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HelenaExMachina

Mental Wellbeing Thread

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9 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

Well looks like my drinking days are over. Monday night I had a seizure from alcohol withdrawal and now I have to go on this stupid medicine for a long ass time. 

Time to go buy a fat bag of weed I guess.  

I was in the hospital from a work injury for almost six weeks several years back, and that time along with the resulting 8 plus months of the injury healing forced me to quit smoking (pack and a half a day) and it really cut my drinking down to a minimum. To be honest, I couldn't have quit smoking without it happening, tried several times to no avail. I really only drank on weekends by then but it was more weekend alcoholic style 3 day benders. I'll get drunk maybe a handful of times a year nowadays.

I guess my point is that when I was confronted with my own health, and really being lucky to be alive from the accident, up close and personal like that, the changes I needed to make weren't fucking optional anymore. Do it, or I'd be right back in the hospital. Fuck that. It blows that you had a seizure and I hope all is well from that, but use it as a positive and you'll be surprised how much easier quitting will be. Always around if you need an ear man. 

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8 hours ago, Joe Pesci said:

I was in the hospital from a work injury for almost six weeks several years back, and that time along with the resulting 8 plus months of the injury healing forced me to quit smoking (pack and a half a day) and it really cut my drinking down to a minimum. To be honest, I couldn't have quit smoking without it happening, tried several times to no avail. I really only drank on weekends by then but it was more weekend alcoholic style 3 day benders. I'll get drunk maybe a handful of times a year nowadays.

I guess my point is that when I was confronted with my own health, and really being lucky to be alive from the accident, up close and personal like that, the changes I needed to make weren't fucking optional anymore. Do it, or I'd be right back in the hospital. Fuck that. It blows that you had a seizure and I hope all is well from that, but use it as a positive and you'll be surprised how much easier quitting will be. Always around if you need an ear man. 

Honestly my biggest motivator, even more than my health, is that my mind will be clear for studying for grad and law school. 

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I cannot lie, sobriety is boring as shit.  

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Posted (edited)
59 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

I cannot lie, sobriety is boring as shit.  

Yes, yes it is.

I went dry because of Covid. To be fair, I didn't drink that much anymore. I still felt it, literally dreamt I was drunk at least one night.

Alcohol is one hell of a drug. We tend to forget it because it's so well accepted by society, but it's on par with cocaine for addiction or health issues (not to mention all the social ones).

Now that I barely drink I'm kinda worried that nights out with my buddies won't be as fun. Some of them are bona fide alcoholics.

Anyway, best of luck, it'll be tough.

Edited by Rippounet

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On 6/8/2020 at 7:30 PM, Tywin et al. said:

/snip

You sound like you made an incredibly difficult life changing decision. That takes a lot of strength and determination. You will get through this and the sun will shine all the brighter on the other side (with non-carcinogen rays). 

 

I... just can’t find the words to phrase what I feel right now. Essentially I’m just frightened. And helpless and paralyzed and shocked and numb and angry and terrified and furious. I feel powerless and tinier than an ant and I keep having these Hollywood induced fantasies about how things will be  perfectly all right in 24 hours or how my entire world will collapse in 24 hours, because at this point I thoroughly believe that things can and will get worse, and much worse. I wouldn’t ever have envisioned in my wildest nightmares for something so absurd and unfair and unthinkable to happen -trust me I had my share of anxiety over the well-being of my loved ones-  and it did, so who the hell knows what shit is going to pour down from the sky next. 

 I just don’t know what to do. Should I wait and see how things unfold and not rush into anything? Or the time for practicalities and damage control is right now? I don’t even understand the extent and details of the situation, which makes me even more helpless and frustrated. And while I don’t care about money or the impact on my life because I’ll figure it out and it’ll be all right somehow, we do still live in 2020 so I have to care about money and bills and roof and food and businesses and my sister’s tuition and her roof and food, which makes me feel selfish, shallow and scared all at the same time. I don’t want to have to deal with that. I want things to be right. And I have the terrible suspicion that they won’t be. And I’m frightened of that suspicion’s coming true. 

At this point my sister was made aware of the situation (which I’m not going to name in case I didn’t make the clear previously), it took her a few hours, but she worked herself up over it and the sun has to orbit around her anyway, so I’m on the phone with her all the time and it’s demanding and tiring and she’s not a child anymore, in fact she’s a law student, she understands this shit better than I do. And I know I’m selfish (or maybe I’m not, because boundaries are healthy) but I just don’t have the strength to reply to text and be on the phone with her every other hour for twenty minutes. When I’m not crying or being sick with worry or phoning the lawyer or comforting my mum or worrying about practicalities or thinking about potential outcomes and ramifications, I should eat or take an ibuprofen or manage my own mental health instead of talking about sister’s school problems, which always end with her taking offense over my response or lack there of and hanging up. 

while I was writing this I received news that things won’t get as ugly as they could just yet (although we have no idea how that may change in the future or how long the less ugly scenario is going to last). Still, it makes me a little bit hopeful. 

I’m exhausted and confused, I have a headache and I still can’t quite believe I’m wasting money on Netflix when my entire family life is a full Netflix package in itself. 

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Posted (edited)

Right now  seems to be the deep breath before the plunge. 
The world is cold, disloyal, gullible and unfair. And quite medieval if I am honest. Everybody’s alone. We are all tiny, isolated specks and when the weather changes and it hails down on you, nobody comes. 
It’s a cliche, but it all feels like a film. Like it’s realty because it’s so absurd and unlikely. It feels like the most heart wrenching drama I’ve ever seen and keep wanting to shield my eyes and look away while I sit in the corner and dig my fingers into the teddy bear I don’t have to pretend a sense of security. 
I feel so so so helpless and vulnerable. And I’m so frightened of the unknown. And of what I do know. I’m not even sure which makes me more afraid. The life changing adjustment that I know is coming is frightening and painful, but not knowing when, how, for how long and to what extent is worse. And knowing how much more unpredictability and fear and heartache is still coming is also worse. 
I suppose 2021 will be the year when I will finally have to spend money on a therapist, if we ever get there. Or maybe that misinterpreted Mayan calendar is right after all and we won’t. The world can very well end on Sunday, for all I care. 
 

ETA: I do want to add that I’m grateful to be able to take a deep breath before the plunge. It gives time to prepare, mentally and practically. I don’t suppose it’s possible at all to prepare emotionally. I’m still somewhere in-between denial and depression with flashes of anger and fits of bargaining, and so so far from acceptance. But maybe time to prepare and just recompose from the shock will help me move in that direction and do things that are useful, instead of infantile despair. So I am truly truly grateful for the resting point and the time to take a breath. 

 

Edited by RhaenysBee

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I guess sharing on here might help a little.

I suffered from absolutely crippling depression in my late teens until I was about 20/21, since then I’ve had it under control, met my amazing wife and have had two beautiful,amazing children who I love with all my heart and are one of the few things that puts a smile on my face at the moment.

I don’t know if it’s because of the lockdown but I’ve felt that horrible dark cloud rearing it’s head  over the last few weeks and resent myself for even feeing this way because I should be so happy at the moment and I’m just feeling a lot of things from the past, I’m going to find someone to talk to now that lockdown is lifting and work through things.

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1 hour ago, Jen'ari said:

I guess sharing on here might help a little.

I suffered from absolutely crippling depression in my late teens until I was about 20/21, since then I’ve had it under control, met my amazing wife and have had two beautiful,amazing children who I love with all my heart and are one of the few things that puts a smile on my face at the moment.

I don’t know if it’s because of the lockdown but I’ve felt that horrible dark cloud rearing it’s head  over the last few weeks and resent myself for even feeing this way because I should be so happy at the moment and I’m just feeling a lot of things from the past, I’m going to find someone to talk to now that lockdown is lifting and work through things.

Really sorry to hear of this, both your teen and current struggles. It may be lockdown, it may just be one of those things - depression (for me, at least) is often very random and illogical, crashing down like a roaring black wave at the most inopportune and inexplicable moments. Everything can be going brilliantly and suddenly i will feel i’ve hit rock bottom, mentally. What’s in your mind does not always align with reality. I hope you are able to stop resenting yourself - none of this is your fault, you should not feel bad for feeling like that. 

I am glad you are going to find someone to talk to. Does your wife know of your struggles? If not, I encourage you to be as open as you can - I cannot emphasise enough how important a strong support network who I am able to speak openly to has been for me in recent years. Regardless of whether she knows, or you feel able to tell her, I am glad you plan to seek help and wish you the best :grouphug:

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10 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

Really sorry to hear of this, both your teen and current struggles. It may be lockdown, it may just be one of those things - depression (for me, at least) is often very random and illogical, crashing down like a roaring black wave at the most inopportune and inexplicable moments. Everything can be going brilliantly and suddenly i will feel i’ve hit rock bottom, mentally. What’s in your mind does not always align with reality. I hope you are able to stop resenting yourself - none of this is your fault, you should not feel bad for feeling like that. 

I am glad you are going to find someone to talk to. Does your wife know of your struggles? If not, I encourage you to be as open as you can - I cannot emphasise enough how important a strong support network who I am able to speak openly to has been for me in recent years. Regardless of whether she knows, or you feel able to tell her, I am glad you plan to seek help and wish you the best :grouphug:

Thank you for your kind advice :).

She does know, me and her have always been very open with each other and talked through things, she’s been incredibly supportive and brilliant but I feel like I can’t always tell her everything I’m feeling and thinking so want to see a professional and work through things.

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4 hours ago, Jen'ari said:

Thank you for your kind advice :).

She does know, me and her have always been very open with each other and talked through things, she’s been incredibly supportive and brilliant but I feel like I can’t always tell her everything I’m feeling and thinking so want to see a professional and work through things.

I'm glad you are able to be open with her and she is so supportive. I wasn't suggesting her in place of a professional though, so I'm glad you are seeking the help.

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My father was diagnosed with cancer today, esophagus. Went into hospital vomiting blood last week, biopsy came back positive. They think it’s urgent, surgery probably in the next week or two, followed by chemo, etc. Gonna scan for other possible cancers first. No visitors are allowed.

Because of COVID, I am worried he will never get to meet his first grandchildren. I know people can live with this stuff for decades, but right now it feels like this might deteriorate quickly...probably just emotions. Am pretty down.

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9 hours ago, James Arryn said:

My father was diagnosed with cancer today, esophagus. Went into hospital vomiting blood last week, biopsy came back positive. They think it’s urgent, surgery probably in the next week or two, followed by chemo, etc. Gonna scan for other possible cancers first. No visitors are allowed.

Because of COVID, I am worried he will never get to meet his first grandchildren. I know people can live with this stuff for decades, but right now it feels like this might deteriorate quickly...probably just emotions. Am pretty down.

I'm really sorry, James Arryn. This must be a terrible time for you, and in the middle of a terrible year too.

At least, it sounds as if the medical staff are ready to do their best for your father without any delays. 

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16 hours ago, James Arryn said:

My father was diagnosed with cancer today, esophagus. Went into hospital vomiting blood last week, biopsy came back positive. They think it’s urgent, surgery probably in the next week or two, followed by chemo, etc. Gonna scan for other possible cancers first. No visitors are allowed.

Because of COVID, I am worried he will never get to meet his first grandchildren. I know people can live with this stuff for decades, but right now it feels like this might deteriorate quickly...probably just emotions. Am pretty down.

I am terribly terribly sorry. Such serious illness should be top priority to treat even with covid, right? Not being able to see him is awful. It’s just horrible to know that a loved one is going through something so scary and sudden, and not being able to be there to support them through it. I’m terribly sorry and I wish from the bottom of my heart that even with Covid complicating hospital life, your dad will push through this and stay with you for many years to come.
and yes, things usually feel worse than they are even when they are actually very bad. My two pennies, if you take them, is to give yourself time to recover from the shock and be kind and patient with yourself. There’s no right or wrong way to feel or react. 

On 6/20/2020 at 9:52 AM, Jen'ari said:

Thank you for your kind advice :).

She does know, me and her have always been very open with each other and talked through things, she’s been incredibly supportive and brilliant but I feel like I can’t always tell her everything I’m feeling and thinking so want to see a professional and work through things.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this :( I suppose it’s likely that lockdown and the virus and the overall morale of the world would bring out the dark thoughts in everybody’s mind, especially if you have history with depression. I hope you get to see a professional soon and they can help you. :grouphug: 
 

 

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On 6/20/2020 at 1:30 PM, HelenaExMachina said:

I'm glad you are able to be open with her and she is so supportive. I wasn't suggesting her in place of a professional though, so I'm glad you are seeking the help.

She’s pretty amazing, sometimes I wonder why she puts up with me.

She thinks the same and that I should go and see someone which I’m hopefully going to do in the next couple of weeks.

Today has actually not been as bad, I’ve had less negative emotions and had a lovely walk in the countryside with mrs & mini Siths.

5 hours ago, RhaenysBee said:

 

I’m really sorry you’re going through this :( I suppose it’s likely that lockdown and the virus and the overall morale of the world would bring out the dark thoughts in everybody’s mind, especially if you have history with depression. I hope you get to see a professional soon and they can help you. :grouphug: 
 

 

Thank you :), I’m going to start trying to find a suitable therapist this week.

21 hours ago, James Arryn said:

My father was diagnosed with cancer today, esophagus. Went into hospital vomiting blood last week, biopsy came back positive. They think it’s urgent, surgery probably in the next week or two, followed by chemo, etc. Gonna scan for other possible cancers first. No visitors are allowed.

Because of COVID, I am worried he will never get to meet his first grandchildren. I know people can live with this stuff for decades, but right now it feels like this might deteriorate quickly...probably just emotions. Am pretty down.

:grouphug: I’m really sorry to hear this, I hope he makes a fast and full recovery.

I can’t really offer any advice other than to be there for him as much as possible, it’s going to be emotionally tough on you as well as him.

I sincerely hope he recovers and doesn’t deteriorate quickly at all, as someone who lost their dad way too early all I can say is treasure every moment, it wasn’t the same situation with him though it was sudden and unexpected, but 14 years on I still miss him terribly.

Best wishes to you both.

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On 6/20/2020 at 3:46 PM, James Arryn said:

My father was diagnosed with cancer today, esophagus. Went into hospital vomiting blood last week, biopsy came back positive. They think it’s urgent, surgery probably in the next week or two, followed by chemo, etc. Gonna scan for other possible cancers first. No visitors are allowed.

Because of COVID, I am worried he will never get to meet his first grandchildren. I know people can live with this stuff for decades, but right now it feels like this might deteriorate quickly...probably just emotions. Am pretty down.

,I am so so sorry to be reading this, James. That's really tough news. My dad had stomach cancer, also a tough diagnosis. But we should be moving out of stage 1 in lockdown very soon, your dad will be able to meet his grandchildren, I'm very sure. My heart goes out to you and your family.  :grouphug:

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Posted (edited)

I had a panic attack yesterday. It's my second - the first happened about four years ago, when I had no idea what it was, thought it could be a heart attack, and ended up being driven to the out-of-hours doctor in the middle of the night. In the intervening years I've had my main symptom (hyperventilation) flare up now and again but I've been able to manage it with breathing exercises. I kind of view it as karma for having a certain amount of a "wouldn't happen to me" attitude in my teens and early twenties. 

This one was a bit drawn out - I didn't feel I was definitely pulling out of it for about four hours. Then I saw a daft old joke on Twitter and laughed aloud, and knew I was getting better. 

As with last time, there wasn't an obvious trigger. I mean, there are several things that have been making me hugely anxious and miserable, but at the time the attack started, I was in a fairly good mood, just returning home from a short but enjoyable cycle ride. :dunno: I'm still shaky today. Just been out to the shops to buy various caffeine free products in the hope it helps. 

Edited by dog-days

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On 6/8/2020 at 6:30 PM, Tywin et al. said:

Sigh, I guess this is the best place to write this. For many years I'e been a relatively high functioning alcoholic. For better or worse I never vomit when I drink, even if the binge drinking has been excessive. A few nights ago I really hurt my HS sweetheart. The details don't matter, but I was wrong, and I did it impart because I was trashed. 

I have not slept since I woke up Saturday morning, and I polished off most of a 1.75 over the last two days. And on the following mornings I woke up vomiting my guts out all day, and yet I still kept hitting the bottle. Happened this morning again, so the third straight morning. And I'm fucking done with this. I've set my life back years due to this, and as I sat there on the floor, shit running down my face, and I made myself a promise, this ends now. I can't go cold turkey, but I made myself a road map to get to 0-2 drinks a day except at parties, and I hope it takes less than two weeks. This is going to be the hardest battle of my life, and I know I will fail at times, but if I don't try I'm never going to live out my dreams, and I had such great expectations just a few years ago. To travel the world, to becoming a lawyer or get to a PhD, to have healthy relationships with women. And to stop letting my family down. So here goes nothing.

I want to sincerely apologize to any and everyone I was a dick to here when I logged on while smashed. This is not going to be fun. It will be easier if I still get this week and next off.

Rooting for you! 

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1 hour ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Rooting for you! 

Appreciate it, but a big wrench got thrown into it, so now I don't have much of a choice.

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Man, this one pill they gave me to take three times a day sucks. It makes you dizzy as all hell and then you pass out, and you keep having to take them and they're big and chalky.

Funny reading various articles debating if weed is good or bad for treating for post a seizures. 

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2 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

Man, this one pill they gave me to take three times a day sucks. It makes you dizzy as all hell and then you pass out, and you keep having to take them and they're big and chalky.

Funny reading various articles debating if weed is good or bad for treating for post a seizures. 

This does sound deeply unpleasant and disturbing.  Hopefully, at some point there is going to be a recovery so you no longer need to take this medication -- is that the case?  Hang in there.

 

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