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HelenaExMachina

Mental Wellbeing Thread

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I have that weird feeling where I'm concerned that I'm not sad or depressed and because I'm not I think something must be wrong.

My triad relationship ended really abruptly.  The mess and the filth became too much, it was making me physically and mentally ill.  I decided to move out.  I take things literally and can be nothing other than honest and have a hard time figuring out when people aren't being literal or don't want honesty, so when they asked me to be honest about the reasons why, I told them simply that they were too mess and filthy for me but still felt our relationship could continue if we lived in separate housing.  It really was horrible, if I explained how filthy then you'd all understand.  But they didn't like that and took offense and we exchanged mean words and I thought fine, whatever I was starting to hate that location anyway.  Plus it was getting really cold and I honestly hate the cold.  So I started driving and driving and driving and ended up back to where I started years and years ago and I feel really ok with it.  More than ok, I feel like I never left and a certain sense of peace that I'm where I want to be.  Haven't felt any missing of my friends/girlfriends.  Haven't answered them or felt a desire to reach out in return.  I feel content with this decision.  But also wondering if maybe I'm numb because I had several big moves last year.  

I get really uncomfortable when I feel content.  It doesn't feel normal.  

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I'm now seeing a new doctor at my County's Community Health Center. The transition from the Summit Center to there was painless for the most part. After taking a year off, I'm back attending my local Junior College. I'm currently taking Sociology 101 and just finished my first major exam.

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I have had some issues for the past couple years, on the surface stemming from some chronic pain I began experiencing a little over 2 years ago. Hands and feet feel sensations of pain / excess warmth. After tons of tests, I was sent to a neurologist who told me that I didn't have neuropathy (damage to peripheral nerves), just an excess of stress ultimately screwing up my nervous relay system -- my parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems are out of wack and I need rest / less stress to eventually fix the issue.

So, I've been working at it. Limiting diet to healthy foods to not overstimulate system. Haven't quite got there with caffeine yet -- it's hard as a teacher to work with middle school kids all day long without an occasional boost (or 3), but I'm working at it. Deep diaphragm breathing has really helped to mitigate the pain when it flares, and to calm myself down. I had massive, massive anxiety about this for a year and a half-- not sure what was screwed up with me--to the point of suicidal contemplation, the nerve irritation was so consistent and mentally affecting. I've managed to mostly get over that period (end of last summer), when my stress was at its worst.

The thing, though, is that through analyzing the various stresses in my life and bringing them down to manageable levels, I've realized my wife is one of my biggest stresses. She is verbally, psychologically, and occasionally physically abusive (when enraged she strikes out). We've been married for 10 years and have two children, and while I manage to intervene enough to keep her temper from going overboard on my daughter (7), it's still very painful and stressful when she shouts and begins badgering. There is little love and basically no intimacy in the relationship at all, from the conception of my son a little over two years ago; we are both exhausted from raising two children, juggling life stress, etc. Part of the reason it took me a year and a half to receive a diagnosis is that she is such a cheapskate she had us off insurance, and it took a year+ to get on my work insurance due to the enrollment process. Whenever I'd talk about the issues, she didn't want to hear about it, and complained about the money I did spend attempting to locate its source. This really affected my psychologically, and I've been dominated/abused to the point that I fear spending money due to the stress I have to deal with at home (buying a coffee could be the source of an argument, in the past, to give this some perspective).

At this point we are nearing my leaving our current area to move to a different place, where we can afford to buy a house. My dilemma is that part of me respects what she does to raise our children -- teaching them other language, how to play piano, general housemaker stuff -- and I don't want my children being raised in a broken home. On the other hand, the stress of living with an overly critical, at times abusive person has led me to experience chronic pain on a daily basis, and it's hard to imagine living with this person another year, much less 10 or 20. 

Not sure what to do. I've mostly tried to just focus on keeping myself healthy and deep breathing to mitigate anxiety & nerve pain. But certain decisions will have to be made at some point, and that point is approaching.

 

 

 

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11 hours ago, kuenjato said:

I have had some issues for the past couple years, on the surface stemming from some chronic pain I began experiencing a little over 2 years ago. Hands and feet feel sensations of pain / excess warmth. After tons of tests, I was sent to a neurologist who told me that I didn't have neuropathy (damage to peripheral nerves), just an excess of stress ultimately screwing up my nervous relay system -- my parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems are out of wack and I need rest / less stress to eventually fix the issue.

So, I've been working at it. Limiting diet to healthy foods to not overstimulate system. Haven't quite got there with caffeine yet -- it's hard as a teacher to work with middle school kids all day long without an occasional boost (or 3), but I'm working at it. Deep diaphragm breathing has really helped to mitigate the pain when it flares, and to calm myself down. I had massive, massive anxiety about this for a year and a half-- not sure what was screwed up with me--to the point of suicidal contemplation, the nerve irritation was so consistent and mentally affecting. I've managed to mostly get over that period (end of last summer), when my stress was at its worst.

The thing, though, is that through analyzing the various stresses in my life and bringing them down to manageable levels, I've realized my wife is one of my biggest stresses. She is verbally, psychologically, and occasionally physically abusive (when enraged she strikes out). We've been married for 10 years and have two children, and while I manage to intervene enough to keep her temper from going overboard on my daughter (7), it's still very painful and stressful when she shouts and begins badgering. There is little love and basically no intimacy in the relationship at all, from the conception of my son a little over two years ago; we are both exhausted from raising two children, juggling life stress, etc. Part of the reason it took me a year and a half to receive a diagnosis is that she is such a cheapskate she had us off insurance, and it took a year+ to get on my work insurance due to the enrollment process. Whenever I'd talk about the issues, she didn't want to hear about it, and complained about the money I did spend attempting to locate its source. This really affected my psychologically, and I've been dominated/abused to the point that I fear spending money due to the stress I have to deal with at home (buying a coffee could be the source of an argument, in the past, to give this some perspective).

At this point we are nearing my leaving our current area to move to a different place, where we can afford to buy a house. My dilemma is that part of me respects what she does to raise our children -- teaching them other language, how to play piano, general housemaker stuff -- and I don't want my children being raised in a broken home. On the other hand, the stress of living with an overly critical, at times abusive person has led me to experience chronic pain on a daily basis, and it's hard to imagine living with this person another year, much less 10 or 20. 

Not sure what to do. I've mostly tried to just focus on keeping myself healthy and deep breathing to mitigate anxiety & nerve pain. But certain decisions will have to be made at some point, and that point is approaching.

 

 

 

So sorry you are going through that.

It sounds to me, at the least, like you need to see a marriage counselor.  If your wife does not want to or does not see the need, you need to make her understand this is a necessity, with the stress and anxiety you are going through and with you pinpointing that to her, this is something that must happen.

If you find a good, reputable marriage counselor, it's a possibility that they could help open the communication between the both of you and make things better, make her see the stress she's causing while still seeing that respect you have for her and maybe there are some areas you are misunderstanding her that a therapist could help and maybe relieve things bothering her. From what you've said, I see no better way to hope for an improvement to your situation and your wife needs to understand that and that not doing it could lead to worse things for everyone and that no matter what the status quo can't hold for long without something breaking.

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Posted (edited)

I recently had to face some stuff because of some checks I had to go through for my new job. Basically I’ve been living in denial. I told myself I’d been getting better, that I was in a healthy place, that I had put on weight and was making progress. 

The bleak facts he doctor presented to me on the screen said otherwise.

and it just brought everything flooding back. The memories of a hospital bed, and a surly old lady pointing to the red zone saying ‘this is you’ and shouting at me to eat my porridge. And I just can’t believe I let myself do that again. The signs have been exactly the same, the self-deception, the secrecy, the lies, the obsessive routines, all of it. And I ignored the warnings, and now here I am again, as though the last decade of progress never happened.

Oh, and also, in case it wasn’t obvious already, I failed the checks. So goodbye yellow brick road, no new career for me

 

(eta: I’ve had some time since I found all of this out to calm down by the way. On the day I was, erm, distraught may be an understatement. Wandering round Newcastle city centre was unpleasant with a red puffy face and I broke down in tears in three separate coffee shops much to my shame. Actually considering the North East’s reputation for having so,e of the friendliest people (which usually I agree with) not one person approached me and said “you ok?”

Edited by HelenaExMachina

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I've been getting better with my mental issues over the past months. I will say i wasn't doing good one bit, i would always take my anger out on my best friend, get angry at random times, and was paranoid that people were out to ruin me. 

But in December i kinda changed to be calm. I controlled my Anger issues because people wanted me to change and helped me.

But now its all coming back, i get these dark thoughts that i used to get now. Maybe if everyone were nice to me and didn't disrespect me all the time, things would be different. I wouldn't have been paranoid and all that. 

But other than that, my mental health has been good, i think.  

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5 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

I recently had to face some stuff because of some checks I had to go through for my new job. Basically I’ve been living in denial. I told myself I’d been getting better, that I was in a healthy place, that I had put on weight and was making progress. 

The bleak facts he doctor presented to me on the screen said otherwise.

and it just brought everything flooding back. The memories of a hospital bed, and a surly old lady pointing to the red zone saying ‘this is you’ and shouting at me to eat my porridge. And I just can’t believe I let myself do that again. The signs have been exactly the same, the self-deception, the secrecy, the lies, the obsessive routines, all of it. And I ignored the warnings, and now here I am again, as though the last decade of progress never happened.

Oh, and also, in case it wasn’t obvious already, I failed the checks. So goodbye yellow brick road, no new career for me

 

(eta: I’ve had some time since I found all of this out to calm down by the way. On the day I was, erm, distraught may be an understatement. Wandering round Newcastle city centre was unpleasant with a red puffy face and I broke down in tears in three separate coffee shops much to my shame. Actually considering the North East’s reputation for having so,e of the friendliest people (which usually I agree with) not one person approached me and said “you ok?”

This is one big obstacle but it doesn’t mean no new career and it doesn’t mean everything is doomed. What it DOES mean is that you have some things to face  to get yourself better again and I have every faith and confidence that you will. I’m so sorry all this happened when things were really looking up which will make your low feel even worse compared to that prior high. But whether you realise it or not your whole post was so self aware and articulate. You’re feeling rubbish and that’s understandable but you also know why!!  This is one knock back but I’m rooting for you big time and know you can get back up again xx 

if you ever wanna chat honestly know you can always send me a PM. Are you in any kind of supportive FB groups because I find those types of things really help me but I know that’s not for everyone. 

Sending you lots of good vibes!!!

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On 2/14/2018 at 4:42 AM, kuenjato said:

At this point we are nearing my leaving our current area to move to a different place, where we can afford to buy a house. My dilemma is that part of me respects what she does to raise our children -- teaching them other language, how to play piano, general housemaker stuff -- and I don't want my children being raised in a broken home. On the other hand, the stress of living with an overly critical, at times abusive person has led me to experience chronic pain on a daily basis, and it's hard to imagine living with this person another year, much less 10 or 20. 

Not sure what to do. I've mostly tried to just focus on keeping myself healthy and deep breathing to mitigate anxiety & nerve pain. But certain decisions will have to be made at some point, and that point is approaching.

 

 

 

If this can help even a bit, I have been raised in such a 'broken' home and I feel better for it. Sometimes separation heals both parties and becomes a godsend for the children.

 

Do not take it badly, but a disfunctional relationship between parents, and abuse towards the children feels broken already.

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@HelenaExMachina, I am very sorry to hear about your struggles. If you need to talk to somebody, you can always PM me. I hope you feel better by now and have a good support system in your family to help you get through the worst time. :grouphug:

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I feel like I've made some progress. The doctor I'm seeing at the local community health center recommended me to a Licensed Clinical Psychologist that specializes in coping mechanisms and behavioral therapy. Thankfully the Psychologist works in the same building. I went to my appointment to see him and he'll give me an Initial Assessment Therapy session at the end of next month. 

I'm very hopeful that with these tools, I can finally become fully unstuck, and unlock my full potential.

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i don't feel...terribly unwell lately but there's still a lingering weight over me. procrastination was awful today writing my last essay for the year. im not happy with it at all. 

i cried the other day in my driving lesson and had a panic attack in front of my mum on the same day. i don't know what's going on. in lots of ways my life is pretty good. i think im feeling trapped at the moment becausee i cant leave until i finish this bloody driving, but im also so desperate to leave this county. i cant wait to get out, im so isolated. im doing as much as i can but because im always doing so much, working, volunteering, studying, learning to drive, podcast, trying to go for long walks to keep myself physically and mentally healthy im like one step away from spontaneously combusting 

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i need a damn holiday. need to get out of this county even if its just to chill with friends for a few days 

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5 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

i don't feel...terribly unwell lately but there's still a lingering weight over me. procrastination was awful today writing my last essay for the year. im not happy with it at all. 

i cried the other day in my driving lesson and had a panic attack in front of my mum on the same day. i don't know what's going on. in lots of ways my life is pretty good. i think im feeling trapped at the moment becausee i cant leave until i finish this bloody driving, but im also so desperate to leave this county. i cant wait to get out, im so isolated. im doing as much as i can but because im always doing so much, working, volunteering, studying, learning to drive, podcast, trying to go for long walks to keep myself physically and mentally healthy im like one step away from spontaneously combusting 

When it comes to procrastination, I understand it all too well. For the sociology class I'm taking, I had to type a 3 - 5 page essay that was due on April 17. Suffice to say, I kept putting it off from the beginning of the semester in January all the the way to the week before it was due. Thankfully, only one source was needed for the essay, and I found most of that online with Google Read. It only took me two nights to complete it, and received a 95 out of 100 on it. 

I can also relate to feeling trapped and isolated. That feeling was definitely strongest during my high school years in Connecticut, where I didn't anyone and lived far from home. I really hope you overcome your panic attacks, I'm rooting for you.

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10 minutes ago, KingintheNorth4 said:

When it comes to procrastination, I understand it all too well. For the sociology class I'm taking, I had to type a 3 - 5 page essay that was due on April 17. Suffice to say, I kept putting it off from the beginning of the semester in January all the the way to the week before it was due. Thankfully, only one source was needed for the essay, and I found most of that online with Google Read. It only took me two nights to complete it, and received a 95 out of 100 on it. 

I can also relate to feeling trapped and isolated. That feeling was definitely strongest during my high school years in Connecticut, where I didn't anyone and lived far from home. I really hope you overcome your panic attacks, I'm rooting for you.

Thank you for the kind comment - the thing is I usually don’t get panic attacks! I mean...I have in the past but never in front of anyone it was very embarrassing 

all last night I could barely sleep I was just thinking about my essay 

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I'm always fascinated how re-reading a story about trust and friendship manages to pull a screwed up guy like me with no friends and severe trust-issues back onto his feet. At least for the moment... I wonder how it gets once I'm back in school next week.

The last few weeks were utterly terrible. I feel utterly stupid and hopeless in teacher training, unable to get back into the 'flow' I used to have in my practice semester. My Computer Science course is so tiny and unchallenging that it just feels wrong, meanwhile I didn't get a History class because there are too many history teacher trainees and I drew the short straw because of my ridiculous prep course schedule that makes it barely possible for me to be present in school. Now I have to 'teach' Social Studies instead. I have no freaking idea what I'm doing there, all I do is watch all my careful planning fall apart the moment it meets this perpetually unruly and exhausted 8th grade class and I can't even be angry at them for going totally crazy all the time because of how ridiculous the hour of my lessons is and of course with how unhappy I am myself with what I'm doing. I'm scrapping every sequence after every single lesson and start over from scratch. Again and again and again and again. This constant experimentation of course lead to me beating myself over about having totally wasted all my time I've 'worked' with them. And because so insanely many lessons get cancelled because of holidays or school events, the trimester is already nearly over and I sit here in the shambles of an utterly failed job...

Meanwhile my social anxieties cripple me again. I rambled here before about that group of former fellow students from university, who had thought it would be a neat idea to meet occasionally during teacher training. Well, almost all of them now left the What's App group, I barely get to message them myself and all conversations fizzle out immediately. I thought the Pentecost holdidays would be a great opportunity for us to meet after all these months, but due to their silence it would be down to me to suggest that... and the moment I realized that, I was overcome with the thought that I am in no position to make such a selfish request as to ask for a meeting, just because I'm lonely. I am sure their constant silence is proof enough that they have better things to do and I know from painful experience that people don't want to hang out with people who have issues.

Well... there's one other thought that kept me awake these weeks. That I've just turned 25 and still haven't managed to overcome my plethora of issues that make it impossible for people to suffer my presence. I somehow managed to force myself to tag along with some other teacher trainees after prep course two weeks ago (though only after fighting with my constant urge to flee) and yet I was barely able to strike up conversations and still went home at the earliest possible opportunity.

I mean... I really don't know whether this feeling of constant self-loathing is actually the trigger or whether it is my messed up sleep schedule. For some reason, I'm sleeping horribly, wake up absurdly early and fight whole days with swollen eyes and constant fatigue that make me barely able to think coherently. It got so bad that all of the prep-course examiners grew suspicious and asked me if something is wrong, likely due to me looking like a zombie and acting just as lethargic. Each time I was terrified of the prospect of them deciding that 'I'm not cut for being a teacher', given that this was mentioned as being almost the only reason for why they would make somebody fail.

Sorry for these incoherent ramblings. It's just that it is one of these points where I am absurdly aware that the only person I can trust is myself and that feeling is pretty overwhelming. At least these last days I've managed to dial back the pressure on my own, slept more and read a 'new' Higurashi chapter that just got a fan-translation. It is weird that a horror story manages to brighten my mood and help me focus, but I'm sure as hell not complaining about it. It likely is the core messages after all...

Even then... for now, all I ask is to get proper classes and my actual subjects so that I can show what I'm capable of and that I have fun with what I am doing. And not walk out of each lesson pondering how much of a failure I am for not being able to handle the most difficult class of the school at the end of an 8 hour day in a subject I was never told how to approach it.

My social anxieties are a different category and I feel like I've hit an impasse. Every time I start to think about socializing I end up hating myself for treating other people as opportunities for socializing. I fear that I could be not interested in my acquaintances for their own sake and this selfish reason of wanting to talk disgusts me, keeping me forever in an inner struggle that I can only loose. In the end I always decide on retreating, thinking that they deserve better company that isn't loaded with issues.

Well... at least I managed to write this down off my soul.

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I’m in a really bad depression spiral again I stay in side all day and do nothing I’m lucky if I can finally pick one film to watch all the way through and I don’t want to socialise and I don’t want to do anything and I’m disgusted with myself when will this shit end how many more years of my life do I have to waste being a pathetic piece of useless shit 

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I'm not doing great at the moment. I am sure the vast majority of the reasoning is due to tiredness from being overworked etc but I'm just feeling increasingly isolated and shit. Haven't felt "myself?" for a few months now and not sure how to get out of this spiral.

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On 6/5/2018 at 1:26 PM, Theda Baratheon said:

I’m in a really bad depression spiral again I stay in side all day and do nothing I’m lucky if I can finally pick one film to watch all the way through and I don’t want to socialise and I don’t want to do anything and I’m disgusted with myself when will this shit end how many more years of my life do I have to waste being a pathetic piece of useless shit 

I was trying to think of what to say to this without coming off as patronizing, as some people that don't suffer from mental illness unintentionally do sometimes. All I can say is that I hope you can find some form of comfort during this time. I hope your healing process goes well and seek whatever means you can to crawl out of the hole and into the light.

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18 minutes ago, KingintheNorth4 said:

I was trying to think of what to say to this without coming off as patronizing, as some people that don't suffer from mental illness unintentionally do sometimes. All I can say is that I hope you can find some form of comfort during this time. I hope your healing process goes well and seek whatever means you can to crawl out of the hole and into the light.

Thank you. Appreciate it. :)

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