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Dating - I love the way you swipe


Larry of the Lawn

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Might have a new lady in my life. She’s pretty cool and stunningly beautiful. She has a 10 year old son, which would be new for me, but if she’s turns out to be a great love interest that will hardly be an issue.  

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On ‎8‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 8:24 PM, Datepalm said:

Well...it was not a catastrophe. It was not good in any imaginable form of the word - we had terrible coffee and walked around because everywhere was packed, and the only thing we managed to actually carry a conversation was a tepid agreement that it is indeed sometimes complicated asking for recommendation letters. That's too low a bar. Nice enough guy, but seems to have absolutely nothing happening in his life that he could describe, no curiosity as to mine, nothing in common and no rapport.

This is probably not a good indicator, but I might have preferred catastrophe.

I think I'm going to back off the online dating for a while (she said, one date in after an 18 month gap) and try giving the old 'real life' (as the kids are calling it) approach a try while I get my bearings here.

Don't feel bad.  Face-to-face communication seems to be a dying art. 

BTW, you say he was a nice enough guy.  How could you tell? 

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6 hours ago, Tears of Lys said:

Don't feel bad.  Face-to-face communication seems to be a dying art. 

BTW, you say he was a nice enough guy.  How could you tell? 

Overall vibe of consideration and politeness - like, not interrupting, being able to balance talking/listening in a conversation, etc, and general acceptable personal conduct on a kind of minimal level of not kicking any puppies, not saying anything awful, not seeming especially self absorbed, etc. Though, you're right, who knows? Not kicking any puppies seems like a low bar, but I've had worse dates.

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I always go back to what **I** would do in a similar situation.  When it got to the point of discomfort, I would find the humor in it, say what the hell, and tease it out of him; i.e.., "So enough about you.  Here's what I'M up to . . ."  If he didn't respond with mm-hmms or oh, really's, or show he's not a potted plant in any objective, identifiable way, I'd probably up the ante and supply the questions AND answers.  At this point he'll either get aggravated and cut the date short, or get the hint that conversation isn't THAT hard.  Small talk is just a bridge to more meaningful dialogue.  It's got a bad rap, but it does have its place.

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I firmly support the idea that while one date might not be enough to fall in love with someone, it can definitely be enough to know you’re never going to hit it off. I had one such date this summer. It ended with the tender words: 

Me: Send me a message if you want to meet again!

Her: Ditto!

 

(Actually I had more such dates. I never met horse-crazy bikini fitness girl again, nor the 190 cm Finnish girl from the accidental gay restaurant date. I’m probably doing this wrong.)

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Well, I've done something. I asked her if she wanted to meet later for a drink, and that there was something I wanted to talk about. She wasn't free to meet, and then said she was worrying and couldn't I just talk to her by text?

So, fuck it, I've sent a message saying how I feel. It was probably a bit rambling, but I got the basic point across. Haven't heard back yet. For better or worse, it's done.

Wish me luck.

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20 minutes ago, Liffguard said:

Well, I've done something. I asked her if she wanted to meet later for a drink, and that there was something I wanted to talk about. She wasn't free to meet, and then said she was worrying and couldn't I just talk to her by text?

So, fuck it, I've sent a message saying how I feel. It was probably a bit rambling, but I got the basic point across. Haven't heard back yet. For better or worse, it's done.

Wish me luck.

Good luck! 

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Aaaannd I've got my answer, and it's no.

On the one hand, this sucks. On the other hand, that's a huge weight off my shoulders. It's weird how I can feel sad and also simultaneously relieved, almost light-hearterd. We both want to keep the friendship going, but I've also decided to take a little bit of time and space away from her to clear my head. I think we're going to be okay.

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Sorry to hear that. Always sucks to get that message from anyone.

Allow yourself to be sad for a while, eat some ice cream, watch some dumb TV, hang out with some good friends. Do whatever you feel like, take care of yourself. And then move on. That last part is important. 

I have no good advice on how to still be friends with someone you’re in love with, other than that if you cannot let go of your feelings, it can be better to break off the friendship than to keep it and continue feeling miserable. Maybe a few months away from each other will do the trick, maybe not. 

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9 hours ago, Liffguard said:

Aaaannd I've got my answer, and it's no.

On the one hand, this sucks. On the other hand, that's a huge weight off my shoulders. It's weird how I can feel sad and also simultaneously relieved, almost light-hearterd. We both want to keep the friendship going, but I've also decided to take a little bit of time and space away from her to clear my head. I think we're going to be okay.

I'll buy you a drink sometime.  

:cheers:

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Sorry to hear that man. I'm off the belief that it's better to ask and be rejected than to never know the answer. I missed out on an absolutely beautiful woman in HS because I never asked until it was too late, and since then I've never let that happen again.

 

My situation looks to be going well. She basically told me she was ready to jump my bones, but I will probably have to wait until after the weekend because she has family in town staying at her place including kids, and she said she didn't want our first time to be with her face smashed into a pillow, lol. 

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Thanks for the kind words everybody. I'm using my tried and tested method of dealing with heartbreak, which is to throw myself into a new hobby. Another friend of mine has been keen for me to try Shinty since he runs the local team. So this evening I went along to a training session and had a lot of fun. And since they're currently a man down, tomorrow I'll be getting thrown in at the deep end and playing a full game. I have no idea if I'll keep it up long term, but I think it's a good distraction to try something and new and meet some new people.

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23 hours ago, SpaceForce Tywin et al. said:

Also, that game looks like a harder version of field hockey? 

Basically yeah, though I think it predates hockey by a fair bit. You can body check full contact, hit with both sides of the stick and make full shoulder height swings. You can't deliberately hit the other players with your stick, but you don't have to go out of your way to avoid them either. It's considered your own responsibility to defend yourself against other player's swings. Lots of fun, and great camaraderie.

 

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On 9/7/2018 at 6:31 AM, Liffguard said:

Aaaannd I've got my answer, and it's no.

On the one hand, this sucks. On the other hand, that's a huge weight off my shoulders. It's weird how I can feel sad and also simultaneously relieved, almost light-hearterd. We both want to keep the friendship going, but I've also decided to take a little bit of time and space away from her to clear my head. I think we're going to be okay.

Way to put yourself out there and now you know and you can do something about it.  Either way, you were honest with your feelings and made them aware.  Good Job.  I'm sorry it didn't pay out.  But yeah, I remember when my wife and I found out we couldn't have kids.  It was a weird mixture of sadness/grieving, but we knew what was going on and what it was about.  It also answered some other health questions and it felt...good and it was a relief to know.  I guess moving on can feel good.

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1 hour ago, Guy Kilmore said:

Way to put yourself out there and now you know and you can do something about it.  Either way, you were honest with your feelings and made them aware.  Good Job.  I'm sorry it didn't pay out.  But yeah, I remember when my wife and I found out we couldn't have kids.  It was a weird mixture of sadness/grieving, but we knew what was going on and what it was about.  It also answered some other health questions and it felt...good and it was a relief to know.  I guess moving on can feel good.

Thank you. And as to the bolded, I'm sorry to hear that. That sucks big time.

But yeah, there's definitely a feeling of relief to see the situation with open eyes. Besides new hobbies, I'm going to try and treat this as an opportunity: firstly to strengthen the friendship without any secrets or hidden motives; secondly to look at other dating opportunities I've neglected due to these pervasive feelings for her. Just got to keep moving forward.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Tinder does make things easier. It’s got its pros and cons, but it sure beats the crap out of going to a bar, getting drunk and hoping to find someone that is right for you. What I particularly like is that it removes the voice in your head saying you’re an idiot for trying to hit on a girl like her, that she’s out of your league and so on. Doesn’t matter! Unless she likes you back, she won’t even know you liked her. This is the true genius of Tinder in my opinion.

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Oof 19 seems suuuuper young. I'm not big on arbitrary rules about age but at 19 you're barely an adult vs at 28 when you've had literally a decade of adult experience. That said, when I was 18/19, I hooked up with several guys around 26-28 and I don't feel bad about that having happened or like I was taken advantage of.

I booked tickets today to go to Australia for Christmas with my boyfriend. I'm both REALLY excited and a bit nervous. Meeting his whole family, plus staying with them for over 2 weeks, including for a major holiday, is a little nervewracking. But mostly excited. :D 

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