Jump to content
honeyed chicken

Outrageous Lies About the Previous Poster, #25: Only the Biggest, Juiciest WHOPPERS!

Recommended Posts

Some time in the future, when his grandchildren will ask him to tell the story of how he got the horrible facial disfigurements from a shotgun blast, Count Balerion will tell them of the time when he located the house George RR Martin hid himself away in order to finally finish Winds of Winter.

CB had, in a moment of insanity, decided to pay Georgie-boy a midnight visit dressed as Jar-Jar Binks.

"I honestly thought it would delight him!" CB would tell the kids.

Edited by Knight of Ashes

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KoE was recently indicted for selling fake "Roger Stones".  The feds caught on to it when they realized that the fake ones were actual stones and the real ones were fake stones.  The indictment proceedings were very confusing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jez B has certain oddities. She is in the habit of wearing a mask and going up to random people and saying cryptic things like "In order to go west, you must take the bus to the Red Line" or "Beware the Waltzing Wookiee in the Polka-Dotted Shirt, the Calliginous Catfish in Calico, and the Narcoleptic Nattering Nuttering Narguileh with the Necktie. Oh, and the Popsicle Panda of Pain". In this persona, she takes on the name of Jaithze.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When Count Balerion is bored (and who wouldn't be in a bean counting job - literally! - like his) he will take off his sneaker and stare at the sole pattern. He imagines the pattern is a maze and he is stuck in it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HC loves beans.  He puts beans on everything.

Beans on toast, beans on jacket potatoes, beans on crackers, beans on pancakes, beans on beans on chicken, beans on waffles, beans on avocados, beans on waffles, beans on smoked salmon, beans on bananas, beans on salami, beans on sushi, beans on soup, beans on lamb vindaloo, beans on cookie dough, beans on spinach, Anyways, you get the idea.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/2/2019 at 3:54 PM, Jez Bell said:

HC loves beans.  He puts beans on everything.

Beans on toast, beans on jacket potatoes, beans on crackers, beans on pancakes, beans on beans on chicken, beans on waffles, beans on avocados, beans on waffles, beans on smoked salmon, beans on bananas, beans on salami, beans on sushi, beans on soup, beans on lamb vindaloo, beans on cookie dough, beans on spinach, Anyways, you get the idea.

"Jacket potatoes"? Don't know what that is, but the name intrigues me. And you've hit rather close to the mark. We're putting all our dough into yet another house renovation (the next to last big one), so to pinch pennies Mrs. Chicken is serving lots ans lots of bean dishes - they're almost literally coming out my ears. :)

BIG LIE ABOUT JEZ:

Actually, telling lies about Jez is hard to do because the truth is so fantastic. To call her an Amazon would be underselling it. Already a track star as well as point guard on the college basketball team (and a dean's list scholar), she recently took up fencing and loved it. She quickly graduated from foil to epee to saber, which she loves so well she now swaggers around town with one at her hip. Would be lovers are told, "If you best me, you can have me." So far, no one has been foolish enough to accept that challenge.

 

Edited by honeyed chicken

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Forget almost literally. Beans really do come out of HC's ears, at a rate of 27.8132 beans a second. It's kind of annoying, and his family are always complaining about it, even though selling these beans to restaurants and the like is their livelihood. It does cut down on space, though -- especially since these beans grow about two metres per day. HC's physicians are baffled.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When he was diagnosed with a fatal pinkie disease, CB took to drowning his sorrows in an endless succession of whiskey sours. At his next physical the doctor found that a miracle had occurred - he was cured! The only loss from the experience is that CB can no longer abide the taste of that drink.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Honeyed Chicken actually romanticizes the thought of being eaten. He thinks about it at least twice an hour. He's even gone so far as to bread himself to get into the spirit. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tywin et al. have a phobia of being killed by dwarfs, defined as "people below 7 feet tall". He -- or they -- carry a measuring tape with them and are always checking random people to ensure that they be no shorter than 7 feet; if they are, he immediately reports them to police. This marks an improvement over the days when he/they used to pull their heads upwards in an effort to make them taller than 7 feet.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Instead of the whiskey sours CB used to favor, he now indulges in tequila sunrises. However, he has been known to start his Sundays with the occasional pina colada, but please don't tell anyone. CB would be so embarrassed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HC has a pet lizard to whom he feeds both tequila AND pina colada, in the hopes of turning it into a dragon. Progress is slow, but sure.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The  Count has been in the doghouse since he screamed to his partner,during an intimate moment, to "melt my face and squint the way Melania does, baby!!"

Edited by Knight of Ashes

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KoA's obsession with all things Trump has gotten out of control. When the old Trump Tower in Manhattan was renamed, Knight bought up the letters and put them on his basement walls. Outside his bedroom door is a life sized Trump blow doll which he punches when ever he leaves the room. He even had Trump's face painted in his toilet bowl, and of course he uses MAGA toilet paper. What's next is anyone's guess.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Threat of force indeed. You see, KOA actually *is* Donald Trump, and he has been threatening HC with "something very, very, very bad" if he doesn't confess that Bugs isn't a bird. He's "gonna bomb Vermont into outer space" if HC doesn't stop subscribing to this "fake news" theory. He's apparently under the impression that Vermont is a foreign country. Or is he?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Although Knight of Asses (you read that correct) doesn't subscribe to Scientology per say, he makes sure to say his nineteen Hail Mary's to the seven pillars of Travolta daily. 

And he also has had Eric Trump tied up in his basement next to the blow up Donald doll for sixteen weeks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have read (in Jeff Bezos' rag, The Washington Post) that " CNN's hiring of a GOP operative as political editor ((Sarah Isgur)) is even worse than it looks ... ". Maybe that's because IT IS FAKE NEWS!!! CNN has actually hired Jace for that job.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HC has been training for months to be able to do a hand stand. Having successfully mastered the art, he is now moving on to putting his feet against a wall for the purposes of executing the upside down twerk. Best of luck!

Word is @Jace, Basilissa has been his twerking sensei. 

Edited by Tywin et al.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×