Single parent advice?

[Centrist Simon Steele]

Hi everyone--I was just curious if you had any tips for a single American dad. My 13 year old lives with me full time, one hundred percent since last November. It's been tough. I'm in a PhD program and work full time, but I've made my schedule really work.

I'm wondering though, as my home continues to feel less clean over the months--and I know I just don't have the time to pick up the slack for him while he slowly, frustratingly slowly learns, if a nanny or something like that is still a feasible option at his age.

I've no other real support, to be honest, and I thought it might be good to have someone around as a go to, an emergency contact if something happened and I couldn't get there (I work outside of town). What do you think? A friend said, "Just get married," but I've been married once before, and my friend's suggestion seems like a recipe for another bad marriage. I'd rather not bring chores and responsibility into my potential romantic interests' lives.

Nannies? Babysitters? What do you guys think?

[The Mance]

Maybe the parents of a good friend of your son's?  Or a coach/teacher/mentor from school?  

Also, his school might be a good resource to reach out to as there may be a network of single parents in similar situations.   Be prepared for some serious side-eye as a single Dad reaching out to single Moms, though.  

[aceluby]

If you can afford it you could opt for a cleaning service every 2-3 weeks.  One of my bosses does that and absolutely loves it.  I think he spends like $200 a month on it.

[Vin]

I don't think that at this age a nanny is really appropriate because I don't think your son will react well to it . A nanny at his age will feel somewhat like a warden not a nurturing presence and he might resent you for imposing it on him . 

The thing I think would help is to casually sit down with your son and find out what some of his interests are and offer the option to invest his time in an activity like a school club or a local sports team ,or a musical instrument ...etc. something that engages him productively and gives him a sense of purpose and discipline(in the sense that it's regular and he has to show up on time and be well prepared and be responsible ). Don't leave him idle . I enjoyed a multitude of activities like book clubs , physics club , basketball and football teams , chess club , debate team ...etc. a part time job isn't a bad idea . I was never unemployed as a teenager . In essence what I'm trying to say is don't try to get someone to watch your kid , try to get your kid to grow and mature as a person faster he usually would have to because that's the reality of your and his situation now that you're a single parent household because statistically speaking single parent children are far far behind their two parent counterparts across all categories so be aware of that fact and try to give your son a leg up by preparing him for life earlier and try to trust him to grow and be responsible .

A small note on your romantic life and your friends advice : I agree that you shouldn't get married JUST because you need help , but I don't think it's realistic to expect your future romantic ventures to be predicated purely on romance . Your son and your position as a single parent will have to be a large part of any future serious relationship . It's tough and it narrows down the pool but that's the hand you were dealt . 

Hope this rant makes sense and is of some help to you . Good luck in your studies .

[Blue Roses]

Get an emergency contact.

Get a cleaner (lot cheaper than a divorce)

Set punishments if room is not kept tolerably clean ......like take away screens or access to games. The cleaner shouldn't have to wear a gas mask to access room.

Or ....if a cleaner is not a goer......make a routine time each week where you both clean together and its just part of the week. 

Or get a cute 16 year old girl to baby sit him.......and just embarrass him a lot. As a mother of teenage boys, embarrassment is often my only weapon in an unfair world. 

 

 

 

[Blue Roses]

Or cute teenage boy......sorry shouldn't assume. doh!

[HexMachina]

2 hours ago, Blue Roses said:

Get an emergency contact.

Get a cleaner (lot cheaper than a divorce)

Set punishments if room is not kept tolerably clean ......like take away screens or access to games. The cleaner shouldn't have to wear a gas mask to access room.

Or ....if a cleaner is not a goer......make a routine time each week where you both clean together and its just part of the week. 

Or get a cute 16 year old girl to baby sit him.......and just embarrass him a lot. As a mother of teenage boys, embarrassment is often my only weapon in an unfair world. 

 

 

 

Unless you have a huge house is a cleaner really necessary? Maybe it's just my own background but I'd never consider getting a cleaner for the house. We've always just kept it clean ourselves, with both parents working and me at school, then college+part time work. Actually i would say it's a good idea getting him involved in keeping the house clean and tidy himself, keeps him occupied and gets a good work ethic in him. I.e. if he doesn't clean up after himself nobody else is going to do it for him.

Not a parent, but young enough that it's not all that long ago since I was in your son's position, I'll chime in my thoughts. A nanny will feel like you are babying him, which likely won't go down well especially at the age he is. The terrors of puberty will only make this worse. I'd say in general he is at an age where you can expect him to be pretty independent, as long as you monitor him. So, for example if he is in the house alone, leave him a list of jobs that he needs to do (helping with your cleaning issue too) before he can spend time on recreation or whatever. Ask to see his school work from time to time, make sure you are available for him to talk to when you are in the house. Try and spend time together and do something together regularly to keep your relationship with him healthy and honest. You want to be sure he feels comfortable coming to you with any concerns or troubles, especially at that age. 

I'd also suggest, if/when you have time, ensuring he has basic skills in the kitchen. Make sure he can make a meal for himself if for whatever reason you are tied up and can't get home until late or whatever. My parents and grandparents started teaching me from about age five, but that's only because I showed interest when they cooked or baked. But I do think it's a skill you should make sure he knows. Even if he never needs it while he lives with you, it's good preparation for when he flies the nest.

I would definitely try and work on some kind of emergency contact, preferably someone who lives close by. You are correct not to just get married for the sake of an emergency contact/babysitter. I seriously hope that was just jokey advice otherwise your friend concerns me How are your neighbours? Anyone you could cultivate a relationship of trust with so that if your son ever needed anything while you were absent he could contact them? I seem to recall you posting in the past about difficult relationships with your family which would rule that out, if it was you that I'm thinking of. Other alternatives I can think of are the parents of your son's friends (obviously you want to get to know them). Ideally someone who your son feels comfortable with

[Isis]

Don't let anyone put you off getting a cleaner (if you decide that's what you need) just because someone says 'oh but why would you need...' 

I've seen this before with having grocery shopping delivered - people say 'oh but why would you need...'

Everyone's needs, priorities and goals are different. 

Some sensible advice has already been given - to develop your son's external interests, to reach out his school, and to work on increasing his responsibilities at home. Obviously you have to set good examples yourself, e.g. clearing all dirty dishes to the kitchen as soon as possible or putting on a wash as soon as there's enough dirty stuff to fill the machine. 

[Centrist Simon Steele]

A cleaner...hm, that might be worthwhile. I thought the emergency contact thing would be helpful (with a nanny), but I don't want to embarrass him. I don't know how I've gone so long without relationships that would give me actual emergency contacts, now that I think about it. I just don't like asking people I know for help.

I think my son's school has a parenting group. (Single parents most often) That may a good place to start.

I guess the nanny felt right because his emotional health is SO low. He's been abused, and he crumbles in the face of all adversity. When I say he has to do chores before privileges, he collapses for hours. With school and work, it's hard to deal with that fallout for hours. He's in counseling now, so maybe that will help too. 

I don't know. I wish there were better answers. I do set the example, by the way, I always have. It's just since the fallout with his mother, he's completely crumbled. 

[Vin]

Not to sound rude and I hope this doesn't come off badly but from your description of your son's situation it seems like you've got a much larger and more acute issue in that your son is not currently equipped or fit to be successful in society or even dealing with normal day to day stuff . Now of course he's young so that's also a factor .

At any rate , I think you should try to work more closely with a mental health expert and also try not wrap him up in bubble wrap . incremental voluntary exposure to what he's afraid of and can't handle would really help him eventually over come this I think and hope .

[mormont]

11 hours ago, Isis said:

Don't let anyone put you off getting a cleaner (if you decide that's what you need) just because someone says 'oh but why would you need...' 

I've seen this before with having grocery shopping delivered - people say 'oh but why would you need...'

Still a terrific piece of advice, by the way. Made my weekends much more enjoyable. Thank you.

5 hours ago, Simon Steele said:

A cleaner...hm, that might be worthwhile. I thought the emergency contact thing would be helpful (with a nanny), but I don't want to embarrass him.

My mother had a cleaner for years and she honestly became like part of the family. Bought me a mug tree when I went away to university. I still have one of the mugs nearly thirty years later. It was never her job to be a nanny or babysitter for us, but it was another adult around the house, which can be beneficial for a child in these situations.

5 hours ago, Simon Steele said:

I guess the nanny felt right because his emotional health is SO low. He's been abused, and he crumbles in the face of all adversity. When I say he has to do chores before privileges, he collapses for hours. With school and work, it's hard to deal with that fallout for hours. He's in counseling now, so maybe that will help too. 

I don't know. I wish there were better answers. I do set the example, by the way, I always have. It's just since the fallout with his mother, he's completely crumbled. 

My initial reaction to this thread was 'it depends on the child' and this illustrates why. If the kid doesn't have any emotional resilience just now, then you have to take that into account. Taking a hard line on chores, for example, might not be the best thing as it could lead to him feeling resentful. Similarly, the 'don't leave him idle' advice is generally good, but he may also need some alone time to process stuff, if he's going through some hard emotional times. And adapting to a new social group like a sports team might suck up emotional energy he needs just to cope with daily life.

So the best thing is to talk to him, or keep talking to him, as I'm sure you already are. Put some of these ideas to him, make him feel involved and consulted and supported. Make it clear, too, that you also need him to support you: not in a way that makes it sound like you're making demands of him, but in a way that makes it clear that you two are a team. 

[Alarich II]

Fortunately, I am not quite in the same Position (not divorced and the kids are younger) , but

Household chores: We have a cleaner and she is such a great help, she irons my shirts, vacuums, swabs the floors from time to time and when we are in a great hurry and leave dishes in kitchen or on the table, she puts them in the dish washer. And honestly, for our relationship it helps a lot: it frees up family time to do fun things instead of chores we all hate. So I would definitively think about it, maybe get someone to come once a week or every two weeks.

Also, since having kids, we have simply lowered our standards wrt to cleanliness and orderliness. Now I admit that my kids are small, so maybe the expectations will grow when they are older. But from your OP I gather it's not even a year that he lives with you full time, so maybe you will just have to develop a higher dirt resilience... ;-) Also, you can start with small chores such as doing your own laundry. You don't even have to take anything away: after a while he will want clean clothes and then you can explain to him how the washing machine works: at the age of thirteen, I think you can reasonably expect him to understand how to operate the washer and do his own laundry. And when the own laundry has become a matter of course, you can start to add other things, but I would concentrate on the more pressing matters of his mental health first. I mean, the age between 13 and 21 is difficult for any teenager, even under ideal circumstances. And he is going through a lot right now. So talk to him, basically what mormont said. Make him feel part of a team, important and valued and don't expect things to move fast and smoothly.

[Ice Queen]

7 hours ago, Alarich II said:

Fortunately, I am not quite in the same Position (not divorced and the kids are younger) , but

Household chores: We have a cleaner and she is such a great help, she irons my shirts, vacuums, swabs the floors from time to time and when we are in a great hurry and leave dishes in kitchen or on the table, she puts them in the dish washer. And honestly, for our relationship it helps a lot: it frees up family time to do fun things instead of chores we all hate. So I would definitively think about it, maybe get someone to come once a week or every two weeks.

Also, since having kids, we have simply lowered our standards wrt to cleanliness and orderliness. Now I admit that my kids are small, so maybe the expectations will grow when they are older. But from your OP I gather it's not even a year that he lives with you full time, so maybe you will just have to develop a higher dirt resilience... ;-) Also, you can start with small chores such as doing your own laundry. You don't even have to take anything away: after a while he will want clean clothes and then you can explain to him how the washing machine works: at the age of thirteen, I think you can reasonably expect him to understand how to operate the washer and do his own laundry. And when the own laundry has become a matter of course, you can start to add other things, but I would concentrate on the more pressing matters of his mental health first. I mean, the age between 13 and 21 is difficult for any teenager, even under ideal circumstances. And he is going through a lot right now. So talk to him, basically what mormont said. Make him feel part of a team, important and valued and don't expect things to move fast and smoothly.

I agree. I was a single parent for a long time, and the kids need to learn that everyone needs to pitch in and help and that they're not helpless and can do for themselves.

He's 13. If he can use a smartphone and an XBox, he can use a vacuum cleaner, a washer, and load the dishwasher or do the dishes. After awhile, he can do his own laundry, and if he doesn't have any clean clothes because he didn't do it, too bad. That's on him. You're not asking him to scrub toilets with a toothbrush, but just what EVERY child, single parent or not, should know how to do. 

Edit: Having a spotless home when you have young children is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. 

[Centrist Simon Steele]

20 hours ago, mormont said:

Still a terrific piece of advice, by the way. Made my weekends much more enjoyable. Thank you.

My mother had a cleaner for years and she honestly became like part of the family. Bought me a mug tree when I went away to university. I still have one of the mugs nearly thirty years later. It was never her job to be a nanny or babysitter for us, but it was another adult around the house, which can be beneficial for a child in these situations.

My initial reaction to this thread was 'it depends on the child' and this illustrates why. If the kid doesn't have any emotional resilience just now, then you have to take that into account. Taking a hard line on chores, for example, might not be the best thing as it could lead to him feeling resentful. Similarly, the 'don't leave him idle' advice is generally good, but he may also need some alone time to process stuff, if he's going through some hard emotional times. And adapting to a new social group like a sports team might suck up emotional energy he needs just to cope with daily life.

So the best thing is to talk to him, or keep talking to him, as I'm sure you already are. Put some of these ideas to him, make him feel involved and consulted and supported. Make it clear, too, that you also need him to support you: not in a way that makes it sound like you're making demands of him, but in a way that makes it clear that you two are a team. 

Yeah, I'm getting this sense too--that it depends on the kid, and my kiddo has had some rough times he needs to work through without being crushed. Thanks for writing this. A cleaner may take a lot of stress off both of us so we can focus on smaller tasks and working to bigger ones--together. I'm really liking this idea.

[Centrist Simon Steele]

19 hours ago, Alarich II said:

Fortunately, I am not quite in the same Position (not divorced and the kids are younger) , but

Household chores: We have a cleaner and she is such a great help, she irons my shirts, vacuums, swabs the floors from time to time and when we are in a great hurry and leave dishes in kitchen or on the table, she puts them in the dish washer. And honestly, for our relationship it helps a lot: it frees up family time to do fun things instead of chores we all hate. So I would definitively think about it, maybe get someone to come once a week or every two weeks.

Also, since having kids, we have simply lowered our standards wrt to cleanliness and orderliness. Now I admit that my kids are small, so maybe the expectations will grow when they are older. But from your OP I gather it's not even a year that he lives with you full time, so maybe you will just have to develop a higher dirt resilience... ;-) Also, you can start with small chores such as doing your own laundry. You don't even have to take anything away: after a while he will want clean clothes and then you can explain to him how the washing machine works: at the age of thirteen, I think you can reasonably expect him to understand how to operate the washer and do his own laundry. And when the own laundry has become a matter of course, you can start to add other things, but I would concentrate on the more pressing matters of his mental health first. I mean, the age between 13 and 21 is difficult for any teenager, even under ideal circumstances. And he is going through a lot right now. So talk to him, basically what mormont said. Make him feel part of a team, important and valued and don't expect things to move fast and smoothly.

I think my level of adjustment to full time parenting is definitely still developing. I've always had him half time--every other week--and I think I relied on those off weeks to keep things running the way I needed. Thanks for the advice--all of it is helpful.

[Ellyn Ever Sweet]

I assume that your son does not have any developmental issues that physically or mentally stops him from contributing to chores. Set a few specific tasks for him to do each day (eg. dishes, laundry and basic tidying) and pay him some pocket money if he does them properly. Get a cleaner to thoroughly clean the shared areas of the house once or twice a month, but leave his bedroom alone, as that is his own responsibility.

[Xray the Enforcer]

Get the cleaner. Seriously.

[Mlle. Zabzie]

1.  Cleaner FTW.  Seriously.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.  Pay the cleaner, tomorrow preferably.  Worth every penny.

2.  Cleaner =/ tidier.  Your son can have basic tidying responsibility.  This doesn't mean deep cleaning the bathroom but it does mean making the bed and basic kitchen cleanliness.

3.  You know what, tutor/nanny FTW.  My children are younger (8 and 4) but I will probably have FT help as long as I can afford it.  If you CAN afford it, having another adult around is a GOOD THING, whether or not your child is embarrassed by presence of said adult.  A 13 yo is embarrassed by all things.  It is an inexorable part of being adolescent.  That shouldn't stop you.  I mean, if nothing else, said nanny is if nothing else a chauffeur.  13 year olds are ridiculous AND THEY CANT HELP IT.  It's part of their charm.  I bet through your university you could find an undergrad looking for some extra cash that could fill this role and be a really positive addition to your family for a couple of years.  I am all about all the help.  Raising children IS HARD.  Don't feel pressured to do it alone.  BUT don't feel pressured to get married just to provide this.  Best of luck.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

@Simon Steele,

Do you and your son have the type of relationship where you can have an honest dialogue with one another? My parents finalized their divorce when I was around 10, and it was an extremely nasty process (my dad was a trial lawyer and wanted to extract every once of flesh he could from my mom). Prior to their divorce I never had any chores (we had a cleaning lady), but afterwards my mom basically had to lay how and why things had changed and made it clear why I now needed to help her around the house. She co-owned a medium sized business that was expanding which meant she left at 7 in the morning and got home after 8 in the evening. She laid out very clearly what each of our responsibilities were and gave me a nice allowance in exchange for completing all my tasks. She also gave me extra stuff if I did her chores while she was at work (she would buy boxes of Magic The Gathering cards and throw me a few packs for doing things for her). I think this type of setup can work in most households, and if you can get him to understand why you need his help, he may be more receptive to help you out. It will also help with his work ethic.

Also, MZ is correct to suggest a tutor instead of a baby sitter (I'd ditch the nanny idea though, he's too old for that). I was part of a tutoring program after college and the kids responded really well to having another person around. Literally every single parent said having a tutor visit a few times a week made a huge impact on their kid's lives, both at school and at home.  

[Centrist Simon Steele]

On 8/7/2018 at 5:38 PM, Xray the Enforcer said:

Get the cleaner. Seriously.

I've been searching--it looks like we have some good options around here. This just seems like a great idea.

On 8/7/2018 at 7:58 PM, Mlle. Zabzie said:

1.  Cleaner FTW.  Seriously.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.  Pay the cleaner, tomorrow preferably.  Worth every penny.

2.  Cleaner =/ tidier.  Your son can have basic tidying responsibility.  This doesn't mean deep cleaning the bathroom but it does mean making the bed and basic kitchen cleanliness.

3.  You know what, tutor/nanny FTW.  My children are younger (8 and 4) but I will probably have FT help as long as I can afford it.  If you CAN afford it, having another adult around is a GOOD THING, whether or not your child is embarrassed by presence of said adult.  A 13 yo is embarrassed by all things.  It is an inexorable part of being adolescent.  That shouldn't stop you.  I mean, if nothing else, said nanny is if nothing else a chauffeur.  13 year olds are ridiculous AND THEY CANT HELP IT.  It's part of their charm.  I bet through your university you could find an undergrad looking for some extra cash that could fill this role and be a really positive addition to your family for a couple of years.  I am all about all the help.  Raising children IS HARD.  Don't feel pressured to do it alone.  BUT don't feel pressured to get married just to provide this.  Best of luck.

Thank you so much for this. The tutor idea is really good. It changes the tone of nanny, I think, and you're right, at this point, everything I do is embarrassing to him. Even if  no one else is around. But I really appreciate that you understand the issue I'm having of doing this alone. 

3 hours ago, SpaceForce Tywin et al. said:

@Simon Steele,

Do you and your son have the type of relationship where you can have an honest dialogue with one another? My parents finalized their divorce when I was around 10, and it was an extremely nasty process (my dad was a trial lawyer and wanted to extract every once of flesh he could from my mom). Prior to their divorce I never had any chores (we had a cleaning lady), but afterwards my mom basically had to lay how and why things had changed and made it clear why I now needed to help her around the house. She co-owned a medium sized business that was expanding which meant she left at 7 in the morning and got home after 8 in the evening. She laid out very clearly what each of our responsibilities were and gave me a nice allowance in exchange for completing all my tasks. She also gave me extra stuff if I did her chores while she was at work (she would buy boxes of Magic The Gathering cards and throw me a few packs for doing things for her). I think this type of setup can work in most households, and if you can get him to understand why you need his help, he may be more receptive to help you out. It will also help with his work ethic.

Also, MZ is correct to suggest a tutor instead of a baby sitter (I'd ditch the nanny idea though, he's too old for that). I was part of a tutoring program after college and the kids responded really well to having another person around. Literally every single parent said having a tutor visit a few times a week made a huge impact on their kid's lives, both at school and at home.  

So, we do have a good relationship, and he does want to get along and do the right thing. I really believe his ADHD is only exasperated by adolescence, so any kind of organizing or cleaning (or whatever) is like climbing a mountain for him. Working at it together is something we've been doing, but--as I was talking to my therapist the other day--my patience is not unending. In the ideal functioning family, if one parent is dealing with this and hits his/her limit, then he/she turns to their partner for help and support. When you're on your own, you hit your threshold without any respite. I'm glad my therapist and I talked about this because just realizing that this was happening really helps me deal with it better. 

Your story just reminds me--divorced families remove a lot of what we perceive as "traditional" childhood from our kiddos. I guess if we (parents) handle it right as your mom did, the kids will be okay. I'll keep working at it.

I've been going with Mormont's advice over the last week or so and talking to him about being a team. He really responded to that. I mean, he still screws up a lot, but it's not malicious, and he wants to do well.