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Lady Fevre Dream

[Spoilers] Rant and Rave Without Repercussion

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18 hours ago, tormond said:

He not only killed annoying characters, he replaced them cause he himself is an annoyance. The character attempt to be an uncarrying boastful badass comes off as an attention seeker annoyer

Agreed. There is no way I could ever view Euron as a seriously menacing villain. He is more like Rafi from The League or Stiffler from American Pie. Just an irritating "who tf invited this douchebag to the party" character. Which works fine in a bawdy comedy/sitcom setting but feels incredibly out of place in a supposedly serious drama.

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Oh yeah, given my last rant wasn't a proper rant, rather just a punt at how 'boatsex' is likely going to be a recurring phenomenon, I'm now going to have an actual rant about this last episode, and the season as a whole. My apologies if others have already covered multiple points.

Overall: I'm getting rather sick of D & D's flat-out contempt for their critics and book readers. From 'themes are for eighth-grade book reports' to 'creatively it made sense to us because we wanted it to happen', it's plain for all to see that they neither understand nor care about what the book-reading critics are so annoyed by. It's not as simple as making a SHOCKING™ moment from the books show on the screen, it's about preserving the build-up, sticking to the theme, and even the bare basics, like making the context make sense at all.

But D & D don't understand this. To them, Arya teleporting to the Riverlands to kill Black Walder and Lothar Frey and bake them into a pie to feed Lord Walder is just as powerful as Wyman Manderly, a Northern Lord that, funnily, doesn't have amnesia in the books, doing a frankly abhorrent act as revenge-by-proxy to Freys that are already high-strung in the atomic bomb that is aDwD's Winterfell. Because, according to D & D, the best way to make the scene SHOCKING™ and thus more DRAMATICALLY SATISFYING™ is by first, breaking all forms of logic (so it's unexpected, you see), secondly, by involving actors characters you favour as the preferred executioner instead of, you know, subverting the 'protagonist' formula like GRRM did, and thirdly, by glorifying violence and all that DRAMATICALLY SATISFYING™ revenge because a character we're supposed to root for does it and the victims are arseholes, even if they've barely been characterised, but trust me, they're part of an arsehole group, which means they're automatically arseholes.

So they go and involve SHOCKING™ moments from the books with no rhyme, reason or context, change the overall tone and consequences, and then say 'ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, BOOK READERS? WE DID THE SCENE YOU ALL WANTED, AREN'T YOU SATISFIED?' Actually, no. We're not. Hell, I'd be satisfied if you strayed farther from the books, but at least could write a story that didn't hinge on cheap twists, plot-armour-laden protagonists and antagonists, artificially prolonging fatigued arcs to preserve their SHOCKING™ conclusions for the season finale, and looking up to Michael-bloody-Bay as a paragon for how to write compelling drama.

Now, let's cover the main 'arcs' this season:

Todd Snow and Daedpan's ROMANCE FOR THE AGES and POSSIBLE ALLIANCE????

The White Walkers' actual progress towards the South

St Tyrion the Flawless's plot armour and Varys's... unquestioning loyalty to Targs?

Maisie Williams Wolverine Mystique Arya Stark kills a bunch of people with funny hats, meets Ed Sheeran, but screw Hot Pie (Varys confirmed?)

Sam getting sick of the Citadel's shit (quite literally!)

Bran becomes Dr Branhattan and tells the world he's Three-Eyed-Ravenkin

Grey Worm and Missandei HAVE SEX GAIS!!!111!!!11!

Batfinger's scheming schemes to make the Stark girls hate each other because HE'S A SCHEMER REMEMBER?

Meme dream team's adventure beyond the wall!

Some leatherbound Jack Sparrow impersonator allying with a Romulan Queen because we need all the bad humans on one side

Lowgarden and Porne's disappearance into the same aether as the Stormlands and the Vale

So, where to start first, from all these tasty topics? Well, at the top, of course!

Todd Snow and Daedpan's nomance: I'm surprised anyone took this seriously. Okay, let's look at it from a political standpoint:

Jon Snow is, as far as Daenerys knows, a Night's Watch Deserter (WHAT VOWS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN JON HASN'T TOLD EVERYONE HE DIED AND USED SAID DEATH AS AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE THE WATCH BUT ONLY AFTER USING HIS AUTHORITY AS LORD COMMANDER TO GET REVENGE ON HIS KILLERS?) and bastard brother that has instilled himself as a rebel king of the north, as well as taking over the Northern seat of power over, say, his trueborn siblings (like, say, Sansa).

So honestly, it makes sense that she'd take him hostage and not trust him or his ramblings about the Army of the Dead (which he never bothers to elaborate on, by the way). So why, in the name of all that is holy, did Jon volunteer himself as said hostage immediately? Maybe he just had that 'protagonist sense' that told him that Daenerys was a good person and probably super hot and into scars. Seriously, what happened to the Jon who shrewdly navigated between Stannis and the wildlings' politics? Oh, wait, he never existed in the show, never mind.

Anyway, Jonno is on Dragonstone, and Davos, who's completely forgotten about all the trauma he'd witnessed and gone through on the island, is now Jon's chipper wisecracking bro. He exists only to be a dirty old man regarding Missandei, and tell Jon that he's totally got a thing for Daenerys, because Kit Harrington's acting isn't enough to tell. Nor, for that matter, are the abysmally cold, plot-point spewing dialogues masquerading as conversations they share.

Thankfully, on Daedpan's side, St Tyrion is there to tell her that Jon is giving her longing looks as well! Isn't it great when D & D treat the audience like goldfish to hide the fact they make George Lucas look competent at writing romance?

So, a romance blossoms through... scene after scene of Daedpan saying 'Bend the knee' and Todd saying 'But Army of the Dead'. Then Daedpan lets Todd mine some Dragonglass and show her some neat cave paintings. The sexual chemistry is rollicking, and so after Daenerys returns from attacking looters and raiders with looters and raiders, Jon pets her dragon, D & D say 'fuck Ghost he never existed', and of course, the window-licking audience D & D assumes they have leans forward into the screen and asks, 'But will they fuck?!!!!'

The answer is 'not yet', because while Daedpan trusts Todd, St Tyrion loves Carol so much that Daedpan isn't going to use her dragons to barbecue her, and instead, they want to be bezzies against the zombie army Alex Jones Todd has been rambling about. This means they need proof, and what better proof than a wight- what's that? Alliser Thorne was sent down with a wight hand in Season 2? Sorry, D & D can't hear you, as THE PLOT DEMANDS A BIG FIGHT NORTH OF THE WALL!

I'll cover the results of the Wight Hunt later on, but all you need to know is it cost Daedpan Uncharacterised Dragon #2, one of the creatures she raised as her own child, but fuck that, because a somehow-not-hypothermic Todd Snow is all hurt! Daedpan is sorry it all went wrong, and so's Todd. They exchange a few lines of dialogue that might charitably be called emotional, and go to Carol's Landing.

There, Todd gives his three-point seminar on killing wights, this one being suspiciously hardy, much like an early season wight, as opposed to the ones that die in scores to bands of seven, and Todd's excellent delivery (as well as complete disregard for diplomacy they're attempting to secure) gets Daedpan so hot and bothered that... boatsex. Seriously. They fuck up diplomatic negotiations after a dangerous mission that cost them a dragon, get duped by Carol Lannister, get on a boat together, and knock knock, it's Knuckles Todd Snow, ready to bone. You think there's going to be pre-coitus or post-coitus conversations? Or anything resembling chemistry? Come off it, that shit's for eighth-grade book reports, remember? All you need are two hot people boning. That's real DRAMATIC SATISFACTION™.

So, Jonerys fans who wanted this from the start, a question: Was this worth it, or anywhere near as satisfying as you imagined it to be? I imagine most of your answers will be a resounding no.

Team White Walker update: Easily the best part of the season. The White Walkers have finally managed to breach the Wall! Soon Weiseroff will be put out of its misery by the man, nay, the legend, Brandon Night King, First of His Name.

Aside from a few questionable leadership decisions, such as opting to showboat and hit a flying, distant dragon with his ice javelin instead of the stationary, human-carrying dragon right next to him, the Night King remains the most consistent and sympathetic character on the show, not ruining any of his character arcs with stupid dialogue, needless sex jokes, or diluting of his core motives.

Now, with Sapphiron Sindragosa Viserion and his undead army in tow, the Night King looks set to put an end to all these infuriating warm-bloods. And I for one am cheering him on, but I think D & D are gonna kill him off in Season 8.

St Tyrion the Flawless and Varys; the most moral men on the planet: So, Daedpan's campaign looks to be simple; teleport to a completely abandoned Dragonstone, pull down a tattered Stannis banner BECAUSE FUCK HIM AMIRITE, send your dragons to King's Landing, barbecue the Red Keep, and become queen while Olenna 'Be a Dragon' Tyrell and Ellaria 'Avenge Oberyn by killing his family' Sand bring the rest of the south to heel, leaving only the North and the Vale as unknown factors.

D & D know this won't last a season if the characters have their jetpacks well-fuelled, but thankfully ST TYRION is here to artificially lengthen the season and prolong Lena Headey's contract! Because he's a sensitive soul who's never used fire to horrifically kill enemy armies (FUCK STANNIS HE NEVER EXISTED HE WAS AN AMBITIOUS PRICK AMIRITE D & D?), Tyrion says they need to use Lowgarden and Porne's armies to take King's Landing, apparently without consulting the Tyrell bannermen as Randyll Tarly winds up siding with Carol, while the Unsullied take Casterly Rock, which I suppose Tyrion remembered existed.

Because he apparently invented the sewer system (merely being a competent manager is not enough for St Tyrion; he must be the greatest person to ever live), he knows all its secrets, including that it was used as a secret whore sneaking path, because Tyrion is a loveable rogue ladies' man who charms Volantene sex slaves with his kind words. Needless to say, Tyrion's kindness and flat-out stupidity ruins Daedpan's plans BECAUSE HONOUR GETS YOU KILLED REMEMBER NED STARK'S DEATH LOL THE WORLD IS SHIT AND YOU SHOULD FEEL SHIT.

Urine Greyjoy's teleporting fleet first ruins Ellaria 'Weak Men will never rule Dorne' Sand's ironborn trip to Porne, then traps the Unsullied in Casterly Rock on the other side of the continent. Meanwhile, Carol's respawning army that somehow isn't exhausted from that War of the Five Kings thing that happened in the first four seasons takes Lowgarden in a SHOCKING™ twist because... Tyrell men just can't fight, LOL. Well, except for when they're fighting Stannis, because FUCK STANNIS, AMIRITE? Otherwise they're gay cartoons or they exist only to die to Carol's armies offscreen.

So far, it would seem like Tyrion's ideas were needlessly convoluted and have only undermined a campaign that involves overcoming teleporting fleets, but no, it's just that BEING MORAL NEVER WORKS IN THIS SINFUL EARTH. So Daedpan acts EMPOWERED™ and shows that weak man how to do things: By burning men alive along with their loot train. Because it's not like food is a limited resource in a years-long winter.

This action, especially the burning of the men (because if you think D & D care about the burnt provisions, you're obviously in eighth grade), gets Tyrion and the Artist Formerly Known as Varys to give each other MEANINGFUL LOOKS. They have a private talk about how BADASS™ and EMPOWERED™ Daedpan is, and how they should both kiss her arse unto perpetuity, but not before having some token misgivings that will never yield actual consequences, because frankly, cause and effect is just another thing D & D think is for eighth-grade book reports.

And despite St Tyrion's big brother Larry falling into the Mariana Trench puddle in heavy armour, he prays to the plot gods and lo! He's given a sign that Larry is alive. He sends Bronn a text, and sets up a secret meeting in Carol's Landing with Larry. This doesn't get him killed, but it does allow for ZANY ANTICS™ to occur, such as Davos (who smuggled him in and mentioned Tyrion's role killing his son once, but doesn't linger because TYRION IS SAINTLY) offering guards viagra and Gendry returning from his three-year row (COMPLETE WITH HILARIOUS MEME WINKING) to bash their skulls in. Comedy gold.

After that, Tyrion only exists to hover around Daedpan, tell her Todd wants to bone her, and then proceeds to defy death by running after Carol when their wight negotiations go sour! Much like a discerning book reader watching the show, he begs for death repeatedly, but alas, Carol can sniff plot armour, and says 'Nay, Saint Tyrion, I shall not kill you today, for the plot demands it'.

Oh, and Varys doesn't do any spying or scheming, for some reason. It's not because D & D are struggling to work out such a complicated character's motives, or that they, you know, cut out an entire royal claimant he was backing from the show. Nothing like that.

Arya 'Wolverine' Stark's adventures (starring Ed Sheeran): Maisie Williams decides she's not sure whether to be a complete psycho or a redeemable young girl, but D & D thankfully have the perfect solution; she can be both! So she starts the season as Filch and kills a bunch of guys in hats that we're supposed to hate, or something.

Her weapon of choice? Poisoned Arbor Gold... that's clearly a red wine. Perhaps these strange hatted folk we're supposed to celebrate the deaths of deserved to die if they couldn't tell they were being bullshitted about the finest Arbor Gold being served to them? I'm going to assume D & D just really hate people that think wine's all the same to them.

After that, she spares the women and meets Ed Sheeran! Maisie Williams looks so happy to meet the ginger heartthrob, but unfortunately for her actual actors are in the scene as well. They're the Token Nice Lannister Soldiers™! Ed Sheeran sings Shape of You some song about hands of gold that would only make sense if it was sung five seasons ago and Maisie becomes a redeemable young girl because she's too busy lusting over Ed Sheeran to be a psycho.

Then she goes to the only inn in the Riverlands, which is perfectly autumnal despite there being a blizzard just to the south. There, she meets Hot Pie, who Maisie treats like shit because... D & D said she had to be a psycho in this scene. Then Hot Pie reveals that he apparently knows more about the Septsplosion than most of King's Landing, as well as knowing about Jon Snow's desertion of the Night's Watch, and how he got away with it to become King in the North!

Of course, my honeypot is this: You know how Varys was sitting around looking pretty and brown-nosing Daedpan while not doing anything resembling spywork? That's because he's not actually Varys, but a body double. The true Varys is Hot Pie, having seamlessly integrated into inn work by browning the butter in his pie crust. He's also the Prince that was Promised, because fuck it, it's better than anything D & D can do.

But instead of doing things an assassin would do, like subtly acquire information on how the hell Hot Pie the Spider knows all this, Maisie instead immediately regains her humanity and makes for the North! Then... she sees a CGI wolf. But not Ghost. Fuck Ghost, he exists only in eighth-grade book reports. No, it's Nymeria! Not petty Sand Fake Nymeria, the wolf, and Maisie begs Nym to come with her. Unfortunately, Nymeria says 'Sorry, Maisie, D & D really want a Wight Polar Bear, so I have to go. My planet needs me.' Then she leaves.

After that, her plot merges with Batfinger's, which shall be covered below.

Sam's time at the Shitadel: Sam, after marvelling at a beautifully-made set for five seconds last season, realises that learning to become a maester doesn't involve things like learning the intriguing lore of one's world or bettering oneself by hanging around some of the sharpest minds in Westeros. Nope. It involves cleaning shit all day. Because LUL REMEMBER GROSSOUTS IN SEASON ONE GROSSOUTS AND SEAN BEAN WERE THE BEST THINGS EVER BACK IN THE DAY AMIRITE?

When Sam asks Archmaester Whocares about, you know, actually learning important information that might aid the cause to save all of humanity, the Archmaester goes 'but D & D like shit. They're restraining themselves because they deleted the scene of Gilly giving you a Cleaveland Steamer. Respect their sacrifice.'

Sam says 'Fuck that' and reads some books telling him information he already knew, but because he learnt it from Stannis and FUCK HIM, AMIRITE, he forgot it and immediately informs Jon, somehow knowing to send the raven to Winterfell instead of Castle Black. Then he cleans some more shit, casually cures the plague while wiping pus on his lips so Ser Friendzone can be in the meme dream team with no dire consequences for Sambo, ignores Gilly's SILLY WIMMIN remarks on an annulment he'll later take credit for discovering, and says 'Fuck academia, I'm going to be a REAL MAN™'.

Never mind that in the books Sam's theme is that he's manly in his own little way, it's just not in combat or brute strength. Him developing unconventionally manly skills in the Citadel would fit the overall theme of his narrative, but y'know, fuck that. Themes are for eighth-grade book reports, after all. Instead, Sam learns to be a REAL MAN™ and heads north to Winterfell, endangering himself, his girlfriend, and his stepchild. Emmy-winning writing, folks.

Dr Branhattan's quest to become the best Exposition Fairy: Doctor Branhattan is dragged to the Wall by Meera Reed, who somehow outran the Army of the Dead. The one that doesn't sleep, has wide-reaching influence, and apparently has many wights capable of running. My honeypot is that Hodor used his last moments so well that he held the entire Army of the Dead off for ninety days, using his rad DJ skills. Alas, like any possibly interesting scene, this happened off-screen, because D & D hates anything that isn't Kit Harrington, Maisie Williams, Emilia Clarke or Lena Headey.

Dolorous Edd, the completely legitimate Lord Commander of the Night's Watch (you thought the Night's Watch had a vote, like in previous seasons and the books? Only if you're in eighth grade, silly), asks, quite understandably, who these two are. Bran doesn't answer the question, but he does speak in a vague, ominous tone. Fortunately, that's the password, and through they go.

Then they teleport to Winterfell, and Meera's a tad upset that Bran can only speak ominously and vaguely, as opposed to appreciating her for, well, the past four seasons. Bran says that because he's three-eyed-ravenkin, he like, doesn't adhere to regular human societal norms, and basically convinces her to go away because she's not a main character. It's not like she has a plot-significant father who knew about Jon's parentage. After all, as a living exposition machine, Bran has decided he's going to completely shaft Howland Reed's relevance to the plot, so D & D can save money on actors and leave plenty of money for CGI dragons. But not direwolves. They're for eighth-grade book reports.

After that, he just sort of chills in his anachronistic wheelchair, telling Sansa she looked beautiful when she was being raped, because the Three-Eyed-Raven was this openly an asshole too. He also gives Maisie Williams a knife Batfinger gave him and D & D winks at the audience in a show of subtlety akin to a jab in the eye with a pencil. Then he sits around as Sansa and Maisie Williams contemplate killing each other, because knowledge = complete apathy, you see, and then, the one time his exposition being on screen would be interesting, useful, and actually resolve things, he does it offscreen to preserve the SHOCKING™ twist that Batfinger dies this season!

From there, Sam goes into his room and tells him what nobody thought to tell him before; that no-one knows what the hell a three-eyed-raven is, and that he's taking credit for Gilly's exposition. It turns out... RHAEGAR AND LYANNA GOT MARRIED AND LURVED EACH UTHER!!!111!!! In the plot twist of the century, our mary sue hero, Todd Snow, was LEGITIMATE ALL ALONG AND IT'S SO CLEVUR AND DEEP! And Robert's Rebellion? Built on a lie! Forget that Lyanna's complete failure to communicate this love story to her family resulted in the needless deaths of Rickard and Brandon Stark, and Aerys demanding the heads of Ned Stark and Bobby B pushed Jon Arryn (WHAT THE FUCK IS AN ARRYN, LOL) to start the rebellion. All of that lore, despite being in HBO's own lore videos, only exists in eighth-grade book reports now. Such is the will of D & D.

Grey Worm and Missandei's bedroom antics: Because D & D are a little bit upset after being called sexists, they've been straying away from the 'tits' half of 'tits and dragons' that make the show at least tolerable. However, little do they know that not only are they continuing to be sexist by making all of their EMPOWERED™ women only strong via violence and murder, they're also making we appreciators of tits go a long way through a crap show for one pair of tits!

Thank you, Nathalie Emmanuel, for taking one for the team. Oh, right, there's a love story here too, I guess. It's more compelling and built-upon than Jonerys, so there's that. I guess.

Batfinger's search for a laddah: Littlefinger is a complicated character whose motives we might never truly figure out. Thankfully, Batfinger, his show counterpart, has none of this depth! Instead of being genuinely personable and manipulative in a way that utilises others' mistrust of him to his advantage, people simply automatically believe whatever bullshit Batfinger spews when the plot demands it and don't believe him when they need Sansa to save him or when they want Kit Harrington to choke him, or something. He makes long, grandiose monologues in an Irish accent, and revels in being a general creep.

However, even with D & D having butchered streamlined his complex personality, Batfinger was left without much of a purpose. So, what to do with CIA? Have him lean against the walls. And smirk. And lean against the walls some more. He'll tell Todd Snow that he wants to bang his sister, get surprised when Todd doesn't take kindly to it, watch him volunteer himself as a hostage, then lean against the wall and smirk a little bit more. Then... Dr Branhattan comes in. And Maisie Williams.

Suddenly, our servile schemer is trapped with an omniscient Stark boy (which he himself ascertains after he echoes his gratuitous speech), and so what does he do? If you said indirectly organises events in a way that kills Bran and makes it look like an accident, leaving the game-breaker out of the game, then continues to scheme and plot, you'd be wrong. Because giving your characters brains is for eighth grade book reports.

No, instead he plays a game of hide and seek with Maisie Williams, who D & D have told to act as the single most psychotic girl alive; she practices with live steel in the courtyard, much like Joffrey did in Season 1, leaves a bag of latex faces which might be meant to be actual faces lying around for Sansa to find, and threatens to flay the face of her sister because Batfinger teleported to Robb's old Riverlands camp to get Sansa's season one letter.

After Maisie Williams sufficiently demonstrates that D & D have decided she's a lunatic today, Batfinger tells Sansa that she should totes kill Maisie, and Sansa for one seems well up for it. It's only thanks to the offscreen intervention of Dr Branhattan that they figure out that the guy who's been skulking around, obviously up to no good, is in fact up to no good, and they kill him for his crimes without a proper trial.

His crimes are the following: Betraying Ned Stark's coup when he was in service of the Crown, an organisation against Ned's coup. He killed Lysa Arryn, even though Sansa was complicit with the coverup and the one noble in the room, Yohn Royce, would be able to corroborate this. Then, Sansa charges him with the murder of Jon Arryn, an accusation with no proof.

Of course, this conclusive evidence means that not one man steps in to defend Batfinger from the three apparently tyrannical young Starks, because the Starks are the GUD GAIS and because the audience knows that Batfinger was guilty of all these crimes, everyone in-universe knows it too, and so Batfinger's throat is slit and not one man bats an eye. Then Maisie Williams is told that she's allowed to be a redeemable young woman again, and the Starks are suddenly peachy; no lasting consequences for the casual death threats or anything. After all, interesting consequences are for eighth-grade book reports.

The Meme Dream Team's Not-good Very Bad Day: So, after the previously-mentioned ZANY ANTICS™ involving Davos referencing memes and hammering two corrupt men's skulls in for REAL MAN™ comedy, Gendry is recruited for the meme team. The Meme Team also involves Ser Friendzone and Todd at this point. But when they reach Eastwatch-by-the-sea, which seems to be a gate and a prison and not much else, Beardy the Wildling tells Todd that a bunch of brothers have been captured.

It's Colonel Sandor, Beric Dondarrion, and Thoros of Myr, who since the previous seasons, have been neatly butchered streamlined into being, respectively; the go-to sayer of the word cunt, the spouter of vague, almost philosophical things, and the drunkard. The Hound briefly replaced Colonel Sandor earlier in the season to reflect on his callousness and the effect it had on others in an inexplicable blizzard, but it's okay, because he suddenly got over his fear of fire to see... some mountain in the flames and become a born-again Lord of Light worshipper. Who says cunt a lot.

Anyway, Todd says 'D & D want us to form a meme team so can you please go on this suicidal mission beyond the wall', and Beric confirms Todd's desire to form a meme team, claiming the plot Lord of Light demands it. So they go out, Todd, Gendry, Ser Friendzone, Beardy, Colonel Sandor, Beric, Drunkard, and some red shirts, and some conversations that actually reference previous seasons come up! Todd Snow discussing Ser Friendzone and his father almost felt organic, but thankfully, D & D stopped that eighth-grade shit by having a DRAMATICALLY SATSIFYING™ fight scene! But only after the group send Gendry, the one man who skipped leg day entirely, to sprint back to Eastwatch to call on Rohan for aid.

Previously hard-to-kill wights become laughing stocks as a whole Army of the Dead the whole realm is supposed to be afraid of seems to struggle against seven named characters. This is because, in a poignant struggle against plot armour, the Night King tried his very best to restore Game of Thrones to its former glory. Unfortunately, D & D's CREATIVE SENSE™ was too powerful, so the Night King instead played by D & D's rules by doing the most illogical thing; parking his whole army around a frozen lake the heroes were standing on without thinking to use his ice powers to just freeze over the cracked parts of the lake.

From there? Gendry, having found a jetpack, reaches Eastwatch in record time, and tells the Maester to equip his raven with an adorable tiny jetpack, as he needs this call for aid to travel at the speed of plot. Thankfully, Daedpan has a hypersonic raven catcher, and responds by riding her supersonic dragons up to Eastwatch. Thoros dies of his wounds because D & D want to show that THURS NO PLOT ARMOUR SEE THE GUY OUR WINDOW-LICKING AUDIENCE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT DIED but the others are just peachy and once the dragons come, it's time to burn some ice zombies!

But hold the phone! Our hero, the Night King, has an ice javelin. His assistant whispers to him 'Hey, NK, betcha can't hit the white one flying around in the distance.' The Night King tells Puddles Jr that he'd much rather kill Drogon, the one that's stationary, right next to him, and currently ferrying off the protagonists, but when Puddles Jr pleads, he sighs, and says, 'Okay, but only because of your father's valiant death to Sam the Slayer. Not to mention, that dragon stinks of plot armour.'.

He aces the shot and the window-lickers lose their shit as Uncharacterised Dragon #2 crashes into the ice. The CGI dragons remaining put in more emotion at their brother's death than Kit Harrington and Emilia Clarke do over the entire season and the Night King goes for another shot, just to test the plot armour water. Yup, Drogon's not dying yet. It's not DRAMATICALLY SATISFYING™ yet.

Carol and some punk rocker somehow win a lost war: Carol Lannister recently blew up the vatican in a primarily catholic part of town, but apparently no-one really liked them since they were flanderised CREATIVELY ENHANCED™ into the Faith Taliban, that or they just didn't know and Hot Pie is secretly Varys.

Either way, it seems these people that threw shit and slut-shamed Carol adore her now, probably because of her rocking evil overlord getup! Even the Kingsguard wear black, because apparently dressing everyone and everything black is DEEP™. Not only is Carol adored, she's super adored. Randyl Tarly, former Tyrell bannerman, loves Carol so much that it only takes a mild talking-to by Larry to make him stab Olenna in the back because apparently blowing up the Vatican is just that cool. That or he just got the memo that all unsympathetic humans have to go on the same side now, because D & D demands it.

But it gets even better! Not only does everyone love Carol on the mainland, but Urine Greyjoy, some leather-wearing time-travelling punk rocker, wants to marry her! And he's even content to leave without confirmation of this marriage, as like Tarly, he's likely received the evil union memo. It turns out he's got a teleportation device as well as a time machine and he's going to use it to destroy Daenerys's navy, except when it's needed to go to Casterly Rock by the Unsullied, but that's okay, because he also teleports to deal with the respawned navy too!

Everyone loves Urine and Carol so much and, frankly, I don't blame them; they euthenised two butchered storylines, the Faith Taliban and the Sand Fakes. It doesn't even matter if Carol tortures Ellaria 'We kill little girls in Dorne after all' Sand for shits and gigs; unlike those bizarre hat-wearing fellows Maisie Williams killed, even a man with a brain could hate the woman that kills a man's family to avenge that same man.

Larry takes an army up to Lowgarden and with Randyl Tarly's army, they erase the Tyrell army from existence, and Olenna Tyrell, for all the effect she had on the plot, may as well have died in the Septsplosian too. It's not like the Tyrell army was one of the best-trained, threatening armies in the Kingdom. Renly wasn't going to use it to take over the kingdom. What even IS a Renly? I think it was something you have to learn in eighth grade, and fuck eighth grade.

Carol is so powerful now, with her respawning army and Urine's teleporting navy, that Daedpan has no choice but to beg for an armistice, and Lena Headey gets to renew her contract with HBO. This leads to the wight show and tell mentioned in Todd's part. And finally, we'll discuss...

Porne and Lowgarden's complete irrelevance: Aren't you glad D & D adapted Porne only to reduce it to a bunch of funny foreigners that are related to the actually-cool funny foreigner? Aren't you glad they wasted Alexander Siddig by killing him off and handing Doran's long game to a bunch of petty little girls, one of which has nice tits? Aren't you glad Olenna survived to swear revenge? Lowgarden was such a relevant part of the war. Carol really felt the consequences of her actions, right?

At this point, all one needs to know is a gay cartoon had a birthmark in the shape of Porne, and the gay cartoon, Nathalie Dormer and Diana Rigg came from some group that antagonised Carol, but it's okay, because they're all dead. Seriously, what was the point? Oh, wait, bashing WEAK MEN with EMPOWERMENT™ and selling T-shirts with BE A DRAGON on them.

Summary: Seriously, just recapping the season is enough to count as a rant. Look at this. It's pathetic.

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43 minutes ago, Beardy the Wildling said:

Oh yeah, given my last rant wasn't a proper rant, rather just a punt at how 'boatsex' is likely going to be a recurring phenomenon, I'm now going to have an actual rant about this last episode, and the season as a whole. My apologies if others have already covered multiple points.

Overall: I'm getting rather sick of D & D's flat-out contempt for their critics and book readers. From 'themes are for eighth-grade book reports' to 'creatively it made sense to us because we wanted it to happen', it's plain for all to see that they neither understand nor care about what the book-reading critics are so annoyed by. It's not as simple as making a SHOCKING™ moment from the books show on the screen, it's about preserving the build-up, sticking to the theme, and even the bare basics, like making the context make sense at all.

But D & D don't understand this. To them, Arya teleporting to the Riverlands to kill Black Walder and Lothar Frey and bake them into a pie to feed Lord Walder is just as powerful as Wyman Manderly, a Northern Lord that, funnily, doesn't have amnesia in the books, doing a frankly abhorrent act as revenge-by-proxy to Freys that are already high-strung in the atomic bomb that is aDwD's Winterfell. Because, according to D & D, the best way to make the scene SHOCKING™ and thus more DRAMATICALLY SATISFYING™ is by first, breaking all forms of logic (so it's unexpected, you see), secondly, by involving actors characters you favour as the preferred executioner instead of, you know, subverting the 'protagonist' formula like GRRM did, and thirdly, by glorifying violence and all that DRAMATICALLY SATISFYING™ revenge because a character we're supposed to root for does it and the victims are arseholes, even if they've barely been characterised, but trust me, they're part of an arsehole group, which means they're automatically arseholes.

So they go and involve SHOCKING™ moments from the books with no rhyme, reason or context, change the overall tone and consequences, and then say 'ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, BOOK READERS? WE DID THE SCENE YOU ALL WANTED, AREN'T YOU SATISFIED?' Actually, no. We're not. Hell, I'd be satisfied if you strayed farther from the books, but at least could write a story that didn't hinge on cheap twists, plot-armour-laden protagonists and antagonists, artificially prolonging fatigued arcs to preserve their SHOCKING™ conclusions for the season finale, and looking up to Michael-bloody-Bay as a paragon for how to write compelling drama.

Now, let's cover the main 'arcs' this season:

Todd Snow and Daedpan's ROMANCE FOR THE AGES and POSSIBLE ALLIANCE????

The White Walkers' actual progress towards the South

St Tyrion the Flawless's plot armour and Varys's... unquestioning loyalty to Targs?

Maisie Williams Wolverine Mystique Arya Stark kills a bunch of people with funny hats, meets Ed Sheeran, but screw Hot Pie (Varys confirmed?)

Sam getting sick of the Citadel's shit (quite literally!)

Bran becomes Dr Branhattan and tells the world he's Three-Eyed-Ravenkin

Grey Worm and Missandei HAVE SEX GAIS!!!111!!!11!

Batfinger's scheming schemes to make the Stark girls hate each other because HE'S A SCHEMER REMEMBER?

Meme dream team's adventure beyond the wall!

Some leatherbound Jack Sparrow impersonator allying with a Romulan Queen because we need all the bad humans on one side

Lowgarden and Porne's disappearance into the same aether as the Stormlands and the Vale

So, where to start first, from all these tasty topics? Well, at the top, of course!

Todd Snow and Daedpan's nomance: I'm surprised anyone took this seriously. Okay, let's look at it from a political standpoint:

Jon Snow is, as far as Daenerys knows, a Night's Watch Deserter (WHAT VOWS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN JON HASN'T TOLD EVERYONE HE DIED AND USED SAID DEATH AS AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE THE WATCH BUT ONLY AFTER USING HIS AUTHORITY AS LORD COMMANDER TO GET REVENGE ON HIS KILLERS?) and bastard brother that has instilled himself as a rebel king of the north, as well as taking over the Northern seat of power over, say, his trueborn siblings (like, say, Sansa).

So honestly, it makes sense that she'd take him hostage and not trust him or his ramblings about the Army of the Dead (which he never bothers to elaborate on, by the way). So why, in the name of all that is holy, did Jon volunteer himself as said hostage immediately? Maybe he just had that 'protagonist sense' that told him that Daenerys was a good person and probably super hot and into scars. Seriously, what happened to the Jon who shrewdly navigated between Stannis and the wildlings' politics? Oh, wait, he never existed in the show, never mind.

Anyway, Jonno is on Dragonstone, and Davos, who's completely forgotten about all the trauma he'd witnessed and gone through on the island, is now Jon's chipper wisecracking bro. He exists only to be a dirty old man regarding Missandei, and tell Jon that he's totally got a thing for Daenerys, because Kit Harrington's acting isn't enough to tell. Nor, for that matter, are the abysmally cold, plot-point spewing dialogues masquerading as conversations they share.

Thankfully, on Daedpan's side, St Tyrion is there to tell her that Jon is giving her longing looks as well! Isn't it great when D & D treat the audience like goldfish to hide the fact they make George Lucas look competent at writing romance?

So, a romance blossoms through... scene after scene of Daedpan saying 'Bend the knee' and Todd saying 'But Army of the Dead'. Then Daedpan lets Todd mine some Dragonglass and show her some neat cave paintings. The sexual chemistry is rollicking, and so after Daenerys returns from attacking looters and raiders with looters and raiders, Jon pets her dragon, D & D say 'fuck Ghost he never existed', and of course, the window-licking audience D & D assumes they have leans forward into the screen and asks, 'But will they fuck?!!!!'

The answer is 'not yet', because while Daedpan trusts Todd, St Tyrion loves Carol so much that Daedpan isn't going to use her dragons to barbecue her, and instead, they want to be bezzies against the zombie army Alex Jones Todd has been rambling about. This means they need proof, and what better proof than a wight- what's that? Alliser Thorne was sent down with a wight hand in Season 2? Sorry, D & D can't hear you, as THE PLOT DEMANDS A BIG FIGHT NORTH OF THE WALL!

I'll cover the results of the Wight Hunt later on, but all you need to know is it cost Daedpan Uncharacterised Dragon #2, one of the creatures she raised as her own child, but fuck that, because a somehow-not-hypothermic Todd Snow is all hurt! Daedpan is sorry it all went wrong, and so's Todd. They exchange a few lines of dialogue that might charitably be called emotional, and go to Carol's Landing.

There, Todd gives his three-point seminar on killing wights, this one being suspiciously hardy, much like an early season wight, as opposed to the ones that die in scores to bands of seven, and Todd's excellent delivery (as well as complete disregard for diplomacy they're attempting to secure) gets Daedpan so hot and bothered that... boatsex. Seriously. They fuck up diplomatic negotiations after a dangerous mission that cost them a dragon, get duped by Carol Lannister, get on a boat together, and knock knock, it's Knuckles Todd Snow, ready to bone. You think there's going to be pre-coitus or post-coitus conversations? Or anything resembling chemistry? Come off it, that shit's for eighth-grade book reports, remember? All you need are two hot people boning. That's real DRAMATIC SATISFACTION™.

So, Jonerys fans who wanted this from the start, a question: Was this worth it, or anywhere near as satisfying as you imagined it to be? I imagine most of your answers will be a resounding no.

Team White Walker update: Easily the best part of the season. The White Walkers have finally managed to breach the Wall! Soon Weiseroff will be put out of its misery by the man, nay, the legend, Brandon Night King, First of His Name.

Aside from a few questionable leadership decisions, such as opting to showboat and hit a flying, distant dragon with his ice javelin instead of the stationary, human-carrying dragon right next to him, the Night King remains the most consistent and sympathetic character on the show, not ruining any of his character arcs with stupid dialogue, needless sex jokes, or diluting of his core motives.

Now, with Sapphiron Sindragosa Viserion and his undead army in tow, the Night King looks set to put an end to all these infuriating warm-bloods. And I for one am cheering him on, but I think D & D are gonna kill him off in Season 8.

St Tyrion the Flawless and Varys; the most moral men on the planet: So, Daedpan's campaign looks to be simple; teleport to a completely abandoned Dragonstone, pull down a tattered Stannis banner BECAUSE FUCK HIM AMIRITE, send your dragons to King's Landing, barbecue the Red Keep, and become queen while Olenna 'Be a Dragon' Tyrell and Ellaria 'Avenge Oberyn by killing his family' Sand bring the rest of the south to heel, leaving only the North and the Vale as unknown factors.

D & D know this won't last a season if the characters have their jetpacks well-fuelled, but thankfully ST TYRION is here to artificially lengthen the season and prolong Lena Headey's contract! Because he's a sensitive soul who's never used fire to horrifically kill enemy armies (FUCK STANNIS HE NEVER EXISTED HE WAS AN AMBITIOUS PRICK AMIRITE D & D?), Tyrion says they need to use Lowgarden and Porne's armies to take King's Landing, apparently without consulting the Tyrell bannermen as Randyll Tarly winds up siding with Carol, while the Unsullied take Casterly Rock, which I suppose Tyrion remembered existed.

Because he apparently invented the sewer system (merely being a competent manager is not enough for St Tyrion; he must be the greatest person to ever live), he knows all its secrets, including that it was used as a secret whore sneaking path, because Tyrion is a loveable rogue lady's man who charms Volantene sex slaves with his kind words. Needless to say, Tyrion's kindness and flat-out stupidity ruins Daedpan's plans BECAUSE HONOUR GETS YOU KILLED REMEMBER NED STARK'S DEATH LOL THE WORLD IS SHIT AND YOU SHOULD FEEL SHIT.

Urine Greyjoy's teleporting fleet first ruins Ellaria 'Weak Men will never rule Dorne' Sand's ironborn trip to Porne, then traps the Unsullied in Casterly Rock on the other side of the continent. Meanwhile, Carol's respawning army that somehow isn't exhausted from that War of the Five Kings thing that happened in the first four seasons takes Lowgarden in a SHOCKING™ twist because... Tyrell men just can't fight, LOL. Well, except for when they're fighting Stannis, because FUCK STANNIS, AMIRITE? Otherwise they're gay cartoons or they exist only to die to Carol's armies offscreen.

So far, it would seem like Tyrion's ideas were needlessly convoluted and have only undermined a campaign that involves overcoming teleporting fleets, but no, it's just that BEING MORAL NEVER WORKS IN THIS SINFUL EARTH. So Daedpan acts EMPOWERED™ and shows that weak man how to do things: By burning men alive along with their loot train. Because it's not like food is a limited resource in a years-long winter.

This action, especially the burning of the men (because if you think D & D care about the burnt provisions, you're obviously in eighth grade), gets Tyrion and the Artist Formerly Known as Varys to give each other MEANINGFUL LOOKS. They have a private talk about how BADASS™ and EMPOWERED™ Daedpan is, and how they should both kiss her arse unto perpetuity, but not before having some token misgivings that will never yield actual consequences, because frankly, cause and effect is just another thing D & D think is for eighth-grade book reports.

And despite St Tyrion's big brother Larry falling into the Mariana Trench puddle in heavy armour, he prays to the plot gods and lo! He's given a sign that Larry is alive. He sends Bronn a text, and sets up a secret meeting in Carol's Landing with Larry. This doesn't get him killed, but it does allow for ZANY ANTICS™ to occur, such as Davos (who smuggled him in and mentioned Tyrion's role killing his son once, but doesn't linger because TYRION IS SAINTLY) offering guards viagra and Gendry returning from his three-year row (COMPLETE WITH HILARIOUS MEME WINKING) to bash their skulls in. Comedy gold.

After that, Tyrion only exists to hover around Daedpan, tell her Todd wants to bone her, and then proceeds to defy death by running after Carol when their wight negotiations go sour! Much like a discerning book reader watching the show, he begs for death repeatedly, but alas, Carol can sniff plot armour, and says 'Nay, Saint Tyrion, I shall not kill you today, for the plot demands it'.

Oh, and Varys doesn't do any spying or scheming, for some reason. It's not because D & D are struggling to work out such a complicated character's motives, or that they, you know, cut out an entire royal claimant he was backing from the show. Nothing like that.

Arya 'Wolverine' Stark's adventures (starring Ed Sheeran): Maisie Williams decides she's not sure whether to be a complete psycho or a redeemable young girl, but D & D thankfully have the perfect solution; she can be both! So she starts the season as Filch and kills a bunch of guys in hats that we're supposed to hate, or something.

Her weapon of choice? Poisoned Arbor Gold... that's clearly a red wine. Perhaps these strange hatted folk we're supposed to celebrate the deaths of deserved to die if they couldn't tell they were being bullshitted about the finest Arbor Gold being served to them? I'm going to assume D & D just really hate people that think wine's all the same to them.

After that, she spares the women and meets Ed Sheeran! Maisie Williams looks so happy to meet the ginger heartthrob, but unfortunately for her actual actors are in the scene as well. They're the Token Nice Lannister Soldiers™! Ed Sheeran sings Shape of You some song about hands of gold that would only make sense if it was sung five seasons ago and Maisie becomes a redeemable young girl because she's too busy lusting over Ed Sheeran to be a psycho.

Then she goes to the only inn in the Riverlands, which is perfectly autumnal despite there being a blizzard just to the south. There, she meets Hot Pie, who Maisie treats like shit because... D & D said she had to be a psycho in this scene. Then Hot Pie reveals that he apparently knows more about the Septsplosion than most of King's Landing, as well as knowing about Jon Snow's desertion of the Night's Watch, and how he got away with it to become King in the North!

Of course, my honeypot is this: You know how Varys was sitting around looking pretty and brown-nosing Daedpan while not doing anything resembling spywork? That's because he's not actually Varys, but a body double. The true Varys is Hot Pie, having seamlessly integrated into inn work by browning the butter in his pie crust. He's also the Prince that was Promised, because fuck it, it's better than anything D & D can do.

But instead of doing things an assassin would do, like subtly acquire information on how the hell Hot Pie the Spider knows all this, Maisie instead immediately regains her humanity and makes for the North! Then... she sees a CGI wolf. But not Ghost. Fuck Ghost, he exists only in eighth-grade book reports. No, it's Nymeria! Not petty Sand Fake Nymeria, the wolf, and Maisie begs Nym to come with her. Unfortunately, Nymeria says 'Sorry, Maisie, D & D really want a Wight Polar Bear, so I have to go. My planet needs me.' Then she leaves.

After that, her plot merges with Batfinger's, which shall be covered below.

Sam's time at the Shitadel: Sam, after marvelling at a beautifully-made set for five seconds last season, realises that learning to become a maester doesn't involve things like learning the intriguing lore of one's world or bettering oneself by hanging around some of the sharpest minds in Westeros. Nope. It involves cleaning shit all day. Because LUL REMEMBER GROSSOUTS IN SEASON ONE GROSSOUTS AND SEAN BEAN WERE THE BEST THINGS EVER BACK IN THE DAY AMIRITE?

When Sam asks Archmaester Whocares about, you know, actually learning important information that might aid the cause to save all of humanity, the Archmaester goes 'but D & D like shit. They're restraining themselves because they deleted the scene of Gilly giving you a Cleaveland Steamer. Respect their sacrifice.'

Sam says 'Fuck that' and reads some books telling him information he already knew, but because he learnt it from Stannis and FUCK HIM, AMIRITE, he forgot it and immediately informs Jon, somehow knowing to send the raven to Winterfell instead of Castle Black. Then he cleans some more shit, casually cures the plague while wiping pus on his lips so Ser Friendzone can be in the meme dream team with no dire consequences for Sambo, ignores Gilly's SILLY WIMMIN remarks on an annulment he'll later take credit for discovering, and says 'Fuck academia, I'm going to be a REAL MAN™'.

Never mind that in the books Sam's theme is that he's manly in his own little way, it's just not in combat or brute strength. Him developing unconventionally manly skills in the Citadel would fit the overall theme of his narrative, but y'know, fuck that. Themes are for eighth-grade book reports, after all. Instead, Sam learns to be a REAL MAN™ and heads north to Winterfell, endangering himself, his girlfriend, and his stepchild. Emmy-winning writing, folks.

Dr Branhattan's quest to become the best Exposition Fairy: Doctor Branhattan is dragged to the Wall by Meera Reed, who somehow outran the Army of the Dead. The one that doesn't sleep, has wide-reaching influence, and apparently has many wights capable of running. My honeypot is that Hodor used his last moments so well that he held the entire Army of the Dead off for ninety days, using his rad DJ skills. Alas, like any possibly interesting scene, this happened off-screen, because D & D hates anything that isn't Kit Harrington, Maisie Williams, Emilia Clarke or Lena Headey.

Dolorous Edd, the completely legitimate Lord Commander of the Night's Watch (you thought the Night's Watch had a vote, like in previous seasons and the books? Only if you're in eighth grade, silly), asks, quite understandably, who these two are. Bran doesn't answer the question, but he does speak in a vague, ominous tone. Fortunately, that's the password, and through they go.

Then they teleport to Winterfell, and Meera's a tad upset that Bran can only speak ominously and vaguely, as opposed to appreciating her for, well, the past four seasons. Bran says that because he's three-eyed-ravenkin, he like, doesn't adhere to regular human societal norms, and basically convinces her to go away because she's not a main character. It's not like she has a plot-significant father who knew about Jon's parentage. After all, as a living exposition machine, Bran has decided he's going to completely shaft Howland Reed's relevance to the plot, so D & D can save money on actors and leave plenty of money for CGI dragons. But not direwolves. They're for eighth-grade book reports.

After that, he just sort of chills in his anachronistic wheelchair, telling Sansa she looked beautiful when she was being raped, because the Three-Eyed-Raven was this openly an asshole too. He also gives Maisie Williams a knife Batfinger gave him and D & D winks at the audience in a show of subtlety akin to a jab in the eye with a pencil. Then he sits around as Sansa and Maisie Williams contemplate killing each other, because knowledge = complete apathy, you see, and then, the one time his exposition being on screen would be interesting, useful, and actually resolve things, he does it offscreen to preserve the SHOCKING™ twist that Batfinger dies this season!

From there, Sam goes into his room and tells him what nobody thought to tell him before; that no-one knows what the hell a three-eyed-raven is, and that he's taking credit for Gilly's exposition. It turns out... RHAEGAR AND LYANNA GOT MARRIED AND LURVED EACH UTHER!!!111!!! In the plot twist of the century, our mary sue hero, Todd Snow, was LEGITIMATE ALL ALONG AND IT'S SO CLEVUR AND DEEP! And Robert's Rebellion? Built on a lie! Forget that Lyanna's complete failure to communicate this love story to her family resulted in the needless deaths of Rickard and Brandon Stark, and Aerys demanding the heads of Ned Stark and Bobby B pushed Jon Arryn (WHAT THE FUCK IS AN ARRYN, LOL) to start the rebellion. All of that lore, despite being in HBO's own lore videos, only exists in eighth-grade book reports now. Such is the will of D & D.

Grey Worm and Missandei's bedroom antics: Because D & D are a little bit upset after being called sexists, they've been straying away from the 'tits' half of 'tits and dragons' that make the show at least tolerable. However, little do they know that not only are they continuing to be sexist by making all of their EMPOWERED™ women only strong via violence and murder, they're also making we appreciators of tits go a long way through a crap show for one pair of tits!

Thank you, Nathalie Emmanuel, for taking one for the team. Oh, right, there's a love story here too, I guess. It's more compelling and built-upon than Jonerys, so there's that. I guess.

Batfinger's search for a laddah: Littlefinger is a complicated character whose motives we might never truly figure out. Thankfully, Batfinger, his show counterpart, has none of this depth! Instead of being genuinely personable and manipulative in a way that utilises others' mistrust of him to his advantage, people simply automatically believe whatever bullshit Batfinger spews when the plot demands it and don't believe him when they need Sansa to save him or when they want Kit Harrington to choke him, or something. He makes long, grandiose monologues in an Irish accent, and revels in being a general creep.

However, even with D & D having butchered streamlined his complex personality, Batfinger was left without much of a purpose. So, what to do with CIA? Have him lean against the walls. And smirk. And lean against the walls some more. He'll tell Todd Snow that he wants to bang his sister, get surprised when Todd doesn't take kindly to it, watch him volunteer himself as a hostage, then lean against the wall and smirk a little bit more. Then... Dr Branhattan comes in. And Maisie Williams.

Suddenly, our servile schemer is trapped with an omniscient Stark boy (which he himself ascertains after he echoes his gratuitous speech), and so what does he do? If you said indirectly organises events in a way that kills Bran and makes it look like an accident, leaving the game-breaker out of the game, then continues to scheme and plot, you'd be wrong. Because giving your characters brains is for eighth grade book reports.

No, instead he plays a game of hide and seek with Maisie Williams, who D & D have told to act as the single most psychotic girl alive; she practices with live steel in the courtyard, much like Joffrey did in Season 1, leaves a bag of latex faces which might be meant to be actual faces lying around for Sansa to find, and threatens to flay the face of her sister because Batfinger teleported to Robb's old Riverlands camp to get Sansa's season one letter.

After Maisie Williams sufficiently demonstrates that D & D have decided she's a lunatic today, Batfinger tells Sansa that she should totes kill Maisie, and Sansa for one seems well up for it. It's only thanks to the offscreen intervention of Dr Branhattan that they figure out that the guy who's been skulking around, obviously up to no good, is in fact up to no good, and they kill him for his crimes without a proper trial.

His crimes are the following: Betraying Ned Stark's coup when he was in service of the Crown, an organisation against Ned's coup. He killed Lysa Arryn, even though Sansa was complicit with the coverup and the one noble in the room, Yohn Royce, would be able to corroborate this. Then, Sansa charges him with the murder of Jon Arryn, an accusation with no proof.

Of course, this conclusive evidence means that not one man steps in to defend Batfinger from the three apparently tyrannical young Starks, because the Starks are the GUD GAIS and because the audience knows that Batfinger was guilty of all these crimes, everyone in-universe knows it too, and so Batfinger's throat is slit and not one man bats an eye. Then Maisie Williams is told that she's allowed to be a redeemable young woman again, and the Starks are suddenly peachy; no lasting consequences for the casual death threats or anything. After all, interesting consequences are for eighth-grade book reports.

The Meme Dream Team's Not-good Very Bad Day: So, after the previously-mentioned ZANY ANTICS™ involving Davos referencing memes and hammering two corrupt men's skulls in for REAL MAN™ comedy, Gendry is recruited for the meme team. The Meme Team also involves Ser Friendzone and Todd at this point. But when they reach Eastwatch-by-the-sea, which seems to be a gate and a prison and not much else, Beardy the Wildling tells Todd that a bunch of brothers have been captured.

It's Colonel Sandor, Beric Dondarrion, and Thoros of Myr, who since the previous seasons, have been neatly butchered streamlined into being, respectively; the go-to sayer of the word cunt, the spouter of vague, almost philosophical things, and the drunkard. The Hound briefly replaced Colonel Sandor earlier in the season to reflect on his callousness and the effect it had on others in an inexplicable blizzard, but it's okay, because he suddenly got over his fear of fire to see... some mountain in the flames and become a born-again Lord of Light worshipper. Who says cunt a lot.

Anyway, Todd says 'D & D want us to form a meme team so can you please go on this suicidal mission beyond the wall', and Beric confirms Todd's desire to form a meme team, claiming the plot Lord of Light demands it. So they go out, Todd, Gendry, Ser Friendzone, Beardy, Colonel Sandor, Beric, Drunkard, and some red shirts, and some conversations that actually reference previous seasons come up! Todd Snow discussing Ser Friendzone and his father almost felt organic, but thankfully, D & D stopped that eighth-grade shit by having a DRAMATICALLY SATSIFYING™ fight scene! But only after the group send Gendry, the one man who skipped leg day entirely, to sprint back to Eastwatch to call on Rohan for aid.

Previously hard-to-kill wights become laughing stocks as a whole Army of the Dead the whole realm is supposed to be afraid of seems to struggle against seven named characters. This is because, in a poignant struggle against plot armour, the Night King tried his very best to restore Game of Thrones to its former glory. Unfortunately, D & D's CREATIVE SENSE™ was too powerful, so the Night King instead played by D & D's rules by doing the most illogical thing; parking his whole army around a frozen lake the heroes were standing on without thinking to use his ice powers to just freeze over the cracked parts of the lake.

From there? Gendry, having found a jetpack, reaches Eastwatch in record time, and tells the Maester to equip his raven with an adorable tiny jetpack, as he needs this call for aid to travel at the speed of plot. Thankfully, Daedpan has a hypersonic raven catcher, and responds by riding her supersonic dragons up to Eastwatch. Thoros dies of his wounds because D & D want to show that THURS NO PLOT ARMOUR SEE THE GUY OUR WINDOW-LICKING AUDIENCE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT DIED but the others are just peachy and once the dragons come, it's time to burn some ice zombies!

But hold the phone! Our hero, the Night King, has an ice javelin. His assistant whispers to him 'Hey, NK, betcha can't hit the white one flying around in the distance.' The Night King tells Puddles Jr that he'd much rather kill Drogon, the one that's stationary, right next to him, and currently ferrying off the protagonists, but when Puddles Jr pleads, he sighs, and says, 'Okay, but only because of your father's valiant death to Sam the Slayer. Not to mention, that dragon stinks of plot armour.'.

He aces the shot and the window-lickers lose their shit as Uncharacterised Dragon #2 crashes into the ice. The CGI dragons remaining put in more emotion at their brother's death than Kit Harrington and Emilia Clarke do over the entire season and the Night King goes for another shot, just to test the plot armour water. Yup, Drogon's not dying yet. It's not DRAMATICALLY SATISFYING™ yet.

Carol and some punk rocker somehow win a lost war: Carol Lannister recently blew up the vatican in a primarily catholic part of town, but apparently no-one really liked them since they were flanderised CREATIVELY ENHANCED™ into the Faith Taliban, that or they just didn't know and Hot Pie is secretly Varys.

Either way, it seems these people that threw shit and slut-shamed Carol adore her now, probably because of her rocking evil overlord getup! Even the Kingsguard wear black, because apparently dressing everyone and everything black is DEEP™. Not only is Carol adored, she's super adored. Randyl Tarly, former Tyrell bannerman, loves Carol so much that it only takes a mild talking-to by Larry to make him stab Olenna in the back because apparently blowing up the Vatican is just that cool. That or he just got the memo that all unsympathetic humans have to go on the same side now, because D & D demands it.

But it gets even better! Not only does everyone love Carol on the mainland, but Urine Greyjoy, some leather-wearing time-travelling punk rocker, wants to marry her! And he's even content to leave without confirmation of this marriage, as like Tarly, he's likely received the evil union memo. It turns out he's got a teleportation device as well as a time machine and he's going to use it to destroy Daenerys's navy, except when it's needed to go to Casterly Rock by the Unsullied, but that's okay, because he also teleports to deal with the respawned navy too!

Everyone loves Urine and Carol so much and, frankly, I don't blame them; they euthenised two butchered storylines, the Faith Taliban and the Sand Fakes. It doesn't even matter if Carol tortures Ellaria 'We kill little girls in Dorne after all' Sand for shits and gigs; unlike those bizarre hat-wearing fellows Maisie Williams killed, even a man with a brain could hate the woman that kills a man's family to avenge that same man.

Larry takes an army up to Lowgarden and with Randyl Tarly's army, they erase the Tyrell army from existence, and Olenna Tyrell, for all the effect she had on the plot, may as well have died in the Septsplosian too. It's not like the Tyrell army was one of the best-trained, threatening armies in the Kingdom. Renly wasn't going to use it to take over the kingdom. What even IS a Renly? I think it was something you have to learn in eighth grade, and fuck eighth grade.

Carol is so powerful now, with her respawning army and Urine's teleporting navy, that Daedpan has no choice but to beg for an armistice, and Lena Headey gets to renew her contract with HBO. This leads to the wight show and tell mentioned in Todd's part. And finally, we'll discuss...

Porne and Lowgarden's complete irrelevance: Aren't you glad D & D adapted Porne only to reduce it to a bunch of funny foreigners that are related to the actually-cool funny foreigner? Aren't you glad they wasted Alexander Siddig by killing him off and handing Doran's long game to a bunch of petty little girls, one of which has nice tits? Aren't you glad Olenna survived to swear revenge? Lowgarden was such a relevant part of the war. Carol really felt the consequences of her actions, right?

At this point, all one needs to know is a gay cartoon had a birthmark in the shape of Porne, and the gay cartoon, Nathalie Dormer and Diana Rigg came from some group that antagonised Carol, but it's okay, because they're all dead. Seriously, what was the point? Oh, wait, bashing WEAK MEN with EMPOWERMENT™ and selling T-shirts with BE A DRAGON on them.

Summary: Seriously, just recapping the season is enough to count as a rant. Look at this. It's pathetic.

Well ranted. :cheers:

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Amazing rant @Beardy the Wildling :bowdown:

Much more entertaining than the season itself. And hey, that's without the sensationalist use of tits & CGI dragons, and a mind blowing budget to back you up. :thumbsup:

2 hours ago, Beardy the Wildling said:

because FUCK STANNIS, AMIRITE?

2 hours ago, Beardy the Wildling said:

Themes are for eighth-grade book reports, after all.

I've a feeling that way back when they started filming Stannis' scenes, there was a conversation that went a little something like this:

Quote

Stephen Dillane: Hold on a second if you would, I've a question about this scene.

D#1: *rolls eyes* uggh, what is it Stephen?

SD: It's these lines for Stannis, they seem to be contradictory to the character I've been playing so far. And well, this whole scene, I don't know, thematically it's all over the place, it reminds me of a lesson from my grade eight creative writing class wherin....

D#2: Woah, Woah, OK Stephen, thank you for your input. One question of my own, was it you Stephen Dillane, or us Weiss and Benioff that GRRM entrusted to adapt his story for television?

SD: Well, it was....

D#2: That's right, it was us, we'll worry about the script, you just read the lines...OK.

D#1: Alright everyone, let's take five, clear the set.

D#2: pffffft, do you believe that? *snickering*  Characterization... Themes...what was he on about?

D#1: The gull of that guy. Fuck him, and fuck Stannis.

D#2: Damn strait, and you know what, fuck GRRM as well. We don't need to go by the books, we're much gooder at writing than him anyway....AMIRITE?

D#1: You're always right D#2. You. Are. Always. Right.

 

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Bravo @Beardy the Wildling

Marvellous ranting! :cheers:

 

This is an interesting video. I disagree with some of his comments (particularly saying Dorne was an isolated misstep in S5 and so not enough to derail everything, whereas for me everything was turning to shit at that point) but he articulates his thoughts and ideas extremely well.

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50 minutes ago, Beardy the Wildling said:

Lol, Revenant, the Stephen Dillane conversation was fucking classic. If that didn't happen, it's only because the true telling had more autofellatio.

LOL  That was great, as was your previous Rant.  Just wanted to thank for it.  :cheers:

 

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43 minutes ago, Dolorous Gabe said:

Bravo @Beardy the Wildling

Marvellous ranting! :cheers:

 

This is an interesting video. I disagree with some of his comments (particularly saying Dorne was an isolated misstep in S5 and so not enough to derail everything, whereas for me everything was turning to shit at that point) but he articulates his thoughts and ideas extremely well.

I'm starting to watch this one now, thank you.

That must be a computer generated voice doing the narration, right?  It must be, I've finally realized I've heard that same voice on others' videos.  Please, tell me I'm not crazy. 

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3 minutes ago, Lady Fevre Dream said:

I'm starting to watch this one now, thank you.

That must be a computer generated voice doing the narration, right?  It must be, I've finally realized I've heard that same voice on others' videos.  Please, tell me I'm not crazy. 

Hmm, that's possible. It does sound familiar. I thought computer generated voices reading sounded much jerkier than that though. I'm probably just not up to date with technology.

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5 minutes ago, Dolorous Gabe said:

Hmm, that's possible. It does sound familiar. I thought computer generated voices reading sounded much jerkier than that though. I'm probably just not up to date with technology.

LOL, I thought the same thing when it comes to the jerkiness of computer generated voices.  But, the weird thing is, I remember looking for that same jerkiness (or listening for it, HA) on a video with a voice that sounded just like this.  I do think perhaps the tech is getting better.  Plus, you can tell this person put good quality work into the video portion, perhaps they did with the audio in this manner as well.  It'll drive me crazy now, trying to figure it out. 

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8 minutes ago, Lady Fevre Dream said:

LOL, I thought the same thing when it comes to the jerkiness of computer generated voices.  But, the weird thing is, I remember looking for that same jerkiness (or listening for it, HA) on a video with a voice that sounded just like this.  I do think perhaps the tech is getting better.  Plus, you can tell this person put good quality work into the video portion, perhaps they did with the audio in this manner as well.  It'll drive me crazy now, trying to figure it out. 

One thing I do know is that a voice-over can come across very computer generated when the gaps between sentences are edited out, so you don't hear the natural breath being taken because the creator edited the video to be as short as possible.

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This guy brings up very good points. It really is like falling out of love with something, is the pain we're all going through.

I think the most egregious issue this year, my ranting aside, is the sheer lack of consequence for the characters who are played by the obviously-valuable actors.

'Creatively it made sense, because we wanted these characters to survive the season, regardless of their actions.'

That's how I feel D & D think like. I'm saddened to think I ever considered them halfway-decent at adaptation (even if I never liked, say, LOST).

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The one thing that really struck me with this season is that they needed Ser Barristan "The Muthafuggin' Bold" Selmy to die as without him Dany was forced to rely on Tyrion. Barristan would have told her to assault Kingslanding first as taking Casterly Rock is a Stupid decision. Barristan would have also added a level of legitimacy that her dragons just couldn't provide. Sure she has strength with her alliance with the Reach, Dorne, and some Greyjoys and large amount of infantry in the Unsullied and the largest contingent of calvary in the Dothraki but Cersie was able touse the make up of her forces to sway lords to join her side. 

Her hand is a convicted kingslayer, known kinslayer, and whore strangler. Ellaria and her brood are kinslayers and usurpers. No one likes the Ironborn and the same goes for Varys. The Unsullied are despised for being eunuchs and the Dothraki are bigger Murpillapers than the Ironborn. 

But the one person who no one could say anything bad about would have been Ser Barriston. He would have caused people to think about Dany in a new light. The man is damn near honor personified. Randall Tarley may have not have betrayed the Reach just because of Barristan being beside Dany.

Throw in aproper Queensguard as something se Dany needs along with the legitimacy Barristan would have provided.

D$D killing off Barristan so early was a detriment to Dany. She really needed the wisdom of Ser grandfather

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8 hours ago, Dolorous Gabe said:

Bravo @Beardy the Wildling

Marvellous ranting! :cheers:

 

This is an interesting video. I disagree with some of his comments (particularly saying Dorne was an isolated misstep in S5 and so not enough to derail everything, whereas for me everything was turning to shit at that point) but he articulates his thoughts and ideas extremely well.

I agree.  There was plenty not right before season 5, but 5 is the season where it started to hurtle downhill.  The Sansa Marriage Strike ("Avenge them!") obliterated so many excellent arcs in its wake: it laid waste to Theon's arc, the North remembers plot, Stannis's arc and even Jon and Arya got cobbled into that hot mess, and - worst of all - raised Ramsay to a ridiculous Villain Sue.  Doing a proper rendering of Roose Bolton/Frey/hooded man claustrophobia in WF, Wyman Manderly/Lady Dustin, etc., and Stannis's war plans would have kept the political intrigue and subtlety (Frey Pies should be subtle, not Arya pointing to fingers, FFS) that gave the show its initial fame. We should have seen Sansa being LF's 'apprentice' in the Vale rather than being led by the nose to be Ramsay's punch-bag for a reason that simply made no sense.  All this fed in to the ever-growing stupidity that was season 6 and the sheer nonsense of season 7.  They had plenty of material to have made a thrilling story from the books, but they wanted to put Sophie in Winterfell and have a cartoon Big-Bad - and everything suffered for that.

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On ‎06‎.‎09‎.‎2017 at 8:11 PM, Beardy the Wildling said:

Daedpan's campaign looks to be simple; teleport to a completely abandoned Dragonstone

Loved it!

But you were wrong in one detail (see above): Dragonstone was deserted - but for one vital creature:

You forgot the one raven trained to fly to Winterfell to deliver the invitation message to Pomade-Jesus™.

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I don't agree with Season Five as where it started to go downhill or crumble. Season Five was the show's nadir. There was no gradual decline. It simply fell off a cliff that year. 

Seasons Six and Seven were like another show. Stupider, but more entertaining than Season Five. I don't remember if the dialogue, characterizations, plot logistics, themes, etc. were better back then, and a shall never know, because I'll never rematch it. It wouldn't surprise me a bit to learn they were. But the show was so boring that season. And that's really the worst thing a tv show can be. Give me dumb over boring any day. 

I've tried to make out why I found Season Five so uniquely boring. It has to do with resenting the way they destroyed a once great show, perhaps. But my overall conclusion is that it was too obvious they were deliberately dragging their feet because they didn't know where to go with the story in the meantime before Dany came to Westeros and the White Walkers did something notable. Which meant even big, dumb action sequences were kinda boring, because they didn't push the plot forward, either. Sons of the Harpies Wrestlemania certainly was boring. Hardhome was by far the best episode of the season, but I was a little bored by it, too. 

Season Seven is the most nonsensical, dumb, Idiot Plotted, fan-servicey season ever. I can't fully enjoy any of the elements that are still decent, like CGI, action, and some of the performances, because it makes such little sense. But at least events have a momentum. The show is not jerking me around. That alone makes it better than Season Five. 

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2 hours ago, Greywater-Watch said:

Loved it!

But you were wrong in one detail (see above): Dragonstone was deserted - but for one vital creature:

You forgot the one raven trained to fly to Winterfell to deliver the invitation message to Pomade-Jesus™.

Damn, you're right! I think that same teleporting raven made the trip from Eastwatch to Dragonstone, and kept Carol and Urine informed on absolutely everything. He plays both sides, he knew to be in Dragonstone to unleash the depopulation bomb, he notified Daedpan and made her take her dragons to be stolen by the Night King. This raven, all along, has been the true enemy.

I think the show drained all of Batfinger's scheming, and put it in this little bird. Holy shit.

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