Liffguard Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 3 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said: For me, there’s either immediate chemistry or there isn’t. Yep, same here. If I don't feel the attraction within the first minute of meeting someone, then the odds are I never will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fury Resurrected Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 There have been lots of people (including my current, Young Boring Danzig) who started as friends of mine and it kinda just never occurred to me to consider whether I found them attractive or not until I blundered into an unintentionally romantic/sexual situation with them. It’s worked out, and sometimes if you are focused on a relationship and then it ends, you find you might not have noticed things like that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 3 hours ago, Xray the Enforcer said: Not all dealbreakers should be gotten over, tbh. Behavioral ones, like saying cruel things to your partner and then saying "I was just teasing," which is what a lot of immature and/or abusive people do, should never be swept aside "if everything else is OK" because holy shit so many of my friends have gotten into abusive, horrible relationships that way, and then stayed there and it also fucked up their kids. So, like, don't do that. But physical appearance dealbreakers -- which is what it sounds like you're talking about -- are absolutely surmountable. A lot of times, it happens by itself as you get to know the person better. If everything else is awesome, you just tend to stop noticing the other thing as much until it's not a dealbreaker anymore. Oh, I absolutely have no intention of doing that (ignoring obvious signs of insensitive or abusive behaviour). The dealbreaker I mentioned is totally visual. 2 hours ago, Xray the Enforcer said: ETA: I should note that none of those are dealbreakers for me and I'm generally very VERY unfond of talking shit about age-related body changes, because everyone gets old, and not everyone has enough disposable income to get corrective surgery. Consider that a mod warning to keep it classy and don't shame people for age-related body changes. All of that said, the first two are pretty easily corrected with inexpensive grooming tools. Duly noted. I was trying to be sensitive enough and to make it clear this was a me problem that I am doing my best to get over, not a problem on any other person's side. I would never shame people for their appearance, I have been a target of such bullying before and don't intend to do the same to others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 I’m really frustrated because I know I could be attractive if I put more effort into looking after my physical and mental health more. People are nice about my appearance but friends have to be. I was doing SO well in 2019, by autumn last year I was genuinely right at the cusp of goal weight, getting fitter all the time. Felt so much healthier mentally and physically and even had a couple people take a vague interest and then 2020 has happened and it feels like everything has been ruined. I’m not desolate because I know I can get back to where I was eventually and I’ve also done a lot of cool big life things to be proud of. In many ways my life is pretty good. But I worry that basically having no sexual or romantic experience in my whole 20s is going to negatively effect me. Like when I finally get around to being in a good place and genuinely ready to give it a go I’m not going to know what the fuck to do I think 26 is a write off for me. 27 is going to take a lot of work so I’m thinking 28 will be my year, bring on 2022 lmao. But then...people are going to wonder why a 28 year old woman is hopeless!!! Hate the stereotype of women finding dating easier and having more options. Not in rural bloody Cornwall you don’t :| Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Chatywin et al. Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 1 hour ago, Theda Baratheon said: I’m really frustrated because I know I could be attractive if I put more effort into looking after my physical and mental health more. People are nice about my appearance but friends have to be. I was doing SO well in 2019, by autumn last year I was genuinely right at the cusp of goal weight, getting fitter all the time. Felt so much healthier mentally and physically and even had a couple people take a vague interest and then 2020 has happened and it feels like everything has been ruined. I’m not desolate because I know I can get back to where I was eventually and I’ve also done a lot of cool big life things to be proud of. In many ways my life is pretty good. But I worry that basically having no sexual or romantic experience in my whole 20s is going to negatively effect me. Like when I finally get around to being in a good place and genuinely ready to give it a go I’m not going to know what the fuck to do I think 26 is a write off for me. 27 is going to take a lot of work so I’m thinking 28 will be my year, bring on 2022 lmao. But then...people are going to wonder why a 28 year old woman is hopeless!!! Hate the stereotype of women finding dating easier and having more options. Not in rural bloody Cornwall you don’t :| Don't let it affect you. We're all different. The best advice I can give you is to just not overthink it. When you meet the right guy (or lady), you'll know, eventually feel comfortable, and they'll understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 2 hours ago, Buckwheat said: Duly noted. I was trying to be sensitive enough and to make it clear this was a me problem that I am doing my best to get over, not a problem on any other person's side. I would never shame people for their appearance, I have been a target of such bullying before and don't intend to do the same to others. I think your comments have been totally acceptable, so no worries there. It's OK to not be into lush nostril hair. I just didn't want the conversation to drift into a listing of all the ways that our bodies change as we get older coupled with the "ew grooooosssss" kind of commentary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoodedCrow Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 X-ray, I’d be the worlds worst moderator, so, nice catch:) Okay, don’t physically check their credit, but play detective a bit. I knew a person who was busy dating people. He tried it with me, and I felt uneasy. It turned out he was lying about where he worked, told me he was a math prof and someone else that he was an orthopedic surgeon( complete with medical advice). I found out that he was basically a con artist and everything he said was made up. Sort of like Trump. He spoke only to manipulate. He trash talked all the people that he knew of. ( that is so they, and only they, are supposed to be trustworthy and so they disparage others.Now I know he didn’t ever tell the truth. I ignored someone who said that he didn’t work where he said and he’d been in jail. He stole his girlfriend’s expensive windshield wipers and replaced them with bad ones. He was that low. If you aren’t a con artist yourself, or haven't experienced the con, it is hard to believe! He wasn’t violent but he was a committed criminal. By now you have probably seen Trump who has millions in debt, and his behavior screams desperation. And mendacity. He goes to a lot of trouble to maintain his illusion. It is not about wealth, class, or stalking. But do stay vigilant before you do anything serious. The financial issues are real. If you ever have joint accounts, you need to pay attention. I also know a married couple where one person didn’t pay the bills and put money into their own, non joint, account and then found a friend. Chataya manages her credit, but most people don’t. I’ve switched countries. I had great credit and had to come back in another country as a newborn babe ( relax, it’s a metaphor:))without credit and I had to do it again. It’s actually quite possible to improve It.You also don’t really want to take on another person’s debt and bad habits. Imagine having an argument over every purchase? Noticing how people handle money is a pro tip! One can expand one’s attraction zone:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Chatywin et al. Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 12 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said: @Hooded Crow - most people do a bit of online checking up, sometimes getting deeper if there are unanswered questions or things seem off - or, they just break it off if things look dodgy. I dated a guy whose story absolutely checked out until we got to the part about his divorce Yes, he was really an SVP at Visa (LinkedIn, subsequent lawsuit with the Hong Kong company). Yes, he did quit to go be a CEO at a start-up in Hong Kong. He did (per the court filings) earn $350k plus bonus per year and was entitled in a fair severance agreement to this, that, and the other (all in the court filings). However, his house was still in his AND his wife’s name AND there was no record of even a divorce petition much less a decree. Dropped like a hot rock. And that only took one hour of sleuthing just to be really, really sure I hadn’t missed a divorce. He traveled a lot for work, as after the Hong Kong company, he worked for a payments firm with a regional base in ATL, and I surmise that I was just his “Atlanta girlfriend” He was still living in New Jersey with, I suppose, his wife. As an honest liar, you now terrify me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HexMachina Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 A question for those of you currently in or searching for a long-term relationship. Did you ever go through a time/stage of your life where you just felt you could not abide the thought of ever having to give up your independence and privacy and live with someone else? I find myself feeling like that now, that I could not possibly live with someone or share a space with someone because i value my alone time too much. To the point where even the idea of sharing a flat/house with a friend is unappealing and I’m reluctant to spend more than overnight at my parents house. I’m asking this here because I wonder if any of you who have entered long-term or more significant romantic relationships have ever felt like this, and whether it proved a barrier to your relationships, whether it was a feeling that passed, etc. I’m interested to hear your thoughts. I’m always unsure whether these kinds of feelings and desires for solitude are typical or tie back to things like anxiety, depression etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larry of the Lawn Posted October 14, 2020 Share Posted October 14, 2020 2 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said: A question for those of you currently in or searching for a long-term relationship. Did you ever go through a time/stage of your life where you just felt you could not abide the thought of ever having to give up your independence and privacy and live with someone else? I find myself feeling like that now, that I could not possibly live with someone or share a space with someone because i value my alone time too much. To the point where even the idea of sharing a flat/house with a friend is unappealing and I’m reluctant to spend more than overnight at my parents house. I’m asking this here because I wonder if any of you who have entered long-term or more significant romantic relationships have ever felt like this, and whether it proved a barrier to your relationships, whether it was a feeling that passed, etc. I’m interested to hear your thoughts. I’m always unsure whether these kinds of feelings and desires for solitude are typical or tie back to things like anxiety, depression etc. All the time. I've been living with a roommate the last 5 years, and while she's great, I'm likely moving out this winter, and the idea of sharing a living space with another human gives me hives. if I can financially swing it i am hoping to live alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derfel Cadarn Posted October 14, 2020 Share Posted October 14, 2020 10 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said: A question for those of you currently in or searching for a long-term relationship. Did you ever go through a time/stage of your life where you just felt you could not abide the thought of ever having to give up your independence and privacy and live with someone else? I find myself feeling like that now, that I could not possibly live with someone or share a space with someone because i value my alone time too much. To the point where even the idea of sharing a flat/house with a friend is unappealing and I’m reluctant to spend more than overnight at my parents house. I’m asking this here because I wonder if any of you who have entered long-term or more significant romantic relationships have ever felt like this, and whether it proved a barrier to your relationships, whether it was a feeling that passed, etc. I’m interested to hear your thoughts. I’m always unsure whether these kinds of feelings and desires for solitude are typical or tie back to things like anxiety, depression etc. After living in my flat alone for 14 years, I knew it would be a difficult transition when my now-wife moved in. I liked having my own time and even now cherish when can get some alone time (more difficult now we’ve a child). It does help I’ve been working from home since March. It’s trying tonfind a balance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartofice Posted October 14, 2020 Share Posted October 14, 2020 What I will say is that I don't think preferring to have your own space is anything like a permanent state that is set in stone, and we can all adjust to new circumstances, it just takes a while. I used to be terrified of the idea of living with someone else and not being able to spend loads of time on my own doing what I wanted. But then you meet people and you move in together and you get married and you have kids, and over time your own personal time falls away and diminishes. And you know what, I don't mind it now. Sure I would like more space than I have now, but its not something that makes me want to scream and run out of the room like it might have been a few years ago. Over time you just change. Having loads of space is really just a habit, and we are all scared of changing our habits, but eventually you get new habits, and hopefully those are healthier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starkess Posted October 14, 2020 Share Posted October 14, 2020 Well, our first application was denied. We compiled some more evidence and submitted again. I know it was silly to hope, but it's so hard not to... 19 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said: A question for those of you currently in or searching for a long-term relationship. Did you ever go through a time/stage of your life where you just felt you could not abide the thought of ever having to give up your independence and privacy and live with someone else? I find myself feeling like that now, that I could not possibly live with someone or share a space with someone because i value my alone time too much. To the point where even the idea of sharing a flat/house with a friend is unappealing and I’m reluctant to spend more than overnight at my parents house. I’m asking this here because I wonder if any of you who have entered long-term or more significant romantic relationships have ever felt like this, and whether it proved a barrier to your relationships, whether it was a feeling that passed, etc. I’m interested to hear your thoughts. I’m always unsure whether these kinds of feelings and desires for solitude are typical or tie back to things like anxiety, depression etc. Yes, for sure. I have frequently said that my ideal living arrangement would be a duplex with my partner and I each getting a side. I like my alone time a LOT. But I've also found that, while it does sometimes have friction points, living with a partner has been doable. There are plenty of people in happy relationships who have separate bedrooms and even separate homes. There is nothing that says that even a serious relationship or marriage requires cohabitation, although it is financially advantageous and, I imagine, more logistically practical if there are children involved. But you may find that if you get into a long-term relationship, you won't mind that one person sharing your space a lot of the time. For example, I tend to sleep in later than my boyfriend, and he usually gets up and has breakfast and chills in the living room, and then when he knows it's around the time I tend to wake up he comes back to back and snuggles with me until I'm awake. I love that and I miss it terribly when we're apart. Then again, he steals the blankets and sometimes kicks me in his sleep so... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigFatCoward Posted October 14, 2020 Share Posted October 14, 2020 Join the police and work shifts. You never get to see your partner, often sleep alone at random times, and get stretches of days off during the week when you can just sit in the house in your pants eating crisps and watching whatever you want on the TV. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starkess Posted October 14, 2020 Share Posted October 14, 2020 Or the military. I honestly think that part of the reason my relationship with my ex worked for as long as it did was because one or both of us was on sea duty for the first several years so we got lots of alone time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raja Posted October 14, 2020 Share Posted October 14, 2020 Or Medicine! I just got off a series of night shifts from Friday to Monday and I've been off work from Monday to Thursday. Just random days off here and and there that makes you lose track of time ( I thought today was a Friday) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Chatywin et al. Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 1 minute ago, Chataya de Fleury said: Try accounting! I once was at the office for 36 hours straight while filing an S-3 and some debt amendments. Before Covid and working from home, 12 hours a day at the office was fairly standard. I once went in on Christmas Day after the gifts were opened. Of course, this may be the reason I’ve been divorced twice and can only date doctors and investment bankers, because those are the only people who understand my work/life balance. Talk to me when you're working 18 hours a day, everyday, for months on end, and then on your day off you get randomly called upon to speak after a sitting Congressman, while you're a complete corpse and told the MC you would not be speaking at the event. Fake it till you make it.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liffguard Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 14 hours ago, Raja said: Or Medicine! I just got off a series of night shifts from Friday to Monday and I've been off work from Monday to Thursday. Just random days off here and and there that makes you lose track of time ( I thought today was a Friday) 11 hours ago, Chataya de Fleury said: Try accounting! I once was at the office for 36 hours straight while filing an S-3 and some debt amendments. Before Covid and working from home, 12 hours a day at the office was fairly standard. I once went in on Christmas Day after the gifts were opened. Of course, this may be the reason I’ve been divorced twice and can only date doctors and investment bankers, because those are the only people who understand my work/life balance. 10 hours ago, Tywin et al. said: Talk to me when you're working 18 hours a day, everyday, for months on end, and then on your day off you get randomly called upon to speak after a sitting Congressman, while you're a complete corpse and told the MC you would not be speaking at the event. Fake it till you make it.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
broken one Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 looking at your post counts I think I know where all the time has gone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Chatywin et al. Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 2 hours ago, Liffguard said: I needed that laugh you cheeky Brit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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