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Dating: to play the part of the one who doesn't wait

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12 hours ago, Roose Boltons Pet Leech said:

... and she's just texted me to tell me that she's decided to start dating someone else exclusively. Fair enough, but I really need to stop getting my hopes up in such situations.

At least you know where you stand. But yeah, it sucks when your hopes get dashed.

In other news, I think I might be developing feelings for a friend, and I have absolutely no idea what to do with this information. On the one hand, I get the impression that if I asked her if she wanted to date she'd say yes. On the other hand, I'm pretty confused about what it is that I'm actually feeling, and I don't want to potentially jeopardise I really good friendship over what might just be a passing moment of insanity. Excuse the TMI, but it's been a really long time and I don't know if my brain is just latching onto the nearest available woman. But then, I also do really enjoy her company and miss her when she's gone. Why the fuck can't I just feel things and know what it is that I'm feeling without having to over-analyse and second-guess everything?

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1 hour ago, Liffguard said:

At least you know where you stand. But yeah, it sucks when your hopes get dashed.

In other news, I think I might be developing feelings for a friend, and I have absolutely no idea what to do with this information. On the one hand, I get the impression that if I asked her if she wanted to date she'd say yes. On the other hand, I'm pretty confused about what it is that I'm actually feeling, and I don't want to potentially jeopardise I really good friendship over what might just be a passing moment of insanity. Excuse the TMI, but it's been a really long time and I don't know if my brain is just latching onto the nearest available woman. But then, I also do really enjoy her company and miss her when she's gone. Why the fuck can't I just feel things and know what it is that I'm feeling without having to over-analyse and second-guess everything?

That is a hard place to be.  I think, it is possible to develop feelings for someone you have had a long friendship be, you know your own thoughts.

I guess it comes down to if you can have a mature conversation about it with her.  Lay it out a bit and share what what you just shared here, that you really enjoy her company and miss her when she is gone.  That you are having feelings, you aren't sure if it is love, but it is more than friendship.  That you really treasure the relationship and don't want to do something that loses it and ask her what she thinks and feels.  And then be able to live with that answer.

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Liff, that's hard. I always err on the side of not saying things because good friendships are hard to come by, but plenty of people have made very good relationships out of friendships and my dating life hasn't exactly been a shining beacon of success!

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Hey guys. It's been... a very long time.  Happy to see this thread is still going.

I'm single-ish now... e-dating a Canadian dude lol  I mean, why not, right?  Only downside is less sex (meaning none) but frankly, only so many positive things can come from rando Tinder sex and I can always go back if it doesn't work out for me.  

But really I just came back for the reputation points.  And because I like (some of) you.

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On 5/8/2018 at 7:34 PM, Guy Kilmore said:

That is a hard place to be.  I think, it is possible to develop feelings for someone you have had a long friendship be, you know your own thoughts.

I guess it comes down to if you can have a mature conversation about it with her.  Lay it out a bit and share what what you just shared here, that you really enjoy her company and miss her when she is gone.  That you are having feelings, you aren't sure if it is love, but it is more than friendship.  That you really treasure the relationship and don't want to do something that loses it and ask her what she thinks and feels.  And then be able to live with that answer.

 

21 hours ago, Starkess said:

Liff, that's hard. I always err on the side of not saying things because good friendships are hard to come by, but plenty of people have made very good relationships out of friendships and my dating life hasn't exactly been a shining beacon of success!

Thanks for the input. Right now I'm leaning more towards just ignoring it. As you say, good friendships are hard to come by, and if I made this weird it has the potential to ruin not just this friendship, but also spread awkwardness through my social circle as a whole. If I was 100% sure of my feelings I think I'd  lay it out there, but right now I'm too confused to risk it. Hopefully a bit of time and this will die down a bit like crushes generally do.

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@Liffguard

And @ others who are in that situation:

Best course of action is to loudly play this song in their presence and see how they respond

 

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So, went into a date from okcupid. The convo there went slow and awkward, she gave me her number without asking after teasing her for not replying to me, and then within a day we arranged the date.

The date was superb, one of the best dates I ever had, and arguably the best one originating from some online site. There was real chemistry between us, no awkward silence and a lot of laughs. At the end of the date, she mentions that she had a good time and wants to see me again, we agreed to meet on this Thursday (long short story, she's a cabin crew and was going to Hong Kong, returning on Wednesday, while I am going to Prague for a long weekend on Friday, so Thursday was the only option). No kiss, but two long huggs. A couple of hours after the date, I sent her a message saying that I had an amazing time and want to see her again, she replies immediately that she had an amazing time, and want to continue seeing me, adding 'my treat next time'. Short texting continues, and we leave to call her in a few days to arrange the second date.

Yesterday afternoon called her in Whatsapp but she doesn't reply despite being online. Then she goes immediately off, and until a couple of hours ago she doesn't get in online. Anyway, no reply, not even reading the text (obviously, she has read it with one of whatsapp tricks), and to be fair, not even logged in okcupid.

Now, while I usually don't care after a first date going cold, this time it is a bit different cause it was really an amazing date, and we both agreed to meet again (including the day) both in person and with texting after. No endless messages after that to look needy.

I don't mind too much getting rejected, it happens to everyone, but why on Earth she has to ghost me after this? It is totally classless. A polite short message telling that 'she doesn't like me romantically', 'or she decided to date someone else exclusively' is the right thing to do in these circumstances, right? And if the guy is not a total douchebag, he will accept it, send a short message to her thanking for letting him know, and that's it. 

 

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4 minutes ago, TheRevanchist said:

So, went into a date from okcupid. The convo there went slow and awkward, she gave me her number without teasing after teasing her for not replying to me, and then within a date we arranged the date.

The date was superb, one of the best dates I ever had, and arguably the best one originating from some online site. There was real chemistry between us, no awkward silence and a lot of laughs. At the end of the date, she mentions that she had a good time and wants to see me again, we agreed to meet on this Thursday (long short story, she's a cabin crew and was going to Hong Kong, returning on Wednesday, while I am going to Prague for a long weekend on Friday, so Thursday was the only option). No kiss, but two long huggs. A couple of hours after the date, I sent her a message saying that I had an amazing time and want to see her again, she replies immediately that she had an amazing time, and want to continue seeing me, adding 'my treat next time'. Short texting continues, and we leave to call her in a few days to arrange the second date.

Yesterday evening called her in Whatsapp but she doesn't reply despite being online. Then she goes immediately off, and until a couple of hours ago she doesn't get in online. Anyway, no reply, not even reading the text (obviously, she has read it with one of whatsapp tricks), and to be fair, not even logged in okcupid.

Now, while I usually don't care after a first date going cold, this time it is a bit different cause it was really an amazing date, and we both agreed to meet again (including the day) both in person and with texting after. No endless messages after that to look needy.

I don't mind too much getting rejected, it happens to everyone, but why on Earth she has to ghost me after this? It is totally classless. A polite short message telling that 'she doesn't like me romantically', 'or she decided to date someone else exclusively' is the right thing to do in these circumstances, right? And if the guy is not a total douchebag, she will accept it, send a short message to her thanking for letting him know, and that's it. 

 

Give a little more time maybe? Sounds like it's only been a few days? Ghosting is horrible, I agree. But maybe she just has some stuff going on and I hope she gets back to you soon.

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Just now, Theda Baratheon said:

Give a little more time maybe? Sounds like it's only been a few days? Ghosting is horrible, I agree. But maybe she just has some stuff going on and I hope she gets back to you soon.

I sent it yesterday at around 1pm, so around couple of days. Of course, I am going to wait, there is not much else I can do. I don't text twice in a row (it never works, and it is a bit dignity-less), and I know that she doesn't own me anything. However, I think that ghosting in okcupid/tinder is okay, ghosting after a meh date is acceptable, but ghosting after already agreed for the second date is a bit jerk-ish. Just send a short message making clear that it isn't happening, like a decent being. I still have two friends with whom it wasn't meant to be, but I appreciated a lot them doing the decent thing.

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8 minutes ago, TheRevanchist said:

I sent it yesterday at around 1pm, so around couple of days. Of course, I am going to wait, there is not much else I can do. I don't text twice in a row (it never works, and it is a bit dignity-less), and I know that she doesn't own me anything. However, I think that ghosting in okcupid/tinder is okay, ghosting after a meh date is acceptable, but ghosting after already agreed for the second date is a bit jerk-ish. Just send a short message making clear that it isn't happening, like a decent being. I still have two friends with whom it wasn't meant to be, but I appreciated a lot them doing the decent thing.

Oh, I agree ghosting is horrible. 

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51 minutes ago, TheRevanchist said:

I sent it yesterday at around 1pm, so around couple of days. Of course, I am going to wait, there is not much else I can do. I don't text twice in a row (it never works, and it is a bit dignity-less), and I know that she doesn't own me anything. However, I think that ghosting in okcupid/tinder is okay, ghosting after a meh date is acceptable, but ghosting after already agreed for the second date is a bit jerk-ish. Just send a short message making clear that it isn't happening, like a decent being. I still have two friends with whom it wasn't meant to be, but I appreciated a lot them doing the decent thing.

Bear in mind the time difference. May have been really early/late. 

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Just now, Derfel Cadarn said:

Bear in mind the time difference. May have been really early/late. 

She wasn't online until a few hours ago, but then she logged in and changed her whatsapp picture. She has definitely seen the message, just that has decided to not reply to it. Which is fine, I guess.

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I also say wait it out a bit.  She was traveling and any number of things could have gone wrong; or she was simply in a spot where she acknowledged and couldn't respond right away.

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Yeah I concurr.  Sometimes people who are travelling dont respond to nonlocal texts.  I know because that's how I work too.  Not justifying this practice, merely stating it exists. 

I'd expect you'd hear from her when she's back in town.

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Well, at least she has read the message now (blue ticks in WhatsApp), but of course no reply. I hate waiting!

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I just recently waited patiently two weeks for a reply, and before that like three weeks with the same woman.  After a couple months ago she was super excited to meet -- which was all her idea out of the blue after knowing each other for 3 years online casually -- because we have a lot in common, she even planned an evening out for a meetup group we're both in but somehow forgot she was away that weekend and without a phone (barred from using it at a yoga retreat) and didn't get in contact until I was already at the pub where we were starting out before going elsewhere for the activity she organized.   As we sorted out what happened we discovered she was working literally 5 minutes from my house most weekends for April (and I think May, not sure because she went silent) and set a specific day to have lunch or coffee for a date six weeks ago that came and went without hearing from her.  No apologies.  She was super busy.  I wondered if it was a shit-test just to see if I'd freak out on her?  Or she was just super busy and hadn't actually confirmed a time, so felt no obligation.  Well I didn't freak out and now I have a date for Monday, I think?

We've never met face to face before, and group meetings (only went twice) we've went to, the other did not.  Kept missing each other so it was her idea to meet up specifically so we could talk, so all this seemed weird and fickle.  But I know she has had some bad experiences in the past, including something that caused PTSD so I don't blame her if she was testing.  Women have to do what they have to do to protect themselves.

I actually believe her about being busy, but at times I didn't due to anxiety over the whole thing.  Setting up dates and wondering if they're ghosting me causes way more anxiety than anything else.  Especially after she initiated, and said I was fascinating.  Who uses the word fascinating about someone you don't want to meet? But I was patient (there's nothing really to do otherwise) and managed to get her attention in the online group, and she seems out of her reclusion now, asking when the next group meeting is.  Now I have a lunch date for next Monday (Victoria Day) after she's done work in the morning, and she's picking me up.  Or she will if the quantum wave function and the Schrodinger's cat in the box agree on what's she going to do that day.  I know her personality tends to oscillate from highly social to highly reclusive, so I understand her on that level, I just hope she doesn't swing the other way by Monday!

I actually don't know if this is a date date, or just hanging out.  We do have a lot to talk about, including a few projects I want to work with her on.  And we are both planning on going back to grad school soon, so I'm nervous that's going to screw up any budding relationship anyway, since it's probably 4 hours away in another city.  She suggested we actually do some online courses together regarding the machine learning algorithms I need to learn before I start my new degree.  I don't know about any of you, but when I flirt, I flirt by inviting someone to do a project like that together.  :leer:   And we're both have similar personalities, so this is all confusing.

 

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SpaceChampion, that sounds confusing as hell and you're a very patient person!!

I got my heart crushed this weekend by a dude who seemed to be SUPER INTO ME for the past several weeks but then wasn't willing to be exclusive so I decided it was best not to see him anymore. But then I felt absolutely terrible about this so I was like maybe we can still hang out anyway and he was like ehhh. So. Not happy about that.

Solution: made an OkCupid profile (in addition to my Tinder and Hinge), set up 5 dates in the next week, and am drinking lots of wine and crying about the idiot.

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4 hours ago, Starkess said:

SpaceChampion, that sounds confusing as hell and you're a very patient person!!

I got my heart crushed this weekend by a dude who seemed to be SUPER INTO ME for the past several weeks but then wasn't willing to be exclusive so I decided it was best not to see him anymore. But then I felt absolutely terrible about this so I was like maybe we can still hang out anyway and he was like ehhh. So. Not happy about that.

Solution: made an OkCupid profile (in addition to my Tinder and Hinge), set up 5 dates in the next week, and am drinking lots of wine and crying about the idiot.

Did you do some Generalising about men, perhaps? :D 

in all seriousness though, sorry it didn’t work out :( 

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