Dating Thread: "Pain, disorder, occasional clarity"

[Fury Resurrected]

11 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

Well like I said, I will never know, and as I've said before, she'll never say exactly, but adults can put one and two together. But she's otherwise happily married, and it's best not to get in the way of things.

Was just laughing that the one of her three, maybe four now, kids that is wicked is the one I maybe put in her. Maybe also venting a bit. 

Never say never now that those DNA kits are telling on people all over

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

24 minutes ago, Fury Resurrected said:

Never say never now that those DNA kits are telling on people all over

Even if it did, there's no reason to make waves. But I find it a bit funny that her one child with a lot of issues is also the one that has a coin flip's chance of being mine. 

[Liffguard]

Welp I'm single again, and even though it was my decision, it still sucks hard.

Normally I would get over heartache with a new hobby. Unfortunately, all of the sports clubs (and other group stuff) are still closed.

So I may have impulse bought a 2nd hand bass guitar. Guess we'll see where this leads.

[Buckwheat]

28 minutes ago, Liffguard said:

Welp I'm single again, and even though it was my decision, it still sucks hard.

Normally I would get over heartache with a new hobby. Unfortunately, all of the sports clubs (and other group stuff) are still closed.

So I may have impulse bought a 2nd hand bass guitar. Guess we'll see where this leads.

My condolences.  If it was your decision, then I assume you are aware it was for the best. Clutch to this thought and don't contact the person. Good luck with the new musical hobby.

[Larry of the Lawn]

On 6/7/2020 at 5:17 PM, Liffguard said:

Welp I'm single again, and even though it was my decision, it still sucks hard.

Normally I would get over heartache with a new hobby. Unfortunately, all of the sports clubs (and other group stuff) are still closed.

So I may have impulse bought a 2nd hand bass guitar. Guess we'll see where this leads.

Fully and enthusiasticly support this acquisition, and good for you for making a tough decision. 

 

PS....what'd ya get?

[Liffguard]

16 hours ago, larrytheimp said:

PS....what'd ya get?

Squier Affinity. Nothing fancy, but seems to have good reviews as a beginner instrument. This is my first time playing a string instrument (currently play piano and also brass many years ago). Already finding loads of challenges, but definitely fun so far.

 

On ‎6‎/‎7‎/‎2020 at 10:47 PM, Buckwheat said:

My condolences.  If it was your decision, then I assume you are aware it was for the best. Clutch to this thought and don't contact the person. Good luck with the new musical hobby.

Thanks. As far as contact goes, we are gonna try to keep being friends. We were friends before dating, so at least there's a foundation there. Sticking to the odd funny cat picture on messenger for now. After a bit of time and space we'll see if we can go back to normal friend socialization again, but not trying to force anything.

[litechick]

Tonight I am thinking of the whole 'you make me want to be a better man' thing.  Some of you might remember this line from Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets.  I have known someone who was clearly a better man when he was with the woman he loved.  You could almost tell his relationship status by his behavior.  'Harmless Asshole' when they were together, 'Super Asshole' when they were apart.

I also have vague memories of Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven where I think he was a bad outlaw killer but then hooked up with a good woman who changed him.

But if you are a good person, why should you want to be with a bad person--even if they are better when they are with you?  Frequently I think of Hannibal Lecter quoting Marcus Aurelius, "Of each particular thing, ask: What is it in itself, in its own constitution? What is its causal nature?"

It seems to me that if a person is generally, casually a bad person, then there's no point in improving them.  Harking back to the parable of the scorpion and the frog, ""A scorpion asks a frog to carry him over a river. The frog is afraid of being stung, but the scorpion argues that if it did so, both would sink and the scorpion would drown. The frog then agrees, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. When asked why, the scorpion points out that this is its nature."

No matter how much a person may want to be good, if their nature is to be bad they will always revert to their nature at some point.

So what do you think?  Can bad people be made good with the right influences or will a dick always be a dick?  Should you nurture a person and try to uncover the good or should you just run?

No matter how bad a person is, they will always have some good qualities but you don't go out with Hitler just because he likes dogs, ya know?

[Jen'ari]

On 6/10/2020 at 3:15 PM, Liffguard said:

Squier Affinity. Nothing fancy, but seems to have good reviews as a beginner instrument. This is my first time playing a string instrument (currently play piano and also brass many years ago). Already finding loads of challenges, but definitely fun so far.

 

Thanks. As far as contact goes, we are gonna try to keep being friends. We were friends before dating, so at least there's a foundation there. Sticking to the odd funny cat picture on messenger for now. After a bit of time and space we'll see if we can go back to normal friend socialization again, but not trying to force anything.

Sorry to hear about your heartache, I hope you are feeling a bit better now .

I’m glad you’re enjoying starting out with the bass, I always get teased by my friend who plays it when I play his because I use a pick and he makes fun of me for playing it like a guitarist, which is kind of expected but he finds it funny nonetheless.

Hopefully we’ve got the next Flea in the making!.

I have to do some instrument tinkering this weekend, I’ve got a Stratocaster which has started developing a habit of snapping the high E string ALL the time .

[S John]

18 hours ago, litechick said:

Tonight I am thinking of the whole 'you make me want to be a better man' thing.  Some of you might remember this line from Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets.  I have known someone who was clearly a better man when he was with the woman he loved.  You could almost tell his relationship status by his behavior.  'Harmless Asshole' when they were together, 'Super Asshole' when they were apart.

I also have vague memories of Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven where I think he was a bad outlaw killer but then hooked up with a good woman who changed him.

But if you are a good person, why should you want to be with a bad person--even if they are better when they are with you?  Frequently I think of Hannibal Lecter quoting Marcus Aurelius, "Of each particular thing, ask: What is it in itself, in its own constitution? What is its causal nature?"

It seems to me that if a person is generally, casually a bad person, then there's no point in improving them.  Harking back to the parable of the scorpion and the frog, ""A scorpion asks a frog to carry him over a river. The frog is afraid of being stung, but the scorpion argues that if it did so, both would sink and the scorpion would drown. The frog then agrees, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. When asked why, the scorpion points out that this is its nature."

No matter how much a person may want to be good, if their nature is to be bad they will always revert to their nature at some point.

So what do you think?  Can bad people be made good with the right influences or will a dick always be a dick?  Should you nurture a person and try to uncover the good or should you just run?

No matter how bad a person is, they will always have some good qualities but you don't go out with Hitler just because he likes dogs, ya know?

This is one of those philosophical questions where you’ll get a different answer depending on a persons own outlook.  I think people can and do change - to a point.  

Here’s the way I look at it.  If someone holds an abhorrent belief, says rude things, tells lies, is mean to people, etc, etc. in something approaching a moderate amount when they are relatively young - say 25 or younger - if that person has demonstrated change since then I’m generally happy to accept it.  

People can behave in exceptionally shitty ways when they are young for a number of stupid and convoluted reasons.  As long as they are not doing physical violence of some kind I can regard occasional youthful shittyness as a passing immaturity as long as the perpetrator no longer demonstrates that kind of behavior.

By the time you are 30 or older, your brain has been fully cured to adult status and I feel like at that point, while you can still change your mind and position on various subjects, (like someone might change political parties at age 50 or something) your base personality is pretty much fully baked in at that point.  If past 30-ish someone is the kind of person who berates their S.O., or is rude to service people, or lies routinely, or takes advantage of people, or any number of other anti-social behaviors then I would be a lot more cautious about that person’s capacity to actually change than I would be about someone who behaved like a bastard when they were younger. 

I guess to try to be succinct, I think at a certain point in life your personality is more or less set.  Someone acts like a POS at age 22, I might give that person another shot and they might deserve it.  Someone age 42 acts like a POS, IMO that behavior is more likely to be closer to who that person really is than with the younger person.

[Liffguard]

On 7/11/2020 at 10:56 AM, Jen'ari said:

Hopefully we’ve got the next Flea in the making!.

Thanks, but I'm aiming for more of an Anthony Jackson vibe. Reckon I'll be a full-fleged virtuoso in a few months. How hard can it be?

[Erik of Hazelfield]

I think when you're young and have a relationship, you grow up together, so you need to accept some flaws in your partner's behavior and try to change them. When you're an adult and have a relationship, your partner better have done the growing up already. I mean, you can still tell them some simple things, but teaching them not to be rude or violent, that's not something you should have to do. Don't date an asshole. You are worth more than that.

[Fury Resurrected]

On 7/11/2020 at 3:51 AM, litechick said:

Tonight I am thinking of the whole 'you make me want to be a better man' thing.  Some of you might remember this line from Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets.  I have known someone who was clearly a better man when he was with the woman he loved.  You could almost tell his relationship status by his behavior.  'Harmless Asshole' when they were together, 'Super Asshole' when they were apart.

I also have vague memories of Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven where I think he was a bad outlaw killer but then hooked up with a good woman who changed him.

But if you are a good person, why should you want to be with a bad person--even if they are better when they are with you?  Frequently I think of Hannibal Lecter quoting Marcus Aurelius, "Of each particular thing, ask: What is it in itself, in its own constitution? What is its causal nature?"

It seems to me that if a person is generally, casually a bad person, then there's no point in improving them.  Harking back to the parable of the scorpion and the frog, ""A scorpion asks a frog to carry him over a river. The frog is afraid of being stung, but the scorpion argues that if it did so, both would sink and the scorpion would drown. The frog then agrees, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. When asked why, the scorpion points out that this is its nature."

No matter how much a person may want to be good, if their nature is to be bad they will always revert to their nature at some point.

So what do you think?  Can bad people be made good with the right influences or will a dick always be a dick?  Should you nurture a person and try to uncover the good or should you just run?

No matter how bad a person is, they will always have some good qualities but you don't go out with Hitler just because he likes dogs, ya know?

I think people can totally change for someone, I’ve seen a lot of my idiot male friends do it. But it doesn’t appear to happen in the relationship itself, it always seems to be they found someone they actually want to be in an adult relationship with who they don’t think would put up with their previous clown behavior, so they do better in order to get into the relationship. And it usually works out. 
 

So, I think a person can choose a more mature path when they find a situation they want that demands it. But the object of that affection usually doesn’t know what kind of person they were in relationships before. If you are asking because someone is currently not what you want but has potential, they probably won’t realize that potential with you. That sucks, but you gotta choose someone who is already what you want to be with

[Buckwheat]

Whenever I feel down and sad and lonely, I miss my ex with whom I am no longer together for more than two years. And I have been feeling like that a lot lately. I hate being single at this stage of my life when I really want to be ready to move in together with somebody and not go to bed alone and spend holidays together and have somebody to talk to ... so then I start missing the only one with whom I ever had just a hint of this. I haven't been in contact with him for almost two years. I had another love interest in between, and that didn't work out. I think I should be ready to stop thinking of him. But for some reason, whenever I am down about anything, he is the one my thoughts go to and today it was so bad I looked him up on social media (didn't see anything new; he blocked/disconnected me at some point, I assume because he was hurt too).

I want a new love interest soon. Preferably one who will be interested back and ready for something serious, not ghost me like the last one.

This is really not only about dating, but about me feeling crappy about my whole life situation, but then it always makes me feel lonely and here we go with the whole thinking of the ex to make me feel even crappier again. It's not like I have enough current worries, I have to return to my past mistakes again and again it seems.

Eh. Sorry for the pathetic interruption in your productive discussion.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

1 hour ago, Buckwheat said:

Eh. Sorry for the pathetic interruption in your productive discussion.

Your post wasn't pathetic, these are feelings most people experience. My ex fiance's birthday was a few days ago. It's been a decade since I celebrated it with her. I still think about her from time to time, but the pain, regret, disappointment, what have you fades as the years go on. I had a different LTR ex reach out to me and ask why things didn't work out, because she was having the same thoughts about me. Love is hard. Don't beat yourself up too much over it. 

[Fury Resurrected]

4 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

Whenever I feel down and sad and lonely, I miss my ex with whom I am no longer together for more than two years. And I have been feeling like that a lot lately. I hate being single at this stage of my life when I really want to be ready to move in together with somebody and not go to bed alone and spend holidays together and have somebody to talk to ... so then I start missing the only one with whom I ever had just a hint of this. I haven't been in contact with him for almost two years. I had another love interest in between, and that didn't work out. I think I should be ready to stop thinking of him. But for some reason, whenever I am down about anything, he is the one my thoughts go to and today it was so bad I looked him up on social media (didn't see anything new; he blocked/disconnected me at some point, I assume because he was hurt too).

I want a new love interest soon. Preferably one who will be interested back and ready for something serious, not ghost me like the last one.

This is really not only about dating, but about me feeling crappy about my whole life situation, but then it always makes me feel lonely and here we go with the whole thinking of the ex to make me feel even crappier again. It's not like I have enough current worries, I have to return to my past mistakes again and again it seems.

Eh. Sorry for the pathetic interruption in your productive discussion.

Don’t beat yourself up, we are all guilty of nostalgia and creeping our exes on the internet

[Buckwheat]

Thank you, both.  It feels great to be able to at least vent here. I recognise this is a pattern that mostly happens whenever I feel bad about something else. Recently, I have been feeling crappy about the whole joblessness situation (have been getting up to 4 rejection letters a day and almost no interviews), and then it all comes back to this.

[Maithanet]

7 hours ago, Buckwheat said:

Thank you, both.  It feels great to be able to at least vent here. I recognise this is a pattern that mostly happens whenever I feel bad about something else. Recently, I have been feeling crappy about the whole joblessness situation (have been getting up to 4 rejection letters a day and almost no interviews), and then it all comes back to this.

That sucks for sure.    We're all stressed right now, it is a super stressful time.  It's no surprise at all that your brain would seek out some sort of easy answer, even if you know it isn't right.  

[sologdin]

Quote

This is one of those philosophical questions where you’ll get a different answer depending on a persons own outlook.  I think people can and do change - to a point.  

all of my actual spouses, and all of my potential spouses, have said, severally, why you gotta be such a communist and i said, to each of them, respectively, gonna make a change for you, baby, gonna send you to re-education camp to get your mind right.  if they made it there, they never made it back.

upon reflection i discern the abject wrongness thereof, the correct interpretation of course was that i am the re-education camp from whom divorce is both liberation and graduation.

[litechick]

On 7/14/2020 at 11:41 AM, Fury Resurrected said:

I think people can totally change for someone, I’ve seen a lot of my idiot male friends do it. But it doesn’t appear to happen in the relationship itself, it always seems to be they found someone they actually want to be in an adult relationship with who they don’t think would put up with their previous clown behavior, so they do better in order to get into the relationship. And it usually works out.

That's interesting.  I never saw it from that perspective.

S John, I get you.  I largely agree.  Maybe you will get the reference:  Maude Flanders goes to Bible Camp to learn to be more judgmental.  For me, one of the mistakes I make over and over again in life is not being judgmental enough.  I give the benefit of the doubt far beyond the point of reason.

I can't tell you how many times I have found myself thinking, 'oh!  That's my mistake.  I assumed that you possessed basic human decency and you don't.'  Clearly I have extremely poor judgment.

[Heartofice]

On 7/14/2020 at 11:45 PM, Buckwheat said:

Whenever I feel down and sad and lonely, I miss my ex with whom I am no longer together for more than two years. And I have been feeling like that a lot lately. I hate being single at this stage of my life when I really want to be ready to move in together with somebody and not go to bed alone and spend holidays together and have somebody to talk to ... so then I start missing the only one with whom I ever had just a hint of this. I haven't been in contact with him for almost two years. I had another love interest in between, and that didn't work out. I think I should be ready to stop thinking of him. But for some reason, whenever I am down about anything, he is the one my thoughts go to and today it was so bad I looked him up on social media (didn't see anything new; he blocked/disconnected me at some point, I assume because he was hurt too).

I want a new love interest soon. Preferably one who will be interested back and ready for something serious, not ghost me like the last one.

This is really not only about dating, but about me feeling crappy about my whole life situation, but then it always makes me feel lonely and here we go with the whole thinking of the ex to make me feel even crappier again. It's not like I have enough current worries, I have to return to my past mistakes again and again it seems.

Eh. Sorry for the pathetic interruption in your productive discussion.

I think we’ve all been there.

My only advice would be to not project your own wants and feelings about yourself onto another person. It’s easy to think back about good times and try and reconnect to that. But that person wasn’t the thing making you happy or unhappy.