Dating: “I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone.”

[briantw]

2 minutes ago, sperry said:

So, after seeing briantw mention Bumble, I downloaded it on a whim.

And I am about 95% positive that they are ordering the profiles you see by right swipe percentage or something similar.  On tinder, I typically swipe right about 3-4% of the profiles I see. That's because about 2/3 of the profiles are bots, and I then swipe right on about 10% of the "real" profiles.

 

When I downloaded Bumble, I was shocked.  The first 100 or so profiles I saw were extremely attractive women with good jobs, and was right swiping about 90% of the time. The profiles that looked like bots were way down as well, maybe 5-10%.  Things started becoming more of a mixed bag by then, until eventually I reached a point where I was swiping almost nothing right. There is no way that that is a coincidence.

Yeah I am fairly positive they sort them by number of right swipes.  Only explanation. 

[sperry]

Just now, briantw said:

Yeah I am fairly positive they sort them by number of right swipes.  Only explanation. 

 

That seems odd.

 

Also, how does the "women must act" first part work?  Does this mean that they are notified when a guy swipes them right and then they have the opportunity to respond, or does it work the same way as Tinder in that they are swiping left/right as well?

 

Not a fan, although there are admittedly a lot of high quality profiles on there, much better than Tinder even considering the fact that they front load the best ones.  That said, those who are not in the top 10% of looks are already fighting an uphill battle on apps like this, and being lumped in the "less desirable" section to be swiped can't help your chances.

[briantw]

1 hour ago, sperry said:

That seems odd.

Also, how does the "women must act" first part work?  Does this mean that they are notified when a guy swipes them right and then they have the opportunity to respond, or does it work the same way as Tinder in that they are swiping left/right as well?

Not a fan, although there are admittedly a lot of high quality profiles on there, much better than Tinder even considering the fact that they front load the best ones.  That said, those who are not in the top 10% of looks are already fighting an uphill battle on apps like this, and being lumped in the "less desirable" section to be swiped can't help your chances.

It means when you match with a girl (meaning you and her both swipe right), she has to send the first message.

[Arkhangel]

16 hours ago, briantw said:

By the way, I can't stress enough having a couple of good "first date" spots.  To me, the first date should always be drinks.  Well, unless the girl is a recovering alcoholic or something.  On my date with the girl in question, I met up with her at a place called The Broken Spoke, which is owned by a distillery in town.  It's got great decor inside and a great selection of bourbon, whiskey, and other types of alcohol.  There are also two popular breweries around it, so we walked to both of those as well.  

Wine bars are also great, in my experience, especially if you're meeting someone who doesn't like beer.  Beer is insanely popular in Charlotte, though, so that's rare.  We have over a dozen breweries (most of which have opened in the five years I've lived here).  I live next door to one, actually.  

I don't know, I think coffee is better for a first date if you don't already know the person. It's low pressure, you're not stuck with them for an entire meal if they turn out to be an arse and there's no chance of anyone getting drunker than they meant to (/less chance of the guy spiking your drink or pressuring you to drink too much).

[briantw]

34 minutes ago, Arkhangel said:

I don't know, I think coffee is better for a first date if you don't already know the person. It's low pressure, you're not stuck with them for an entire meal if they turn out to be an arse and there's no chance of anyone getting drunker than they meant to (/less chance of the guy spiking your drink or pressuring you to drink too much).

Well, with drinks you're not stuck with them for an entire meal either.  That's kind of the point.  Part of it is probably cultural too.  There's an insanely large drinking scene in Charlotte.  Over a dozen breweries, tons of cocktail bars, plenty of places to sit and drink wine, etc.  It's much more prominent than it was when I was living in Ohio. 

[sperry]

Coffee and or drinks are pretty much always my go to for "Get to know you" dates.  You can't go wrong there, and it does set a natural terminal point so there really isn't too much of a chance for disaster.

 

For first real date, I go for a baseball game or NBA basketball game, checking of course that the woman does not hate sports. Allows for conversation unlike a movie or something, but also has a built in mechanism to direct conversation if your bordering on awkward pauses unlike if you did a picnic or a fancy dinner or something.

[Kelli Fury]

Dudes always suggest drinks. I never accept those invitations. #1, I don't want to worry whether they are cool to drive home or whether they are going to rufie me. #2, I want to know who they are stone sober. #3 it is very unimaginative. I say yes to music events or walks in cool places or coffee shops (I bring my drawing stuff to those) or arcades. I have never said yes to a drinks first date because I assume they are not that interested or not that interesting

[briantw]

58 minutes ago, Kay Fury said:

Dudes always suggest drinks. I never accept those invitations. #1, I don't want to worry whether they are cool to drive home or whether they are going to rufie me. #2, I want to know who they are stone sober. #3 it is very unimaginative. I say yes to music events or walks in cool places or coffee shops (I bring my drawing stuff to those) or arcades. I have never said yes to a drinks first date because I assume they are not that interested or not that interesting

I never drive to "drinks" dates.  I Uber (or walk if we agree to meet somewhere close to me).  I also don't offer to pick up and drive a girl on a first date, at least for a girl I met online and have never met in person before.  I meet them somewhere, as that obviously gives both of us the freedom to end the date early if it's not going well and doesn't put me in charge of her safety getting home or vice versa.  I guess if you live somewhere without Uber the rules are different, but I can have an Uber outside my apartment building in five minutes or less pretty much any time (one of the perks of living next door to the most popular brewery in the city...always a couple of Ubers sitting outside waiting to take people home).  The closest I've come to driving a girl home the last year or so was when we agreed to split an Uber, and that was because my place was on the way to hers.

Also, people suggest drinks because it's a very casual, laid back date where you can focus on talking to each other.  Assuming you've never met the person in real life before, it's kind of important to be able to talk.  It's why I never suggest going to clubs or anywhere with loud music for date number one.  The goal is to have a couple of drinks, get to know her, and then see from there if there's enough mutual interest to warrant a second date.  

I also never suggest coffee because I'm usually meeting people after work for a first date, which means six or later.  No one with a 9-5 type job (which is most of the girls I go on dates with at this point in life) wants to go out and drink coffee that late.

[sperry]

Yeah, when I say I suggest drinks, it would be like 2 drinks on a patio on Thursday evening, not let's go out drinking all night on Saturday night. Going out for a few drinks on Thursdays is one of my favorite things to do, so if that's something she's interested in that can only be a good thing.

 

I've met agreed to meet women at local dog parks before, but there isn't really a whole lot of cool scenic places to walk around here, plus unless it's spring or fall, walking is not particularly pleasant.

[Kelli Fury]

Ymmv, but even one or two drinks on a patio is always a no from me. I'll go for coffee, for ice cream, a walk around a lake, an art show, but I only go to bars with people I already know

[sologdin]

it's a matter of discursive space, yo.  shape the venue via learned & witty discourse, attention to detail, charitable interlocution--a subjective commingling that crowds out the world otherwise and bridges the void of radical alterity.

[sperry]

2 hours ago, Kay Fury said:

Ymmv, but even one or two drinks on a patio is always a no from me. I'll go for coffee, for ice cream, a walk around a lake, an art show, but I only go to bars with people I already know

 

Of course, to each their own.

[Kelli Fury]

A humongous percentage of awful things that happen to women occur at or begin in bars. That's a thing to keep in mind, especially if you do somehow run into trouble the first questions are always WAS SHE AT A BAR- WAS SHE DRINKING

[Arkhangel]

14 hours ago, briantw said:

I never drive to "drinks" dates.  I Uber (or walk if we agree to meet somewhere close to me).  I also don't offer to pick up and drive a girl on a first date, at least for a girl I met online and have never met in person before.  I meet them somewhere, as that obviously gives both of us the freedom to end the date early if it's not going well and doesn't put me in charge of her safety getting home or vice versa.  I guess if you live somewhere without Uber the rules are different, but I can have an Uber outside my apartment building in five minutes or less pretty much any time (one of the perks of living next door to the most popular brewery in the city...always a couple of Ubers sitting outside waiting to take people home).  The closest I've come to driving a girl home the last year or so was when we agreed to split an Uber, and that was because my place was on the way to hers.

Also, people suggest drinks because it's a very casual, laid back date where you can focus on talking to each other.  Assuming you've never met the person in real life before, it's kind of important to be able to talk.  It's why I never suggest going to clubs or anywhere with loud music for date number one.  The goal is to have a couple of drinks, get to know her, and then see from there if there's enough mutual interest to warrant a second date.  

I also never suggest coffee because I'm usually meeting people after work for a first date, which means six or later.  No one with a 9-5 type job (which is most of the girls I go on dates with at this point in life) wants to go out and drink coffee that late.

Sure, that's your goal, but the reality is that for a depressingly large number of men out there the goal is closer to "get her drunk enough to have sex tonight." Calculating the risk to personal safety on a date is one of those things which straight men don't often have to think about, but as a woman, you really don't know whether the person you're meeting is going to be the chat-and-get-to-know-each-other type or the mickey-in-the-drink-when-you're-not-looking type. That's just not as much of a risk with a daytime date with no alcohol involved.

 

[briantw]

3 hours ago, Arkhangel said:

Sure, that's your goal, but the reality is that for a depressingly large number of men out there the goal is closer to "get her drunk enough to have sex tonight." Calculating the risk to personal safety on a date is one of those things which straight men don't often have to think about, but as a woman, you really don't know whether the person you're meeting is going to be the chat-and-get-to-know-each-other type or the mickey-in-the-drink-when-you're-not-looking type. That's just not as much of a risk with a daytime date with no alcohol involved.

Thus far I have yet to have a girl turn down a drinks date when there is clear mutual interest based on our Tinder/Bumble chatting.  Maybe the culture is different where you live, but in Charlotte after work meet-ups involve going out for a couple of drinks.  And meeting during the day isn't practical when both people have full-time jobs.

To each their own, though.  If a girl told me she wasn't comfortable meeting for drinks the first date I'd set something else up instead.  That just hasn't happened yet.

[Datepalm]

I'd be ok with drinks, or one drink, since that will do it for me, for a first date if there's enough interest through chatting to meet in the first place. However, I've learned that guys I go for are such universal dorks anyway that I've yet to be worried about it. 

Actually, one thing I appreciate is someone setting an actual spot - most of my online-made dates end up being 'lets meet at such and such train station' or something, and then we wander about pointlessly for an hour trying to find a place and negotiate the whole drinks/coffee/food, etc, thing. Pick it in advance, if you're going to. (and yes, last date I was on, I picked a spot because he was waffling.)

Also, since apparently OKC in India is a thing people use to just meet people, I gave it a go and the one person I swiped right on turned out to have a PhD in theoretical physics. How the hell do I manage that from a photo? 

[Lily Valley]

I had an accidental date earlier this week with the bike guy that I've been flirting with for about 6 years.  We might have another date tonight, my suggestion was to read books and ignore one another.  We might not if his workday is too rough.  

[briantw]

7 hours ago, Datepalm said:

Actually, one thing I appreciate is someone setting an actual spot - most of my online-made dates end up being 'lets meet at such and such train station' or something, and then we wander about pointlessly for an hour trying to find a place and negotiate the whole drinks/coffee/food, etc, thing. Pick it in advance, if you're going to. (and yes, last date I was on, I picked a spot because he was waffling.)

Haha, yeah, you definitely have to have places in mind if you're a guy.  Really hard to imagine how other guys screw that kind of stuff up since it's basically the easiest thing in the world.  You just have to find out if the girl in question dislikes anything in particular and pick a place that doesn't serve exclusively that.  Like, don't take a girl who doesn't like beer to a brewery.  Rocket science right there.

[Raja]

Used to prefer meeting for a drink - but I now prefer coffee & a walk instead, though the weather has to be decent. Something about walking around puts me at ease during a first date. 

[Theda Baratheon]

So I think I might maaaybe have a boyfriend now? lol