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Why does Ned and Catelyn’s marriage work?


Angel Eyes

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So compared to most of the arranged marriages throughout ASOIAF, why are Ned and Catelyn the happiest couple? How did it not devolve into mistreatment and bickering like Robert and Cersei, or murderous like Jon and Lysa?

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Perhaps because Robb was born already before they really got to know each other. We know they both really love their children. So they shared a common bond and love from the start through Robb. Had Catelyn not gotten pregnant on her wedding night and the only child in Winterfell at the start of their marriage was Jon, things might have been different. 

Also the fact that Ned built her a Sept when they first starting living together in Winterfell probably went a long way with Catelyn as well. Maybe it was a metaphor, Ned was willing to put in the time and effort to build their relationship like he built the Sept. And although they were in the North and Ned didn't follow they Seven, he was willing to compromise by having a southern place of worship for her.

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No money troubles.

Roles they were suited for and trained for and more or less expecting.

Both committed and no fooling around

Both goodevough looking and basically decent

Enjoyment of parenting.

Catelyn was expecting the more dashing Brandon, but he was dead. Ned may have yearned for Ashara, but it couldn’t come to pass.

Not only did they love their children and their positions, they liked running the Winterfell estate.

Divorce wasnt an option.

Cersei,Robert and Baelish not around

Happy  retainers of decent bosses

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6 hours ago, Angel Eyes said:

So compared to most of the arranged marriages throughout ASOIAF, why are Ned and Catelyn the happiest couple? How did it not devolve into mistreatment and bickering like Robert and Cersei, or murderous like Jon and Lysa?

The Author mostly. Respect in book. 

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Because they happen to be well-suited to one another.  Their personalities meshed well, they wound u liking each other, and they seem to have put effort into the marriage to make it work.  Plus they have five children, which in this case helps hold things together.

In all honesty, I would expect most marriages in a place like Westeros to be like that, where the two parties pretty much get along, especially if the parents do their due diligence and make a compatible match.  It is just that dysfunctional relationships are inherently more dramatic, so they get written about more often (or created out of whole cloth, in this case).

The marriages in the OP probably shouldn't have happened.  Robert and Cersei are absolutely toxic for one another, and they have made no attempt to make it work.  In fact, Cersei has actively sabotaged it.  I also think Jon Arryn and Lysa was doomed from the get-go as well, due to age differences and Lysa's emotional fragility.

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17 hours ago, Ylath's Snout said:

Tell that to every single Swedish crime novel ever written. The only thing more common than murder in those book are relationships on the rocks.

I'll confess I haven't read many Swedish crime novels, or crime novels of any nationality. Never been my thing.

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22 hours ago, HoodedCrow said:

No money troubles.

Roles they were suited for and trained for and more or less expecting.

Both committed and no fooling around

Both goodevough looking and basically decent

Enjoyment of parenting.

Catelyn was expecting the more dashing Brandon, but he was dead. Ned may have yearned for Ashara, but it couldn’t come to pass.

Not only did they love their children and their positions, they liked running the Winterfell estate.

Divorce wasnt an option.

Cersei,Robert and Baelish not around

Happy  retainers of decent bosses

I think your summation is the best one here, just want to add that it fit just right for the story George wanted to tell

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In the beginning there was three common factors, that held them together: both of them were honorable people, and they have accepted their marriage, because it was their duty; both of them were grieving after recently loosing people, that they loved (Cat - Brandon; Ned - Rickard, Brandon and Lyanna); they got married, and next time they saw each other, they already had a child.

Later, when the war ended, and they started to live together, they had to make their marriage work. Probably what helped them from then on, was the fact, that both of them were raised by loving parents. So they wanted to create a healthy environment, in which their own children will be growing up.

For example one of the reasons, why didn't worked Lysa's marriage with Jon Arryn, is because she had bad relationship with her father. He separated Lysa and man, that she loved, and tricked her into aborting her baby. Jon Arryn was close in age to Lysa's father, so she was projecting her ruined relationship with her father on her husband. Also he was too old for her, and was unattractive to her as a man, especially compared with young and enthusiastic Petyr, that tricked Lysa into believing, that he really loves her. So on Lysa's side, that marriage was hopelessly dysfunctional. And on Jon Arryn's side, that prior Lysa was already married twice, he wasn't motivated enough, to make their marriage work. There was too big age difference between them. They were on entirely different pages, and wanted different things from their life. His age was an obstacle for him, for winning over his young wife. And it's not only about sex. He was also too old for playing with her in romance and courtship games.

Similar problem was in Cersei's and Robert's marriage. Cersei's father always neglected and disrespected her. She was smarter than Jaime, but Tywin never acknowledged her as someone worthy. Just because she was a woman. He saw her solely as a tool for creating a favourable marriage alliance, and breeding children. Robert and Tywin had that thing in common. They both didn't had a high opinion about women. They only used them. So Cersei's marriage was also hopeless.

Unlike Lysa and Cersei, Cat won in a lottery. Her husband was young and attractive, same as she was. He wasn't a "serial cheater" like Robert. He didn't lied to Cat, unlike her father lied to Lysa. He did had a secret from her. But in the very beginning of their marriage, when they started to live together, he warned her not to ask about Jon's mother. That was the only hitch in their marriage. But aside from keeping from Cat, secret of Jon's real identity, Ned did tried hard to make their marriage work, and accomplished many things to make Cat happy. He was giving her what she wanted, he respected her, and made her his advisor and confidant. And on her part she also tried, and mostly succeded, in getting over him not being Brandon, and him having a bastard child. I think, that she has mostly forgiven Ned for his affair, and it was Jon whom she couldn't forgive. 

So there was two reasons, why their marriage was a success - 1. they had a good starting ground in the beginning of their marriage, and 2. they kept working on making it even better.

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6 hours ago, Lord Lannister said:

I'll confess I haven't read many Swedish crime novels, or crime novels of any nationality. Never been my thing.

That is perfectly fine it is just that every single main character of crime novels from Sweden are divorced or about to become divorced with two exceptions. ^^

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  • 5 weeks later...

Compared to Cersei and Robert, ANYTHING is a good relationship.

I'm going to err on the side of cynical and say this is plot convenience. Having parents that don't get would rub off on the kids, and I don't think, perhaps barring Jon and his mother-related issues, that GRRM wanted to go down that road. Especially for sweet, innocent characters like Sansa and Bran, who would be totally different if Ned and Cat hated each other.

To be honest, it does strike me as a bit odd that they got on. A lot of people have pointed out all the reasons their marriage works, but I could totally see it being undone by Jon, and the jealousy and distrust that created in Catelyn. Though I may be wrong and a marriage could in fact survive an alleged bastard child.

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