HexMachina Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 12 minutes ago, felice said: You haven't seen him in a month; there is no way any reasonable person could possibly think it's inappropriate to follow up on days of failure to reply. If he dislikes it, he's a lost cause, and it's better to find out sooner rather than later. Call him now, and if he's not apologetic and doesn't have a good reason for the lack of communication, you should probably dump him. You are absolutely not in the wrong here. Though it's theoretically possible he hasn't done anything wrong either; first step is to check whether he actually received your message about being back in the country. Wise words with which i completely agree. If it was a FB message you should be able to see if it was received and/or read too (via the little tick circle being filled, or his mini profile picture showing beside the message). I am one of those people who will respond to all messages almost immediately though, regardless of circumstances, so i may have the wrong perspective to comment on this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 9 minutes ago, felice said: You haven't seen him in a month; there is no way any reasonable person could possibly think it's inappropriate to follow up on days of failure to reply. If he dislikes it, he's a lost cause, and it's better to find out sooner rather than later. Call him now, and if he's not apologetic and doesn't have a good reason for the lack of communication, you should probably dump him. You are absolutely not in the wrong here. Though it's theoretically possible he hasn't done anything wrong either; first step is to check whether he actually received your message about being back in the country. As I said, we only went out together once, it is not like I have any reliable relationship to call on to or any right to be ... possessive or anything. I cannot "dump" him, we don't have any agreement about being together. And days of failure to reply are really only three days. I would think it would be appropriate to wait at least ... I don't know, a week before calling him? And of course I am not calling him now, it is almost eleven PM here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 4 minutes ago, HelenaExMachina said: Wise words with which i completely agree. If it was a FB message you should be able to see if it was received and/or read too (via the little tick circle being filled, or his mini profile picture showing beside the message). I am one of those people who will respond to all messages almost immediately though, regardless of circumstances, so i may have the wrong perspective to comment on this. It has a tick circle, not the tiny profile picture, which means he hasn't read it - but I see him logged in on FB sometimes because he has a green dot. Which is weird - who the hell is active on FB/messenger and doesn't read the messages they got? I think the likeliest explanation for this would be some weird facebook bug, honestly. Just in case it wasn't clear, we never before spoke on the phone, we always communicated via facebook messenger, and it was his idea to start communicating that way too. So I fear it would be doubly inappropriate to call him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
felice Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 4 minutes ago, Buckwheat said: It has a tick circle, not the tiny profile picture, which means he hasn't read it - but I see him logged in on FB sometimes because he has a green dot. Which is weird - who the hell is active on FB/messenger and doesn't read the messages they got? I think the likeliest explanation for this would be some weird facebook bug, honestly. Send him another message next time you see him online, then? Facebook is awful; I don't use messenger, but it regularly fails to show me all recent posts; I follow few enough people that it's very obvious stuff is missing. Bloody algorithms. But it wouldn't be inappropriate to call instead; he gave you his number for a reason! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 1 minute ago, felice said: Send him another message next time you see him online, then? Facebook is awful; I don't use messenger, but it regularly fails to show me all recent posts; I follow few enough people that it's very obvious stuff is missing. Bloody algorithms. But it wouldn't be inappropriate to call instead; he gave you his number for a reason! Nah, that would be like the third message from my side (when we were messaging back and forth when I was away, I also sent the last one), that would be weird. And also, I just don't want to be waiting for an answer, I wouldn't accomplish my goal of getting any response from him by sending another stupid message, I might just end up waiting for any response for days again. I gave him his number first, then he gave me his as a response! Thank you for not making me the crazy one in this situation! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
felice Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 2 minutes ago, Buckwheat said: I wouldn't accomplish my goal of getting any response from him by sending another stupid message, I might just end up waiting for any response for days again. You're planning to do that anyway! If he missed the message notification, he'll be glad to get a reminder, and you can still call if he doesn't reply. If you've only got three weeks of freedom, you don't want to waste too much time on waiting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 11 minutes ago, felice said: You're planning to do that anyway! If he missed the message notification, he'll be glad to get a reminder, and you can still call if he doesn't reply. Nah, I won't message him again, that would feel too much like nagging him. I will call him in two days. (And stress until then. I hate feeling like this! ) Quote If you've only got three weeks of freedom, you don't want to waste too much time on waiting. This! This makes the situation so much worse, I feel like time is being spent stupidly. I am even going to be alone a lot of the time, which would make it possible to hang at my place (other family members are going to be absent a lot), which would be great, and then the stupid person doesn't answer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Datepalm Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Text messages are the work of the devil and capitalism and we should all quit. As if we could. Case in point: careful silence vis a vis Mad Economist Guy for weeks (mine, his, who knows.) Short aside texted about a shift I want to make to the proposed methodology. My idea is better. He challenges it, I hold my ground, I win. An hour of deniably flirty texting ensues. Odd cupcake, that one. People who have met me - I mean, I have great hair. I have great tits. Don't I? I've been told I do. Seriously how does he manage to make intellectual exchanges so...dissatisfying? In other news, met a cute guy in a club/bar, like it's 1934 or something. Turns out to be a musician who owns the bar. My roommate knows him peripherally (or of him, anyway) and last she heard he has both a wife and a girlfriend. Erm. Well, she admits the news might be stale and we seem to be meeting up Friday for something (date? Networking? Who knows anymore. I'm tone deaf, so no help there) anyway. I leave in a week so I figure whatever. Practice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpaceChampion Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 @Datepalm What does "deniably flirty" even look like? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Datepalm Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 7 minutes ago, SpaceChampion said: @Datepalm What does "deniably flirty" even look like? Teasing, mostly, personal comments, reflections on character, habits and interactions, etc, all a bit sly and confrontational - I don't know about other people, but I don't talk like this to anyone I'm friends with (much less marginally senior colleagues) - but never crossing into anything really unequivocal? As far as I can tell, it seems to have been decided that we will just keep doing exactly this until one of us is dead. I seem to be into it, so I can't exactly complain. Although I will complain and almost certainly blow this up in some way sooner rather than later. Probably in November, just to put a date on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpaceChampion Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 9 minutes ago, Datepalm said: Teasing, mostly, personal comments, reflections on character, habits and interactions, etc, all a bit sly and confrontational - I don't know about other people, but I don't talk like this to anyone I'm friends with (much less marginally senior colleagues) - but never crossing into anything really unequivocal? As far as I can tell, it seems to have been decided that we will just keep doing exactly this until one of us is dead. I seem to be into it, so I can't exactly complain. Although I will complain and almost certainly blow this up in some way sooner rather than later. Probably in November, just to put a date on it. Sound like a more restrained form of the banter I do with my female friends whom I am not interested in romantically. But from that grows trust and affection. Sorry to say...... He might just think you're a buddy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Datepalm Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Just now, SpaceChampion said: Sound like a more restrained form of the banter I do with my female friends whom I am not interested in romantically. But from that grows trust and affection. Sorry to say...... He might just think you're a buddy. Unfortunately the backstory of this thing is kind of...past that. We're into weird unhelpful manipulative something or other. Maybe its just a way to pick up research collaborators . I've had weirder professors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 So I called him. It rang a long time, but he finally answered. He was apparently somewhere where he couldn't talk, so it was a very short conversation. He laughed sheepishly. He didn't recognise who was calling at first - he didn't fucking save my number?! He said he had forgotten about answering me and will contact me later today in the evening. So I guess I am back at waiting for any contact? But I am not too optimistic. Bleh. This whole thing is very disappointing and discouraging. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maithanet Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 1 hour ago, Buckwheat said: So I called him. It rang a long time, but he finally answered. He was apparently somewhere where he couldn't talk, so it was a very short conversation. He laughed sheepishly. He didn't recognise who was calling at first - he didn't fucking save my number?! He said he had forgotten about answering me and will contact me later today in the evening. So I guess I am back at waiting for any contact? But I am not too optimistic. Bleh. This whole thing is very disappointing and discouraging. That is disappointing. It sounds like, at best, he's not taking this very seriously. At this point I'd wait and hear what he has to say tonight (assuming he does call), but temper your expectations for sure. Sounds like he was seriously considering just ghosting, and that's unfortunate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Chatywin et al. Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 I have to agree with Maith. It sucks, but that’s life sometimes. Wait tonight for the call, and if it doesn’t come, forget him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 30 minutes ago, Maithanet said: That is disappointing. It sounds like, at best, he's not taking this very seriously. At this point I'd wait and hear what he has to say tonight (assuming he does call), but temper your expectations for sure. Sounds like he was seriously considering just ghosting, and that's unfortunate. 14 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said: I have to agree with Maith. It sucks, but that’s life sometimes. Wait tonight for the call, and if it doesn’t come, forget him. It is a shame, and apparently I misjudged him completely, because he seemed to me like a person who takes things seriously - that is what I liked about him! I barely ever find people I like. The next one will probably come once I am like 30. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Chatywin et al. Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 26 minutes ago, Buckwheat said: It is a shame, and apparently I misjudged him completely, because he seemed to me like a person who takes things seriously - that is what I liked about him! I barely ever find people I like. The next one will probably come once I am like 30. I’m 31 and single. It’s not the end of the world, though I am aware that my experiences are atypical of most of the people who post here. A word for the wise though, if someone is interested in you, you’ll know it unless the person is ultra-awkward and/or incredibly introverted. As you age it becomes easier to tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maarsen Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 1 hour ago, Tywin et al. said: I’m 31 and single. It’s not the end of the world, though I am aware that my experiences are atypical of most of the people who post here. A word for the wise though, if someone is interested in you, you’ll know it unless the person is ultra-awkward and/or incredibly introverted. As you age it becomes easier to tell. It also becomes easier to tell once you are in a relationship, whether in a good or bad one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 16 minutes ago, maarsen said: It also becomes easier to tell once you are in a relationship, whether in a good or bad one. And when you are single again, you lose this ability again, or what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Chatywin et al. Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 1 hour ago, Buckwheat said: And when you are single again, you lose this ability again, or what? I don't think that's what he's getting at. Can I ask how old you are and what's your longest relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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