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HelenaExMachina

Mental Wellbeing Thread

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Small progress update: I went to the GP this morning, sat and waited for an appointment. I struck lucky, and got a GP who was most helpful to me when I was regularly seeing them for medication reviews around 6-7 years ago. She was very kind and when I had briefly explained why I was there she set aside enough time for a double appointment so we wouldn't be disturbed. Had a good long chat, she asked a nurse to do some tests and checks (height, weight, bloods) and will phone me when the results are in to organise another appointment (because there is absolutely no doubt I will need some kind of vitamins etc...something I didn't mention before was the blood donors had to turn me away because my fingerprick didn't float so my iron is low and I can't donate for a year). 

Other than that, we just had a talk, didn't put me on anti-depressants (I told her I was wary of going on them again) but getting me to commit to another appointment and monitoring of bloods and weight was a good step. She's also going to try and get me referred to a therapist so we'll see how things go I suppose. 

 

@KingintheNorth4 I am the biggest hypocrite in the world for saying this but 26 is not too old to change things. You have so much of your life ahead of you, and as ours have said you can still get that education and experience you need to pursue a higher level career or whatever it is you want to do. A part of me wonders if I should not have taken a break before/during uni to focus on my health but that ship has sailed now. It was not pleasant though, dealing with a myriad of MH issues and the stress of uni, debt and part-time work. The best of luck with whatever you decide to do, and remember to focus on your health and wellbeing over what you think is expected of you. 

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that's good news @HelenaExMachina. :)

I had a hellish weekend back at home, the first time I've seen my mom since my dad died. I feel like everything I did was a failure. I am glad that I signed up for therapy because holy shit, if I didn't need it before, I definitely need it now.

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On ‎10‎/‎9‎/‎2017 at 0:22 PM, HelenaExMachina said:

Small progress update: I went to the GP this morning, sat and waited for an appointment. I struck lucky, and got a GP who was most helpful to me when I was regularly seeing them for medication reviews around 6-7 years ago. She was very kind and when I had briefly explained why I was there she set aside enough time for a double appointment so we wouldn't be disturbed. Had a good long chat, she asked a nurse to do some tests and checks (height, weight, bloods) and will phone me when the results are in to organise another appointment (because there is absolutely no doubt I will need some kind of vitamins etc...something I didn't mention before was the blood donors had to turn me away because my fingerprick didn't float so my iron is low and I can't donate for a year). 

Other than that, we just had a talk, didn't put me on anti-depressants (I told her I was wary of going on them again) but getting me to commit to another appointment and monitoring of bloods and weight was a good step. She's also going to try and get me referred to a therapist so we'll see how things go I suppose. 

 

Sounds like it was a good appointment!

When I had the surgery for the cancer on my face, I bled excessively, so much so that the doctor commented that I was in the top 1% of bleeders not on blood thinners that he has ever worked on.  He's a plastic surgeon who specializes/deals in these types of things several times a day, so it wasn't just the normal "faces tend to bleed more" things.

Turns out that I am B-12 deficient (from long term use of antacids). Not eating much red meat is another cause (not mine though, I eat lots, but people who don't can have low iron too).  I looked up the issues that can result from low B-12 and depression, anxiety and even psychosis can result.  So I'm glad you did a blood work up too.

I started taking 1000mcg of B-12 this month, so I'm hoping they help some too. My doctor said that multi-vitamins and even B-complex ones don't really contain much B-12, so a supplement that is just B-12 should be taken.

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16 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I def am anemic and B-12 deficient and don't do enough to help myself 

Look for a soy milk that is B-12 fortified if you can't get around to buying/taking B-12 supplements. And pumpkin seeds have a decent amount of iron...

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5 hours ago, Weeping Sore said:

Look for a soy milk that is B-12 fortified if you can't get around to buying/taking B-12 supplements. And pumpkin seeds have a decent amount of iron...

Thanks - will look into that.

I lay down for an hour today at like 4pm just because I wanted to be warm and comfy. I went and lay in bed cwtched up in my quilt.

 

Is that bad? I had no depressive thoughts with it just tired and wanted to be warm and comfy 

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13 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Thanks - will look into that.

I lay down for an hour today at like 4pm just because I wanted to be warm and comfy. I went and lay in bed cwtched up in my quilt.

 

Is that bad? I had no depressive thoughts with it just tired and wanted to be warm and comfy 

Nah nothing wrong with just wanting a comfy lie down!

Unless it turns into not moving for 2 days.

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6 hours ago, lessthanluke said:

Nah nothing wrong with just wanting a comfy lie down!

Unless it turns into not moving for 2 days.

I keep doing it but only for like an hour or less at a time.  I do find it difficult to wake up. Not having any depressive thoughts at all. In fact I havent really had any in ages I'm just so low energy all the time 

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On ‎10‎/‎13‎/‎2017 at 0:12 PM, Theda Baratheon said:

I keep doing it but only for like an hour or less at a time.  I do find it difficult to wake up. Not having any depressive thoughts at all. In fact I havent really had any in ages I'm just so low energy all the time 

I don't have "depressive thoughts" most of the time...in fact, I have very few thoughts or feelings when I'm not actively working on something. I posted a meme on facebook once that shows the feelings of depression (anxiety, et al) and 50% of it was "nothing" (I don't think I can find it at work).  I think one of the biggest misconceptions about major depressive disorder is that a person always has depressive thoughts (and next biggest is that there is an external reason why you feel that way).

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On 10/13/2017 at 0:12 PM, Theda Baratheon said:

I keep doing it but only for like an hour or less at a time.  I do find it difficult to wake up. Not having any depressive thoughts at all. In fact I havent really had any in ages I'm just so low energy all the time 

The benefits of napping are well documented.  Not saying you don't have a vitamin deficiency or trying to wave away any mental health concerns you have.  But an hour or less of napping can be a great thing for all day alertness!

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I started seeing a therapist a few months ago, and while it is slow going sometimes, it is actually starting to make a difference. My anxiety is getting a little better, but perhaps it would be nice to have another outlet.

Lately I've realized that I've been feeling lonely, which isn't normally a big deal, but almost two months with little to no contact with folks who aren't family or co-workers is starting to get to me. My biggest problem is that I have this little itty bitty issue with being horribly insecure which feeds into my anxiety. I constantly feel like my very presence is an imposition, like me just being around is bothersome, even for those who I know enjoy my company, and never mind someone I don't know.

Now lets hope this doesn't decend into a bout of depression (aaaaaand now suddenly I'm getting anxious it already has).

Edited by GrimTuesday

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I'm so angry right now.  I'm even more pissed that my efforts to communicate have been a complete fail lately.  I seriously feel like I need some kind of a translator.  Time to see if the therapist will take me back, because it's only Thursday and I'm so mad I can't sleep in my own house.

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Every time anyone posts something here I want to say something encouraging, something that might help even if it is just a little, but in the end I never manage to do so, because everything coming to my mind ends up being not good enough. Know that I read everything here, know that I feel with everything you write and wish you to get better.

Well... I wanted to say that so that it doesn't look like I'm just taking up space with my whining about petty problems. It's just that... damn, I'm just so thrown out of whack since last week. It's a reminder just how messed up I am that a single stupid mistake and the resulting anxiety is enough to destroy everything that I was trying to do. I was in between Master degree and teacher training, apparently everything study-related finished, all application papers properly sent, my position as good as secured and even more importantly I've promised to stay in contact with a few fellow students who go into teacher-training at the same time and was desperately clinging to the vain hope of getting something resembling an ordinary social circle for once, maybe even... I barely dare to say it... friends...

... or so I thought...

Because then it suddenly turned out that with all the chaos that is my computer science study on a campus without any professors, I somehow ended up missing 5 credit points. The problem was that the only professor left just before a new study regulation had to be implemented and I started with my Master studies, which means that I've only gotten a distinct course schedule in my third semester and had to guess which courses to take up until then with a system that offered me all of them and had the frustrating tendency to show me gained credit points only after something got acquired. Long excuse, short conclusion, I was too busy, too exhausted and too fucking stupid to keep track of all the weirdly fractured computer science courses and how they were somehow merging the credit points and that's why I missed a little footprint which read "replace this one with any 5 point course whatsoever" that went unnoticed because I also expected to get 20 credit points for my Master thesis, not just 15. There is still a sliver of hope though, since during my Bachelor I had attended and passed one 5 point course more than I needed to, so I've made an appointment with the examination board for this week to go beg them on my knees that this old Bachelor course could somehow get shifted to my Master. Till then half a year of my life is locked in Schroedinger's catbox.

And I am summarizing all this because this bout of stupidity is utterly wrecking me. I cannot face anyone at all. I've cut all ties, completely broken any contact with everyone who is going into teacher training and intend to never face them ever again if it turns out that I have to stay behind at university for half a fucking year. I now registered in one advanced software engineering course to accomodate for the worst case, but barely managed to make myself join a homework group (I turned down the first two invites because I thought it would amount to betrayal joining when I'm hoping for the chance to drop out of the course this week already). Whenever I meet someone I know on campus, I pretend not to notice them and feel like I should just bury myself somewhere in the yard. I thought this was just the initial shock from last monday, but it lasts till today. The worries, the anxiety, the crippling thought that I don't deserve even the tiniest amount of carefree conversation, all because I'm just an irredeemable failure. And I am just deadly afraid that when the worst case happens (and I fear that it will), then this feeling will continue for the next half a year and completely cripple everything positive that I might achieve with involuntarily extended study time...

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My not-sure-what-to-call-them (I guess girlfriends?) are so fucking messy.  SO FUCKING MESSY.   I lived with new girlfriends for nearly two weeks then had to take a quick trip to help a sibling.  Within a day of being away I realized how incredibly stressed I had been living in the mess and constantly picking up other people's shit.  I'm probably on the more obsessive end of the spectrum when it comes to a clean and tidy home so I usually expect that I'll be having to do more than my share of cleaning just to calm my anxiety about it.  This situation is just well above doing more than my share.  It's like being either a full time housekeeper or else slowly dying of the agony of having to live within the mess.  I mean, why not pick up your clothes from the shared bathroom floor and put them in the fucking basket??????

Yes, I know I should just talk to them about it.  I did a bit, but I didn't convey well how serious I felt this was.  Now that I feel the stress leave my body, I realize that it's way serious.  Maybe it's one of those things that will just go away over time as we all get used to living together and can adjust our expectations.  I wonder if maybe I need to speak to a therapist specifically about the anxiety I feel about messes and how much stress it causes me.  Or the most depressing thought of all, that this is something that can't be overcome and this awesome wonderful relationship is going to fizzle out completely.

Oh, and my SAD is kicking into high gear already and is made worse from being at a higher latitude where the days become so fucking short and it's cold and grey and miserable.

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4 hours ago, Dr. Pepper said:

My not-sure-what-to-call-them (I guess girlfriends?) are so fucking messy.  SO FUCKING MESSY.   I lived with new girlfriends for nearly two weeks then had to take a quick trip to help a sibling.  Within a day of being away I realized how incredibly stressed I had been living in the mess and constantly picking up other people's shit.  I'm probably on the more obsessive end of the spectrum when it comes to a clean and tidy home so I usually expect that I'll be having to do more than my share of cleaning just to calm my anxiety about it.  This situation is just well above doing more than my share.  It's like being either a full time housekeeper or else slowly dying of the agony of having to live within the mess.  I mean, why not pick up your clothes from the shared bathroom floor and put them in the fucking basket??????

Yes, I know I should just talk to them about it.  I did a bit, but I didn't convey well how serious I felt this was.  Now that I feel the stress leave my body, I realize that it's way serious.  Maybe it's one of those things that will just go away over time as we all get used to living together and can adjust our expectations.  I wonder if maybe I need to speak to a therapist specifically about the anxiety I feel about messes and how much stress it causes me.  Or the most depressing thought of all, that this is something that can't be overcome and this awesome wonderful relationship is going to fizzle out completely.

Oh, and my SAD is kicking into high gear already and is made worse from being at a higher latitude where the days become so fucking short and it's cold and grey and miserable.

You can borrow my cat.  She will pee on ANY clothing item left on the floor.  Took three weeks to train me to pick up my clothes from the floor, BUT IT WORKED.  Now she only pees in her cat bathroom.  Love you.

:hugs:

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10 hours ago, Dr. Pepper said:

My not-sure-what-to-call-them (I guess girlfriends?) are so fucking messy.  SO FUCKING MESSY.   I lived with new girlfriends for nearly two weeks then had to take a quick trip to help a sibling.  Within a day of being away I realized how incredibly stressed I had been living in the mess and constantly picking up other people's shit.  I'm probably on the more obsessive end of the spectrum when it comes to a clean and tidy home so I usually expect that I'll be having to do more than my share of cleaning just to calm my anxiety about it.  This situation is just well above doing more than my share.  It's like being either a full time housekeeper or else slowly dying of the agony of having to live within the mess.  I mean, why not pick up your clothes from the shared bathroom floor and put them in the fucking basket??????

Yes, I know I should just talk to them about it.  I did a bit, but I didn't convey well how serious I felt this was.  Now that I feel the stress leave my body, I realize that it's way serious.  Maybe it's one of those things that will just go away over time as we all get used to living together and can adjust our expectations.  I wonder if maybe I need to speak to a therapist specifically about the anxiety I feel about messes and how much stress it causes me.  Or the most depressing thought of all, that this is something that can't be overcome and this awesome wonderful relationship is going to fizzle out completely.

Oh, and my SAD is kicking into high gear already and is made worse from being at a higher latitude where the days become so fucking short and it's cold and grey and miserable.

Definitely speak to your therapist about the cleanliness issue, that's what therapy is for. Do what you have to do to nip this in the bud. I'll be rooting for you. 

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I think the vyvanse is causing me headaches been having bad ones daily for a a while.

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On 10/30/2017 at 3:38 PM, Toth said:

And I am summarizing all this because this bout of stupidity is utterly wrecking me. I cannot face anyone at all. I've cut all ties, completely broken any contact with everyone who is going into teacher training and intend to never face them ever again if it turns out that I have to stay behind at university for half a fucking year. 

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Please try to find a counselor with whom you can talk, because your response to this stressor is completely out of proportion to the situation. Shit, I took an extra year at university and I still managed to not be a failure. Good luck.

Edited by Xray the Enforcer

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