!!!!!"

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The dragons flew north until it landed in the Essosi Union Headquarters in Braavos.

Illyrio: "Daenerys! Thank the Gods you're here ... something terrible has happened in your absence!"

Kindly Man: "It seems Volantis passed laws enacting super-slavery within their realms."

Jon Darry: "Super Slavery?"

Daenerys: "Whatever it is I don't like it!"

Illyrio: :"It has all the brutality and degredation of normal slavery, but with none of the economic payoffs."

Secretery: "Slaves are being forced to push giant granite rocks large distances, just to push them back again for no reason. The slavers are fucking with us now."

Daenerys: "We have to do something?"

Illyrio: "And we did! ... we passed sanctions against Volantis, and if they still persist we stand ready to send our diplomat to them to give their diplomat a stern talking to."

Daenerys: *groans loudly*

Illyio: "What else would you suggest? Even as bad as Super Slavery is, it still isn't as bad as the I word."

Daenerys: "The I word?"

Illyrio: "Intervention. It's the dirtiest word in a politician's vocabulary."

Daenerys: *groans so loud that people all the way in Yi Ti can hear it*

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"Well, off we go to fix that," said Dany as they mounted their dragons again.

"The good news is that if we try to get to Volantis we might end up in Westeros by accident," said Tyrion. "They need saving too, you know."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!" said Faegon. Is he just feeling colicky? Or is he DYING and having HIS SOUL DESTROYED????!!?

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