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Dating: to play the part of the one who doesn't wait


Datepalm

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Urgh that's the fucking worst. So sorry. How rude!!

I've been taking a breather from dating. I did go out with a guy that I met at a barbecue, and it was nice but he's moving in a couple weeks so it was ultimately kinda pointless (except for a fun though chaste evening). I'm still kinda hung up on that guy from like 2 months ago which is dumb. I had a big like 'hey I can't talk to you because I still have feelings but you know where to reach me' moment and then like a few days later he was snapchatting me again (not anything scandalous or even personal, just sending me random shit he was doing that he is basically blasting out to a bunch of people). This basically happens every weekend now, but I can't bring myself to block him. A couple weeks ago we were talking and decided to meet up just for a no-expectations fun night and dude got lost and ended up leaving me alone in a bar waiting for him. I was pretty pissed about that (he apologized profusely). Anyway don't know where we stand right now. I muted him on instagram and snapchat so at least he isn't in my face all the time now. Basically it seems like he's still into me but also still doesn't want to date anyone so it's just kinda blah. What's really gonna suck is when he inevitably meets someone he does like enough to want to date and then I'm gonna just got cry in a corner forever.

Ah well. Dying alone is a good option!

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On 6/19/2018 at 12:39 AM, chiKanery et al. said:

That can make it hard to read though. There was a really hot bartender at place I liked to go to a few years back. She was super flirty with me, but I figured that was part of her job, so I never made a move. I still regret not going for it. 

I know a hot waitress who ended up marrying one of her patrons, so it happens.

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  • 2 weeks later...

OK. Things looking strangely up.

Had some casual fun with someone, then was told by someone else that they (the second person) were interested in getting to know me better, though they're in a pretty awkward state right now, so they can't commit to a relationship for now.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Tentatively checking out Berkeley OkCupid...why is everyone so pretentiously cheesily radical? Why is everyone's favourite book Ender's Game? Why is everyone named Mike?

Tentatively checking out Berkeley therapy services.

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i really very rarely develop crushes, hardly ever at all 

so recently I develop a crush on a customer 

Make an absolute full of myself in front of him 

I work in a music and movie store and we were chatting about films and how great the store is and he said he was spending a lot of money coming in every week and I said “yes it’s a very expensive hobbit” and then continued to say that about THREE TIMES and then stumbled over my words explaining that i meant to either say hobby or habit and somehow said both. I thought this was ultimately incredibly embarrassing but also thoroughly hilarious until........

he comes back a week later and seems to tooootally avoid me and then asks my best mate (who also works with me) out

hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahah just fuckin typical 

it’s not even about the crush anymore I mean he’s a cute guy that likes movies there’s lots of them around, ain’t a shortage in that regard 

its just...the whole scenario giving solid proof of every nasty thing I tell myself about how ugly I am, how weird I am and how embarrassing I am lmfao 

What a fuckin day 

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I just talked to a guy who I was under an impression had a weird feeling thingy pertinent to me. Turns out it was a cultural misunderstanding? But ... the situation was like that:

- When we were alone at his place, he wanted me to dance with him. Repeatedly, even after I said I don't want to.

- Immediately after I left, he sent me an email with stuff like "I am missing you already" and "I like you in a way"

Then I cut contact for a few days because I thought it was creepy (he sent me a few other emails) and stupid. Then we started to chat about normal casual stuff again. Also, I am leaving the country on Monday, and he knew that ever since we first talked.

- Today morning I get an email saying stuff like "I would cry if I saw you again before you leave and had to say goodbye"

We kind of cleared the situation in the afternoon - he said these were just normal friendly things to him, and it would not be seen as hitting on me in his culture. I said that these things would very much be interpreted to hint at romantic attachment (which would be totally stupid in this case, really, we don't even know each other well) - was I wrong? I am pretty sure they would be interpreted that way. But then again I do not have much experience with that. But it looked really clear to me. You can hardly be more direct than that. I am not going to ask him, I do not want to bring it up, also not to be insensitive. Anyway, the whole experience was odd for both sides.

1 hour ago, Theda Baratheon said:

its just...the whole scenario giving solid proof of every nasty thing I tell myself about how ugly I am, how weird I am and how embarrassing I am lmfao 

What a fuckin day 

You are not, don't say that. ;)

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3 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

I just talked to a guy who I was under an impression had a weird feeling thingy pertinent to me. Turns out it was a cultural misunderstanding? But ... the situation was like that:

- When we were alone at his place, he wanted me to dance with him. Repeatedly, even after I said I don't want to.

- Immediately after I left, he sent me an email with stuff like "I am missing you already" and "I like you in a way"

Then I cut contact for a few days because I thought it was creepy (he sent me a few other emails) and stupid. Then we started to chat about normal casual stuff again. Also, I am leaving the country on Monday, and he knew that ever since we first talked.

- Today morning I get an email saying stuff like "I would cry if I saw you again before you leave and had to say goodbye"

We kind of cleared the situation in the afternoon - he said these were just normal friendly things to him, and it would not be seen as hitting on me in his culture. I said that these things would very much be interpreted to hint at romantic attachment (which would be totally stupid in this case, really, we don't even know each other well) - was I wrong? I am pretty sure they would be interpreted that way. But then again I do not have much experience with that. But it looked really clear to me. You can hardly be more direct than that. I am not going to ask him, I do not want to bring it up, also not to be insensitive. Anyway, the whole experience was odd for both sides.

I don't think you were wrong. The part of saying that he misses and likes you just after wanting to dance with you many times sounds more romantic to me. The rest, well, I don't know but I'd say that depends more on the person rather than a cultural thing? 

Some people, both boys and girls are just very friendly, and if you both got along, (and if he had not sent that first mail) then the second one could mean that he wants to keep in touch with you because he genuinely liked being with you, him saying he'd cry because it's his way of saying  these things and that he liked a lot getting to know you.

However, with the first experience of the dancing, even if the person is just very easy-going and outgoing, I don't think anybody could just say the first mail  just after that situation it's interpreted always this way in this friendly culture and nothing more. I could be wrong, but then I'd even say it's all part of his personality, as he said, but.... not mention the cultural part.

Maybe he felt ashamed of admitting it and he just thought of saying it was a cultural misunderstanding. But I don't think it's cultural.

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6 hours ago, Meera of Tarth said:

Some people, both boys and girls are just very friendly, and if you both got along, (and if he had not sent that first mail) then the second one could mean that he wants to keep in touch with you because he genuinely liked being with you, him saying he'd cry because it's his way of saying  these things and that he liked a lot getting to know you.

Yes, there were also some other things ib that email that did not look so "just friendly" to me. Not to nention there were a bunch of other messages between that, in a span of two days, that kept getting more and more desperate. And he showed up at my door the third day after I did not answer. (At that point, I told him to back off because I was creeped out).

6 hours ago, Meera of Tarth said:

Maybe he felt ashamed of admitting it and he just thought of saying it was a cultural misunderstanding. But I don't think it's cultural.

IDK, maybe. :dunno:

1 hour ago, Datepalm said:

What is the culture in question? Sounds like a grasping attempt at plausible deniability.

He comes from Cameroon. I literally know nothing about habits there.

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I met a girl back in June on Tinder and we hit it off pretty good. Met a couple of times and I took her out sailing an afternoon. Sex was had. We stayed in touch a bit during our respective vacations but now as I texted her again two days ago just to ask how she’s been, there’s silence. 

So the question is - when do I give up? Is the silence answer enough? Is it a dating faux pas to send something along the lines of “hey did you get my message” or even “I guess this means you want no contact, let me know if I’m wrong“?

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27 minutes ago, Erik of Hazelfield said:

I met a girl back in June on Tinder and we hit it off pretty good. Met a couple of times and I took her out sailing an afternoon. Sex was had. We stayed in touch a bit during our respective vacations but now as I texted her again two days ago just to ask how she’s been, there’s silence. 

So the question is - when do I give up? Is the silence answer enough? Is it a dating faux pas to send something along the lines of “hey did you get my message” or even “I guess this means you want no contact, let me know if I’m wrong“?

I think one follow-up message is okay. After all sometimes messages really do get missed or fall through the cracks. But if that doesn't get a response then I'd say back off and move on.

Don't use the "I guess this means you want no contact" line though. It's a bit passive aggressive. I'd say just ask matter of factly if she wants to meet again, with a time/place suggestion. If you don't hear back on this one, the silence is definitely the answer.

 

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32 minutes ago, Erik of Hazelfield said:

I met a girl back in June on Tinder and we hit it off pretty good. Met a couple of times and I took her out sailing an afternoon. Sex was had. We stayed in touch a bit during our respective vacations but now as I texted her again two days ago just to ask how she’s been, there’s silence. 

So the question is - when do I give up? Is the silence answer enough? Is it a dating faux pas to send something along the lines of “hey did you get my message” or even “I guess this means you want no contact, let me know if I’m wrong“?

After only two days? I would say don't. If you don't get an answer for a whole week, then maybe. But two days is nothing.

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5 minutes ago, Erik of Hazelfield said:

By the way isn’t it funny how it’s completely possible for us to give great advice to other people and then when it comes to ourselves we can’t figure out the easiest stuff? 

Oh god tell me about it. I never seem to take my own advice, even when I know it's a good idea.

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2 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

He comes from Cameroon. I literally know nothing about habits there.

Not an expert, nor trying to generalize about Africa or African men...but in that context, yeah, sounds familiar. Come-on that is simultaneously slightly passive-aggressive and yet also crosses what might be considered bounds of creepiness/respect/good taste...there's probably a real element of cultural miscommunication there, but also sounds like that was probably a thing and a bit of face-saving.

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Going camping next weekend of the Perseid meteor shower, with the girl I mentioned before (and a bunch of other people, few of us know each other very well), though she and I STILL haven't actually met face to face, like 7 months later...  Yeah I'm (still) confused.  We did talk on the phone for the first time a few days ago and she asked a bunch of questions about the weekend and who's going, that I had already answered online in the same amount of detail, and she just kept asking me to go over the same stuff.  Then when I was answering she'd talk over me constantly.  I don't what was going on really.  I trust she's not like that all the time..  is it wishful thinking on my part to think she was nervous to talk to me?

She sounded totally enthusiastic to go, whereas before I was paranoid she'd back out of it when she's my ride to it, leaving me stuck not going on my own trip I planned.  I even offered to get a ride back home with someone else, because she joked about going off to do something else if only she didn't have to drive us... but then she insisted that she just doesn't abandon people and would definitely drive us back, despite having to get up early on the Monday to do so.  Also throughout the hour we talked she started monologuing about various subjects in a lot of detail (she likes preparing for extreme apocalyptic scenarios just for fun), and the phone connection was bad so I didn't actually understand everything she was saying.

I'm not expecting chemistry at this point, but this IS pretty much a repeat of the first girl I ever fell in love with and dated, if only briefly.  So confused...  I have an habit of being pessimistic and optimistic simultaneously, just never realistic haha.

She's also gung-ho about making camping with this group an annual thing, since we're similar types of people.  Which is what I had in mind when I thought this up back in March.

When I talked about my past involvement with space research, and doing live simulations of Mars missions in extreme environments like the Arctic, she reiterated that basically that's what she wants to do with her life - go to Mars, permanently.  Sharing dreams is a big deal to me, and I think to most people.  Finding someone who shares a pretty rare dream like that is enticing.  I feel hopeful and hopeless, intensely and simultaneously.

 

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That sounds great, SpaceChampion. I say don’t overthink it at this point, just try to have a nice time and afterwards you’ll probably have a better idea if you two get along well or not.

I have to admit it would be awesome to find someone who shares your passion in life. Just don’t fall into the trap of thinking this must necessarily be your soul mate just because she likes astronomy. Just take it slow, keep your mind open and see where it leads. Good luck!

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7 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

Yes, there were also some other things ib that email that did not look so "just friendly" to me. Not to nention there were a bunch of other messages between that, in a span of two days, that kept getting more and more desperate. And he showed up at my door the third day after I did not answer. (At that point, I told him to back off because I was creeped out).

IDK, maybe. :dunno:

He comes from Cameroon. I literally know nothing about habits there.

Ok, yeah.....that sounds a litte bit desperated...indeed:huh:.

Like Datepalm suggests I'd say it's more face-saving, maybe being ashamed of admitting he was direct and you didn't respond as he wanted..although I have no idea either of Cameroon's culture, either.

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