Dating - I love the way you swipe

[Buckwheat]

20 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

I don't think that's what he's getting at. Can I ask how old you are and what's your longest relationship?

27, had only one relationship till now, which lasted less than two years. And old maid, so to speak ... people almost never like me, and as I said, I very rarely find people I like that way.

Aaaaaaaanyway, no call or message from the guy, so I suppose we can safely conclude him to be a ghosting douchebag. Is that right?

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

10 minutes ago, Buckwheat said:

27, had only one relationship till now, which lasted less than two years. And old maid, so to speak ... people almost never like me, and as I said, I very rarely find people I like that way.

I wouldn't be too worried about just being in one LTR at that age. I have many friends older than you who've only been in one or two. Honestly I think you just have to stop being so hard on yourself and potentially find a new means of meeting new suitors. And if a lack of confidence is holding you back, just follow the old saying: fake it till you make it.

Quote

Aaaaaaaanyway, no call or message from the guy, so I suppose we can safely conclude him to be a ghosting douchebag. Is that right?

Most likely. Sorry to hear that. He doesn't sound like a catch anyways. No serious caller is going to wait a month to get back to you.

[HexMachina]

6 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

So I called him. It rang a long time, but he finally answered. He was apparently somewhere where he couldn't talk, so it was a very short conversation. He laughed sheepishly. He didn't recognise who was calling at first - he didn't fucking save my number?! He said he had forgotten about answering me and will contact me later today in the evening.

So I guess I am back at waiting for any contact? But I am not too optimistic. Bleh. This whole thing is very disappointing and discouraging.

Well fuck him, he sounds like a riht arse. Ditch him. And if he rings you in say 2-3 days ignore him. Its a booty call

 

.You deserve and can do much better than him

[Buckwheat]

Thanks, people. You are the best. I spent the evening watching episodes of Friends and then I wanted to go to sleep, but I just ended up sobbing in my bed. How do Friends always find all these different people to go out with, and then just calmly move on to somebody else in the next episode? For me, I need a few months to determine if I even find somebody attractive, and then if I manage to go out with them (pah, speaking in plural, as if that even happened) even once, that means I am practically infatuated with them already and in my head, this is basically already a relationship.

23 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

I wouldn't be too worried about just being in one LTR at that age. I have many friends older than you who've only been in one or two. Honestly I think you just have to stop being so hard on yourself and potentially find a new means of meeting new suitors. And if a lack of confidence is holding you back, just follow the old saying: fake it till you make it.

Most likely. Sorry to hear that. He doesn't sound like a catch anyways. No serious caller is going to wait a month to get back to you.

I mean, only one LTR ... this was my only R. Also, TMI warning, the only person I did more than kiss, and the only person who even showed the tiniest bit of interest in more than kissing me. Now I fear that this might have been the best relationship I will ever have (and it was a good one!), and I threw it all away over about 500 km distance. But that might have been the stupidest thing I've ever done, if I never again find something nearly as good.

Oh, I have heard the "stop being so hard on yourself" plenty in my life. Never in this context though.

21 minutes ago, HelenaExMachina said:

Well fuck him, he sounds like a riht arse. Ditch him. And if he rings you in say 2-3 days ignore him. Its a booty call

 

.You deserve and can do much better than him

Thank you, H.

I have never had someone give me a booty call. Is it fun?

[HexMachina]

17 minutes ago, Buckwheat said:

Thanks, people. You are the best. I spent the evening watching episodes of Friends and then I wanted to go to sleep, but I just ended up sobbing in my bed. How do Friends always find all these different people to go out with, and then just calmly move on to somebody else in the next episode? For me, I need a few months to determine if I even find somebody attractive, and then if I manage to go out with them (pah, speaking in plural, as if that even happened) even once, that means I am practically infatuated with them already and in my head, this is basically already a relationship.

I mean, only one LTR ... this was my only R. Also, TMI warning, the only person I did more than kiss, and the only person who even showed the tiniest bit of interest in more than kissing me. Now I fear that this might have been the best relationship I will ever have (and it was a good one!), and I threw it all away over about 500 km distance. But that might have been the stupidest thing I've ever done, if I never again find something nearly as good.

Oh, I have heard the "stop being so hard on yourself" plenty in my life. Never in this context though.

Thank you, H.

I have never had someone give me a booty call. Is it fun?

They can be fun but I would advise against it with this dickweed. He seems like a ghoster and your respective positions/expectations are, imo, too at odds for this to work well.

Let me contextualise. You recall when Hector advises Greg to act more aloof so that Rebecca doesnt have the upper hand? And he does, and ends up treating her like shit and driving her away. Well that seems to be the situation here, only that is this person’s ordinary personality, not a misunderstanding

[maarsen]

15 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

And when you are single again, you lose this ability again, or what?

It is like riding a bike. Once you learn it stays with you. The trick is not to over think things and go with first impressions. 

And don't use Friends as a dating guide. Ugh. 

[Buckwheat]

12 minutes ago, maarsen said:

It is like riding a bike. Once you learn it stays with you. The trick is not to over think things and go with first impressions. 

And don't use Friends as a dating guide. Ugh. 

Yeah well, my first impression of this guy was that he isn't a douchebag, and yet here we are ... I feel way too old to be going through this.

[maarsen]

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

Yeah well, my first impression of this guy was that he isn't a douchebag, and yet here we are ... I feel way too old to be going through this.

My youngest daughter is your age and going through the same problem. It will get better.

[Buckwheat]

7 minutes ago, maarsen said:

My youngest daughter is your age and going through the same problem. It will get better.

Thanks for your kindness. I am sorry I snapped in my previous post.

[Maithanet]

Definitely don't use any example of dating from TV, and with Friends being a particularly bad choice.  They're all beautiful, with hundred dollar haircuts and thousand dollar outfits in inexplicably spacious New York apartments, with five beautiful friends who never fight and rarely go to work.  It's a charming fantasy. 

This reminds me of a joke someone told on the forum.  How do you attract women like Don Draper?

Step 1:  Be confident, suave and mysterious, like Don Draper.

Step 2 (and I cannot emphasize this enough):

Spoiler

Look like Don Draper.

One LTR at 27 doesn't sound particularly bad.  I know it sucks, but it is not unusual.  It is SO so easy to overthink things, and try and turn every little romantic development into The One, but you should try and keep your brain in line if possible.  Good luck!

[BigFatCoward]

This bloke sounds like a proper ball bag. Fuck him right off. 

[felice]

21 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

Well fuck him, he sounds like a riht arse. Ditch him. And if he rings you in say 2-3 days ignore him. Its a booty call.You deserve and can do much better than him

Yep.

21 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

How do Friends always find all these different people to go out with, and then just calmly move on to somebody else in the next episode? For me, I need a few months to determine if I even find somebody attractive, and then if I manage to go out with them (pah, speaking in plural, as if that even happened) even once, that means I am practically infatuated with them already and in my head, this is basically already a relationship.

Either because they're badly written* fictional characters, or because they're psychopaths; take your pick, and either way don't try to imitate them. It sounds like perhaps you need to be open to dating people before you've decided if you find them attractive or not, and see how things progress? You can always call it off if you conclude you're not ever going to become attracted to them. Does the term demisexual sound at all appropriate to you?

(* well, unrealistically written, which is what they need for that sort of show)

[Theda Baratheon]

22 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

27, had only one relationship till now, which lasted less than two years. And old maid, so to speak ... people almost never like me, and as I said, I very rarely find people I like that way.

Aaaaaaaanyway, no call or message from the guy, so I suppose we can safely conclude him to be a ghosting douchebag. Is that right?

I’m 25 and longest relationship I’ve ever had was 6 months. And it wasn’t even really a relationship, who knows what that was haha. No one seems to like me in that way either. And I hardly like anyone and if I do I’m always so awkward and shy. All this to say I think more people are like us than we think even if it doesn’t feel that way. 

[Theda Baratheon]

9 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

Yeah well, my first impression of this guy was that he isn't a douchebag, and yet here we are ... I feel way too old to be going through this.

Also you are not too old hahah. No way. 

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

23 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

I mean, only one LTR ... this was my only R. Also, TMI warning, the only person I did more than kiss, and the only person who even showed the tiniest bit of interest in more than kissing me. Now I fear that this might have been the best relationship I will ever have (and it was a good one!), and I threw it all away over about 500 km distance. But that might have been the stupidest thing I've ever done, if I never again find something nearly as good.

Oh, I have heard the "stop being so hard on yourself" plenty in my life. Never in this context though.

Well perhaps you do need to hear it in this context. Dating is hard for most people, and you don't need to beat yourself up because it hasn't gone well for you. You just need to keep your chin up and eventually it will work out. I'd also advise you not to regret the ending of your past relationship. Nothing good comes from that, and I'm speaking from a point of experience. I'd be a wreck if I regularly thought about the engagement that I ended.

Quote

I have never had someone give me a booty call. Is it fun?

It's very fun, but you have to be in the right place mentally and understand the lack of emotional attachment (which typically is harder for women than men). As someone with a degree in psychology who's also worked in a lab studying sex and relationships, I'd suggest avoiding them until you've had more experience, especially if you've only slept with one person before.

[BigFatCoward]

Only having had a few, or no relationships in your late 20s is nothing to be worried about. It shows you are discerning. 'Settling' will make you far less happy than being single. 

 

[Buckwheat]

Thank you all for your great answers, and those who PMed me. This forum is full of amazing, caring people.

Please don't worry, the comment about Friends was not meant like I would seriously want to shape my life according to a TV series.

18 hours ago, felice said:

It sounds like perhaps you need to be open to dating people before you've decided if you find them attractive or not, and see how things progress? You can always call it off if you conclude you're not ever going to become attracted to them. Does the term demisexual sound at all appropriate to you?

I see what you are saying, but why would I even invite somebody to a date if I don't find them attractive? Unless you mean I should first just be spending time together with somebody as friends and then decide to make something more of it - with which I agree, this sounds like a great development.

I have heard of that term. I am not entirely sure how it fits me. When I was in a relationship, I wanted sex a lot, and would probably want it even more now, and I relate to the "hungry cat" song a lot, my apologies for TMI. I just develop sexual feelings to somebody simultaneously with romantic ones, I guess,

Spoiler

although I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to sleeping with somebody outside of a relationship when I feel sad and lonely and emotional and need any form of human closeness. Or you know, just as a summer fling.

17 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Also you are not too old hahah. No way. 

Yeah, just feels like it when I just heard that a distant relative just gave birth to a baby, and another is pregnant, and they both have stable partners (one is married) and a household together and stuff ... and they are both younger than me.

 

[Liffguard]

I didn't start dating, at all, until I was 28. My longest relationship is 10 months. I fully understand the feeling of everyone around you finding their life partners and settling down when it seems so far away for you. I know it's a platitude, but everyone really does do things in their own time, and doing things later isn't doing them worse.

[felice]

7 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

I see what you are saying, but why would I even invite somebody to a date if I don't find them attractive? Unless you mean I should first just be spending time together with somebody as friends and then decide to make something more of it - with which I agree, this sounds like a great development.

I assume you have some general idea of the sort of person you might start finding attractive once you get to know them? The trouble with hanging out with someone as a friend is that it means them thinking of you as just a friend for months, and it might be hard for them to start seeing you differently. Have you tried dating sites?

[Toth]

13 hours ago, Liffguard said:

I didn't start dating, at all, until I was 28. My longest relationship is 10 months. I fully understand the feeling of everyone around you finding their life partners and settling down when it seems so far away for you. I know it's a platitude, but everyone really does do things in their own time, and doing things later isn't doing them worse.

Wow, that sounds a lot like my "experience". 26 and still nothing whatsoever. It is hard to escape the "By now I don't even have to bother anymore" idea. The thought that people will think you a weirdo is too intrusive and it's too easy to find excuses not to engage with anyone. You can't approach girls in high school because your ostracized status means that the best emotion to hope for was pity. You can't approach girls at university because you have to take care of your mother and everyone around you already is in a relationship anyway. And now at work life you can't make time to find people because you have no time whatsoever.