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Dating - I love the way you swipe


Larry of the Lawn

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On 11/20/2018 at 12:42 AM, Theda Baratheon said:

Well I have a date next week...I think! 

Asked out by someone i used to go college with years ago. I think it’s a date - he did call me cute :P so hopefully that isnt disastrous - I’m too tired of being nervous and flaky when people ask me out so this time I was just like Yep okay let’s do it :lol: 

Well because of the storm weather he haven’t actually met up yet and he’s already asking me things like:

”are you seeing anyone? Do you want to see someone? Do you want to date? Shouldn’t I ask you out then?” 

And im like aaaahhhh maybe we should meet up first. Haven’t seen this bloke since college and we don’t seem to have a huge amount to talk about but I can’t really tell for sure until I meet him but I felt a bit bombarded really. Flattered though

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On 11/21/2018 at 6:35 PM, Datepalm said:

So I went on a date (was late and got caught in the rain and arrive looking like a drowned cat, I imagine.) Nice enough, unobjectionable, smart, looks fairly ok, I guess, just...not...argh, I don't know, interesting. As in, I wasn't interested. No apparent obsessions, no weirdness, no mysterious, unhealthy, inarticulable drive for something - particular or not - that seems to position this person ever so slightly orthogonally to, like, life. And correspondingly make them an awkward and unlikely dating prospect. And, thus, I don't appear to be at all attracted to him.

Sigh. I guess I'll have something to chat about with my therapist.

One of the toughest things about dating is how long it really takes to get to know a new person and be truly comfortable around them.  It takes a long time.  As a result sometimes we don't give or get a fair shake - other times we realize we've wasted time when we find out we aren't compatible with someone we thought we were. 

Anyway, the bold part here stood out to me because, personally, it is extremely unlikely that I would lead with weirdness, obsessions, closeted skeletons, or various neuroses that I might have unless they were must-know things.  Those get drawn out gradually, until one day you get to the point where you realize that you are so comfortable and weird around each other that you could never let the outside world find out what you are like at home. 

Nobody would ever get that side of me on first date, or even the first several dates.  I wouldn't lay it all on the table like that up front, and I think most people will naturally hold parts of themselves back until they are sure of the other person.  Of course, it could easily be as simple as dude was a plain old fuckin' bore, I'm just saying that a semi-bland appearance at first doesn't necessarily mean there's not some unforeseen depth of personality that might emerge later on.  

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19 hours ago, S John said:

One of the toughest things about dating is how long it really takes to get to know a new person and be truly comfortable around them.  It takes a long time.  As a result sometimes we don't give or get a fair shake - other times we realize we've wasted time when we find out we aren't compatible with someone we thought we were. 

Anyway, the bold part here stood out to me because, personally, it is extremely unlikely that I would lead with weirdness, obsessions, closeted skeletons, or various neuroses that I might have unless they were must-know things.  Those get drawn out gradually, until one day you get to the point where you realize that you are so comfortable and weird around each other that you could never let the outside world find out what you are like at home. 

Nobody would ever get that side of me on first date, or even the first several dates.  I wouldn't lay it all on the table like that up front, and I think most people will naturally hold parts of themselves back until they are sure of the other person.  Of course, it could easily be as simple as dude was a plain old fuckin' bore, I'm just saying that a semi-bland appearance at first doesn't necessarily mean there's not some unforeseen depth of personality that might emerge later on.  

Ah yes, some people are just boring firstly and that will be their personality later on.

But there are many many others who just don't find it as easily to open up till later (and actually that should be how it should work in general, you're not going to show all your personality traits the first time you talk with anyone), or, either, they just do it more if they find people who they find very comfortable with from the start. 

That's speaking of people you'are getting to know in general, be it a date or be it a potential friend/date.

However, I can't say much for as how things are supposed to be done in dates. Because I never "date", or if I've done it, and the other thought so, I've not been fully aware of it, because I just simply prefer getting to know these people and befriend them first instead of just "having a date" with someone you barely know (or not know at all..) with all the awckwardness that it involves because you know from the start "it's a date" so you either like that person or not and it has to be just that on principle. :dunno: 

To me it makes more sense having a date with someone you already know if anything. But I understand that some people like having dates with people don't know and find attractive and just want to know more about them. I guess some people might consider befriending this new people if they find things in common and the other also does too. But to me the order should be different.

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On ‎11‎/‎30‎/‎2018 at 1:13 PM, S John said:

One of the toughest things about dating is how long it really takes to get to know a new person and be truly comfortable around them.  It takes a long time.  As a result sometimes we don't give or get a fair shake - other times we realize we've wasted time when we find out we aren't compatible with someone we thought we were. 

Anyway, the bold part here stood out to me because, personally, it is extremely unlikely that I would lead with weirdness, obsessions, closeted skeletons, or various neuroses that I might have unless they were must-know things.  Those get drawn out gradually, until one day you get to the point where you realize that you are so comfortable and weird around each other that you could never let the outside world find out what you are like at home. 

Nobody would ever get that side of me on first date, or even the first several dates.  I wouldn't lay it all on the table like that up front, and I think most people will naturally hold parts of themselves back until they are sure of the other person.  Of course, it could easily be as simple as dude was a plain old fuckin' bore, I'm just saying that a semi-bland appearance at first doesn't necessarily mean there's not some unforeseen depth of personality that might emerge later on.  

I think this is pretty spot on for me - I tend to be a bit judgey at the best of times, I suppose, and I guess I approach dating with a sort of binary, somewhat grim energy - its either something I don't give a damn about, or suddenly feel way behind on and needs to get done now! Kind of like laundry or filling out applications. I get bored fast, consider the box ticked, and move on to ignoring it for another three months. I probably need a more relaxed, exploratory attitude to first dates, for sure. I was going to say that this probably radiates and weed guy has gone silent, but he got in touch for a potential second 'hang-out' (dunno how to parse that, but seems relaxed and exploratory).

I'm just deliberating whether I want to try and do that next week (I mean, I am not eager to do this, still, just trying to give it more of a chance) - as I'm going home for about a month after that, or wait until I'm back and see if there's still some curiosity there. 

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OK, different thing - or rather, different dude. Back when I was doing grad-school apps a year ago, I got coffee with a guy who is doing loosely similar work and had just graduated at that point, so it was very much a collegial-advice-networking type meeting, if an unusually pleasant and non-awkward one. Since then our only point of contact has been, er, twitter, where we haven't exactly had any scintillating exchanges but he is oddly consistent in giving a like or a retweet to anything I post (which no one else does) and followed up with an actual brief email to check where I'd eventually ended for grad-school. In my world, of frentically busy and carefully territorial academics, this is a suspicious and sustained amount of positive attention. I don't think I was immediately attracted to him at the time (thought who am I to, ever?) but he's floated up in my mind that regard on occasion since. Anyway I'm toying with doing an East Coast weekend trip or something in the next few months, and it would be nice to touch base (with lots of other people as well)...anyway, I'm just brainstorming here. This is not an obvious catastrophe waiting to happen, right? Something about the situation  (or the way I'm thinking about it, since the situation itself is non-existent) is making me wary. 

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57 minutes ago, Datepalm said:

 Anyway I'm toying with doing an East Coast weekend trip or something in the next few months, and it would be nice to touch base (with lots of other people as well)...anyway, I'm just brainstorming here. This is not an obvious catastrophe waiting to happen, right? Something about the situation  (or the way I'm thinking about it, since the situation itself is non-existent) is making me wary. 

Is there not a conference or convention in your field you might see him at?  Like, ask him about good conferences to network with more people in your field and find out which you might see him at.

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5 minutes ago, SpaceChampion said:

Is there not a conference or convention in your field you might see him at?  Like, ask him about good conferences to network with more people in your field and find out which you might see him at.

Probably eventually, but this would be over the next few years, not months, and I want to get out of town somewhere before that, generally speaking. I mean, I'd try for a meeting or something anyway, but I guess it feels oddly risky going into it with some inclination to the date-y just in my own head, especially as its someone who is a node in my wider professional network (in a really small sub-field), if not a direct colleague, not to mention living across the country and having evidenced no interest, so maybe I should kill that inclination dead. In case it has not been established, I am not good at these things and not good at just thinking about these things. 

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So...

There's this friend of mine who I've become increasingly attracted to over the last weeks. So I considered asking her out, but got hit by the flu and decided to wait until I wasn't a sniffling wreck. Now, back on my feet I asked her if she wanted to meet for drinks some time this weekend.

Her answer: "Sure. Mind if I bring my new boyfriend along? You two will get on splendidly!"

Well, fuck.

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12 minutes ago, The guy from the Vale said:

I am also a member of the patient school of thought, but my case example from earlier today aso demonstrates the weakness of that - they might simply not be available any more once you get around to being ready for a relationship.

I -very obviously- don't know the girl but the "you will get on splendidly with my new boyfriend" line sounds very much like a "you should have made your move dumbass, too late now" to me. Not very nice.

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2 hours ago, Rippounet said:

I -very obviously- don't know the girl but the "you will get on splendidly with my new boyfriend" line sounds very much like a "you should have made your move dumbass, too late now" to me. Not very nice.

Not really this at all. All my close friends would say something similar. Friends tend to want you to like their new beau’s 

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11 hours ago, The guy from the Vale said:

That's my take on how she meant this, too.

Still a rather hard one to swallow right now.

Of course :) didn’t mean to imply you should be skipping and dancing for joy over this, you must be quite understandably resentful that he is not you, and annoyed with yourself for not acting sooner. Emotions are complicated and irrational and not always fair. Just as long as you remain aware of them and don’t direct your frustration to your friend, who after all has done nothing wrong.

(please note I’m not suggesting you would do such a thing)

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My bad then, but in my defense it really depends on what one means by "friend," especially how long you two have been friends.

Like my female best friend I've known for 20+ years obviously wants me to meet her new boyfriend and us to get along (she calls him "James Bond") and that's totally normal. But if this girl I've been friends with for a few months now told me the same thing it would be something of an "in your face" statement.

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No need to defend yourself. I didn't specify, after all. We've known each other for a bit over four years now and  I would call her one of my best friends, probably even my best friend. So, closer to the former than the latter. And I agree that in case of the latter, I would be far more wary, too.

@HelenaExMachina  Thank you.

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OK guys I need second opinions...to see if I’m right to be annoyed lol. 

So this guy asks me out, doesn’t specify a time or place other than [insert city name and day] and doesn’t really check up on it to specify. So the day (today) comes around and no message so at half 12 I send a “what’s the plan today then?” Message and get a nonchalant “oh I don’t know something in the late afternoon” so I say “okay we can meet [insert pub name]” and he saw the message and never replied to confirm or anything...fast forward Almost 3 hours (its quarter to 4) and no reply or message or anything? 

Am I just being a psycho bitch for expecting him to specify a time and place and annoyed when he doesn’t reply? 

I don’t even want to go now - it’s raining outside and it’s an hour bus ride or a half hour walk in the rain and a 15 min train journey But if I cancel now I’m going to be seen as the flaky one?? Am I being unfair or weird? 

 

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9 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

OK guys I need second opinions...to see if I’m right to be annoyed lol. 

So this guy asks me out, doesn’t specify a time or place other than [insert city name and day] and doesn’t really check up on it to specify. So the day (today) comes around and no message so at half 12 I send a “what’s the plan today then?” Message and get a nonchalant “oh I don’t know something in the late afternoon” so I say “okay we can meet [insert pub name]” and he saw the message and never replied to confirm or anything...fast forward Almost 3 hours (its quarter to 4) and no reply or message or anything? 

Am I just being a psycho bitch for expecting him to specify a time and place and annoyed when he doesn’t reply? 

I don’t even want to go now - it’s raining outside and it’s an hour bus ride or a half hour walk in the rain and a 15 min train journey But if I cancel now I’m going to be seen as the flaky one?? Am I being unfair or weird? 

 

He's being very inconsiderate.  Sadly, some people do this all the time, and as a general rule I try not to be friends with them. 

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3 minutes ago, Maithanet said:

He's being very inconsiderate.  Sadly, some people do this all the time, and as a general rule I try not to be friends with them. 

I’ve just messaged to say we can do it another time “when we are more organised” and that I had been waiting around a bit and assumed he might have changed his mind so I’ve taken my dog for a walk and settled in for the evening to do university work LOL. I don’t care if I come across boring - I can’t be bothered to wait around for some dude who can’t even make the minimal effort to specify a time and a place - maybe I’m a bitch but I’d just prefer to binge watch Vikings with my mum this evening instead. 

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25 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I’ve just messaged to say we can do it another time “when we are more organised” and that I had been waiting around a bit and assumed he might have changed his mind so I’ve taken my dog for a walk and settled in for the evening to do university work LOL. I don’t care if I come across boring - I can’t be bothered to wait around for some dude who can’t even make the minimal effort to specify a time and a place - maybe I’m a bitch but I’d just prefer to binge watch Vikings with my mum this evening instead. 

Good for you! Adults who refuse to firm up plans drive me crazy. They don't seem to realize that the world doesn't revolve around their whims. 

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