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Dating Thread: "Pain, disorder, occasional clarity"

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On 9/16/2019 at 7:41 PM, Buckwheat said:

@Theda Baratheon, without going into too much detail on a public thread, I admit I am in a similar position. :blushing: :leaving:

Hahahah we should meet up and be each other’s wing woman LOL 

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18 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Hahahah we should meet up and be each other’s wing woman LOL 

I mean, are you coming to Austria in the next few months? :lol:

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15 hours ago, nah said:

Ok, really can somebody explain why (some) white girls' eyes turn fucking red when they see a white guy with an Asian chick? The next person who projects their own racist bullshit onto that situation with some variation of "Well do you like her because of how subservient she is?" is getting their goddamn head bitten off.

That aside, I swear to god going from a small(ish) town to a big(BIG) city is like, SO much easier to meet people. Anybody feel more confident, more separated from their old baggage in a new place? I swear dating goes from being an ordeal to almost being enjoyable :D

Kind of incoherent on that first paragragh on what your point was.  Can you clarify?  

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5 hours ago, Triskele said:

Kind of incoherent on that first paragragh on what your point was.  Can you clarify?  

I think he was saying that there are some people who assume that any pairing of a white man with an Asian woman is an example of "yellow fever," and that this assumption is bullshit.

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seemed to me that it is a lament about subconjunctival hemorrhage and the deleterious effects thereof in confecting a menage a trois, or so.

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Just swiped left on a tinder user who listed her employment as "The Electroysis Institute of America".  I could be accurately described as an hirsute man, and I wasn't prepared to fly that close to the sun.

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On 9/23/2019 at 6:50 PM, larrytheimp said:

Just swiped left on a tinder user who listed her employment as "The Electroysis Institute of America".  I could be accurately described as an hirsute man, and I wasn't prepared to fly that close to the sun.

 

Quote

 

"There are others like me," said the Electrolysis Tertiary

Flee...the Voice commanded..  

"Others far stronger..."

FLEE!

 

 

 

 

Sorry folks.  I'd made it 37 days without blurting out some Bakker in a thread, about double my previous record, before last night's relapse.  Calling my sponsor...

Edited by Triskele

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I got myself a smartphone for the first time last month (yes I've been a caveman for many years!). Yesterday I did something I thought I'd never do: download a dating app. I chose Happn. Hopefully won't cross paths with a catfish.

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Well, for the first time I'm the one who ended things, rather than the one being broken up with, and I feel like fucking garbage. We hadn't even been together that long, it was only about a month and we'd kept things pretty casual. But it was clear she was feeling very strongly about the relationship, and I wasn't, and I decided I needed to end things before things started getting serious and the eventual break-up would be so much worse. Turns out, it was still pretty bad; even though I think she took the news as well as someone can.

It was the right decision, and I do feel like a weight has been lifted from me, but I also feel really shitty.

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14 hours ago, Fez said:

It was the right decision, and I do feel like a weight has been lifted from me, but I also feel really shitty.

It's a shitty feeling all right.  But it will feel a bit less so (for both of you) tomorrow, and before long it won't feel like much of anything.  Which is what you're going for in a breakup. 

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22 hours ago, Fez said:

Well, for the first time I'm the one who ended things, rather than the one being broken up with, and I feel like fucking garbage. We hadn't even been together that long, it was only about a month and we'd kept things pretty casual. But it was clear she was feeling very strongly about the relationship, and I wasn't, and I decided I needed to end things before things started getting serious and the eventual break-up would be so much worse. Turns out, it was still pretty bad; even though I think she took the news as well as someone can.

It was the right decision, and I do feel like a weight has been lifted from me, but I also feel really shitty.

You did the right thing, don't be too hard on yourself. Question though, given that we're the same age and this is the first time you ended things, is it fair to assume you're the type who stays in bad relationships hoping the other will be the one to end things one day?

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23 hours ago, Maithanet said:

It's a shitty feeling all right.  But it will feel a bit less so (for both of you) tomorrow, and before long it won't feel like much of anything.  Which is what you're going for in a breakup. 

Yeah, I'm already feeling a lot better. It helps that I know it was the right decision; but I do feel a twinge of regret when I think about her. It's just a sucky situation, I don't like hurting people's feelings.

15 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

You did the right thing, don't be too hard on yourself. Question though, given that we're the same age and this is the first time you ended things, is it fair to assume you're the type who stays in bad relationships hoping the other will be the one to end things one day?

I don't think so; although in fairness we're talking about a relatively small sample size here. I've certainly been the one who decided after a first or second date that someone wasn't for me, but that's not ending a relationship. And, as far as those go, I'd generally classify them as either bad relationships that I was hoping we could fix or bad relationships that I thought were good (but clearly weren't to the other person). Or relationships in the very early stages, like this one was, where the other person made the decision I made here; that it wasn't going to work out, but that I wouldn't call a bad relationship either.

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I am still here and I still don't know what I'm doing. It's been a pretty bad 6-8 weeks vis a vis Mad Economist Dude, where he's gotten both more distant and simultaneously more controlling and part of me is seeing - I do see them - the red flags around his demands of what I can can't say and when and where, ultimatums, repeated passive-aggressive mis-schedulings, putdowns mixed with overwrought compliments (shades of my truly toxic, full-on-ethics-committee, MA advisor there) etc.

And part of me is just, eh, whatever. I've had a few episodes of melodramatic, proper strings of text messages of all out full girl crazy. Which, generally, are not a thing for me. So I still sort of observe this part of personality he brings out with some interest and sense of, huh, well that was getting out of the old comfort zone, good for you Datepalm! While, y'know, crying.

Some of this, to be fair, is really honestly just garden variety bad days with hormones and stress and the usual. I mean, my advisor looked over my somewhat ambitious plan for the term two months ago, told me he'd support it, but that he was watching my mental health. So, my advisor is great, but also hasn't really, really seen the low points that have happened, rather as he predicted. Mad Economist Dude has instead, and it has crossed my mind that if I was going to destroy a personal and/or professional relationship through the stress of this term, well, better him than, say, one of my real advisors and collaborators, not to mention actual friends.

Anyway, hard to know where we left it, but I think we may still be working together. With my luck, I'll actually get one these grants that I tried for for this project and have to decide what to do. (More than that, I think I may already have a bit of funding on a bigger project that I really want to use to at least test this idea, (I should know in a few weeks) and a. we developed it together, and b. I would need someone with a similar background methodologically to do it right (and, selfishly, learn) and its one thing to just drop the whole lot, but maybe another to keep working on it with someone else? On the other hand, he's truly being an ass. On the third hand, I'm being, uh, difficult. This is also true.) Headscratcher, all of it.

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This little post may come out as odd. I don't care though.

I am in love with someone. He is even my God basically because I know what he did once. 

I used to be a whore in high school. Like I really was not literally a whore, but you get the point. I am now a 'born again virgin' by self choice. Haven't had sex in years. It's really not a mistake to me. But it's difficult. I would love to be a little bit different. Well I wish I could change my high school years. I am ashamed of myself and how I acted. 

It is a loveless life, but I think I will straighten up because I am 27 now. I really have not learned lessons I should have through dating and being in relationships. I don't interpret situations well. And I would love to flirt. I'm a mostly analytical person who 'doesn't interpret right'. Strange, but yeah. 

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On 11/3/2019 at 4:10 AM, bad robot productions said:

This little post may come out as odd. I don't care though.

I am in love with someone. He is even my God basically because I know what he did once. 

I used to be a whore in high school. Like I really was not literally a whore, but you get the point. I am now a 'born again virgin' by self choice. Haven't had sex in years. It's really not a mistake to me. But it's difficult. I would love to be a little bit different. Well I wish I could change my high school years. I am ashamed of myself and how I acted. 

It is a loveless life, but I think I will straighten up because I am 27 now. I really have not learned lessons I should have through dating and being in relationships. I don't interpret situations well. And I would love to flirt. I'm a mostly analytical person who 'doesn't interpret right'. Strange, but yeah. 

Why do you feel shame? And why the born again virgin thing if you want to flirt? I’m trying to be respectful because it’s been about six years since Ive had sex. I’ve fooled around a bit over the years with a couple people but that’s it. I never really dated or had boyfriends much in school either but I don’t think it’s shameful. I kind of want a “ho” phase lol. I have some kind of invisible wall or block that I put around myself and I think if I broke it down then dating and having sex would just become easier and easier. 

Do you want to have sex with this person? Or not at all? Sorry not trying to pry just interested. 

Anyway, someone I really fancy asked me to get coffee and now I’m like shiiiiiit because any kind of intimacy terrifies me and I’m like a rabbit in the headlights and I just run away from it. I do this every time but it has to stop soon. I’m kind of...frustrated most of the time lol. Sometimes I feel like some kind of pervert when I fancy someone but I need to stop thinking that way especially as my fantasies are like the most tame shit ever lol. 

I’m finally at a point where I’m looking good as well. I can dance all night, I’m getting fit, I look okay. Just want someone to want me at this point!!! I’m being wasted lol!! Need to get the practise in or I’ll be useless forever and never meet anyone :lol: 

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4 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Why do you feel shame? And why the born again virgin thing if you want to flirt? I’m trying to be respectful because it’s been about six years since Ive had sex. I’ve fooled around a bit over the years with a couple people but that’s it. I never really dated or had boyfriends much in school either but I don’t think it’s shameful. I kind of want a “ho” phase lol. I have some kind of invisible wall or block that I put around myself and I think if I broke it down then dating and having sex would just become easier and easier. 

Do you want to have sex with this person? Or not at all? Sorry not trying to pry just interested. 

Anyway, someone I really fancy asked me to get coffee and now I’m like shiiiiiit because any kind of intimacy terrifies me and I’m like a rabbit in the headlights and I just run away from it. I do this every time but it has to stop soon. I’m kind of...frustrated most of the time lol. Sometimes I feel like some kind of pervert when I fancy someone but I need to stop thinking that way especially as my fantasies are like the most tame shit ever lol. 

I’m finally at a point where I’m looking good as well. I can dance all night, I’m getting fit, I look okay. Just want someone to want me at this point!!! I’m being wasted lol!! Need to get the practise in or I’ll be useless forever and never meet anyone :lol: 

Sorry, just to clear this up - did you actually turn down his/her offer to go for coffee? Even if so its never too late to change your mind if you feel up to it. Tell him/her you reconsidered or have time another day if they are free or something.

In terms of dealing wi5 that feeling of being terrified, i always try to just view it as a friendship kind of thing. Coffee date would be really good for that for me as i meet my friend for coffee pretty frequently so i couldneasily just pretend it was the same thing and (hopefully) act much more naturally. Although, to be honest, sometimes the awkwardness of first date nerves makes people all the more endearing. (I appreciate that from the way you describe this it probably goes beyond normal first date nerves though).

Final paragraph - great that you feel so happy with yourself, that is awesome! Amd inam sure people already have or do ‘want’ you....were you or were you not just asked out for coffee? :P;) And thats without touching on the countless people probably too shy to express interest.

 

 

I think i have slowly been falling for my co-worker, who supported me so much when i started the job and has been such a rock and source of comfort to me over my last 4 months here. Naturally, they are already in a relationship, without even mentioning the issues surrounding dating in the workplace. Probably for the best they got a new job and will be leaving next month...

 

eta: also, following some weight gain and self care and general recovery from the wretched physical and mental state i was in earlier this year, i’m feeling my sex drive creep back up. I don’t have the energy or patience to reactivate Tindr to look for a casual/one night thing so i guess that itch has to stay unsatisfied for now

Edited by HelenaExMachina

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19 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

Sorry, just to clear this up - did you actually turn down his/her offer to go for coffee? Even if so its never too late to change your mind if you feel up to it. Tell him/her you reconsidered or have time another day if they are free or something.

In terms of dealing wi5 that feeling of being terrified, i always try to just view it as a friendship kind of thing. Coffee date would be really good for that for me as i meet my friend for coffee pretty frequently so i couldneasily just pretend it was the same thing and (hopefully) act much more naturally. Although, to be honest, sometimes the awkwardness of first date nerves makes people all the more endearing. (I appreciate that from the way you describe this it probably goes beyond normal first date nerves though).

Final paragraph - great that you feel so happy with yourself, that is awesome! Amd inam sure people already have or do ‘want’ you....were you or were you not just asked out for coffee? :P;) And thats without touching on the countless people probably too shy to express interest.

 

 

I think i have slowly been falling for my co-worker, who supported me so much when i started the job and has been such a rock and source of comfort to me over my last 4 months here. Naturally, they are already in a relationship, without even mentioning the issues surrounding dating in the workplace. Probably for the best they got a new job and will be leaving next month...

 

eta: also, following some weight gain and self care and general recovery from the wretched physical and mental state i was in earlier this year, i’m feeling my sex drive creep back up. I don’t have the energy or patience to reactivate Tindr to look for a casual/one night thing so i guess that itch has to stay unsatisfied for now

Oh I’m going for coffee lol. I dunno when exactly but I made sure he knew I was up for that and if nothing comes from it in the next couple weeks I’ll ask him myself lol. 

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I needed to find some old link and I knew it was somewhere in the depths of my old LiveJournal. Ended up getting caught up reading the saga of my own past life and wow, my serious exes were both major jerks. Like seriously why did I put up with that. So much of the details I had forgotten, and reading with hindsight it was pretty painful. I really, really appreciate that my boyfriend now is an absolute angel. I hope I never have to date anyone else ever again!

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On 11/5/2019 at 1:05 PM, Theda Baratheon said:

Why do you feel shame? And why the born again virgin thing if you want to flirt? I’m trying to be respectful because it’s been about six years since Ive had sex. I’ve fooled around a bit over the years with a couple people but that’s it. I never really dated or had boyfriends much in school either but I don’t think it’s shameful. I kind of want a “ho” phase lol. I have some kind of invisible wall or block that I put around myself and I think if I broke it down then dating and having sex would just become easier and easier. 

Do you want to have sex with this person? Or not at all? Sorry not trying to pry just interested. 

Anyway, someone I really fancy asked me to get coffee and now I’m like shiiiiiit because any kind of intimacy terrifies me and I’m like a rabbit in the headlights and I just run away from it. I do this every time but it has to stop soon. I’m kind of...frustrated most of the time lol. Sometimes I feel like some kind of pervert when I fancy someone but I need to stop thinking that way especially as my fantasies are like the most tame shit ever lol. 

I’m finally at a point where I’m looking good as well. I can dance all night, I’m getting fit, I look okay. Just want someone to want me at this point!!! I’m being wasted lol!! Need to get the practise in or I’ll be useless forever and never meet anyone :lol: 

It is more like I want a real relationship with him, but I actually know it couldn't work out because he is married. (All the good ones are gone). 

And then about the shame, it is like no one really knew about the phase I went through. Not even my sister and yeah we are just one and a half years apart. I am truly Catholic and went to Catholic high schooling. I can't quit see if it is just that it was the pressure for the teenagers who were female in the school or what, but it came about to me to change my ways. I, being one of those girls, was a little bit like, "F- all this schooling. I will find a way to go about the real world once I get out." And I think I did. It's that my parents live with me. Not I live with my parents. They both can't really make it and are still married. I think they don't even want to contact their siblings or anything.

Anyway, the pressure was enormous. You would have to see some kind of documentary or live it yourself. To go through puberty in a Catholic high school and elementary school and just try to end up normal. It's un-achievable. 

(You are very intuitive that I would like to flirt even though I didn't say it).

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It seems almost nobody in my hometown or the surrounding areas uses the Happn app. I've only crossed paths with one user in over a month.

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