Mellow drama, unleash insane megalomaniac, v. 2

[Count Balerion]

Oh, I don't know about that. Pond scum is doing quite well.

#$%%%%%$#####$

Count-Occupied Westeros is commonly called COW by the Resistance; and one of the slogans of Darth Sansa's contraband poliical satire show is "Don't have a COW", sometimes emended to "Don't have a Count".

Mormont's raven, indeed, has taken to skywriting "DON'T HAVE A COW", "DON'T HAVE A COUNT", and "YOU'RE STUPID" in the air above Counttown. The Count, typically, has reacted with a campaign to wipe out ravens, and has decreed that the post be henceforth delivered by demon-flying fish instead.
 

[Count Balerion]

There have been some changes in the geography of Westeros, apart from the non-trivial one of most of it now being underwater.

Gulltown has been renamed Gilltown, and White Harbour is now White Supremacy.

Stoney Sept was renamed Count's Sacrifical Altar. The sept was destroyed, and now horrible rites take place there. The Faith of the Seven has been driven underwater  in COW, except for a few (literal) islands of resistance.

Harrenhall has been turned into an underwater city called Harrenhopolis. It's renowned for its modern art museum, the Harrenhorn.

&^^%%%%^&

In the "real" world, 2/3 of 4chan and nearly all of 8chan were found strangled. Oh noes!

[rocksniffer]

can anyone play in this park...

[TimJames]

18 hours ago, rocksniffer said:

can anyone play in this park...

Yes!

[TimJames]

18 hours ago, Count Balerion said:

There have been some changes in the geography of Westeros, apart from the non-trivial one of most of it now being underwater.

Gulltown has been renamed Gilltown, and White Harbour is now White Supremacy.

Stoney Sept was renamed Count's Sacrifical Altar. The sept was destroyed, and now horrible rites take place there. The Faith of the Seven has been driven underwater  in COW, except for a few (literal) islands of resistance.

Harrenhall has been turned into an underwater city called Harrenhopolis. It's renowned for its modern art museum, the Harrenhorn.

&^^%%%%^&

In the "real" world, 2/3 of 4chan and nearly all of 8chan were found strangled. Oh noes!

These geographic changes were not recognized in Free Westeros. Though Free Westeros had some changes of it's own to make; The Countlands were renamed The Badlands, and the day that the Sacrificial Alter was opened was announced as The Day of The Covenant (as all Riverlander Refugees in The Vale and all Riverlander Partisans took an oath to drive evil from their lands.

[Count Balerion]

Teacher: "This is a proud day for our class.  I am happy to announce that Little Walder Frey has been awarded the Ramsay Bolton Torture Scholarship-- why are you blubbing, Miss Manderly?  Surely you didn't think *you* were going to win it?  You can barely even dissect a frog."

Wylla Manderly: "No, t-t-t-teacher.  I'm crying b-b-because I have seen the error of my w-w-w-ways.  I now worship the D-D-D-Drowned God, and have embraced evil and c-c-cruelty; and as a sign of my c-contrition I murdered someone and baked him into a p-p-p-pie for you."

Teacher: "That is commendable, Miss Manderly.  I am glad to see that the intensive reeducation programme is having an effect."

[TimJames]

In The Northern Death Camp, things were getting worse. Two of Tormund's sons, Torwynd and Dormund, were executed for no reason. Tormund would NOT let any more of his children die.

He lead Arya and his son Dyrn to a weak spot in the fence in the dead of night. They were all starved, and Arya's stomach wound had not yet healed. 

Tormund Giantsbane: "It's clear that if we stay any longer we'll all die, that's why you two need to escape. Head out there, and don't stop running for any reason. If you see Ramsay coming, take these wolfsbane berries; it will be less painful than getting ripped apart by dogs and it will deny that prick the satisfaction of killing you."

Dyrn Giantsbane: "We can't leave you!"

Tormund: "Don't worry about me son. Just remember your father will always love you."

Arya: "Thanks for everything you've done for me."

So tired and afraid, Arya Stark and Dyrn Giantsbane crawled under the hole in the fence and ran away into the woods. In the morning, the Guards would notice them missing and order 20 people executed. 

[Count Balerion]

On 8/6/2016 at 7:55 PM, rocksniffer said:

can anyone play in this park...

 

On 8/7/2016 at 2:21 PM, TimJames said:

Yes!

Play away! Originally, there were a bunch of other people involved, anyway.

I think the only caveat is that there are a few reserved characters, like Count Balerion, TimJames, and ... TJ has a couple of others, I think (Bran? Who else?).

Lately, we've been making things impossibly difficult for the goodguys and doing horrible things to them. Scratch "lately".

(Sorry, missed these posts earlier.)

 

[rocksniffer]

ok i wanna play but tomorrow i am off to toward KC for world con road trip so i shall have to wait til i return....

if y'all are there look for me at the bar i will be the one drinking both hands...

[Count Balerion]

We could use new blood ...

"I want new blood!!!!!!!!" screamed the Count. "Fresh blood!!!!! FRESH!!!!! As in, from the beating hearts of living victims!!! This blood is STALE!"

"F-f-f-forgive me, C-c-c-count!" stammered the cook.

Count: "Slaves are to address me as Omnipotence! YOU HAVE OFFENDED THE DROWNED GOD!!!!!!"

Cook: "M-m-m-mercy, Omnipotence!!! HAVE MERCY!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!! WEEEEEAAAAAARGGHGHGGHHHHHWAWGGHGGHH!!!!!!!!!!"
 

[Count Balerion]

The story so far, heavily abbreviated:
It started when Lady Blizzardborn died and TJ used dark arts to revive her. The Count decided he needed her dead again so he could eat her heart (for some reason it was the only thing that could save him from the existential angst that gnawed at the Goat-detritus that is laughingly calledv his soul. [Story-externally, it was because I found TJ's posts amusing and thought he needed an antagonist.]

The resulting conflict escalated until all Westeros was involved [and LB's role gradually lessened; I'm not sure how enthusiastic she was about having her name used this way ayway, and maybe we should ask permission if we bring her back].

In the end, the Count took over Westeros in a coup. After several adventures, TJ and friends were imprisoned in the Count's dungeon, where nasty things happened to them. They escaped and there was an epic battle in the kitchen, from which they escaped, and TJ made it to the throne room and dragged the Count into hell, where he had more adventures and ascended into Heaven. He was accompanied by the red priestess Weyrde, who had entered the story making cryptic comments and helping TJ out while also lecturing about moral stuff. In Heaven, the Seven/Lord Light blessed them and gave them things.

Meanwhile, Roose and the Count's other cronies turned Westeros into a phony republic, which was easily overthrown by Mace and his allies. But the Count was raised by black magic as the Drowned God, and took over Westeros with the help of Euron, Shrike (nasty Iron priest chap), and several dead villains whose souls were placed in robots. He now rules Wetteros (as it's now called--and it *is* wet), except for the Vale and King's Landing (now ilsands). The Dornish are to be wiped out, while Andals are 2nd- or 10th-class citizens, except in the North, where they have been banned by Theon Stark, a genocidal First-Men Supremacist.

TJ and Weyrde ended up in Volantis, meeting Benerro and Mya Stone. As of now, they are about to meet Dany and Stan the Man, her hasband (who has become very cool and bro).

[TimJames]

I'll add some important things you forgot.

17 hours ago, Count Balerion said:

The story so far, heavily abbreviated:
It started when Lady Blizzardborn died and TJ used dark arts to revive her. The Count decided he needed her dead again so he could eat her heart (for some reason it was the only thing that could save him from the existential angst that gnawed at the Goat-detritus that is laughingly calledv his soul. [Story-externally, it was because I found TJ's posts amusing and thought he needed an antagonist.]

The resulting conflict escalated until all Westeros was involved [and LB's role gradually lessened; I'm not sure how enthusiastic she was about having her name used this way ayway, and maybe we should ask permission if we bring her back].

It's safe to say LB's been "Put On A Bus" (non-lethally removed from the story) so not the main conflict is Count Balerion trying to take over Westeros while TJ (played by Yours Truely *takes a bow*) tries to stop him.

TJ is a Necromancer who is betrothed to Mya Stone and who used to hold racial prejudice against The Crannogmen. 

Also, Bran used warging to permanently take control of Gregor Clegane's body (forcing Gregor first into the sub-consious and later banishing him to Bran's broken body). Being able to walk again made Bran go a little nuts and sleep around a lot before getting ahold of himself (it's ok because Bran had an adult's body, like in the movie "Big"), though he still polygamously married Margaery Tyrell, Asha Greyjoy, and Myranda (it's ok because some worshipers of The Old Gods have multiple wives, like Tormund Giantsbane and Valmyr Sixskins). 

...

By now you're probably thinking "none of this makes sense". But don't worry! It's about to make even less sense ...

It also turns out that Myranda (a show character whom Ramsay Bolton dated) is also Qyborn's daughter (because they both torture people). 

Also, Jon Snow joined The Wildlings for real and became King of The Free Folk.

17 hours ago, Count Balerion said:

In the end, the Count took over Westeros in a coup. After several adventures, TJ and friends were imprisoned in the Count's dungeon, where nasty things happened to them. They escaped and there was an epic battle in the kitchen, from which they escaped, and TJ made it to the throne room and dragged the Count into hell, where he had more adventures and ascended into Heaven. He was accompanied by the red priestess Weyrde, who had entered the story making cryptic comments and helping TJ out while also lecturing about moral stuff. In Heaven, the Seven/Lord Light blessed them and gave them things.

It turns out that there's only one God and that all the religions are true. The Lord of The Seven Heavens is The Father, The Lord of Light, The Storm God (The Drowned God is also The Stranger) , The Oldest of The Old Gods, and so on.

While in The Seven Hells, TJ traveled through The Seven Hells with the help of Weyrde (a Red Priestess who also acts as TJ's Conscience [like in Pinocchio] and his fairy godmother [like in Cinderella]). Along the way he met Cersei (introduced her to Mageor the Cruel) and blocked off the portal that spawned infinite White Walkers on the surface (a feat he accomplished with the help of Rhaegar [in Hell for cowardice] and Cheese [in hell for child-murder]). 

Meanwhile Rhaegar met Robert Baratheon (who was in The Seven Purgatories), and they reconsiled. It turned out that Arthur Dayne's the one who raped and killed Lyanna, and that Rhaegar was actually gay and only guilty of never standing up to Dayne. Robert and Rhaegar both go to The Seven Heavens, and Robert Marries Lyanna there (Rhaegar's still alone because Jon Connington didn't die [Jon Connington had greyscale, but he beat it and went into remission]).

Cheese was reincarnated and given a second chance.

Also, Bittersteel forgave Bloodraven and the two reconciled.

17 hours ago, Count Balerion said:

Meanwhile, Roose and the Count's other cronies turned Westeros into a phony republic, which was easily overthrown by Mace and his allies. But the Count was raised by black magic as the Drowned God, and took over Westeros with the help of Euron, Shrike (nasty Iron priest chap), and several dead villains whose souls were placed in robots. He now rules Wetteros (as it's now called--and it *is* wet), except for the Vale and King's Landing (now ilsands). The Dornish are to be wiped out, while Andals are 2nd- or 10th-class citizens, except in the North, where they have been banned by Theon Stark, a genocidal First-Men Supremacist.

TJ and Weyrde ended up in Volantis, meeting Benerro and Mya Stone. As of now, they are about to meet Dany and Stan the Man, her hasband (who has become very cool and bro).

When Westeros was a fake republic, Mace Tyrell decided it was his turn to be king so he took it over Caesar-style. He suggested Stannis go to Essos and marry Daenerys, that way they could both be Kings. Oberyn taught Stannis how to pick up girls, but that was unnecessary as Daenerys and Stannis were already compatible.

Finally it's worth noting that Theon Stark and Shrike are both canon characters - look them up if you don't believe me.

[Count Balerion]

I think all the characters except TJ, CB, and Weyrde are canon at the moment. With a broad definition of canon to include show people. (There's also a real Count Balerion somewhere, as of couse current count stole the title. The real chap isn't exactly on a bus, but doesn't do much either. He's holed up in KL with other goodguys, or possibly in Vale. Maybe I should have him die a grisly death.)

Qyb and Myranda turned good and don't torture anymore.

Speaking of show, there's also a fair amount of meta-stuff involving conflicts between the showrunners and the narrator/actors.

[Count Balerion]

Count: "HATE!"
Roose and Batfinger: "Omnipotence?"
Count: "HATRED!!!! CRUELTY!!!! TORTURE!!!! DEATH!!!!! DOOM!!!!! DESPAIR!!!!! TORMENT!!!!!!"
Roose and Batfinger: "Yes, Omnipotence."
Count: "ANNIHILATE BEING IN AN ORGY OF HATRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Roose: "I ... I ... I'd better inspect the military preparations, Omnipotence."
Batfinger: "I'm off concoct some more plots."

Just another day at the office.

[TimJames]

Bronn Blackwater and Sandor Clegane were wandering through the woods, bandering back and forth as they went.

Sandor: "I don't know why I agreed to follow you out here!"

Bronn: "Because you hate Count's Reign as much as I do."

Sandor: "That's true: but why'd we have to head up here! It's piss cold in The North!"

"Don't talk bad about my home!" 

Sandor and Bronn both turned about with swords drawn, curious as to who made the noise. 

Sandor: "Come out!"

An emaciated Arya Stark and Dyrn Giantsbane crawl out onto the path. They are both covered in mud and ashes from their escape, and their striped pajamas make it clear where they escaped from.

Bronn: *bending down to examine their wounds* "You look like you could use some drinks. Come on, we'll carry you both to the tavern to get those wounds treated."

 

[Count Balerion]

CB: Who should they meet at the tavern but Darth Sansa and Theon Greystark (who'd first changed his name to Stark as sign of his rejection of the Ironborn raiding and raping culture, and then changed it to Greystark to avoid being confused with his genocidal namesake).

Sansa: "Yo, Arya! We're gonna liberate the death camps."
Arya: "That's cool. I'm sorry I was obnoxious and ruined your dress."
Sansa: "I'm sorry too. I let my friends insult you and told Cersei we were going to leave KL and was naive. But your clothes are a mess."
Arya: "Well, yes, I've been in a concentration camp."
Sansa: "Never mind that now. When I teach you how to be a jedi we'll be unstoppable."
Bronn: "Let the kids get some rest first."

***&&^^&
The Count has issued a Decree ordaining that all subjects must join a social media website called Hatebook and post their private information there and post daily updates glorifying the Drowned God and informing upon any neighbours who are not sufficiently pro-Count.

Abject Minions: "WE ADORE THEE, O DROWNED GOD!!!!! (35 times)
WE GIVE THANKS FOR THIS THY DECREE! (23 times)
THOU HAST REMOVED AMBIGUITY FROM THE WESTEROSI CONSTITUTION! (23 times)
THOU WISELY COMMANDEST HATEBOOK USERS TO DIVULGE THEIR ETHNICITY SO THAT ICKY RACIAL INFERIORS MAY BE PUT IN THEIR PLACE! (26 times)
THOU WISELY ORDAINEST THAT DORNISH SCUM BE ELIMINATED! (18 times)
THOU JUSTLY PUNISHEST ANY WHO DURST NOT GLORIFY THY NAME! (27 times)
WE ADORE THEE, O DROWNED GOD!!!!!" (35 times)
Count: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Minions: [repeat all that sfuff, louder]

Count: "I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Minions: [repeat all that sfuff, louder]
Count: "I STILL CAN'T HEAR HALF OF YOU! BECAUSE I AM MERCIFUL, I WILL ONLY PUT A QUARTER OF YOU TO DEATH AND I SHALL MAKE IT QUICK!!!!"
Minions: "WE THANK THEE, O DROWNED GOD, FOR THY MERCY!!!!!"

[Count Balerion]

Teacher: "Where's Walder? Little, that is."
Wylla: "He's here, All-powerful Instructor. You're eating him. And you're dead."
Teacher: EAAARARAAAAAGGHGHHGGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHQQGHGHQH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" *dies*
Big Walder: "You're evil!!!"
Wylla: "You're stupid.  The teacher and your cousin deserved it for being evil toadies."
Big Walder: "But this is *cannibalism*!"
Wylla: "*They* do it!"
Big Walder: "If we do it, we're no better than they are! I loved you for being *good*!"
SS (Security Sadists, the Count's police force): "You're under arrest!"
Wylla: "we're stupid."
%^^&^%$#@$%^*(*&^^

Tyrion: "So a dragon walks into a bar ..."
Volantene Badguy: "NO!!! PLEASE DON'T!!! NOT MORE BAD JOKES!!!!!!!!"
*&&^%###$%^&&

Free Man: "I belong to the Free Men, so I get the remaining seat on the bus."
Ironborn Reaver: "Iryans are the Master Race, beloved of the Drowned God. The seat is mine."
Andal: "I'm crippled because Iryans cut off my feet for a lark, and we don't have wheelchairs in Westeros."
Audience: "Napping on the job, Narry-boy? Wyllis Tyrell had one. Do you think we're not paying attention?"
Narrator: "Actually, ye-- I mean, NO! The Count outlawed them for Andals unless they renounced the Seven. Happy now???"
Audience: "Nice *save*, Narry!"
Narrator: "Shut up."
Bus driver: "Anyway, the Iryan gets the seat. Sieg heil!"

[TimJames]

Willias Tyrell: "I have a wheelchair because I'm rich and posh."

Old Nan: "I'm very poor so I don't have a wheelchair."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bronn: "Alright now, all bandaged up now."

Arya: "I'm still half starved."

Bronn: "I can't let you eat too many bites, or you'll eat yourself to death."

Dyrn: "And I miss my family! They probably killed my dad too!"

Bronn: "I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, I never really had a Dad."

Dyrn: "Your an orphan?"

Bronn: "Not really ... my Dad abandoned me and Ma when we were young."

Arya: "That sucks."

Bronn: "I actually have the least sucky backstory of my circle of friends. I have one friend who was molested by his Dad when he was 13-"

Tyrion (in Volantis): "Yo!"

Bronn: "-and another who was a child soldier at 12 and whose sister was killed."

Sandor: "FUCK YUR SURS!"

Bronn: "Now I have two genocide survivors as friends."

Arya: "Since when are we friends?"

Bronn: "Ouch. That hurts."

Sansa: "Yeah, you should really show more respect to the man who saved your life."

Arya: "Sorry. Ok, I guess we're friends."

Bronn: "That's good to hear. Because I only share my coco recipie with friends!"

Arya, Dyrn, and Sansa (in unison): "Coco!"

Bronn: "Well, more like way too much brown sugar poured directly into a pot of hot water. Remember, I grew up poor."

Sansa: "Sugar's not cheap. How'd you afford it?"

Bronn: "I stole it!"

Arya: "Cool!"

Sansa: "But stealing is wrong ..."

Bronn: "It's ok; I stole it from a Pro-Countist Banker."

[TimJames]

Audience: "Wait, shouldn't The Hound be in Heaven with Robert Baratheon?"

Narrator: " ... uhhhh ... The Father gave him a second chance?"

Audience: "There's too many plot holes!"

Nutcase: "ALSO BOBBY B'S A RAPIST WHO RAPES!!!"

Narrator: "What?"

Nutcase: "HE RAPED CERSEI AND HE RAPED THAT BROTHEL GIRL AND HE'S A RAPIST AND I HATE HIM GRRR!!!"

Narrator: "The brothel girl had fond memories of Robert."

Cersei: "And he didn't rape me. Robert was just really bad in bed. I wasn't afraid or in pain or coerced, just unsatisfied. Even author thought he was a good person, and author's not someone who lets rapists off lightly"

Lyanna: "And his name is Robert. If your gonna irrationally hate him then at least use his real name."

Nutcase: "SHUT UP! JUST LET ME HAVE THIS HATRED! IT'S ALL I HAVE!"

Narrator: "Ok, someone cancel his HBO accounts."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

King Mace "the Ace" of Free Westeros: "Alright doughboys, keep training! When the time comes you'll be ready to drive The Count's Hordes back where they came from!"

Doughboys: "Hurrah!"

[Count Balerion]

[Bother. I recorded the Count's voice, but can't insert media anywhere, not even in PM or signature. That's the short version of the story. The long version is very boring. Oh, I should probably say smething melodramatic; so not being able to do this has destroyed my life.]