Dating - I love the way you swipe

[HexMachina]

4 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

Are you saying that these two things are mutually exclusive? I think these are two separate things: 1. Human desire can be stimpulated or suppressed easily. 2. Hook up culture is (at least partially) a myth. I do not think one excludes the possibility of the other. I am probably understanding you wrong somewhere.

I totally agree the problem is of intimacy and relationships, not only of sex. You are definitely not blockheaded in that.

Also, look at us, highly theoretically-minded people, instead of using the dating thread to search/offer practical advice, analysing an article in The Atlantic.

And then we peed on the Atlantic....

3 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I definitely think it’s just intimacy in general that a lot of people struggle with. I was thinking the other day about how many moments in my life are genuinely authentic...I’m always glued to my phone (because I’m bored depressed and isolated where I live) and even when I’m outside walking and visiting places I don’t seem to talk to people all that often and when I do it’s usually awkward and rushed. Other than my friends I don’t think I actually really LOOK at people when I talk to them, especially in work - it’s like I’m too embarrassed to even look at people. It’s ridiculous. I mean if I’m having a genuine conversation with someone I do but like...I don’t seem to have that many genuine conversations :| man I need to move LOL 

I also struggle to look directly at people. Even friends and family, I have to make a conscious effort and tell myself repeatedly to look at them when we are speaking. 

[Theda Baratheon]

15 minutes ago, HelenaExMachina said:

And then we peed on the Atlantic....

I also struggle to look directly at people. Even friends and family, I have to make a conscious effort and tell myself repeatedly to look at them when we are speaking. 

I mean I can look at people and hold eye contact with friends and family but I defjnitely find myself on my phone a lot and meeting new people/talking to customers in work I barely look at them at all. I don’t know what I’m worried about if I do 

[HexMachina]

14 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I mean I can look at people and hold eye contact with friends and family but I defjnitely find myself on my phone a lot and meeting new people/talking to customers in work I barely look at them at all. I don’t know what I’m worried about if I do 

For me it’s an intimacy thing. Something about looking directly at someone makes me feel very open and vulnerable and makes me horribly uncomfortable. I can avoid this by doing something as simple as looking to a point slightly to the left of their head but in closer quarters I tend to just look down at the ground. It’s not about being glued to a phone for me, it’s just intense discomfort from making eye contact

[Theda Baratheon]

58 minutes ago, HelenaExMachina said:

For me it’s an intimacy thing. Something about looking directly at someone makes me feel very open and vulnerable and makes me horribly uncomfortable. I can avoid this by doing something as simple as looking to a point slightly to the left of their head but in closer quarters I tend to just look down at the ground. It’s not about being glued to a phone for me, it’s just intense discomfort from making eye contact

I get that as well, to a degree - the feeling open and vulnerable 

[Buckwheat]

4 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

And then we peed on the Atlantic....

How did I just know you would make this reference when I saw you quoted me in this thread ...

Thinking about the issue about looking straight into somebody's eyes ... I realise I do not have a problem with that, but that might have to do with the fact that I teach and I am kind of in a position of power over the people I speak to most of the time.

But this discussion might be going off topic. So I am going to add that I agree with the article when it notes that living with one's parents might negatively impact one's romantic and sexual life. I am wondering if it is even possible to have a successful one when living with one's parents. I mean, I guess it is, since many people manage that way, but for me, the time when I lived far away from them was the only time I managed to develop anything into that direction. It is much easier.

[Theda Baratheon]

3 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

How did I just know you would make this reference when I saw you quoted me in this thread ...

Thinking about the issue about looking straight into somebody's eyes ... I realise I do not have a problem with that, but that might have to do with the fact that I teach and I am kind of in a position of power over the people I speak to most of the time.

But this discussion might be going off topic. So I am going to add that I agree with the article when it notes that living with one's parents might negatively impact one's romantic and sexual life. I am wondering if it is even possible to have a successful one when living with one's parents. I mean, I guess it is, since many people manage that way, but for me, the time when I lived far away from them was the only time I managed to develop anything into that direction. It is much easier.

Lmao yeah I can’t imagine having any kind of sex life when I still live at home in my tiny childhood bedroom - can’t wait to leave tbh 

[Starkess]

Funny, my sister just texted me that article earlier today. She is really worried about it, while I was kind of like, shrug. If people wanna have less sex, fine? Also I had tons of sex when I was single and have tons of sex in my relationship, even though I was a bit of a late bloomer in that department. I dunno, I guess I just don't get that alarmist about it. I think it would be more concerning if people wanted to have sex and weren't getting it (which obviously happens, but the article seemed more focused on the fact that people are wanting it less).

[Liffguard]

I've had a weird month dating-wise. The "let's get back to my place so we can get naked and fuck" woman ended up becoming single pretty soon after that night out, at which point I was more than happy to hook up. So we ended up doing that for a couple of weeks that were a lot of fun. But the funny thing is that actually I ended up looking forward to the weird rambling conversations we had more than the actual sex. And neither of us were looking for a relationship with the other, so we've decided that we make way better friends than anything else. That doesn't preclude further hook ups, and we were both happy to keep doing that every now and again...

Except...

That friend I've been head over heels for. The one that I finally got the nerve to ask out. The one that kindly but very firmly turned me down.

That friend came back to me earlier this week asking if the date offer was still on the table. So we're going out tomorrow and I'm currently dedicating most of my mental energy to not freaking the fuck out. I'm really happy she's apparently changed her mind. But if it ends up not working out, that's gonna hurt way worse than coming to terms with the initial rejection. Still, I have to give it a shot, couldn't live with myself if I didn't.

And here's the thing, in addition to these two developments, I've had at least two other women casually expressing an interest. That's more female attention in the last month than in the previous two and a half years. What's changed? The only thing I can think of is that I've grown a beard. That's it. Was that seriously the missing component this whole time?

[Buckwheat]

18 hours ago, Starkess said:

Funny, my sister just texted me that article earlier today. She is really worried about it, while I was kind of like, shrug. If people wanna have less sex, fine? Also I had tons of sex when I was single and have tons of sex in my relationship, even though I was a bit of a late bloomer in that department. I dunno, I guess I just don't get that alarmist about it. I think it would be more concerning if people wanted to have sex and weren't getting it (which obviously happens, but the article seemed more focused on the fact that people are wanting it less).

I don't think the article was that much about people wanting it less as opposed to some people being easily satisfied with the next best thing (consumption of pornography). I would not call that not wanting it, I would think it proves that people actually do want it but have trouble finding intimacy and by extension sex.

Maybe I have it all wrong though.

[Ser Reptitious]

45 minutes ago, Liffguard said:

And here's the thing, in addition to these two developments, I've had at least two other women casually expressing an interest. That's more female attention in the last month than in the previous two and a half years. What's changed? The only thing I can think of is that I've grown a beard. That's it. Was that seriously the missing component this whole time?

You might be exuding more confidence as a result of the friends-with-benefits situation, which then snow-balled (in a positive sense). Confidence in oneself (not to be confused with arrogance, of course) seems to be one of those etheral things that help to create attraction. 

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

1 hour ago, Liffguard said:

I've had a weird month dating-wise. The "let's get back to my place so we can get naked and fuck" woman ended up becoming single pretty soon after that night out, at which point I was more than happy to hook up. So we ended up doing that for a couple of weeks that were a lot of fun. But the funny thing is that actually I ended up looking forward to the weird rambling conversations we had more than the actual sex. And neither of us were looking for a relationship with the other, so we've decided that we make way better friends than anything else. That doesn't preclude further hook ups, and we were both happy to keep doing that every now and again...

Except...

That friend I've been head over heels for. The one that I finally got the nerve to ask out. The one that kindly but very firmly turned me down.

That friend came back to me earlier this week asking if the date offer was still on the table. So we're going out tomorrow and I'm currently dedicating most of my mental energy to not freaking the fuck out. I'm really happy she's apparently changed her mind. But if it ends up not working out, that's gonna hurt way worse than coming to terms with the initial rejection. Still, I have to give it a shot, couldn't live with myself if I didn't.

And here's the thing, in addition to these two developments, I've had at least two other women casually expressing an interest. That's more female attention in the last month than in the previous two and a half years. What's changed? The only thing I can think of is that I've grown a beard. That's it. Was that seriously the missing component this whole time?

Weird? That's an odd choice of words to describe the last month. You gained a FWB and a shot with a real crush plus you're getting more attention. I'd call it awesome, not weird.

[maarsen]

1 hour ago, Liffguard said:

I've had a weird month dating-wise. The "let's get back to my place so we can get naked and fuck" woman ended up becoming single pretty soon after that night out, at which point I was more than happy to hook up. So we ended up doing that for a couple of weeks that were a lot of fun. But the funny thing is that actually I ended up looking forward to the weird rambling conversations we had more than the actual sex. And neither of us were looking for a relationship with the other, so we've decided that we make way better friends than anything else. That doesn't preclude further hook ups, and we were both happy to keep doing that every now and again...

Except...

That friend I've been head over heels for. The one that I finally got the nerve to ask out. The one that kindly but very firmly turned me down.

That friend came back to me earlier this week asking if the date offer was still on the table. So we're going out tomorrow and I'm currently dedicating most of my mental energy to not freaking the fuck out. I'm really happy she's apparently changed her mind. But if it ends up not working out, that's gonna hurt way worse than coming to terms with the initial rejection. Still, I have to give it a shot, couldn't live with myself if I didn't.

And here's the thing, in addition to these two developments, I've had at least two other women casually expressing an interest. That's more female attention in the last month than in the previous two and a half years. What's changed? The only thing I can think of is that I've grown a beard. That's it. Was that seriously the missing component this whole time?

People tend to find someone attractive if they exude that certain something that says 'I am in a relationship. That's why I am not noticing you'.  Of course it could be the beard too and you have just become the anti-Pence; someone who should not be seated next to women lest an uncontrollable reaction is sparked.

[Liffguard]

21 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

Weird? That's an odd choice of words to describe the last month. You gained a FWB and a shot with a real crush plus you're getting more attention. I'd call it awesome, not weird.

I don't necessarily consider those words to be mutually exclusive.

And for what it's worth, I'm mostly taking the piss about the beard thing. Mostly.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

3 minutes ago, Liffguard said:

I don't necessarily consider those words to be mutually exclusive.

And for what it's worth, I'm mostly taking the piss about the beard thing. Mostly.

I had to shave mine last night for a work thing. Was four weeks strong and looking awesome. 

[Erik of Hazelfield]

I grew a beard a month ago and since then I’ve hooked up with a girl who in no uncertain terms said I looked hot in it. That’s the first time since summer since I hooked up with anyone, so I say it’s the beard. 

[Maithanet]

On 11/16/2018 at 4:22 PM, Liffguard said:

That friend came back to me earlier this week asking if the date offer was still on the table. So we're going out tomorrow and I'm currently dedicating most of my mental energy to not freaking the fuck out. I'm really happy she's apparently changed her mind. But if it ends up not working out, that's gonna hurt way worse than coming to terms with the initial rejection. Still, I have to give it a shot, couldn't live with myself if I didn't.

So I'm almost afraid to ask, but I have to.  How did it go?  Did she explain her change of heart?  Do you think that you have idealized her to the extent that having healthy interactions with her might not be possible?*

*  This last one might totally not apply, but it's definitely a concern with longtime crushes that eventually develop into more. 

[Datepalm]

I was mildly freaked out by the Atlantic piece, and decided I do not want to be a millennial netflix-induced celibacy statistic, so I have a midday coffee date at my 4th favourite cafe (I don't want to potentially ruin one of my good ones) Wednesday with an affable seeming fellow whose texting rapport includes references to marxist geography and working very weird hours in the cannabis industry. I do not know which of these are pluses and which are minuses.

[Lily Valley]

On 10/26/2018 at 10:57 PM, Triskele said:

@.H. - Bakker fandom presumably complicates dating.  Do you have any advice for how/when to introduce this matter to a significant other?  

Never.  Not.  Ever.  This is my opinion and it is correct.

On 11/3/2018 at 5:01 AM, larrytheimp said:

The great thing about silly deal breakers is that once you stack them high enough it's functionally the same thing as having high standards.  And instead of coming across as arrogant, it comes off as quirky and fun.  

Some of mine own seemingly trivial dealbreakers (most of these are dating app related)

-sports fandom picture

-50% or more pictures with snap chat filters

-lists 'laughing, having fun, and hanging out with friends' as an interest (I should probably drop this one because like half of all people out there peddle this bland drivel)

-Dave Matthews Band

-dislikes the movie Dumb and Dumber

-says they like all music 'except rap and country'

-requests dickpic but then complains about the dragon wings and fangs I added in MS Paint

-uses more than one of the following phrases:

+ 'day drinking' (am I 'night posting' or 'morning eating' now too?)

+ 'partner in crime'

+ 'work hard play hard'

+ That quote about missing all the shots you don't take or something something strikes

////////

The most common dealbreakers I see are not loving the tv shows The Office or Parks and Rec.  I have watched a couple episodes (like maybe  3 max) of the Office and it was funny, but can't say I love it or am more than passingly familiar of it, I've never seen Parks and Rec.

 

I'm with you right there sir, but add a + for "sleeps around the clock at least one day a week" or "Have hobbies I won't bore you with"

On 11/4/2018 at 3:46 PM, Erik of Hazelfield said:

This is sort of what makes me stand using dating apps. What’s a dealbreaker to you might be a dealmaker for someone else. I’m trying to think like that so I won’t feel so horrible swiping people away.

I’m sure there are plenty of guys who are into girls taking selfies at the gym while making the same duckface in every picture. I just don’t happen to be one of them.

Aren't they supposed to be paired with the "guy with fish" people?  Also, WHY IS YOUR CAMERA OUT AT THE GYM?  IT'S SO RUDE.  I AM HERE TO EXERCISE AND YOUR CAMERA IS OUT.  FFS MY FACE IS PURPLE AND I'M TRYING TO DO A HEADSTAND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 10 YEARS.

Summer crush girl is single.  BE STILL MY HEART!!!!  Gawd she is awesome.  I'm not driving straight back to Huntsville to howl outside her window.  I SWEAR I'M NOT.

[Liffguard]

4 hours ago, Maithanet said:

So I'm almost afraid to ask, but I have to.  How did it go?  Did she explain her change of heart?  Do you think that you have idealized her to the extent that having healthy interactions with her might not be possible?*

*  This last one might totally not apply, but it's definitely a concern with longtime crushes that eventually develop into more. 

I...have absolutely no idea. It was a good day out, I just don't think it was a good date. I had fun, she said she had fun. But it was no different from dozens of other fun days out we've had together as friends. She's said she doesn't want to kiss or escalate to any other sort of affection, which is fine, totally her right to decide that. But I wonder what's actually changed then, if we're just acting exactly the way we were as friends anyway.

Okay, this next bit is gonna make her sound like a bit of an arsehole, which isn't my intention, but it's left me super confused. Whilst we were talking she confessed she'd hooked up with someone literally the previous night. Which, again, okay she can decide to do that if she wants. We're not in a relationship, I have no claim to any fidelity at this point. But did I really need to know? Why even bring it up at all? It's the sort of thing we'd have been totally okay talking about as friends, which basically just further increased my impression that this was just a friends' day out. Like, my gut says she's not interested in me at all, she gave absolutely no sign that she was interested. The only thing I had to go on was that this was her idea, she asked me out completely out of the blue.

And then we were in a group setting yesterday. She was being super flirty with a bunch of other people, and almost entirely ignoring me. So yeah, every indication is that she isn't interested. And honestly I'd be happy to leave it at that, except she's also said she wants to go out again. What the fuck? I just want to know where I stand.

Edit: I definitely don't need to worry about idealising her. I really like her, but I'm very aware of her numerous flaws. Many of them are endearing, many aren't, but perfect she ain't.

Edit 2: When did my life become such a fucking soap opera?

[Theda Baratheon]

Well I have a date next week...I think! 

Asked out by someone i used to go college with years ago. I think it’s a date - he did call me cute  so hopefully that isnt disastrous - I’m too tired of being nervous and flaky when people ask me out so this time I was just like Yep okay let’s do it