Dating Thread: "Pain, disorder, occasional clarity"

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

5 hours ago, Heartofice said:

I think the reality is that most guys will rarely get responses from anyone, and most girls will get far too many responses from people they simply aren't attracted to. Women certainly don't have their pick at all, it's still the attractive people who get to choose. 

As a social experiment an attractive woman in a psych lab I worked in made a dating profile. I swear her inbox was full immediately. 

Quote

I think online dating just accentuates the differences in male / female dating and makes it especially cold and calculating. You are able to see quite quickly what forces are at work, in a way that doesn't become apparent with usual dating.

It's worth noting these dynamics change with time. It balances out with age.

In regards to messaging en masse, just treat your message like a cover letter. Introduce yourself a bit, then leave it as generic as possible so it's easier to tailor it to her profile. And make it unique. Women getting flooded with messages will spot the obvious C&P messages. You gotta balance quality and quantity.

And just no with an emoji message. 

[Liffguard]

4 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

In regards to messaging en masse, just treat your message like a cover letter.

I do think it's kind of funny that you use this particular comparison, since another of the things that turns me off online dating is how much it resembles a job search.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

9 minutes ago, Liffguard said:

I do think it's kind of funny that you use this particular comparison, since another of the things that turns me off online dating is how much it resembles a job search.

I've used this analogy before. They really are the same process when you think about.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

34 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

I use the analogy all the time. I agree with @Tywin et al. - it’s a very similar process.

Another to keep in mind is how a salesperson behaves. It's also a lot like beginning the dating process. 

[Datepalm]

I. Am. So. Fucking. Tired.

Like, exhausted. I just want to shut down every device in the house, and every voice in my head, and sleep for a week.

So I've been trying to date. I went on a date. It was ok. That's not true. It wasn't ok. But it wasn't like memorably bad, bad enough to write something about, bad enough to laugh about, etc. Just bad. Needy and eager and a little gross and a little pushy - I should not need to tell you three times I don't want a second drink. You should not order it anyway after that - and blah. And no, I do not need to kiss you in the parking lot to check whether we have chemistry. Believe me, if I didn't know before, I know now. Now there's more app texting (from new people) and I'm already tired of it and stop.

And then there's *ducks* Econ Guy. Yesterday we had an ok talk. One of the good ones. After he reduced me to silent tears of sheer exhaustion on a call about research methods the day before. Fine - apparently every text he gets from me is anxiety inducing because I pry into his life. Maybe don't fucking text me how you're depressed and angry and nothing is exciting then. And don't police what I can and cannot say to you. And if you dislike me that much, stop pulling me into to projects with you. But we actually talked about that and seemed like we arrived at some sort of delicate balance. This morning he texted me to re-send him my CV and stuff, because he's deleted "every piece of our history" and we have now "met yesterday". Including, like, emails with budget spreadsheets. And had to tell me about it. Hey, I've deleted our text history before. I didn't fucking text you to inform you of it.  I just can't believe how exhausted I am of him now and how I seem to spiral deeper with every interaction even if all of it is us yelling at each other about who couldn't care less about who and who never did and who is gladder this is just professional now (I had, honest to god, pre-written notes to this effect) like we're erasing some profound relationship and not six years (oh my god) of tetchy text messages about scheduling conflicts. I'd probably still sleep with him. I think.

[Xray the Enforcer]

@Chataya de Fleury very nice choice of avatar

@Datepalm omg please launch econ guy into orbit

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

48 minutes ago, Chataya de Fleury said:

@Datepalm - yikes!!!

Get rod of Econ Guy!

Thirds. 

[Datepalm]

Just now, Chataya de Fleury said:

As one of my friends always says “it’s like catching a bus. There’s always gonna be another bus.”

Unfortunately, project with Econ Guy literally titled "Women and Public Transport Access."

I know he's a weird disaster who can't seem to pull loose of a dynamic he appears to profoundly not enjoy any more than I can., which is sort of pitiable, I guess. In my defense, I actually did sort of cut him off today and told him I needed a break and didn't let it/make it spiral into another day or week.

[Fury Resurrected]

@Datepalm- please ghost Econ guy forever

[Erik of Hazelfield]

Just to post a defense of online dating -  no matter how impersonal, gameified, or resembling a job application it is, it still does represent a credible way of meeting someone. Like, how else do you meet a potential partner? At work? Yeah that could work, or it could be a disaster which you'll have to stare in the face for the rest of your employment, or it just doesn't happen because none of your coworkers are suitable matches for you. At a bar? Sure, but the chances of getting drunk and randomly finding someone that matches your interests seems pretty slim. Meeting through mutual friends or interests? That's probably the best, but if you don't have that many of either, it just might never happen.

For all it's faults, online dating at least gets you to meet some dates. For me, one of them worked out and we now live together. 

Ceterum autem censeo Econ Guy esse ghostum. 

[Heartofice]

4 minutes ago, Erik of Hazelfield said:

Just to post a defense of online dating -  no matter how impersonal, gameified, or resembling a job application it is, it still does represent a credible way of meeting someone. Like, how else do you meet a potential partner? At work? Yeah that could work, or it could be a disaster which you'll have to stare in the face for the rest of your employment, or it just doesn't happen because none of your coworkers are suitable matches for you. At a bar? Sure, but the chances of getting drunk and randomly finding someone that matches your interests seems pretty slim. Meeting through mutual friends or interests? That's probably the best, but if you don't have that many of either, it just might never happen.

For all it's faults, online dating at least gets you to meet some dates. For me, one of them worked out and we now live together. 

Ceterum autem censeo Econ Guy esse ghostum. 

Yeah same, online dating creates odd dynamics and can skew things quite a lot, and is probably pretty damaging for a lot of people, but often the alternative is to shrink your potential dating pool to a minimum. 

Dating at work is really a massive no no. If it is even allowed with HR that is, it could just go horribly wrong and then wreck your career at the same time. It's a shame but really most people these days need to totally separate work and play! 

At least online you get to potentially meet a bunch of people and get comfortable meeting new people and figure out what works and doesn't work for you. I'd hate to make all those mistakes at work!

[Erik of Hazelfield]

Well, my parents met at work and they're still together 40+ years later. So I guess I have to post a defense of that too. 

No wait, my ex wife and I met at work. Forget what I said. Dating your coworkers sucks. 

Come to think of it, maybe every way of dating works, or sucks, depending on your preferences, your surroundings and your luck. 

[BigFatCoward]

14 hours ago, Erik of Hazelfield said:

 

Come to think of it, maybe every way of dating works, or sucks, depending on your preferences, your surroundings and your luck. 

And how picky you are.  

Even though I'm happy now, I did used to think that for dating only, being blind would be helpful.  The number of perfectly good women who I couldnt see myself with long term, due to lack of physical attraction, but who were wonderful in every other way was absurd. 

Even though I'm older, wiser and less shallow than in my 20's and early 30's, I still couldnt imagine myself with someone who I didn't find fit as fuck. 

[3CityApache]

Well, I met my soon to be ex-wife when we were both at college in mid-nineties, and I've never been dating since. What are the odds of meeting anyone in any way now, twenty some years later?

[broken one]

16 minutes ago, 3CityApache said:

Well, I met my soon to be ex-wife when we were both at college in mid-nineties, and I've never been dating since. What are the odds of meeting anyone in any way now, twenty some years later?

better, I think. my single friends use tinder (and talk about it all the time )

[BigFatCoward]

49 minutes ago, 3CityApache said:

Well, I met my soon to be ex-wife when we were both at college in mid-nineties, and I've never been dating since. What are the odds of meeting anyone in any way now, twenty some years later?

Depends on how keen you are. For me, it would be weird as shit to meet someone else if me and my wife broke up. And I've only been with her for coming up to 12 years. Close to 25 years with the same person takes some getting over, just the logistics of being round someone else would blown mind.  What if they want to sleep on my side of the bed, or kiss with their eyes open? 

[3CityApache]

1 hour ago, BigFatCoward said:

For me, it would be weird as shit to meet someone else if me and my wife broke up. 

This, exactly. Even though it wasn't actually 25 years, we're more or less not together since 2016, and definitely apart from mid-2018. Hell lot of time anyway. So, I'm not particularly keen indeed.

[maarsen]

6 hours ago, BigFatCoward said:

Depends on how keen you are. For me, it would be weird as shit to meet someone else if me and my wife broke up. And I've only been with her for coming up to 12 years. Close to 25 years with the same person takes some getting over, just the logistics of being round someone else would blown mind.  What if they want to sleep on my side of the bed, or kiss with their eyes open? 

If your eyes are closed how would you know hers are open? 

[3CityApache]

She could always want him to keep his eyes open, right?

[The Mance]

22 minutes ago, 3CityApache said:

She could always want him to keep his eyes open, right?

Ya, an ex was hurt that I "didn't want to look at her" when we kissed.  Never mind the fact that trying to "look at her" from 3 inches away made my eyeballs turn inside out.