NFL 2018 Preseason: Now With More Jace Meltdowns!

[Jace, Extat]

Did you guys know Steve Wilks is black?

I had no idea.

[unJon]

Hard Knocks effect is hitting Cleveland. Bettors in Vegas has driven the season total over/under wins for them from the opening of 5.5 games down to 4.5 games. 

[sperry]

10 minutes ago, unJon said:

Hard Knocks effect is hitting Cleveland. Bettors in Vegas has driven the season total over/under wins for them from the opening of 5.5 games down to 4.5 games. 

It's been at that number for a while, and honestly that's probably a little low. You are changing arguably the worst full season starting QB in NFL history with a totally solid, reasonable NFL starter. That alone is worth many wins.  Browns were -28 in turnover margin last year, and Tyrod Taylor has the lowest interception rate of any QB in NFL history.

 

I mean they aren't going to be a good team, but 6-10 or 7-9 is very much on the table.

[Jace, Extat]

NFC East:

The shitload of flyover states with 3 electoral college, 2 senators, and the population of a minor city? That's what the NFC East is. Just completely contrary to any democratic sensibilities. "Well that's how it always WAAAAAS" So these shithole undesirables get way more attention than they should, which ends up being 'some'.

Dallas-

The most overrated team in the history of organized competition. The Leonidas Spartans didn't get as much ball-fondling Olympic hype after he threw a spear 3000 goddamn yards as the Cowboys get each and every year. Every game is the game the Cowboys are gonna put it all together. Remember when they were 1-7 a few years back and people were actually picking them to make the playoffs still? That fucking happened. Tony Romo, the most benign dude ever to be real good at football was annually lampooned for an inability to drag a horrifically imbalanced team to the SB until he was replaced by a BLACK. And of course after having a completely routine 'sophomore slump' in which there were no receivers to throw the football to we are hearing that Dak 'can't make reads' and other vaguely racist dogwhistles. Nevermind that his #1 WR last year was a tie between a TE so old it looked like he was moving through jello and a dime store Danny Amendola knockoff slot receiver. And not good Amendola either, not Danny 'Playoff' Amendola. Week 9 against the Titans Amendola, who is good for 5 targets and 6 yards.

Ezekiel Elliot has stopped stress eating because he might get in trouble for being rapey and shit, the O-line should be healthy, there are no receivers left on the roster. Somehow Elliot is going to catch 137 passes this year, which actually isn't a bad idea. Watch him tear his ACL in week 16, JUST missing breaking Marvin Harrison's single-season receptions record. This offense is going to be runs to the left and screen passes to the left.

The defense is still whatever. How is this team in Cap hell every year? They have like three genuinely good players... What the fuck. Oh, and one of the many indefinitely suspended DE's is supposed to be back or something. I hope he isn't photographed with a white powdery substance in the background or he'll be dragged to the goddamn guillotine, a far better thing that he does than he has ever done and a far better rest that he goes to than he has ever known. 

The Cowboys are a POWERHOUSE 8-8 team.

 

Washington-

Upgraded their QB room with Alex Smith but, because it's Washington, was a GIGANTIC mistake because Alex Smith is marginally better than Kirk Cousins but over half a decade older. Jace cannot in good conscience condone this move, even though she would take Smith over Cousins for a game next week. Terrell Pryor was a disaster, apparently playing with torn ligaments and ultimately breaking his ankle, also everyone hates him because he's Terrell Pryor.

The WR room was real good like 2 years ago and now it's a ghost town.

Josh Norman is still there.

I would say that Washington is a 4-6 win team, but I actually have difficulty seeing an Alex Smith team win less than 8 games.

 

New Yawk-

The Giants were like watching Alex Jones clips last year. Just endless migraine inducing madness with no semblance of coherence. Benching Eli Manning for GENO SMITH the game before he would have broken his Brothers' consecutive start streak (behind Favre) is just some fucking insanity riddled shit, and that little smile on McAdoo's face was disgusting. Jace is no fan of Eli Manning, he's a scamming piece of shit and has been a replacement level QB his entire career. That said... GENO SMITH!?! HOLY SHIT

The franchise treats one of the best players in a generation like shit because he's an uppity colored, and took a RB at #2 overall... Look. You can take a RB in the top-5. You can totally do that. But if you're doing that after paying Nate Soldier the highest OL contract in the history of the sport... maybe you needed to look in a different direction. That's a move you make when your team had a random disaster season, like the Cowboys a few years back, and you've got an offense in place that could just take a mammoth leap forward with this dynamic playmaker.

It's not something you should do when you have a 3 years-past-his-prime 'franchise' QB who can't throw or move no more. It's not even a Peyton situation, where even after his arm fell off in late 2014 you knew he could provide mental/charismatic advantages. Eli has always been like a version of Peyton that had none of the strengths and nothing unique to contribute.

Jason Pierre Paul got sent to the hell that is Tampa after the defense fucking disintegrated from a good season in 2016. The 2nd string nobody QB has been running his mouth all over town about how he was promised playing time by Benney McAdoo. The 1st round corner from a few years back was called a cancer. I just don't care, and I couldn't name a LB on this squad if there was a gun to my head.

Giants are a generous 7 win team.

 

Philly-

For like 20 years or something I was convinced that the English burned down either Philly or Boston in the war of 1812, which was at the time the capitol of the nation. Well, I googled it finally a few years ago. Turns out it was D.C. Now I know. Gawd, but American history is fucking boring. I actually had to take a 'Texas History' class in COLLEGE because I had the poor judgement to attend university in that godforsaken Trump boil. 'Used to be Mexico. Then was own country for like 10 minutes. Then joined Union. Overinflated sense of importance ever since. Remember the Alamo. GOT IT!!!!'

That brings us back to Philly, the most interestingly boring QB room in the league. Nick Foles is Nick Foles, the single-game TD passing record holder. Superbowl MVP, the only QB in the history of the sport to stand toe to toe with Tom Brady in the biggest game and be BETTER. Dopey Manning won the matchup a couple of times, but it was the defense that won those games with an admirable effort from the QB. Foles stepped up to the plate, swept his hair back like a greasy Ben McAdoo, and put his dick on the table. Jace can't overstate how impressive that performance was, even with Malcolm Buttler getting Belichicked.

That being said, if someone actually offered a 1st round pick for Foles (as was vaguely reported), the Iggles should have taken that shit laughing. Not only do you get a potential schism off the roster, because god forbid Wentz struggle coming back from injury, but you get A FIRST ROUND PICK for a guy who had the game of his life. Take that 100% of the time. I'd have taken a 2nd rounder and a good player, like the Alex Smith trade.

O-line is still pretty great. Lane Johnson is coming back. Jace likes Jay Aijai, she has a good habit of random hunches on when to play him in fantasy. The WR's are a whole bunch of 'eehhhh' with Alshon 'eeehhhh' Jeffery coming back from injury and likely on the regular season PUP list (that means he must miss the first 6 games) but Douggie Pederson has proven he can scheme and offense and Zach Ertze is Ertzternal. Draft Ertz in fantasy. Do it. There's Gronk, then there's Ertz. And for both, the lack of proven WR talent early in the year could give you a nice little cushion of wins heading into Injury Season through weeks 5-10.

The defense is fucking absurd. They had to trade away a pro bowl LB (actually they just fucking cut him) because there was just no room for the dude's salary/position. Malcolm Jenkins is still a boss, the CB's are sticky, the D-line is just stupid. Jace wanted that DE Derrick Barnette for the Colts last year and now he's gonna be the new Trent Cole. The Eagles Trent Cole, not the Colts Trent Cole.

The Eagles host the Colts in week 3. They must have played in 2014 but Jace doesn't remember (the Colts would've hosted). She DOES remember when the Colts visited the Iggles in like week 11 or something of the 2010 season, a disappointing 10-6 campaign that would be Peyton's last in the Horsey uniform. The Colts wore their throwbacks, and while they would eventually lose the game which had a sickly dark pall over the field (I've wondered since whether the Eagles neglected to turn the lights on, thinking that the 4:25 PM start time would have enough natural light) after Griff Whalen's head was bashed in (wasn't a dirty play, the guy's head got bashed in EVERY time he was tackled) there was a justifiably controversial play when the Colts had an incomplete pass over the middle late in the 4th quarter on 4th down but the drive was extended because Trent Cole touched, TOUCHED, Manning's helmet while swiping for the ball and was flagged for a personal foul. As a COLTS fan I was fucking horrified. I remember texting my dad immediately and lamenting the state of the league.

Jace sees Philly going for about 13 wins.

 

NFC North:

The Great White North. I'm not talking about Canada, I'm talking about Wisconsin and Michigan. Where "BUT THE ECONOMY" Trumps humanitarian concerns. Minnesota, the only place you can actually envision human happiness, is the conscientious pick to crash back to earth. 

 

Chicago-

If I have to read ONE MORE thing about how Matt Nagey is going to save Illinois' soul by making Mitch Trubitskie MVP of the league a la Sexy Man in LA with Jared Goff (GIMMICK), my fucking eyes are going to explode. The level of blind idiocy is fucking mind boggling. Have you SEEN Mitch Trubitky play football at the NFL level? I haven't. I've seen him play on an NFL field.

Sure, John Fox. I'll give you that. But jesus fucking Chryst. This isn't applied sciences for Wayne Industries here. All that tape didn't just disappear overnight (merged with archives). Firing Morgan Freeman (who's name was also Fox) didn't make the Tumbler disappear from all the police dash cam footage.

Similarly, Mitch Trubskie didn't suddenly learn how to not suck at physical movement in the last 8 months, no matter how trendy a pick they are. The RB's seem to have some potential with Gary Cohen, but I wasn't all that impressed by the kid last year. I thought he had some burst and moves, but the hype was runaway I think because of the pig shit surrounding him. When you're the single player on the team capable of creating a highlight, maybe that's not actually impressive. The O-line is a bunch of 'huh', with that one guard who was real good like 4 years ago then got hurt a lot. They gave that TE who had his TD taken away after almost having his leg taken away a 1 year contract, so that's actually pretty cool. The WR's are Allen Robinson, Kevin 'What?' White, and a bunch of nothing. Robinson's good, I think he'll break 1,000 yards off about 80 catches. White sucks.

The Defense is somehow a trendy pick to be good? Which it has been for like 5 years. Danny 'We have to make a rule ruining football because of you' Trevethan is still running around being pretty good. Roquan Smith got past Dipshit Chris 'top-10 Guards NEVER BUST' Ballard, then the Bears decided they'd been too magnanimous with that contract to the crippled TE so they squeezed their game-changing rookie through like fucking YESTERDAY so that they could take all his money away if he ever got suspended on a ridiculously broadly defined rule one of his new teammates helped spur.

The Bears will win 5 games.

 

Green Bay-

Aaron Rodgers is the Ares of QB gods. He's cool as shit to watch in action, but then you just want him to shut the fuck up and go away sometimes. He's also a lil' bitch with no self awareness, Athena is WAAAY cooler. Dom Capers is gone, so the defense might be... something. I don't even know, because in the past it's just been there. Except hardly there at all, 'cause in the moment of supreme crisis teams just waltz through it to seize the day. Dom Capers is the Erich von Moltke of defensive coordinators. A dude who seems to have it all together until the pressure is on.

The O-line still seems not good, but it's better than it was back in like 09-12. The WR's are getting called out. Devante Adams is Jesus Chryst reborn if you believe the hype, that other one sucks since that one season where he was real good. They got rid of the white one. Jimmy Graham is here to catch 25 redzone TD's. The RB's are... I actually don't know. Do they still have that one WR playing RB?

Clay Matthews was good once like 7 years ago and I haven't stopped hearing about it since. Jerry Jolly is gone. B.J. Raji is out of the league. Sam Shields left. Some young safety who is good? Or was good?

The Packers will win 11 games, 3rd seed in the NFC.

Detriot-

HA

Detroit will win 6 games.

Minnesota-

I'm willing to bet quite a bit that Cace Ceenum could have been re signed at like 15 million a year. (I know he signed for more in Denver) For like 3 years, leaving enough money for Anthony Barr and something else. Instead you have Kirk Cousins. Have fun with that! He's fine, he's whatever. And you have him at literally twice as much monies as the comparable Casse Keynum or Tygod Taylor would have cost.

Stephon Diggs and Adam Thelien are pretty great, but the 3rd banana needs to make an appearance soon. Remember when Laquan Treadwell went on stage at the draft with his little boy vowing vengeance against the teams that passed on him? Kyle Rudolph has sneaky been a freaky good TE as far as TD's go the past few years. The O-line is pretty solid, nothing special, but not a weakness I think. Dalvin Cook is real good, Jace hasn't heard much about his recovery. They got the QB coach from the Eagles last year to be the OC, 'cause he wanted to call plays. It isn't lost on Jace that Philly seemed far more concerned about losing the QB coach than losing Frank Reich to the Colts.

The defense is still real real good, but kinda top heavy. Adding Sheldon Richardson (or was it the other one?) was a pretty good get. They need some LB's though who can kinda lessen the load on the starters. Ditto with Everson Griffion and co. They were a terrific defense last year, but the lack of overall depth kinda hamstrung this team late last year and into the playoffs. Xavier Rhodes is a War Machine. And no, I'll never call him Iron Patriot.

Jace loves Mike Zimmer and hopes his eye doesn't fall out. Maybe don't slaughter stuffed animals no more, though.

The Vikings will flirt with 10 wins. They will not make the playoffs.

[Maithanet]

What is happening in Vegas Oakland?  The headline on CBS Sports is "What it would take to land Khalil Mack"  I feel like letting Mack walk would be even stupider than letting Cousins go, seeing how Mack is undeniably one of the top 10 defensive players in the league (possibly top 3), whereas Cousins was something like the 8th-12th best quarterback, depending on what skills you prefer. 

 

But seriously, what is Gruden doing?  Taking weird veiled shots at Mack for the fact that the defense was bad last year is...really really dumb.  Gruden is aware this is a team game? Since he loves 90s football so much, maybe someone should bring up Cortez Kennedy, who is a Hall of Famer for the Seahawks (1990-2000), but who's defense was below average for most of his career? 

[Maithanet]

6 minutes ago, Jace, Basilissa said:

NFC East:

The shitload of flyover states with 3 electoral college, 2 senators, and the population of a minor city? That's what the NFC East is. Just completely contrary to any democratic sensibilities. "Well that's how it always WAAAAAS" So these shithole undesirables get way more attention than they should, which ends up being 'some'. 

What?  This has to be the worst description of the NFC East I've ever heard.  It's the only division where all four teams have won the SB, including the current defending champs.  How could this division possibly be considered the NFL's "flyover country"? 

[Jace, Extat]

3 minutes ago, Maithanet said:

What?  This has to be the worst description of the NFC East I've ever heard.  It's the only division where all four teams have won the SB, including the current defending champs.  How could this division possibly be considered the NFL's "flyover country"? 

I was going for 'they get outsized influence compared to output'. Which I thought was a pretty mainstream opinion.

I'm not saying that the NFC East is irrelevant, where would the GOP be without the Dakotas?, just that they're on prime time every other week without delivering for the most part.

[Jace, Extat]

18 minutes ago, Maithanet said:

What is happening in Vegas Oakland?  The headline on CBS Sports is "What it would take to land Khalil Mack"  I feel like letting Mack walk would be even stupider than letting Cousins go, seeing how Mack is undeniably one of the top 10 defensive players in the league (possibly top 3), whereas Cousins was something like the 8th-12th best quarterback, depending on what skills you prefer. 

 

But seriously, what is Gruden doing?  Taking weird veiled shots at Mack for the fact that the defense was bad last year is...really really dumb.  Gruden is aware this is a team game? Since he loves 90s football so much, maybe someone should bring up Cortez Kennedy, who is a Hall of Famer for the Seahawks (1990-2000), but who's defense was below average for most of his career? 

Isn't Cortez Kennedy the only player to be franchised 3 times?

[Maithanet]

1 minute ago, Jace, Basilissa said:

I was going for 'they get outsized influence compared to output'. Which I thought was a pretty mainstream opinion.

I'm not saying that the NFC East is irrelevant, where would the GOP be without the Dakotas?, just that they're on prime time every other week without delivering for the most part.

They're on prime time every week because they are big market teams with large fanbases who have all historically been very good.  They aren't as dominant as they were in the 80s and early 90s, but they've still won three of the past 12 super bowls.  There have been a few down years where the NFC East is all hype, but that argument is pretty weak given how Philly won last year (and a lot of people said that team was a puffed up pretender until the playoffs started). 

[Jace, Extat]

1 minute ago, Maithanet said:

They're on prime time every week because they are big market teams with large fanbases who have all historically been very good.  They aren't as dominant as they were in the 80s and early 90s, but they've still won three of the past 12 super bowls.  There have been a few down years where the NFC East is all hype, but that argument is pretty weak given how Philly won last year (and a lot of people said that team was a puffed up pretender until the playoffs started). 

I know. Jeeze

I'm sorry. Ok. It was a bad description!

I'M STONE COLD SOBER, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

42 minutes ago, Jace, Basilissa said:

I know. Jeeze

I'm sorry. Ok. It was a bad description!

I'M STONE COLD SOBER, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!

This was not your best showing Jace. How can you call a division with the three most important cities in U.S. history a flyover division? And show some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for the Vikings! We went 13-3 last year and got better on both sides of the ball.

[aceluby]

9 minutes ago, SpaceForce Tywin et al. said:

This was not your best showing Jace. How can you call a division with the three most important cities in U.S. history a flyover division? And show some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for the Vikings! We went 13-3 last year and got better on both sides of the ball.

Yeah, I mean they have a tough schedule, but damn.  They'll at least go 11-5, maybe 12-4 depending on if their D shows up against some of those tough offenses of Rodgers, Eagles, Rams, Brady, Saints, & Hawks.  They have the team to go in and pull an upset in any of those games barring injury.

[Jace, Extat]

21 minutes ago, SpaceForce Tywin et al. said:

This was not your best showing Jace. How can you call a division with the three most important cities in U.S. history a flyover division? And show some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for the Vikings! We went 13-3 last year and got better on both sides of the ball.

 

6 minutes ago, aceluby said:

Yeah, I mean they have a tough schedule, but damn.  They'll at least go 11-5, maybe 12-4 depending on if their D shows up against some of those tough offenses of Rodgers, Eagles, Rams, Brady, Saints, & Hawks.  They have the team to go in and pull an upset in any of those games barring injury.

Well you meanies didn't even respond to my last divisional breakdown except for that fucking monkey man.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

8 minutes ago, aceluby said:

Yeah, I mean they have a tough schedule, but damn.  They'll at least go 11-5, maybe 12-4 depending on if their D shows up against some of those tough offenses of Rodgers, Eagles, Rams, Brady, Saints, & Hawks.  They have the team to go in and pull an upset in any of those games barring injury.

Looking at the schedule, barring injuries, the Vikings floor is 10 wins and their ceiling is 14/15 wins. The Vikings are one of four teams that can legitimately claim they have the best overall roster in the NFL (the other three teams are the Rams, Eagles and Saints). Predicting that they’ll miss the playoffs assumes they will have some awful injuries.

5 minutes ago, Jace, Basilissa said:

 

Well you meanies didn't even respond to my last divisional breakdown except for that fucking monkey man.

Your last breakdown was quality, Jace.

[Jace, Extat]

1 minute ago, SpaceForce Tywin et al. said:

Looking at the schedule, barring injuries, the Vikings floor is 10 wins and their ceiling is 14/15 wins. The Vikings are one of four teams that can legitimately claim they have the best overall roster in the NFL (the other three teams are the Rams, Eagles and Saints). Predicting that they’ll miss the playoffs assumes they will have some awful injuries.

Your last breakdown was quality, Jace.

Are we gonna have a bet here about the final record of the Vikings?

I'm saying less than 11 wins. I'll put my very name on the line.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

13 minutes ago, Jace, Basilissa said:

Are we gonna have a bet here about the final record of the Vikings?

I'm saying less than 11 wins. I'll put my very name on the line.

Confidence the Jace has. I’ll let someone else take that bet though. I’ve seen this team go 5-0 only to finish 8-8 because their entire starting O-Line went on IR, as did most of their backups.

[aceluby]

6 minutes ago, SpaceForce Tywin et al. said:

Confidence the Jace has. I’ll let someone else take that bet though. I’ve seen this team go 5-0 only to finish 8-8 because their entire starting O-Line went on IR, as did most of their backups.

That season was real rough.

I have a rule to never bet on the Vikings.  They'll chew you up and spit you out.  Then when you're not looking they go to the championship game w/ a 40 yr old coming out of retirement or a backup.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

23 minutes ago, aceluby said:

That season was real rough.

I have a rule to never bet on the Vikings.  They'll chew you up and spit you out.  Then when you're not looking they go to the championship game w/ a 40 yr old coming out of retirement or a backup.

It was also the same season that Teddy’s knee exploded. That kind of year can cripple a franchise for several seasons. It’s amazing how we bounced right back.

And yeah, that sums us up. We’re typically good, but not great, and when you expect greatness they end up sucking and when you expect the worse they’re surprisingly good.

[Jaime L]

@SpaceForce Tywin et al.

[dbunting]

5 hours ago, Jace, Basilissa said:

 

Well you meanies didn't even respond to my last divisional breakdown except for that fucking monkey man.

I am a Cowboys fan and NFC East apologist so I have been waiting for this! I didn't comment on the last one since it wasn't my division. Then you already got jumped for this one so I will be nice. Sort of.

NFC East, every team has a SB win, AFC East could say this....if three different NFC East teams didn't beat them in four straight SB's.... Has won a SB in every (full) decade since SB existed. I hate that the eggles won the SB but oh well it helps my side.

Ok, onto Dallas. Has like 3 good players...c'mon Jace! The off line has 3 pro bowlers each of whom has been named All Pro. Pro bowl RB and QB...Two Pro bowlers on defense. I don't think we have an actual TE on the roster or a DB that I trust yet but hey, maybe Garrett will invent a new offense that doesn't use one! 

I could see them going 8-8 up to 12-4 depending on injuries.