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Platypus Rex

Poll: Is Varys a Woman?

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1 hour ago, Jabar of House Titan said:

Welcome to the ASOIAF Forums.

Hope you survive the experience. You'll find that there's a lot of crazy theories circling around on here. And some of them may end up coming true.

Sorry for the tangent but this reminded me of something for some reason.  A few years back one of my favorite faux-crazy theories was that Martin was actually Jerry Garcia.  It led to an entire thread of a bunch of us using Dead lyrics to explain ASOIAF.  Really enjoyed it, but can't find it anymore.  Can anyone else?  If anyone either knows the poster who started that or can find that thread I'd be very..grateful.

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18 minutes ago, Dorian Martell's son said:

Varys is a man without a penis. Aerys was the kind of douchebag to demand a peek at the lack of goods before he gave lord Junkless a job 

 

Eunuchs are known for having penises but no testicles.

Varys is unique as a eunuch because he has neither a penis nor testicles. Nothing. Everything got cut off and sacrificed to -- presumably -- the red god. That's why OP made a comment about Varys being caught pissing in the wrong direction.

3 minutes ago, DMC said:

Sorry for the tangent but this reminded me of something for some reason.  A few years back one of my favorite faux-crazy theories was that Martin was actually Jerry Garcia.  It led to an entire thread of a bunch of us using Dead lyrics to explain ASOIAF.  Really enjoyed it, but can't find it anymore.  Can anyone else?  If anyone either knows the poster who started that or can find that thread I'd be very..grateful.

Not ringing a bell with me...

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2 hours ago, Jabar of House Titan said:

Eunuchs are known for having penises but no testicles.

Varys is unique as a eunuch because he has neither a penis nor testicles. Nothing. Everything got cut off and sacrificed to -- presumably -- the red god. That's why OP made a comment about Varys being caught pissing in the wrong direction.

I am aware, but the point still stands. Varys was born a man 

 

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Posted (edited)

There was a genius crackpot on here years ago that not only is Varys a woman, but is also Joffrey's mother

 

Edited by Ser Uncle P
Spelling error

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6 hours ago, Ser Uncle P said:

There was a genius crackpot on here years ago that not only is Varys a woman, but is also Joffrey's mother

 

So was Jaime pounding Varys then?

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2 hours ago, The Sunland Lord said:

So was Jaime pounding Varys then?

Lol it's definitely among the 5 wackiest crackpot "theories" I've ever seen posted here. But yup, Jaime was slagging Varys, who is a female descendany of Daemon Blackfyre.. 

 

According to this insane theory 

"Jaime's children by Varys, a Blackfyre, are direct descendants of Aegon I Targaryen: This means that they are the three heads of the dragon. The first head, Joffrey, had to die for the other two, Tommen and Myrcella to continue to live, as a reptile cannot live with more than two heads, even in real life, there are two headed snakes but not three headed snakes. Joffrey dying secured their continued living, as if Joffrey lived he probably would have had them killed in a fit of madness. This also means Joffrey, along with being a head of the dragon, is Nissa Nissa, he was sacrificed for the other the other two heads, his siblings."

 

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Posted (edited)

No, I don't think Varys is a eunuch.

The thing that has annoyed me with Varys is the "root and stem"  idiom. I equate that to testicles and penis (manhood).

A Clash of Kings - Tyrion X     "One day at Myr, a certain man came to our folly. After the performance, he made an offer for me that my master found too tempting to refuse. I was in terror. I feared the man meant to use me as I had heard men used small boys, but in truth the only part of me he had need of was my manhood. He gave me a potion that made me powerless to move or speak, yet did nothing to dull my senses. With a long hooked blade, he sliced me root and stem, chanting all the while. I watched him burn my manly parts on a brazier. The flames turned blue, and I heard a voice answer his call, though I did not understand the words they spoke./

Back in the day before modern medical procedures males did need that penis to urinate.

I understand this is a fictional story and one must go with the flow. :blink:

It is the root and stem thing that annoys me. A gown man drugs Varys then grabs child Varys' complete packet of stuff and slices it off with a knife. The boy survives.  Perhaps the knife was so hot it cauterized the wound as it cut and Varys does not urinate.

Har! Depending on how old Varys is and how old Marwyn is, it may have been the mastiff who took Varys's parts ---  or not.

I wonder why the certain man decided Varys had the parts he needed for the ritual. Do you think the reason Varys shaves his head is because of a certain hair color?

This also feeds into the Theon thing --- I guess Theon can't urinate either --- unless he was merely circumcised by Ramsey. :dunno:

 

 

Edited by Clegane'sPup
corrected spelling of a word, might be other mistakes in there

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9 minutes ago, Clegane'sPup said:

No, I don't think Varys is a eunuch.

Okay.  So is your vote for "intact man" or "woman"?

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5 minutes ago, Platypus Rex said:

Okay.  So is your vote for "intact man" or "woman"?

My vote is Varys is an intact male.

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2 for to 17 against, so far.  Amusingly, there would be at least 5 votes so far, if the theory were "Is Varys an Intact Male?"

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On 3/1/2019 at 2:39 AM, DMC said:

Sorry for the tangent but this reminded me of something for some reason.  A few years back one of my favorite faux-crazy theories was that Martin was actually Jerry Garcia.  It led to an entire thread of a bunch of us using Dead lyrics to explain ASOIAF.  Really enjoyed it, but can't find it anymore.  Can anyone else?  If anyone either knows the poster who started that or can find that thread I'd be very..grateful.

I've been trying to post this reply for two days, clearly there is a conspiracy to bury the thread

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16 hours ago, White Ravens said:

18 against if you count my nope from a few hours ago.

Thank you, White Ravens, and sorry for missing it the first time.  You've voted in most of my threads so far, and I do appreciate it.  I have an ambition to some day find an unpopular theory that you will actually support.  Any suggestions?

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54 minutes ago, HelenaExMachina said:

I've been trying to post this reply for two days, clearly there is a conspiracy to bury the thread

Ha ha!  Is that a "yes" on the theory, then?

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