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Datepalm

Dating: to play the part of the one who doesn't wait

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2 hours ago, Erik of Hazelfield said:

Thanks. Makes me feel a bit better. 

I understand the anxiety tho lol its why I don't even bother with any of those sites. I don't think think they suit me. I try them and then just get nervous 

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10 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I understand the anxiety tho lol its why I don't even bother with any of those sites. I don't think think they suit me. I try them and then just get nervous 

My problem with them is that they feel too much like work. Reading profiles feels like reading job adverts. And trying to type an intro message feels like writing a cover letter. I find the whole experience weirdly reminiscent of a job hunt, with similar levels of stress and frustration.

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2 hours ago, Liffguard said:

My problem with them is that they feel too much like work. Reading profiles feels like reading job adverts. And trying to type an intro message feels like writing a cover letter. I find the whole experience weirdly reminiscent of a job hunt, with similar levels of stress and frustration.

Yeah I think it's definitely comparable to that and just leaves me a bit cold really. 

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I think it’s sort of a balance. On one hand, I agree completely - it feels wrong to have love reduced to answering ads in a job-searching manner. On the other hand, in my experience the strategy of just waiting for love to walk into your life all by itself is pretty damn inefficient and will likely keep you waiting for a really long time. Hooking up in bars seems at best marginally better than online dating. So what do you do?

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On 4/22/2018 at 8:30 AM, Erik of Hazelfield said:

Now to my actual question: there’s this girl I’ve seen on two dates now. She’s nice, sort of interesting and I really like her choice of hobbies (skiing and trekking). But I just don’t feel that into her, mostly because I just don’t think she’s that good looking. I feel like a horrible person both because I know I have to turn her down and because I feel like a shallow asshat who turns people down because of their looks. (She’s not even ugly, just not my type.)

Now it’s been two weeks since our last date and neither of us has texted each other again. I’m kind of thinking it’s a test on her side to see how interested I am. Or maybe she feels the same way and just doesn’t want to see me. In any case: how the hell do you do this? I can barely say no to people stopping me and trying to sell me stuff in malls because I feel sorry for them. How do you turn down someone who actually likes you and might want to get into a relationship? You’re rejecting their very person! At least with the sales people I can always tell them I don’t need a new cellphone right now.

This thing is crushing me. How am I supposed to date if I can’t say no to people? That seems like a sure recipe for disaster. Is it a complete dick move to just do nothing? Is it even worse to send a message after two weeks saying you’re not interested, like twisting the knife when it was already obvious?

More generally: at what point do you cut things off when you don’t hit it off that great and how do you do it?

I struggled with this in my single days as well.  I stayed with my college gf for WAAY longer than I should have, because I knew she would be devestated, I didn't want to do that, and I could always convince myself that "maybe it'll work out/I'll feel differently".  But that was stupid on my park, and in the end the breakup was worse because of stupid decisions I had made.  I vowed never to do that again.

Fast forward a few years later and I was in a situation almost exactly as you describe.  We went on maybe 4 dates, and I liked her and enjoyed hanging out, but really didn't feel a lot of spark/attraction.  I broke it off and it really wasn't that bad.  Like it wasn't what she wanted to hear, but nobody wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them.  If you say you want out, then they want out too.  And if you've only been on a few dates, it isn't that big a deal to break things off.  Just do it, it'll be better for both of you.   

And this is all probably moot in this case.  If you haven't contacted each other for two weeks, you are essentially done already.  If she reaches out asking what happened, just tell the truth that you weren't really feeling it.  But in all likelihood she won't, and that will be that. 

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Thanks. I was in a similar situation with a previous girlfriend and only mustered the courage to break up when we almost bought an apartment together. Needless to say, that hurt her way more than if I had done it earlier.

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Every guy I have ever been into is some form of a catastrophe. It's empirical now.

My big crush from highschool suddenly surfaced on my feed in a clip tagged "OMG how much of a douche can you be", presenting a tv segment on, wait for it, the Israel-Palestine separation barrier...and why it needs to be prettier so all those human rights orgs criticize it less. And being, indeed, a great deal of douche. Wut.

Lesson 1: I need to live in a bigger country
Lesson 2: ...

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Datepalm said:

Every guy I have ever been into is some form of a catastrophe. It's empirical now.

My big crush from highschool suddenly surfaced on my feed in a clip tagged "OMG how much of a douche can you be", presenting a tv segment on, wait for it, the Israel-Palestine separation barrier...and why it needs to be prettier so all those human rights orgs criticize it less. And being, indeed, a great deal of douche. Wut.

Lesson 1: I need to live in a bigger country
Lesson 2: ...

Are you Israeli? I swear, whenever I hear Israeli talk they all seem to know each other, like it's a village more than a country.

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It's a fucking matchbox.

Incidentally - officially moving to the Bay Area this summer. I heard there's more people there?

5 hours ago, theguyfromtheVale said:

Be happy things with Douche stayed in the high school crush phase? I mean, I do pity his current partner (if that person exists).

Oh yeah. It seems like that whole group of friends all turned out a rather smarmy bunch, disproportionally working in politics and media, mostly in sad, sad, psuedo-centerist-actually-fascist sort of orgs. Oh god am I also that now???

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On ‎23‎/‎04‎/‎2018 at 6:43 AM, Erik of Hazelfield said:

I think it’s sort of a balance. On one hand, I agree completely - it feels wrong to have love reduced to answering ads in a job-searching manner. On the other hand, in my experience the strategy of just waiting for love to walk into your life all by itself is pretty damn inefficient and will likely keep you waiting for a really long time. Hooking up in bars seems at best marginally better than online dating. So what do you do?

Well I think that's a bit of a false dichotomy. You don't have to just sit back and wait just because you're not using dating sites/apps. You can join a club, or a sports team. Take a class. Volunteer. To be clear, I'm not saying someone should do these things purely as a dating vehicle. It's really easy to spot the new guy who turns up and immediately starts hitting on every woman in the vicinity. But they put you out into the world and in contact with like-minded people and so increase the chances of meeting someone you hit it off with.

Or there are more explicit singles events like speed-dating or similar. Very much not my thing, but still another avenue to explore if you want to be active in finding a partner but not use online dating.

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9 minutes ago, Arch-MaesterPhilip said:

So I found out a long time friends sister and she said yes. Is that weird? Or wrong or anything?

You mean asked out? 

To answer your other questions, you need to provide more details.  Have you talked about this with your friend?  Is there any weird age difference between the two of you? 

It's probably fine.  But there is definitely a chance that your friendship may suffer if things go south with her.  That's something you're going to have to weigh in these decisions. 

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5 minutes ago, Maithanet said:

You mean asked out? 

To answer your other questions, you need to provide more details.  Have you talked about this with your friend?  Is there any weird age difference between the two of you? 

It's probably fine.  But there is definitely a chance that your friendship may suffer if things go south with her.  That's something you're going to have to weigh in these decisions. 

Yes, that. She's been single awhile and I threw it out there. It hasn't come up yet. Not really. We're both in our 30's, there shouldn't be any problem with him. He hooked up with one of my sisters previously.

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1 hour ago, Arch-MaesterPhilip said:

Yes, that. She's been single awhile and I threw it out there. It hasn't come up yet. Not really. We're both in our 30's, there shouldn't be any problem with him. He hooked up with one of my sisters previously.

If you're both in your 30s that means there probably shouldn't be too many problems.  There is still the chance the friendship would suffer if things go badly, but that's a risk you're probably willing to take. 

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1 hour ago, Maithanet said:

If you're both in your 30s that means there probably shouldn't be too many problems.  There is still the chance the friendship would suffer if things go badly, but that's a risk you're probably willing to take. 

Yeah, it's no as if I'm pushing 30 and she's a junior in high school. And I'm not planning on just trying to score and disappearing, it's a conversation we're going to need to have before bringing it up with him.

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I cut my hair for the first time in eight months last week.

                                          :bawl:

However, several attractive women I know have told me it looks great.

                                                      :D

That combined with my newly found singleness and a winter of weight lifting, this summer should be fun.

                                                                                    :cool4:

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... and she's just texted me to tell me that she's decided to start dating someone else exclusively. Fair enough, but I really need to stop getting my hopes up in such situations.

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8 hours ago, Roose Boltons Pet Leech said:

... and she's just texted me to tell me that she's decided to start dating someone else exclusively. Fair enough, but I really need to stop getting my hopes up in such situations.

That sucks.  Better to know than not to know, but still.  Stings a bit, I'm sure.

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