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Dating - I love the way you swipe

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The great thing about silly deal breakers is that once you stack them high enough it's functionally the same thing as having high standards.  And instead of coming across as arrogant, it comes off as quirky and fun.  

Some of mine own seemingly trivial dealbreakers (most of these are dating app related)

-sports fandom picture

-50% or more pictures with snap chat filters

-lists 'laughing, having fun, and hanging out with friends' as an interest (I should probably drop this one because like half of all people out there peddle this bland drivel)

-Dave Matthews Band

-dislikes the movie Dumb and Dumber

-says they like all music 'except rap and country'

-requests dickpic but then complains about the dragon wings and fangs I added in MS Paint

-uses more than one of the following phrases:

+ 'day drinking' (am I 'night posting' or 'morning eating' now too?)

+ 'partner in crime'

+ 'work hard play hard'

+ That quote about missing all the shots you don't take or something something strikes

////////

The most common dealbreakers I see are not loving the tv shows The Office or Parks and Rec.  I have watched a couple episodes (like maybe  3 max) of the Office and it was funny, but can't say I love it or am more than passingly familiar of it, I've never seen Parks and Rec.

 

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- pic with hat, pic with dog, pic in car, pic with fish, pic of penis, pic of flexing muscles.

That's about 60% of em out.

I tried to make my profile a little lighter and less like a summary of my research interests on Linkedin, and added 'looking for someone to hitchhike with' to convey an air of daredevlishness and unconventionality, yet also, I suppose (I did not think about it that much at the time, post-hoc textual analysis here) a certain playfulness and feminine-tinged fragility and neediness. I keep getting oddly serious texts going, like, 'Why are you hitchhking? That seems dangerous and inconvenient. Where do you need to hitchhike? You could drive there, you know. I'll drive you if it helps.'

I'm chalking that one up to, uh, cultural gaps. I suppose I need to fix the profile again, but I find that really annoying to do for some reason.

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23 hours ago, Datepalm said:

- pic with hat, pic with dog, pic in car, pic with fish, pic of penis, pic of flexing muscles.

That's about 60% of em out.

I tried to make my profile a little lighter and less like a summary of my research interests on Linkedin, and added 'looking for someone to hitchhike with' to convey an air of daredevlishness and unconventionality, yet also, I suppose (I did not think about it that much at the time, post-hoc textual analysis here) a certain playfulness and feminine-tinged fragility and neediness. I keep getting oddly serious texts going, like, 'Why are you hitchhking? That seems dangerous and inconvenient. Where do you need to hitchhike? You could drive there, you know. I'll drive you if it helps.'

I'm chalking that one up to, uh, cultural gaps. I suppose I need to fix the profile again, but I find that really annoying to do for some reason.

Pics with dogs are a massive plus for me. 

Why would this be bad?! 

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2 hours ago, lessthanluke said:

Pics with dogs are a massive plus for me. 

Why would this be bad?! 

More of a cat person? *Shrugs*

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This is sort of what makes me stand using dating apps. What’s a dealbreaker to you might be a dealmaker for someone else. I’m trying to think like that so I won’t feel so horrible swiping people away.

I’m sure there are plenty of guys who are into girls taking selfies at the gym while making the same duckface in every picture. I just don’t happen to be one of them.

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Oh, yeah - there's nothing wrong with pic with dog (I have stronger opinions on pic in car). Its a totally personal random tic. I'm not a dog person, I get annoyed with people who are like obsessed with their pets, I'm (at the shallowest, most aesthetic of levels) not into the aw-shuckness, I'm-a-chill-dude persona I somehow read a pic-with-dog as being meant to convey, and that's pretty much it.

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On 11/4/2018 at 4:46 PM, Erik of Hazelfield said:

I’m sure there are plenty of guys who are into girls taking selfies at the gym while making the same duckface in every picture. I just don’t happen to be one of them.

I have no idea how duckface caught on.  It's like "Look, I'm doing this thing which makes me less attractive!"

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10 minutes ago, Maithanet said:

I have no idea how duckface caught on.  It's like "Look, I'm doing this thing which makes me less attractive!"

And a twat. 

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3 hours ago, Datepalm said:

This was an incredibly interesting read - thanks for sharing it. Is actually made me feel a lot less like a freak of nature and a lot more like I’m just like everyone else which I really needed to know. Even though a lot of the reasons are quite sad and worrying ultimately this makes me feel a lot less alone 

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4 hours ago, Datepalm said:

Agreed. Though I must admit, while it might be relieving to see that you aren't the only person plagued by worries like this, it was also quite terrifying just how much I saw myself in the parts about the vicious cycle of anxiety or about you are propelled to prioritize everything else above relationships (and really, I'm thinking this is actually the main reason here). I mean how exactly are you supposed to invest in any kind of relationships if you already work 5 days a week and still have to make homework and preparation on the weekends and then get hit by bouts of depression and self-loathing in your scarce off-time?

Then that line about "if you don't have intercourse at the age of 25, there is a reasonable chance you won't until the age of 45". Great, still 5 months left... I guess I'll just have to continue in my so far rather unsuccessful struggle of trying to ignore these ingrained ideas that you have to have made these experiences. There is a fair chance that intimacy would just make me feel even more miserable, so why do I still have these ridiculous moments where these 'you are missing something' thoughts pop up... I wish I could just turn them off.

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Yeah, somewhat similar reaction...I thought the point about apps and games was also interesting.

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I finallly finished reading it, I thought it was much shorter this evening and later I realised it had different parts!

Interesting, I had read about that in another place not a long ago.

Edited by Meera of Tarth

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Yes, very interesting (and yes, long!) article, thanks for linking. I ... recognise myself in some parts, but it is really way too late to comment more. I am interested to see if there will be more discussion about it.

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What I found a little odd though is how the author repeatedly fell back on saying how easy human desire can be stimulated or suppressed... despite the fact that she herself early on debunked this whole 'hook up culture' nonsense as generally being a myth. This coincides with studies I had seen some years ago about younger generations becoming increasingly conservative in terms of their ideal relationships. They want to find a partner fit for a long-term relationship, but aren't able to invest much time into finding one or self-sabotage their efforts. This really isn't a sex problem, but a problem of intimacy and relationships, or am I too blockheaded again?

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3 hours ago, Toth said:

What I found a little odd though is how the author repeatedly fell back on saying how easy human desire can be stimulated or suppressed... despite the fact that she herself early on debunked this whole 'hook up culture' nonsense as generally being a myth. This coincides with studies I had seen some years ago about younger generations becoming increasingly conservative in terms of their ideal relationships. They want to find a partner fit for a long-term relationship, but aren't able to invest much time into finding one or self-sabotage their efforts. This really isn't a sex problem, but a problem of intimacy and relationships, or am I too blockheaded again?

Are you saying that these two things are mutually exclusive? I think these are two separate things: 1. Human desire can be stimpulated or suppressed easily. 2. Hook up culture is (at least partially) a myth. I do not think one excludes the possibility of the other. I am probably understanding you wrong somewhere.

I totally agree the problem is of intimacy and relationships, not only of sex. You are definitely not blockheaded in that. ;)

Also, look at us, highly theoretically-minded people, instead of using the dating thread to search/offer practical advice, analysing an article in The Atlantic. :P

Edited by Buckwheat

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I definitely think it’s just intimacy in general that a lot of people struggle with. I was thinking the other day about how many moments in my life are genuinely authentic...I’m always glued to my phone (because I’m bored depressed and isolated where I live) and even when I’m outside walking and visiting places I don’t seem to talk to people all that often and when I do it’s usually awkward and rushed. Other than my friends I don’t think I actually really LOOK at people when I talk to them, especially in work - it’s like I’m too embarrassed to even look at people. It’s ridiculous. I mean if I’m having a genuine conversation with someone I do but like...I don’t seem to have that many genuine conversations :| man I need to move LOL 

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3 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I definitely think it’s just intimacy in general that a lot of people struggle with. I was thinking the other day about how many moments in my life are genuinely authentic...I’m always glued to my phone (because I’m bored depressed and isolated where I live) and even when I’m outside walking and visiting places I don’t seem to talk to people all that often and when I do it’s usually awkward and rushed. Other than my friends I don’t think I actually really LOOK at people when I talk to them, especially in work - it’s like I’m too embarrassed to even look at people. It’s ridiculous. I mean if I’m having a genuine conversation with someone I do but like...I don’t seem to have that many genuine conversations :| man I need to move LOL 

I agree with the intimacy issue all of you are commenting, and in all human-kind dimensions: workplace, friendship, romantic...

About phone sin particular....I think the "problem" with the phones is quite generalised nowadays, unfortunately.

Whenever I'm meeting anyone I try to pay attention to the person in particular I'm with and I try not to look at the phone at all (or barely) during those hours. The majority of cases they not look at theirs or they do just one or two times while not in the middle of the talk, which is quite fine. But I've been in situations (fortunately not many) in which the person could not resist the temptation to use it more....even when talking to them. And it was curious since the person in particular I was thinking about is a close friend. So if she was not that and I was getting to know her I'd automatically perceive her as rude. That's why I want to think that part of that behaviour is due to us being glued at them, and that this inevitably leads to people having more trouble giving genuine attention when in face to face interactions.

And I've seen myself in this situation as well, although for some reason only with my parents, my mother happens to not have a phone at all defying all the physics' rules, or, in the case of my father not liking whatsapp/instagram and those things at all (just use the former for basic comunication, but then again I've seen him using "playful"/"war code" replies to his work collegues, to then end up ranting, "they can't live without a group of that or what?!").

For instance, they'd be talking to me about whatever and I'd be distracted looking at the internet, whatsapp and I would not know what they were talking about. Sometimes it's curious because they were actually talking about how people and friends they know around their age can be so stuck to the phones (and instagram!) and then they finally confirm that young generations are completely "lost" due to that, thinking I'm like this all the time. So, to expand this concept, these behaviours that all of us can relate with also lead to not necessarily good perceptions, and all becomes a vicious circle, because the more we see those patterns, the more we will feel less comfortable, more suspicious, and so on; which is not a good basis for genuine intercations. And that's bad, because maybe one is not like that rude at all, but that's the perception you'll give to the other/s.

And that's why I try not look at the phone when I'm with others, and I've communicated this to some people. I think it's good they know. 

..............

And also about intimacy and relationships in general, I don't know if there is a trend in younger generations (it looks so and I think it is) but I think that ultimately it depends a lot  on the person's personality and their good/bad experiences around that. Also, the use of alcohol in the cases of shy (and not so shy) people, which is a classic.

Not only that, I think it also depends on the current cicumstances of the person. For instance, even if in general changes like that are quite extraordinary, I think that having a conservative/reserved attitude versus a "having sex with everyone" attitude can change in the same person. Probably not moving to the other extreme, though.

Now I was remembering a "dating show" I was watching the other day, that I never watch but I did for the very first time.

It was curious that the older couple that were paired (in their sixties and 70) were very clear about their intentions and even said that they didn't necessarily expect something romantic or sexual from that. That they'd like to know the person, emphasizing that they kind of wanted a friend first.

There were two younger "couples". In one the guy was quite traditional and reserved and the girl extremely straighforward. In their comments off-camera she said that she'd likely dismiss him because he had not responsed positively to the "having sex in certain positions and/more people all at once" with the energy she expected. He said, off-camera, that he was not like that, and that he was surprised to some statements, but still tried to be diplomatic (because as a guy he is not supposed to be the other way around?)

 The other one, the guy's first stament off-camera was that he was looking for big boobs in a relationship and the girl that she had not had very luck in love and that he wanted a caring boyfriend...... I could not help but think, okay, knowing that, why did they pair them like this and not with the other?

So from this weird example and the article I reckon that what maybe people don't see is that there is much more people than we thought of on the "reserved" attitude, just that is not something that is applauded by society and thus, people won't comment about that.

4 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

Also, look at us, highly theoretically-minded people, instead of using the dating thread to search/offer practical advice, analysing an article in The Atlantic. :P

:P 

.........

There were some parts of the article that really made me feel so bad. For instance, that girl who was saying that she had been finding some men choking her for pleasure or something along those lines, due to some porn they had been watching and that these young men had internalised.

Also, about many women feeling pain and not being able to talk about it, or not doing anything against it, which only leads to more of the same absurd stuff going on.

It's kind of sad, actually, for everyone.

 

 

Edited by Meera of Tarth

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4 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

Are you saying that these two things are mutually exclusive? I think these are two separate things: 1. Human desire can be stimpulated or suppressed easily. 2. Hook up culture is (at least partially) a myth. I do not think one excludes the possibility of the other. I am probably understanding you wrong somewhere.

I totally agree the problem is of intimacy and relationships, not only of sex. You are definitely not blockheaded in that. ;)

Also, look at us, highly theoretically-minded people, instead of using the dating thread to search/offer practical advice, analysing an article in The Atlantic. :P

And then we peed on the Atlantic....

3 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I definitely think it’s just intimacy in general that a lot of people struggle with. I was thinking the other day about how many moments in my life are genuinely authentic...I’m always glued to my phone (because I’m bored depressed and isolated where I live) and even when I’m outside walking and visiting places I don’t seem to talk to people all that often and when I do it’s usually awkward and rushed. Other than my friends I don’t think I actually really LOOK at people when I talk to them, especially in work - it’s like I’m too embarrassed to even look at people. It’s ridiculous. I mean if I’m having a genuine conversation with someone I do but like...I don’t seem to have that many genuine conversations :| man I need to move LOL 

I also struggle to look directly at people. Even friends and family, I have to make a conscious effort and tell myself repeatedly to look at them when we are speaking. 

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