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HelenaExMachina

Mental Wellbeing Thread

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On 10/30/2017 at 3:38 PM, Toth said:

And I am summarizing all this because this bout of stupidity is utterly wrecking me. I cannot face anyone at all. I've cut all ties, completely broken any contact with everyone who is going into teacher training and intend to never face them ever again if it turns out that I have to stay behind at university for half a fucking year. 

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Please try to find a counselor with whom you can talk, because your response to this stressor is completely out of proportion to the situation. Shit, I took an extra year at university and I still managed to not be a failure. Good luck.

Edited by Xray the Enforcer

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8 hours ago, Xray the Enforcer said:

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Please try to find a counselor with whom you can talk, because your response to this stressor is completely out of proportion to the situation. Shit, I took an extra year at university and I still managed to not be a failure. Good luck.

Well, I know my go-to reaction can't be considered normal, I don't need a counselor to tell me this. But it is difficult to get rid of behavior learned from bad experiences. Having a history of people I called friends turning against me because my ostracized status became a bother to them, I have simply learned that people don't want to deal with people who have problems, no matter where they come from. That's why my go-to reaction to having a problem is completely avoiding any social contact until the problem is solved, so that the few people with whom I feel comfortable with get no reason to shun me instead.

What bothers me a bit however is that even though I managed to somewhat solve this problem (I only haven't gotten my Master degree yet because beaurocracy is so slow), I still haven't managed to resume contact. I guess I am already at a point past caring whether I just drift away or not...

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@Dr. Pepper  I spent half the evening last night thinking about how my girlfriend has been training me to be less messy during the workweek.  

Here's the stuff I was able to catch, I'm sure she's doing a lot more things that I don't catch.  

-Hamper anywhere I might drop clothes (bathroom and next to the bed)

-Key hooks / coat hangers near the front and back door that are comfortably placed so bag, keys, coat and binoculars can be stashed without even thinking about it.

-Throwing out all of my coffee cups except 3.

-I do ALL of the scrubbing type work.  Bathrooms, kitchen sink, vacuuming, mopping cleaning the fridge.  The "light chores" (vacuum / dust / bathrooms swiffer) get done once a week.  PERIOD.  Even if I'm tired.  Even if I have to work all weekend.  She spends all week picking up after me even though I'm getting better by changing my routine and consciously trying to get better, I often just don't "see" the mess I made while flying out the door.  Since she picks up for me the least I can do is ALL of the scrubbing and actually do it.  Not put it off, do it.

Maybe something like this could be worked out for your family?  So far it's kept my lovely and very domestic girlfriend from killing me.  However, if  I disappear from here, it's because she got fed up and I totally deserved it.  :P  I really hope something works out.

Oh, and seriously, if you've ever put on shoes and then realized 2 hours later, once your feet warmed them up, that a cat has peed in them, you'll NEVER leave stuff on the floor again.  Snack is my girlfriend's bad-cop enforcer.  Together they have me on a program with consequences.

Best of luck.   <3  I really hope you can resolve this.  Your family sounds wonderful in all other respects.

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Amazon is holding walk in events for on the spot job offers daily from 9 am to 1 pm from Monday thru Saturday. One of the job offers is for part time seasonal sortation associate. It doesn't require any prior work experience, it pays well, and it comes with benefits.  I feel like this may be opportunity to finally enter the work world, and hopefully come to terms with the regret I feel that I mentioned in this thread a while back.

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5 hours ago, KingintheNorth4 said:

Amazon is holding walk in events for on the spot job offers daily from 9 am to 1 pm from Monday thru Saturday. One of the job offers is for part time seasonal sortation associate. It doesn't require any prior work experience, it pays well, and it comes with benefits.  I feel like this may be opportunity to finally enter the work world, and hopefully come to terms with the regret I feel that I mentioned in this thread a while back.

Go for it :)

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On 11/15/2017 at 0:02 PM, Lily Valley said:

@Dr. Pepper  I spent half the evening last night thinking about how my girlfriend has been training me to be less messy during the workweek.  

Here's the stuff I was able to catch, I'm sure she's doing a lot more things that I don't catch.  

-Hamper anywhere I might drop clothes (bathroom and next to the bed)

-Key hooks / coat hangers near the front and back door that are comfortably placed so bag, keys, coat and binoculars can be stashed without even thinking about it.

-Throwing out all of my coffee cups except 3.

-I do ALL of the scrubbing type work.  Bathrooms, kitchen sink, vacuuming, mopping cleaning the fridge.  The "light chores" (vacuum / dust / bathrooms swiffer) get done once a week.  PERIOD.  Even if I'm tired.  Even if I have to work all weekend.  She spends all week picking up after me even though I'm getting better by changing my routine and consciously trying to get better, I often just don't "see" the mess I made while flying out the door.  Since she picks up for me the least I can do is ALL of the scrubbing and actually do it.  Not put it off, do it.

Maybe something like this could be worked out for your family?  So far it's kept my lovely and very domestic girlfriend from killing me.  However, if  I disappear from here, it's because she got fed up and I totally deserved it.  :P  I really hope something works out.

Oh, and seriously, if you've ever put on shoes and then realized 2 hours later, once your feet warmed them up, that a cat has peed in them, you'll NEVER leave stuff on the floor again.  Snack is my girlfriend's bad-cop enforcer.  Together they have me on a program with consequences.

Best of luck.   <3  I really hope you can resolve this.  Your family sounds wonderful in all other respects.

Excellent advice!  I like your girlfriend already.  

Came back from the trip and things were worse.  We actually have TONS of hampers.  One girlfriend does most of the washing just fine.  But then no one PUTS UP THE CLOTHES!  They just sit in hampers all around the house.  I went to put up clothes but all the drawers are a mess and stuffed full and don't get me started on closets.  *Shiver*  Worse, my car was a mess.  I don't get why one can't take the diaper bag inside each time, or toys or trash.  I might have accidentally screamed because it bothered me so much.  Ugh.  They are soooo soooo sooo messy and it's compounded by having three kids who aren't being taught how to clean up for themselves.  And the bathroom.  I won't even describe. How did I never realize how messy they were??

I've gone and invested in hooks and I've hung them in the appropriate places.  I got shoe racks.  I told them that they need to be on this because I'm literally going to start throwing up and pulling out my hair (yeah, I guess this clean thing is more compulsive than I thought).  I'm going to say no to the cat for now because they already have one and I'm allergic, but if it solves the issue, I'll take an asthma attack or two just for clean floors.  I'm setting up some other consequences for not doing basic housekeeping.  

And yeah, they are all wonderful otherwise.  :)  

On 11/14/2017 at 7:14 PM, KingintheNorth4 said:

Definitely speak to your therapist about the cleanliness issue, that's what therapy is for. Do what you have to do to nip this in the bud. I'll be rooting for you. 

Seeking out a new therapist now.  Having been the only adult for years in my household, I never had much cause to analyze this cleanliness issue because I got to decide how everything was.  I've spoken with people who know me well and have spent time in my home and they were very clear that I have a BIG ISSUE with this.  

Thanks for the advice!

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On 11/16/2017 at 6:37 AM, Theda Baratheon said:

Go for it :)

I was gonna go for it today, but due to some external factors and sitting down and really thinking about it, today wouldn't have been a good time to go. Thankfully, they'll be holding the walk in event at the mall until December 15, so I have some time.

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7 hours ago, KingintheNorth4 said:

I was gonna go for it today, but due to some external factors and sitting down and really thinking about it, today wouldn't have been a good time to go. Thankfully, they'll be holding the walk in event at the mall until December 15, so I have some time.

I'd try not to put it off too long lest it becomes a monstrous big thing in your head but fair play! Best of luck for when you do! :)

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This one is clearly on me.

It's 23:02 after two weeks of 12 hour, 6-day workweeks, and the first PhD application of the season is due in about 7 hours. The only chance I had to get a last, but important bit of feedback about specifically writing for American institutions, from a colleague who was out of the country, was yesterday evening.

Naturally this is the time I decided to have a fight with my semi-drunk mom. She's right. If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't matter if she was clattering dishes at 23:02.

Well, I already knew she thought I'm not so smart (less smart than her. If it was her she'd be done already, is the point) and my various PhD plans - whatever those are, she thought I was stressed out because had to submit that paper -'you know, that big paper, about the thing, that you couldn't finish' - (MA thesis, I think? Done a month ago, and a month early at that) - pretentious and silly. But hey, nothing like hearing it spelled out loud when the one bit you have left to do is fix the 'insufficiently enthusiastic' and un-American vibe your writing (apparently) still somehow carries.

There are only so many times I can write 'extremely excited' in a one-page document, y'all. The alliteration alone is killing me.

 

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I sort of wonder if I'm going through some type of life crisis.  I feel so...unsettled?  I don't know if that's the exact word I want to use, but I guess close enough.  I find I tend to be a bit nomadic by nature.  I love being in new places, but I also love being home.  I think I'm sort of looking for a place to dig in roots, but also scared of the idea of being settled in one place.  I'm in a location where the idea is to find a place to settle, but nothing appeals to me at all.  Maybe the idea of it, but definitely not the reality.  I start wondering how I could have possibly wanted to do this.  Then when I sit to think about where I might want to be instead of here, I'm just as baffled and uninterested.  It's strange, unsettling.  I'm only in my mid-30's but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm having some sort of super early mid life crisis.  Is this what it feels like?

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Anyone ever find themselves wondering if they have been incorrectly/inadequately diagnosed? I’ve been struggling lately and going through some stuff that made me question my diagnosis and wonder whether I was receiving the help I actually need. Though I understand there is a lot of overlap and high rates of comorbidity between various mental health issues. 

I know, I know, a professional is in a better position to diagnose me than I am myself. I’m probably just over analysing stuff as per usual.

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58 minutes ago, HelenaExMachina said:

Anyone ever find themselves wondering if they have been incorrectly/inadequately diagnosed? I’ve been struggling lately and going through some stuff that made me question my diagnosis and wonder whether I was receiving the help I actually need. Though I understand there is a lot of overlap and high rates of comorbidity between various mental health issues. 

I know, I know, a professional is in a better position to diagnose me than I am myself. I’m probably just over analysing stuff as per usual.

Yup.  Years ago I received a diagnosis and it felt right in the moment and the treatment for it helped get me through a crisis.  After that and as time went on, I became less certain the diagnosis was correct.  At the time I was doing well but started to feel myself struggle and long term treatment and maintenance for the diagnosis just seemed useless for my situation.  I sought out a different doctor and she got a more thorough history and really took her time and arrived at a different diagnosis.  It feels right.  More importantly, there are more effective ways to manage my health with this particular diagnosis because treatment is slightly different.

I say it probably doesn't hurt to have it further examined, especially if you feel that you've been inadequately treated.  

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7 hours ago, Dr. Pepper said:

Yup.  Years ago I received a diagnosis and it felt right in the moment and the treatment for it helped get me through a crisis.  After that and as time went on, I became less certain the diagnosis was correct.  At the time I was doing well but started to feel myself struggle and long term treatment and maintenance for the diagnosis just seemed useless for my situation.  I sought out a different doctor and she got a more thorough history and really took her time and arrived at a different diagnosis.  It feels right.  More importantly, there are more effective ways to manage my health with this particular diagnosis because treatment is slightly different.

I say it probably doesn't hurt to have it further examined, especially if you feel that you've been inadequately treated.  

Thanks for some input. I’m not sure of the best way to bring up my concerns though with my current therapist (who is actually really good, so I’m a bit reluctant to leave her in any case). Do you have any advice on that? Is it best to just be direct and tell her “I’m finding myself worried that I may be improperly diagnosed becaus xyz?”

its also pretty clear if you understand my particular circumstances that parts of my current treatment will have to remain in place. This is why I mentioned overlap/comorbidity/imprecision of diagnosis, because parts of how I am being treated are clearly necessary but I can’t help feel it’s not all relevant.

 

eta; just chiming in on your ‘mid-life crisis’ post. It could just be that you haven’t quite found the exact right place yet, or that your general disillusionment is tied with the current social and political landscape in the US. I’m in Part basing this on some of your other posts (might have been US politics, which I read but don’t participate in) where you mention your difficulties with rural communities and looking for somewhere with like-minded people (or at the very least people who don’t actively hate you for bigoted reasons). I can imagine this being hard to deal with and leading to a sense of dissatisfaction. I realise I’m not offering any advice here but just my idle thoughts on your struggles

Edited by HelenaExMachina

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On 12/18/2017 at 2:26 AM, HelenaExMachina said:

Thanks for some input. I’m not sure of the best way to bring up my concerns though with my current therapist (who is actually really good, so I’m a bit reluctant to leave her in any case). Do you have any advice on that? Is it best to just be direct and tell her “I’m finding myself worried that I may be improperly diagnosed becaus xyz?”

its also pretty clear if you understand my particular circumstances that parts of my current treatment will have to remain in place. This is why I mentioned overlap/comorbidity/imprecision of diagnosis, because parts of how I am being treated are clearly necessary but I can’t help feel it’s not all relevant.

Hmm, I'm not so sure on this.  In my situation I was no longer seeing the original therapist who had diagnosed me as I'd moved so I was able to start fresh with a new therapist.  I think it's probably best to be direct and have your list of reasons handy.  Maybe she'll reevaluate or maybe adjust treatment.  I'm also a big fan of the second opinion if it's possible.

Quote

eta; just chiming in on your ‘mid-life crisis’ post. It could just be that you haven’t quite found the exact right place yet, or that your general disillusionment is tied with the current social and political landscape in the US. I’m in Part basing this on some of your other posts (might have been US politics, which I read but don’t participate in) where you mention your difficulties with rural communities and looking for somewhere with like-minded people (or at the very least people who don’t actively hate you for bigoted reasons). I can imagine this being hard to deal with and leading to a sense of dissatisfaction. I realise I’m not offering any advice here but just my idle thoughts on your struggles

I think maybe you're right in that I haven't found my place.  I've taken some time away to really clear my head and think and it's occurring to me that I constantly fall in love with the idea of something or some place without really thinking about the long term realities of it.  So I'm always going from one thing to the next when what I really need to do is figure out how to fall in love with the reality rather than just the idea.  Not sure if that makes sense, it works in my head lol. 

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For a change I'm not gonna complain about my own issues, well outside of a certain sense of helplessness in how to be of the most use.

Here's what happened: Yesterday I sat down and made up plans how to address the issues of my most difficult students. It is my last month before I quit my job as a study lab tutor and yet I had gotten quite a number of new students at the moment. And as if to mirror the current global climate, I noticed that among them were as many cases of children with depression symptoms as I had never had before. In fact, before that in nearly 5 years of work there I only once dealt with a boy who was struck with depression, but now among only 26 students there are four cases. One of them deals with it the same way I usually do when life takes a shit on me: By throwing herself relentlessly into work until she collapses. At least there I can relate to with my own experiences and give some encouragement. It's the other three cases where I am extremely worried about.

Thing is, they just freeze up most of the time, are totally lethargic and not responsive at all. When I take my time to talk with them alone, I get barely anything out of them when it comes to what their issues are and how to build up their confidence. Okay, in one case I am fairly certain it's related to bullying, but since I am not a teacher at her school, I can't tackle the problem at its root. The two other cases however... I am at a total loss at what to do and end up fearing for their health. Except those attempts at talking about this with them themselves, I only informed the studio administration and hope it can be brought to the attention of the parents this way. I'm also thinking about asking the little sister of one of those cases to be a bit more attentive to her, but given how hostile they are to each other most of the time and how she herself has to deal a lot with her own attention disorder, I'm not sure that can't backfire.

Bloody hells... and here I thought the attention disorder cases are the worst challenges, but through stupporn try-and-error attempts I now have a set of personal agreements and self-study schedules I can use to reach out to those. It's certainly not enough to replace medication, but at least I don't have any trouble with them being uncooperative anymore at the moment. But now students that are trapped in a vicious cycle of total lethargy... there I feel totally unprepared. I'm not a therapist, but as a teacher I have to help in every way I can, and here I am a little iffed that during my studies this wasn't talked about AT ALL. There was endless preparation for how to work with students of migration background and one single hour in which attention disorders were mentioned as an issue (without giving any tips of how to deal with it whatsoever, only that it is troublesome -.-). Depression and other psychological problems were never even mentioned, now that I think about it. And it vexes me to no end...

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I have that weird feeling where I'm concerned that I'm not sad or depressed and because I'm not I think something must be wrong.

My triad relationship ended really abruptly.  The mess and the filth became too much, it was making me physically and mentally ill.  I decided to move out.  I take things literally and can be nothing other than honest and have a hard time figuring out when people aren't being literal or don't want honesty, so when they asked me to be honest about the reasons why, I told them simply that they were too mess and filthy for me but still felt our relationship could continue if we lived in separate housing.  It really was horrible, if I explained how filthy then you'd all understand.  But they didn't like that and took offense and we exchanged mean words and I thought fine, whatever I was starting to hate that location anyway.  Plus it was getting really cold and I honestly hate the cold.  So I started driving and driving and driving and ended up back to where I started years and years ago and I feel really ok with it.  More than ok, I feel like I never left and a certain sense of peace that I'm where I want to be.  Haven't felt any missing of my friends/girlfriends.  Haven't answered them or felt a desire to reach out in return.  I feel content with this decision.  But also wondering if maybe I'm numb because I had several big moves last year.  

I get really uncomfortable when I feel content.  It doesn't feel normal.  

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I'm now seeing a new doctor at my County's Community Health Center. The transition from the Summit Center to there was painless for the most part. After taking a year off, I'm back attending my local Junior College. I'm currently taking Sociology 101 and just finished my first major exam.

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I have had some issues for the past couple years, on the surface stemming from some chronic pain I began experiencing a little over 2 years ago. Hands and feet feel sensations of pain / excess warmth. After tons of tests, I was sent to a neurologist who told me that I didn't have neuropathy (damage to peripheral nerves), just an excess of stress ultimately screwing up my nervous relay system -- my parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems are out of wack and I need rest / less stress to eventually fix the issue.

So, I've been working at it. Limiting diet to healthy foods to not overstimulate system. Haven't quite got there with caffeine yet -- it's hard as a teacher to work with middle school kids all day long without an occasional boost (or 3), but I'm working at it. Deep diaphragm breathing has really helped to mitigate the pain when it flares, and to calm myself down. I had massive, massive anxiety about this for a year and a half-- not sure what was screwed up with me--to the point of suicidal contemplation, the nerve irritation was so consistent and mentally affecting. I've managed to mostly get over that period (end of last summer), when my stress was at its worst.

The thing, though, is that through analyzing the various stresses in my life and bringing them down to manageable levels, I've realized my wife is one of my biggest stresses. She is verbally, psychologically, and occasionally physically abusive (when enraged she strikes out). We've been married for 10 years and have two children, and while I manage to intervene enough to keep her temper from going overboard on my daughter (7), it's still very painful and stressful when she shouts and begins badgering. There is little love and basically no intimacy in the relationship at all, from the conception of my son a little over two years ago; we are both exhausted from raising two children, juggling life stress, etc. Part of the reason it took me a year and a half to receive a diagnosis is that she is such a cheapskate she had us off insurance, and it took a year+ to get on my work insurance due to the enrollment process. Whenever I'd talk about the issues, she didn't want to hear about it, and complained about the money I did spend attempting to locate its source. This really affected my psychologically, and I've been dominated/abused to the point that I fear spending money due to the stress I have to deal with at home (buying a coffee could be the source of an argument, in the past, to give this some perspective).

At this point we are nearing my leaving our current area to move to a different place, where we can afford to buy a house. My dilemma is that part of me respects what she does to raise our children -- teaching them other language, how to play piano, general housemaker stuff -- and I don't want my children being raised in a broken home. On the other hand, the stress of living with an overly critical, at times abusive person has led me to experience chronic pain on a daily basis, and it's hard to imagine living with this person another year, much less 10 or 20. 

Not sure what to do. I've mostly tried to just focus on keeping myself healthy and deep breathing to mitigate anxiety & nerve pain. But certain decisions will have to be made at some point, and that point is approaching.

 

 

 

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11 hours ago, kuenjato said:

I have had some issues for the past couple years, on the surface stemming from some chronic pain I began experiencing a little over 2 years ago. Hands and feet feel sensations of pain / excess warmth. After tons of tests, I was sent to a neurologist who told me that I didn't have neuropathy (damage to peripheral nerves), just an excess of stress ultimately screwing up my nervous relay system -- my parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems are out of wack and I need rest / less stress to eventually fix the issue.

So, I've been working at it. Limiting diet to healthy foods to not overstimulate system. Haven't quite got there with caffeine yet -- it's hard as a teacher to work with middle school kids all day long without an occasional boost (or 3), but I'm working at it. Deep diaphragm breathing has really helped to mitigate the pain when it flares, and to calm myself down. I had massive, massive anxiety about this for a year and a half-- not sure what was screwed up with me--to the point of suicidal contemplation, the nerve irritation was so consistent and mentally affecting. I've managed to mostly get over that period (end of last summer), when my stress was at its worst.

The thing, though, is that through analyzing the various stresses in my life and bringing them down to manageable levels, I've realized my wife is one of my biggest stresses. She is verbally, psychologically, and occasionally physically abusive (when enraged she strikes out). We've been married for 10 years and have two children, and while I manage to intervene enough to keep her temper from going overboard on my daughter (7), it's still very painful and stressful when she shouts and begins badgering. There is little love and basically no intimacy in the relationship at all, from the conception of my son a little over two years ago; we are both exhausted from raising two children, juggling life stress, etc. Part of the reason it took me a year and a half to receive a diagnosis is that she is such a cheapskate she had us off insurance, and it took a year+ to get on my work insurance due to the enrollment process. Whenever I'd talk about the issues, she didn't want to hear about it, and complained about the money I did spend attempting to locate its source. This really affected my psychologically, and I've been dominated/abused to the point that I fear spending money due to the stress I have to deal with at home (buying a coffee could be the source of an argument, in the past, to give this some perspective).

At this point we are nearing my leaving our current area to move to a different place, where we can afford to buy a house. My dilemma is that part of me respects what she does to raise our children -- teaching them other language, how to play piano, general housemaker stuff -- and I don't want my children being raised in a broken home. On the other hand, the stress of living with an overly critical, at times abusive person has led me to experience chronic pain on a daily basis, and it's hard to imagine living with this person another year, much less 10 or 20. 

Not sure what to do. I've mostly tried to just focus on keeping myself healthy and deep breathing to mitigate anxiety & nerve pain. But certain decisions will have to be made at some point, and that point is approaching.

 

 

 

So sorry you are going through that.

It sounds to me, at the least, like you need to see a marriage counselor.  If your wife does not want to or does not see the need, you need to make her understand this is a necessity, with the stress and anxiety you are going through and with you pinpointing that to her, this is something that must happen.

If you find a good, reputable marriage counselor, it's a possibility that they could help open the communication between the both of you and make things better, make her see the stress she's causing while still seeing that respect you have for her and maybe there are some areas you are misunderstanding her that a therapist could help and maybe relieve things bothering her. From what you've said, I see no better way to hope for an improvement to your situation and your wife needs to understand that and that not doing it could lead to worse things for everyone and that no matter what the status quo can't hold for long without something breaking.

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I recently had to face some stuff because of some checks I had to go through for my new job. Basically I’ve been living in denial. I told myself I’d been getting better, that I was in a healthy place, that I had put on weight and was making progress. 

The bleak facts he doctor presented to me on the screen said otherwise.

and it just brought everything flooding back. The memories of a hospital bed, and a surly old lady pointing to the red zone saying ‘this is you’ and shouting at me to eat my porridge. And I just can’t believe I let myself do that again. The signs have been exactly the same, the self-deception, the secrecy, the lies, the obsessive routines, all of it. And I ignored the warnings, and now here I am again, as though the last decade of progress never happened.

Oh, and also, in case it wasn’t obvious already, I failed the checks. So goodbye yellow brick road, no new career for me

 

(eta: I’ve had some time since I found all of this out to calm down by the way. On the day I was, erm, distraught may be an understatement. Wandering round Newcastle city centre was unpleasant with a red puffy face and I broke down in tears in three separate coffee shops much to my shame. Actually considering the North East’s reputation for having so,e of the friendliest people (which usually I agree with) not one person approached me and said “you ok?”

Edited by HelenaExMachina

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