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Datepalm

Dating: to play the part of the one who doesn't wait

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16 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I think that's a good attitude and most of the time I'm absolutely 100% the same way and fine with it. Guess I'm just feeling a bit weird today becase I'be been ill so it' the first time I've left the house in 2 weeks and feeling a bit weird socially.  But my degree and work opportunities seem to be pretty good right now and soon to be pasing my driving test & then the world is my oyster!!! Maybe

 

^_^ thank you x

No maybes about it. Hope you are feeling better. 

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8 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

Theda, if it helps any - my experience is that when I was most happy with myself and my life, that is when people noticed that and that is when things started happening in this particular direction too. ;) So you are on a good path, I am sure something will come along for you.

This is good advice too.  Hope you're feeling better TB. 

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Oh gosh sorry guys LOL 

Actually my life is going pretty well & lots of cool stuff is happening. 

I was drunk and feeling sorry for myself and living in a rural area and not in a city anymore makes me sad and bored a lot but when I can drive & finish my masters I'll be trying to move up country anyway! Preferably a city LOL 

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Theda,

I would also, suggest, if you haven't told this crush how you feel and of your interest, you really should do so.

If you had and he denied you and now you are trying to do the friendship thing; you might need distance to let some of the emotionality become less volatile.  Sometimes our emotional mind is just too strong for our logical mind to control and we need to give it time to get through it.  There is no shame in that, it is just how we are wired.

Either way, none of this is a race, this kind of stuff just comes as you make life happen.  People become interested in you when you are doing interesting things; and it sounds like that is the way you are going.

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59 minutes ago, Guy Kilmore said:

Theda,

I would also, suggest, if you haven't told this crush how you feel and of your interest, you really should do so.

If you had and he denied you and now you are trying to do the friendship thing; you might need distance to let some of the emotionality become less volatile.  Sometimes our emotional mind is just too strong for our logical mind to control and we need to give it time to get through it.  There is no shame in that, it is just how we are wired.

Either way, none of this is a race, this kind of stuff just comes as you make life happen.  People become interested in you when you are doing interesting things; and it sounds like that is the way you are going.

Oh I haven't said anything like that lol. Too nervous. Especially when he goes on about girls a lot when I'm right there so I'm thinking it's like a subtle not so subtle way of saying he's not interested. Which is cool! Im not pining tbh. We are working on a museum project together and we all hang out and go to the pub a lot and tbh I'm just really happy to hang out like that and actually socialise a bit - it's really nice so Im fine with it really. I do think if I were to move out of this county I'd tell him right before I go though because I'm a coward LOL 

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I'm petrified of indicating interest. I mean it doesn't happen all the time but every now and again over the years I've liked someone or fancied someone and just haven' told them at all because I'm not my best self yet. Like I keep telling myself if I lose another stone in weight or move out of my parents house or pass my driving test then I'll try and date but sometimes I worry I'm always shifting the goal posts in some ways & I'll never be an idealised version of myself and the version of myself I am right now is actually pretty cool these days. Who knows. Thanks lol 

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Blech. Anyone remember my weird episode* with the threesome invite from like two years ago? I was telling this story to a friend who I got to know pretty recently, and in the verve of the telling, found myself quoting the - rather uncommon - name of the wife in the story. I tried to change it mid-stream to something more common, but stumbled just enough that the friend was on it in an instant, and, of course, given that there are exactly 14 people in this country, knew them both well - or had once. She then proceeded to fill me in on the sexual harassment allegations that had seen the dude kicked out of a couple of organizations I knew.

Blech. I remember the whole thing as oddball but really rather harmless, even kind of out-of-comfort-zone fun. Now it retroactively seems much more sinister and unpleasant.

In other news, PhD will apparently be taking me to UCLA or possibly Berkeley. Am I simultaneously weirdly disappointed and keenly aware that - precisely due to said disappointment - this is absolutely for the best, in terms of putting a solid continental plate between me and Mad Economist Guy over on the East Coast? Nah. Not at all. AT ALL.*

I'm sure I'll encounter no weirdness in LA on this account whatsoever. At all.

*I know. I know. Which weird episode, Datepalm?

 

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1 hour ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I'm petrified of indicating interest. I mean it doesn't happen all the time but every now and again over the years I've liked someone or fancied someone and just haven' told them at all because I'm not my best self yet. Like I keep telling myself if I lose another stone in weight or move out of my parents house or pass my driving test then I'll try and date but sometimes I worry I'm always shifting the goal posts in some ways & I'll never be an idealised version of myself and the version of myself I am right now is actually pretty cool these days. Who knows. Thanks lol 

I would take Guy's advice and tell him. One of the most important things in being successful at dating is getting over your fears of rejection (not you specifically, but as a general principle for everyone). I'm a pretty good looking guy (every tells me I look like a lot of famous good looking actors, who oddly don't look anything alike one another), but in HS I was always afraid of getting turned down even though I was pretty popular. This resulted in just a few LTRs and a few hook ups. In college I decided to say screw it and just not care if I got turned down anymore. That lead to a lot of successful dates and relationships, plus an increase in confidence in many other aspects of my life. And you'll notice as you age that this gets easier with practice. It might be scary at first, but trust me, you'll be happier by doing so. 

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2 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

I would take Guy's advice and tell him. One of the most important things in being successful at dating is getting over your fears of rejection (not you specifically, but as a general principle for everyone). I'm a pretty good looking guy (every tells me I look like a lot of famous good looking actors, who oddly don't look anything alike one another), but in HS I was always afraid of getting turned down even though I was pretty popular. This resulted in just a few LTRs and a few hook ups. In college I decided to say screw it and just not care if I got turned down anymore. That lead to a lot of successful dates and relationships, plus an increase in confidence in many other aspects of my life. And you'll notice as you age that this gets easier with practice. It might be scary at first, but trust me, you'll be happier by doing so. 

Oh see the thing with me is I was a gigantic loser in school, ugly and awkward and unsure of everything and a huge nerd & everyone knew it LOL. I don't think I've ever grown out of some of that mindset even though I'm 24 next month, pretty good socially & have lots of very nice friends and am reasonably likeable as a person because I'm friendly with LOTS of interests but I absolutely can't view myself as someone who anyone could be physically attracted to and that's my biggest dumb hurdle & I know it's stupid but body dysmorphia sucks and why I feel bad for guys having to be socialised to make the first move even though that's really unfair but I'm part of the problem because I never have done. I think I'm probably reaching the point when I'll have to soon though. How many more years am I going to make myself weight lmao I don' even necessarily want to date anyone i quite like being a lone wolf in some ways but to date & hookup with people when I'm still in my 20s and APPARENTLY in my prime would be nice :| :|

 

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16 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Oh see the thing with me is I was a gigantic loser in school, ugly and awkward and unsure of everything and a huge nerd & everyone knew it LOL. I don't think I've ever grown out of some of that mindset even though I'm 24 next month, pretty good socially & have lots of very nice friends and am reasonably likeable as a person because I'm friendly with LOTS of interests but I absolutely can't view myself as someone who anyone could be physically attracted to and that's my biggest dumb hurdle & I know it's stupid but body dysmorphia sucks and why I feel bad for guys having to be socialised to make the first move even though that's really unfair but I'm part of the problem because I never have done. I think I'm probably reaching the point when I'll have to soon though. How many more years am I going to make myself weight lmao I don' even necessarily want to date anyone i quite like being a lone wolf in some ways but to date & hookup with people when I'm still in my 20s and APPARENTLY in my prime would be nice :| :|

 

I understand Theda. I had the same issues growing up. The only thing I can say is that however great the pain of asking and being rejected is, every time after it does get less and less painful.

You are an attractive woman. There is more to attraction than physical looks. You come across to me as very sweet and intelligent and as someone I enjoy having as a friend. I am sure there are younger and closer men who feel the same way. Don't give up. 

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21 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I'm petrified of indicating interest. I mean it doesn't happen all the time but every now and again over the years I've liked someone or fancied someone and just haven' told them at all because I'm not my best self yet. Like I keep telling myself if I lose another stone in weight or move out of my parents house or pass my driving test then I'll try and date but sometimes I worry I'm always shifting the goal posts in some ways & I'll never be an idealised version of myself and the version of myself I am right now is actually pretty cool these days. Who knows. Thanks lol 

You should really work on being more present.  Everyone has things that they are postponing until the next best thing happens.  You can continue that until the end of time if you so desire, but then you're letting life pass you by.  You always have a choice to make an excuse, or make something happen.  It's not just dating either, but life in general.  Look for ways to take steps in all the things you want to change and gain confidence that you have enough control to move the needle in the right direction.  That confidence will spill over into the rest of your life, which will include your dating life.

I was in a terrible spot just a couple years ago.  Broken hearted, fat, stressful job, floundering band.... life just wasn't great.  Started dating a girl who got me into yoga and started being more present in everything I did and it changed my life.

You got this and you've got a lot of support, so stay strong and figure out where you want to make changes and just go for it.

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1 hour ago, maarsen said:

I understand Theda. I had the same issues growing up. The only thing I can say is that however great the pain of asking and being rejected is, every time after it does get less and less painful.

You are an attractive woman. There is more to attraction than physical looks. You come across to me as very sweet and intelligent and as someone I enjoy having as a friend. I am sure there are younger and closer men who feel the same way. Don't give up. 

That's an interesting idea...about it getting less painful and I suppose I've never even tried once. 

& Thank you ^_^

50 minutes ago, aceluby said:

You should really work on being more present.  Everyone has things that they are postponing until the next best thing happens.  You can continue that until the end of time if you so desire, but then you're letting life pass you by.  You always have a choice to make an excuse, or make something happen.  It's not just dating either, but life in general.  Look for ways to take steps in all the things you want to change and gain confidence that you have enough control to move the needle in the right direction.  That confidence will spill over into the rest of your life, which will include your dating life.

I was in a terrible spot just a couple years ago.  Broken hearted, fat, stressful job, floundering band.... life just wasn't great.  Started dating a girl who got me into yoga and started being more present in everything I did and it changed my life.

You got this and you've got a lot of support, so stay strong and figure out where you want to make changes and just go for it.

Yeah I absolutely 100% hear what you're saying. And actually for the first time in my life I'm moving in all the right directions. I'm getting great grades in my Masters degree, I'm working on a podcast in my free time, I'm learning to drive and I'm volunteering and taking part in lots of museum & heritage stuff for work and so everything else is going really well and my life (other than living with my parents and not exceed exercising as much as I'd like) is good!

Ooh...typing it out like that make me now feel a bit better about myself anyway LOL. 

And I definitely need to get into Yoga...definitely something on my list to finally give a go...

Maybe I should just try and ask someone out just for the anecdote for this thread even if it doesn' work out lol so I have more to add to this thread other than the same self conscious shit I've been posting here since I was 20 years old.  

Thanks all! Given me a bit to think about...& feeling quite hopeful and happy in general with the other areas of my life. 

Just need the confidence to ask someone out!!! Gonna watch lots of scenes from rom coms where they get people to do that lmao

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On 3/13/2018 at 7:42 PM, Theda Baratheon said:

Oh see the thing with me is I was a gigantic loser in school, ugly and awkward and unsure of everything and a huge nerd & everyone knew it LOL. I don't think I've ever grown out of some of that mindset even though I'm 24 next month, pretty good socially & have lots of very nice friends and am reasonably likeable as a person because I'm friendly with LOTS of interests but I absolutely can't view myself as someone who anyone could be physically attracted to and that's my biggest dumb hurdle & I know it's stupid but body dysmorphia sucks and why I feel bad for guys having to be socialised to make the first move even though that's really unfair but I'm part of the problem because I never have done. I think I'm probably reaching the point when I'll have to soon though. How many more years am I going to make myself weight lmao I don' even necessarily want to date anyone i quite like being a lone wolf in some ways but to date & hookup with people when I'm still in my 20s and APPARENTLY in my prime would be nice :| :|

 

Ok a bunch of things going on here,

I will echo what other people said.  You ask him, "Hey, [insert name of cute crush person], I like you and want to get to know you better, can we go get somewhere for coffee and chat?"  The worst is he says no and you are in a spot where you have to mourn your fantasy and move on.  You get used to hearing it and it gets less of a big deal.

The other reason to ask is this, when you are in an ambiguous situation, it becomes a canvas in which we can project all our insecurities onto it, which builds it up, then reflects it back at us, which in turn just amps up the anxiety.  You want to feel less anxious, one of the steps is to clear up ambiguity in your life.  As Ace said, be present, be active.

Lastly, just, at this age and guys, you are way overthinking about what he is thinking.  (See Anxiety Canvas in the above paragraph.)  Most guys are not thinking about relationships the way that you are.  For them it is more of a binary choice and the only reason you don't know what he thinks is because that option was not presented to him.

And universally, there is a partner for EVERYONE.  People are as varied as their attractions.  The only way you can know what someone is attracted to is just to, well, put yourself out there.

Unrelated,

Datepalm, have fun in LA!  California has some beautiful hiking.  Yes, everything should go.......normally.....

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What has almost always worked for me is just asking "Hey, we should really hang out together sometime" as an opener and gauge the reaction from there.  If it's positive, follow up with "how about dinner sometime this week or next?".  Bam!  Date.

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1 hour ago, aceluby said:

What has almost always worked for me is just asking "Hey, we should really hang out together sometime" as an opener and gauge the reaction from there.  If it's positive, follow up with "how about dinner sometime this week or next?".  Bam!  Date.

Your Minnesota is showing, 

Theda, take GK's advice.

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I’ve never posted in here but seeing the excellent advice everyone else is given, I’ve decided to try my luck.

So I’m single again after a 4-year relationship of which the last 4 months was as husband and wife. Not a perfect relationship but I really loved her and we were very cute to each other (lots of cuddling, laughs and just generally being silly together). The thing that broke it was the issue of having children - I wanted it, she didn’t. We had discussed it in the past of course and she wasn’t sure and I promised I’d be ok with whatever she decided, but when she finally did say she really didn’t want kids I broke down and was devastated for days and after that there just wasn’t any saving the relationship. Not only did I feel like shit, I also felt shitty for not be able to keep my promise. Even if I’m mostly over her and am kind of relieved, I’m still haunted by a terribly bad conscience over that. 

Fast-forward 4 months, one sold house, one new apartment and one new job later (all of which are good, so my life is actually great apart from the fact that I’m 34 and single which isn’t what I want). Now I’ve gotten myself a Tinder profile to see if I can find someone to hook up with. 

Now to my actual question: there’s this girl I’ve seen on two dates now. She’s nice, sort of interesting and I really like her choice of hobbies (skiing and trekking). But I just don’t feel that into her, mostly because I just don’t think she’s that good looking. I feel like a horrible person both because I know I have to turn her down and because I feel like a shallow asshat who turns people down because of their looks. (She’s not even ugly, just not my type.)

Now it’s been two weeks since our last date and neither of us has texted each other again. I’m kind of thinking it’s a test on her side to see how interested I am. Or maybe she feels the same way and just doesn’t want to see me. In any case: how the hell do you do this? I can barely say no to people stopping me and trying to sell me stuff in malls because I feel sorry for them. How do you turn down someone who actually likes you and might want to get into a relationship? You’re rejecting their very person! At least with the sales people I can always tell them I don’t need a new cellphone right now.

This thing is crushing me. How am I supposed to date if I can’t say no to people? That seems like a sure recipe for disaster. Is it a complete dick move to just do nothing? Is it even worse to send a message after two weeks saying you’re not interested, like twisting the knife when it was already obvious?

More generally: at what point do you cut things off when you don’t hit it off that great and how do you do it?

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17 minutes ago, Xray the Enforcer said:

She already knows you're not interested. The two week silence is your key. 

Yeah. If neither person has tried to make conversation then it's pretty safe to say neither person is that bothered lol. 

I doubt she's pining away or doing a weird test. She's probably just not that interested either. 

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