Xray the Enforcer Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 You can do it @Theda Baratheon! (I go through this same panic literally every time I report and write a story -- it suuuuuucks, especially since that shit is my job ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 I have to go on a trip to a couple museums tomorrow and honestly I am really considering not going. It won’t be useful, I doubt I need it to help my career, it’s just to meet up with a couple of the other trainee curators (2 won’t be there) and see their exhibitions and I want to go and support them but also will be hyper aware of the fact that it’s a huge chunk of my day gone when I should or could be writing instead. I mean I can double down on the evening instead considering I took Tuesday off as holiday from work so I could crack on but still. Going back and forth. I look hideous atm - don’t know if some social interaction will actually really help or hinder me lmfao. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 10 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said: I have to go on a trip to a couple museums tomorrow and honestly I am really considering not going. It won’t be useful, I doubt I need it to help my career, it’s just to meet up with a couple of the other trainee curators (2 won’t be there) and see their exhibitions and I want to go and support them but also will be hyper aware of the fact that it’s a huge chunk of my day gone when I should or could be writing instead. I mean I can double down on the evening instead considering I took Tuesday off as holiday from work so I could crack on but still. Going back and forth. I look hideous atm - don’t know if some social interaction will actually really help or hinder me lmfao. Decided not to go. Feel so relieved. Actually feel a lot better today? Even though there’s so much work to do. I know that I’ve been doing the reading and the researching and the thinking for months. It’s just the process of turning all my notes and word vomit into an actually well written cohesive essay. i also strongly suspect that I have ADHD and probably should have tried to get have diagnosed a long time ago. Funny enough, think I will try after this is over ive passed everything else in this masters so if I completely fail this dissertation I think I will still end up with a PGDIP. But that’s defeatist lol. I actually have been doing the work for this, maybe not as much as I should or as consistently as I should and COVID has made the whole process so much more difficult in ways I hadn’t even registered until very recently like just going to a library. I do my best work just sitting in a library with no distractions. so I’m telling myself even if I completely fail it won’t be the end of the world, but I WONT fail...because the feeling of relief and achievement if I actually end up passing this will be incredible and I don’t want to miss out on that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 Well I’m a mad bastard I submitted it with 2 minutes to spare and now I feel sick LOL I guess the waiting game begins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Chatywin et al. Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 26 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said: Well I’m a mad bastard I submitted it with 2 minutes to spare and now I feel sick LOL I guess the waiting game begins Take it was due my midnight? Just try and relax. You've got this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 44 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said: Take it was due my midnight? Just try and relax. You've got this! 11.59 so actually I only had ONE minute to spare lmfao absokutely cannot sleep now even though it’s 1.20 am and I have work tomorrow but hopefully tomorrow I’ll begin to unwind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Chatywin et al. Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 17 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said: 11.59 so actually I only had ONE minute to spare lmfao absokutely cannot sleep now even though it’s 1.20 am and I have work tomorrow but hopefully tomorrow I’ll begin to unwind I'd just call in if I had a cool boss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 11 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said: Well I’m a mad bastard I submitted it with 2 minutes to spare and now I feel sick LOL I guess the waiting game begins fuck yeah! congratulations!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maarsen Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 12 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said: Well I’m a mad bastard I submitted it with 2 minutes to spare and now I feel sick LOL I guess the waiting game begins I am hoping for the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HexMachina Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 On 9/2/2020 at 1:02 PM, Xray the Enforcer said: After a couple of false starts, I got some therapy organized for the Fall. The last time I was in therapy (a couple of years ago, after the unexpected death of my dad), it was verbal and inquiry-based. That helped me a lot and gave me an intellectual framework to help me keep my shit together on an ongoing basis. Even now, that inquiry-based approached helped me identify a lot of the issues I'm struggling with so I can recognize them and name them. But I've chosen art therapy this time around because even though I can recognize where and how things are becoming a problem, I'm having trouble actually getting out of those spirals. Anyway, curious if anyone else has done art therapy or movement-based therapy? On 9/21/2020 at 2:42 PM, Xray the Enforcer said: whooo just scheduled my first appointment with a new therapist. I've never done art therapy before, so this should be something new. Sounds good, how are you finding it? I did some art therapy sessions as a group years ago when I was an inpatient. It was part of our daily schedule, we got a mix of therapies as a group and then various individual sessions too. I personally didn't take the individual art therapy sessions because I'm not especially creative but they did help me find a calm and relaxed space if nothing else. I'm sure for people who are more creative and artisticly inclined it would be even more effective. For me I found talking and writing the most effective. Thinking back makes me chuckle because one of our session leaders clearly didn't GAF and just let us fill out our weekly menus during his sessions On 10/1/2020 at 12:08 AM, Theda Baratheon said: Well I’m a mad bastard I submitted it with 2 minutes to spare and now I feel sick LOL I guess the waiting game begins Congratulations! It's always scary to actually submit it but it does give an amazing feeling of relief in the following days knowing you are free of that particular burden! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 Only two sessions in right now and mostly it's been talking and some homework/writing exercises. We did talk a bit about using imagery (tarot cards in specific) as a launching off point for exploration, so I can see us going that route in later sessions. But I really like my therapist -- I don't have to spend time explaining the basics of social justice or transgender identity to them, but we explore those issues more organically in relation to what's giving me so much emotional trouble. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HexMachina Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 That's great! It's always a worry trying to find a therapist who is a good fit so I'm glad they seem to match with you and understand you. It's also a relief not having to dive into issues in an inorganic and uncomfortable way. Not quite the same but when I moved to outpatient and transferred to my local team they didn't have a clue how to handle me and just shoehorned in uncomfortable and insensitive discussion of my eating because they didn't specialise in that. Felt like being clubbed over the head every session I had. Best of luck with everything, hope you find it all helpful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 19 minutes ago, HelenaExMachina said: when I moved to outpatient and transferred to my local team they didn't have a clue how to handle me and just shoehorned in uncomfortable and insensitive discussion of my eating because they didn't specialise in that. Felt like being clubbed over the head every session I had. Ugh that's sucks. I am so sorry that this happened to you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HexMachina Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 5 hours ago, Xray the Enforcer said: Ugh that's sucks. I am so sorry that this happened to you Thanks. It was years ago now (yikes, almost 10 years now, where does time go?) but it's the kind of thing that sticks with you. Emphasises the importance of a good therapist fit too because mine was...not good. Nor was my case manager. I like to say I'm over it but no, I'm still resentful of both of them all these years later. My damn dietician was a better therapist to me at the time than them. On a more positive note though I am currently in a fairly good place mentally, relatively speaking*. I have my moments, and find mornings hardest to pull myself together. But working from home still really helps as I have longer to pull myself together and so haven't had to phone in sick/late at all. And I'm pretty good the rest of the day once I get going. *Relative to my usual state ETA: However I'm also going through a lot of confusing stuff and I don't really know how to organise my thoughts about these things. I need to speak to someone who understands I think, so as to make sense of it all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Chatywin et al. Posted October 8, 2020 Share Posted October 8, 2020 On 9/20/2020 at 2:57 PM, Theda Baratheon said: Doing OK? I don't believe I ever responded to this. Been playing fast and loose, abiding rules here and there. Certainly not where I should be, but at the same time, I've been way more focused than I have been in a while. Just sometimes I can't be bothered to care. Have you heard back yet from your own academic endeavors? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizard Queen Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 I think I might be getting into a rut of some sort. I'm just feeling kind of upset about life right now. I've been speaking with a therapist though and trying to do stuff to make things better, but quarantine makes getting what I need/want in this instance difficult. I've been pondering a lot as to what the hell is going on. The past few days I've been walking around feeling upset or what I'd describe as an "emotional malaise" about around the clock. I honestly don't know what all are the emotions that constitute the "malaise" or where they're coming from. It's murky to me. I just think something that happened recently has hit some sort of big insecurity/fear of mine. Analyzing everything has been helpful. I'm feeling better at the moment as I'm just sort of rationalizing all of this as stemming from irrational insecurities/fears (and I do think that's what it boils down to). Still don't know what's caused all the emotions though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizard Queen Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 The whole emotional storm (lol) passed by Sunday night. I started feeling just upset out of nowhere after I got out of class on Saturday. I did not feel good emotionally for the rest of the time, and the weird thing was, I honestly didn't know where the hell it was all coming from. I've had some drama with a friendship that's pretty much come to end recently, and I suspected that and some stuff the friend told me (that upset me) the previous weekend hit some tender, baggage-y spot, which I then emoted this last weekend. I spoke with my therapist about it on Tuesday. She said this actually normal. I don't recall exactly what she said as I was groggy and inattentive, and so got confused . But it sounded like, on top of getting emotional over stuff that reminds of negative events from childhood, we also might emote because for whatever reason our body/brain has decided now's a good time to emote those negative feelings we have from that part of our past. And the weird thing is, when it happens, you may not have thoughts of anything that's upset you recently or even distantly in the past. This is what happened to me. I just had all these negative emotions floating around, but there were no thoughts about anything that's made me unhappy attached to them... so I didn't definitively know what set the emotions off, I only had my speculation. It was all bizarre to me! I had been sad last week after the crap with my friend. Felt like I was getting into a rut. I think my mind had more related emotions to process, but I was busy last week and needed to focus on a lot of things, so it held back on the processing. And then, when I wasn't as busy over the weekend, it let the feels fly lol. I once went into a haunted house as a kid. I initially started feeling fear, but somehow pushed my emotions back and so I went through the house very calmly. But as soon as we got out the exit door, all these nasty emotions dumped down on me and I cried. I think that's basically what happened here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Chatywin et al. Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 Sometimes it's the oddest things that can jar you out of a bad spot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted October 26, 2020 Share Posted October 26, 2020 so angry at myself for being so mentally shit. Why can’t I just be good and normal. Why do I self sabotage all the time. I’m going to wake up one day and realise I wasted years and probably decades making myself unhappy and I can’t stop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted October 26, 2020 Share Posted October 26, 2020 But I try so so hard to be functioning and normal - this year I completed my masters degree whilst working full time at a busy job that requires a lot of mental energy at the same time as maintaining my podcast presence and building a tiktok presence and also being commissioned by the BBC. I’ve done fucking loads this year which PROVES I’m a normal human being but I still feel like a worthless useless ugly nothing. Why the fuck do I feel this way what more do I need to do to prove to myself that I’m fine. Why do I tell myself I have to lose 3 stone before I can even begin to think of being nice to myself what the fuck I’m not even SAD today I’m PISSED OFF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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