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Datepalm

Dating: to play the part of the one who doesn't wait

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2 hours ago, Datepalm said:

Sure, plenty. Some of my closest friends at the moment are guys. We hang out. We do stuff. Its fun. Are you saying this some kind of balancing of the scales? Have a decent time with men as friends, therefore be awkwardly reminded of what a catastrophe dating them is?

What? No. Just wanted to know if you were having fun with people, that's all.

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11 hours ago, Datepalm said:

Yes, i thinik so! HOW do you remember this?! And, if I recall (WHY WOULD I RECALL?) plodding and lengthy opinions on EU membership.

These threads are very dear to me and the original accounting of this guy was pretty funny, from what I remember.  

Feeling a whole lot better about my living situation for the time being, I'm moving out Sept 1st and things have been good.  Been dating a lot the last couple weeks and it's been fun, but also a weird reminder of how small a world this area is.  Went out with this one girl from tinder a couple times, was a lot of fun.  She lives about 30 miles from me on the other side of the county.  Well, turns out she's roommates with a dude who used to date my ex/roomie, and spent last summer dating a guy that my ex/roomie was also with for a few months.  

 

Oh and that guy that dated both my ex and new girl, he's also a stone mason.  

 

Looking forward to a week in VT coming up, this Hudson Valley dating is fun and and funny but also kind of incestuous.

 

 

 

 

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On 7/19/2017 at 3:35 PM, larrytheimp said:

 

 

Oh and that guy that dated both my ex and new girl, he's also a stone mason.  

 

This guy is not a good guy.  You probably already know that but he may have a really good disguise and just seems like a good guy.

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So yeah. Has Min returned to the board after many years simply to resume bitching about Hot Work Dude in the Dating thread? Why yes, yes she has. Basically I just need to vent for a bit then you can all remind me that he's a dickbag unworthy of my time. Thus:

 Things had been going really well, by my standards. I've pretty much concluded that the only part of a relationship I like is the will-they-won't-they sexual tension you get before you actually and disappointingly fuck, so this deal was perfect - the existence of an unpleasant gf meant that the tension could continue indefinitely, while he was quite happy to drink and flirt and text and get inappropriately cosy on pub sofas and give lingering hugs at the end of evenings,  etcetera etcetera.  Bliss. 

But, and there's always a but, along comes Office New Girl. You play with a player, my friends, you're gonna get played. So now - just as I'd finally gotten to visit his flat! - he's suddenly lying about his lunch plans then very obviously sneaking out with her, or spending all morning chatting to her and ignoring me, only to msg me at midday to ask me to proof his boring document (not my job). In response to this last, which was today, I basically said "if you're gonna chat to New Girl all morning instead of me, you can't just swan up and ask for favours", at which he got The Huff and resumed his furious WhatsApping, with further not very surreptitious lunch sneaking. We've not spoken since, barring some strictly professional emails about actual work shit. 

I am quite upset; I fear that I may have killed a dysfunctional but pleasant friendship, or possibly I'm just grieving one that was already dead or never was real in the first place. We'd talked before about how he too-often just asked me to do stuff for him, and he has regularly insisted that he really is my friend and isn't just in it for the freeloading... but then there's a) the actual freeloading and b ) the lying which means I can't trust his utterances anyway. So here we are. 

(honestly, New Girl is lovely but even dumber than me - bad enough getting attached to a guy at work with a girlfriend, but she's gone the extra step by going for a guy at work with a girlfriend who is also somewhat involved with a senior member of her own team...) 

Hit me with the clue-bat, folks! 

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Min, welcome back, I love you. This dude is a toxic fuckboy who has been toying with you this whole time. It was bad and not worth your time as it was before, now it would be completely insane to view him as anything more than strictly a colleague (one who is frankly extremely unprofessional). You should rejoice at being replaced for his mindfucking

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22 minutes ago, Kelli Fury said:

Min, welcome back, I love you. This dude is a toxic fuckboy who has been toying with you this whole time. It was bad and not worth your time as it was before, now it would be completely insane to view him as anything more than strictly a colleague (one who is frankly extremely unprofessional). You should rejoice at being replaced for his mindfucking

100 percent support.

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Fuck this guy, seriously. He's a freeloading douche and you're way better off without his crappy "friendship". I know what you mean about that pleasant unrealizable sexual tension, but it's just not worth it.

:cheers:

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Pleasant unrealizable sexual tension = free emotional labor and ego stroking on demand with no investment on his part, only yours. He's manipulating three perfectly good women right now, stop being one of them

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Alright this seems as good a place to ask this as any other, so here goes. I work in a computer repair shop, and a gal comes in with her computer to have us look at it. As my boss and I are looking at it, she and I kind of start chatting about various shit, and she's telling me about how she is working on her maters thesis and I say I'm working on getting into law school (because some kind of way to torture myself for getting off too light on my undergrad debt I guess), and I kind of felt like there was some kind of connection there. So she is bringing her computer back on Friday for us to have another look since we didn't have time to give it a really thorough going over, and she needed it for school work so we couldn't take it overnight, and all I've been thinking of since Saturday when this went down, is I'd like to ask her out to coffee, because she seems interesting.

Basically, the question is would it be weird of me to ask her out to coffee, because while I'm interested in her, I also try to be extremely cognoscente of the fact that most women don't really want to be bothered when all they want is for someone to fix their damn computer. On one hand, if she says no, I probably see her rarely if ever again, so rejection isn't a huge deal and likely very little future weirdness, on the other, I just don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, and my insecurities about my self makes me worry about that just being there sometimes (but hey, winter is big boy season, right?).

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I'd say it's not a big deal to ask her out, as long as you've concluded as completely as possible any professional/commercial aspect of the interaction. So as she's leaving, with her laptop fixed, having paid in full and never to return - then.

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12 hours ago, MinDonner said:

So yeah. Has Min returned to the board after many years simply to resume bitching about Hot Work Dude in the Dating thread? Why yes, yes she has. Basically I just need to vent for a bit then you can all remind me that he's a dickbag unworthy of my time. Thus:

 Things had been going really well, by my standards. I've pretty much concluded that the only part of a relationship I like is the will-they-won't-they sexual tension you get before you actually and disappointingly fuck, so this deal was perfect - the existence of an unpleasant gf meant that the tension could continue indefinitely, while he was quite happy to drink and flirt and text and get inappropriately cosy on pub sofas and give lingering hugs at the end of evenings,  etcetera etcetera.  Bliss. 

But, and there's always a but, along comes Office New Girl. You play with a player, my friends, you're gonna get played. So now - just as I'd finally gotten to visit his flat! - he's suddenly lying about his lunch plans then very obviously sneaking out with her, or spending all morning chatting to her and ignoring me, only to msg me at midday to ask me to proof his boring document (not my job). In response to this last, which was today, I basically said "if you're gonna chat to New Girl all morning instead of me, you can't just swan up and ask for favours", at which he got The Huff and resumed his furious WhatsApping, with further not very surreptitious lunch sneaking. We've not spoken since, barring some strictly professional emails about actual work shit. 

I am quite upset; I fear that I may have killed a dysfunctional but pleasant friendship, or possibly I'm just grieving one that was already dead or never was real in the first place. We'd talked before about how he too-often just asked me to do stuff for him, and he has regularly insisted that he really is my friend and isn't just in it for the freeloading... but then there's a) the actual freeloading and b ) the lying which means I can't trust his utterances anyway. So here we are. 

(honestly, New Girl is lovely but even dumber than me - bad enough getting attached to a guy at work with a girlfriend, but she's gone the extra step by going for a guy at work with a girlfriend who is also somewhat involved with a senior member of her own team...) 

Hit me with the clue-bat, folks! 

Can I ask - and this is not from me, as such, because I am useless, but I was recently sat down by less clueless folk and asked about my own issues and it helped stuff some - what's really driving the continuing interactions, except dumb proximity?

Like, is there a thought that maybe when things are just right it will work out after all, for a fling if not a relationship, or you're waiting to find a point where vengeance er, closure, I mean closure, will be yours? or you're using it to avoid other entanglements or...? Because it doesn't seem to just be a happy holding pattern confined to something to fill boring moments at work, what with the escalating apartment visiting and the like?

(And also, yes, lose the douche. I can grok the weird bad-idea but still somehow exciting non-relationship. I cannot the exciting-bad-idea with non-mutual extra office gruntwork favours non-relationship. In my book, free proofreading = gooey true love, for one of those married for sixty years holocaust survivour couples, at a minimum.) 

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It's kind of... all of the above? For a fact, I realised some while ago that my penchant for unavailable men is really just a semi-unconscious dating-avoidance strategy (when ur best dude is an unemployed alcoholic on the far edge of a different continent, it becomes apparent that "dating" is not the end-game here - I mean surely there are unemployed alcoholics closer to home?). But if there was no possibility at all of a fling developing out of this, it would take away the fun, like idk a rollercoaster that went really slowly. The escalation is also partly payment demands for services rendered - if I'm gonna redraft his CV 27 times, I'm getting bought some beers tyvm (and boy did he try to weasel out of that, despite me setting it out as a condition before starting work).

Also: I know what I'm like. If I wasn't crushing on this dude, it'd be someone else, possibly even less appropriate, and this seemed like adequate damage limitation for many reasons (eg. he isn't married, I don't have to spend loads of money to see him, he's fun to hang out with when he's not whining, he's kind of a dick so no great loss if it falls through, etc).

Still kind of angry and upset; there's no easy fix for finding out that you're so easily disposable - luckily my office has just today gone "agile" so nobody has fixed desks any more, so I'm hiding out in a far corner where I don't have that shit in my face all day. But I'll live.

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3 hours ago, MinDonner said:

 

Still kind of angry and upset; there's no easy fix for finding out that you're so easily disposable - luckily my office has just today gone "agile" so nobody has fixed desks any more, so I'm hiding out in a far corner where I don't have that shit in my face all day. But I'll live.

This will sound harsh and I am sorry but it is meant with love-

How are you just figuring out now you are disposable to this guy??? LOOK HOW HE IS TREATING HIS GIRLFRIEND, he's being very sketchy with you behind her back, whilst talking so much shit about her you appear to think this is somewhat her fault (it's totally not, even if he wasn't lying about her, which he almost certainly IS to groom you into giving him his way). That's the person he's with and values more than you, and he's clearly not valuing her either. The fact that you feel almost cheated on by a dude that has a girlfriend is a huge red flag that there are serious issues at work with you here. This is clearly an unhealthy situation for you, you know that, and you are excusing it with "if it wasn't him it'd be another of the same or worse" bullshit. If that's the case- work on it!!!!! You are too cool a person to tolerate this destructive bullshit from him or from yourself. Put on your big girl panties and take some control of your life.

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:spank:
You are quite correct, I am a dysfunctional wreck when it comes to relationships. But honestly, while things were going "well", I had no need to do anything about it; I wasn't exaggerating when I said the situation was perfect. While it lasted. 

Anyway yeah, dude's a douche and he has to go. But despite all the borderline-sketchy stuff going on under the surface, he was also my friend; I wouldn't have stuck it out this long if he had zero good qualities. And that's the shit that hurts.

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I agree with the marvelous Kelli. Except I would probably use a less harsh set of speech. Because I am more wimpy lol. 

 

Though, seriously, Min. I get that you see clearly why you're crushing on him and why that's a comfortably dysfunctional thing to do. I think I get it, at least. But maybe, the question to ask, is when are you ready to move away from enjoying dysfunctional relationships at all. And I use the word "enjoying" in the sense that you're taking preference to avoidance of non-dysfunctional relations here, not that you're necessarily having a good time. Yeah, you like the will-we-won't-we tension, but I am not hearing from you confession of emotional support and sustenance that we typically want from relationships. 

 

This work dude is an emotional vampire. He lives off of the infatuation and crushes that he cultivates in his marks. He'll reciprocate your affection only as a way to keep you tethered to him. He expects dedication and loyalty while offering none in return. On one hand, if you see clearly through this and just want to "enjoy" it for what it is worth, then great. On the other hand, "enjoying" this type of interaction isn't a sign of healthy emotional wellbeing. 

 

You're a great person - intelligent, witty, compassionate, talented, attractive. It'd be a shame if you just settle for rotting table scraps like this work dude. 

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Guys, I already tried a mutually-supportive emotionally-healthy marriage with a lovely guy who some of you have met, and who I am still good friends with. It nearly suffocated the life out of me and I had to flee. I fear that dysfunction may be my lot in life, and I'm cool with that; I just need to find a way to make it work a bit better for me.

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