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Datepalm

Dating: to play the part of the one who doesn't wait

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On 3/28/2017 at 2:15 PM, Datepalm said:

 

clearing quote

@Toth

Yeah pretty much what Maithanet said (the Shriah is always on point).  Certainly doesn't sound like a lie.  

If you are looking for advice, hang in there, weather the storm of your education as best you can.  Might be nice to grab a bite to eat or a coffee or your other appreciated refreshment of choice with someone bearing similar slings and arrows.  

Best of luck with everything!

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1 hour ago, Maithanet said:

On the topic, this is generally an advice thread, and I'm not sure what you are asking.

Me neither. I thought just by rambling it off my mind I would feel better. And regarding that, the thread sure did serve its purpose for me.^^

1 hour ago, Maithanet said:

I would have no problem saying "I enjoyed working with you" to any of my colleagues in my grad program back in the day, even people I never shared a specific project with.  Seems like a very normal, friendly thing to say.

To me too. And I usually tend to not read to much into stuff like this, rare as it is anyway. It was just the pure awkward fake outburst of appreciation that struck me as odd. Especially since, well, I was pretty sick and lethargic this day and there certainly was no fun with me involved. She was also absent for half of the meeting...

I am certainly just going to continue as always and see if the weirdness changes. But I am sure as hell not embarrassing myself by assuming anything other than an interest in a healthy working climate. Heck, I'm still struggling with getting myself What's App to join the project group and keep in touch with the others, simply because I never needed to 'keep in touch' with anyone for that matter. I'm that kind of a recluse.

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35 minutes ago, Toth said:

Me neither. I thought just by rambling it off my mind I would feel better. And regarding that, the thread sure did serve its purpose for me.^^

To me too. And I usually tend to not read to much into stuff like this, rare as it is anyway. It was just the pure awkward fake outburst of appreciation that struck me as odd. Especially since, well, I was pretty sick and lethargic this day and there certainly was no fun with me involved. She was also absent for half of the meeting...

I am certainly just going to continue as always and see if the weirdness changes. But I am sure as hell not embarrassing myself by assuming anything other than an interest in a healthy working climate. Heck, I'm still struggling with getting myself What's App to join the project group and keep in touch with the others, simply because I never needed to 'keep in touch' with anyone for that matter. I'm that kind of a recluse.

I think you need to stop being so hard on her...and yourself lol. What if It wasn't fake and she genuinely was happy to have someone to talk to? You can't help who you naturally click and get on with.  I mean what do YOU want to do? If you want to try and make a friend then it seems she's open to it and I think that could be helpful to you. It might just be as simple as that 

Also I'm sorry youre dealing with depression and burnouts and uni stress. It sucks majorly and hang in there

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13 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I think you need to stop being so hard on her...

I'm hard on her as well? I'm... not exactly sure how. But that might show just how out of my depth I am. As I said, I'm fairly sure she just wanted to say something nice and it came out awkwardly due to how far-fetched it was.

What I want... at the moment I would be fine just getting back out of my shell and not avoiding people because I'm tired and frozen by my self-loathing. Part of why I am so irritated as well is also because I managed to get into a severe fight with my mother on mother's day. Long story short, she had expressed her loosing her trust into my support to her through a series of unrelated and increasingly petty reproaches over the course of several weeks. I saw what she was actually getting at, but was unable to express my love in a way that she expected me to do. It ended with her telling me that I should not get her anything for mother's day, expecting me to ignore her and buy something regardless, and then flying into a rage that I haven't even brought her flowers when I ended up taking her by her words.

I learned two things from that: First: I can trust my readings of such situations, I saw it coming but was too selfish and focused on my own problems to act upon them. Second: Well, exactly this, I am too socially incompetent to be relied upon in any way. I hurt people through negligence, especially when I'm feeling miserable myself. I guess that's one of the major reasons why I try to avoid building up relationships to anyone. I fear that deep down I'm a narcissistic asshat just like my father. The only difference between us in our wallowing in self-pity is that I tend to blame myself and my lone-wolf tendencies, while he blames everyone but himself. Though I guess my complaining to the internet kinda blurs the lines, given that my choice of words is pure rationalization for my erratic social behavior.

I guess that's the end of it. I need to drag myself out of my current hole before I can stop seeing myself as a bother to people. Really, that's how it always was. I can only attempt to make progress and build up relationships when I'm not troubled by anything, simply because I know that then I fall back into my selfish instincts and hurt those I have built up relationships with. And since I'm always troubled by something in my trainwreck of a personal life, I prefer to keep my distance in the first place so that I don't even get the chance to hurt anybody accidentally. And that's where I still am...

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1 hour ago, Toth said:

I'm hard on her as well? I'm... not exactly sure how.

You accused her of lying with literally no evidence except your own mangled worldview.

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Yeah but you see its a vicious cycle - you can't say you want to wait until you're totally mentally healthy and together to build relationships because when you're miserable youre a bother because being alone and having no relationships around you will just make you more miserable. Better to have a friend who's a bit of an arse sometimes but who genuinely cares than no friend at all. 

And I only meant your choice of words saying her 'outburst' (probably just a statement really itsnt it unless she screamed unexpectedly) was 'fake' (how do you know she didn't mean it, you can't read others thoughts) and 'far fetched' are kind of harsh to both yourself and her. Have a bit more faith in people and yourself 

I'm sorry you got into a fight with tour mother but that doesn't mean you're a terrible person who causes misery and should be avoided at all costs 

Honestly trust me when I say that the less lonely and isolated you are, no matter HOW introverted you tell yourself you are, the less you will feel these things. Having friends isn't going to miraculously cure all depression but it's going to make you feel a hell of a lot better

I totally TOTALLY understand feeling like you're a bother to people but your choice of language and the way you're explaining everything is so so negative that it's going to be hard to change anything unless you change little things like that. 

2 minutes ago, Xray the Enforcer said:

You accused her of lying with literally no evidence except your own mangled worldview.

Yeah that's what I was getting at. I know you say this because of your negative view of YOURSELF but it's still harsh on her and arrogant to assume you know someone's mind more than they know their own. Gwt out of the habit of attributing thoughts and emotions to other people as difficult as that is and worry about your own. Because you'll NEVER be able to read minds so don't assume you can 

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Don't turn yourself into some despicable characters from a fantasy epic. View your situation in reality. You're a dude who is struggling with university work, depression and burnouts and maintaining relationships with others. That's it. It's no small thing and it's not insignificant but you're not some machiavellian villain in a gothic horror story, ya know???

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7 hours ago, Xray the Enforcer said:

You accused her of lying with literally no evidence except your own mangled worldview.

Did I sound... so bad? I haven't intended it as an accusation or something I would hold against her. It might also have been skwered through the translation. All I observed was her trying to say something nice in a very awkward manner that I took as just that: Something nice she tried to come up with.

7 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

And I only meant your choice of words saying her 'outburst' (probably just a statement really itsnt it unless she screamed unexpectedly) was 'fake' (how do you know she didn't mean it, you can't read others thoughts) and 'far fetched' are kind of harsh to both yourself and her.

She... kinda did scream though. With some flailing arm gestures even. If it wasn't looking so weird and sudden, I wouldn't have been so irritated in the first place. It really wasn't like the normal statement you do after work well done, more like a sudden attack before she dashed away.

I'm also a little confused. I know it is bad that I've put thought into it long afterwards, but I thought the key to interpersonal relationships is reading situations while they happen? That has nothing to do with arrogance or the attempt to read someone's mind, more that I always thought that you need to know what people expect you to say or do to avoid pitfalls that get you yelled at.

7 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Yeah but you see its a vicious cycle - you can't say you want to wait until you're totally mentally healthy and together to build relationships because when you're miserable youre a bother because being alone and having no relationships around you will just make you more miserable. Better to have a friend who's a bit of an arse sometimes but who genuinely cares than no friend at all.

I know it's a vicious cycle. But I still say no thank you to your statement of what is supposed to be better. I used to have at least one very bipolar 'friend' whose constant mood shifts made it unpredictable to say whether they cared about me or not at any given moment. I do prefer no friends to that. I still have acquintances to fulfill my basic needs of human contacts, it's just that I don't keep in touch so that they won't get into the awkward situation to call me 'friend'.

7 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Honestly trust me when I say that the less lonely and isolated you are, no matter HOW introverted you tell yourself you are, the less you will feel these things. Having friends isn't going to miraculously cure all depression but it's going to make you feel a hell of a lot better

That's honestly not the way I learned things work. You need to be really, really, really lucky to make any friends who care enough about you that they won't drop you the moment your world stops being all sunshine. I am kinda burned in that regard. I used to call people 'friends' and expected them to, well, I don't know, not to turn against me the moment it seemed to be the slightly more beneficial thing to do? The majority of people simply don't want to be friends with people who have troubles, especially when they let them catch on. That's too much of a bother.

8 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Don't turn yourself into some despicable characters from a fantasy epic. View your situation in reality. You're a dude who is struggling with university work, depression and burnouts and maintaining relationships with others. That's it. It's no small thing and it's not insignificant but you're not some machiavellian villain in a gothic horror story, ya know???

Now that's amusing, given my interest in character-driven drama. I never realized that the way I phrase my self-reflections may be biased by my writing. Though I may point out that I don't see myself as a villain, more like an unintentionally insensitive being who is full of conflicting and messed up anxieties which both restrain me socially, but still somehow drive me professionally.

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Toth- I have nothing but the best intentions saying this, so please do not read anything other than that into it- have you considered some counseling? It sounds like you are struggling with some depression and other issues and projecting that onto other situations. You're at college, yes? I'd be willing to bet there are some free resources for students, I think they might be of help to you.

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8 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I mean okay then?? 

Okay then.

@Kelli: I know my anxieties well enough, I know where they come from and try to tackle them one step at the time. I'm just currently in a hole due to being overworked and having all these annoying aches that get on to my nerves. I dare to say that this isn't a depression, my buried self-loathing and trust issues just surface when I'm in a low. It is already getting better since I've reduced the pressure on me and soon enough I can try to work on myself again, I think. Thanks regardless for the suggestion.

And with this, I'm dropping out of this thread. Have a good day, y'all.

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Does anyone have any experiences with the big online dating sites?  Finally got off my lazy butt and got a job, so no where I'm going to be long-term now, so I'm ready to start trying.  Wondering which one should be the first try? I'm a younger guy (26) and looking for something that has the potential to develop long-term rather than purely casual. Haven't had a ton of success on my own, so I think that's probably the obvious path to branch out to.  

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14 hours ago, JonSnow4President said:

Does anyone have any experiences with the big online dating sites?  Finally got off my lazy butt and got a job, so no where I'm going to be long-term now, so I'm ready to start trying.  Wondering which one should be the first try? I'm a younger guy (26) and looking for something that has the potential to develop long-term rather than purely casual. Haven't had a ton of success on my own, so I think that's probably the obvious path to branch out to.  

 

Tinder and Bumble are your best bets, especially in your age group. Obviously your mileage will vary, and you need to have a reasonable understanding of your objective attractiveness, because how you look is going to be the first hurdle. If you're a 5 and are going after 9s, don't be surprised when you aren't having success on the apps. That being said, if you keep your sights within reason you should meet plenty of people. And there are plenty of people on those sites looking for long-term relationships. Use your judgment based on the photos and profiles they are providing to figure out who is who.

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18 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Are people still rating others out of ten for their appearence? Gross 

 

Give me a break. Online dating is basically the definition of a number's game, and understanding how objectively attractive you are, as well as how objectively attractive the people you are pursuing are is going to be key to having any success. The number is a shortcut to giving you an idea of your position relative to the masses, as well as another individual's relative position. It's not meant to judge anything other than a person's appearance, which whether you like it or not is the very first hurdle anyone has to clear in online dating.

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I get that completely Sperry.  In an environment where the primary attraction is based pm pictures, I don't have a realistic chance with someone that looks like Emma Watson unless they have a thing for fat guys.  In an environment where they can get to know me, that's a different possibility, but online dating isn't necessarily that environment.  

I know the perception of Tindr is much more sex app.  I am on the more conservative side, so that's not something I'm really looking to do all that quickly. Looking at bumble, it seems to be largely the same thing.  

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6 hours ago, JonSnow4President said:

I get that completely Sperry.  In an environment where the primary attraction is based pm pictures, I don't have a realistic chance with someone that looks like Emma Watson unless they have a thing for fat guys.  In an environment where they can get to know me, that's a different possibility, but online dating isn't necessarily that environment.  

I know the perception of Tindr is much more sex app.  I am on the more conservative side, so that's not something I'm really looking to do all that quickly. Looking at bumble, it seems to be largely the same thing.  

 

There are plenty of people on those apps looking for dating and relationships. I have several friends who are married or engaged to partners they met on Tinder. I've had plenty of luck dating on both sites, and have never used either for hook-ups.  Obviously that's how they started, but it turned out they were just very efficient ways to meet people, so tons of single people are on there.

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I was on OkCupid for a while and went on lots of fun dates.  I prefer FetLife (for kinky people) to find folks with common interests.  Met lots of great people on both while collecting some hilarious stories about EPIC date fails from both.

Lots of boarders have had good luck finding LTRs using online dating.  One of the things my gf and I bonded over is stories from the internets.  Get out there!

 

PS:  The gf says "HI FUCKING NERDS!!!"  Guess she's rooting for y'all, too.

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So here's my present situation. A little while back I went on a night out with work colleagues. Everyone ended up pretty hammered and I ended up making out with another colleague I hadn't known particularly well up to that point. It doesn't go any further than that and I wake up the next morning a little embarrassed, very hung-over, and willing to sweep it all under the rug. I go into work on monday morning with a very specific intention to just let it be and play it cool.

She however has made a specific effort to interact more with me. And actually it turns out she's a very cool person who I would be happy to be friends with. But not date, partly because I don't want to date a co-worker and partly because I don't particularly want to date at all right now. She hasn't brought up drunken shenanigans, I haven't brought up drunken shenanigans, but a small part of me wonders if I'm leading her on. Is that just excess ego on my part? I don't want to give her the wrong idea but I also don't want to just not interact with her, but I also don't want to make things awkward by bringing up drunken shenanigans, even if just to clear the air. Do I just continue as I have been so far, being friendly but not brining anything else up or taking it further?

Am I just massively overthinking everything again?

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