NFL 2018 Preseason: Now With More Jace Meltdowns!

[Jace, Extat]

By popular demand.

THE NFC EAST REVISITED:

So much HISTORY in this division! Remember that time the players went on strike but a bunch of them were total pieces of shit and crossed the picket line? Congrats, there's your Superbowl Washington. Remember that time the Cowboys didn't suck? Oh, you were 5? Congrats, there's your Superbowls Dallas. Remember that time the Giants ate the lunch money of the Patriots twice in a row? That was actually pretty great. There's your latest Superbowls, New Yawk. Remember that time Philly was real good last year? Congrats, a good team!

 

Washington-

To hear tell, this is the most underappreciated team in the unappreciated NFC East. Don't look now, but this thoroughly mediocre team will be on Prime Time making you wanna claw your fucking eyeballs out six different times in 17 weeks, but that PALES in comparison to the rest of the division.

At QB, we have Alex 'Gotcha' Smith. A man so thoroughly reviled for being basically good at football you'd think he didn't own two of the most 'fuck me' eyes to ever exist. Alex Smith was voted Most Likely to Be Agreeable in his High School yearbook.

Good thing he has Jordan 'My Spleen, Sarah!" Reed to throw at three times over the course of his availability in the season. There's also a Clam Chowder or something at WR, Jace doesn't care because he sucks and he's in Washington so if he doesn't suck then he'll shred his knee like Bulgarian Hammuran on that JV field turf.

The defense is fucking putrid. Josh Norman, D.J. Swearingjer. Those are two players. The only thing worth watching about this offense, a rookie RB who may have lied about being asked if he was a gay at the combine and who may have freaked the fuck out during team visits, already tore up his knee. HAVE FUN WITH THIS ONE!!!

Jace sees the Washingtons having 4 wins.

 

Dallas-

HOLY SHIT! I THINK THIS IS DALLAS' YEAR!

Where have I heard that before?

Dallas will win 7 games.

 

New York-

Because Goddamn Insufferable didn't focus test as well, we're gonna call them the Football Giants. Eli Manning is dogshit and has been dogshit for about 93% of his career. But somehow 5% of that 'good' came after the divisional round in the playoffs and against the loathsome Patriots so we all have to pretend he didn't willingly defraud sports memorabilia collectors.

This numb armed doofus' response to Jalon Ramsay's attacks was "Who?" HAHAHAHAHA HAHAH HAHAHAHA LOOK EVERYONE, LOOK HOW SMAHT AND CLEVAH AND CWOOL ELI IS.

HE PWETENDS NAWT TO NO HOO DAT IS! HE SO CWASSY!!! SO CWASSY, ELI SO CWASSY! LIKE CWASSY GIANTS AWAYS BE CWASSY!

It's probably a good sign that a disintegrating arm talent who's never been known for elevating his team at all doesn't know who one of the best players in the league is. It makes sense though, I'm gonna guess no one in the All-Pro circles is inviting the affirmative action Manning brother to parties.

The defense is still physically present, though. So that's a thing. And Odell 'Please Love Me' Beckham is around. So assuming that Penn State kid's hamstring heals or something they won't be totally unwatchable. I'm going to try to find some smart person to digitally replace Eli at QB with Slender Man in real time. I want to watch something admirable at the position.

New York wins 5 games.

 

Philly-

The Eagles are real good. They'll win the division, around 11 wins, and get bounced in round two.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

Jace is good, Jace is great, Jamie is real life Reek! 

[sperry]

Listening to refs talk on these broadcasts makes it crystal clear why pro refs are so bad. These guys are fucking imbeciles.

[DanteGabriel]

6 hours ago, dbunting said:

 

NFC East, every team has a SB win, AFC East could say this....if three different NFC East teams didn't beat them in four straight SB's.... Has won a SB in every (full) decade since SB existed. I hate that the eggles won the SB but oh well it helps my side.

Between you and Howdyphilipp (where is that miscreant?) that's two Cowboys fans I've seen willing to brag about the accomplishments of division rivals. What's wrong with you guys? I would never pop into an argument about historical division strengths and say "Oh yeah, well the Dolphins had a perfect season once, ten points for House AFC East!" The very thought makes my testicles retract.

[Nictarion]

15 minutes ago, DanteGabriel said:

Between you and Howdyphilipp (where is that miscreant?) that's two Cowboys fans I've seen willing to brag about the accomplishments of division rivals. What's wrong with you guys? I would never pop into an argument about historical division strengths and say "Oh yeah, well the Dolphins had a perfect season once, ten points for House AFC East!" The very thought makes my testicles retract.

Well your team has won like 37 Super Bowls so you don’t really have to...

I’m definitely guilty of talking up the AFC North at times. But probably more as an excuse for some of the Bengals shortcomings rather than actually bragging about the Steelers or Ravens. 

[Nictarion]

24 minutes ago, Triskjavikson said:

It seems possible that the Jets have gone from no good QB's for most of their existence to two good ones all of the sudden.  

We’ll gladly take Teddy off their hands down here in Cincy! 

Our back QB situation is pretty dire. Not sure we have any good trade proposals though. 

[dbunting]

9 hours ago, DanteGabriel said:

Between you and Howdyphilipp (where is that miscreant?) that's two Cowboys fans I've seen willing to brag about the accomplishments of division rivals. What's wrong with you guys? I would never pop into an argument about historical division strengths and say "Oh yeah, well the Dolphins had a perfect season once, ten points for House AFC East!" The very thought makes my testicles retract.

Different strokes for different folks.  I also talk up the B1G, others talk up the SEC, who cares? Nothing wrong with regional pride and having enough respect for a rival to acknowledge their accomplishments. 

Also (underlined) isn't that the place to have that talk? 

[dbunting]

15 hours ago, Jace, Basilissa said:

Dallas-

HOLY SHIT! I THINK THIS IS DALLAS' YEAR!

Where have I heard that before?

Dallas will win 7 games.

 

Jace I think you were drinking 4 Locos and not Arnold Palmer tea! Now that I have said this, Dallas will shit the bed and win 3 games and Garrett will get a 3 year extension. 

 

[Jace, Extat]

13 hours ago, SpaceForce Tywin et al. said:

Jace is good, Jace is great, Jamie is real life Reek! 

That's appropriate, 'cause Theon was Jace's favorite character up through Feast For Crows (Dance wasn't out yet when I read the series). Only heroic character in the entire series.

Meanwhile, the anal sis continues.

 

AFC West:

More like AFC Best! Everyone seems to agree that it's impossible to agree on a singular AFC West team to claim the division. You've got all kinds of storylines at play here. New faces, old faces with new money, relocations, soccer stadiums, and Phillip Rivers! The AFC West is a libertarian's wet dream, basically a stupid version of the Wild West.

 

Leaving Las Vegas-

I have exactly zero idea what the fuck to make of Oakland. Chucky is back, which could be great but is probably gonna be a goddamn disaster. And I'm on board for either! Whether Gruden is able to reestablish offenses that don't have 93 screens a game or his attempt to take the sport back to Y2J (Chris Jericho reference) ends in 10 years of utter madness, as long as the league can fix the calamity of a helmet rule we should all be winners. Fuck, even Ice Cube seems unsure what to make of Gruden's return.

We have Derek Carr, who you want to like until you find out he's some kind of weird Jesus freak who needs to have his hands cut off and body dumped into a river for being a blight upon the species. He was real good that one time, and parlayed that into top-10 rankings for the last two years. Carr, meet Earth. This was a head on drunk driving collision. Jace is going to break out the magic Eight ball and let you all know a sekret. Carr is OK. He's whatever. And in the modern NFL with a sneaky-explosive group of skill position guys Average Joe can look pretty swifty if you're fucking blind and don't know a goddamn thing about football.

Michael 'Underappreciated' Crabtree is gone. Amari Cooper can't catch a cold. Marshawn Lynch sat for the anthem, watch out for that name if you're playing Atlanta this year chief! Donald Penn is getting Chuckied just over a decade after being drafted by Chucky.

Kahlil Mack, literally the only defensive player worth mentioning, is holding out in his 5th season for appropriate pay. And -I shit you not- there are real question as to whether the Raiders don't want to pay Mack what he's asking and whether they can't pay him. God, I want Mark Davis to default on his loans and lose this team to the city of Las Vegas.

Fuck... 7 wins? I'm pretty excited to follow the Raidaz this year, so that's something.

 

Kansas City-

Jace likes Matrick Pahomes, he's like a not-annoying Aaron Rodgers. She also likes Andy Reid. He seems like such a genuinely good dude, she wants to see him win a SB. But Kansas City can't win a Superbowl unless Claire McCaskil wins her race. That's right, dummies. Kansas City isn't in Kansas you stupid fucks. It's in MISSOURI

The offense is pretty stacked with talent, even before you get into the perpetually overhyped asshead that is Samuel Watkins. You have that woman puncher Tyreek Hill. You have that really fast RB who tailed off in the mid-season but was real fucking good. I'm sure the O-line is something.

The defense was very good for a while then last year it fell apart and then Eric 'Fuck Cancer' Berry tore his achilles and they traded a top-5 CB for reasons of personality. But they got a CB in return for Alex Smith so that's a thing or something. Did they replace the DC? Is Dee Ford still around? Remember when he was a rookie there was that play where he's the only player on the field running to the defensive left while the play was a toss to the right? Jace is going to choose to believe that Andy Reid is going left while the league goes right. It's a bold strategy Cotton, let's see how it works for 'em.

Jace loves everything about the offense of this team and the defense is not really concerning because the rest of the offenses in the division are either extremely rickety or massively overhyped depending on who you ask. They'll take 10 wins and the division.

 

Los Angeles-

Phillip Rivers. The Chargers are the darkhorse. We've all seen it before. The TE tore his knee up. The CB ruptured his Brad Pitt tendon.

They'll win 6 games but you'd think it was 16.

 

Denver-

Jace has an aunt to used to live in Castle Rock, which is where all of the Broncos players live.

John Elway may have just given any reasonable human being a smoking gun of evidence that the league is refusing to employ Kaepernick on political grounds, which isn't illegal but is definitely asinine considering how they use their platforms for political purposes.

Jace loves Case Keenem. He's good. Give him a break. The O-line is still a fucking disaster. Jim Kelly's 'troubled' nephew is clawing his way to the #2 QB gig because Elway can't scout QB's for shit and Patron Lynch is destined for the glue factory.

Demaryious Thomas is taking a stand, which makes me wish all the mean shit I've said about him in the past wasn't accurate. Too bad though. E-Man is still the best WR in the division, fuck you Keenan Allen Jace can catch 1 yard curl routes too.  There's a TE. It ain't Virgin Greene no more.

The Defense could be good except the HC gig was given to a guy who in his DC debut oversaw a regression of the talent rich Dolphins to fucking 27th in the league and he doesn't know how to do anything. Bradley Chubb and Von Miller will fucking murder people. Jace is just hoping the Colts will take the cast off Shane Ray in FA next year, having lost out on having a good Chubb. Derek Wolff is still around, but he has never been consistently on the field, let alone impactful. Aquib Talib is gone, which is a shame because he's probably a total piece of shit but Jace likes him. 

Chris Harris is still around, being subtly the best CB in the league.

So yeah... this team is gonna struggle, mostly 'cause of a shit O-line, inconsistent running game, and general poor coaching but it'll all be blamed on Case. Enjoy that $$$, god boy. See, Jace doesn't hate EVERYONE who believes in the divine. She loves Case Keenum so much she'd feed him her forbidden fruit. If you know what I mean.

The Broncos will go 8-8 after Vance Joseph is fired when the team is 3-7.

[Maithanet]

When people do these sort of team by team rundowns, they often are overly optomistic, and have half the league going 10-6 or something, without enough bad teams to even it out.  But according to Jace it looks like 90% of the league is going to be at or below .500 this year. 

[Jace, Extat]

10 minutes ago, Maithanet said:

When people do these sort of team by team rundowns, they often are overly optomistic, and have half the league going 10-6 or something, without enough bad teams to even it out.  But according to Jace it looks like 90% of the league is going to be at or below .500 this year. 

We GET each other, Maith.

We get each other.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

57 minutes ago, Jace, Basilissa said:

That's appropriate, 'cause Theon was Jace's favorite character up through Feast For Crows (Dance wasn't out yet when I read the series). Only heroic character in the entire series.

I was always a Jon Snow guy. I’m still shocked people couldn’t figure out R+L=J. It was pretty obvious after the Tower of Joy chapter in AGoT.

A few takeaways from last night’s game:

Darnold still doesn’t impress me

Teddy looked good

The Racial Slurs player that went low on his surgically repaired knee is evil and can burn in hell

The Racial Slurs might be decent this year. If Foles’ injury is worse than expected and Wentz can’t play until midseason, the NFC East could get interesting.

[Jace, Extat]

Really? Jon Snow? Like, he was a terrifically impotent classic zero to hero trope.

But still.

Jon Snow?

@SpaceForce Tywin et al.

[dbunting]

So McCarron finally has a chance to be compete as a starter and fractures his collar bone in the preseason! Looks like Josh Allen now has a 50-50 shot to start the season since the other guy keeps shitting the bed. I saw just a little bit of the game last night and you saw some good throws and a typical strong arm throw to the back side of a receiver close to the line so hard he had no chance to catch it.

[Nictarion]

5 hours ago, dbunting said:

So McCarron finally has a chance to be compete as a starter and fractures his collar bone in the preseason! Looks like Josh Allen now has a 50-50 shot to start the season since the other guy keeps shitting the bed. I saw just a little bit of the game last night and you saw some good throws and a typical strong arm throw to the back side of a receiver close to the line so hard he had no chance to catch it.

Yeah, feel bad for McCarron. He was nothing but a class act his entire time here. 

Good luck to whoever plays QB in Buffalo with Russell Bodine as their starting center. 

[sperry]

McCarron has a chance to be the next Chase Daniel. A 15 year backup who never plays but gets paid big money, gets no criticism and has no pressure. Might be the greatest gig in professional sports.

[Nictarion]

4 minutes ago, sperry said:

McCarron has a chance to be the next Chase Daniel. A 15 year backup who never plays but gets paid big money, gets no criticism and has no pressure. Might be the greatest gig in professional sports.

He played in 2015 when Dalton was injured. 

[dbunting]

Man I hate watching Dallas play preseason games. I only watched about 5 minutes tonight, while I was watching Martin got hit in the knees by Kirkpatrick, MRI scheduled. Then a few plays later on defense Xavier lines up what IMO is a cheap shot on a Bengal receiver who is being tackled by Jones and sure enough he misses the Bengal and blasted Jones in the shoulder, hurts him. The very next play Xavier makes a pretty good hustle play and tweaks his hammy! I couldn't shut it off fast enough.

[sperry]

9 hours ago, Nictarion said:

He played in 2015 when Dalton was injured. 

He played like a competent backup. The fact that he couldn't beat out Dalton for the past two seasons and the Bengals weren't interested in retaining him tells you all you need to know about his starting QB possibilities.

[Jace, Extat]

50 minutes ago, sperry said:

He played like a competent backup. The fact that he couldn't beat out Dalton for the past two seasons and the Bengals weren't interested in retaining him tells you all you need to know about his starting QB possibilities.

To be fair, the Bengals attempted some 'accrued seasons' shenanigans to keep him.

But yeah, while that loss to the Steelers wasn't HIS fault, he didn't really deliver the W anyway.