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Dating Thread: "Pain, disorder, occasional clarity"


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“I am in the middle of it: chaos and poetry; poetry and love and again, complete chaos. Pain, disorder, occasional clarity; and at the bottom of it all: only love; poetry. Sheer enchantment, fear, humiliation. It all comes with love”
Anna Akhmatova

I feel very Slavic about these things lately,

Carry on.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Arg!!! I'm pretty sure I had my worst hookup fail this past weekend at my buddy's wedding. There were a lot of single beautiful women there, but one stood out in particular. She looked like a young Gwyneth Paltrow with really long done up blonde hair. Initially I wrote off trying to hook up with her because she had some many guys buzzing around her, but after a bit she came up to me asking if I could take her picture. After doing that and chatting with her for a bit I lost track of her for a while because I was a groomsman and it was time to do some Jewish wedding stuff. Anyways, one the circle dancing got going I jump in right next to her and she kept beaming at me. A few minutes after the first round of dancing was done I bumped into her again at the bar and she asked if I would have a drink with her. The drinks didn't come in time as a song kicked up and she immediately pulled me onto the dance floor. At this point I'm all in.

After a lots of dancing we went back to my booth, and over the course of the next couple of hours, we largely hung out there flirting, kissing, groping, etc. On a few different occasions she would suck on my fingers when a buddy would come over to chat with me to get my attention (and it damn well worked). We eventually began to plan out the evening, trying to decide if we should go back to my place or her's. After some more time passed and as the wedding was shutting down I had to go help the groom and collect some stuff. When I got back 15 minutes or so later she was outside pacing in the middle of a small but busy street in Brooklyn screaming at someone on her phone. I tried to get her attention (if for nothing else to get her out of the street), but that didn't go well. Eventually the bride had to be gotten to get her friend in line, but by the time I got her and got back out there, the hot blonde was literally jumping into a car with some friends. And that's the last I saw of her because she didn't attend any of the other events. My thought is to ask my friend's new wife about her in a month or two. If nothing else I can reach out to her on Facebook and see if she wants to get to know me. I guess you know you had a great trip when the low light of it is that you only got the hottest woman at the wedding to suck on your fingers.

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On 8/27/2019 at 12:27 AM, Tywin et al. said:

I guess you know you had a great trip when the low light of it is that you only got the hottest woman at the wedding to suck on your fingers.

So... okay... so that's a thing that happens on weddings?

Then again, I never went to one. In my family there are only funerals. XD

 

As someone who never frequented this thread before I should probably mention that my only dating related thing is musing that some day I should probably try out one of these fancy dating sites before I'm old and decrepit because it is obviously impossible for me to find people otherwise. That stupid idea however recently took another hit when I realized that the students on my current school aren't that much younger than me and quite possibly frequenting sites like that as well. So... aside the obvious image of mine of how stuff like that usually works (see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3reDBifVxzk ) I now have a very real reason to avoid embarrassment on that front. I really should embrace my "it's too late, I don't even have to bother" mindset more consciously and ignore any thoughts that tell me I must be missing out on things that are not awful about relationships.

 

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worst hookup fail this past weekend

not a failure.  i had a similar experience at a wedding years ago as a friend's groomsperson; the subsequent reaching out was abject. sometimes there is no after. sometimes what you've described is just what happens at the celebratory conjugal binge, along with cake and drinks and schmaltzy music. sometimes the brief candle that burns for this sort of affair and the duration of the reception coincide without remainder.

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5 hours ago, sologdin said:

worst hookup fail this past weekend

not a failure.  i had a similar experience at a wedding years ago as a friend's groomsperson; the subsequent reaching out was abject. sometimes there is no after. sometimes what you've described is just what happens at the celebratory conjugal binge, along with cake and drinks and schmaltzy music. sometimes the brief candle that burns for this sort of affair and the duration of the reception coincide without remainder.

I mean I get that, and I wasn't expecting anything more than a ONS, but she basically all but said we're going back to one of our places at the end of the night. I usually move on from failures like this quickly, but this one stings a bit and will be a little harder to forget.

 

7 hours ago, Toth said:

So... okay... so that's a thing that happens on weddings?

No, in general some random hot woman is not going to just start sucking on your fingers, even at weddings. Frankly if I want to spin this positively, I probably avoided a heightened chance of catching an STD. 

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asking for a friend 

one basic operative principle that i have uncovered through decades of fuckups is to avoid 'quoting' the prior relationship in the new one via expectation of similar patterns, responses, incidents. each relation will be different, and the expectation that a new thing will work in accord with the assumptions of the dead thing is unwarranted.  attempting through conscious parallelism to construct the new relation with the rule of the former one should be considered disastrous ab initio, recalling mccarthy's chigurh:  'if the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?'  agamben might say that each relation is its own cenobitism (from greek koinos ‘common’ and bios ‘life’), each developing its own eidos zoe (form of life), its own rule.  the rule must be apprehended and members of the commonality must accommodate thereto.  

this process takes work, which leads to the perhaps related and fairly obvious point that one's head must be cleared, usually by sufficient passage of time to allow for meaningful critical self assessment, as a condition precedent for the new relation to be significant. it's been analogized for me that sometimes the first pancake in new batch is gonna just be fucked up as part of the process, a necessary wastage that is productive for further development, bataille's accursed share in interpersonal relations, maybe. after getting out of a bad thing, what follows immediately thereafter might be considered a bad pancake, something to be burned and thrown out--so, caution when engaging in a new thing so soon after a long necrotic prior thing.

the question then becomes, after a string of several bad things in a row, which is the bad pancake and which the legitimate relation?  this demonstrates the limit of the metaphor, as does a further question--at which point does one simply decree oneself an asshole?

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1 hour ago, sologdin said:

'if the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?' 

"well look...I need to know what I stand to win?"
"everything" 

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On 8/26/2019 at 5:27 PM, Tywin et al. said:

When I got back 15 minutes or so later she was outside pacing in the middle of a small but busy street in Brooklyn screaming at someone on her phone. I tried to get her attention (if for nothing else to get her out of the street), but that didn't go well. Eventually the bride had to be gotten to get her friend in line

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, tbh. 

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55 minutes ago, Jaime L said:

"well look...I need to know what I stand to win?"
"everything" 

You’re willing to roam these parts, but not the politics thread? Maybe Ted Cruz should punch you in the face.

(Also, my B League team is strong, see you in Elites next year)

19 minutes ago, Ferrum Aeternum said:

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, tbh. 

That thought did cross my mind at the time, though I’m still disappointed in myself more than anything. Rarely do I fail to seal the deal once I get my foot in the door. The more concerning part thought was the following day when her friends told me she’s a bit of a maneater who can hook up with multiple guys at a single party, i.e. why I said I probably dodged catching something.

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12 hours ago, avenge me said:

anyone have any experience with or advice for someone developing a new relationship with someone you feel a strong connection/attraction to after a fairly recent break up of a very long term relationship? asking for a friend 

What sloggy said. 

Building something new from scratch with totally new rules, foundations, prints, etc.

As far as how to do that, after a couple of bad pancakes (turned out the cook sucked) I made a point of going for a walk or listening to music right before dates when I was in a similar situation just to get into a 'present' mindset.  

Have fun with it dude, and good luck!

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22 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

You’re willing to roam these parts, but not the politics thread? Maybe Ted Cruz should punch you in the face.

(Also, my B League team is strong, see you in Elites next year)

That thought did cross my mind at the time, though I’m still disappointed in myself more than anything. Rarely do I fail to seal the deal once I get my foot in the door. The more concerning part thought was the following day when her friends told me she’s a bit of a maneater who can hook up with multiple guys at a single party, i.e. why I said I probably dodged catching something.

Ok, first of all you gotta learn the name of the league before you have any chance of making it. Second, the dating thread is way more entertaining to read. Strong dating advice incorporating the wisdom of Anton Chigurh, you humblebragging about always closing the deal....how's our rage inducing current politics going to compete with that? 

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5 hours ago, Jaime L said:

Ok, first of all you gotta learn the name of the league before you have any chance of making it. Second, the dating thread is way more entertaining to read. Strong dating advice incorporating the wisdom of Anton Chigurh, you humblebragging about always closing the deal....how's our rage inducing current politics going to compete with that? 

First, I realized the mistake shortly after I posted, but because I possess the most manly of manly traits, supreme laziness,  I didn’t bother to fix it. Second, I will not stand for this admonishment coming from an accountant who can’t do elementary school math! How ‘bout that!!!

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Going backcountry camping/backpacking this weekend with my bff, first time we've both been single in a while.  Last year had told her would like to date, she declined as she was recently involved in a relationship, has since written me a note saying she wished she gave it a shot with me instead.  Zero expectations but whatever happens should be a fun weekend.  We do this all the time this is just the first time we've both been single and just really stoked to be out there with an awesome friend regardless.

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20 hours ago, larrytheimp said:

.  We do this all the time this is just the first time we've both been single and just really stoked to be out there with an awesome friend regardless.

Have fun, friend :)

( Also, we need to have a space to post camping/ backpacking pictures  for people to post)

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