Mental Wellbeing Thread

[Toth]

I'm absolutely useless and shouldn't go anywhere near people. After decades of being totally alone I have no concept left on what to do in social settings and all I do is hide in some corner listening to the voice in my head screeching that I should just flee and go home. Which I then do. Usually without saying any goodbyes. Just grabbing my stuff and leave.

I still find it weird that this doesn't happen in a professional setting, but solely in informal gatherings. But that's just how it is, apparently. Crap...

I guess it would make a significant difference if attending those gatherings would not be only me among total strangers, but there is no way to change that.

[Yet another Arya !]

@Toth Nobody is useless, don't let yourself think such thing! And believe me a lot of people are like you in society, struggling with themself to pretend being at ease, having no clue on how interacting with others...(Half of human being fake being like the other half, you know, the so-called "normal persons"). Sometimes we can handle a full evening in a crowded bar, sometimes we just need to hide under our blanket at home. Does it make us useless persons? Never!

I'm not good at telling nice stuff to comfort people, but cheer up: you're much more than you think!

[dog-days]

@Toth I also struggle intensely with social anxiety, and have done all my life. I have also found that it doesn't tend to be such a problem at work - at least, as long as the work involves clear tasks where my performance isn't graded by my charisma. You're not useless, and telling yourself that you're useless will make the problem worse rather than better. My solution has been to stop beating myself up for finding unscripted social gatherings so hellish; instead I have developed hobbies that let me get out and about, and have new experiences. This has given me something to talk about, in addition to helping me feel happier about myself in general.  Meetup groups are also good - I like film-watching groups, because you can go and watch a film, and then talk about it. So comparatively straightforward! 

For situations where I do have to make small talk, I try to follow mental guidelines like working out something the person and you have in common (work, the room you're standing in, the journey to get to where you currently are etc.) and talking about that. I also find it helpful to remember that most people are really not that interested in strangers/acquaintances - they're only bothered about getting through their own day. 

That said, I still don't like gatherings of people I don't know. I still ask my partner not to introduce me to people he knows from his work for fear I'll let him down/make him a subject for mockery somehow. But I think (after much much horrible self-hatred) that learning not to dwell on my complete lack of extroversion and social vivacity has, first, made my life easier and, second, made me better at coping with unstructured social "fun" 

................................

There isn't a Primal Scream thread on Westeros as far as I'm aware, so I'm putting this here. 

Just had a rather unpleasant day with my partner and his mother helping them do some housekeeping-type stuff. My partner is normally a lovely person. Doesn't have an issue with women in general - he's fine with me, he loves (platonically) his super-organised female boss, he's got female friends, he's on good terms with his ex-girlfriends. Unfortunately, he's a different person with his mother, herself a difficult woman prone swinging from self-pity and floods of tears one minute to smiles and chortles the next. He suspects her of being highly manipulative, and I'm inclined to agree, though I think a lot of the manipulation is driven by total fear/anxiety. When I watched August: Osage County, the Meryl Streep character reminded me rather of her. However, I'm more alarmed by the behaviour of my partner, who snapped at her from the start (I was there from 10am to 4.30pm, at which point I was able to go home) to the end, and at one point screamed at her that she was a f***ing moron.  He's done the same in the past, though afaik only over the phone. 

Ah, stressful day. Work is going to be quite relaxing in comparison with this holiday. 

[Toth]

11 hours ago, Yet another Arya ! said:

@Toth Nobody is useless, don't let yourself think such thing! And believe me a lot of people are like you in society, struggling with themself to pretend being at ease, having no clue on how interacting with others...(Half of human being fake being like the other half, you know, the so-called "normal persons"). Sometimes we can handle a full evening in a crowded bar, sometimes we just need to hide under our blanket at home. Does it make us useless persons? Never!

I'm not good at telling nice stuff to comfort people, but cheer up: you're much more than you think!

Thanks. But... It's just frustrating how I end up torpedoing all my attempts to be among people. This time was especially bad since I wanted to be a bit political active, joined a party and was attending a local level meetup. I expected some kind of convention with actually policy being discussed in the workshops, but it ended up being just a very informal gathering in a restaurant where I was totally out of my depth. Since politics is the one thing where extrovertism is absolutely needed to work yourself upwards, I think I have absolutely devastated all chances of ever getting trusted by them with anything ever. They were all super nice and yet I was sitting in my corner extremely distrustful and standoffish, repaying their attempts to include me in conversations with very blunt and harsh answers before fleeing at the first break before the actual meeting even started. I was also taken aback by everyone immediately going for first name basis and use of informal pronouns, so of course I started out with last-name basis and formal pronouns which I thought more polite and appropriate for the talk with total strangers and yet just emphazised my distance to them. Alongside me starting to do my school prep-work the moment the topic discussed started to bore me (and coincidentally going home after I had done all I could do without a computer)...

I guess that's not me failing at being fake, but rather having a panic attack. Something that irritates me even more because I never acted like that in the past, but nowadays it happens every time when I make the effort to mingle with people. It gets worse, not better and that thought pains me, because it seems that all efforts of mine to move beyond my traumata had been in vain. And the more time I spend cooped up at home single-mindedly focused on my work and nothing else, the worse it is going to get.

10 hours ago, dog-days said:

I also struggle intensely with social anxiety, and have done all my life. I have also found that it doesn't tend to be such a problem at work - at least, as long as the work involves clear tasks where my performance isn't graded by my charisma. You're not useless, and telling yourself that you're useless will make the problem worse rather than better. My solution has been to stop beating myself up for finding unscripted social gatherings so hellish; instead I have developed hobbies that let me get out and about, and have new experiences. This has given me something to talk about, in addition to helping me feel happier about myself in general.  Meetup groups are also good - I like film-watching groups, because you can go and watch a film, and then talk about it. So comparatively straightforward! 

Interesting. The work thing seems to be a common theme? Though honestly, you would think that my work involves a lot of 'charisma' as well, it's just that I feel more at ease when I know what to expect of the setting. I guess that coincides with your observation of unscripted settings being the scary ones. Or when, like in yesterday's case, it actually ends up 180° different to what you do expect.

And new hobbies... All my hobbies usually end up things I can do alone and don't have to leave my home for. In addition to that, I have literally no time whatsoever. Even rambling here on the board is causing me anxiety because I still have so many things to prepare that I have no idea when to do. That's another factor. Just when do have people the time for this? My life only consists of school and school preparation and in between some downtime that I spend solely panicking about the things I should rather do instead of wasting away scrolling through the internet. I guess I'm generally not in a sound state of mind which was another factor why I was so tense yesterday.

These movie meetups are an actual thing that happen? How does that start?

And you got a partner... well, I guess that's a large difference then. If I had someone where I could tag along and get to know their social circle this would be a great boon and starting point for me and I would jump at the opportunity. But as it is, I know absolutely no one and have no idea how to get to know people (and when... do I go about it during summer break?).

11 hours ago, dog-days said:

He suspects her of being highly manipulative, and I'm inclined to agree, though I think a lot of the manipulation is driven by total fear/anxiety. When I watched August: Osage County, the Meryl Streep character reminded me rather of her. However, I'm more alarmed by the behaviour of my partner, who snapped at her from the start (I was there from 10am to 4.30pm, at which point I was able to go home) to the end, and at one point screamed at her that she was a f***ing moron.  He's done the same in the past, though afaik only over the phone.

Mmh... I don't know enough to give any advise, but the yelling at one's parents thing is something that I usually consider a red flag. Those I knew from school who did that usually were spoiled, narcissistic douches. I'm not saying your partner is one, but it does seem a bit strange to have one's temper flare up like that. Even if she is manipulative or controlling (and yes, my own experience tells me that usually stems from insecurities and fear of loss as well). Maybe take the opportunity to have a talk about their relationship? Possibly then a talk between them about it as well?

[dog-days]

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Interesting. The work thing seems to be a common theme? Though honestly, you would think that my work involves a lot of 'charisma' as well, it's just that I feel more at ease when I know what to expect of the setting. I guess that coincides with your observation of unscripted settings being the scary ones. Or when, like in yesterday's case, it actually ends up 180° different to what you do expect.

Yeah, I think the nature of the work can make a bit difference. The job I worked in for four years in my twenties depending quite a lot on being liked by the groups of adults I was working with; there was no security and no trustworthy support system. I probably got tougher through the experience in some ways, but at the same time the attendant anxiety was so intense and the depression at my failure to be as good as I thought I should be often made me completely miserable. I threw the towel in, and took a different job that was more process/rule-based and had regular hours and real contractual obligations - earning my living stopped depending on my ability to exude warmth and enthusiasm at groups of strangers when I felt scared and sad inside. Life has been much better since the change. 

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And new hobbies... All my hobbies usually end up things I can do alone and don't have to leave my home for. In addition to that, I have literally no time whatsoever. Even rambling here on the board is causing me anxiety because I still have so many things to prepare that I have no idea when to do. That's another factor. Just when do have people the time for this? My life only consists of school and school preparation and in between some downtime that I spend solely panicking about the things I should rather do instead of wasting away scrolling through the internet. I guess I'm generally not in a sound state of mind which was another factor why I was so tense yesterday.

These movie meetups are an actual thing that happen? How does that start?

 

I used to use meetup.com a lot when I lived in a fairly large city, and film meetups are quite popular. Unfortunately in smaller/more rural places meetup.com isn't that active, though I did actually set up a meetup group in one place that didn't have one, and that went quite well. (Though at that point I'd already got used to how meetup.com worked, so the idea wasn't as intimidating.) 

I think having hobbies that you can do at home is great, and don't undervalue them just because they might not seem as glamorous as what some people post about on Instagram.  I would also say that doing things like going to the cinema/theatre on your own is a good thing to learn to do if there's something you want to see. Initially it can feel embarrassing, but after a while you stop caring and enjoy it. I took myself off to see a blockbuster in a 4DX cinema, and ended up having some good conversations with people at work about what it was like because they hadn't been to one yet. 

I like cycling and walking - I don't do it to try and break any fitness records. I just think of somewhere I'd like to go/something I'd like to see, and then plan a walk or ride that takes that in. I also like language classes. First, because languages are endlessly fascinating and beautiful. Second, because it's quite a comfortable way to be social. In, say, a beginner's Navajo class, you know there's no pressure to have any complicated or multi-faceted exchanges with the other learners. You will be concentrating really hard just to say: "Today was hot. I like rabbits. Where are you going?" So it's quite a levelling experience. The feeling that everyone knows what they're doing except you is much reduced. (Because none of you know what you're doing!) And hopefully the teacher will keep things structured, so it'll be clear what you need to do. 

The anxiety and tunnel vision about education is something I'm familiar with. The panic and the procrastination to cope with the panic. I had it badly in my undergraduate degree, and my partner still has it at postgraduate level. I would suggest trying to schedule in a couple of regular commitments a week that get you away from your studies and from the internet. Something like volunteering in a charity shop can be great; it's not generally exciting, but it opens up a new non-study-based world that can help with perspective and distance.  Also maybe look at your study techniques? Are you a perfectionist, and is this the force that's driving a lot of the school anxiety? 

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And you got a partner... well, I guess that's a large difference then. If I had someone where I could tag along and get to know their social circle this would be a great boon and starting point for me and I would jump at the opportunity. But as it is, I know absolutely no one and have no idea how to get to know people (and when... do I go about it during summer break?).

My romantic life, such at it's been, only started when I was twenty-six. I used internet dating to meet my first partner. If you feel up to it, I'd say you should give it a go. My current partner of three years I met IRL when I wasn't looking for anyone - it took me by surprise - though on the whole I would advise being proactive about looking for relationships if you want one. Then you too may find yourself mediating between your SI and their nutty banana smoothie of a mother! 

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Mmh... I don't know enough to give any advise, but the yelling at one's parents thing is something that I usually consider a red flag. Those I knew from school who did that usually were spoiled, narcissistic douches. I'm not saying your partner is one, but it does seem a bit strange to have one's temper flare up like that. Even if she is manipulative or controlling (and yes, my own experience tells me that usually stems from insecurities and fear of loss as well). Maybe take the opportunity to have a talk about their relationship? Possibly then a talk between them about it as well?

Yeah, you're right about him being spoiled. I had to show him how to boil an egg. In his defence, his mother seems to have used her indulgence of him as a kind of control - she likes playing the martyr, and still refuses to speak to an otherwise helpful local family contact, who told her son to get out while he still could. She doesn't even want this person's name mentioned in her presence. And in her defence, she was brought up the youngest of a gigantic and rather poor family in an old mining area, which I think created many of the issues that make her a difficult person to deal with. "They fuck you up, your mum and dad..." Sadly I don't think my partner and his mother would be able to have the kind of serious conversation that might clear the air a bit. After a couple of sentences, one or the other takes offence, and says something snappish - then it escalates from there. If I can ever afford it, I'll get him some therapy sessions. My attempts to talk to him about it haven't been able to get to the root of why he gets so angry.

[Theda Baratheon]

Feeling good lately. Tired. Always tired but so much healthier and fitter than I have been in a long time. Had some cracking best of moments in my life recently. Finished a wicked job, made some great, true friends, had a fantastic end of season party at said job, won the fancy dress competition there hahaha. Had a job interview today that I feel went really well...fingers crossed I get it...I still have a bad habit of picking some of my scalp from stress which I know is gross but it’s a coping mechanism...need to work on that. And need to finish MA. But life seems to be okay right now. Full of possibilities. Becoming best version of myself and spreading positivity and joy to people I think 

[maarsen]

4 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Feeling good lately. Tired. Always tired but so much healthier and fitter than I have been in a long time. Had some cracking best of moments in my life recently. Finished a wicked job, made some great, true friends, had a fantastic end of season party at said job, won the fancy dress competition there hahaha. Had a job interview today that I feel went really well...fingers crossed I get it...I still have a bad habit of picking some of my scalp from stress which I know is gross but it’s a coping mechanism...need to work on that. And need to finish MA. But life seems to be okay right now. Full of possibilities. Becoming best version of myself and spreading positivity and joy to people I think 

I am so glad everything is going well for you. I hope the job comes through. You deserve it

 

[Theda Baratheon]

21 hours ago, maarsen said:

I am so glad everything is going well for you. I hope the job comes through. You deserve it

 

I didn’t get the job but it is what it is! I need to work on my MA anyway! 

[KingintheNorth4]

Despite feeling pretty lethargic, I'm doing pretty good. I'm still seeing the Autism Specialist and Psychiatrist. I did some driving recently, the first time in a long time that I've done that. Thankfully, being behind the wheel still feels natural to me. I'm cooking more now. Mostly baked salmon and baked chicken. The countertop oven is one of the better inventions from humanity. The next for me is finding a job and dating. 

[Toth]

It should be quite telling that it took me so long to answer and I can only answer because I literally worked myself sick trying to catch up on the stuff I missed because of Saturday. Tuesday i spent the entire afternoon, evening and night frantically churning out self-tests for my students only for the next day to start feeling sick and today get up with a fever, shivering fits and a throat hurting so much I can't even speak. So... after throwing a fit of anger I called in sick for today (which in turn took me ages and involved a secretary stubbornly asking my after my tutor even though I insisted several times that I am a teacher), though I hope to be fit enough to be back tomorrow, given that there are only four weeks left until all grades have to be finished and I can't allow myself to miss any lessons whatsoever.

On 11/3/2019 at 1:26 PM, dog-days said:

I probably got tougher through the experience in some ways, but at the same time the attendant anxiety was so intense and the depression at my failure to be as good as I thought I should be often made me completely miserable. I threw the towel in, and took a different job that was more process/rule-based and had regular hours and real contractual obligations - earning my living stopped depending on my ability to exude warmth and enthusiasm at groups of strangers when I felt scared and sad inside. Life has been much better since the change. 

Thanks for the attempt to help, but I guess that's not exactly what I need to hear right now. I love my job most of the time and yes, I totally understand that burnout happens when it's your only form of validation and that stops happening. I also understand the need to give it you all and being angry about failing to meet up to it. Because right now... well, preparing 14 lessons per week for 14 different classes in 9 different courses of study is stressful as hell and I am often pissed about how my lessons are rarely up to my usual level of creativity. But I guess that's mostly still after-effects of my awful time of teacher training that sucked all the fun out of it, because that's the point where my lessons already started deteriorating.

And now indeed something happened that I feared would happen. Some students in two of my classes who found my lessons too dry have started up rebelling, reacting to my tasks with constant outrage, refusing to work and aggressively questioning my fitness for the job in their attempts to disrupt classes. And after failing to be able to talk this out, I have started acting quite grumpy around them and stopped caring whether they do something in my lessons or not, which in turn caused them in one of these classes to complain at their class teacher about me being unwilling to listen to them. Once again, 4 weeks until the grades have to stand and next week is an exam. I am completely baffled at how to fix my relationship to them because even if I move the exam to a later date, I can't exactly do a 180° topic change to whatever they like a bit better and if I just use the time to do some more exam prep work to the same topic I am sure they will just refuse to do it and waste the time, increasing my frustration with them.

On 11/3/2019 at 1:26 PM, dog-days said:

I used to use meetup.com a lot when I lived in a fairly large city, and film meetups are quite popular. Unfortunately in smaller/more rural places meetup.com isn't that active, though I did actually set up a meetup group in one place that didn't have one, and that went quite well. (Though at that point I'd already got used to how meetup.com worked, so the idea wasn't as intimidating.) 

I looked at the site and.... sorry, that's... I have no idea what that is and it didn't seem like anything I'd be interested in. In regards to your other recommendations... I did some jogging but stopped out of lack of time, cycling gives me Vietnam flashbacks to the bullying of my asshole father and while language classes would interest me, I once again don't have the time for it. You just how much this Saturday wrecked my schedule and my health. It is also worth noting that I think my very first social anxiety attack happened when I was doing a Latin course at university and my study group wanted to meet up afterwards to a cup of coffee and I just fled the scene.

On 11/3/2019 at 1:26 PM, dog-days said:

My romantic life, such at it's been, only started when I was twenty-six. I used internet dating to meet my first partner. If you feel up to it, I'd say you should give it a go. My current partner of three years I met IRL when I wasn't looking for anyone - it took me by surprise - though on the whole I would advise being proactive about looking for relationships if you want one. Then you too may find yourself mediating between your SI and their nutty banana smoothie of a mother! 

Oh, that's another can of worms altogether. Coincidentally I am 26, but I have already passed all chances to start looking. I don't expect and don't want anyone to put up with such a fucked up ball of unresolved issues like myself. And online dating is an impossibility, what with the importance of photos (or the fact that having to do selfies because you have no friends to take photos of yourself is already considered a major red flag). And even if I do... where should I take the time to do anything other than school? I have no choice but focus solely on my lessons or both I and my students will be in horrific trouble.

[Buckwheat]

Awwwwww, Toth. I don't think we have talked before, but know that every time I read one of your posts, I just want to spend time with you one-on-one and do something fun and give you a big hug. I don't think it would help much, but just keep in mind that there are surely people who want to spend time with you - they are even asking you to all the time; if they didn't ask you to, they would not invite you - so please don't lose all hope about not being lonely at some point.

I know that teaching work is hard and demands a lot of time, but also make sure you take enough time for yourself! Your health is a priority for you, and no work is worth all your time. Good luck. I am impressed that you like this job!

[dog-days]

About eight years ago I encountered the phrase, then presented as exemplifying an "eastern" attitude to teachers, but actually stemming from Europe afaik, "a good teacher is like a candle, consuming itself to light the way for others". 

With added age and jadedness, I realize that this is a terrible idea. Teaching should be symbiosis, not based on some kind of lethal parasitism that kills the host organism. Good teachers tend to be happy teachers, and happy teachers tend to be people with hybrid identities. People who aren't just teachers, but also opera singers, artists, gardeners, film makers, sailors, potters, calligraphers, runners, dancers etc.  Of course, achieving this balance doesn't seem feasible in many modern education systems. Certainly not for many teachers working within the UK education system, from what I've read. 

 

[Toth]

10 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

Awwwwww, Toth. I don't think we have talked before, but know that every time I read one of your posts, I just want to spend time with you one-on-one and do something fun and give you a big hug.

Oh great, because getting pitied feels so great... -.-

(please don't take this reply as too harsh, but while I use this thread to vent and scream out my frustrations with myself, it's not like I do this to gain anyone's sympathy. In fact, ever since I realized that my father's go-to method for picking up women had always been endless whining, mostly about his marriage, I am quite afraid that this is a family thing and I should just stop venting at all for the sake of not inheriting the same fucked up mindset)

10 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

I don't think it would help much, but just keep in mind that there are surely people who want to spend time with you - they are even asking you to all the time; if they didn't ask you to, they would not invite you

I am... not quite sure I understand. Because I thought from my previous ramblings I thought I made it clear that no one invites me to anything and it's mostly just me attaching myself to some kind of group and then fleeing when that group has some meet-up and I get overwhelmed with a sense of not belonging there. The fact that no one personally invites me and I'm instead just forcing myself upon them heavily plays into why it's so easy for my mind to win the argument that I shouldn't be there in the first place.

10 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

I am impressed that you like this job!

And once again, something I have heard constantly by one of my examiners during teacher training which in turn caused my anxiety to increase a hundredfold. "I am amazed that someone like you wants to be teacher!". That's a way of praise that interlinks heavily with my parents' passive-aggressive "But surely you don't actually want to do this, do you?"

I know I've chosen an uphill battle thanks to my fucked-up-ness, but my fucked-up-ness is also a major driving force for why I find my work so important and why I don't want to screw this up. So yeah, me whining about my social anxiety actually is fairly unrelated to me whining about the conditions of my work.

8 hours ago, dog-days said:

About eight years ago I encountered the phrase, then presented as exemplifying an "eastern" attitude to teachers, but actually stemming from Europe afaik, "a good teacher is like a candle, consuming itself to light the way for others". 

With added age and jadedness, I realize that this is a terrible idea. Teaching should be symbiosis, not based on some kind of lethal parasitism that kills the host organism. Good teachers tend to be happy teachers, and happy teachers tend to be people with hybrid identities. People who aren't just teachers, but also opera singers, artists, gardeners, film makers, sailors, potters, calligraphers, runners, dancers etc.  Of course, achieving this balance doesn't seem feasible in many modern education systems. Certainly not for many teachers working within the UK education system, from what I've read.

That is something I can agree with. I have learned fairly fast that almost all problems in modern education stems from how little politicians want to take money into their hands to improve the work quality of the teachers. It's laughable here in Germany that they'd rather give all teachers a raise in working hours instead of hiring more teachers to actually reliably fill the timetables. It's laughable that when the unions rally for better conditions, the polititians flat out say that hiring is out of the question. It's insane. So many of my collegues have reduced their hours to a part-time level, preferring massive salary losses instead of the stress I'm making myself and it's so goddamn unnecessary.

[Buckwheat]

10 hours ago, Toth said:

Oh great, because getting pitied feels so great... -.-

(please don't take this reply as too harsh, but while I use this thread to vent and scream out my frustrations with myself, it's not like I do this to gain anyone's sympathy. In fact, ever since I realized that my father's go-to method for picking up women had always been endless whining, mostly about his marriage, I am quite afraid that this is a family thing and I should just stop venting at all for the sake of not inheriting the same fucked up mindset)

I didn't want to pity you, I actually wanted to say something comforting, but whatever. I am sorry I expressed myself wrongly.

10 hours ago, Toth said:

I am... not quite sure I understand. Because I thought from my previous ramblings I thought I made it clear that no one invites me to anything and it's mostly just me attaching myself to some kind of group and then fleeing when that group has some meet-up and I get overwhelmed with a sense of not belonging there. The fact that no one personally invites me and I'm instead just forcing myself upon them heavily plays into why it's so easy for my mind to win the argument that I shouldn't be there in the first place.

If you know of the meet up being organised and it is about your study/your work, then you are being invited.  You should be there, you are obviously a successful student if you finished studying and have some job experience already, at least you can talk about this, right?

Maybe you would function better not in group meetings, but one-on-one? So you are not overwhelmed by all the people around you? I don't know, just guessing.

10 hours ago, Toth said:

And once again, something I have heard constantly by one of my examiners during teacher training which in turn caused my anxiety to increase a hundredfold. "I am amazed that someone like you wants to be teacher!". That's a way of praise that interlinks heavily with my parents' passive-aggressive "But surely you don't actually want to do this, do you?"

I know I've chosen an uphill battle thanks to my fucked-up-ness, but my fucked-up-ness is also a major driving force for why I find my work so important and why I don't want to screw this up. So yeah, me whining about my social anxiety actually is fairly unrelated to me whining about the conditions of my work.

Sorry, expressed myself wrongly again. I was struggling with my own thoughts about teaching as a career. I am in a field where most of my study colleagues end up teaching. For me personally, I just don't want to do it - mostly because being personally responsible for a bunch of kids every day and also being responsible for their learning seems like a nightmare to me (I am fine with teaching adults though). So I kind of admire everybody who actually wants to do it. But yes, also on top of your social anxiety - it is all the more curious that you choose to do such a job that requires to be in contact with a large group of people at all times.  I am sure it is very rewarding, but also exhausting.

*bows out*

[KingintheNorth4]

This past Saturday was a first for me. I went to my first college basketball game with my cousin and her family. We're friends with the head coach of the visiting team and was able to get us tickets. His team, Loyola Maryland beat Chicago State 98-85.

[Theda Baratheon]

On 11/15/2019 at 1:32 AM, KingintheNorth4 said:

This past Saturday was a first for me. I went to my first college basketball game with my cousin and her family. We're friends with the head coach of the visiting team and was able to get us tickets. His team, Loyola Maryland beat Chicago State 98-85.

Sounds fun !  

[Toth]

Oh fuck, I just realized that in three months I'm turning 27. I guess it's pretty telling about my general state of mind in regards to my birthday that I needed a bit of time to figure out whether it is in less than three months or more than three months. I completely forgot the date. Sorry for the incoming rant, but I need to vomit this out somewhere.

I guess that's the final nail in the coffin for this week. I have been in a horrible haze. I was being exhausted all the time. Whatever free time I have during the week was eaten away by conferences, so I had to stay up extremely late to catch up on my preparations (and was doing those as ineffectively as I have been ever since my teacher training). At least I ended up with a few more proactive lessons that I was actually content with. The resulting lessons however dragged out more than a bit...

In any case, the worst part is that after each day when I was in the train back home I started to think and an overwhelming sense of loneliness ate away at me. I'm feeling like I have absolutely nobody to talk to both at home and at work. I feel extremely disconnected from my collegues, both because of the age difference and my anxiety about me being such a horrible teacher at the moment that makes me avoid them to hide that fact. And at home my mother just broke up with her last remaining friend and is only constantly ranting about it as well as berating me for my general ineptitude the moment I step inside, so she also falls flat as a conversation partner. I feel like I'm just a bottled up ball of misery just one moment short of bursting.

The main focus of my whining is probably also an age thing. These weeks have been ridiculous. I have been mistaken for underage numerous times, last Thursday even by a colleague who really should have known better by now. As paradoxical as it is, but getting mistaken for being significantly younger actually reminds me even more of how awfully old I actually am and how I have wasted my life in terms of making normal experiences now that my life is already nearly over as I am just watching the months fly by in a haze. And yes, the deep seating desire that I want to be close to someone, quite possibly even romantically, is quite a part of that feeling of my time having run out. The realization that it is already too late for that is drowning me. I feel like I'm in the weird situation where all the odds are stacked against me. I can't be seen as a love interest because I look so stupid and too young to boot, but once people find out just how old I actually am I am sure I will inevitably have to explain why I have no life experiences whatsoever and if I am actually supposed to open up about my past and the reasons why I am like I am, I will finally have killed off all chances because I will be seen as just a whiny self-absorbed asshole who is too emotionally stunted to offer any warmth and support himself. I'm a burden, easy as that. I will never be able to get that away and it will only get worse as time goes on.

[Ivan Tsarevich]

38 minutes ago, Toth said:

I just realized that in three months I'm turning 27.

If allowed, I would offer my congratulations.

Reading your post, it seems that you speak of exhaustion and loneliness at same time. When I'm overwhelmed, I get time and space for myself, but if what you hope is a positive human connection, that may not be among your wishes. On the other hand if what human connection you now have doesn't reinforce you, perhaps you could use some rest. So if I may be so bold, I would suggest you to consider finding a safe space if you do not already have one. Even if you are not as solitary as I am, at least it would allow you some quiet should you wish it.

1 hour ago, Toth said:

As paradoxical as it is, but getting mistaken for being significantly younger actually reminds me even more of how awfully old I actually am and how I have wasted my life in terms of making normal experiences now that my life is already nearly over as I am just watching the months fly by in a haze.

I disagree here. Now is 26th, soon 27th, January 2020. If you turn 27 in three months, you're about a month younger than I am. My life is hardly yet over, and neither should be yours. I don't know your life expectancy, nor shall I ask, but mine is about 79 and half years. By that count, we're not even halfway yet.

Otherwise, have strength.

[Toth]

Sorry for the late reply. The week had been quite busy again.

On 1/26/2020 at 10:48 PM, TsarGrey said:

Reading your post, it seems that you speak of exhaustion and loneliness at same time. When I'm overwhelmed, I get time and space for myself, but if what you hope is a positive human connection, that may not be among your wishes. On the other hand if what human connection you now have doesn't reinforce you, perhaps you could use some rest. So if I may be so bold, I would suggest you to consider finding a safe space if you do not already have one. Even if you are not as solitary as I am, at least it would allow you some quiet should you wish it.

Well, your take that people usually retreat to themselves when they are exhausted is correct. The thing I was complaining about was more or less the train of thought that because I am pretty damn near constantly exhausted and have to use every wake hour for my job, I can basically scrap the idea of... well, doing anything else, ever. That includes trying to overcome my social ineptitude as well as things like working towards my aim of trying to work abroad. I recently saw a three decades old pinboard with pictures of the teachers of my school and seeing so many names of people still working there made my heart drop. I wanted to keep moving, trying to avoid getting stuck at one school forever, but it looks more and more like when I started to work for real, my life essentially ended and now I can start counting the years till retirement like everyone else. It's an irrational thought, I know, but that's how I feel at the moment.

On 1/26/2020 at 10:48 PM, TsarGrey said:

I disagree here. Now is 26th, soon 27th, January 2020. If you turn 27 in three months, you're about a month younger than I am. My life is hardly yet over, and neither should be yours. I don't know your life expectancy, nor shall I ask, but mine is about 79 and half years. By that count, we're not even halfway yet.

Well, my family on the mother's side has a tendency to drop dead at the day of retirement, but right now I feel like I can't even make that. A psychological questionnaire I filled out during my Master studies put me firmly into the burnout risk group due to my lonely background and lack of support. I can probably have 10 more years like this and that's it.

[Ivan Tsarevich]

8 hours ago, Toth said:

Well, your take that people usually retreat to themselves when they are exhausted is correct.

*smiles lopsidedly* My "take" is more of a habit to think people taking their places in a sliding Jungian scale of introverts and extroverts, and recharging their energy in different ways, either by solitary relaxation or social interaction. It is my observation that people in general are curiously social, and not everyone appears to treat others mostly - but, mind you, not wholly - as a chore like I do. Some of them in turn try to urge me be more socially active, and may actually think I'm lonely when I merely wish to have some alone space where there's none you need to take into account. Of course I in turn probably fail to understand them.

But yeah, I think that everyone needs time for themselves. It works for me, so it's the best advice I have to give. To quote Rainer Maria Rilke:

"I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other. For, if it lies in the nature of indifference and of the crowd to recognize no solitude, then love and friendship are there for the purpose of continually providing the opportunity for solitude. And only those are the true sharings which rhythmically interrupt periods of deep isolation."

Rilke is the one of the few, if not the only one, that I have seen to apparently capture and word the same longing for loneliness I myself have long felt. Not that I have looked much, I admit. But seeing you to speak of exhaustion while at same time working and living in less-than-harmonious family situation, I would hope that you also sought a break. Break that looks like you, of course, but break all the same. I would hope you made it a habit. But that, naturally, is entirely your call and life.

8 hours ago, Toth said:

The thing I was complaining about was more or less the train of thought that because I am pretty damn near constantly exhausted and have to use every wake hour for my job, I can basically scrap the idea of... well, doing anything else, ever. That includes trying to overcome my social ineptitude as well as things like working towards my aim of trying to work abroad. I recently saw a three decades old pinboard with pictures of the teachers of my school and seeing so many names of people still working there made my heart drop. I wanted to keep moving, trying to avoid getting stuck at one school forever, but it looks more and more like when I started to work for real, my life essentially ended and now I can start counting the years till retirement like everyone else. It's an irrational thought, I know, but that's how I feel at the moment.

On the other hand, one might read that and think a stable job. If that's a correct reading, then if nothing else, you could perhaps try to save money to pursue your dreams should the chance present itself. And while I may be wrong, working hours sound like practical, concrete problem which can be solved, like all practical things can. In your shoes I would look to my schedule, but I'd expect you to already do that on a daily basis. I'd nonetheless would insist on optimism if the problem is working time, as that can change. Unless it is fixed for you.

Out of curiosity - feel free to not answer if that's personal for some reason - where abroad would you like to work?

8 hours ago, Toth said:

Well, my family on the mother's side has a tendency to drop dead at the day of retirement, but right now I feel like I can't even make that. A psychological questionnaire I filled out during my Master studies put me firmly into the burnout risk group due to my lonely background and lack of support. I can probably have 10 more years like this and that's it.

I sort of burnt out (may be incorrect term, but not going to my own problems) as a teen or somewhere around that age. Anyway, as said, I would hope that you avoid that. You might well burn out harder and not get up near as easily.