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Dating - I love the way you swipe


Larry of the Lawn

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While it's nice to see my predicament sparked an interesting discussion, I don't think your advice is very applicable in my case, @Heartofice. There, friendship simply preceded any attraction, or, for that matter, any window of socially acceptable courtship (as we were both in relationships when we got to know each other, and at least one of us always has been for as long we've known each other until September). Anyway I'm certainly closer to Meera in my dating preferences, in part because I'm not really interested in one-night-stands (those I've had were not all that much fun tbh), in part because of the passage Rippounet quoted earlier. And I've had my success with my way of doing things, too

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1 hour ago, Lily Valley said:

Too Much Girl has been texting again.  Started with things like, "C'mon, you can't stay mad at me forever."

O RLY?  Watch me.

Too Much Girl surely must have encountered a door-slam before, if she's gotten this way in the past.  Perhaps she's just repeating the pattern hoping for a different outcome. 

 

Well, I'm ending off the year same way I started it.  Confused by the same woman.  I was putting this girl behind me, after I found out she had a boyfriend, but they don't seem to have chemistry, and after all this time they don't live together -- though I am pretty sure they did years ago.  Party at her place i helped organize for our meet-up group.  A very chameleon-like person.  She gave me a chaste peck on the lips as I left, and a few months ago  she said she wanted my heart, but doesn't expect to get it.   She said her boyfriend doesn't live there, she's too independent to live with someone.  Weird thing is he said he does live there.  I'm sure none of his stuff is there, the apartment is too small to not notice.  Whatever.  I hate emotional relapses.

Crazy good party though.

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2 hours ago, SpaceChampion said:

Well, I'm ending off the year same way I started it.  Confused by the same woman.  I was putting this girl behind me, after I found out she had a boyfriend, but they don't seem to have chemistry, and after all this time they don't live together -- though I am pretty sure they did years ago.  Party at her place i helped organize for our meet-up group.  A very chameleon-like person.  She gave me a chaste peck on the lips as I left, and a few months ago  she said she wanted my heart, but doesn't expect to get it.   She said her boyfriend doesn't live there, she's too independent to live with someone.  Weird thing is he said he does live there.  I'm sure none of his stuff is there, the apartment is too small to not notice.  Whatever.  I hate emotional relapses.

So this is a girl you have professed interest in previously?  And she says things like "she wants your heart" and kisses you on the lips (even briefly) when you're leaving a party, even though she's in a relationship?  Man, that is messed up.  I would avoid her like a nest of vipers, but that's just me. 

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24 minutes ago, Maithanet said:

So this is a girl you have professed interest in previously?  And she says things like "she wants your heart" and kisses you on the lips (even briefly) when you're leaving a party, even though she's in a relationship?  Man, that is messed up.  I would avoid her like a nest of vipers, but that's just me. 

Yep. HUGE red flags.

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11 hours ago, Maithanet said:

So this is a girl you have professed interest in previously?  And she says things like "she wants your heart" and kisses you on the lips (even briefly) when you're leaving a party, even though she's in a relationship?  Man, that is messed up.  I would avoid her like a nest of vipers, but that's just me. 

I think the context of "want your heart" was as compared to whatever intellectual thing I said in response to her question.  She was opening up finally and said she thought I probably only do so when I can see someone reciprocate (true), which she says is very hard for her.    I think she sort of sees me as a lab experiment to see part of herself.  Of course I didn't focus on the context, just heard what I wanted to hear.  The convo was kind of abstract, starting off with some verse of a poem she had published that she wanted to give to me in the middle of the night.    I don't know wtf is going on.  I responded with a complete poem I wrote on the fly.   She said she thought we could create space for each other to write in.  But in person?  I don't know what that means either.  Maybe she's as frustrated with me as I am with her.  Communicating with her was like that episode of Next Gen "Darmok".  We seemed to make progress then, but nothing since.  The party too loud and too public for me to have a proper conversation that I've been trying to have for nearly a year now.

There is another person i was interested in beginning in the fall, her total opposite in a lot of ways, we communicate really well, so it was a relief.  But that girl is not interested, due to different cultures, and was totally surprised when I expressed interest.  Somehow missed my awkward flirting which i thought she was receptive to was more than friendship.  Shaka when the walls fell.

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  • 2 weeks later...
4 minutes ago, The guy from the Vale said:

So, for those following my little trainwreck of a narrative, New ear's went about as well as expected - by which I mean, disastrously.

 

Well, shit.

Sorry to hear that. NYE is almost always a huge disappointment. Its not the movies.

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28 minutes ago, The guy from the Vale said:

So, for those following my little trainwreck of a narrative, New ear's went about as well as expected - by which I mean, disastrously.

 

Well, shit.

mmm. I'm sorry to hear that.

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I'd like to discuss dating and its transformation into relationships.

I've been hanging out a lot lately with Girl Who Liked My Beard. We're on the tenth date or something and have a really good time each time. She's a very kind and gentle soul and we seem to fit very well personality-wise. Stuff that used to be a struggle with my ex wife is now completely without friction. We have close to the same views on nearly everything.

But I don't - yet? - feel anything deeper. This is something I think is difficult. Should I expect to fall madly in love after two months of dating? Three? How long should you give it before you call it off? 

I really want to fall in love with this girl because she's such a great person, but I have no idea how long that will take, if it will ever happen, or how I will know. All I know now is that I'm not there yet. 

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1 minute ago, Erik of Hazelfield said:

I'd like to discuss dating and its transformation into relationships.

I've been hanging out a lot lately with Girl Who Liked My Beard. We're on the tenth date or something and have a really good time each time. She's a very kind and gentle soul and we seem to fit very well personality-wise. Stuff that used to be a struggle with my ex wife is now completely without friction. We have close to the same views on nearly everything.

But I don't - yet? - feel anything deeper. This is something I think is difficult. Should I expect to fall madly in love after two months of dating? Three? How long should you give it before you call it off? 

I really want to fall in love with this girl because she's such a great person, but I have no idea how long that will take, if it will ever happen, or how I will know. All I know now is that I'm not there yet. 

It really depends what you want in life. I'm personally of the opinion that 'falling madly in love' is really just a collection of selfish urges, mixed with horniness, some people get it and some people don't. I also am not convinced it has anything to do with whether you are going to get into a great relationship or not. I wouldn't stress if you don't get those crazy intense feeling straight away, its possible to get them for people who are totally wrong for you, those feelings aren't some magic signal, they are just hormones.

If you like the girl and feel like she is someone you really wanna spend a long time with, then go with it. If however you think that you will probably find yourself bored by her and will look elsewhere then end it. 

I'm old enough now to think that these are life choices that shouldn't be made with your balls, but with your head.

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18 minutes ago, Erik of Hazelfield said:

I'd like to discuss dating and its transformation into relationships.

I've been hanging out a lot lately with Girl Who Liked My Beard. We're on the tenth date or something and have a really good time each time. She's a very kind and gentle soul and we seem to fit very well personality-wise. Stuff that used to be a struggle with my ex wife is now completely without friction. We have close to the same views on nearly everything.

But I don't - yet? - feel anything deeper. This is something I think is difficult. Should I expect to fall madly in love after two months of dating? Three? How long should you give it before you call it off? 

I really want to fall in love with this girl because she's such a great person, but I have no idea how long that will take, if it will ever happen, or how I will know. All I know now is that I'm not there yet. 

Maybe this is the problem...wanting to fall in love doesn't necessarily mean you can't have feelings or that these won't develop. However, putting a date for that feels too contrived, maybe, in my humble opinion.

Then again, I'm not used to "dating". Were you two hanging out since the start with the prospect of that (a relationship or sth) more or less acknowledged or just not saying it and getting to know each other? Sorry, because I have not read all the stories in this thread.

Maybe just giving time and just see how it evolves if it's the latter? If it's the former, I have no idea, since, even if I liked someone, I'd never go do it this way, because I just need to befriend for that, apart from the fact that my shyness would prevent me being so direct and I would not like it either, too forced...

As for the time, it's more important quality than quantity. So 2 months could be enough, or not...

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15 minutes ago, Heartofice said:

It really depends what you want in life. I'm personally of the opinion that 'falling madly in love' is really just a collection of selfish urges, mixed with horniness, some people get it and some people don't. I also am not convinced it has anything to do with whether you are going to get into a great relationship or not. I wouldn't stress if you don't get those crazy intense feeling straight away, its possible to get them for people who are totally wrong for you, those feelings aren't some magic signal, they are just hormones.

If you like the girl and feel like she is someone you really wanna spend a long time with, then go with it. If however you think that you will probably find yourself bored by her and will look elsewhere then end it. 

I'm old enough now to think that these are life choices that shouldn't be made with your balls, but with your head.

Yeah, I completely agree with you. And even if they are a signal and it gets confirmed, every person will always have flaws. And well, some relationships start well, or even very very well, but then it all ends up horribly. And that's it...

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It was a Tinder date to begin with, so the premise was always that we're both seeking a romantic relationship. This is very convenient in the beginning, since you never have to take that awkward step of asking a friend out, but it also means you have to go through the phase of not knowing whether or not you want to be in a relationship with this person while in many ways you already are. 

In that way I think I'm more like you Meera, in that every time I've fallen in love it has been through a friendship that deepened, and it always took a long time. Only twice did I muster the courage to tell my object of interest of my feelings, and only once did it result in an actual relationship (that was my ex wife). I guess I know deep down that I shouldn't do dating apps, but the reason I turn to them anyway is that it actually gets me somewhere. I feel have few other credible avenues of finding someone. I work for a very small company so finding someone at work isn't an option. I have many good friends but no one I'm interested in. I have hobbies and interests but none that I share with potential partners. And the idea of getting a new hobby for the sake of finding someone to fall in love with seems both ineffective, cumbersome and somewhat disingenuous. 

I should probably mention that I did once have a relationship that started on a dating site and kept on going for over a year before I realised I didn't actually want to be with her (at which point I went through all sorts of agony before finally breaking it off). So I guess that's in part what I'm afraid of. 

Thanks a lot for the replies by the way. I agree that "mad love" is probably not the best guide to a good relationship. Will have to think about that.

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Well, the last three New Year's parties that I threw with my social circle were a smashing success, so I was rather optimistic. And indeed it came down to her bringing along her new boyfriend. Incidentally, I was told by two other invitees that they felt his presence was rushed and that they felt uncomfortable with him around. So it wasn't just me. But while I could stand him in short, 1-hour doses on neutral ground, having him in my apartment for close to 10 was quite a bit more exhausting. 

When I went to bring the friend who lives furthest away to the train station for his last train home, she asked if she could accompany us, saying she needed some fresh air. On the way back, she started asking me why I was so grumpy... that discussion did not end particularly well. When we arrived back at the party, after some time another one of the guests openly suggested to her that at such a party, people might want to interact with her instead of just watching her spend time with her boyfriend, she went into a flying rage and left.

In the five years I've known her, I've never seen her like this. I'm quite concerned she might blow up multiple friendships over him by the rate this is going.

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1 hour ago, Erik of Hazelfield said:

It was a Tinder date to begin with, so the premise was always that we're both seeking a romantic relationship. This is very convenient in the beginning, since you never have to take that awkward step of asking a friend out, but it also means you have to go through the phase of not knowing whether or not you want to be in a relationship with this person while in many ways you already are. In that way I think I'm more like you Meera, in that every time I've fallen in love it has been through a friendship that deepened, and it always took a long time. Only twice did I muster the courage to tell my object of interest of my feelings, and only once did it result in an actual relationship (that was my ex wife).

I guess I know deep down that I shouldn't do dating apps, but the reason I turn to them anyway is that it actually gets me somewhere. I feel have few other credible avenues of finding someone. I work for a very small company so finding someone at work isn't an option. I have many good friends but no one I'm interested in. I have hobbies and interests but none that I share with potential partners. And the idea of getting a new hobby for the sake of finding someone to fall in love with seems both ineffective, cumbersome and somewhat disingenuous. 

I should probably mention that I did once have a relationship that started on a dating site and kept on going for over a year before I realised I didn't actually want to be with her (at which point I went through all sorts of agony before finally breaking it off). So I guess that's in part what I'm afraid of. 

Thanks a lot for the replies by the way. I agree that "mad love" is probably not the best guide to a good relationship. Will have to think about that.

Yeah, I understand then. When it's a close friend or someone you've known as a friend first for quite an important time period or rather that it has somehow deepened, normally it's quite huge, and it's not something that happens easily, and then telling that person...

And if it's someone you've kind of liked soon, and then a friendship is formed at the same time, it's still difficult to handle. Again, actually telling or not, thinking  if it's worth it...

Telling has always been an incredible big deal for me as well. The one time I was really rather confident and practically unnervous to do that, even if more by my actions than by my words but rather yes,  was bc there was a long friendship there, and so he knew me well and noticed it quickly, but nevermind, he was no longer interested in girls... So yeah, it's incredibly difficult.

So I suppose that those apps could help in that regard, and given the circumstances you mention. Since getting in the relationship is not something compulsory, I guess that the only harm if things go slowly is that you could like that person as a friend, and then lose him/her in the process if the other just wants something more. This and the awkwardness of what is going on since there isn't the excuse of "we met in non dating circumstances" or the other thing you mention which is somehow related......

I guess part of that "forced process" is something I dislike as well because I once started getting to know someone as a friend of a friend (not dating app though) and we started hanging around 3 or 4 times alone. He was handsome, but I was not interested, and never showed much active interest, rather I always acted in a purely friendly way, with zero flirting, not even very slightly. I noticed he once tried to flirt at the cinema, but I mantained the distances. However, he was kind, and I wanted to know him better. I thought, well, to know him as a friend. I mean I could not completely discard at that time "something more" in a future, but it was not something I was looking forward. After a couple of months and just 4 meetups, or rather "dates" for him:dunno: he insisted on me going to his appartment, etc, and I kindly refused because the tone in which he was saying that implied something more, even if he was not direct. Then he went passive-aggressive, telling me what was wrong with me, etc, as if I had ever given a sign back and cut contact with me, just Likes on Facebook from then on. It made me wonder from which dating background was he coming.

.........

Having new hobbies for that, I also understand. Maybe the best approach should be....I do something new that I really want to do with the prospect of learning sth new and  then knowing people. But doing this just for that can't work for the majority of people.

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