NFL Thread: "Terrell Owens does what?" edition

[IamMe90]

10 minutes ago, Jace, Basilissa said:

Tomlin is only a 'good' HC by dint of being in the AFC.

I don't think he has nearly the level of coaching acumen that people normal ascribe to him, but I also think he is a better coach than many NFC HCs. More importantly, he isn't terrible, and he has a huge assortment of assets (across a wide range of positions/parts of the game) that many teams in the NFC don't have. 

[unJon]

1 hour ago, Jace, Basilissa said:

Tomlin is only a 'good' HC by dint of being in the AFC.

Some of the worst clock management I’ve ever seen. 

[dbunting]

1 minute ago, unJon said:

Some of the worst clock management I’ve ever seen. 

Still think Morningwig winning the o.t. coin toss and electing to GIVE AWAY the possession because apparently the wind direction was more important, beats anything else.

[Nictarion]

I like how aggressive Tomlin is, but I don’t think he’s a particularly good HC. He should have more than one ring considering some of the teams he’s had. 

[Jace, Extat]

I guess you guys need to call me Sean Probst, 'cause I'm a big ol Space Troll.

I've searched my feelings, as any Jedi should, and I want the Colts to be terrible. And not 4-12 terrible either. All this optimism I've consumed makes the hate grow, like a coiled snake consuming the timid mice of hope. And now it has grown too large to stay inside. 

My perfect season will go thusly... Andrew Luck throws four INTs, reminiscent of his rookie debut, in the season opener. The defense gets blown off the ball in humiliating fashion while Joe Mixon beats on the LB's worse than that time he beat that woman.

Over the next week there are rumors, aggressively denied, that Luck's shoulder is really bummed. "It was always the plan to take three days off from throwing in practice!" The propagandist shills shout, after the dismal 23-48 attempts against the Bengals. They point to the admittedly impressive TD reception against the sideline by T.Y. Hilton as proof that Luck's arm remains viable, ignoring that the throw came early in the 2nd quarter before strain set in.

The whispers turn to carrying murmurs after a slightly less dismal 16-27 performance against a mediocre Washington defense, but non biased observers are horrified that no less than 10 of Luck's completions occurred within 2 yards of the LoS with passes further than 10 yards being all but erased from the playbook.

The optimists persist as Luck throws only once at practice ahead of Carson Wentz's return to action in Week 3. The result is a disaster. Luck throws 3 more INT's before halftime, seeming erratic in the face of a moderate pass rush. Jacoby Brissett takes over the offense coming out of the break, with Luck appearing on the sideline in street clothes late in the 3rd quarter.

Luck plays sporadically throughout the season before being put on IR to undergo surgery in week 13. The defense is a disaster of nightmarish proportions and approaches peak Saints levels of futility as the competent Jacoby Brissette struggles to a 3-13 season and the #1 pick.

This is my design.

[l2 0 5 5]

Tomlin is a good HC, but I won't go any further than that. Shitty clock mgmt as mentioned, and I think everything James Harrison said about him last week on FS1 is accurate. The guy is too much of a player's coach. I remember a couple years ago before the TD celebration liberation occurred, we would do some crazy shit when we scored which would always cost us 15 yards on the kickoff. Tomlin was asked every week if the players would be held accountable for the boneheadedness, where he would always say something like 'I don't subscribe to the endzone shenanigans, and the players will undoubtedly be held accountable for their malfeasons.' Next week pops up and they're doing the same thing, getting flagged every single time. I think he's all talk to the media and folds behind the scenes. 

As for Roethlisberger being a HoF'er, I think he has the main criteria to be in there. He has 2 SB rings and the stats to go with it. Over 51k yards and 329 Tds. To go with that, seems like the committee always loves when there's a marquis moment for the player. He has the TD throw to Santonio Holmes that they can show on the big screen a hundred times, plus he has the reputation of never going down at first contact, extending the play, and pulling something out of his ass. All those things combined, yes, he's in the HoF. Having said that, the guy throws so many boneheaded interceptions. Not Brett Favre level, but damn close. He's an asshole yes, and that will probably keep him off first ballot which I'm okay with. I agree that he's a deuchebag and a shitty human. In regards to his playing career, definitely a HoF'er. 

Biased, but I'm intrigued with the AFC North this year. Steelers window for a SB is still open. We have three of the most unlikable offensive players in the league. We have Big Drama Ben, who bitched about the Mason Rudloph pick in the third round when Ben's moaned about retiring for the last three seasons. How effing thick must you be to not understand the Steelers grabbing that dude there in the third rd? Only that self absorbed asshole could look at any pick that does not help the offense right now as a bad pick. This'll be a Favre to Rodgers transition in regards to animosity. Then we have Bell who wants to hold out, that's fine, get what you can in a role that has a shelf life, but damn do we have to do a mix tape every time we don't get what we want? Damn. And lastly, we have Mr. I wish I had more of a private life Antonio Brown, whom comes to camp in an effing helicopter. Look at me! Look at me!!!

Ravens will be Ravens and be competitive, plus we add Jackson to the mix with Mr heave it up and hope for a PI Joe Flacco. Should be a fun watch to see what they do this year. The Browns have some talent on paper but are most likely a couple years out from challenging for playoffs. The enigmatic Josh Gordon (somehow still on the team) is off at some retreat or something, and now there's talk of Dez coming to the team, whom currently has his verbal shotgun blazing right now on the Cowboys. Add the hype around Baker, and we have the most exciting Browns team in years, even if they're not going to do a whole lot on the field. Steelers v Browns week 1 will be fun. Lastly, the Bengals (What up, @Nictarion? ;)) Haven't followed them much this year, but have to think they have a chance to grab a WC spot. Dalton is good enough to get to the playoffs + Mixon in his second year, AJ Green (beast), a hopeful John Ross sophomore season and I think they can be OK. Of course, like in recent fashion, we have a Steelers/Bengals end of the year showdown in week 17. I love this rivalry. I really think it is, right now, the more heated rivalry. Sorry Ravens. I feel like rivalries change over time as players who add to the rivalry come and go. As of right now, Vontaze Burfict is fully responsible for this. I find it fun. I can't believe this sometimes soft-ass thread wanted one of the Steelers/Bengals to leave the division as it was too vicious. My god... I love this forum, don't get mad at me.... 

As for the most hyped team, clearly everyone is looking at the Rams next year, as am I. I feel like we've heard this song before though. Team does a good job in prior season, has a bountiful offseason, and is predicted to be a monster the following season. Eagles dream team? I don't know. Like I said, I'm all on board for the Rams, but can't help but feel a bit reluctant to pick them as NFC SB representatives. Gotta hope for another great Goff and Gurley season. Not outlandish, but all it takes is an injury to either of them and the season is in shambles. Plus they have the Donald holdout issue. Yeah, sign that dude.

[Jace, Extat]

Jace would weep if the Bengals and Steelers didn't get to brutalize each other twice a year. In my excuse for the lame asses about, I will posit that maybe they were decrying the lack of well played football? That playoff game was just awful.

[Nictarion]

27 minutes ago, Jace, Basilissa said:

Jace would weep if the Bengals and Steelers didn't get to brutalize each other twice a year. In my excuse for the lame asses about, I will posit that maybe they were decrying the lack of well played football? That playoff game was just awful.

Well tbf it rained for a good chunk of the game, and we had a backup QB playing. There was some good defense though. Vontaze Burfict was having a great game until he played his part in the meltdown. 

[Jace, Extat]

10 minutes ago, Nictarion said:

Well tbf it rained for a good chunk of the game, and we had a backup QB playing. There was some good defense though. Vontaze Burfict was having a great game until he played his part in the meltdown. 

Well that's the pity isn't it? I remember being impressed in the moment at the Bengals defense but that ending poisoned everything

[Jace, Extat]

My dreams become possible. The Colts have signed J'Marcus Webb.

[l2 0 5 5]

Chargers suffering the most preseason blows right now. Jason Verrett down with an achilles, following Hunter Henry tearing his ACL in May. That's brutal. This happens every year but I feel like the Chargers go through this more than others. 

Back to the Browns, I've had time to consider. This could be one of the funnest teams to talk about this year. We now get to add a QB RV to the preseason mix of storylines. What the hell goes on in there is beyond me. Baker and Tyrod just stare at each other? I hope so bad they pick up Dez. Could be some true fireworks. This has to make for a great Hard Knocks.

[dbunting]

Yeah that QB rv just sounds like a place for bad shit to happen. Likely though it's just the QB's sitting around playing board games to stay outta sight!

[briantw]

1 hour ago, l2 0 5 5 said:

Back to the Browns, I've had time to consider. This could be one of the funnest teams to talk about this year. We now get to add a QB RV to the preseason mix of storylines. What the hell goes on in there is beyond me. Baker and Tyrod just stare at each other? I hope so bad they pick up Dez. Could be some true fireworks. This has to make for a great Hard Knocks.

If they're not calling it Johnny Vanziel, they should start now.

[dbunting]

54 minutes ago, briantw said:

If they're not calling it Johnny Vanziel, they should start now.

Yeah it's just rookie hazing brought on by Drew Stanton. He learned it in Detroit when they made Mathew Stafford rent an rv for the QB's.

Maybe he can get a paycheck repping rv's now!

[Jace, Extat]

8 hours ago, dbunting said:

Yeah it's just rookie hazing brought on by Drew Stanton. He learned it in Detroit when they made Mathew Stafford rent an rv for the QB's.

Maybe he can get a paycheck repping rv's now!

He can't even get on the field in Canada

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

Sounds like the Vikings and Diggs have agreed to a five year, $70m deal that kicks in after this season. I’m good with that. Now we’ll have to see what happens with Barr as he’s the last of our elite young talents that we need to sign.

[Rockroi]

So, I've been out for a while (long story short: business has a lot of my attention and family stuff) but I wanted to give some of my thoughts on the Pats.

The End of the End: First, though, lets relive that magical time when the Pats lost a Superbowl.  For reasons still dramatically unclear, Bill Belichick benched his most dependable starter- DB Malcom Butler- in the Superbowl LI; Belichick said it was for "football reasons" while everyone else wondered what those football reasons could be considering the guy you benched 1) plays the hardest position on D and 2) played 98% of the Defensive plays for you during the season.  Its been many months later and we have absolutely no idea why (theories abound from BB being sick of Butler to Butler missing a team plane on purpose to a wild theory that has Butler getting benched for a quarter and then taking it out on one of the DB couches... who just also happens to be BB's son).  

Regardless, Butler didn't play, the Pats lose, Deadspin rejoices and we all pretended to like Phily for an afternoon.  It was glorious. 

Tom v. Time v. Belichick v. a Lot of Other Things: A few days after the loss, Brady sat down for the last installment of his ultra-pretentious "Tom v. Good Taste Time Series.  In it he says, after the loss, what everyone else was thinking "Bill Belichick is full of himself and his giant ego could not deal with a player acting up so he cost us a Superbowl" "What are we doing here?"  And that was basically the same exact thing as what I had crossed out.  Brady then opined that it was becoming harder and harder to focus on football with his family and other distractions (this is is wife - that's plenty of distraction).  But for the first time, Brady mentioned something other than football when looking towards next season.  Not a great sign. 

The Pats then stuck a knife into the Colts so the ONLY joy I have had over the last 6 months has been the suffering of Jim Irsay.  I'm a terrible person.  

Butler went to Tennessee and made some comments about Bill; Amendola went to Miami and made even more.  The Pats D is not improved enough to be excited for, which means again theya re one Donta-Hightower-injury away from losing in the AFC Championship game.  If they get that far.  

The media was obfuscated on every level, as usual, but one issue that the entire media agreed on was that Brady/Belichick/Kraft had not had a meeting since the end of the season so for 6 months all that bad blood has festered.  Brady skipped OTA's.  Gronk thought about holding out and then, dutifully, lied about it.  

The Shit, The Fan, and the Dumb Guru: The foundation of all of these hard feelings is Brady's really, really strange relationship with Alex Guerrero who is a complete quack; he has master’s degree in traditional Chinese medicine from a now defunct college.  Like you do.  

He said he’d conducted “clinical studies” of 200 patients who’d been diagnosed as terminally ill. They were suffering from ailments such as cancer, AIDS, multiple sclerosis, and Parkinson’s disease. And eight years later, all but eight had survived.  Turns out, no, none of that was true; Alex admitted the "study" never existed and he had made it all up.  The feds stepped in in June 2004, the government sued Guerrero; in October 2005, the FTC announced a settlement with Guerrero; he was to pay a $65,000 fine or hand over the title to his 2004 Cadillac Escalade. More important, the agency barred him from promoting Supreme Greens or “any substantially similar product” as an effective treatment, cure, or preventative for cancer, heart disease, diabetes, or any other disease. Spoiler alert: He did it again. Almost a decade later, the FTC discovered, Guerrero was hawking a new miracle product—a drink he claimed could prevent concussions. And this time, Guerrero would have a better pitchman than the “Dr. Guerrero” he’d played on television. He claimed to have Tom Brady—the greatest quarterback who ever lived, who by then was Guerrero’s new best friend.

He is an almost literal snake-oil salesman.  

This guy is now godfather to one of Brady's children and the biggest single influence on Brady.  I feel great about this.  

Oh, and then Julian Edleman cheated.  Now, a 4-game suspension would be bad enough but, guess where Edleman shoots up his steroids trains?  That's right, with Alex "Want to Buy a Watch" Guerrero!  So, its completely NATURAL (which would be the only natural thing about Alex) for the media to inquire... hmmm... Tom... 41-year-old freak of nature that is as great an outlier as Barry Bonds, Lance Armstrong and a Horse that can bench-press a Buick ... do you have any comment about the fact that the guy who we have video of rubbing you like a side of Ribs is also the guy who treats confirmed cheater Julian Edleman?  

So what does Brady do?  Runs away like a scared child of course!  He would not give any comment on an obviously important and perfectly reasonable question.  

Look, I think the VAST majority of things critics give Brady shit about are 1) overblown, 2) untrue, 3) sour grapes or 4) things other players do and nobody cares.  But not this.  No, see, we all only know about Alex "My Pee Can Cure Gout" Guerrero because of YOU, Tommy Boy!  You are the one who has him hand-fucking you calves in Tom v. My Sex Drive; you say you would do whatever he told you to... like take bovine steroids?  We need to know your thoughts on this issue.  Because YOU BROUGHT US THIS ISSUE!! Its well known that Edleman went to Alex "I almost Look Like A Doctor" Guerrero because of YOU!  Therefore, YOU should have to answer questions about this guy.

After all, its all but been conformed that its Alex "The FTC Has Me On Speed Dial" Guerrero is the cause of the rift between you and Belichick; that Belichick tossed the disgraced charlatan from the sidelines and facilities and that you wined about it to the point where the owner had to get involved.  So, why should you NOT answer a few questions about a guy who graduated from a college that no longer exists?  

And now that camp has started?  Brady looks rusty.  Oh, that's just great!  

I don't know if this is the end of the Pats but ... it has a lot of prerequisites to the end.  

 

[Jace, Extat]

This isn't the end. I think they're in the SB again.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

25 minutes ago, Jace, Basilissa said:

This isn't the end. I think they're in the SB again.

Nah, I wouldn’t bet on the Pats this year. Their roster isn’t very good, and the AFC has some pretty strong teams. So unless Brady can continue to defy father time, they’re a stretch to make it in my book.

Also, wouldn’t it be funny if possibly the two best QBs ever were juicers?     

[Jace, Extat]

Montana juiced?