Mental Wellbeing Thread

[DMC]

Putting this here as this seems to be a "get this off my chest" thread.  Just mentioned my gramps is technically my "step" grandpa and got me thinking about that whole mess.  My mom was my grandmother's first child.  A few years later she had four kids - 3 sons and a daughter - with my gramps, and they've been married for over 60 years.  My grams was 18 when she had my mother, so my mom was raised as the "daughter" of her grandparents, and she thought her mother was her sister.  She didn't even know the truth until she herself turned 18. 

My mother (as well as me and my siblings) received most the inheritance of her grandparents while my grandmother (and her children and grandchildren) got close to nothing - Guilt 1.  My mom took care of her (grand)parents until each died.  One of my earliest memories (maybe about 6) is my great-grandmother screaming at me "where are the horses?" repeatedly until restrained.  She should've been about 82 at the time and was living with us (in the house she helped finance), but was sent to a home after that.  Alzheimer's.  Always felt bad about it - Guilt 2.  Her husband was a horse trainer and died when I was like 3, no memory of him.  Had a bunch of racing trophies that used to rot in our old basement.  Now I guess they're in a Florida attic.  Yikes.

So that was all stuff I knew at a young age.  I asked my dad and grandpa a few times who my biological grandfather was (during the Santa Clause years mom told us he died in a car crash.  Like James Dean, I guess).  All I ever got was all that he's still alive, tried to contact my ma years ago but was stopped by my dad, and he was ethnically Dutch.  Oh, and was an alcy, like I didn't already figure that. 

Then, a few years ago at Thanksgiving, my drunk neighbor let's slip that my mom's other sister exists.  As in, this guy had two daughters with my grandmother, then she started a family with my real gramps.  My mom only found out when her sister tracked her down and knocked on the door a few months earlier - my grams had never told any of her children that she put one up for adoption.  When we first found out all three of us children were pretty pissed - I brought up all those articles you read where lovers are siblings/cousins/etc. and don't even know it.  Never forget my dad's response:  "Well, all her children are much older than you guys, so that's incredibly unlikely."  Yeah Science! 

Both my mother and grandmother refused to maintain contact with the sister.  My knee-jerk reaction was to be insanely pissed about that, but I realized I have no place to judge.

So a few months after I found out about the phantom Aunt I still don't know the name of, I went to my cousin's wedding with my parents.  All three of my ("half") uncles were there and didn't know any of this - Guilt 3.  The night of the reception me and the three uncles ended up drinking in my hotel room when my mom walks in.  Eventually I give her a look like "dude, you gotta tell them" and she begs off, waits til it's just the youngest uncle/son of grams.  My mom knew he'd be the only one to react positively, er..positively maybe is not the best or accurate adjective.  Let's say with minimal outrage.  And just like she probably knew I would be like "well that sucks for Grams" while my brother reacted in a negative and stolid way.  The first uncle/son would have used it as another reason to drink and the second (whose daughter just got married and is in a decades-long project of owning all of Lubbock, Texas) would have reacted like my brother only worse. 

Anyway, to the point of this post - as opposed to his older brothers, my uncle's reaction was to break down.  I was holding a 50 year man I admire in many ways like an infant.  I never have that reaction.  Certainly didn't with that news, and I mentioned my brother's reaction, which if not emotional was at least attempting to be dismissive.  Never asked my sister how she felt about all that - pretty obvious we're not the type of family to discuss such matters.  I do wonder recently if I still subconsciously use all the above information as an excuse.  Never actually had this type of conscious thought, but maybe there's something in there being like - keep drinking/whatever, it's in your blood.  Next week:  The Blame My Parents series moves on to how my Dad's side of the family fucked me up.

[.H.]

17 hours ago, Toth said:

To be honest, I'm treating myself with the same indifference I've seen people treat each other with all the time. I don't like it, sure, but that's how it is. I do appreciate the 'lift yourself up to lift others up' line though.

The same indifference you perceive people to interact with.  And your perception might be right sometimes.  And it might be wrong.  The fact is that you admit you don't like it and yet you still do it.  No wonder it can't fulfill you.

17 hours ago, Toth said:

Because I'm currently seeing that even when forcing myself to pretend to be sociable, approaching the students and joke around with them during the breaks, I still can't exactly deal with it when I'm actually succeeding. That voice whispering "don't trust them, they are just mocking you" keeps winning my internal fights and when the kids with whom I've interacted start to unexpectedly shout out to me later afterwards, I end up ignoring them again.

It's only natural that you will have some internal voice when you are pretending to be something you aren't.  While it's telling you nonsense, the essential thrust is "don't trust people, because they are faking it, just like me."  Except the thing is that most of them aren't faking it.  You ascribe that to others, because you are.

Children are actually quite sensitive and often better able to detect when people are being "fake."  They'll ruthlessly dig the facts of the matter out, even if it is trough crude and primitive methods.  They will also constantly test you.  Because, as children, they are learning.  Learning who you are, learning how to measure you, learning the limits of you.  Since you keep "faking" it, they can't get the right read, so they'll never stop.

You need to have actual genuine interaction with people.  Coworkers and the students.  That kind of interaction that reflects your genuine self.  I suspect you don't know what that self is.  You've wrapped yourself in this depressive, hyper-logical, overthinking persona so long, you don't know how to be without it.  That's not you, because if it was, you wouldn't feel the way you do.  You'd feel confident and proud, you wouldn't fake anything, because you'd be living the exact way you should.  But you're not.  You are lying to yourself and everyone you interact with.

That doesn't foster meaning.  That doesn't foster value.  That just fosters further duplicity and further misery.

17 hours ago, Toth said:

I tried to forget what had happened yesterday, I tried to mingle with the teachers and practice socializing, but when this jerkass of a headmaster came and asked with a wide grin whether I survived the shit he pulled yesterday, all the anger and frustration of this first half a year came bubbling up, I snarled at him 'No thanks to you', walked away and left a bit later after it was clear that I was trapped in far too much negativity to interact with anyone anymore.

OK, well, I don't know this person, or enough about them to figure out their motive, but there is a chance he did what he did maliciously.  Only to throw you off.

However, just as likely, if not more so, is that he believed he was helping you.  Now, he might not have been, but again, you jump to ascribe duplicity when even stupidity could suffice.  He might possibly think you are too "by the book" or rigid to be able to connect with the kids.  He might be right.  Or not.  But, while your frustration was justified, you slammed shut a door on a learning opportunity.  You could have said something to the effect of, "yeah, I survived, but why did you do that?  It really put me in a compromised position."  But my hunch is that you wouldn't want to do that, because it would admit that you aren't hyper-competent at this point.  The thing is, you aren't.  You are still learning.  Perhaps you imagine that where you work is a place that if they come to think you aren't competent they will fire you.  It might be true.  But if you work in a place that assumes that everyone will arrive fully capable in every nuance of the job without ever needing to learn anything through experience while actually preforming the job, then I think you might be better off without working there.

Your students aren't your enemy to be conquered or outwitted.  Your coworkers either.  Maybe some of them are out to get you.  But also, maybe most of them aren't.  If you assume they are always going to be duplicitous or malicious, then they will be, because you'll never see anything else regardless of what their actual intention was.

Seriously though, you should read Peterson's 12 Rules for Life.  He addresses a good bit of what you are experiencing and in a way I am not going to be able to articulate.  You probably think it's dumb to read a self-help book, but it isn't, it's a "gaining proper self-perspective" book.

[.H.]

4 hours ago, DMC said:

My mother (as well as me and my siblings) received most the inheritance of her grandparents while my grandmother (and her children and grandchildren) got close to nothing - Guilt 1. 

Well, I guess on this one you could bear a small amount of guilt.  What do you feel you should have done?

4 hours ago, DMC said:

She should've been about 82 at the time and was living with us (in the house she helped finance), but was sent to a home after that.  Alzheimer's.  Always felt bad about it - Guilt 2.

Why are you guilty about this?  What could you have done?  Prevented her Alzheimer's?  Made her easier to care for?  Taken care of her yourself?  Feeling bad and feeling guilty should be different things.

4 hours ago, DMC said:

So a few months after I found out about the phantom Aunt I still don't know the name of, I went to my cousin's wedding with my parents.  All three of my ("half") uncles were there and didn't know any of this - Guilt 3.

Why are you guilty in this?  Was it you who hid that information from them all that time?  In fact, it seems that at the most reasonable time to tell them, you did.  So, what did you do wrong here?

4 hours ago, DMC said:

Anyway, to the point of this post - as opposed to his older brothers, my uncle's reaction was to break down.  I was holding a 50 year man I admire in many ways like an infant.  I never have that reaction.  Certainly didn't with that news, and I mentioned my brother's reaction, which if not emotional was at least attempting to be dismissive.  Never asked my sister how she felt about all that - pretty obvious we're not the type of family to discuss such matters.  I do wonder recently if I still subconsciously use all the above information as an excuse.  Never actually had this type of conscious thought, but maybe there's something in there being like - keep drinking/whatever, it's in your blood.  Next week:  The Blame My Parents series moves on to how my Dad's side of the family fucked me up.

Well, people process stuff in different ways.  But my hunch would be that his "breaking down" was probably less about this specific information and more about things in general, in this case, the sort of convoluted and sort of messed up nature of the family dynamic, concretely expressed in this anecdote about this Aunt.

I don't know you well enough to say if you use this sort of generational dysfunction as an excuse.  But maybe.  You seem to ascribe guilt to events that had little to nothing to do with you and seem to have been well, or at least mostly, out of your control.  I mean, if you seem to have trouble with "drinking/whatever" you might be at a good place to begin understanding why you are choosing to cope with things the way you do.

[Toth]

On 7/5/2018 at 1:46 PM, .H. said:

It's only natural that you will have some internal voice when you are pretending to be something you aren't.  While it's telling you nonsense, the essential thrust is "don't trust people, because they are faking it, just like me."  Except the thing is that most of them aren't faking it.  You ascribe that to others, because you are. 

Mmh... I think this is the first time in this conversation that you are quite a bit off the mark, but that might have to do with the way I phrased my recount. That voice had little to do with me faking anything (my own approach towards the children was genuine, I just had to force myself to overcome my negativity and shove it aside for the time being). It was just that the way some of the boys approached me was indeed a very visible attempt at testing things out, trying to provoke me. Such an observation has little to do with my hazy state of mind, every teacher has to deal with this kind of things and one of my examiners brought forth this issue lately as well (unprompted). What does have to do with my hazy state of mind is that I am unable to apply the recommended tactic of treating it as an opportunity and never react to it as if it were a provocation. Mostly because I feel to stressed out and unfocused to deal with it correctly and friendly and therefore opt to ignore it and walk away (thus inviting them to do the same thing later - though admittedly, when I unexpectedly ran into a group of those students lately, I was able to deal with it marginally better and less off-putting... in this case, I actually somewhat hope to get their class next semester because I think I can make use of these meetings, approach it from a less distant angle and actually make successful use of my "professional me", the one who should be solely fired up for the job).

On 7/5/2018 at 1:46 PM, .H. said:

You need to have actual genuine interaction with people.  Coworkers and the students.  That kind of interaction that reflects your genuine self.  I suspect you don't know what that self is.  You've wrapped yourself in this depressive, hyper-logical, overthinking persona so long, you don't know how to be without it.

Like I said above, that is not quite it. No, the "depressive, hyper-logical, overthinking" persona is the actual me. Well, minus the "depressive" I hope. Even in my best times I'm constantly trying to analyze everything around me and that is something I neither know how to stop nor do I actually want to. I just need something to give me focus and stop being absolutely consumed by negativity.

I do regret that I had to flee from that barbecue, but even in hindsight it was something unavoidable. I was in such a horrible state of mind that I couldn't talk with anyone without tearing up. Not necessarily because of that guy, but because my general discontent with this school caught up so much with me. Of course it is somewhat reinforced by my self-worth issues, but the basis of that discontent is still that I don't feel like I have arrived there. That I still have this desire to just do my job. With my subjects and proper classes. With everything being an organizational chaos full of conflicting schedules and being forced to teach a subject that is not my own all the while being totally left alone and getting no support whatsoever, that's something that blocks me from having a single goddamn moment of accomplishment. Of course, it's my self-loathing that picked this fact up and transformed it into an overwhelming feeling that I don't deserve to celebrate the end of such a horrible semester.

[Theda Baratheon]

there must be a certain type of depression reserved for young people stuck in rural areas with shitty public transport, mental health support and no job opportunities because im there and it fucking sucks also im in intense neck and shoulder and back pain so basically im miserable 

[.H.]

29 minutes ago, Toth said:

Mmh... I think this is the first time in this conversation that you are quite a bit off the mark, but that might have to do with the way I phrased my recount. That voice had little to do with me faking anything (my own approach towards the children was genuine, I just had to force myself to overcome my negativity and shove it aside for the time being).

Well, my apologies, I am working well more than half in the blind on all this.  Which, mind you, isn't either of our fault's, it's that this isn't an actual clinical session.

Does substituting the word "force" for the word "fake" change the meaning sufficiently to seem more relevant?

35 minutes ago, Toth said:

Even in my best times I'm constantly trying to analyze everything around me and that is something I neither know how to stop nor do I actually want to. I just need something to give me focus and stop being absolutely consumed by negativity.

Well, if focus is what allows you to not be negative, what can we use to get you more focused?  What helps you focus?

37 minutes ago, Toth said:

With everything being an organizational chaos full of conflicting schedules and being forced to teach a subject that is not my own all the while being totally left alone and getting no support whatsoever, that's something that blocks me from having a single goddamn moment of accomplishment.

Unfortunately that sounds like every school I know of though.  But small sample size, it might be biased.  The thing is thought that if you focus yourself on what you didn't accomplish, you will always suffer those sort of feelings.  You'll never accomplish everything.  There is no end.  Would focusing on what you did accomplish help?  Serious question.

[KingintheNorth4]

This past tuesday, my cousin invited me to a seminar at his soon to be new job, PHP Agency, a company that specializes in sales and marketing. When it comes to making myself socialize with people, it was a great experience for me. 

[.H.]

10 hours ago, GaliusRomanEmperor said:

I want to kill myself everyday.

Well, that certainly isn't good.  First, seriously, get yourself some professional help.  Really, do it.

What is going on?  What isn't going on that should be?  What is causing you to feel that way?

[Toth]

And here I go again. Silly reasons to be depressed incoming...

Two weeks ago I had decided to try swimming in order combat my chronic neck pain after jogging didn't help. Now the summer holidays are half-way over and I still haven't managed to leave the house and do anything. I made the grave mistake of telling my mother what I've been contemplating, upon which she flew into a rant about how all pools are dirty, the beaches dangerous and full of algae and that I shouldn't swim anyway because I haven't in more than a decade. Of course that threw me back to the starting point and ever since then I've been trying to prepare for a trip to a pool or a beach in secret so that I don't have to hear her constant discouraging comments. It was the same with the jogging. It took me months to just go out of the door and make a jog around the neighborhood, because she always caught me and always said something along the lines of "You can't just go out and run like that after not having done that ever, you are just going to overexert yourself" and I immediately folded and stayed at home.

And I know it's horrible of me to put the blame on her like that when it's just my own anxiety that gets amplified here. It's just incredibly vexing that I've been buying swimming trunks in secret and looked up places to swim in secret and wonder how to get out of the house in secret, simply to avoid getting put down again. Since I'm obviously not a spontaneous person, especially the last week had been painful. I've spent hours and hours contemplating and planning every single movement upon entering a pool and every new question, like where to put the key to the locker when I'm supposed to be swimming, throws me into a loop for days. This morning I felt absurdly exhausted and nearly teared up out of nowhere because I absolutely have no idea why I even bother anymore. I should just scrap that idea, stay at home and do the plethora of other things I can do alone, like I always do.

Is this how holidays are supposed to be spent? Is this how you relax? Because I don't feel relaxed at all! The next semester draws ever nearer and I'm as exhausted as ever, because I worry about far too silly things.

BTW, my social competence training failed as well. Everybody I know has left the country over the holidays, I've been the only one shutting himself in, playing videogames, self-studying languages and failing to make progress with my writing. Three weeks already over... bloody hells... where the fuck did that time go? I'm already beginning to think that I should just scrap any of my recovery ideas and start preparing for the next semester, because obviously the way I go about them just burns me out far more than simply working does.

[Theda Baratheon]

Honestly tell your Man to shove it - that’s so ridiculous. You can’t go swimming or jogging!? What the fuck is wrong with her? 

Sorry to sound so insensitive - I just...bloody hell. That’s horrible. 

Would it be so bad to deal with her if you just do it anyway? Because sneaking around is obviously just making you miserable. 

I’m also in chronic pain lately and it’s made my depression about ten times worse. I can’t  be bothered with having NO energy, a bad back, bad shoulder and neck pain, bad ankle. It’s  making me NOT want to walk and leave the house even though that would probably make me feel better and I’m binge eating like crazy because I’m feeling so awful. Everything is just crap lately - I’m so sick of being 24 fucking years old and feeling like my body is shutting down and totally against me. I can’t LIVE when I’m trapped inside of it. 

[Toth]

1 hour ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Would it be so bad to deal with her if you just do it anyway? Because sneaking around is obviously just making you miserable. 

I don't know... I feel bad no matter what I do. And she seems to be aware that I never dropped my plans. This morning we had just another argument about it. She asked why I have been so silent the entire time and when I avoided answering, she unpromptedly went on "Just go to a beach! But you won't swim because that would be stupid. And then come back complaining about a sunburn for the rest of the week". Those were her actual words...

I guess it could turn out like with the jogging, where after I finally managed to go out she started to pretend like she was never against it in the first place. Or it could end up like with my job aspirations, where she outwardly says that she supports me, but keeps doing biting remarks that she's still just waiting for me to fail and realize the errors of my ways...

In any case, afterwards I spent the next four hours lying in bed being miserable. I actually had planned to go buy some sandals and sun lotion for a trip I've been planning for tomorrow, but that threw me out of the loop again. I then started considering to just go "screw this" and actually go to the beach right away. But she was spending the entire time in my bedroom working at the computer (it's a tiny flat, my bedroom is simultaneously study and containing the only wardrobe). So I wasn't able to just grab a towel or remove the price tag from the swimming trunks still hidden in my backpack without getting questioned. But I still somehow managed to grab another bag and march out without answering anything, buying the stuff I wanted to buy, even though it is hours too late to now do anything with it.

I'll see whether I'll manage to sneak out tomorrow morning... Then again, my inner voice is screaming right now that this is far too much of a hassle and I wouldn't be as depressed as I am right now if I had just never started contemplating swimming in the first place.

1 hour ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I’m also in chronic pain lately and it’s made my depression about ten times worse. I can’t  be bothered with having NO energy, a bad back, bad shoulder and neck pain, bad ankle. It’s  making me NOT want to walk and leave the house even though that would probably make me feel better and I’m binge eating like crazy because I’m feeling so awful. Everything is just crap lately - I’m so sick of being 24 fucking years old and feeling like my body is shutting down and totally against me. I can’t LIVE when I’m trapped inside of it. 

Well, now for a change this is a feeling I'm familiar with. Except maybe the binge eating. I'm more of the kind who constantly loses weight when I'm wasting away. I had a similar experience towards the end of writing my master thesis, where I was horrifically aware just how my entire body was shutting down because of the self-induced and mostly unnecessary stress.

I see you already know what the best course of action is: Going out and walking, doing things outside. I am envious that you already reached this point, compared to me who only was able to go out by going to work back then. Despite this sounding wholly hypocritical after my previous rant: Make your plans and go for it!

Even before that, you could write yourself a little schedule of gymnastics or strength training. Do you have any dumb-bells? You could just do press-ups, knee-bends or sit-ups on your bed or a soft carpet. Just write down a routine in certain intervals and stick to it. Interestingly, at least I have experienced that I'm ending up using the time in between the sports intervals far more effectively thanks to that, because I keep having an eye on the clock.

Maybe this works!

[Theda Baratheon]

Honestly you’re a grown man if you want to go swimming, then go swimming and she will have to deal with it. ITs healthy and she should be happy for you. None of her business what you do to your body especially when it’s bloody exercising 

I’m so bored all the time I’m sat at home for days with nothing to do even though in reality there’s about a million things o can do in my spare time but this depression and body pain just has me feeling constantly grey and distant from everything 

[Toth]

17 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Honestly you’re a grown man if you want to go swimming, then go swimming and she will have to deal with it. ITs healthy and she should be happy for you. None of her business what you do to your body especially when it’s bloody exercising 

I woke up at 6am today so that I can prepare without getting any jabs pointed at me. Unfortunately she was already awake, going "If you want to go that badly, why haven't you already left?" as a way of greeting.

Still managed to get out without exchanging any more words. When I came back (I obviously didn't drown^^) she pretended like nothing happened. After a bit of casual conversation I then made the mistake and told her how sick I felt during these last weeks, how I'm already constantly struggling with myself and that it is definitely not normal for an adult guy to have to prepare everything in secret so that I don't get discouraged by her constant naysaying.

I really should have known better... I know my mother long enough, she is a person who never ever backs down when faced with criticism and always lashes out towards me when I bring up topics like this.

Well... at least I got something like an explanation out of this. Of course she insists that she never was against swimming, but when I brought it up, she was confused. For her it is normal to hear me talk with no confidence whatsover (that's literally what she said), but with the jogging and the swimming I apparently sounded 'haughty' and she felt like I needed to be brought down a peg so that I don't go out and do something stupid, like immediately swimming out into the middle of the lake. I was a bit at a loss for words there, so I just repeated again that I'm a mental wreck lately and was just saying that this might be good for my neck. I then asked whether she truly thinks that I'm that stupid to immediately go for a triathlon after a decade of not doing anything sports-related. She then just sneered that I'm truly the stupid one for not appreciating her worries, still insisting that I can't swim anymore and should do something else.

I... I really don't understand her. And now she goes on like nothing ever happened...

[KingintheNorth4]

I recently made an account on Indeed.com. I've found a few seasonal/part time warehouse jobs around where I live. I'm gonna look into them.

For the past few weeks, I've been marking down every face to face and social media interaction I have and to mark it down on a packet my psychologist gave me. I like it, since it keeps me focused on the goals I set for myself.

[HexMachina]

Edit: changed my mind about sharing, my apologies

[A True Kaniggit]

14 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

Edit: changed my mind about sharing, my apologies

No apology required. Whatever is best for you.

I've typed up what seemed to be whole novels in this thread without actually posting them.

Why?

Because in the end, just typing up my thought process and seeing it all laid out in front of me was enough to keep my mind on an even keel.

[Shaun Snow]

On 8/1/2018 at 2:37 AM, KingintheNorth4 said:

I recently made an account on Indeed.com. I've found a few seasonal/part time warehouse jobs around where I live. I'm gonna look into them.

For the past few weeks, I've been marking down every face to face and social media interaction I have and to mark it down on a packet my psychologist gave me. I like it, since it keeps me focused on the goals I set for myself. 

You too, huh? My current therapist has me listing every interaction with another human and practicing my social skills, terrible as they are. Side effect of a decade spent never leaving the house. Keep at it guy, no matter how big or small the hurdle you clear, its still a hurdle cleared.

[DMC]

On 7/5/2018 at 8:12 AM, .H. said:

Well, I guess on this one you could bear a small amount of guilt.  What do you feel you should have done?

First, thank you for your response.  It took me a month to respond to your..response, because I was just venting.  Now, I guess I'd like to vent again.  On this one it's a pretty easy answer - almost all my inheritance went to American University.  Or The American University.  If you hang out in Tenleytown you'll just get confused!  Kidding aside, I got the boot after two years and spent most of the inheritance on their ridiculous tuition.  Moms guilts me on that every time I see her.  To answer your query, I feel I should have not gotten kicked out of the college of my choice that cost a shitload of money.  That's a large amount guilt, with the dollar signs to prove it.

On 7/5/2018 at 8:12 AM, .H. said:

Why are you guilty about this?  What could you have done?  Prevented her Alzheimer's?  Made her easier to care for?  Taken care of her yourself?  Feeling bad and feeling guilty should be different things.

I don't rationally feel guilty about this.  But I did for a long time as a kid - that was my point.  My great-grandmother went crazy, and for all I knew it was my fault.

You are obviously right that there's no reason to feel guilty about such a situation.  However, I feel you're not understanding how guilt works.  It's not rational.  After that she went into a home that smelled something awful.  How can a kid not feel guilty if he/she feels responsible for that?  And in spite of logic, that shit still lingers, especially after she dies.

On 7/5/2018 at 8:12 AM, .H. said:

Why are you guilty in this?  Was it you who hid that information from them all that time?  In fact, it seems that at the most reasonable time to tell them, you did.  So, what did you do wrong here?

Because I (still to this day) kept it from two of my uncles.  Two guys I love to death and get happy-drunk with every summer have no idea they have (another) half-sister out there.  And before you tell me "just tell them," lemme explain. 

I have three uncles, or technically half-uncles.  Let's call them T1, T2, and T3.  I told T3, because my mom and I knew he'd understand.  T1 has a tendency to be a basketcase.  A harsher term would be alcoholic.  Dude is past 60 and still looking for stable employment.  That's the last thing I wanna put on him.  T2 is a captain of his own industry, but also would never forgive my grandmother.  I will never tell him til the day I die because he's quite literally bought his own perfect world.  I'm not going to interfere.

On 7/5/2018 at 8:12 AM, .H. said:

Well, people process stuff in different ways.  But my hunch would be that his "breaking down" was probably less about this specific information and more about things in general, in this case, the sort of convoluted and sort of messed up nature of the family dynamic, concretely expressed in this anecdote about this Aunt.

Ok, so that was Tracy, or "T3."  I'm not a psychiatrist and I don't care if you are, but he broke down when my mother and I told him because he felt bad for Grams.  Because his heart.  He's a better man than I could ever hope to be.

On 7/5/2018 at 8:12 AM, .H. said:

I don't know you well enough to say if you use this sort of generational dysfunction as an excuse.  But maybe.  You seem to ascribe guilt to events that had little to nothing to do with you and seem to have been well, or at least mostly, out of your control.  I mean, if you seem to have trouble with "drinking/whatever" you might be at a good place to begin understanding why you are choosing to cope with things the way you do.

I have a drinking problem.  That's not what this was about.  I thank you for reading all of it, but I think you misinterpreted the guilt.  It was never about drinking - that's built in - it was about family.  A family full of drunks?  Well, my sister's getting married soon.  Await the invitation    

[Guest]

Been having some issues the last few months that relate more directly to my physical health, but that are certainly impacting my mental health as well.

Around February this year, I had been working hard inventorying my mom's estate and getting ready to have her estate sale and to begin the process of putting her house on the market. After a particularly grueling work day, I started feeling an uncomfortable twinge in my right knee. I tried to rest it a couple of days but it and then my shoulder just kept getting worse.

I tried to rest them both for a few weeks, with no positive developments. So I went to the doctor, was given x-rays and diagnosed with early-onset osteoarthritis. From there, to an arthritis specialist, where I received a positive ANA antibody test for Sjogren's Syndrome. 

Since February, I've gained approximately 45-50 lbs, in spite of maintaining my diet and attempting to remain active, even though I've been fighting through extreme fatigue, so I'm getting my thyroid tested tomorrow.

All these sudden physical issues are stressing me out, often leaving me unable to sleep, contributing to my fatigue, and making it more difficult to keep up with my projects at the office, which adds even more stress. 

This has all contributed negatively to my mental health, as I've been dealing with more depression and anxiety than usual, combined with being in a near-constant bad mood and being generally unpleasant to be around.

Don't know if I'm looking more for helpful advice or somewhere to just vent.

[KingintheNorth4]

Some time ago, I came across a singer named Taylor Janzen, while watching her do an interview on HLN. She talked about her battle with mental illness and how we must end the stigma behind it. Here's one of her songs I found: